From the Eyes of a Number
This…can’t be possible! It just can’t be! I… I expected you to remember everything once you got some rest but… Nothing! You say you can’t remember anything, and I just can’t believe it! You… You’ve truly forgotten everything. Gaia, your friends, us, and even the few days you’ve spent here in Equestria. Vivi, what happened to you while you were sick?
I… I think Kuja is taking this harder than even you are. He stormed out of the room this morning without a word. Nurse Redheart went looking for him and came back with regret plastered on her face. I don’t know what happened, but it couldn’t have been pretty. But I can understand why he’d be upset. I mean…
Losing one’s memories is a fate worse than death, in my opinion. To wake up one morning and know absolutely nothing is a curse. When we Black Mages first wake up, we know literally nothing about the world around us. That’s bad enough, honestly. But to wake up a second time with no memories of the people around you, yet basic knowledge of social conventions would be even worse… To be ignorant of your ignorance is one thing, but to have yourself questioned by your own ignorance is unbearable.
That’s one of the main reasons Mr. 33 and I focused on hatching Bobby Corwen: he gave us respite from our blatant ignorance of the world around us. As long as we wanted to keep the egg safe, we didn’t need to know anything else about the world. Our world was the hut we kept him in. We protected it, and it protected us from ourselves. And then he hatched, just as oblivious to the world as we were. Together, we got to experience some new things before we finally passed on.
But you’re alone on this front, aren’t you Vivi? There’s nothing here we can experience with you, because we’ve already experienced it. It was hard enough on me having to learn with my brothers. But you have to re-learn everything without anyone else to learn with.
To lose one’s memories is a fate worse than death.
If you can’t remember anything you’ve ever done, how can you be sure you’ve done anything? How can you know that you haven’t lain in bed the entire time you’ve been alive? How can you be certain that you never once hurt an innocent person on purpose? What do you do when you can’t remember anything? What decides how you act and respond to others when you have no memory of any of the trial and error you’ve went through in the past?
I can’t begin to imagine what you must be feeling. You’re probably lost in a sea of blank time, the waves of empty memories crashing against your boat of knowledge, sending you this way and that. But what if you remember something from your past? What if a memory from Gaia becomes the shore you’ve set sail from? How will you know how long you’ve been at sea? More importantly, how can you even be certain there’s another shore to land at? Where does the ocean of emptiness begin and end?
…
Look at me! I’m acting like this is some sort of poetry contest! You’re not lost at sea; you’re in your bed! And you’re probably scared out of your mind about all the emptiness inside you!
Yeah, the emptiness is something, isn’t it? If someone woke up one day to find themselves almost nothing but a shell of clothing with nothing inside, how would they feel? Knowing what you are is almost as important as knowing who you are! Right? Yeah, it has to be! If I woke up tomorrow as a pony, I wouldn’t know what to feel! I wouldn’t be an empty humanoid shell anymore. I’d have guts and blood and flesh. I could wear whatever I wanted without worrying about my body disappearing on me.
So if I woke up tomorrow without knowing what I was, would I still be worried about losing my body by removing my clothes? Probably not, because I wouldn’t know that my clothes keep me safe. So…how do you feel right now? I can’t begin to imagine all the questions you’re swimming through.
And you haven’t said a word to anyone since last night. The last word you spoke was “No” before becoming a mute.
…And that “No” hurt me and Kuja more than anything else could have. To know we’ve been forgotten about…I believe that’s a heavy burden to bear. It must be heavier for him though, because I mostly just feel sorry for you right now. But to be remembered is pretty important, isn’t it? I mean, I think if I died, I’d want everyone I ever met to remember me. That way I could live on in their memories, right?
That’s how it works, isn’t it?
Being remembered gives you a spiritual immortality, right? Just like being forgotten is the final way to die. If no one remembers you, then you truly don’t exist anymore. But we remember you, Vivi. We remember the way you were before last night. That’s how I know you’ll come back to us eventually. As long as you exist, you can’t not exist.
So take your time.
But hurry.
…
From the Eyes of a Brother
Dammit!
Dammit all to hell!
Why is this happening now?! Why now, when I’m actually beginning to develop a damned humanity?! Why couldn’t this have happened when I didn’t give two shits about anything around me?! Why does this piss me off so much…? It’s just his damned memories for crying out loud! What’s so special to me about them?
Heh…
That’s obvious, isn’t it, Kuja? The dream from the night before last holds all my answers. His memories created that place. It was his memories that drew his friends to that place. That’s the only reason I was able to see them all. I was only there because…I’m his friend now. His memories of me and our friendship let me be there to see all of them. To see those I tried to destroy…and be forgiven by them.
