A lovely cloudy and rainy day graced the coastal metropolis of Vancouver, Canada. The birds sung, gridlocked traffic honked, profanities flew about like nasty little spike-covered butterflies, and somewhere in the distance, the loud horn of a container ship sounded as it approached the docks. From a small apartment window among the other noises of the fog-shrouded city, two friends carried on in their usual friendly banter.
“STFU AND GTFO IT R MAI TURN U GI-NORMOUS CUMGUZZLER”
“Give me that fucking controller, asshole.”
“U CAN PLEH TAHT PEACE OF SHIT 3 IN HELL COCKMONGLER IT R TIEM 4 REACH”
“You played that for like, 15 Goddamn hours last night. It’s my turn to use the TV.”
“IT WOOD B K IF UR GON PLEH SEXBOX NOT TAHT TOOL OF FUCKING SATAN U EGGS BENEDICK”
“Wow. Nice one, Noah Webster.”
“WTF IS U TALKING ABOUT GREG R NOT EEVEN HEER, CHODE SMOKER”
“Never mind. Let go of that controller right now or I swear I will beat you to a pulp and mail you to Abu Dhabi.”
“LOL YA RITE ARBITER U CANT TOUCH THIS U PANSY ASS BITCH” the green action figure replied, giving his compatriot both middle fingers as best as his primitive plastic body would allow.
“You know I can, Chief.”
“LOL AND U LEIK IT U FUCKING FAGGOT”
“That’s not what I meant. Now drop that controller or I’ll take it from you. Five…”
“ROFL FUCK U”
“Four…”
“U CANT DO SHIT LOOK AT THESE GUNS I’LL TAKE UR FUCKING HED OFF” the Chief exclaimed, flexing his ‘biceps’.
“Three…”
“HAY LOOK I’M TEH ARBITER I HAZ LOTS ADN LOTS OF WERDS BUT I HAZ EVEN MOAR DICKS UP MY ASS LOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOL!!!ONE%#!ELEVEN”
“Two…”
“OMFG U R SUCH A FUCKING INFANT U WANT A BOTTLE DIAPER BABY?”
“One…”
“GOD DAMMIT” With that, he tossed the PS3 controller to the floor and stalked away to the kitchen.
“Who’s a pansy-ass bitch?” the Arbiter called with an air of satisfaction in his monotone voice.
“GO FUCK YOUR SELF U SMELLY CUNT”
“Language, Chief.”
“FUCK U” The Arbiter sighed and dragged the controller back to his spot on the couch. He wasn’t far into the game when he heard a crash followed by an emphatic “Damnit” emanate from the kitchen. He paused the game and looked over his shoulder.
“Chief? What was that?”
“GO 2 HELL”
“Chief, what have I told you about Jon’s liquor? I happen to know he’s saving that expensive stuff for a very important meeting with some of the guys from Machinima so leave it the fuck alone.”
“LOL YA RIGHT ARBITER TEHY IS PROBLY JUST GUN JACK EACH OTHER OFF OR SUM GAY ASS SHIT LIEK TAHT SO JON CAN KEEP MAKING SHITTY MOVEES”
“First of all, that’s completely ridiculous,” the Arbiter replied, putting the controller down. “Secondly, Jon doesn’t need to perform sexual favors in order for his work to be recognized, subsequently appreciated, and rightfully acclaimed. Thirdly, you drink enough as it is. You’re already a fucking alcohol-dependent piece of shit that can’t go one day without drinking himself into a stupor and I promise you that if you puke in the hallway one more time, I will personally shove it up your ass with the turkey baster.” There was a pause as the Chief (presumably) considered the Arbiter’s ultimatum.
“LOL U LUV SHUVING THINGS IN GUYS ASSES FAGGOT LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!ONE*&@ELEVEN”
“Whatever. Just don’t touch the Scotch and try to lose your lunch in the toilet where it and your pathetic excuse for a brain belong.”
“FINE. BITCH” The Arbiter sighed again and resumed his game but it wasn’t long before the silence began to arouse his suspicion.
“Chief? Where are you?”
“YOUR MOMS TIGHT PU$$Y WEAR TEH FUCK ELSE WOOD I B?”
“Right, your late-afternoon romp with my non-existent mother; I should’ve known.” the Arbiter drawled as his on-screen character died just in time for the Chief to emerge from his perch atop the couch clutching a bottle of beer. “Fuck.”
“LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL u suck even harder tahn ur mom adn I r not even think that r humanely possible.” He jumped down, taking the bottle with him. “u just need moar b33r.” As if suddenly remembering for whom he’d trekked to the kitchen and risked life and limb, he held the beer away from his companion. “but this 1 r mine. CANT HAZ”
“It’s too early for that, Chief,” the Arbiter replied, shutting the PS3 off. “Personally, I would rather not wake up with another hangover. I swear you could shoot me in the fucking foot and it would feel better.”
“does this meen I r can haz sexbox nao?” the Chief asked. “can I haz it? Can I haz it Arbiter? PLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ WITH UR CHERRY ON TOP LOL”
“It’s all yours,” Arbiter answered as Chief sent the PS3 controller to the floor with a swift kick. “Just so you know, I need to use the internet for a while so you might lag a little.” In a blur of incomprehensively rapid movement, the Arbiter found himself backed up against the couch with a serious-faced Chief staring him down.
“IF U MAEK ME LAG I WILL KICK UR ASS SO FUCKING HARD JESUS WILL B LIEK WTF WAS THAT. DOES U HERD ME ARBITER? >:(”
“Whatever, Chief,” Arbiter replied nonchalantly, pushing past his roommate. “Try not to make too many innocent children jump off bridges today, okay?”
