Hello, brahs and sistas! Hello! Hello! This is Crimson Flare Gun from Friendship is Epic! We just recently finished with Book 2 not too long ago, and was that an awesome possum ending wasn’t it? Book 3 will be around about the same time as Season 4, but that’s not what I’m here to talk about. Have you ever seen that movie, Equestria Girls? You know the much underrated movie long special that rips off Monster High in a way? The one with the character no one seems to like, goes by the name of Brad? Well good, because I didn’t see that movie because it isn’t in my universe. It’s either live it or miss it, and my choice is live it. Luckily Brad won’t be having any major appearances in this story, so I’m sure you’re glad about that, and unlike that movie, classes are going to appear, so the high school setting won’t seem completely useless.
Anyways, I hope you read some of Friendship is Epic to know what’s going on here. I don’t want to start up any spoilers. So we have me, and we have my friends from the Noble Six clan, Red Engineer, Crystal Iceblast, Blaze Goldheart, Psyche Illusion, and Aquatic Armor in here, along with my sister Water Gun, my marefriend Crèmepop, and we even have a couple of my arch-nemesiseseseseseseseses in here. Sorry, no Keith though, Keith was unable to make it, but we have a ton of fan favorites in here, so just sit back and enjoy the story if you can.
We start off our story at Ponyville, in spring time; it was beautiful day out, [artly cloudy, around 78 degrees. I was at my pizza shop, not doing anything but watching TV. Its 3 PM and the lunch-rush just ended. Only a few ponies coming in for linner, but everypony was satisfied, so I was just watching TV with my employees.
“We now return to: Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader Monkey, on Ox.” The TV announcer said.
“Alright, Mr. Bananas; you are on to the million-bit question! “ Jeff Coltworthy started. “What is the slogan of Mattress Giant?”
“OOO OOO OOO AHH AHH AHH! OOO OOO OOO AHH AHH!” the monkey cried.
“Oooo, so close! You added too many ‘ooos’ and ‘ahhhs’ there; but you did a fantastic job, Mr. Bananas! You walk out of here with 30,000 bits, and we thank you for joining the show!” Jeff said.
“Ah it’s no problem! I was only here because I was bananas to be on this show!” the monkey said. Just before the show ended, an important news interruption had to be made.
“We interrupt this program for an important news alert! My name is Grass Marks, and we are currently live at Canterlot castle where a very recent crime was committed here.” The newspony started.
“Whoa! Who has the guts to commit a crime at Canterlot castle?” asked Lyra Heartstrings, one of my employees.
“Last night, somepony broke into Canterlot castle. Report says nothing was stolen, but the security feed showed the mysterious pony was walking out of the room that held a Universal-Transporter Mirror.” Grass Marks said. “We go live to Royal Guard Captain, Shining Armor at the scene.”
“I don’t know why Shining spends so much time in Canterlot. Shouldn’t he be with his wife?” I commented.
“So here’s the room that mysterious pony was hanging out in.” Shining Armor explained. “As you can see, this room is NOT guarded. We didn’t think anypony wanted any of the junk in this room, but whatever it was, we were assuming they were attempting to use the Universal Transport Mirror.”
“Interesting. What does this mirror do, captain?” Grass Marks asked.
“It does what it’s named to be. Princess Celestia once used this mirror for research purposes only, until a former-student of hers went through the portal, and since then, they just stuffed it in this old storage room, not wanting to use it anymore.” Shining explained.
“And do you know anything about this former student?” Grass Marks asked.
“I cannot say. Princess Celestia never explained who she was.” Shining said.
“Can you give anymore detail on what the mirror does, Captain Armor?” Grass Marks asked.
“This mirror is beyond my comprehension, Mr. Marks. It stopped being used even before I joined the royal guard. Took place a couple of years before my younger sister Twilight Sparkle became the princess’s student.” Shining explained.
“And where is the mirror now? We need our cameras to take a good look at it.” Grass asked.
“Sorry, but nopony must get anywhere near the mirror as it gets transferred.” Shining said.
”Transferred to where?” Grass asked.
“That information is classified for the time being.” Shining said.
“I see. So what is the royal guard going to do right now?” Grass asked.
“Boost security to make sure no break-ins is occurred; although many of my guard are moving to the Crystal Empire to make sure the transfer is successful.” Shining said.
“By doing that, you just told us the location of the mirror.” Grass pointed out.
