Peaceful quiet permeated the forest. There were happy birdsongs to be heard, the sun’s light shone beautifully through the thick treetops, painting ornate shadow patterns over the densely growing grass. A slight breeze kept the painting ever alive and changing, gaining assistance through small woodland creatures like squirrels jumping from branch to branch or rabbits scurrying through the landscape. It was a perfect portrayal of a quiet forest and the peaceful life of its denizen.
Jack couldn’t stand the sight of it.
It wasn’t the forest’s fault. Jack could barely stand the sight of anything, especially peaceful and happy things. He was the kind of person who enjoyed nothing more than wallowing in misery and drowning himself in the tainted ways of sapient beings, but instead of writing poems about such things he preferred to express his disgust in consumption of numerous alcoholic beverages. Unfortunately for Jack, he didn’t have any kind of alcohol at hand right now, although he really wished he would. Being turned into a pony had put him into a real drinking mood.
Yet with the lack of any intoxicating liquids, Jack had to settle for a deep, disgusted sigh before turning away and starting to look for his teammates. Just like the minute before, they were nowhere to be found. That was no surprise, seeing how the brown-coated stallion that had once been a man somewhere in his forties had not moved any considerable distance since his last attempt to look around. Enthusiasm and doing more work than necessary was not one of Jack’s strong points. Getting the job barely done with the least amount of effort however, definitely was. It wasn’t a problem of laziness. Jack just disliked working more than he should.
He disliked a lot of things.
Before Jack’s thoughts could wander any more in the direction of listing off what he didn’t like and what he really loathed however, the forest exploded.
It was a small and very contained explosion, only uprooting one tree and cracking about two others, not even noticeable from up above. Considering that it was achieved by a viking punching a bear though, it was a somewhat impressive demonstration of brute strength.
it wasn’t easy to discern the hulking stallion’s northern ancestry, but the unusual thickness of his buff-colored coat, the length and unsubduedness of his likewise colored mane and his bulging muscles were giving at least some kind of direction for one’s suspicion to wander.
“God, I need a drink”, Jack murmured to himself as the bear crashed down beside him. The muscle-bound giant of a pony jumped on top of the unconscious animal and let out a victorious laugh.
“Ha! Well fought, brave beast! I hope our fists cross again one day! May-”
“Hooves, Baldur.”
“What?” The giant looked confused, staring at Jack with incomprehension. Jack gave an annoyed sigh.
“It’s hooves, Baldur. Ponies don’t have fists, they have hooves. And neither have bears, for that matter.”
“Hooves?” Another annoyed sigh.
“Fists, Baldur. They also don’t have fists.” The giant called Baldur looked very disappointed at that. “Oh”, was all he said. He looked down upon the knocked-out bear, contemplating the sight. A thoughtful expression wandered over his face, melancholy entering his eyes when he turned to the other pony.
“So...no fistfights?” Jack closed his eyes and silently counted to ten.
“Sure, whatever. Just get down from the bear.” Obedient as a schoolboy towards his teacher, Baldur complied without complaining. He jumped off the bear with a slight hop, eliciting a sound which suggested that the bear’s ribcage had received an unhealthy rearranging, before landing with a thundering rumble on the ground.
Well, that was one down. Only four more to go, plus two criminals to capture. Then, Jack would finally be able to have his wish fulfilled. “Alright, Baldur, have you seen any of the others?”
“Erm...,”
“Right, too busy punching bears.” Jack rolled his eyes and turned away. He wished he could lament that the first teammate he had found was useless, but he couldn’t. After all, his entire team was useless.
Ignoring the distraught viking stallion behind him, Jack surveyed the forest in front of him. A minute later, he wished he hadn’t.
Apart from its usual, life-affirming, impressionistic scenery, the forest had acquired two additions: a ninja and a cyborg.
“Nin! Nin nin nin!,” uttered the pony completely wrapped into black cloth, pointing accusingly at his opposite.
“Illogical. I have no data on eliminating any beings that match the specification ‘sensei’,” replied the cyborg. His entire body was formed out of metal plates, bolts clearly joining them together and whenever the cyborg shifted his position, a soft mechanical whirr could be heard. The only part of his body that was still organic was his face, only his right eye replaced by red-glowing robot eye.
