Creeeeeaaaaak
I winced as the hatch I was opening protested, hoping to whatever gods were listening that none of the pirates had heard that. I poked my head up a bit more and quickly checked around, ready to duck down again at a moment’s notice. The hatch I had opened led onto the main deck of the ship and yet, surprisingly, no one was around to notice my overly cautious entrance.
Okay, that’s weird. I thought this ship was supposed to be full of pirates.
I carefully opened the hatch fully and climbed out, making sure to remain as quiet as possible. Just because I couldn’t see any pirates, didn’t mean they weren’t around. As I stood up and took a full account of my surroundings, I quickly found myself thankful for my paranoia. Clustered around on the quarterdeck of the ship was a vast array of pony pirates, all of them facing away from me and staring out over the sea. In the distance, I could see what looked like a colossal storm, a worrying sight for anyone on the sea.
“Tha’ ain’t natural.” I head one of the pirates mutter, his fellows quickly agreeing.
“Ah, who cares? Whatever it is, it’s stopped that other ship from followin’ us.” A commanding, and familiar, voice rung out from the throng of pirates.
Vibrant Melody was in there somewhere, probably at the very head of her little gang. Although to call it a little gang was a bit of an understatement. There had to be at least thirty ponies up there, give or take a few. A large number of them appeared to be pegasi with the rest being mostly earth ponies. The occasional sight of a horn though announced the presence of a handful of unicorns amongst the pirates, which made me even more wary. Brute force was something I was used to; magic was a game changer no matter what the situation.
Thankfully, the pony crowd seemed to be completely absorbed in watching the storm, something for which I couldn’t really blame them. The drumming of thunder, the loud crack of lightning and the occasional monstrous shriek came from the depths of the storm, providing quite an interesting show. Since the pirates were so wrapped up in the spectacle, I decided the politest thing I could do would be to leave them to it. On silent hooves, I crept over to what I believed was the port side of the ship where a lifeboat was hanging. It was there I encountered a very large problem.
Ropes. There were so many ropes. They filled the area above the ship like a spider’s web made of rigging. I could see that some of them were being used to haul up cargo from below deck, whilst others seemed to attach to the sails in such a way that they seemed practically occult to me. I had absolutely no idea which one of the many knots in front of me would release the lifeboat into the sea. After struggling in vain to follow the rope back to its point of origin, a task that became impossible after it began to seamlessly meld with the many other ropes that made up the rigging, I eventually decided on an easier solution.
Random guesswork.
“Eenie meenie miny mo.” I whispered, pointing at the knots in front of me at random, “Catch a piggy by his toe. If he squeals, let him go. Eenie meenie miny mo.”
Satisfied by my logical and efficient decision making tactic, I grabbed the chosen knot and began to untie it. The knot proved a little difficult, it being a specialised sailor’s knot, but in the end it was no match for my skilled and experienced fingers. Heh, there was this one girl I knew who could do wonders with a bit of rope. The knots she could tie...
My reverie was interrupted as the rope before me, after being loosened a bit, immediately shot out of my loose grip and upwards into the rigging. The lifeboat, however, remained sadly stationery save for the slight swaying of the ship. A loud crash and the sound of shattering wood from behind me gave me a clue to what had happened.
Well that definitely wasn’t the right rope.
I turned around slowly and observed the smashed crate, it’s cargo of cannonballs now spilling around on the deck. I wasn’t the only one observing the broken container though. The pirates had also all turned around upon hearing the crash. Slowly, I tore my eyes away from the wreckage and met the pirate’s glares. A terrible silence descended on the ship.
Nervously, I cleared my throat before attempting something I saw in a movie once, “Parlay?”
The pirates continued to stare at me, expressions blank.
“I’m just your friendly neighbourhood rope inspector,” I tried, before grabbing another rope and giving it a firm tug, “Yup, that looks like a good quality rope right there.” I gave it one last pull for emphasis.
