//------------------------------// // Chapter the Second // Story: Arby 'n' the Chief in "Equestria Ho!" // by metroid_freak //------------------------------// “Chief? Chief? Wake up.” “WTF…” the Master Chief grunted as he slowly sat up. He looked at the Arbiter hovering over him and glanced around at his surroundings. It was…colorful, a far cry from the somewhat Spartan motif of Jon’s apartment. There was something familiar about it, at least to the Chief, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. “were teh fuck is we arbiter?” “I’m not sure, Chief,” his friend replied as he stood up. “I don’t even know how we got here in the first place. The last thing I remember is taking a nap while you watched…” They stopped and looked at each other in disbelief. “OMFG WE IS IN TEH LAND OF TEH MAGIKAL COLORED HORSES!!!ONE!#&%ELEVEN” the Chief cried in a mix of joy and disbelief. “Jesus Christ,” the Arbiter muttered as Chief danced and skipped about like a Speed-addled ten year-old on Christmas morning. “How is this even possible?” “R it not obvious, arbiter?” “No, it most certainly ‘are not’.” “Jon are taked us 2 Chocolate Land and gived us ride in Super Massive Crasher Rollercoaster 100 miles under teh faec of teh Earths.” There was yet another pause as the Arbiter face-palmed. “First of all, Chief, it’s called a ‘supercollider’ or ‘particle accelerator’. Secondly, it’s called ‘Switzerland’, not ‘Chocolate Land’ and thirdly, it’s only 100 metres underground, not 100 miles. Finally, the Large Hadron Collider smashes particles together at high speeds for physics experiments. It most assuredly does not open inter-dimensional portals, especially to fictional universes, besides the fact that I highly doubt CERN would ever waste billions of Euros sending two action figures through a wormhole.” “but I thot it could maek liek black holes adn kewl shitt liek taht.” “Well yes, but far too small to exist for any measureable amount of time.” “ : ( ” “Never mind that. For now, we’ve got to figure out how we got here and how to get home. I don’t know about you but I’d rather not spend the rest of my days surrounded by supposed ‘magic’ and talking cartoon quadrupeds.” “w8 arbiter,” the Chief called. The Arbiter stopped mid-stride and looked at him. “Yes, Chief?” “I dun wan go back.” “Excuse me?” “I wun stay heer w/ all teh ponies.” “You’re being completely ridiculous. We don’t even know if this is where you think we are and if you think I’m going to rot away in that apartment alone for the rest of eternity, you’re out of your so-called mind.” “can we stay 4 a wile tehn?” The arbiter sighed and seeing the look of pseudo-desperation on his friend’s visor, relented. “Fine, Chief; I suppose a little while can’t hurt. You’re the expert here so lead the way.” It felt a bit unnerving to the Arbiter; not only were they in a world about which he knew very little, he now had to rely on the Chief to get them anywhere. He shuddered at the thought as they traversed the grassy field and its gentle hills towards he could only guess where. As they walked, a very excited Chief wasted no time providing the Arbiter with every piece of information he possessed about Equestria and its inhabitants. It wasn’t until the sun had almost completely set that Chief finally ran out of facts and for a time, allowed the walk to continue in relative peace until he felt a burning question in the back of his mind. “arbiter.” “Yes, Chief?” “y does thoes peeples h8 MLP? Y does tehy not liek me?” “It’s hard to say for sure, Chief. Maybe they are simply too caught up in society’s perception of what men are supposed to enjoy and machismo in general to give something that doesn’t live up to every single one of their ‘rules’ a fair chance. They do not understand what the appeal is and as a result feel like they need to reinforce their own perceived masculinity by needlessly insinuating that any male fan of the franchise is a homosexual, effeminate, or some kind of deviant even though that is clearly not the case 99% of the time.” “Taht wuz quite teh mouthful but @ leest your used 2 taht kind of thing lolololol” “Were you even paying attention? I was trying to explain why those guys were being such complete fuckwits.” “THERE JUST FUCKING RETARDED” “I won’t disagree with you but I think it’s safe to say that if everyone was just a little more tolerant of what other people enjoyed, to a certain extent of course, the world would be a much less cruel place. Don’t you agree, Chief?” As if deep in what he considered to be ‘thought’, the Chief simply continued on silently. “R u thinks it all gon b k, arbiter?” The Arbiter gently rested his hand on the Chief’s shoulder. “I’m sure it will, Chief. We should hurry, though. Even though I’m at least somewhat tempted to agree with you regarding our current location, I still feel like the night is not the best time for two six-inch tall actions figures to be wandering about the wilderness.” “Tehn it r gud thing we is not in wilder ness any more,” the Chief replied, gesturing to a small settlement just over the hill on which they stood. “Mind telling me where we are, Chief?” “GOD DAMNIT ARBITER U SED U WAS WATCHING TEH EPISODE W/ME NOT JACKING OFF OR