Through The Eyes Of Another Pony

by CardsLafter


Chapter Seven: Glomping Ponies for Fun and Prof-... Well, Mostly Just Fun...

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“The Great and Powerful Trixie demands that she be released this instant!”

Does not compute...

“Trixie said to unhoof her!”

Invalid command:  (A)bort, (R)etry, (Q)uit...?

Spoiler alert:  A and R are also (Q)uit.  Which I’m fairly certain makes me a hot-as-hell hacker.

“Did you not hear me!?”

“I’m your biggest fan!” I squealed, my hooves still tightly wrapped around the sky-blue marvel we all know and love. “Celestia!  Look!  It’s the Great and Powerful Trixie!”

I pointed the best pony at Celestia and smiled the best smile.  Well, it wasn’t the best smile.  Trixie has the best smile.  But mine was pretty close, I think.  We’ll assume that for the record, at least.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie is not enjoying this!”

Celestia’s somewhat startled visage faded into her usual half smile before giving me a nod, “I see that.  And for the first time, I think I’m glad that your exuberance has gotten the better of you, Stephen.  We wouldn’t want a guest of the castle to be mistreated, after all.”

“Tr-... What?”  The best pony paused, unsure of this sudden turn of events.

I nodded rapidly before doing a spectacular one-hoofed spin with my favorite pony still in tow.

“I am the best host ever!” I exclaimed in glee.  Trixie shrieked in delight, too.  Strangely enough, her cries of joy sound eerily similar to wails of terror when spun about.  No clue what causes that, but there you have it.

“I... I think I missed something,” I heard Storm Wing mutter.

I came to a full and complete stop and gave the worst captain buttface my full attention.  I gave him a look that told him I didn’t understand what he meant, but looking back, that was kind of stupid of me.  Oh well, it’s not like being a complete buffoon isn’t outside of the norm for me.

“I just,” he started before rubbing the back of his neck with a hoof, “Didn’t that... unicorn just... I don’t know... tear off the roof and declare war on the crown?”

“Yes!” Trixie roared in frustration, “This is an act of ag-...”

I slapped my hoof over Trixie’s mouth and shook my head violently, “Storm Wing!  Such slander!  You will take that back!  Trixie merely demonstrated her kindness and her amazing skills as a magical unicorn to instantly install a new sunroof for the princess!  Thank the pony, Storm Wing!”

He cut me a glare (somehow) that told me he was going to be difficult about this.

“THANK THE PONY!” I yelled, holding Trixie out to him.

There was a full six seconds of silence.  A silence that was unmistakably lacking in any apologies, praise, or acts of gratitude from Storm Wing.  And I wasn’t going to be having any of that.  Or at least, I would have, but Trixie had more important things to say and I wasn’t about to interrupt her.  No, I’d never do that.

Never.

She took a deep breath before glaring daggers back at me and yelling, “Put The Great and Powerful Trixie down!”

“After Captain Facebutt apologizes to you!” I snapped back.

Much to my surprise delight, she turned her head back to Storm Wing and glowered.

“Do it.  If only for the sake of moving this along,” she growled.

Celestia rolled her lovely rose-colored eyes before tugging Trixie out of my grasp.  I whined like a grown man (which is to say, like a big puppy) before pouting at the princess.

“Celestiiiaaa~!” I faux-blubbered.

“Hush, Stephen,” she ordered softly. “As amusing as your antics are, I must treat this situation with the sincerity it deserves.”

Storm stuck his tongue out at me the moment Celestia took her eyes off us.  I swear to the Almighty, he did that.  He’ll never admit it, (Storm Wing:  That’s because I didn’t) but he totally did.  OBVIOUSLY, CAPTAIN STORM WING CAN GO SCREW HIMSELF (S.C.S.W.C: 7) AND THIS PROVES HE’S NOTHING BUT AN IMMATURE, LITTLE FILLY.  AND A PLOTFACEBUTT.

Celestia set Trixie down in front of herself and for half a second, looking up at the grand poobah of ponies, the bestest unicorn looked as though she were having second thoughts about this entire thing.  Maybe.  Not too certain.  Regardless of whatever it was, it didn’t last long.  With dignity and grace, she had quickly composed herself and cleared her throat.

“Thank you, Princess Celestia,” she barked in her extra self-entitled voice before straightening her hat and glaring back at me. “I’m glad that at least somepony here has a notion of propriety!”