This turned out to be the wrong thing to do as, although the rope may have been of decent quality, the knot was fairly amateurish by comparison. The knot immediately slipped loose of its mooring and, once again, the rope shot upwards and out of sight. Across the deck, a barrel fell from above, shattering on the deck and spilling an amber liquid, presumably some sort of rum, everywhere.
The pirate’s glares intensified tenfold.
Wow. I really suck at this whole diplomacy business.
There was some shuffling from the crowd as they parted to let a certain scarred pegasus mare through. Vibrant Melody glared down at me with eyes that promised only fury and violence. Now that I think about it, Violent Melody would be a much better name for her. She is quite a skilled musician, and her instrument is the pain and suffering of others. Maybe I should suggest that she change her name?
“Kill him.”
Okay, maybe later then.
Practically moving as one, all thirty or so of the pirates leapt at me, Melody at their head. Pegasi simply jumped from the top deck and used their wings to glide towards me whilst the earth ponies and unicorns were forced to leap down the stairs. A cornucopia of pain and suffering descended on me, causing my survival instincts to flare. Like any reasonable human being, I chose an appropriate course of action when seeing a horde on brightly coloured, not-so-adorable pirate ponies descending on me.
I got the fuck out of there.
Grabbing the nearest rope in one hand and pulling out my knife with the other, I quickly began to whisper prayers to the only deity I knew could help me.
“Mum, I don’t know if you’re watching right now but if you are, could you please ask Poseidon not to drown me? That would be swell, thanks.”
There, with Poseidon on my side, nothing could go wrong.
In the non-material plane, Lady Luck stared down in amazement at the being she was hesitantly calling her son. If she had a physical form in this plane, then its face would have been locked in a deadpan expression.
“Seriously?”
With a quick slash of my knife, the rope was severed just above the knot. The outstretched hooves of the leading pegasi, Melody included, were only a few inches away when whatever piece of hanging cargo I had cut away finally dropped. The rope in my hand immediately shot up in my grasp, friction burns cutting into the flesh before I managed to tighten my hold enough. With a lurch that made me feel sick to my stomach, I was pulled into the air along with it, leaving the confused pirates behind as I shot upwards.
I couldn’t help but laugh at the expressions on their faces. A mixture of confusion, shock and awe that was just a delight to behold. After letting out a few short chuckles, I looked up to see where my rope was taking me.
Oh. That’s not good at all.
I was now travelling with some speed directly towards one of the mast arms which the rope had been looped over. At the speed I was going, colliding with the solid wood of the mast arm offered nothing but a squishy and painful death, followed by a graceless fall to the deck below before the pirates drew straws to decide who had to clean my splattered remains off the ship. An unnaturally calm part of my mind noted that these were all terrible things to happen and, if I did not want them to come to pass, I should do something quickly. A decidedly less calm part of my mind had this eloquent response:
WELL DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEAS?
Whilst these two diametrically opposed parts of my mind argued over minor things like my survival and how such vulgar language was not appropriate, whether children were listening or not, the rest of my brain decided to make an executive decision. This time I chose to pray to Sir Isaac Newton, Lord of Gravity, as well as Charles Darwin, Archangel of Natural Selection, in the hoped that they might alter my survival.
I sure am praying to a lot of gods today. That cannot be a good sign.
My prayers said and my mind set, I let go of the rope that was serving as my lifeline. The considerable momentum that I had built up in my swift ascension kept me going though, ending up with me being catapulted clean over the mast arm. For a single, beautiful moment I hung in the air at the apex of my arc. This must be what it is like to be a bird, free from the restraints of the ground, the entire sky extending out before you.
Of course, it was at that point that gravity, that forever harsh mistress, decided to take hold and began to drag me back down. Luckily, my flight had taken my right next to the rear sail of the ship and, as just as my fall began to pick up speed, I struck out and stabbed my knife into the canvas. There was a terrible ripping sound as the blade cut through the cloth of the sail, but it accomplished its purpose. My fall was steadily slowed until, with a quick yank, I extracted my knife and fell the remaining few feet to the deck of the ship, landing smoothly on my hooves and turning around to look at my attackers.
