//------------------------------// // Sexy Back // Story: The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted // by defender2222 //------------------------------// “Hey Applejack, have you seen Big Macintosh?” Applebloom asked, trotting up to her sister who had just returned from Canterlot to help in the search for Twilight/cover up for Fluttershy. Applejack wiped the sweat from her brow (‘Oh, why does Canterlot have to be so high up… the stairs, the stairs!’). “I think he is in the barn, AB. I wouldn’t go bother him right-“ “What did you just call me?” “Huh?” Applebloom frowned, her eyes narrowed. “You called me AB. Why would you call me AB?” “What do you mean? I’ve called you AB before.” “You have never called me that before.” Applejack scoffed. “I’m sure I have.” “And I am sure I have never heard you call me AB. No one has ever called me AB!” Applebloom rolled her eyes at the look her big sister was sending her. “No… one. I’ve been called other things, like Bloomy and Bloomster and Baby Apples and Sweet Ass and-“ “Who calls you Sweet Ass?” Applejack asked, jaw clenched in outrage. “Our priest, Mr. Bad Touch. He calls me that during our secret games.” “Ok, I will deal with that in a minute, but I don’t see what the problem is with the nickname I came up with, honestly. I mean, ponies call me AJ… Applejack. And you are AB… Applebloom. Makes complete sense!” “Fine then… have you seen BM?” “BM?” “Big Macintosh, of course. I am sure he will be thrilled to hear his new nickname… who wouldn’t want to be named after how we remove plop from our bodies?” Applejack sighed. “Ok, so it doesn’t work for him, but-“ “And what about our aunt, the one you are half named after? I’m sure Aunt Bananajack will be all smiles when I cry out at the next family reunion ‘Hey, Aunt BJ!’.” “I… get… it.” “I bet Uncle Red Delicious will be thrilled to hear about Aunt BJ-“ “That’s enough of that.” “And what about our cousin, the one who lives with that stallion but they are ‘just friends’ even though there is only one bed in their apartment? I’m sure Dark Lemon will be real happy when I walk to him and Butt Breaker and scream ‘DL!’-“ “I get it!” Applejack shouted. “I won’t use any more nicknames like BB or MO or GS.” “GS? Like the God Squad?” “Who the hell is the God-“ In the world of Pony Fan Fictions there are two types of stories Those that are serious dramas that attempt to move you And those that are basically random jokes This is the later The God Squad: Equestria’s Most Wanted Episode 17: Sexy Back Shining looked up at the ceiling, a goofy grin on his face. While it was strange waking up from a night of hardcore sex without whip-wounds on his flank, fractures in his hip bones and a mirror on the ceiling, he wasn’t about to complain. Even if Cadence was a human and had looked like a quiet, meek nerd… the pink-skinned girl was a red-blooded demon in the sack. And her passion and inventive mind had let her show him just how nice these human bodies could be. ‘The things she did with her fingers… and her feet… and those squishy things on her chest…’ Shining let out a happy sigh, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. ‘And now that I’ve taught her the joys of sex, maybe we can-‘ “EEEEEEEEEEEECKKKKKKK!” Shining leapt out of bed, using the sheet to cover his nakedness (because, for once, he actually had something down there to cover!). “Oh, I’m… I’m sorry,” Cadence said meekly from where she stood in the doorway. “I forgot you were here and I thought you were the secret flasher that has been wandering around the campus.” Shining merely stared in horror at Cadence… who was wearing a faded, worn gray bathrobe, flannel pajamas, scuzzy looking slippers and her nerdy glasses. Her hair was once more in a bun and she was eating Lucky Charms straight from the box. She wore no makeup, did nothing to show off her beauty, and Shining was pretty sure she hadn’t even brushed her teeth yet. “What… but… what…” “Oh no, did the sexual intercourse give you brain damage?” Cadence hurried over and rubbed his back. “My mother always warned me sexual intercourse could do that to a person but now I see that the sexual intercourse-“ “Stop calling it that!” Shining shouted. “What… what should I call it?” Cadence asked meekly. “Sex… screwing… the beast with two backs… dunking the Oreo… draining the lizard in the taco stand… taking Big Mac to Dairy Queen… joining your spark to the Matrix… R2ing your 3PO…bow-chica-wow-wow!” “Those all sound filthy though… can’t we just use the clinical