Trixie was glaring at me.  I... Well, to be quite honest, I swooned a little.  Thankfully Storm Wing was a boss and caught me before I could go prone.  Though some might assume that it was only because I had aimed myself to fall on him.  In fact, that’s probably the only reason he caught me.  I mean, it’s not like the little bastard’s nice or anything.

“Of course.” Celestia nodded. “Please, carry on with your business.”

“With pleasure!” she snapped before directing her attention back to the best sun princess.

“Ahem!  Princess Celestia, I’ve come with an ultimatum!”

“Ulti... Wait, does that come before or after you claim Canterlot as your own?” Storm Wing asked.

“What?”

Celestia went to shush Storm, but I was all over that. “Shut up, Storm!  The ladies are talking business!”

He ignored me.  Ass.

“You said you claimed Canterlot as your own,” he pointed out, his tone suggesting disinterest.

“I did not!”

“Stephen, silence.” Celestia ordered.

“Yeah, you just did.  Like... two minutes ago,” Storm continued.

“Why does Storm Wing not get a shush?” I whimpered.

“Shut up, Firewall,” he rebuked me alongside a blind eye-rolling.

“Captain.  That’s enough.”

“I did no such thing!” Trixie declared.

I helped her remember because I’m all sorts of awesome like that. “No, remember?  Right before you tore off... Err... Put in the new sunlight?”

“Firewall, she said knock it off!”

“She told you to shut up, too, jackass!”

“I... I got a little... carried away, I suppose.”

“You tore off the bucking ceiling!  What happens when you get very carried away?”

“Obviously worlds explode.  Like... Psssshhhbbtttt~!”

And then Celestia raised her voice.  Which is like a direct path to the pony panic button.  Seriously.  Any pony within earshot of Celestia voice pretty much rolls over whenever she does that.  Or takes the strength out of your hocks so you at the very least will instantly flop over.

“Storm Wing!  Stephen!”

Flop.

“Out!”

* * *

After a rapid scampering out to the courtyard, I decided a smokey treat was in order.  Storm Wing had gone off to do his own thing, which was fine with me!  I didn’t like the little featherbrain anyway!  There wasn’t much else for me to do, but that was okay.  I needed some cooldown time.  I’d just glomped Trixie and got my cutie mark in the same five minutes.  So yeah, Lafter was two steps from critical mass.  If anything else fun and exciting happened in the next twenty minutes, I’d have collapsed in on myself and created a gleeful black hole.  Fortunately, no such excitement happened, for which Stoic was no doubt grateful.  As was everything else that was within the vicinity of my theoretical event horizon.

The courtyard was boring, despite there being that super big statue of Winter Sky still glaring at everything that dare cross its path.  I brohoof’d him because that was the right thing to do, but then decided that I was needed elsewhere.  Namely the garden.  Where my special happiness bench was.  It needed me.

So after touchin’ down onto that beast like a balla, I continued to process nicotine and tobacco at a steady rate before thinking of the strange sounds my belly was making.

“I just fed you!” I yelled at my stomach, unsure of just what would make it so groany after having been supplied with a ridiculous stack of pwncakes and roffles.

After a pinching sensation, I quickly discovered that it was being quite sincere.  I was undeniably hungry.  Blargh.

“Fine!  Gastrointestinal tyrant...” I grumbled before rolling off the bench with a fantastic flop to the ground. “But we’re going to have a talk about this later!”

With that, I began to trot my happy self on over to Cookie’s kitchen.  I would have simply strolled right in there, but I remembered that I had promised to behave myself in exchange for his cooperation earlier.  And I do my best to not be a liar.  Really, not keeping one’s word is actually one of the things that gets me.  Thusly, I trotted my happy-yet-grumbling self to the dining hall, where a window to the kitchen had been installed for obvious reasons.

“Hey, Cookie Monster?” I called out as I approached the window, “Hey buddy, just to let you know, I’m behaving here.  Totes not kicking down the door and demanding food.  I’m just curious if I could have, like, a banana or something.  They’re, like, super nutritious and stuff.”

Much to my displeasure, Cookie did not respond to me.  I wasn’t going to be denied!  But I’d rather not be denied in a mutually agreeable fashion at this point.  I can get pretty insufferable, I’m told, and I was just aiming to not be a burden on anyone’s patience for once.  Still, for him to just ignore me...

“Hey, c’mon, mate.  Just toss a banana out here and I’m gone.  Err... If that’s okay... with you...” I muttered lamely as I continued making my way toward said window, feeling stupid about this whole... meek approach. “Look, I suck at talking all normal and all I’m needing is something small to get my stomach to shut up!  Bananas are a must!”