The pirates were stood, or hovering in some cases, exactly where I had left them. Evidently, they had been watching my impromptu flight turned acrobatics performance turned act of sail-based vandalism with mouths hanging wide open. I was pretty impressed myself to be honest. That bit with the sail definitely deserves some applause. I also noted that there appeared to be a broken piano on the deck now, probably the cargo that had been dropped to allow me to be pulled up.
Who is transporting a grand piano on a pirate ship though? Who does that?
Before I could wonder any further on the nature of such an individual, Melody shouted something that made my blood run cold.
“Open fire!” She screamed at her unicorn subordinates.
I barely had time to leap behind the wheel of the ship before magical bolts began to slam into the railings around me, some of the blasts managed to remove decent chunks of wood wherever they landed whilst others left mere scorch marks. I ducked down in my imperfect cover, pulling in as much of my body as I could. Maybe if I just waited long enough, the unicorn’s would run out of energy?
I suddenly felt a shooting pain go through me, coming from an area I had only recently acquired and still wasn’t entirely used to. With one hand I grabbed my tail and lifted it up in front of me, quickly blowing out the small flame that had started on the end before staring at the blackened section. They’d set my tail on fire...
Those bastards!
I quickly rose to my hooves, ignoring the inaccurate blasts of magic that were shooting through the air all around me. Apparently, it was quite difficult to aim a weapon that was attached to your forehead, if the terrible shooting of the unicorn pirates was anything to go by. Still, I didn’t want them to get another lucky hit on me. Abandoning my plan of out waiting the unicorns, I grasped the ship’s wheel in both hands and grinned down at the pirates.
“Hey! I wonder what happens if I do this?” I shouted, before yanking the wheel sharply to one side and holding on for dear life.
The ship followed the turning of the wheel, lurching to the right with a wooden moan as it was forced to turn suddenly in the water. The deck tilted underneath the pirates, causing more than a few to lose their balance and begin tumbling. The unicorns in particular were badly hit as they had been entirely focused on the admirable task of trying to blast me to pieces. However, it did mean that when the deck heaved underneath them, they were entirely unprepared for it. All five of the unicorns who had been shooting at me let out ungainly screams as they went flying overboard.
I really hope that they know how to swim.
The earth ponies fared slightly better, their strong legs meaning that they lost only two of their number who were unlucky enough to have their hooves taken out from underneath them by some rolling cannonballs.. The pegasi fared by far the best, their wings allowing them to simply fly up and ignore the tilting of the ship. All in all, my desperate move had managed to remove seven of the ponies who were trying to kill me from the equation. Math was never really my strong suit but I’m pretty sure that if I put those numbers into a calculator then it would make a happy face.
“Wow, that actually worked way better than I expected.” I remarked, inadvertently drawing the pirate’s attention back to me.
“GET HIM!” Melody screamed, practically frothing at the mouth now.
“But ma’am! What about the others?” A concerned - and perhaps, foolishly brave, - pegasus asked as he peered over the side of the ship.
Rather than respond verbally, Melody chose to swoop down on the pirate who dared to question her. As she flew, I noticed a glint of metal coming from her wings. Perhaps some sort of hidden blade tucked away into her feathers? Whatever it was, she chose not to use it on the unfortunate insubordinate. With a disgusting crack, her front hooves slammed into his wings at the point where they connected to his body. The poor pegasus barely had time to scream out before Melody had spun around in the air and, with a surprisingly powerful buck, sent him falling over the edge of the ship. The pegasus quickly disappeared over the side and into the sea, his wings and possibly more bones broken as the water swallowed his screams of pain.
“If you’re so concerned about them,” Melody taunted with a vicious sneer, “Then why don’tcha go check on them?! Now the rest of you, kill that fool!”
After that little show of micromanagement in action, the rest of Melody’s troops needed no further convincing. The pirates began to approach me again, but slower this time, more carefully. Not only did they not want me to escape once more but the terrain itself was fairly hazardous to anyone hoping to move quickly. The swaying of the ship meant that various nets and ropes swung dangerously through the air, forcing the pegasi to slowly flap their way over to me, whilst the combination of rum, cannonballs and grand pianos littering the deck made a difficult landscape for the remaining earth ponies to traverse.