“No I- Oh….. *bleep*!” Shining said angrily, as the TV censored him.
“Wow! An intergalactic portal to another world! Sounds very tempting!” said Bon Bon, my other employee.
“I wonder if it’ll take us to the HUMAN WORLD! I get to finally live the dream!” Lyra said happily.
“Lyra, nopony wants to go to the human world!” I said as I chuckled and shook my head.
“Oh yeah? What makes you so sure of that?” Lyra asked as she stared at me mischievously.
“Gimmie a break, sista! Being a human is….” I say the next part in a high pitched voice, “…LAAAAAAAME!”
“As if! Being a human is awesome! I would certainly give up everything to be one of them!” Lyra said.
“Lyra, believe me, giving up everything just to be another species is a stupider idea than Cartoon Network canceling Ed Edd n Eddy.” said Bonnie.
Afterwards, a cutaway gag shows Cartoon Network giving an announcement on TV. “I am sorry, my fellow fillies and colts, but we must cancel Ed Edd n Eddy now.” a Cartoon Network announcer said sadly.
“SAY WHAT?!” a filly yelled.
“THAT IS THE BEST SHOW EVER! WHY CANCEL IT?!” a colt cried. Another colt started screaming and shaking the TV until it broke.
“Oh lookie, foals! Adventure Time!” the Cartoon Network announcer said.
“Uhh, what did you say you were canceling?” the filly asked.
“I don’t remember why I was so mad!” the first colt said.
“MOMMY! We need a new TV!” the second colt whined. The cutaway gag ends there.
“Why would you not like my dream, Bonnie?” Lyra whined.
“Because humans are jerks! They’re greedy, they love war, they know nothing on friendship, they pretend to like their in-laws just so they get money from them, and look at those fingers! They creep me out!” Bonnie explained.
“But the fingers are the best part, Bonnie! You can grab stuff with them, and not worry about having any magic!” Lyra explained.
“I don’t need magic to survive. I can carry stuff with my hooves just fine.” Bonnie said as she tries to pick up her drink with her hoof. All she kept doing was pushing the glass around that was sitting on the counter, struggling to pick it up. She then got the idea by moving the glass with her arm, and sliding it on her other hoof. “Ta daaa! How you like them apples, Lyra?” Lyra then pushes the glass slightly and it falls off her hoof and hits the floor. “Oh you’re just the worse.” Bonnie said, glaring at Lyra.
“If you have fingers, you’ll never have to worry about someone just sliding the glass off your hooves. Besides, you need four legs to walk as a pony.” Lyra explained. “If you’re a human, you only need two legs!” Lyra suddenly stands up on her hind legs while holding onto the counter. “See? Look how tall I am!”
“You’re only using the counter as support, Lyra.” Bonnie pointed out, still glaring at her.
“Well of course I need the counter to support me! I’m still a pony, if you haven’t realized.” Lyra said, letting go of the counter and then losing her balance and falling over on her back.
“Hey, leave her alone, Bonnie!” I ordered her. “If Lyra wants to be something, she should live it if you she wants to! Don’t stand in her way! I mean, nopony thought I’d be a famous pizza shop owner! Now look at me!”
“I suppose you have point there, Flare.” Bonnie said, feeling bad.
“Hey you rhymed!” I pointed out. Just as we were hanging, a strange pony I never seen before walks inside my shop. She looked like a beige unicorn pony with a red and yellow mane that was sort of the style of Rarity’s.
“Sup sista? Welcome to Flare’s Pizza Parlor, where even something that smells like an old sock tastes so good! How can I help you?” I asked the pony.
“I find your service and atmosphere disturbing.” The pony said.
“Well excuuuuuuuuuuuse me! If you don’t like it, go to the BBQ place across the street; as if you’ll survive with that food.” I teased.
“Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.” The pony said.
”Well deal with it. What can I get you?” I asked.
“Do you have any idea who I am?!” the pony yelled at me, pretty close to my face.
“Yes, you’re just a random pony shouting in my face, that needs to say it, not spray it. LAWL!” I teased as I wiped my face.
“My name is Sunset Shimmer. Whatever I ask for, I get it.” the pony explained.
“Hey, as long as you have the correct amount of change, then I’ll do whatever you say.” I said.
“Excellent! I’ll take a large pepper, squash, and asparagus pizza with a half-dozen cinnamon rolls, and a 2-liter parasprite.” Sunset ordered.