After being ignored the depths of hell a second time, I hiked up to throw my hooves over the kitchen window only to see not Cookie, not Sugar Dust, and not Luna on some fattening kitchen raid.  No.  It was somepony else neck deep in the bottom shelf of Cookie’s pantry.  Which was simply unthinkable!  Who would let themselves into the royal kitchen without permission!  This pony was breaking the rules!  All the rules!  Which is my turf!  And I wouldn’t hoof for it or whatever! Lame pony pun!

“Twilight!” I cried, my jaw hanging open in faux-horror.

“Ah!” she shrieked, snatching her head upward, only for it to smack into the shelf above. “Ow!   Owww!”

I hoof clapped.  Self-inflicted head wounds always deserve applause.

“No-Na... Wait, Firewall... Right.” She rubbed the new developing bump on her head and pouted a bit. “What do you... Nnngh, that smarts.”

“What are you doing in there?” I demanded. “Don’t you know that raiding the kitchen is my job?  I swear, Twilight, you can’t cut me a break even on my Cutie-Mark Day.”

“I’m looking for...” she started before blinking and actually registering what I had said. “Wait, your what?”

With that, I hopped onto the window and strut my stuff around like I was on the catwalk. Which, to be honest, was probably the sexiest thing Twilight had ever seen.  I wasn’t thinking of that at the time, or I wouldn’t have emphasized all my glorious awesomeness at her.  It can be a little too much to process all at once. “Unf!  Booyah!  Ah’m... too sexy for mah cutie-mahk!”

She stared at it as though she weren’t believing her eyes, which is totally understandable.  It’s pretty hard to comprehend just how awesome my butt-tattoo is.

“That’s... That’s wonderful, Firewall,” she replied hesitantly before rolling her eyes at my buck-awesome strutting. “I’m very happy for you.  Now get down from there and help me search this pantry.”

I paused mid-incredibly-sexy-strut before glancing back at her. “What?  Why?  Twilight, raiding the royal pantry is punishable by glomps.  And I’m the pony judge, pony jury, and execu... pony...  FOR GREAT JUSTICE!”

“Punishable by whaAAAGH!?” she screamed as I dived off the window to tackle-hug the unsuspecting filly. “Firewall!  This is serious!  Let go!”

“Royal execution of pony glomps is serious business, Twilight!” I yelled back before spying an incoming recipe book.  “NOOO!!!!”

This went on for a while, so I’m not going to bore you with the details but suffice it to say... Flying books and their unicorn taskmasters can go buck themselves.

So yeah.  After chasing me out from under a table and into the pantry, I tried to take refuge under the bottom shelf which had way too many contents for me to fit my fat grey bohonkus in there.  This led to a huge mess that involved me throwing whatever I could get my magic horn on at Twilight until she got a good wallop that sent me right into the pantry shelves!

INGREDIENTS EVERYWHERE!

Now really, that may seem like a bunch of inane craziness... And it totally was!  But it led to a certain bottle that fell on top of my head and shattered, covering me in whatever was inside.  Smelled like a mix between window-cleaner and ammonia.  Whatever it was, it knocked me the hell out.

And just a side note before we move on...

YOU SEE!  SLEEPING IN EQUESTRIA HAPPENS, BUT ONLY WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT!

… … … /rant.  Sorry about that.

* * *

“I cannot possibly work in this environment!”

I wasn’t sure what all had happened, but it was the yelling going on in the distance that woke me up.  It sounded like it was coming from Cookie.  No clue who was bearing the brunt of his pony aggression, but it wasn’t me and that’s all that matters.  Duh.

I slowly opened my eyes, letting out a grunt as my world came into focus.  A soft cough brought my attention to the one and only Twilight Sparkle staring down at me from the right of the bed.  She was wearing her little saddle-bags and had an expression that told me she was trying to decide whether or not she was done being irritated with me.  

“Twilight?” I winced a bit at the slight pain inside my brainpan.

“Are you feeling alright?” she asked, a hint of annoyance still in her voice.

I sat up as I took note of my surroundings.  Teal walls, white curtains, fluffy, clean beds... Damn it.  We were in that damn medical wing again.  Which was overkill!  I got a bonk on the head and I wake up in the hospital?  Seriously, there was absolutely no reason for me to be here.  I just got clobbered by books, is all.  What’re they going to do if, God forbid, I get a paper cut?!  Rush me to the Pony ER?  With Pony George Clooney?

Whatever.

I took a breath of the clean, clinical air before turning my head to the pony that was my aggressor. “You’re a jerk.”