The ninja was clearly not satisfied with this answer, his indignation visible through the small streak that left his eyes uncovered. His forehoof reached up to the hilt of a sword which was resting in a sheath on his back.
Upon this motion, the cyborg lifted his forehoof as well, pointing it at the ninja. Another mechanical whirr could be heard, this time louder than usual, and the hoof opened up into a cannon.
“Threat detected. Activating self-defense program.”
“Nin!”
“You gotta be fucking kidding me,” groaned Jack, before he stepped up. “Hey, you guys, stand down, goddamnit!” Surprised at this sudden interruption, the ninja and the cyborg lowered their hooves and turned their heads.
“Commander!”
“Nin!”
“What the fuck is going on? Oh wait,” he added just when the cyborg opened his mouth to answer, “I don’t care! Get your shit together, I really don’t have the patience with dragging your sorry-ass carcasses through this forest, just to get picked up again!”
“Actually, Commander--,” began the metal construct, only to be interrupted again.
“I said I don’t care! We’re here because the Bureau sent us to deal with the anomalies. So let’s get to it! Now, Cyborg! Where the fuck are we supposed to go?!”
“Our target destination is 5 miles to the east, further instructions are received at the arrival,” answered the cyborg called Cyborg. Jack nodded.
“Right then, let’s go.”
“Negative.” Jack halted in the middle of a step and turned his head, staring at Cyborg in disbelief.
“Excuse me?”
“Negative, Commander,” repeated Cyborg and the ninja nodded affirmingly. Jack stared at them both.
“Why the fuck not?”
“Nin,” explained the ninja gravely.
“What’s that supposed to mean, ‘we’re surrounded’?” The ninja shrugged with his shoulders.
“Nin nin.”
“I detect 70 hostiles in our immediate surroundings.” Jack stared at Cyborg, completely robbed of words. Fortunately, Baldur helped him out of the shock.
“By Thor’s mighty beard! We’re surrounded!” Jack turned around to the hulking viking, who slowly walked backwards, staring into the forest. At first, Jack didn’t see what Baldur was staring at. All he saw was a strange white blanket covering the entire ground around them. Then he realized that it wasn’t a blanket but instead a large group of small white animals. Rabbits, to be exact. Jack’s eyes widened in disbelief and then he sighed. He didn’t get paid enough for this.
“Alright, what the fuck is going on with those rabbits?”
“Those are the hostiles.”
“Hosti-- they’re fucking rabbits, you big piece of metal junk!” A loud snap sounded. Jack turned his infuriated gaze from Cyborg to the rabbits, from where the sound had come from. Apparently, those rabbits either understood him and wanted to establish their dominance or they were unusually aggressive. Either way, one of them had broken the bear’s neck and now looked at Jack. It ran its paw across its throat when it caught his stare.
“You can not be fucking serious,” whispered Jack, unable to take his eyes of the horde of bloodthirsty rabbits.
“Nin.”
“Oh really? Thanks for clarifying that, I wasn’t able to tell that these rabbits have the intent to kill!,” hissed the team leader in a mix of terror and fury.
“No! Ser Bear! Gah, these fluffy bastards shall pay for taking your life! I say we slaughter them all!”
“The probability of us surviving a direct confrontation is 0 percent,” clarified Cyborg with a calm voice.
“Are you shitting me?!” Jack’s exclamation was met with Cyborg’s calm gaze and a raised eyebrow.
“My calculations are accurate 99.76 percent of the time.” Jack’s fright was overpowered by his fury at these words. He turned towards Cyborg and gripped his head with both his forehooves, dragging it in front of his face.
“How in god’s fucking hell did you not notice a horde of killer rabbits coming towards us?!”
“Their stealth systems were activated.” Jack looked at the rabbits again. Blood was dripping out of the dead bear’s mouth by now. The one that had broken its neck had started to dip its paws into the deep-red fluid and paint its face with it.
Jack turned back to Cyborg. “You tell me I should just accept my death because your radar is too shitty to pick up 70 killer rabbits?!”
“Negative.”
“What?!”
“Acceptance of death is not necessary, Commander. If demanded, I can use my short-distance teleport to transport us to safety,” Cyborg clarified.
“Then why the hell didn’t you use it already?!”
“You hadn’t given the order to do so, Commander.”
