After Richtofen's Endgame
From the eyes of Edward Richtofen and Samuel J. Stuhlinger
Hello mien fruends. Wunderbar day ve are having, no?
Anyvay, if you are reading zis, you are inside mien head.
And mine, also mine!
Ja, Samuel's head too. I am Dr. Edward Richtofen, und I am ze sole controller of zis realm!
You're the sole controller of... something... Shut up!
Oh dear don't bust a gut Samuel, it's my gut too.
Anyvay, my victory has given me ultimate power! But alas, zis power come at a terrible price. My new body is in constant danger, und it needs protection. Zat is vhy ve are going to a new realm, one not inhabited by zombies.
Oh joy, at least there will be easy food there. I'm not good at scavenging that much.
Alright. So, vhat are ve doing reading zis pointless introduction section, let's get to it!
I am building a teleporter out of spare parts in zat buried town place right now. It isn't obvious to you because you can only see this story from our perspective. Und you are not really smart, so I have to put it in dumb person terms.
"Who are you calling a dumb person?"
I turned to see an old negro. His name is Russman. He is Samuel's bestest friend in ze whole, vide vorld.
Yeah, he's pretty awesome.
"Oh, did I say zat out loud? Sorry Russman, von't happen again."
"Whatever, I preferred it if Stu had his own body, instead of you sharing it with him."
"Und vhy is zat?"
"Remember last night?"
"Hmmmmm..."
"No, not really, no."
"Figures. What are you doing with that doohickey?
"It's a teleporter. It going to take us to a new, magical land, outside of zis universe."
"Huh, maybe I can finally get some damn rest for once, my bones aren't what they used to be."
"Good. Misty, you finished screwing in ze bolts?"
"Eeyup, it's go-hoo-oood!" Abigail 'Misty' Briarton, she vas a farm girl, vith brown hair, und freckles.
Fucking bitch.
Sam doesn't like her, I don't like her either, reminds me of Dempshey. Shtupid American.
One thing we agree on at least.
"Vunderbar. Marlton, ze circuit-board?"
A brown haired man vith thick glasses und a red tie looked at me. He's almost as smart as me. Almost.
"Almost finished, a request such as yours requires delicate pro..."
"Ja ja, I only care if it's finished, zere is no need for ze useless banter you can go off into at times. Still, you are not a dumkoff like ze ozzers."
"Thank you, as for the circuit-board, it. Is. Done!"
*CLLK*
"Ja, now ve need large amounts of Element 115."
"Can I come out now?"
"Errm, ja, you can."
"Good."
You see, this guy here told me what to do. In Washington, in China, and in this shit town. At least the candy shop's good.
Ja, candy, it's sweet.
Anyway, the reason I can hear him is because of a poor decision I made, I don't want to talk about it!
Ze are called Ze Flesh, und ze ate dead zombies. Sammy vas vith zem before leaving for some reason.
You... I hate you now.
Haahhh... Zis... Vas not ze best idea I had, to be honest.
We're getting off topic, these readers, they want entertainment, entertainment that makes the conspiracies reveal themselves for the lies they are.
Fine, go on ahead. I'm... just gonna see vhat you see.
"Okay, so... Ed, what... what are we lookin' for?"
"Element 115, do I need to explain it to you?"
"Umm, what does it look like?"
"Is this it?" Marlton asked.
Strangest rock I've ever seen.
"Ja, it is! Now, put it in ze compartment. Ve need... hmmm... 15 pounds of it."
"15 pounds! Where the hell are we gonna get that stuff?" Misty said.
"Vell... ve can alvays go to ze surface."
...
...
...
...
"Vhat, vhat'd I miss?"
"You know what, let's just go."
"Sure thing, Darlington!"
"Samuel, manners!"
"Heh, you know, I think I like this Richtofen."
"Zank you Misty."
"Fuck you Misty."
"Let's go. Schnell!"
And we just... ran off. We found the damn rocks we needed, and we went back to the site, put the rocks in the compartment, and let it rip!
Like zat moment earlier.
Hey, whoever smelt it, dealt it!
"Good, now, let's get out of zis shtinkhole. I am about to throw up, it's not good."
"Is this thing safe?" Marlton asked.
"Oh ja, sure. Ze worst that's gonna happen is nausea..." I said as I turned the knobs randomly. "Und zen zere is ze explosive diarrhea."
"The what now?" Russman said. I wasn't too sure either, I mean, nausea, diarrhea.
"Well, at least both are manageable, but are you even aware of where we are going to now?" Marlton's concerns had structure, I vill admit zat.
"Umm, vell, I'll admit, I'm really am just making zis up as I go, really."
"What?"
"What?"
"What?"
"What?"
"LET'S GO!!!"
I pressed ze button, und now ve are going to anozzer dimension. JOOOOOOY!!!
HOLY CRAP!!!
*BRRIIIRRRrrrr...*
"Everyone okay?"