“And you started it!” she quickly snapped back.

“Shush...  I’m injured...” I slurred at her, still a little bleary from waking up. “What happened?”

“I think we acci... Well, no... I was on the right trail.  You just blundered into it like a serendipitous little foal.”

“Pssshyeah.” I rubbed my forehead before blowing a raspberry at her. “Imagine if I was actually trying.  It would blow your mind.  Like, your mind would be so blown.  You’d be all, ‘Firewall... Your mad skizzles.  They blow my mind.’”

“I’m sure,” she groaned sardonically.

“You’d be all, ‘Teach me, Firewall... Teach me your ways.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And I’d be all, ‘Twilight.  Child.  You know the way.  Search your feelings.’”

“Mmhmm.”

“And then you would become greater than me.  Only not really.  And we’d have to kung-fu fight.  Whereupon I’d fake my death and let you believe you were the greatest.  Because I’m so damn selfless.”

“A paragon of charity.”

“Damn right.  A veritable monument to grace itself.”

And then there was this long, heavy pause where she continued to glare at me for several seconds.  I mean, I figured it out eventually, but yeah... She was waiting on something specific.

“Oh!  Shit!  Umm... Yeah, what did we find, again?”

She face hoofed. “Took you long enough.”

“Hey!” I poked my bottom lip out. “I just woke up.”

“Forgive me if I find myself short of patience,” she drolled on sarcastically before using her nose to flip open one of her saddlebags. “Get a load of this!”

She whipped out... AN EMPTY BROKEN BOTTLE!  My first thought was to scream that I was actually in prison and Twilight was trying to shank me, but that thought was more silly than even I was willing to accept.

“We call those bottles back on Earth,” I scratched my head, giving her a confused look.

“No, Firewall!” she huffed before holding it closer, “The smell!”

Now clued into what was going on, I took her cue and gave it a whiff.  It smelled so clean it was almost repugnant.  Maybe even a little sweet.  And the moment I had it good and fully classified, I remembered that it was the same smell that had preceded a pair of untimely naps.

“It’s the chloroform!” I cried, throwing my hooves into the air. “In Luna’s library!”

She nodded very seriously. “Yes.  This is the bottle that broke on your thick skull.”

“Hey!”

“Which happened to be stashed away in the royal pantry.”

Then my eyes widened. “Oh buck.  The royal pantry!”

“Yup.”

“Inside the royal kitchen!”

She nodded. “Mmmhmm.”

“With the royal cook ponies!” I exclaimed.

“Exactly!” she confirmed.

“But that means everything in the castle is royal!  Which makes that royal chloroform!”

“I... What?” She tilted her head as she digested that before facehoofing. “No!  Okay.  Uh... Technically, yes.  But no, that’s not what I'm trying to show you.  One of the cooks must be the crook!”

I frowned. “Yeah, well, that was going to be my next guess!  After it being... Y’know... Molestia’s chloroform.  And bad stuff happening while I was asleep.”

The perplexity on her face was marked with a modicum of suspicion, and all I could think was how much I would have really enjoyed a filter on my damn mouth.

“Uh... Who?  What?” she inquired.

“Oh... Shit, um...” I stammered, trying to think of anything to change the subject.  Fortunately for me, that change blessedly walked into my patient’s room in the form of a tough-looking silver Sky Archon. “Oh thank Tom Cruise and Scientology!  Silverheart’s here to distract us!”

And she was!  Strolling in with that self-important demeanor that practically advertised her badassery.  Or maybe it was just a dutiful march, but same difference in my opinion.  She gave me half a smirk at the joyous mentioning of her name, but otherwise did not react to the comment.

“I’m here to do a lot more than distract you,” she announced almost deviously. “Get outta that bed and come with me.”

“Uh-oh,” I voiced my concern, giving Twilight a look that begged for assistance.

She rolled her eyes yet again before turning away. “You’re on your own.  I’m going to speak to Celestia about what we’ve learned.”

I delayed Twilight’s departure with an ordeal of tomfoolery, trying to make her stick around in an effort to entertain myself (at least I’m honest about it) by diving after her back hooves.  And then book’d me in the face (which was starting to become a more regular thing), much to my displeasure.  I retreated under the bed for safety, but Silverheart had to be an assbutt by way of dragging me out by my tail.

Note to self:  Always account for one’s tail in any and all situations.