“You goddamn--” Yet Cyborg should never know what kind of a damned creature he was. Baldur, enraged over the loss of his dear friend Ser Bear, couldn’t bear to see his death unavenged any longer. Rising up to his back legs and thrusting his fore hooves into the air, he gave a thundering roar. His forehooves slammed onto the ground and he thrust himself forward, a muscle-bound pony made missile that aimed straight for the horde of rabbits.
Jack didn’t like a lot of things. Losing a teammate counted among them. His eyes widening in panic as horrific visions of a flood of paperwork appeared in his mind and he slammed his hoof against Cyborg’s chest, yelling in alarm: “Do it! Do it!”
“Confirmed.” The air around Cyborg began to crackle, flashes of electricity appearing all over his body. Soon, the flashes’ arches began to grow wider and wider, their other ends attaching themselves first to Jack, Nin, and finally Baldur, grabbing him out of mid-run. There was a sudden flash and a booming sound, the whole world turned white. When the light faded, the group of four had disappeared, only a charred circle left where Cyborg had stood.
---
There was much to be done and Twilight barely had any time for it. Although the sun had just risen over Ponyville, impatience had already taken hold of the lavender unicorn. She paced back and forth, impatiently wiggling the quill in her magical grasp as she passed the table again and again. A list had to be compiled with utmost care, after all, but it also took away a lot of the time Twilight could spend with finishing the things she compiled the list for. Yet she didn’t dare rush it. What if she forgot something in her haste? Then all of this list would be for nothing.
Luckily, a sudden realization struck her and with a satisfied smile, she wrote another item on the list: make sure all library books are correctly shelved. She allowed herself a brief moment to admire this point and congratulating herself for remembering it. This was, after all, very important. It was the quintessence of a library, tidiness. Without it, how was one supposed to find the book one was looking for?
She was so satisfied with this spark of inspiration that she did not notice the rumbling until it shook the wooden horse head sculpture. Surprised, Twilight dropped her quill and grasped at the sculpture to steady it. Just when she had secured it, however, the rumbling reached the bookshelves, shaking their content precariously. Shocked and terrified at the sight of her orderly library becoming messy, Twilight tried her best to protect her sanctuary. She caught one book, then two, three, four. Then, when the fifth one fell, a crackling came to the rumbling and suddenly, a flash of electricity appeared in front of Twilight. Then another and then a third and soon, the entire library was cast in a web of lightning bolts, dancing on the spot as if in giddy excitement.
Twilight could barely raise an eyebrow at this, when the flash of light hit. She yelled in surprise, closing her eyes and losing the control over her magic when a flood of white light filled the room. Golden Oak Library lit up like a christmas tree from the outside, its windows flashing brightly for a brief moment. When it passed, however, the light receded and in a matter of seconds, everything had returned to normal.
Except for Twilight and the inside of the library, of course. When she opened her eyes, devastation met her gaze. Books strewn all about, even the sculpture had fallen. Twilight’s shoulders slumped, until a collection of unknown voices made her jump in surprise.
“Fuck, I’m blind!”
“Unlikely, the illumination has been put at a level that is only slightly damaging to the eye.”
“Nin! Nin nin nin, nin!”
“Chaaaarge! For Ser Bear!” The very next moment, a heavy impact followed and the crushing of wood could be heard. Twilight spun around, only to stare at the scene in disbelief.
Four strangers stood in her library. One of them, a hulking earth pony stallion that seemed capable of overshadowing even Big Mac, was busy with dislodging himself out of the wall he had caved in, as well as the shelf that had stood in front of it, until he had smashed it into little pieces with his own body. The other three stood a little bit away from him, but their sight was not any less strange. One of them was a pony of unknown tribe, clad completely in black cloth. The pony’s features were completely hidden, not even the gender could be discerned. Only the eyes were visible, but what caught more attention was the fact that the pony carried two small swords around with it, one on the back and the other attached to the hip.
The next one was even stranger. His gender was discernible, but only through his facial features. His entire body seemed to be made out of metal plates and mechanical limbs. A slight swirr could be heard whenever he moved and his right eye was a red, glowing streak. Even his unicorn horn was made of steel. Only one of them seemed to be a normal pony. He was an earth pony with a brown coat and black hair, both his mane and tail cut very short. A cigarette was between his lips and seemed in the real danger of being bitten in two, since he gnashed his teeth while glaring at the metal unicorn.