terms, please?” Cadence gave him a weak smile, shifting back and forth. “Or not at all?” “By Celestia it’s like I’m talking to Fluttershy.” Shining rolled his eyes, getting up and ignoring Cadence’s screech of horror when she saw his bare bottom. “Have you seen that white thing that was covering my pubic area?” “You mean your underpants?” “Yeah, those.” “On the ceiling fan.” “Thanks.” Shining closed his eyes and grunted, only for his shoulders to slump. “Right, no magic.” He got on the bed (earning another scream from Cadence) and retrieved his undergarment. “Wish I had my magic… I could go for some waffles right now. God of Breakfast my flank…” “What… what are you talking about?” Cadence asked, doing her best to shield her eyes from Shining’s nakedness. Seeing her covering her face with her arm left the former stallion utterly peeved; the Cadence he knew regularly took pictures of him right after sex. He didn’t know what she did with them, though… ~A Year Ago…~ “Hey Twilight, Princess Cadence sent you a letter!” “Let me see, Spike!” the lavender unicorn said happily, grabbing the envelope Spike had gotten from Derpy and tearing it open. “In her last letter she told me about how great her honeymoon was and she was planning on sending me-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!” Spike looked over her shoulder. “Hey, that’s no fair… why do Cadence and Shining get to cover themselves in Bavarian cream!” “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” ~MC~MC~MC~ “Shining, where are we going?” Cadence asked as she was dragged through the college courtyard. She had barely had time to pull on a gray hoodie and her favorite pair of baggy sweatpants before Shining had yanked her out the door. “Are we going to Dennys for breakfast? I like Dennys. Especially pancakes.” “Please don’t sing the Pancake Song.” Cadence frowned. “How do you know about Aunt Celestia’s Pancake song?” “I… I just know,” Shining said, tugging on Cadence's arm a bit harder to get her back on track. He was use to his wife getting flighty on him, as her naturally bubbly personality was a result, in part, of her ADD. This Cadence, however, seemed to use her ADD as an excuse to drive herself back to her dorm so she didn't have to deal with the world. "I could make pancakes at my dorm... wouldn't that be better? We could have pancakes and remain completely clothed and not do that wonder, amazing, sexalious thing we did..." Cadence's eyes glazed over and for a moment Shining saw another hint of his wife within the pink human female he was pulling across the quad. The next moment it was gone and Shining groaned in frustration. He had to get Cadence to be Cadence… for this reality’s Shining’s sake. "We are going to grab a few donuts to eat on the go and then we are going to a salon." "Why are we going to a salon?" Cadence asked innocently. "You are getting a makeover," Shining said sternly. "My frat brothers think you are a plain jane, below average girl who is all brains and no beauty. They want me to glam you up and then present you at a dance to win a bet, or something. Honestly I don’t remember what the reason for pointing you out was but it doesn’t matter now." Shining whipped around and cupped Cadence's face, staring at her tenderly. "I know, however, that you can be the most beautiful, jawing dropping pon...er... woman in the world and we are going to make every see that!" Cadence blinked, taking in his words. "Shining?" "Yes?" the former stallion said, leaning closer to her. "...I make really good pancakes. We should skip the salon and-" "THAT'S IT!" Shining shouted, grabbing Cadence and lifting her up over his shoulder. The young woman let out an eep as he stormed across the quad, carrying her easily away from her dorm. People stopped what they were doing and stared at the sight of the fraternity president carrying a squealing girl around. "Move along, nothing to see here!" Shining shouted at the people watching him. "Just kidnapping this girl I just slept with because she refuses to do what I want! Move along!" "Should we do something?" a student asked, watching Shining stomp away. "... nah, I think we should just let this happen," her friend said. "You know what you should do?" a white man with red hair, dressed in an ol' timey shirt, vest and hat said. "Dance!" The man began to do the Charleston. "Shoot, no one is joining me... play me off, Flam!" Flam, who was sitting at a worn piano, began to beat out a little tune. ~15 minutes later...