The dragging nonsense didn’t get far before she became impatient and promised me a world of hurt if I didn’t start becoming a lot more cooperative.  I know this is going to make me sound like a pushover, but I wasn’t dumb enough to try and call her on a bluff that didn’t exist.  With that explained, I obviously played ball and followed her to wherever we were headed off to.

“So,” I rattled off, trying to make small talk. “How’s the weather?”

“Perfect,” she announced as we trotted. “I saw to it this morning.”

“You?”

She nodded.

“Don’t they have weather ponies for that?”

She wingshrugged which made me a little sick just watching it. “It’s a convenient source of practice for the Artillery Archons.”

“Is that, like, some subsection of Sky Archon?” I queried. “Because I’m going to be honest, that sounds pretty strange.  I mean, do you guys also have Sniper Archons and Orbital Strike Archons, too?”

Well, she set the record straight that I needed to stop acting like everypony was going to understand anything about my race (she called me a Hoo-Mane).  I don’t think she was enjoying my self-indulgent humor, but whatever, right?  After I promised to stop, she went on to describe Sword Archons and Artillery Archons.  Sword Archons were basically the quickest, strongest fliers in Equestria hoof-picked by the upper echelons of command and groomed to be fearless frontliners.  Artillery Archons were like wizards or something.  Really amazing when it came to controlling weather and able to work out the best results in the worst of circumstances.

Now, this wasn’t too relevant to anything except... Silverheart didn’t know what artillery actually was.  She thought I was making fun of her and nearly decked me for it, but after I assured her that I wasn’t, she admitted that she wasn’t entirely aware of the word’s meaning.  I... kinda broke my rules a teeny bit on the condition that what I told her would be kept in confidence.  I mean, she took it fairly well, but it was obvious that she wasn’t too sure about me after I described what human artillery was and what it was used for.  As in she started keeping me at wing’s length.

“I guess Hoomanes know their way around combat,” she remarked, a little distracted by her own unsettled thoughts.

“Yeah, something like that.  And it’s pronounced Hyu-Mens,” I clarified before changing the subject in an attempt to take her mind off of the grim subject. “So, seriously.  Where are we going?”

“To the royal armory.”

I struggled to keep Lafter and his urge to complain about how everything in this damn castle was ‘royal’ but Stoic was right there, helping me sit on that box.  What a guy!

“What for, if you don’t mind my asking.”

She wingshrugged yet again, filling me with bile and hatred!

“Celestia and the ambassador Trixie agreed to a time and place f-...”

“Woah... Back up there.  Ambassador?”

She gave a half-interested nod before continuing. “Yes.  Ambassador.  Anyway, the situation is rather strange and apparently involves you.  Negotiations have been arranged at the Ruins of the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters, and they hinge on your presence being a thing that happens.”

Balls.

I bit my lip and grimaced a tad. “So we’re going to the armory... to what, dress me in barding?”

“Princess’s orders,” she answered with a nod.

“Well, if this is to be the death of me, at least I’ll look damn good.”

She let out a hollow laugh before shooting a suggestive glance my way. “Too bad Luna’s too busy snoozin’ it up, eh?”

That made my stomach do a few flips.  I didn’t say anything afterwards and she teased me for what she thought was me being shy.  If only, y’know?  Seriously, I had no idea how I was supposed to handle this whole... pony... dating... … … thing.  We didn’t really talk much until we made it to the Sky Archon Barracks.  Which, to make a long story short, was a ponyfied version of the Roman Coliseum.  Only, y’know... not in ruins.  Though I will admit, it sure was beat up.  Training was apparently pretty brutal, if the holes and cracked columns were any indicator.

The Archons themselves were all lined up (a grand total of about fifty) and standing at attention in two groups.  Storm Wing stood in front of them as Starlight (That’s the red-eyed deathmare in case anyone forgot) yelled at them like a drill instructor with a PG-Filter on her language, handing out orders based on team assignment.  The two stallions that stood front and center of the unit sported their own lieutenant stars matching the one that Silverheart wore on her chest.  They were a good bit larger than the others, easily matching my height and looking a good bit more built.  One was a royal violet with a long, shiny gold mane and matching eyes.  For some reason, he seemed to be the only Sky Archon not dressed in armor, so I was able to see his tornado Cutie Mark.  His counterpart was just a tiny bit bigger and dressed in gold armor like Starlight.  His black mane was cropped Trojan-style and did a good job of accenting his dark-red mane.

Now, call me strange for noticing stuff like this, but it only took me a glance to realize that his eyes were a very distinct royal-blue.  As in, the same royal blue of Starlight’s coat, who, inversely, had eyes that matched his coat.  Which couldn’t have been a coincidence, okay?!