“Coming right up!” I said as I wrote down the order, ripping it out of the sticky, and sticking it on Bonnie’s face. “C’mon, chop chop! This is no time to be standing around! We got orders to fill!” Bonnie and Lyra suddenly entered the kitchen to make the food for Sunset Shimmer. I turned to Sunset and started a conversation with her. “I like your mane!”
“Who wouldn’t?” Sunset asked.
“I’m serious, I like it! It has the same style as my friend Rarity, and the same color as my friend Blaze.” I said.
“Good for you.” Sunset said sarcastically. “Is my food going to be ready soon?”
“You can’t rush perfection.” I said with a big grin on my face and letting out a little squee.
“I can see that.” Sunset said.
“I haven’t seen you around here before.” I said.
“I’m a tourist.” Sunset said.
“Well it’s a good thing you chose Ponyville as a vacation. None of your bully scum from the big cities. Good friendly folk!” I said.
“I see.” Sunset said.
“So I was having a conversation with one of my employees and she says she always wanted to be a human.” I said.
“That’s very nice. I had those dreams too.” Sunset said as she rolled her eyes, not caring about the conversation.
“You know, if you find a way to get to the human world, you should give me a call. I can tell Lyra all about it.” I suggested, giving her my business card.
“Uh huh.” Sunset said.
“Hey, if you think I’m asking you on a date, I’m already taken.” I said.
“Oh…. How sad. There goes my chance.” Sunset said sarcastically.
“I’m sorry, Sunset, but I have a lot of single friends. I think you should be perfect for my friend Adventure Blade. He has your attitude.” I said.
“That’s ok. I’m good.” Sunset said.
“Order up!” Lyra said, hooving me over a pizza box, a brown bag, and a 2-liter soda.
“Here you go, Sunset! I know this stuff won’t give you the shimmers at night! LAWL!” I teased her.
”Thank you.” Sunset said, paying me, grabbing the pizza with her magic, and was about to walk out.
“Wait, wait! Don’t go!” I begged as I ran towards front of my door.
”Look, I have places to be right now, so stand aside, weirdo.” Sunset demanded me.
“Look, I know you’re a tourist and all, and you have places to be, but I could help you fit right in!” I suggested.
“Thanks, but I can handle myself.” Sunset said, trying to walk around me, but I kept blocking the way.
“But by the looks of things, you’re in an awful hurry.” I said.
”Noooo! You think?” Sunset asked sarcastically, starting to feel annoyed.
“But I want to help out in anyway possible.” I begged.
“Will you move out of the way?! I have to get to Canterlot, so do you mind?” Sunset asked, losing her patience.
“Canterlot? Well, you better be careful over there. They have a crime watch in effect.” I said.
“They do?” Sunset asked.
”Yeah, I saw it on the news. Somepony broke into Canterlot castle last night and now they’re transferring some sort of intergalactic mirror of some sort over to the Crystal Empire.” I said.
“Oh…. Darn it!” Sunset whispered to herself.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
”I… I gotta go.” Sunset said, pushing me aside, and running out of the shop in a hurry.
“WAIT! You forgot your receipt!” I yelled.
“What was that girl up to?” Lyra asked.
“No idea, and yet I don’t care.” I said.
“Flarey! I got the bathrooms cleaned up!” said Crèmepop, my other employee, as well as my special somepony.
“Possum grade awesome work, Crèmepop! I knew I could count on you!” I said, giving her a kiss on the cheek.
“Aww, anything for my Flarey-Wary!” Crème said, giving me a nuzzle. Lyra looked like she was about to barf. “So, Flare? I was wondering; did you have any dates while you were in high school?”
“Sure did! They’re really healthy, you know?” I said.
”Not the vegetables, silly! Like a marefriend; like what you have now!” Crème said. “Well besides Blueberry Pie of course.”
“Hey, I really have nothing to say about anypony in high school. High school was complete garbage for me.” I complained.
“It was, huh?” Crème asked.
“You don’t know the half of it!” I said.
“Well, did you try anything to make yourself more popular?” Crème asked.
“I tried everything! I even tried running for class-prez! I lost by…. Uhhh…. I don’t remember how much voted for me. I probably lost by everypony!” I said.
“Wow. What did you promise them?” Crème asked.