~ "I'll arrange the strawberries like a smiley face!" Cadence pleaded as Shining carried her through Main Street, a bag of donuts clutched in his free hand. “A nice, simple smiley face! Wouldn’t that be the bee’s knees?” "For the last time no!" Shining shouted. "This naughty librarian look you have going on is great except there is no naughty about it! You are getting a makeover!" "But... but... then people will stare at me!" "Like they are staring at you now?" Shining asked dryly as he opened the door to the New Change Salon. "That's because you're-" "Shining Armor?" The blue haired human nearly dropped Cadence on her face. "TYDAL!?!" The capricorn-turned-college dean lifted up his cup of orange juice and gave the captain a mock toast before grabbing the cinnamon roll he was eating and taking a big bite. "I see you didn't waste any time, did you?” Shining set the bag of donuts down and slugged Tydal in the shoulder as hard as he could... then hid his wince as he shook his hand. "You... you bastard! You abandoned me!" "That I did... and that is the only reason you are keeping your head for striking me,” Tydal said dangerously. "Leave the boy alone, my love," a pink skinned woman said, her fiery hair a bushy mess of curls. She wore a simple green dress shirt and a pair of casual slacks... and a crossbow slung on her back. Her eyes danced with amusement as she breezed around Shining Armor. "Is this the boy you were telling me about?" "Indeed," Tydal said, gesturing lazily at Shining. "Shining Armor, my wife, Merida." Shining, remembering that in this reality he'd never met Tydal's wife, bowed his head slightly. "Ma'am." "Such a charmer, Tydal... I see why you like to pick on him." Merida gave him a grin that reminded the former stallion that in their world Merida was half shark. “I could just gobble him up.” “There is only one man you are allowed to wrap around your lips, my queen,” Tydal said. “Is that a threat?” “A promise.” “Cheeky boy.” “You know it.” Shining sighed. “I hate it when you two flirt.” "Who are you?" a pink-haired girl asked. She had suddenly appeared beside Shining and was practically bouncing up and down with glee at meeting a new person. She wore a pink and blue t-shirt with a picture of a seal on it and a mini skirt that showed off her green legs. "You’re a friend of my dad? How old are you? How tall are you? Do you like pie, because I do! What's your sign? What do you wish your sign was? What is the terminal velocity of an unladen swallow? Why are you carrying that girl around? Will you carry me around? It looks like fun, why don't you-AAACK!" Misty grabbed the girl, who was clearly her twin even if their personalities, much like their clothing, were completely different, and dragged her away. "Coral, sit!" Coral looked down at her three inch platform shoes and sighed. "Aw, but I want to play with the new guy! Come on Misty, be a pal... please?" "No." "Please!" "Please?" Coral begged, blinking her eyes rapidly. "No." "Aw, come on!" "Girls," Merida warned, Coral and Misty instantly sitting down and behaving; when Merida asked you to do something, you did it. Nodding to herself, she gestured towards the chair across from hers and Tydal’s. Shining dumped Cadence in it, clamping one hand on the skittish girl's shoulder while passing her a bear claw with the other. "Tell me, Shining Armor, what are you doing here and who is the girl you are forcing not to flee?" "She is Cadence and we are here to get her a makeover." "But if you are all waiting we can come back later!" Cadence said quickly, only to be forced to sit back down when she attempted to rise. "What are all of you doing here?" Shining asked. "My husband here," Merida gently jabbed Tydal in the side with her elbow, the sea god not even pausing in his wolfing down of his pastry, "decided to befriend a high school student and give her a makeover. I, being an intelligent woman, decided to accompany him to make sure he wasn't lying to me and he remembered that I was the only woman for me.” “As if I could forget, what with you getting me to scream your name every night.” “I’ll make you scream many things, darling.” “I’d like to see you try.” “I’d like to see you resist.” “Gag me,” Misty muttered. "Why are you helping this girl out, Tydal?" Shining asked. "She is being bullied at school and I took it upon myself to help her pretty herself up and then seek revenge on her enemies. I already found an instructional guide." He held up the book he had been reading before Shining entered. Misty rolled her