So yeah.  I notice weird stuff like that.  Sue me.

Anyway, we really didn’t say anything as we passed on by.  We just got a barely perceptible nod from Storm Wing and continued on our merry way.  I almost wanted to throw a water balloon or something at him just to cause a scene but even I knew that doing that in front of his subordinates would be crossing a huge line.

“He’s a surly little bucker, ain’t he?” I remarked as we finally entered the armory which had been up until that point a purely hypothetical idea that might not have existed.

I have to admit, I was a little blown away by all the different armors.  It seemed 100% defensive.  Not a single weapon to speak of.  Not even a particularly spikey set of armor.  Still, lack of offensive capabilities aside, there was everything from a dozen different types of leather to plate (which seemed to be rather dusty from never being used) and a number of banded mails that seemed to be well worn.

Silverheart blinked before giving me an incredulous stare.

“What?” I asked.

“You mean Storm Wing?” she asked, “The Captain?”

“Well... Yeah,” I admitted, suddenly aware that I might have said something stupid.

She let out a long line of soft laughter as she cantered along the wall, glancing up at the armors with an expert’s eye.

“‘Surly little bucker’?” she echoed, still snickering just a bit. “You realize his thousandth birthday is right around the corner, right?”

I opened my mouth to reply, realized I had nothing to express my shock, and promptly closed it back up with an embarrassed chuckle.  I tried to think of something for the next several seconds and got so distracted in the effort that I didn’t even realize that Silverheart had picked out a set of sweet looking platemail.  It was all silver and dusty and so awesome that I nearly squealed like a little girl!

“Omigoshface!” I cried, dancing on my hooftips in a rush of instant excitement.

She couldn’t help but smile just a bit. “Easy there, filly.”

“Yes ma’am!” I piped, staring at the armor as though it were made of delicious, hot doughnuts.

Well, donning the damn thing took a while.  Seriously, it was like, twenty minutes.  But I didn’t mind, nor did I fidget.  Which seemed to surprise Silverheart quite a bit.  I guess she reasonably expected me to be difficult, but I’ve always been really good about sitting still ever since I discovered that I love my hair getting played with at the salon.  She made an offhand comment about it, but I ignored her once she got to pulling my mane through the helmet.  Which was a delight, if I’m to be truthful on the matter.  Felt great, pony!

“There we go.  All done.”

“Mirror!” I demanded gleefully.

She nodded at the other end of the armory. “All the way down on your left.  Try not to take too long.”

That was all I needed to know to go scampering off like a boss!  I knocked over a few armor stands along the way, eliciting some unpleasant dialogue from Silverheart in the process, but on the whole, I made it safely to the mirror!

My first thought was to whine inwardly at just how dirty it was.  After a quick dusting with my extra fluffy tail (which is a super pony faux pas by the way), I took a long, hard gander at myself.

Well, to be honest, I was a teensy bit disappointed.  I really didn’t look that different from any of those other grey unicorns in the Equestria Guard except for my mane and tail.  Though I totes looked like a badflank with that Trojan mohawk.  Unf!  But yeah, overall I'd rate it a Friggin’ Sweet on a scale of Tepid to Awesome Sauce.

And then I was suddenly not in the armory anymore.  Which is to say, there wasn’t some poof or any magical nonsense or any mystic chiming.  Just... Like someone flipped a switch and I was suddenly in a white room.  It was a little jarring, to be honest about it.

“Woah,” I stated profoundly before checking all my quadrants, confirming that I was standing in a big white abyss.

“Forgive me,” a voice echoed from all directions. “But I felt we would need a bit of privacy.”

It took me a minute to place the... impression with the identity.  Or lack thereof, at least.

“Mister Vimh?” I murmured, continuing to look all about me in vain.

“Indeed.”

“Um... Is time passing normally here?  Because I got somewhere I’ve gotta be.”

“Should it not?” His tone suggested interest more than suspicion.

“Well, I’m not going to assume everything works the way I expect it to.  And you really shouldn’t expect me to expect that.  Or so I should expect at the very least!”

There was a short pause before the formless voice began to chuckle softly.  Now, I’m all for people laughing at my jokes, but inwardly I was slightly leaning towards a degree of panic.  Because this was stranger than just about anything else I’d encountered so far.  And that’s saying something.

“You aren’t as funny as you think,” he answered, the origin of his voice slowly focusing behind me. “That said, you’re still pretty funny.”

