Previously on Defiance...
Wait, that's not right! That's an entirely different story! One sec....
...Previously on Shade, the Starcunning man...
So yea, I'm recapping some shit! Somehow, I managed to avoid getting my rump cropped. But only because I accidentally teleported into a lilac scented hot-tub of one particular libertine. Then, after being offered to be the 'Stallion' in the relationship, I rifted back to Hoofy with a grim expression and a desire to drink myself to oblivion. After we found the 'Sticky Stable', we downed several beverages of an alcoholic nature and I learned some stuff about her. Time eventually caught up with us, so we left the bar (Praise be to the alcohol gods for their bounty) and then I ended up singing in the middle of Canterlot.
Like the fella once said: Ain't that a kick in the head! So, after drinking some more of this awful ponybooze, I'm apparently belting out the lyrics to one of my favorite songs to the night while doing a horrible one-two-half walk/half dance step.
'Like the sailor said, quote: Ain't that a hole in the boat!' Through the haze of alcohol, I figured I was the reincarnation of Frank Sinatra! I'm probably sounding more like a reject from American Idol or, worse, 'Britain's got talent!' Seriously, that stage needed to be purged with fire.
'If this is just the be-ginning, my life is gunna be... B-E-A-UITIFUL!" Wait, why the hell am I singing this song again? Oh who the fuck cares! Drunk Shade Singing demands moar!
'Tell me quick... Oh ain't love a kick...' Hold on. That accompaniment, that I thought was just merely my own mental background track, doesn't sound like it's in my head anymore!
'Tell me quick, ain't love a kick....' My voice loses traction in my maw as I turn around. Behind us is around 50 ponies, some wearing song-specific instruments, some wearing outfits and some just humming along to the tune. They're all looking expectantly at me as the song crescendos and I sputter out the final line.
'In the head(?)'
I'm met with an outpouring of applause and cheers. As I stare dumbfounded, two ponies come up to congratulate me on my 'stellar performance', the pink-ish mare flutters her eyelashes at me while the stallion just says 'Jolly good show' and departs after I gently nod in thanks. On my side, Hoofbeat gets a single mare who comes up to her and then congratulates her on finding 'a great special somepony'. As the crowd disperses, I look over at Hoofy with a bewildered expression on my face. She notices it and chuckles.
"You started singing in Canterlot, Shade, What did you expect?" She finally said.
"But that's a human song, Hoofy, how the hell did they know the tune to it?!"
"...Because it came out a year ago and was really popular? The only difference is that it was called 'Ain't that a buck to the head'."
"'Ain't that a buck to the head'?"
"Yes?"
"I hate this world."
She just laughs.
Eventually, after the musical event that I almost immediately threw into the mental bin of: 'Just don't bother questioning this shit, it's another world and it just likes mucking with you!'. I decided to keep my damn mouth shut and waited until we finally reached the castle. Then, still keeping silent, eventually my room. As I go to open the door, Hoofy looks at me and giggles in a very childish way.
"Well," I finally say to break the moment, "I guess, err, goodnight 'special somepony(?)'"
Honestly, when she looked at me confused, I was too. It was only when she started laughing, no more like a giggle, that I kinda felt like I'd done some pony-faux-pa. But thanks to the magic that was being drunk, I was still running buzzed.exe and the fact that the definition of 'special somepony' was unknown didn't really bother me. She left a moment later but I was, briefly, still stuck in my own little ethanol-enhanced trance and didn't even register her departure but I was aware enough to know that I stank (And was three steps away from an AA meeting).
As I stumbled towards the bathroom, shedding my clothing that was a cocktail of sweat, lilac soap and alcohol (which was probably something Elton John would be drinking while wearing those funky glasses of his). I decided to take a well-deserved bath and hopefully the water and the alcohol would clean me from today's misadventures.
After giving my maw a good ol'e brushing with the minty toothpaste, I slipped into the warmth of the water in that ceramic pool. As the loveliness of that cleansing water wrapped around me, I felt my drunkenness lessening as I began the process of rub-a-dub-dubbing my meatbag body. After what could have been five minutes... Or fifty, I eventually left that, significantly cooler, bath and after drying myself off dressed myself in some of Golden Thread's clothes and left the bathroom.