Eventually though, they did manage to reach me. The first of the earth ponies began to charge up the stairs just as the pegasi surrounded the airspace around the top deck, effectively cutting off all forms of retreat. Strangely, I found that the problem-solving advice I learnt from a nursery rhyme was curiously applicable in this situation.
Oh look! It’s a horde of pony pirates!
Can’t go over it!
Can’t go under it!
Can’t go around it!
Got to go through it!
Following these ancient words of wisdom, I charged directly at the lead earth pony, just as he triumphantly managed to set a hoof on the quarterdeck. After he planted his hoof, he looked up at me and attempted to smirk, pleased that he had navigated my accidental assault course. Attempted to smirk, of course, because it is rather difficult to make any facial expression when your muzzle has just been caved in by a flying front hoof kick. Such was the momentum behind my desperate attack that the earth pony’s unconscious body was sent tumbling backwards into his fellows, essentially turning them into pirate pony bowling pins as I rode my living surfboard down the wooden stairs.
When we reached the bottom I didn’t pause for a second, knowing that some form of retribution may already be on my slightly singed tail. Instead, I leapt off of my temporary living transportation, using the forward momentum to send me airborne for a few seconds before landing and tucking into a perfect roll. I grimaced as I stood and turned to face my attackers, noting that other than the poor fellow I’d just used to ride down the stairs, none of the other ponies had been taken out of the fight. Seven quickly recovering earth ponies were heading towards me, their pegasus counterparts moving carefully through the mass of wires and ropes above to join them. I only had a few seconds before the mass of flying ponies got into position, at which point I would be immediately overwhelmed by sheer numbers.
Seven ponies. About ten seconds.
I may have to cheat a little here.
I made careful note of each earth pony’s position, marking them on my mental map of the ship. This was a trick I had learnt after years of running away from both angry gang members and police officers. Always know where your opponent is, even if you can’t see them. Knowing your surroundings and the locations of your enemies was an advantage that only fools ignore, to their own peril.
When I was confident in my approach, I made my move. Shouting a wild an unintelligible battle cry, I charged the first earth pony, who immediately went into a guard position by locking his legs up and hunching his shoulders, ready to take my charge full on. I chose not to do that of course. My hands flashed out of my sleeves, sending a dozen small orbs flying towards the mass of pirates. Before they could react, the pellets had exploded, sending a thick smoke to cover the environment.
The lead pony that I had charged stayed tensed up, eyes darting back and forth as he searched for an attack that was never going to come. The moment the smoke bombs had gone off, I had darted to the side, immediately changing my direction and heading towards the pirate at the back of the group. According to my mind map, he should be exactly four and a half feet in front of me. The coughing pirate emerged from the smoke in front of me and I didn’t pause for an instant, immediately grabbing his dazed head and driving it into my knee before letting him drop to the ground.
Now, eight feet to my left was another one, a dark green pirate with a shaggy black mane if I remember correctly. A second later I was proven correct as a swift kick to the leg broke the green-coated pirate’s kneecap, followed by a snap kick to the jaw that sent his head jerking upwards before falling to the ground.
Turn around. Another seven and a half feet on silent hooves. Leap onto the pirate’s back and wrap my arms around his neck, as I quickly strangle him to the point of unconsciousness. You have reached your destination.
Roll off that pirate and dash forwards. Ten feet to the tensed up pony ready for a forward assault. I grabbed his back legs and took him completely by surprise. He let out a strangled yelp as I pulled his legs out from under him, causing him to collapse to the deck. A swift blow from the hilt of my knife put him out of commission.
Only three left now. I smiled with satisfaction.
A dark, furry form collided with me from the side, knocking the wind out of me as we were sent tumbling to the ground. A greasy maned pony stood over me, growling through his teeth at me. How the hell had he known where I was.
Shit. That last one managed to cry out. I should have already been moving. Stupid! Stupid!