“How about you try ‘not damaging at all’ next time?! And while we’re on the subject of next time: next time, you just fucking do what is useful and teleport us away from anything that tries to kill us and we can’t kill, capiche?!”
“I have not received the software update to make these kind of decisions.”
“Nin nin.” The metal unicorn looked quizzically at the cloaked figure.
“Illogical. A heart can give no direction, it only serves to pump blood. Following it is akin to following one’s nose.”
“Where are they?! Where are the cowardly bastards?!” Wood planks hit the ground when the giant finally escaped his self-made prison and surveyed the room with a furious gaze. Because of that, his eyes inevitably found Twilight.
“Wench!” The lavender unicorn flinched at the thundering voice, still shell-shocked by all of this.
“Where are they?!”
“Wh-who?,” Twilight asked, her eyes widened by fright as she stared up to the hulking stallion.
“Don’t protect them! They may look fluffy, but they have no honor! Their blood shall be spilled! For Ser Bear!”
“Wh-what?”
“Aw, great, and who the fuck is this?” Twilight turned her head and saw the brown earth pony, staring at her angrily as if she was to blame for all of this. Involuntarily, Twilight furrowed her brow.
“My name is Twilight Sparkle, and you should really watch your mouth, sir--”
“Right, I don’t have time for this shit. Cyborg.”
“Commander?”
“Stunphasers.”
“Understood, Commander.” Twilight had no idea what they were talking about. She only saw the metal unicorn raise his right front leg, point his hoof at her and suddenly, a bright light flashed. Then she lost consciousness.
---
“Odin’s eye! You killed her!” Baldur gasped when Twilight hit the ground.
“What? No!” Jack denied. He turned to Cyborg. “She’s not dead, right?”
“Affirmative, Commander. Shall we correct that?” Cyborg asked, raising his weaponized hoof. Already, a whirring sound could be heard and the metal plates around the opening started to shift.
“What? No!” Jack repeated himself. “I already got enough problems, a dead woman ain’t gonna be one of them!”
“The correct term would be ‘mare’, Commander.”
“As if I give a fuck.”
“I advise you should. Blending into alien society is best achieved by adopting their customs and terminology--”
“Wench! Can you hear me?! Answer me!” Baldur’s booming voice drowned out Cyborg’s explanation about blending in. The viking had apparently not paid much attention to Jack’s words and had now grabbed the lavender unicorn at her shoulders, shaking her furiously.
“Knock it off, Baldur,” Jack reprimanded him, worriedly watching the unicorn’s head get flung back and forth, “you’ll break her neck if you keep it up. And if that happens, I will have you deal with the following bureaucratic shitstorm.”
Baldur gave Jack a confused look at the word ‘bureaucratic’, but did as he was told and stopped his waking efforts. He carefully put Twilight on the floor again and then turned back to the other three.
“Right then,” Jack said, giving his team a stern look, “is everyone ready?” They nodded. Jack nodded back. “Good. Now, Cyborg, what about those instructions?”
“At once, Commander,” answered Cyborg. Immediately, his red eye turned neon green as it was accompanied by a soft hum. Then a beam shot out of it, forming a cone of green light on the ground between the four once-not-ponies. They waited for a moment, and then a pony figure appeared in the green light.
“Commander Jack,” the figure greeted them, its voice distorted by static. The image itself wasn’t all too clear either, the figure flickered in and out of existence every few seconds, and its features melted into the green light that surrounded it. “Welcome to Equestria.”
“Err, thank you, Sir,” Jack replied, eyeing the figure confusedly. He leaned towards Cyborg. “Why’s he a pony?” he whispered.
“Unusually strong morphic fields are causing heavy interference with the signal, Commander. It is unavoidable,” explained Cyborg.
“Nin ni--”
“It’s NOT magic!” Everyone in the room, except the unconscious unicorn, drew back at Cyborg’s explosive reaction. He blinked. “I apologize. My core programming reacts violently to non-scientific explanations.”
“Is there a problem?” The figure’s distorted voice brought everyone’s attention back to the hologram.
“No no, not at all, Sir,” Jack hastily replied, waving his hoof back and forth in assurance.