eyes. "Father, for the fifth time, that is not a guide book, it is the novel "Pretty Little Liars"." "... so I shouldn't begin revealing girls secrets over Twitter under the penname of A?" Before Tydal could answer, Sunset Shimmer emerged from the back of the salon. "How do I look? she asked, flashing a slight smile. Merida blinked. "You... you look-" "The exactly bloody same as you did when you went back there! What the hell?" Sunset nervously fingered her hair. "The stylist said she didn't want to get too dramatic." "For the money I am paying her she should be bold and daring!" The stylist emerged, nervously biting her lip as she ran her black fingers through her blue hair. "I... I didn't want to go over the top..." "CHRYSALIS?!?" Shining and Tydal shouted. The stylist blushed. "Yes... but please, don't be so loud." The black-skinned woman blushed. "I hate drawing attention to myself." "...ok, I've had enough of this!" Tydal grabbed Cadence's chair and dragged it to the center of the room; he then snapped his fingers and motioned for his daughters to bring over two more chairs, which Chrysalis and Sunset promptly sat in. "Merida, put up the CLOSED sign." "Hey!" Lotus and Aloe shouted in unison. "You can't-" "Cram it," Tydal snarled. He waved his hand at the three girls, his family and Shining moving to join him. "It seems we are going to have to take drastic measures to fix you three." "Do I even know you?" Chrysalis complained, only to get a withering look sent her way. "Nevermind." "Does anyone else hear music playing?" Shining asked, suddenly looking up. Tydal (grabbing a broom and pointing it at the frightened girls, gesturing for them to try putting on some makeup) Let's get down to business To making you all cool. If you listen to what we say You’ll make any man drool Merida (shaking her head in disgust at seeing the girls lame attempt to put on makeup.) You're the saddest bunch I ever met But you can bet before we're through Ladies, we’ll make a babe Out of you. Shining (Walking with his head held high while Coral and Misty help the girls with their makeup) Men want a lady When they walk down the streets Tydal (Smirking as Merida grabs him from behind and kisses his neck) But once you are at the house They need a freak in the sheets Merida (pulling away from Tydal and jabbing her finger at the girls) You're a spineless, pale pathetic lot And you haven't got a clue. Misty (raising an eyebrow as the girls begin to try on some of the clothing Merida brought) Wow mom, that is harsh even for you. Cadence (examining some lacy underwear) I'm never gonna get the hang of this Sunset (Trying on bulky sweater, only for Coral to rip it away) This all just doesn’t seem like me Chrysalis (looking down at the sheer blouse Tydal gave her) Isn’t this top a little too low cut? Shining Tydal’s got them scared to death Misty Hope he doesn't do this to me Coral I’m not scared, I’m already a slut! Merida and Tydal CORAL! Coral What? Merida and Tydal (grabbing some more clothing and tossing it to the girls. As they try it on Tydal pins Merida to the wall and begins to run his hands along her sides) BE A BABE You must be swift as a coursing river BE A BABE With all warmth of a night in June BE A BABE With all the heat of a raging fire Mysterious as the dark side of the moon Shining (Pulling Tydal and Merida apart before things can go to far) This entire song Seems a bit contrived! Tydal (pulling out his knife, rage in his eyes as Merida walks away laughing) Cock-block me again And you won’t survive. Coral Daddy can we get McDonalds? Tydal Maybe when we are all done. Coral Oh good I love their ball pits They are fun! Cadence, Chrysalis, and Sunset (Emerging in their new outfits. Cadence dressed in a tight babydoll tee and lowcut jeans, Chrysalis in a green blouse and black holey jeans, and Sunset wearing her leather jacket. All three look sultry and sexy. Tydal, his family, and Shining gives them thumbs up.) BE A BABE We must be swift as a coursing river BE A BABE With all warmth of a night in June BE A BABE With all the heat of a raging fire Mysterious as the dark side of the moon All (Tydal wraps his arms around Chrysalis and Sunset while Shining offers his arm to Cadence as they leave the salon) BE A BABE We must be swift as a coursing river BE A BABE With all warmth of a night in June BE A BABE With all the heat of a raging fire Mysterious as the dark side of the moon “HEY!” Aloe shouted. “Who’s paying this bill?” “…cheese it!” Coral screamed, the group running away.