If I pulled something like that back on the streets of London then I’d already be dead. Some pissed off, psychopathic gang member would be eagerly driving a shiv into my stomach as fast as he could. Instead, here in Equestria, I just had some hoof shaped bruises and a chance to fight my attacker as he stood over me, growling menacingly.
Slamming my hands into either side of his head, I discombobulated the pirate, quite possibly shattering his eardrums with the amount of force I put behind the double handed slap. I wasn’t quite done yet though. My fingers dug into the pirate’s dirty fur as I dragged his head down, raising my own head to meet it halfway. The infamous Glasgow Kiss landed to stunning and bloody effect. Against a human, it was usually a matter of who had the thicker skull. But against a pony, a being that was equipped with a distinctly more delicate muzzle, it could have some very impressive effects. The pirate’s nose practically exploded as I slammed my head into it, the bone that made up the front of the muzzle crumpling under the force applied. I was left with a bit of a nasty headache and some pony blood smeared on my face. The pirate I had headbutted was left whimpering on the ground as he cried for his mother.
Personally, I think I won that little duel.
Two enemies left and they had quite possibly heard that last little fight. Rather than go charging off blindly into the smoke, I chose to simply wait by the moaning body of my defeated enemy for them to come to me. Quite soon, I was rewarded with the sight of two silhouettes charging out of the fog directly towards me. Reaching down, I grasped the tail of my recently defeated opponent and began to do a small spin in the spot, using my meagre might to drag the moaning body of the bloody nosed pirate along with me. Once I’d completed one full circle I released the pirate, sending him sliding along the rum-soaked deck towards one of his charging allies. The approaching pirate was taken entirely off guard when his legs were taken out from underneath him, causing him to begin falling face first towards the deck. He was taken off guard once more when, rather than a welcoming wooden deck, his face met my rising hoof, causing him to join his not so stalwart ally in bloody nosed pain.
The final earth pony was more wary than his fellow. He could see me now, close enough that the smoke screen was simply shielding our fight from the pegasi. Determination filled the pirate’s eyes as we slowly began to circle each other, looking for any flaws in the other’s defences. He bunched his muscles up and scraped one hoof along the deck, snorting out some air as he did so. Any moment now he was going to charge and bash my brains in with his hooves.
Or at least, he would have done, had I not cut to the chase and thrown one of my magical cards at him.
I didn’t even bother to check which card it was before I threw it, simply trusting in my luck that it would be a good one. It struck the earth pony full on in the chest and, with a sharp crack of released force, the pirate was sent flying backwards into the smoke. Clubs it was then, and a fairly powerful one at that. I distinctly heard him impact against something, quite possibly the main mast of the ship considering our positioning in my mental map.
I was panting with exertion now, desperately trying to catch my breath after that fight. Taking out eight opponents in less than ten seconds is no mean feat, even with all the little tricks I had used to even the odds. Now then, the smokescreen should last another fifteen seconds or so before the sea wind managed to disperse it. That’s more than enough time to get to one of the hatches and escape below deck. That way, when the pegasi follow me, the close quarters of the hold would remove their advantages and put us on a more even footing.
I was beginning to head in the direction of where the nearest hatch was when the smoke began to thin out, much quicker than it naturally should have been. I wasn’t even halfway to my target when the last wisps of the smokescreen were blown away and I saw what had just happened. The pegasi, at the direction of Melody, had used their wings to create a gust that removed my smokescreen.
Clever girl.
For a moment, I considered making a mad dash to the hatch, but abandoned that thought a second later. As fast as I was on the ground, the pegasi were faster in the air. I’d be cut down before I got anywhere near the hatch door. Wearily, I looked down at the knife in my hand before raising it before me in a traditional guard stance. My other hand I formed into a fist before slowly raising my middle finger directly at Vibrant Melody. Slowly, I moved the offending finger back and forth in the well known ‘come and get it’ gesture. Despite being an entirely fingerless species, the ponies somehow managed to understand my gesture and were more than happy to oblige me. With an inarticulate shout of fury, the fifteen pegasi began to dive bomb me.