“I promised them a bully-free community, a longer breaktime, get the libraries to only have books on things that the students were interested in, and even get daleks to be the hall monitors.” I explained. A cutaway shows the most popular mare at my old school by the name of Blueberry Pie, trotting in the school halls, and runs into a dalek. The Dalek aims its cannons right at her.
“First request: Present Hall Pass!” the dalek demanded.
“Uhh, here it is. I’m just on my way to powder my nose.” Blueberry Pie said, showing it the hall pass.
“Second request: Present hall pass!” the dalek demanded again.
“Uhh, it’s right here.” Blueberry Pie said, showing it the hall pass again.
“Hall pass not identified! EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN!” the dalek demanded.
“What the hay is wrong with you?! I got this from the teacher! Now get out of my way!” Blueberry demanded
“Talking back to hall monitor will not be tolerated! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!” the dalek yelled as it started shooting at Blueberry. She started screamming and ran away. The gag ends there.
“You know, I just wish I had the chance to relive high school again.” I said to Crèmepop.
“It’s ok, Flare! You graduated and you made it to success!” Crème said.
“Yeah, you’re right, babe! You’re right!” I nodded.
“Wow… listen to you, stating the obvious.” Crème complained. “I know you like to be right, but that was just ridiculous.” Just then, Spike runa inside my shop and ran over to me, calling my name.
“Sup brah?” I asked.
“A letter from Canterlot.” Spike said, giving me a scroll.
“Holy Wizard of Strength, they think it’s me!” I said frightening.
“Who thought what was you?” Crème asked.
“The princesses think it was me who broke inside! Well, they won’t take me alive! NOT NOW!” I cried. I then suddenly ran outside and I started running away from my shop and running away from Ponyville. “They won’t catch me! No, sir! Not without a fight!” I ran, and I ran, and I ran, and I ran, and Iran That right there is a country! Then after a while of running, I slammed into a building, opened the back door, and ran inside. I was inside a kitchen of some sort, so I continued running and then….. oh…. I was back where I started. “HA! They’ll never take me a- oh.”
“Flare, quit fooling around, and take the scroll!” Spike demanded, throwing the scroll at my face. I used my magic to open the scroll, and I read it.
The note reads: “Dear Flare Gun, You and your friends have been assigned to help protect the Universal Transport Mirror, and make sure it’s safely taken to the Crystal Empire. Make sure it doesn’t fall into the wrong hooves. We’ll meet you there! Your friend, Princess Luna.”
“Wow! Isn’t that great, Flare? You’re going on an important mission!” Crème said excitedly.
“Why ask the Noble Six to do it? Why not ask the phony Princess Twilight and her friends?” I asked with an attitude.
“HEY! Don’t talk about Twilight like that!” Spike yelled at me, poking my nose.
“It’s not her though, it’s the wings, and this whole princess thing! I mean, she didn’t even do anything but create her own magic! She just solved the cutie mark crisis in a flash. She didn’t even take time to think of a plan. She just went straight to the conclusion!” I complained.
“Flare, Twilight is smart, don’t get your jealousy in the way of anything.” Spike said.
“I’m not jealous, I just think…. Isn’t 3 princesses enough? I mean, by the looks of things, anypony can become a princess! Maybe even Big Mac!” I said. Big Mac was outside flying in the sky in a princess outfit, and a chorus in the background sang; ‘Princess Big Mac!’
“That’s not true! Celestia won’t just make ANYPONY a princess.” Spike corrected me.
”Oh yeah? Then how do you explain alicorn OCs?” I asked.
“Alicorn what now?” Spike asked.
“Oh. Well then, I guess I’m going to the Crystal Kingdom then!” I said. “Come on, Crème!”
”Why am I going?” Crème asked.
“You’re my special somepony now, Crème. I’m taking you everywhere I go, as long as it’s safe, but who would want a dusty old mirror?” I explained.
“Wouldn’t your sister want one?” Spike asked.
“Yeah that’s true. Water would think of any excuse to look at herself. That’s pretty much why she keeps asking me to brush my teeth and smile every time I look at her.” I said.
“Ok! I guess we better start packing!” Crème said excitedly.
“That’s awesome! Looks like it’s time for the Noble Six to rise again! PRAISE THE WIZARDS!” I yelled. “Now then, fillies and gentlecolts… the opening to this special!”
“Good. That’ll give me some time to help me choose what sort of clothes my human should wear.” Crème whispered to me.