"Oh my... Errr... you were right... sudden symptoms of nausea has just came over me. I about to perform emesis." Marlton said as he vomited his guts out. Vell, not literally, alzough, zat does seem arousing.
You're a sick-fuck, you know that?
"Ohhh... Russman sick to his stomach."
"Augh, me too. But I can keep it down... oh God..."
Haha, Misty's vomiting. Oh, God, I'm vomiting too. "UAGH... BLAUGH!!!"
You should have und antacid, vorks vonders on ze stomach.
"Oh... uh... thank you miss." Marlton said as he took a towel from a person we never met before. He took one look, one look, and was shocked at what he saw. I'd be too, she had wings, and a fucking horn!
"What... the... hell! EDWARD!!!"
"JAJAJA, I see her! At least ve know zat ze device vorked."
"What is wrong with your eyes? Who are you?"
"Russman seen some crazy shit over his lifetime, but this almost takes the cake."
"Oh, yes it would, 'take the cake'... which by the way I cannot eat, for I am intolerant of sugar and dairy."
"Marly, sweetie, we have a problem."
"Please tell me who you four are." The... mutant said.
"Ahem, let me explain. Zat old man, his name is Russman."
"Pleasure to meet you ma'am."
"Ze voman is Misty."
"Sup?" Misty said that in a cautious tone. Ha, not so tough now, are you?
"His name is Marlton."
"Um... salutations, my... acquaintance. As he said, I am Marlton, Marlton Johnson, and I am talking to a white furred woman with wings, a horn, and a hairstyle that defies the laws of physics, hehe."
"Pony, actually."
"Wait, what are you..."
"Oh, I see vhat happened, you are a combination of ponies, und humans, zis is wunderbar."
"Humans? Is that what you are?"
"Yes we are. We are an omnivorous, highly intelligent species from another dimension that have adaptive capabilities, variety of genetics that allow for skin tones, eye color and a variety of other things, advance weaponry..."
"Und ve are a science oriented group, ja. It is how I'm sharing a body vith mien freund, Samuel. I am Edward Richtofen, at your service." I took her hand, und kissed it, gently.
"Oh, well... nice to meet you... five? I am not sure it you count as two Edward, or Samuel or..."
"Please, just count us as one person, under me, because this was my body first!"
"Okay Samuel. I am Princess Celestia."
"Princess?" Russman was thinking the same thing as me.
"Oh, so this is a monarchy?" Marlton asked.
"Yes, but if you want to be specific Marlton, principality."
"What now?" Huh, I wouldn't have expected a voman like Misty to know zat.
"It means zat she is ze ruler of zis country, a small one, but a country nonetheless."
"I see you and Marlton are well versed in the intelligent arts."
"Zank you Celestia."
"If I may, why have you come to this world?"
"Oh, well, if you want to know, zombie apocalypse, all because of conspiracy!"
"Here we go again."
"Shut up Misty."
"Zombies? My word, you all must have been through so much."
"Believe me, you don't know half of it." Russman said, matter of fact.
"Okay..." She backed up a bit. I did so too, she's suspicious. I bet this was con...
Samuel, shut. Ze fuck. UP!
"Ja, ja... listen, do you have any beds?"
"Eeyup, I haven't had a full night's sleep in months." Misty leaned back, und I heard pops. I vish ze vere louder, zat sounds fun.
"Very well. You may all rest if you like. Guards!"
Four gold armored guys came in, with spears, and pistols. Guess the spears are for show.
Ja...
"And another thing, I will need to confiscate your weapons, they are restricted to military and VIP protection uses only in this world."
"Very well, I will respect your laws to the letter." Marlton handed over his DSR-50, vhich is so big, und long, und stiiiiiff.
Are you... OH GOD, YOU ARE!!!
I cannot help it. I used somezing much bigger before zough, hehe.
"Fine, but I won't like it!" Misty gave up her Remington over.
"Russman would still like to see stuff blowing up in this place." Ze Russman gave up his War Machine. Pity, it vas pretty... explosive. Nyaha!
That was terrible, and you should know it.
Oh ja, it vas, but vhy not?
"Alright... here's my two guns." I gave Celestia my six-shooter, and my Executioner. I will miss you, beloved guns.
Ze are just guns Sam.
I know but... they are so awesome!
"Thank you and it is with my pleasure to welcome you all to Equestria."
"Is zat so? Vunderbar. I vill enjoy zis new realm."
"I hope you do. Edward, I hope you do."
All four of us vent vith a single guard. Russman und us got ze same room. Und I'm sure zose ozzers vere in anozzer room together too. Ve both decided to just go to sleep. No short chats... yet.
Vell, zat vent better ze expected, ja?
Well? We're in a world, with fucking horse-man hybrids!
Stop zat negativity Samuel, und enjoy ze finer zings in life.
Fine, but I still don't like this.
Blah, blah blah. Shut up! Ve're done now!