So, when I didn’t care about anyone else, I never could’ve experienced that reunion. His memories have given me a new purpose. I was forgiven for my atrocities on Gaia…because I was there to meet his friends. I was there to see Zidane. But…just because they forgave me doesn’t mean I can simply stop lamenting the past.
No. Because they forgave me, I’m obligated to forgive myself! But…I can’t do that unless I try to save Equestria. Redemption for destroying a world is saving another one. And I need his help. I need Vivi to succeed! Without him…I might as well give up. His power is extraordinary, whether he knows it or not. And if I’m going to be fighting something like it, I’ll need his power.
But if he doesn’t remember me or our quest, then why should he be inclined to help? If he doesn’t remember me, Equestria, Gaia, or Zidane, why would he want to believe anything I tell him about anything he’s ever done? I mean, the stories I can tell him are utterly unbelievable if you don’t remember the world you lived in! On Gaia, there were things you believed because you knew they were possible.
But he doesn’t know they’re possible anymore. Why would he believe me?
And he doesn’t have a clue what ‘Necron’ or ‘Garland’ is. So even if he remembered the world, would he be inclined to help if I described them to him? Without his memories, any emotional development he underwent in Zidane’s presence is wiped away. So right now, in his bed, being watched by the annoying nurse and the bigger mage, he’s probably the equivalent of a scared newborn baby.
He knows nothing.
He knows nothing, so he can understand nothing.
So what do I do? How can I help him? I can’t ask him to remember. I can’t put that selfish burden on his shoulders. If I tell him about our mission, he might get scared and use his amnesia to run away. If that happens, I’ll be inclined to leave him be. But…he might also feel obligated to remember everything for this world’s sake. And to put that much stress on the kid…would be cruel.
So I’ve made my decision. I’m not going to burden him with this world’s fate. If he remembers what we have to do, he can decide to help or not.
But it will be his responsibility to remember. I won’t force him. None of us will.
For all intents and purposes, he is no longer Vivi.
He is not the mage we know.
So we’ll fight. We’ll fight harder than ever before. I’ll fight to protect this world in his stead. I’ll fight to protect him in the hopes that his memories will come back. I know they will eventually…but will it be in time to help me protect this world? That’s not important. If they don’t come back, we’ll be doomed. If they come back too late, we’ll still be doomed. I would rather him be blissfully ignorant of what is to come than to remember and be unable to help.
But there is one thing that bugs me more than any other.
We both fell unconscious at around the same time. According to Mr. 111, we both underwent the same illness. We were Trancing in and out, screaming and lurching around in our beds. We both had the same problems. So then why is it that only his memories are gone? Why is it that I am forced to remember this cursed ‘fate’ Lord Avon predicted? Why is it that he is forced to forget everything he’s ever loved?
Why is Mr. 111 forced to sit with him and wait, while I’m out here pitying myself? How can I be so selfish? Surely he’s having trouble coping with this as well!
…
So I’ll go back now. I’ll sit with him and pray for Vivi’s recovery.
Why are we here in this world? Each minute that passes makes me question it even more. If we’re here to save this world, then why are we being tormented so cruelly by it? Or does this world have anything to do with what’s happening to us? Could it be some other outside force hurting us, trying to rip us apart using our emotions?
For all I know, it could be Lord Avon himself looking from beyond the stars, playing with us like dolls. He predicted the end of a world. Surely he has some omnipotent powers?
Now I’m just grasping at straws. This is ridiculous!
Has my humanity made me a fool? No matter what happens, I won’t give up hope. I’m useless without my companions, so I can only wish for Vivi to return to us. I’m certain he will, whether in an hour or in a century. I will protect him until he does remember. And then we can save this world together.
We can fight as one to save our new home. That’s what this new life is about, isn’t it? I shall remain ever hopeful.
So take your time, Vivi.
But hurry; the sands are ever falling.
…
From the Eyes of a Scared Doll
Who am I? What am I? Where am I?
All of these questions running through me…hurt. I don’t know any of the answers. Hundreds upon thousands of questions that I could never hope to answer scare me more than any nightmare ever could. Everything is completely blank. I can’t find anything in my mind. There’s nothing there.
I remember a creature that was short and round, with a long red tongue and pasty white skin. I remember a dark, misty cave. I remember a forest. But there are no words or sounds in the memories. They’re just images in the back of my mind. But I know I’m here, wherever here is. But how did I get from that place to this one? There’s nothing between then and now. The more I try to find something, the larger the expanse of nothingness grows.
How much time passed between then and now? How long have I been here?
What’s my name? Why are these two creatures sitting in this room, watching me? Why does one look like me? Why does the other look so sad? Have I done something wrong?