Apparently, it was more fifty than five minutes and it is now rapidly approaching night time which means Luna will no doubt be approaching this guestroom soon. But I'm kinda looking forward to her arrival.... Well, only because I want to show off my flashy riftjumping abilities AND ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE! Hmm. On one side, I'd rather not push my luck regarding her 'desires' for me, but on the other hand I'm starting to smell a rat. So she's gone from lovestruck teen, to slightly more mature woman-err-pony-thing, to finally ignoring me? Yea, I think I either need to go nip this in the bud right now or find away to escape this place. This place that has her as one of the co-rulers. Who is basically a demi-god..... So, nipping some buds then!
As I finish that thought, there is a quiet knock on the door and I go to answer it. Behind said door is a unicorn with a small mustache, a very french haircut and has the garb and posture of a waiter. He immediately looks somewhat surprised at my form, before immediately reverting to a obviously practiced neutral-but-snooty expression that I've come to expect of upper-crust butlers.
"Ambassador Shade?" Celestia is just mocking my idiocy, I swear. "Would you care for something to eat?"
"Strange, I thought I was having dinner with Luna?" He frowns very slightly before correcting his expression.
"I was simply told to inquire as to what you would like. I have no idea if you're joining the night Princess for a meal."
"She probably just forgot to tell you. Can you take me to her?" His facade drops slightly and he looks very reluctant and alittle scared. Not really surprising considering I'm bigger than he is and I'm an alien. Ugh. "If you want, you could ask a guard to escort me."
He nods quickly and departs at a rapid clip. Sighing, I close the door and grab a seat on one of those big cushions that sit next to a small table. I mean Christ, I'm not that terrifying, am I? It's not like I'm covered in spikes and scales and shit. Ah well, guess I'll just have to smile more. Atleast with a guard around they are alot calmer.
Pondering for a moment longer, I hear another knock upon my door and answer it. Holy shit, it's the goddamn batpony! Heavy dark blue armor, yellow eyes with a slit for a pupil and a pair of goddamn leathery wings on this, very obviously, male guard. The only other thing worth mention was that he was much larger than that waiter-pony. We stare at each other for a moment before he speaks. And no, he doesn't start asking me where 'Ponvy Dent' is.
"Ambassador Shade, I'm here to accompany you to Princess Luna's quarters. Please follow me."
Without waiting for my reply, he turns and begins marching off down the corridor. Quickly shutting my door, I race off after him and we walk. After a couple of tense minutes of silence, I figure I should probably make some small talk since this journey is obviously going to take awhile. Hell, it's not a holiday village, it's a goddamn castle! Of course it's going to take time to get to the other side!
"So, if you don't mind me asking, what kind of pony are you?" He snorts quietly in obvious annoyance.
"Pegasus." Well, he's obviously not a happy bunny.
"But your eyes and wings are diff.."
"Illusionary enchantment in the armor."
"Oh, but why are there two different sets of guards? I mean surely..." He interrupts again.
"Look 'Ambassador', I was one of those guards you chucked around with magic and then nearly got burned. I don't trust you with our Princess, but she's said you're to be treated nicely and so how about we just walk to her quarters in silence, ok?" Oops.
"Alright, but first I'd just like to say I'm sorry for that. I was in a panic." And with that, he immediately stops and turns to look at me.
"A panic? You blasted a 200 foot high pillar of tartarus-damned fire near our beloved princess because you were in a panic?!"
"Erm, yes?"
Judging by the look now spreading across that batpony's face, I can tell I've just made a fuck up of titanic proportions. He looks at me with rage in his eyes and literally snorts steam. I feel a tiny touch of fear as he slams his hoof down, but really he's not magical so I'm not totally afraid. As he continues to glare at me, I find my right hand automatically reaching for my amulet. If this goes south, he's going to get punted.
"You're telling me that you can summon that by accident? There is no way on this moonkissed earth that I am letting you anywhere near the princess!"
"Not anymore I can't! I didn't even want to do that! Besides, your Princess ensured that all of my offensive spells were destroyed!"
"And why should I believe you?"
"Well, A: Because you could just ask her when we get there and B: Because it damn well nearly killed me." Hah! He looks less sure of himself now!
"Killed you?"
"As it turns out, channeling hideous amounts of energy into an injured mind is a bad thing. I was in a coma for a week afterwards."
"Oh."
"And my control problems? Luna assigned the Royal Guard Instructor mare to help me and also gave me this enhanced amulet." I shake it with my right hand. "Keeps my magic under control." His glare has softened, it seems that the idea of his perfect little princess nearly killing someone has broken his rage.
"Well." He finally said. "Well, I didn't know you had a RGI assigned to you." He finally finished.
"It's a mare called Hoofbeat." I said, filling the silence as he looked at me with two parts disbelief and one part confusion.
