//------------------------------// // Chapter 3: The leader of the midget horses // Story: Hank Hill Goes to Equestria: Propane is magic! // by Desert Salad //------------------------------// Chapter 3 -- The Leader Of the Midget Horses Midway through the letter Twilight was interrupted by a loud knocking at the door. She let out a frustrated sigh and said, “Spike go see who it is.” Spike simply rolled his eyes and walked over to the door. When he opened it slightly he was surprised to see Gilda. “Oh, it’s you little dweeb, I was told that Twilight may know where Rainbow Dash is?”, Gilda said. “Ummm....uh...give me second”, Spike said while slowly closing the door. “Twilight, Gilda’s here! What should I do?”, Spike said while flailing his arms around. “Uh...what does she want?”, Twilight said while raising an eyebrow. “She said she was told that’d you know where Rainbow Dash is.”, Spike said. “Tell her that I don’t know where Rainbow is”, Twilight said while returning to her letter. Spike turned around and slowly opened the door, “Twilight doesn't know where Rainbow Dash is. Sorry” “Thats a lie, dweeb, I bet she’s in there and just doesn’t want to see me”, Gilda said as she forcefully pushed her way through Spike and into the library. “What is that? It looks like some weird and stupid monster from the Everfree forest” , Gilda said in shock as she saw Hank for the first time. “Who you calling stupid, midget...err...lion-bird-thing!”, Hank yelled. “Obviously you, stupid. You’re pretty ugly too, dweeb”, Gilda said hoping to piss off Hank. “Shut the hell up or I’ll kick your ass!”, Hank yelled while pointing at here. “Oooooooo, you gonna have to make me shut up, stupid dweb!” Gilda said. “That’s it! I’m kicking your ass!”, Hank yelled while he kicked Gilda in the side wing with his steel toed boot. Gilda went back flying, hitting the wall and causing a couple books to land on her head. She coughed before saying, “That the hardest you can do, dweeb?” Hank walked over to her and kicked her in the plot, much harder than last time causing Gilda to skwak in pain. Hank kicked her again in the plot and this time she groaned loudly. Gilda, whom by now was on the verge of crying in pain, began to run to the door. While she was running to the door, Hank stayed on her plot like Rainbow Dash to Applejack, kicking Gilda the whole time. When Gilda finally managed to get to the door she opened it and was kicked out by Hank. Hank continued to chase, and kick, her all the way out to the street before Gilda finally realised that she can fly, even though it’d cause her pain. Hank nodded in appreciation of his fight with Gilda before noticing a bunch of shocked ponies staring at him. He could’ve sworn he saw a pony with lyre cutie mark being held by a cream colored mare with a dark blue and pink mane. “What the hell are you all looking at?!?!? You’ve never seen a man kick someone’s ass before?!?!?”, Hank yelled loudly as he could before turning to walk back to the library. Twilight and Fluttershy by now were standing in the doorway with complete shock. They had just witnessed Hank kicking Gilda’s ass. Fluttershy, of course, was secretly thinking to herself that this was the funniest thing she had ever seen. When Hank finally got back to the doorway he said, “What? You’ve never kicked someone’s ass, err, flank before?” When he finished speaking he pushed his way past the two mares into the library where he sat down on the staircase, thinking that the way how everyone reacted was just asinine. What, they never kicked some asshole’s ass before? What is this, Canada? Twilight and Fluttershy walked back into the library, making sure to close the door on the way back. “What did you just do?”, Twilight yelled. She was very surprised, she’d never seen someone get their flank’s kicked before. “She was very rude, and she didn’t stop insulting me when I asked her to! So I did what any sensible man would do, I kicked her ass!”, Hank said. “Just because someone is rude, it doesn’t mean you should beat them up!”, Twilight said, realising that the guards could show up and arrest both Twilight and Hank. “Is that how things work here? It’s asinine if you ask me. Some need their asses kicked! It teaches them a lesson; not to be rude to someone after they’ve been asked to stop!” Hank yelled, not understanding that in Equestria everypony is usually supposed to be polite to everypony else. Twilight simply let out a frustrated sigh and went back to writing the letter to Princess Celestia. Spike was trying to hold back from laughing, he thought that Gilda getting her flank kicked was hilarious. Fluttershy, on the other hoof, was silent, and calm. Although in her head she was laughing very, very hard. After a short while Twilight finished the letter, and called Spike over. “Spike, could you please send this letter to Princess Celestia?”, Twilight said while using her midget horse magic to levitate the scroll over to Spike. “Yeah, I