The pony figure nodded. “Good. Then let’s proceed.” The figure set itself upright. “About 3 intergalactical clicks prior, we detected a breach in the interdimensional containment shield M/12/16-M/16. One biological life form illegally crossed over from dimension cluster M/16 to M/12/16 and is now hiding close to your position. The illegal immigrant is confirmed to be unarmed, but nonetheless dangerous and highly reproductive. The Bureau wants you to find the immigrant and eliminate any kind of threat he could pose to this dimension cluster’s integrity.” The pony figure then turned to Jack. “This will be your final assignment as an active field agent, Commander. Happy hunting.”
With this, the figure disintegrated and the cone of green light disappeared as Cyborg’s eye turned to its normal, menacing red again.
Jack smiled. “Alright then! We got our orders, let’s get to it!” Having the confirmation from higher up had given him a boost. Finally, after this mission. Only this one mission, and he would gain what he wanted, more than anything in the world.
“Twilight?”
Jack froze up immediately. Everything inside his head screamed not to turn around, but curiosity was a cruel mistress. Every single vertebra in his neck cracked as slowly, so very slowly, Jack turned his head against his better judgement, to face this new threat to a smooth retirement. It was a purple, upright walking lizard.
“Twilight, c’mon. You gotta get up.” the lizard softly shoved the unicorn’s motionless body, his hands trembling as he stared at the unconscious mare.
“Twilight, don’t do this to me. C’mon, you’re so strong. You gotta... you just gotta...,” the lizard pleaded with a voice Jack presumed to be male. He had been wrong about this kind of thing before though.
“Cyborg, that thing’s a dude, right?” Jack whispered, leaning towards the steel-stallion as tears started to form in the lizard’s eyes.
“Affirmative, Commander,” affirmed Cyborg with a flash of his robotic eye. “draconis vulgaris, approximately elementary school age, and male.”
“Dragon?” A low grumble went through the library. The young dragon looked up shock, tears still streaming down his cheeks as he mourned for the apparent passing of his beloved older sister. The pony giant that had turned his back to him until now, was now facing him. His expression was threatening, a mad gleam in his eyes. “This is... a dragon?”
Something about how Baldur pronounced ‘dragon’ didn’t give Jack a good feeling. “Err, I suppose. Cyborg says it’s only a baby though.”
“small child, Commander,” corrected Cyborg.
“Whatever, they both annoy the piss out of me. Anyway, Baldur--” but Jack should never get further.
The little baby dragon suddenly leapt up and pointed accusingly towards Baldur, bitter tears rolling to his chin and snot dripping from his nose. “You hurt Twilight! You... you killed her! You monster!”
Before anyone else could act, Spike breathed deeply, and then exhaled with righteous fury, emerald flames coming forth from his lips, licking hungrily at the viking pony. They lightly singed the fur on his right foreleg.
Jack exhaled in relief, but his ease should be short-lived for a strange light began to glow in Baldur’s eyes. “It is a dragon!” A broad grin appeared on his face and his eyes widened in hysteric happiness. “Finally! A beast worthy to be slain!”
Not only Jack was bewildered by Baldur’s choice of words. Spike, left by his brief bravado, took a step back - and then leapt when a enormous hoof sped towards him, smashing the floor to bits where he had stood just moments ago. Baldur pulled his leg back, but the motion he willed was not the motion that happened. His hoof was stuck in the hole he had punched.
For a heartbeat, Spike and Baldur looked at each other. Then, finally overcome by sense (or at least fear), Spike turned around and ran as fast as his short legs allowed him.
“Remain here, fiery lizard!” hollered Baldur, ripped his hoof out of the hole and jumped after him. The huge shadow falling over him warned Spike of the once more impending danger and hastily, he threw himself to the side upon which Baldur impacted on the floor with a loud wham!
Not waiting to see if he was safe, Spike kept on running, through the door and slammed it shut behind him, before the pitter-patter of tiny feet told Jack and the others that he ran further.
“No! Your teeth and scale shall be mine!” howled the massive viking, jumped up on all of his four and ran after the baby dragon. Jack opened his mouth, but he was too late, and one loud impact later, a hole in the door was the only thing left behind by Baldur in this room.
“Aw shit,” Jack growled.
“Shall we take up pursuit, Commander?” Cyborg inquired.
“We better, or this crazy viking is going to skin this little lizard alive. And I don’t want to sign papers for transferring equipment gained during a field job to personal possessions.” Jack sighed as he walked towards the door. “I can already tell, this is gonna be one shitty final job,” he mumbled to himself.