WHATEVAR TEH FUCK U WERE DOING” “Well excuse me for not being quite as into it as you,” the Arbiter replied indignantly. “Just cut the bullshit and tell me where we are. I’m exhausted after all that fucking walking.” “ITS PONYVILLE, RETARD” “Right. How could I forget?” “WELL STOP DRINKING ALL TEH GODAMN BOOZE YOU ALCOHOLIC MOTHER FUCKER ADN TEHN MEHBEH U R AKSHULLY REMEMBER SHIT SOMETIMEZ.” “You’re one to...forget it. I’m too tired to trade insults with you, not that it wouldn’t easily be the least-challenging endeavor at which I’ve ever thoroughly spanked you. Where do we go from here, Chief?” There was another pause as the Chief thought about it. “Wii r gon goes 2 tree plaec w/all teh books.” “You mean the ‘library’?” “NOOOOO!!!1!!!1!!!” “That’s what a library is, Chief.” “WTF TWILIGHT SPARKLE I THOTS U WERE KOOL” “There’s nothing ‘uncool’ about libraries, Chief.” the Arbiter rebuked as they made their way towards Ponyville. “You should visit them more often. In fact, I think you should take a page from your purple friend and just live in one. Perhaps through some miracle, you will actually learn something via osmosis by virtue of your proximity to written knowledge.” “YA ADN I THINKS U SHUD GO FUCK A DUCK MOAR OFTENS” “Even if only to increase your offensive repertoire. Your insults have been a little stale as of late.” “UR MOMS A LITTLE STALE ADN R GON B LATE” “The defense rests, your honor.” “so does ur face” Considering their small statures and two-inch stride, they reached the tree-library in fairly decent time. Fortunately for them, the warm night meant that the windows were open, a subject of some debate between the Arbiter and his eager companion. “We can’t just break into someone’s house, Chief.” “IT R NOT BRAKING IN IF TEH WINDOWS IS ALREDDY OPIN, DUMBASS. BESIDES, IT R A FUCKING TREE, NOT A HOWSE, ARBITER. LERN 2 TELLS TEH DIFRINCE” “I still think we should just wait outside somewhere in a safe hiding place until morning.” “I THINK U SHUD SMOEK MY P0LE” He waited for the Arbiter to do something besides watch his clumsy attempt to climb to the open window. “R U JUST GON STAND THEIR ALL GODDAM DAY OR R U GUNA HELP ME GET UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER?” The Arbiter sighed; as much as he hated to admit it, the Chief was right. They needed a safe place to sleep and the last thing anyone wanted was another ‘L.A adventure’. “Fine. But when we get in there, you are to be on your best behavior. Don’t fuck around with anything. We don’t know how ‘magic’ works and I don’t need you blowing up the Goddamn universe because you were too fucking stupid to leave the magic wand or whatever alone. Do you understand me?” he demanded, hesitating just shy of helping the Chief reach their destination. “YA YA W/EVAR NAO HURRY TEH FUCK UP AND GIVED ME A GODDAM BOOST ALREDDY” “Once you’re in there, find something for me to climb up and lower it to me.” “NO SHIT” “Okay. Here...we...go!” With that, the Arbiter pushed up with all his might, sending the Chief tumbling through the window and onto the wooden floor of the library. The Chief got up, dusted himself off, and began to explore the library’s main floor. “Well?” He ignored the muffled yet impatient voice of the waiting Arbiter. “Did you find anything we can use as a rope or ladder or something?” “STFU I r looking 4 sum fucking tape k?” the Chief replied as he scaled Twilight’s stationary desk. He began a thorough search, rifling through heaps of parchment, quills, and around bottles of ink. “What the Hell do you need tape for, Chief?” “WELL HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED 2 OPENS TEH FUCKING DOOR ASSHOLE?” “I thought I told you to find some rope!” “I gots a bettar ideas” the Chief called as finally located the tape and began to make small loops with it. “I swear Chief, if you start singing that damn song, I’ll...” The Arbiter cringed as he heard a faint whump from the other side of the door. “Fucking Hell.” “SPIDER CHEEF, SPIDER CHEEF DOES WATEVER CUZ ARBY’S A QUEEF” “You’re the one whose name rhymes with ‘queef’, you stupid idiot.” “STFU. R U WANTING 1337 FUCKING RESCUE OR NOT DICKWAD?” “Just open the door already!” the Arbiter demanded. There was a click as the door slowly opened, revealing a smug Master Chief peeking around the edge. “UR WELCUM U UNGR8FUL ASSHOLE” “I’m not going to thank you for taking a Goddamn century to open a door, especially after I gave you specific instructions.” the Arbiter replied curtly, entering the library. He stopped and stared around at the seemingly mile-high shelves of books that filled the room. “well WTF does we do nao?” Chief asked. “I don’t know about you,” Arbiter replied as he spied a comfortable-looking scroll on the stationary desk. “But I’m getting some sleep and you should as well. We’ve had quite the day.” “yah, lol” Chief agreed, following his friend up the desk. “I just hope that our sudden and rather inexplicable presence will not alarm our host when she awakens and finds us on her desk wrapped up like polypropylene burritos.” Arbiter commented as he covered himself up with a piece of parchment. “dun worry Arbiter” the Chief replied as he did the same. “its all g0n b k” “I hope so, Chief.”