got it.”, Spike said while grabbing the letter. After Spike sent the letter a few minutes of an awkward silence everypony (Again, would it be everybody instead since there’s a fuckin’ human in Equestria?) in the room were suddenly teleported to the throne room. There was nopony there except Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. Hank realised where he was and that the two ponies he saw must’ve been the leaders of this strange world. Immediately once Twilight, Fluttershy, and Spike realized they were in the throne room they bowed, except for Hank who was standing just trying to comprehend what had just happened. Princess Celestia looked at Twilight before saying, “Ah Twilight, my faithful student, it’s nice to see you again. Please rise there is no need to bow before me”, she said with a faint smile. Princess Luna glanced over to Hank and noticed that he didn’t bow, “WHY DOES THOU NOT BOW TO THY PRINCESSES?”, Luna yelled with some confusion. Hank looked at her in the eyes before saying, “Because thou only bows to the president of the United States of America!” Hank yelled mimicking Luna’s Royal Equestrian voice. Princess Luna looked at Hank, shocked that he would dare mimic her. “HOW DARE THY MIMIC THY PRINCESS”, she said with some slight agitation. Hank chose to ignore responding to her and changed the subject, “Anyway the purple one was tellin’ me how things work around here. And I think it’s pure asinine, you’re nothing but a no good communist society, hell it’s like this place is ran by a bunch of hippies!” Hank finished. Princess Celestia cocked a brow at this. “And what might hippies be?” She asked in curiosity. Hank looked at her with a shock plastered face, “You’re telling me you don’t know what hippies are?! Why hippies are nothing but peace loving, no clothe wearing, vegetarian, animal rights lovin’ nutjobs!” Hank paused to catch his breath. “Hippies, as you describe them, sound very similar to our society”, Princess Celestia finished. Hank gasped at this. “WHAT? So you’re telling me your empire is made up of nothing but damn communist hippies!?” Princess Celestia sighed at the new word she just learned. “And what, may I ask, is a communist?” Hank looked at her square in the eyes, not sure if she was stupid or just uninformed. “A communist is someone who oppresses the people, controls every SINGLE factor in their lives … and forces them to grow turnips for their weak military, that may I add, that America’s military could kick their ass in a fight”, Hank said with a confident smile. Before Princess Celestia could get a word in, Hank continued, “Also you’re people are rude. When that loud mouthed bird … lion …. thing began calling me names no one stood in to help, so I did what any proud Texan would do, I kicked her ass, and after I taught her a lesson in respecting others, I get blamed! What type of show are you running here? Where’s the police? And capital punishment?”, Hank lashed out. Princess Celestia looked at him, taking slight offense to his rude remarks concerning her citizens. “And who are you to judge? I don’t know how things work in your place of origin, but it seems barbaric, I-” Before Princess Celestia could finish her sister, Princess Luna, interrupted. “I agree with our visitor, whatever happened to the dungeons? Or hanging pegasi by their wing tips for hours on end? It actually seems as though once you banished me the punishments deceased, you’re not going soft on the empire are you Celestia?” Princess Luna questioned. Princess Celestia looked at her sister, not believing that she had joined the side of the rude visitor. “W-well it was difficult maintaining it all after you were banished. Besides, putting hundreds of our followers in the dungeons would of looked bad, that’s when I decided to just abolish it all” Princess Luna looked at her sister before looking back at Hank, she smiled and said, “Well I think it should be reinstated. I personally think that ponies get off WAY too easy nowadays and this has lead them to be disrespectful to the government” Princess Celestia sighed, “Luna, now is not the time for such discussions. We have more important matters at the moment.” “Fine sister, we really should be dealing with the situation at hoof. And now would be good time to ask, Twilight, how do we send this creature back to wherever it came from?” “Well the spell that I used to send him here didn’t work...So I don’t know what to...Oh! I know! Maybe the Elements of Harmony could be used to send Hank back to where he came from. Princess Celestia, could you please teleport the other elements here?” Princess Celestia simply nodded and with a flash the other elements of harmony appeared in the the throne room. Applejack and Rainbow Dash were on top of each other for some reason before quickly getting off of each other and blushing. Pinkie Pie and Rarity were simply surprised that they were no longer at their homes doing whatever it is they were doing.