“K LETS GET TIHS MOTHERFUCKING SHOW ON TEH RODE”
“I’m with Chief,” Dash agreed. “Who should we prank first?” Pinkie Pie thought about it with an expression of extraordinary seriousness.
“Ooh! How about Rarity? I’ll bet she’s really busy right now so it’s the perfect time to get her!” the pink pony exclaimed with a giggle.
“Heheheh, that’s perfect!”
“ya lets do this shit up ;)”
As the trio of pranksters eagerly dashed off for an afternoon of laughs at the expense of others, Twilight and the Arbiter strolled back to the library, chatting excitedly to one another about their lives. Interestingly enough, the purple pony seemed less intent on learning about Earth as a whole and more interested in the Arbiter’s perspective on life in general.
“It’s hard to explain,” the Arbiter replied, thinking about Twilight’s question. “I think the best word I can use to sum it all up is ‘frustrating’.” Twilight’s head cocked to the side as she listened. “It’s like you know you’re intelligent and aware enough to accomplish almost anything anyone else can in theory but different enough that anything they can do is pretty much impossible for you. That’s reality. Even here, the Chief and I are different enough that we’ll never truly be accepted.”
“So...is that the source of your frustration?” Twilight asked, levitating a scroll and quill out from a saddlebag.
“My frustration is multifaceted. Back where I come from, my body is deteriorating and I don’t know how long I have before I fall apart and essentially die. I must admit that the idea of mortality has become somewhat of an obsession lately.”
“I...see...”
“I apologize; I did not mean to burden you with my problems,” the Arbiter added. “I would much rather assist you with your work. I’m certain that some productivity will do me a lot of good. It certainly beats fighting the Chief for the TV day in and day out.”
“You guys don’t really get along, do you?”
“You noticed, huh?”
“Kind of hard not to.”
“I understand. It seems like the only way we can get along is when we have a common purpose and trust me when I say that doesn’t happen very often.”
“Well, if there’s anything I’ve learned about friendship, it’s that friends don’t always see eye-to-eye,” Twilight explained. “However, I also know that even if they don’t always agree with each other, true friends will always remain true friends.”
“That’s a nice sentiment but I don’t know if it applies to the Chief.”
“Well, he might be an exception...”
Meanwhile...
“Bahahahahahahahahahahaha!”
“Teeheeheeeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee!”
“LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!@11%Eleven”
“Ruuuuuuun!” Rainbow shouted, taking off like a CF-18 as a livid and fresh paint-covered Rarity tore after the troublesome trio as fast as her impeccably-manicured hooves would allow.
“Get back here, you ruffians!” the marshmallow-hued pony shrieked as she gave chase. “When I catch you, I’ll...” Fortunately for the trolls, even when infuriated, a certain blue hedgehog she was not and they were able to make their escape. After seemingly running half a mile across country, they stopped to rest against the fence surrounding Sweet Apple Acres.
“Wow, Chief, I’m impressed!” Rainbow commented after ensuring that he hadn’t been left behind in the clutches of a fast & furious fashionista. “Not too many can keep up with me. I mean, Pinkie Pie can but she’s...well, Pinkie Pie. How did you manage to keep up?”
“MAI ROFLCOPTER. IT GOES SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI” Chief replied proudly, certain that the strange explanation would suffice.
“Hey, whatever works for ya,” Rainbow replied with a shrug. “Hey, who should we prank next?”
“Ooh, pick me, pick me!” Pinkie exclaimed without thinking before settling into an ‘I am now pondering very hard’ mode. “We’ve already pranked almost everypony in town...”
“Why don’t we drop in on Fluttershy?” Rainbow suggested. “I haven’t seen her since she got back from the Dragon Migration.”
“Sure!” Pinkie eagerly agreed. “What do you think, Ch33f?”
Thump.
“Um...are you okay?” Rainbow asked, confusion written on her face as she and Pinkie stared at the unconscious action figure.
“WTF r every won l00king @?” Chief asked after a moment as he slowly sat back up.
“You passed out!” Pinkie replied excitedly as it was the most remarkable event she’d ever witnessed. “And then you woke up!”
“Y TEH FUCK WOOD I PASS OWT THEIR R NOT EVEN ANY B33RS HEER”
“I dunno,” Rainbow answered with a shrug. “We were talking about going to Fluttershy’s place when you...”
Thump.
“...did that.” She face-hoofed and sighed.
“Why does he keep doing that, Dashie?” Pinkie asked.
“No idea, Pinks,” Rainbow replied as she gently poked Chief’s face with a hoof. “Yoo hoo! Wake up, dude!”
“Maybe he’s scared of Fluttershy!” Pinkie Pie suggested.
“That’s crazy! Who would be scared of Fluttershy?”