"RGI Hoofbeat?" He whispered.
"Yes?" He rubbed the back of his helmet with his hoof.
"She assigned you Hoofbeat?"
"...Yes. Hoofbeat. Is that supposed to be significant?"
"Err. No. Just surprised." And as he starts off again, I only just manage to catch him whispering under his breath: "You unlucky bastard."
Soon, we finally reach the steps to the moon goddess' quarters. Now, I am not a fit gentlemen! Hell, after eating magically cooked bacon and basically drinking myself into a stupor, I'd consider myself lucky if I could do fifty steps. But, of course, Luna's quarters are mounted on a tower. So, after silently cursing all the gods I could think of, I began my horrible journey to the top.
There are significantly more than fifty steps. I lost count after about the 90th one when it felt like my heart was going to explode out of my chest, followed closely by my lungs and spleen. The guard, who's name I now know is 'Nightwing', is trying very obviously not to laugh at my absolutely abysmal fitness level. The bastard.
Not soon enough, we arrive at the Princess' quarters and my newest buddy turns around to the sound of me weezing like I'm a heavy smoker. He eventually gives the door a gentle knock before requesting entry. Luna bellows her agreement and he goes in. What follows is a quiet but obviously serious conversation behind closed doors, I'm almost worried by the length of time it's taking them. Then, strangely, I see a flash of white out the corner of my eye but before I can turn to see what it was the door opens.
"Princess Luna will see you now, Ambassador Shade." Nightwing announces in an official sounding voice before opening the door wider while he tries to make himself small against the door.
So Luna's quarters are large, and by that I mean: 'Holy shit, this place is massive!' It'd take me a good five minutes to walk from the entrance to the other wall! The moon demigod is apparently wrapped up in a scroll, so I have a moment to really look at the room. It's got a fireplace, a huge desk that she's currently sitting infront of and this huge cloud that is just hovering above the floor. As I stare at it, she looks at me with amusement but I interrupt her.
"Is that.... Is that a cloud?" I point feebly and she giggles.
"That's where I sleep, Shade."
A bed. A bed made of clouds. Somehow, in my brain-locked state, I forget the normal social contract of not walking into people's bedrooms and go over to it. It's a fucking cloud! It's a bed made of fucking clouds! Honestly, the mental bin marked: 'It's magically lala land, just deal with it' is going to need to be emptied so I can fit all of this craziness into it! Finding myself not more than a foot away from it, I look over at Luna who's expression is half-amused and half-concerned.
"May I?" I gestured at it with my index finger, she giggles slightly.
"Of course, but you should know..."
But of course, I'd stopped listening at this point as I threw myself atop that magical wonderbed without a care in the world. I just manage to see Luna's surprised expression as I fell onto, then through said wonderbed and cracked my back on the stone floor beneath it. Yes, a reasonable person would have actually checked the bloody thing before trying that feat but I was still abit tipsy from the drinking and also I thought it would work ok?! After letting out a groan, I heard the sound of hooves approaching before I popped my head up out of the mist.
"Your bed is stupid." Was the best thing I could come up with to say. Her look of concern abaits somewhat when she see's I'm alright as she offers me a hoof so I can get up, it's only when I'm standing upright that I can see she's braced herself on the bed itself with her other hoof.
"Only pegasus ponies can walk, or sleep, on clouds." She informed me, but I was more transfixed on her other hoof. Again, forgetting myself, I gently reached over to that hoof and wrapped my fingers around it. Even more gently, I pushed down on it and found the surface of the cloud to have a similar texture to a soft downy mattress. It's at this point I remember I'm basically doing what would be the equal of holding hands and quickly let go.
"Err, sorry." I laughed somewhat awkwardly. "Had to feel for myself." Err, captain you might wish to amend your previous statement, she's starting to blush... "I mean, I had to feel the cloud. The bed cloud. Myself." Oh sweet Jesus, I'm an idiot.
"I see." Oh man, now she's got that coy little smile. "Well, I did have some work but I suppose a break would do me some good." She says as I'm extracting myself from that wicked little trap. "Tell me, Shade, have you seen the lake at night?"
"The firestorm lake?" She titters.
"The official title is the Royal Canterlot lake, but I suppose we could always rename it."
"Err, no actually I haven't. Well, not for any great length of time if my previous visit was any indication."
"Then we could go for a walk! Come!" Oh come on, I only just about managed to get up those sodding steps and now we're going for a walk! But before I can voice those complains, her horn glows bright and I feel the familiar sensation of T-space around me. Stairs: 1, Shade: 1!