“You had plenty of time to do it before we started making this. Why haven’t you picked?” I whispered to her.
“My contract says I’m not allowed to have torn short-shorts and a bikini top. I need to look appropriate enough but I still want to look sexy.” Crème whispered back to me. Ok well that’s enough of that. Time for the opening credits of Equestria Brahs! As we show the opening, my friends in the Noble Six and I are here to sing a parody of the original Equestria Girls cafeteria song, because we don’t have the rights to sing ‘I Got the Music in Me’, so this is the best we got.
“Hello Equestria!” I yelled.
“Hi!” Blaze yelled.
“Howdy!” Engie yelled.
“What up?” Psyche asked.
“Yo!” Crystal yelled.
“Hello.” Aqua said.
“C’mon Aqua, you can do better than that!” Engie persuaded him.
“Umm… hey.” Aqua said.
“C’mon, Aqua, shout loud!” Blaze persuaded him.
“Heeeeeeeeeeey.” Aqua said calmly.
“Close enough. Are we ready to make some noise?!” I yelled.
“No.” Psyche said.
“Well shut up, Psyche! Who asked you?” I asked.
“I’m ready to make some noise!” Crystal yelled. “Talking counts as noise, right?!”
“Sure does! Now let’s get ready to rumba!” I yelled. Shroom Films presents… the first opening credit title popped up and my friends in the Noble Six start to sing. “Hey, hey, everybody, we require our weekly pay, cause we may seem so greedy, just like Conrad Murray. But if you look a little deeper, you will then see, that I’m all you just expected to be!” a few guitar strings played as the next credit comes up A My Little Pony fanfic production…. “Hey, hey, everybody, we’re hear to pout that spreading the lulz is what it’s all about – we’re here to fulfill our destinies, that is ruining in your day, until we decide to think of another way. We are Equestria Brahs and we’re here to shout, that the magic of friendship is what we really doubt…”
“Well kinda.” Crystal said. Written by MegaSean45.
“We are Equestria Brahs and we’re here to say, we like to take things a less serious way…” my friends sang.
“Equestria Brahs-hahahaas.” I sang.
Psyche began to rap the next part, even though I’m against it, but I heard he’s good. “Blaze Goldheart has nothing to fear…” MegaSean45 as Flare Gun and Dr. Swinebutt. “…nobody knows robotics like Red Engineer – Aquatic Armor is afraid of heights – Psyche looks good in striped red tights…” Brony with the Bowtie as Blaze Goldheart and Red Engineer.
“It’s true.” I said.
“Crystal Iceblast only wants to have fun – but the one who ruins it is Crimson Flare Gun…” Psyche rapped. Anonymous as Crystal Iceblast and Water Gun.
Blaze sang the next part, “Anger management, stupidity…”
Engie sang the next part, “Wiseguy, bully, social anxiety.”
Aqua sings next part, “Or we’ll give ya arrow to the knees.” Troy as Psyche Illusion.
“AAAAAAAH RUN AWAY! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR KNEES!” the entire royal guard at Canterlot cry out in fear, interrupting the song, and they should be ashamed of themselves. Whatever, let’s continue.
So my friends are started to sing again, “We are Equestria Brahs and we’re here to explain – no need to press thumbs down right away if we become a pain; we are Equestria Brahs and we’re here to scream – so loud that you can’t hear old men’s broken spleen…” The 94th Nickachu as Aquatic Armor.
“Equestria Brahs!” I sang, and then I said normally, “And I’m not saying we’re women’s clothing, so shut up.”
“Ready for your solo, Flare?” Blaze asked.
“Awww, fine.” I complained as I started to sing my solo; “I’m here to be myself, I’m sorry if it kills you, you better get used to it, no need to judge after chapter two.” Alex as Crèmepop.
All six of us started to sing now; “If you follow me, it would probably be a big mistake, but it’s a 50-50 chance so what sort of chance will you taaaaaaaake?” Some British Guy as Boorlie Pomodoro. “Jump up, say how high (HOW HIGH?), 50 push-ups, then good night, then wake up at 5 AM, gonna start a fight. Jump up, be a clown (HEY, HEY KIDS!), blow balloons then paint them brown, Canterlot Wondercolts, I admit they’re not buffoons. Jump up, shut your mouth……..” and then the song ends there. Anyways let’s get started. Please enjoy Equestria Brahs! Praise the Wizards!