“Well, she did out-wrestle a bear, beat a Cockatrice in a staring contest, and convinced an angry dragon to abandon his horde and find a new place to live, aaaaand don’t forget the time she...”
“Okay, okay, I get the point!” Rainbow interrupted. “So...what do we do? If he’s just gonna faint every time we say her name, then how the hay are we gonna visit her?” Before Pinkie could answer, the Chief stirred and sat up once more and shook his head.
“WTF r goings on h3r3?”
“We were talking about Flutt...mmph!” Pinkie squealed in surprise as Rainbow quickly shoved a hoof into her mouth.
“We were just talking about going to visit somepony,” Rainbow added hastily. “You down for a snack break between pranks, Chief?”
“HELLS 2 TEH YAH”
“Good enough for me,” Rainbow remarked, flying just ahead of their green bipedal partner-in-crime.
“Psst,” Pinkie Pie hissed quietly enough to go unnoticed by the Chief. “How are we gonna visit you-know-who if he’s scared of her?”
“Don’t worry, Pinks,” Rainbow whispered nonchalantly. “When he sees how sweet and gentle she is, he won’t be afraid of her anymore. It’s the perfect plan!”
“Teeheehee! Oh, Dashie! You always come up with the best ideas!” Pinkie Pie agreed as they made their way to a certain somepony’s cottage.
***
“I must admit, what I glimpsed upon our late arrival last night and rather early morning did not do this place justice,” Arbiter remarked as they arrived back at the library. “I only wish our place was so...” He searched for the right word but they were eluding him. There was something about actually being there that the show alone simply could not replicate. “I’m sorry, I’m afraid I am at a loss for words.”
“It’s okay,” Twilight cheerfully assured him. “You should’ve seen me the first time I ever visited the palace for my magic training. It was so overwhelming that I had trouble remembering my own name.”
“I can imagine,” Arbiter replied. “You sound like you’re quite familiar with the local royalty.”
“Oh yes,” Twilight replied. “I learned from Princess Celestia herself.”
“I thought her name was ‘Trollestia’.” Arbiter mused without thinking. He caught a strange look from the lavender unicorn, accompanied by an eyebrow raise. He mentally kicked himself. Stupid Chief. Of all the times to feed me bullshit. “Forgive me. It seems that my source was incorrect. My apologies.”
“It’s okay,” Twilight assured him, whipping out an unfathomably long checklist. She suddenly gasped. “Oh no! I can’t believe I forgot!”
“What’s the matter?” Arbiter asked as the lavender unicorn frantically searched for some unknown item, clearly of vast importance.
“I forgot about my meeting with Princess Celestia! I’m gonna be...I’m gonna be...” She hesitated as if terrified at what she might have to utter next. “...Tardyyyyyyyyyy!”
“I’m so sorry,” Arbiter replied apologetically. “We must have been quite the distraction.”
“No, no, it’s okay, it’s not your fault,” Twilight assured her the best she could, considering her dilemma. “I think I just overloaded myself again. I...I do that occasionally but I’m working on it!”
“Why don’t you go on ahead and meet her?” Arbiter asked. “I can cover for you here.”
“Are you sure? That wouldn’t be too much to ask, would it?”
“No worries. I used to frequent the college library back home and have spent quite a bit of time perusing Amazon.com so I can assure you that experience is not an issue.”
“What’s ‘Amazon.com’?”
“It’s an online bookstore.” There was a pause as Twilight gave his suggestion some thought.
“How about I close the library while I’m gone? That way, nothing can possibly go wrong and I’ll be able to meet with the Princess with a clear head.” Twilight suggested.
“Sure, whatever works best for you.”
“Great! See you in a few hours!” With a purple streak, she zipped out the door, leaving a bewildered Arbiter in her wake. He shrugged and strolled towards the shelves of books, taking care not to disrupt anything with his substantial height. Several titles caught his eye and before too long, a large stack sat neatly upon a nearby desk, ready for him to dig into at any time.
“Hey!”
Arbiter paused and listened intently. After a few seconds, he shook his head and returned to the shelf.
“Listen!”
There is was again. A small voice, barely audible from the floor caught his attention.
“Down here!” The Arbiter glanced down at the floor, finding nothing.
“Try the desk!” the voice added rather impatiently. The Arbiter complied and made his way to the large stack of books. He studied the desk, finding only the stack and a small, grey, patchwork pony-shaped stuffed toy with buttons for eyes. “Finally!” it said as the Arbiter’s gaze passed over it once again. “I thought you’d never notice! It’s hard to get anyone’s attention when you’re a toy.”
“Believe me, I know the feeling,” Arbiter replied sympathetically, taking a seat beside the small stuffed toy. “I don’t believe we’ve been formerly introduced,”
“Oh right, silly me,” the toy acknowledged sheepishly, nervously scratching the back of its neck. “My name’s Smarty Pants. What’s yours?”