“sumtime teh truths can b vary painful, arbiter.”
“Yeah, right.” As the Arbiter browsed his usual domains, an occasional “Fuck” or “Goddamnit stop hacking you piece of shit asshole” reached him which were for the most part, ignored. “Oh shit,” Arbiter muttered as he absentmindedly selected the Chief’s browser history. He immediately held an arm over his eyes in concern over what he might inadvertently glimpse. The age-old axiom ‘what has been seen cannot be unseen’ certainly rang true when dealing with the Chief’s affairs, especially where Internet usage was concerned. Feeling brave, the Arbiter lowered his arm and quickly scanned the list. Although the grand majority were porn, torrents, and porn torrents, there was something missing, something that had been present on the Chief’s list of bookmarks for the past 11 weeks.
“Chief?” Arbiter called as his compatriot in green died for the umpteenth time. “Chief?”
“OMG WTF DOES U WANT?”
“Where’s Equestria Daily?”
“WTF is u talking about butt muncher?”
“You know what I mean. You’ve had Equestria Daily, MLPchan, FiMfiction, Everfree Radio, and Rule34 saved here for the last three months.” He paused and went over the list again. “Oh, silly me. There’s Rule34. I was beginning to worry. Besides, I thought you liked My Little Pony, Chief.”
“fuck taht that shows 4 little gurls & fat neckbeards who <3 little girls.”
“That’s not what you were telling me for the last 11 weeks, Chief. What happened?”
“OMG ARBITER DOES I HAZ TO FILL OUT A FUCKING ENVIRONMENT IMPACT FORM WEN I UZE TEH FUCKING INTERNETS?”
“Overcompensation, thy name is Chief.” There was another pause, prompting Arbiter to glance down at his reluctant friend. He was surprised to see the Chief sitting still, seemingly unconcerned with the multiple deaths inflicted upon his prone Spartan.
“Sniff :’(” With yet another sigh, the Arbiter got up and made his way over to the couch and placed a comforting hand on the Chief’s shoulders.
“Come on now, Chief, out with it. What’s wrong?” The Chief looked up at him.
“promise u wont lol?”
“Promise.”
“Pinkie promise?”
“…Sure.” There was a pause as the Chief tried to compose himself.
“they hurted mai feelings, arbiter.”
“Who did, Chief?”
“TEH PEEPLES ON TEH INTERNETS. THEY SED MLP SUX HARD DICK AND CALLED ME A FAGGOT. CAN U BELEVES THAT, ARBITER? IT WUZ FUCKING HORSESHIT” As much as he tried to suppress it, a loud laugh escaped from the Arbiter, making the Chief glare at him.
“THATS IT WERE R MY FUCKING CUPCAKE?”
“Whoa, easy there, Chief. I’m sorry I laughed. It’s just that I wasn’t expecting that to be the reason.”
“it dun matter arbiter I r still >:(”
“I can imagine, Chief.”
“anyway it also r maed me very :’( so I sweared I r never gon watched it evar again.”
“Maybe they just didn’t appreciate the way you graphically shipped their beloved Master Chief with every single female character from the show in every single fanfic you ever wrote and posted them on every single forum and fiction site you could find.”
“but they is works of art, arbiter. Teh peoples need 2 b sawing tehm.”
“‘Sawing’ them might not be a bad idea. Be that as it may, I don’t see a few online assholes as reason enough to stop taking part in something that you genuinely enjoy, especially when it was actually doing you some good, your ‘adventures’ on Rule34 notwithstanding.”
“may be tyeh is rite, arbiter.” The Chief hung his head. “I r grown up. I is a mans. it are tiems 2 start acting liek 1.”
“Since when do you listen to the opinions of anyone, especially some random jack-off on the fucking internet?” Arbiter demanded. “I don’t care what they said to you; as much as the appeal of My Little Pony eludes me, I can’t deny that it was a positive influence on you and that’s good enough for me.”
“sniff”
“Look, maybe you just need something to remind you of why you liked that show in the first place, perhaps something to rekindle that loving and tolerating spirit I have come to expect from the Brony community.”
“FUCK TAHT I NEEDS 2 KICK SUM HATER ASS”
“Hold your horses, Chief. I think we should at least try my plan first.”
“kay wat r ur plan arbiter?” the Chief asked, wiping a tear from his eye.
“Here,” Arbiter replied, handing him a DVD. “Maybe this will put things in perspective for you or at least make you feel better about where you stand.”
“WTF IS THIS?”
“Jon just got it yesterday. I think someone lent it to him but I don’t want to assume anything.”
“Bronies: The Extremely Unexpected Adult Fans of My Little Pony. R U SRS ARBITER?”
“Yes, Chief. Give it a try. I read a review a while back and decided to give it a shot. I think you might be pleasantly surprised. I certainly was.”
“adn u think this r gon help me?”
“There’s no doubt in my mind, Chief.” There was a pause as the Chief thought about it.
“kay I r gon watch it nao, gtfo.”
“Fine. I’m going to take a nap. All that Darksiders really took it out of me today.”
“ur mom really taked it out of me last nite.”
“Good night, Chief.” With that, the Arbiter retreated to his usual spot on the bed and soon fell asleep, leaving the Chief alone with his thoughts. With a shrug, he slipped over to the 360, gingerly extracted the Reach disc, and replaced it with the DVD. He sat up against the couch and a couple of button presses later, the show began.