Did I do something to make them watch me? Did I hurt someone, or break something important? Is there a reason the pink-haired lady talks to me like a baby? Am I supposed to be stupid? Am I supposed to be helpless?
I wish I could ask someone. I’m too scared, though. If I were supposed to know what went in the blanks of my mind, I already would. If I were supposed to be someone, I’d know who it was. No one has tried to tell me anything. They ask me questions I can’t answer. They tell me things I have no way of understanding. I’m so confused by my stupidity that I’m afraid to talk. What if I say something that I’m not supposed to? I don’t want to be rejected by these creatures.
I don’t know who or what I am. I don’t know my role in this place. If I fail a job I don’t remember, can I still be punished? Or do I have a job to begin with? The longer I sit and think, the less I realize I know. The longer those two sit and stare, the more I’m afraid I should understand them. But I don’t understand them. I don’t even understand myself. How can I hope to understand them?
Pointy-hat and White-hair just sit and watch me. They look sad and scared. Sometimes they ask me questions and other times they whisper to each other. White-hair had water running down his face earlier. I don’t understand that. He started looking really sad and then the water came. Does that mean he was sad? T…
Te…
Tears!
Those were called tears! I remember that! When you get really sad, you cry! The tears come because you cry!
I remembered something! It…probably doesn’t make a difference, but I remembered it. That’s progress, isn’t it? It’s better than being completely stupid. When the tears were falling, I wanted to cry too. I don’t know why. Seeing White-hair sad made me sad. At least, I think I was sad. I don’t really know the difference between what I’m feeling now and sadness. I realize that emotions are complicated, and I can’t hope to understand them.
I tried to take my pointy hat off earlier, because it keeps drooping in front of my eyes and distracts me from my thinking, but Pointy-hat stopped me. He told me that if I took it off, it would hurt me. I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t think I want to be hurt. What does pain feel like? I can’t even remember that. But…everyone gets hurt, don’t they? So why can’t I remember what it’s like? I know it’s a bad thing, but I want to remember it as well.
Because…
Everything is a part of you. The good times, the bad times, and the times you can’t remember make up who you are. Without all three, you can’t really be a person, can you? No, you can’t. So without my memories, I’m not real. I don’t have memories, so I don’t have emotions. I don’t know what to feel about these questions. Without them, I’m not smart enough to learn from this. I feel so empty when I think about how dumb I am.
But Pointy-hat has been sitting in this room with me all day. He just sat there, staring at me. Sometimes the pink-haired lady would make him leave and she’d give me some food, but then he’d be back a few minutes later. White-hair showed up a few hours ago. I don’t know what they want or why they keep watching me, but I feel…okay.
Com…
Comfort?
Comfortable! Their being here makes me feel comfortable! I feel almost at peace with them here! I feel safe with them by my side! I want to think that…no matter why they’re here…they’ll protect me. In fact, I know they will! Why else would they still be here? They have to want to help me!
Maybe they know something about the stuff I can’t remember. What if they were with me when I lost my memory? We could’ve been together for years! That must be why White-hair looks sad: because I forgot him! But if we’ve been together for a long time, surely I’ll remember him sooner or later. It only makes sense. Maybe we’re all…
F…
Fren?
Friends! Friends! Friendship! We’re friends! I remember that much! I don’t know their names or what we used to do together, but I know we’re friends! When the pink-haired lady is in the room, I don’t feel as at peace as I do with those two! That has to mean we’re friends! So…
Yeah, I’m sure of it! They’ll protect me! They’ll help me remember who I am! And once I remember, things can go back to normal. I’m sure they’ll be happy when that happens. I know I will. I don’t know much right now, but if it keeps coming back to me, I’m sure it won’t take long for it all to come back…
But I want to stop confusing myself with questions. I want things to be normal again. I don’t want them to be sad. I need my memories back! But…if they all come back too fast, I might hurt myself with all the answers.
I need to take my time and let it come on its own.
But I have to hurry, for their sake.
…
From the Ears of a Working Nurse
“How long does amnesia like this usually last?”
“How should I know? It’s not like it happens every day.”
“But you’re a nurse! Surely you have some idea! There have to have been some other cases.”
“Nothing like this. Most are the result of head trauma. But Vivi’s a special case.”
“We have to keep in mind he isn’t a pony, either. Normal cases probably wouldn’t matter anyway.”
“…You’re right. But we aren’t leaving until he’s better!”
“Fine. Stay all you want. He could use his friends, I’m sure.”
“…Fr…”
“Vivi?!”
“Is he…?”
“…Friends…”
“…!”
“We’re friends, aren’t we?”