I turned around and was almost blown away by the presence of Harry Potter!  Okay, not exactly Harry Potter.  But there were more similarities than you would think.  His eyes were a shocking bright blue and his black hair was pretty damn shaggy, not to mention he seemed to be failing in the attempt to grow a decent pair of sideburns.  But everything else was almost spot on.  He wore rectangular glasses (close enough, alright?), was pale white, had the gaunt, lanky physique in both his face and body, and he sported a maroon sweater that covered the belt-loops of his worn jeans!

My first response?  Duh.  Run my mouth a little.

“Listen, man, this ain’t the Hogwarts aisle,” I clarified for him, “You passed it already.  This is the Hub.  Where we keep the awesome ponies and Dan Vs.”

He smirked a bit before extending his hand. “Then I’ll just have to make do.”

I’m sort’ve a sucker for formalities and respectful behavior.  I mean, it’s not the kind of stuff I do, but it has a genuine effect when applied on me.  So without thinking about it, I took his hand and shook it with my own.

“David,” he named himself.

“Firew-... Err... Stephen,” I hesitated before glancing down at my hand and failing to bite back a swear. “Shit.”

“Problem?”

“Not a pony anymore,” I admitted with a sigh. “I’m all sorts of bummed out about that.”

“Oh, that.” He nodded. “Don’t worry.  It’s just while you’re here with me.”

Relief!

“Awesome sauce.  Good to know,” I smiled brightly before letting it fade into a curious smirk. “So what’s your deal, Mister Vimh-Dave?”

“More goodwill,” he confirmed with a simple shrug.

I grimaced before rubbing at the back of my head. “Damn.  I uhh... Shit, I’m going to be real with you, mate.  I’m not in a big hurry to trust someone I just met on his word that he’s just flying around, dropping little pieces of awesome for the good of all.  It’s like this huge invitation to have lady luck stab you with a broken chloroform bottle, if you get what I’m saying.”

“I understand,” he said. “That’s why I’m just going to give you a warning and let you decide what you want to do with that information.”

“Well, if you wanna sweet talk me into it,” I answered while motioning for him to go on about it.

“Trixie is not trying to fool you or Celestia.  There is much at stake and the negotiations are not a disguise for darker intentions,” he started, pausing for my obligatory acknowledgement.

“Okaaaayy... But?”

“But that which she represents is not the only player in the game.  And the situation is quite open to sabotage.  In fact, I will be very shocked if things go peaceably, even if no agreement is reached.”

“So... Trixie declaring Canterlot hers...?”

He let his eyes roll back for a moment, pulling away his glasses to rub at the bridge of his nose. “Ah, yes.  That.  Trixie sometimes gets... carried away.”

“No doubt.” I smirked, amused by the subject but changed it nonetheless. “So who does she represent?”

“Me,” he replied, putting his spectacles back in place and giving me a very deliberate stare. “And you are the conditions of peace.”

I blinked, leaning back a bit before crossing my arms and frowning. “Wow.  Seriously?  Just like that, eh?”

“Just like that,” he responded, meeting my gaze very deliberately, “I need to protect Equestria from my daughter before she can destroy it.  And you are the lynchpin to her doing just that.”

Speechless!  Which is a big deal for me!

I gave him a good ol’ fashioned Spock eyebrow in an attempt to properly convey my confusion on the matter.  Sure, I didn’t want to insult the poor guy, but he looked a good bit younger than me.  So for him to tell me he had a kid meant that not everything was as it seemed.  And the fact that this kid was apparently some dire threat to all those that exist in Equestria wasn’t helping to make everything suddenly crystal clear.  So yeah, color me confused.

I cleared my throat before voicing my obvious lack of understanding, “Pardon?”

He opened his mouth to reply but hesitated for a moment.  Without another word, he reached into one of his pockets and drew out what looked to be a small metal book.  It pulsed with a soft blue light that came from within it.  The pulsing was slow to start but it began to pick up the pace after several seconds of our little stare-a-thon.  I figured it had to be made of magnets or magic or some unholy combination of the two, but it wasn’t like this David fellow was giving me a rundown of what it actually was.

“Stephen, I’m sorry but I think one or both of us have been discovered.  I must go.”

I blinked but shrugged it all off regardless. “Nah, it’s cool.  Like I said, I have somewhere to be.  I’ll just see myself out the door... … Oh wait.”

He smirked before pocketing the book once more. “Yes, yes, I’m working on it.  We’ll speak again.”

“Apologies if I wet myself in anticipation.”