“My name is the Arbiter. It’s nice to meet you.”
“You didn’t seem very surprised to see me,” Smarty Pants commented. “You must meet a lot of talking toys, don’t you?”
“Well, let’s just say that when it comes to my encounters with other toys, the age-old saying ‘quantity over quality’ comes to mind. I haven’t had the best of luck with meeting anyone, plastic and otherwise.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Smarty replied. “I met someone once. Oh, he was wonderful! He had broad shoulders and he was kind and gentle and strong and had the nicest red coat...” Her tone became wistful and subdued as if what should have been a very pleasant memory was instead causing her great pain. She shook her head. “Sorry ‘bout that. My mind kinda wandered there. What’s your story?”
“Honestly, there isn’t much to tell. It’s too bad, really. Perhaps if I wasn’t trapped in a ridiculous body back where I come from, I could’ve accomplished more.”
“At least you’re big and easy to hear,” Smarty replied. “I don’t know why nopony seems to notice me. Even with all the magic in the world around me every day...I dunno. What do you think, Arbiter?”
“I wish I had an answer for you,” Arbiter answered. “I’m not sure I understand this place myself yet. I’m hardly in a position to offer any philosophical or scientific advice.”
“It’s okay,” Smarty assured him. “Hey, since Twilight’s away, how ‘bout a game of Scrabble?”
“You have Scrabble here?”
“Of course! Twilight always has one close-by. She’s even got an emergency pocket edition she keeps tucked away in her mane for emergencies!”
“That’s honestly one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard.”
“You think that’s ridiculous? You should see the edible boots her friend Rarity has! Now that’s ridiculous!” They shared a laugh and the Arbiter could feel the mood finally lifting.
“Here, I got this,” Arbiter said, grabbing the nearby game. “Shall we begin?”
Meanwhile...
“Are we there yet?”
“For the last time, Pinkie, no we’re not! You should know that! I mean, you do know where she lives, doncha?” There was a pause.
“Are we there yet now?” Rainbow gritted her teeth and tried to think pleasant thoughts to offset the constant stream of mind-numbingly annoying questions regarding their whereabouts.
“Pinkie Pie, why are you...” Rainbow turned to scold the pink pony but stopped and did a double-take. “Wait, why are you wearing a blindfold? I thought we agreed that only the Chief needed one!” As if on cue, a loud splash from somewhere behind them caught their attention. “You were supposed to be guiding him!”
“HOLY FUCK TAHT WATERS LIEK A GODDAMN ICEBERG”
“Oopsie daisies,” Pinkie replied sheepishly, shedding the blindfold before helping Chief to his feet. “Sorry about that! Didn’t mean to lead you into Flutt...I mean, our friend’s river!”
“Its k.” Rainbow rolled her eyes as they finally made it all the way to Fluttershy’s front door.
“Okay Pinkie, you can take his blindfold off. I think he’s gonna be okay now.”
“Okie dokie lokie!” With that, the Chief found himself in front of a scenic cottage that would have felt right at home in the drippiest of fairy tales. Before he could react, the door opened, courtesy of a sharp knock from Rainbow Dash, and a shy little pegasus with a pink mane gingerly stepped out to greet them.
“Oh! Hello Rainbow Dash, hello Pinkie Pie, hello...” Thump.
A cold wind graced the unconscious forms of Fluttershy and Master Chief, prompting twin facehoofs from their friends.
“He’s really gone this time, isn’t he?” Pinkie Pie remarked as she studied the oblivious Chief. The rainbow pegasus just sighed.
Several cups of cold water and countless reassurances later...
“...and that’s how Equestria was made!” Pinkie Pie finished excitedly. “I mean...that’s how the Mastur Ch33f and his friend the Ar-whatshisface got here!”
“Um...okay...” the yellow pegasus replied meekly.
“Don’t worry, Flutters, they’re totally cool!” Rainbow assured her. “I mean, I know the Chief is. His friend seems like more of an egghead to me.”
“LOL HES LIEK TEH BIGGEST NERD EVAR. Srsly guise.”
“Um...okay...” Fluttershy gulped as the Chief suddenly dropped to his knees in front of her.
“OMG YOUR 3V3N MOAR HOTTER THAN TEH ONES ON RUL34 OMFG SRSLY YOUR LIEK TEH SECKSIEST THIGN IVE EVEAR SCENE MARRY M33 PLIXY PLOX ADN TEHN WE R GON HAS BILLIONS OF BEHBEHS TOGETHAR ADN IT R GON BE TEH KEWLEST THIGN EVAR WIT NEST BY TEH PEEPLES AND PONIES ALIKE OMFG IT R TEH PURFECT PLAN SO SAI YES K THANX BAI” There was another pause.
Thump.
“FUUUUUUUUUCK.”