My name is Jonah J. Joseph.
Wonderful way to start this off, is it not? You, the ignorant readers finally getting your first glimpse at my elegance. The written word does not have photos of course, so how about a short description of myself?
Only the deepest and most royal cerulean adorn my coat. Golden locks upon my head and my tail? Straight, groomed and proper as it should be for anypony that takes care of themselves. If you took a look at my flanks (and I know some of you ladies are already thinking of them.) you would find that my cutie mark shows the image of a dove. Symbol of perfection.
I know some of you lovely mares out there are already feeling yourselves getting moist but please. Control yourselves.
Now you might be wondering, why would I, someone who clearly has more class than some of you could ever imagine, would stoop as low as to write things down like the average commoner? It’s why I have hoofmaidens, after all.
This is my personal journal. It doesn't contain any dates and only contains the barest of location descriptions because I do not want anyone to be able to discern where and when I write this. (Considering where I'm going, this is probably all the better. But I digress.)
The journal is to detail all of the events that will transpire when I take a visit to that backwater town, Ponyville. Ponyville. The very name sounds unruly and uncivilized. I gag thinking of it.
Ponyville... An unsuspecting pimple in our fair country. A hick-town not aware that it’s a hick-town. I have yet to see many unicorns and the pegasi are few and far between. It appears that my worst fears have been realized.
This town appears to be mostly populated by... Earth Ponies.
Scum. Pure scum. I read of the olden days. When unicorns ruled at the top of the hierarchy. Pegasi, knowing their place, served only as plebeians. Some even managed, through 10% skill and 90% luck, to gain a spot in the higher functions of society.
The earth ponies only served as slaves. Jesters. Fools. Those to be mocked and serve as entertainment to those of much higher standing. The unicorns, watching over them, fixing their rampant mistakes. Like it should be now.
You may be thinking that his rude and terrible. Some of you may even be earth ponies yourselves. (Which I hope not. Society should be better than to allow the earth-ponies to read, much less literature of my elegance. They would probably look at it in confusion and proceed to WIPE THEIR PLOTS WITH IT. Grr...) Well, I have proof.
Look at Canterlot. Notice how 95% of the citizens are unicorns and the rest are pegasi. Why is this? Simply, put, Canterlot is and old and regal city. Only the most elite of the elite live there.
Why would they taint themselves with earth ponies in their midst?
And secondly, look at our princesses. Wings of a pegasus. Horn of a unicorn. But... can you detect any earth in them? Nay. You can’t. Because why would ones as special and important as the princesses be fraternizing with them...?
Yes, Unicorns should be the best and are, in fact, the best. Leading, of course to my greatest shame.
One look and you’d notice. I wish I was a unicorn but instead, I remain a pegasus.
Yes, but a simple pegasus! I have brought shame upon my house. A DEFECT. These infernal wings at my side, sometimes I wish I could just CHOP them off. At least fate wasn’t most cruel and born me an earth pony. Then I would have to commit suicide, like all members of that race should. I assure you, however, that I have unicorn blood in my veins.
My only hope is to have a unicorn son. Then the bloodline would be restored and I would at least serve as a footnote in my family’s lineage. Which, of course, neatly leads to the last thing I will mention today.
The only, might I repeat, ONLY reason that I would visit this cesspool of vulgarity is because this is apparently the residence of the Elements of Harmony.
Saviors of the world at least three times over. Representing the ingredients to a perfect relationship to your fellow unicorn. (The others don’t deserve it.) The six unicorns would help me in my conquest. I am positive that they are all unicorns, of course.
Pegasi would never be able to work together as a team and are unsuited to embody anything resembling harmony.
And Earth Ponies... well, let’s face it. Earth Ponies are simply too retarded to understand basic emotion.
So I have already formulated a plan. I locate the Elements. I then use my masculine charm to woo them. It will of course work, because no straight mare would ever be able to resist me. And if you aren’t straight... then you are a freak of nature and deserve to be dragged into the street and shot where you stand.
I lay them all (You heard me right, ALL) . At least one will be knocked up as a result and hopefully, Celestia willing, the child will be male (so he can do something other than cry and rut) and a unicorn (So he will be respected, not feared or mocked).
I do believe that I have arrived at my destination.I have already procured an apartment in the only place in this town that I feel comfortable sleeping without fear of catching illness from the earthen scum. And while an apartment is very beneath me, It will have to do for now.
Alright then. My plan is in order. Let’s get this over with.
- Jonah J. Joseph
Jonah got up from his seat in the train and closed his journal. How he would preferred a personal chariot but even one as rich as he did not have enough bits. Besides, the only ones fit to carry anyone anywhere are earth ponies and he couldn’t find any with that description.
He carefully put on his black suit jacket, grimacing as he slipped his infernal wings through the wing flaps. He at least had to look good for his new concubines.
Time to get this over with.