And without so much as a magic twinkling, I was right back where I’d been.  Only rather than staring at some badflank in plate barding, I was instead laying on the floor.  With my mouth open.  Drooling, naturally.  These things just aren’t complete without excessive drooling.  Incidentally sampling the flavor of the floor.  It wasn’t the best floor I’ve had, that’s for sure.  The carpet in Luna’s library is much better.

After a second of absorbing all the knowledge that could be absorbed from my current situation (which was surprisingly little), I picked my head up from the armory floor and took a moment to sputter the dirt that had collected on my tongue.  I figured I might try licking myself to get the rest off, but that weirded even me out.  Then I noticed Storm Wing and Silverheart standing just behind me.

“I’m sorry for holding you up, Captain, but as you can see, I don’t have much to work with,” she commented before.

Bad choice of words.

“Silverheart!” I gasped in false horror. “How dare you make fun of Storm’s blindness!  ‘As you can see’ indeed!”

Her response was to roll her eyes and saunter off.  I guess there’s no getting under her skin.  But whatever, right!?

Storm cleared his throat before rubbing his forehead with a hoof. “I’d ask if you’re done making a foal of yourself, but you haven’t stopped, yet, so I’ve no reason to believe that we’re going to see a change anytime soon.  So I’ll just ask, are you ready to go?”

“Technically, you’ll never see any changes any time soon,” I reminded him because I want him to be more self-aware.

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes.’  Which is a lot more than I was hoping for,” he stated before turning and cantering back out.

I left a healthy pause in there before yelling out at him.

“I’m fine by the way!” I hollered. “Thanks for asking if I was okay and that if me randomly passing out for no reason is normal!  Because it totally is!”

“Good to know,” he countered, “Get well soon.”

… Screw Captain Storm Wing. (8)

* * *

Well, I’ll make this simple.  We walked up to Celestia and talked about girls.  Or... Wait, no that was my dream.  But technically that’s still true.  Because what we actually talked about was Trixie.  Oh, and Twilight.  We said some things about Twilight.  Which means, techincally, yes.  We spoke of girls together.  Because Trixie is one girl, and Twilight is another, making it plural.  You know... Girls... … …  Moving on.

Moral of the Story:  I’m awesome and my dreams come true.  Note, my dreams become true because I am awesome, not the other way around.

Anyway, because I’m not allowed to skim (buck a certain somepony for that), the long version is that me and Storm made our way back to the throne room to meet Celestia.  It should be said that I wanted to go do other things that involved fun, but Storm Wing is actually comprised of 87% Anti-Fun and thus cancelled it out wherever I went.  So I was forced to unfunly go with him to report to Celestia.

Which was a drag because it went like this:

I bucked open the throne room door and cried out, “PRINCESS CELESTIA, CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, Because this pony is on... fi-...yer?  Goodness, I’m... totally interrupting, aren’t I.”

The room was full of ponies who were suddenly all staring at me.

I didn’t really recognize most of them but they didn’t seem pleased about the interrupt after the initial shock wore off.  And they all seemed to be very gathered around on what I could only speculate to be a briefing involving Equestria’s defense.    They had this huge map pulled out with a lot of marks and strings all over it along with a every last guardspony dressed in armor.

Super awkward.  Other than Twilight and Celestia, there were those two Sky Archon Lieutenants and a whole bunch of Equestrian Guard, I didn’t recognize anypony.  Storm Wing backwinged me upside the head, which, to be fair, was deserved.  I nodded, knowing it was a well-earned punishment and promptly shut my trap for once in my life.  No, it wasn’t easy.

“Apologies, Princess,” Storm Wing called out before nodding. “We are prepared to leave at your leisure.”

“Then we will waste no more time,” she nodded before glancing at the two Sky Archons standing at attention. “Lieutenants Whirlwind and Hot Shot, I assume you can handle the rest from here on?”

“Yes, your majesty,” said the purple stallion.

His red counterpart nodded.

“Very good,” she said before turning back to Storm Wing and I. “Gentlecolts.”

Without another word, the three of us trolled on out of there with Twilight tagging along behind, looking a deal too nervous to speak up.  As the three of us trotted out to the courtyard, I couldn’t help but glance at the big Winter Sky statue.  I frowned up at the oversized yard gnome before remembering what Luna had said about Winter Sky having fallen one-thousand years ago and how Storm was supposedly right around that age.  I’d taken a good bit of time pondering on the situation, wondering if the dinky Captain Storm Wing had been around back then.

I turned to ask him about it but I was interrupted by AWESOME.

And by awesome, I mean the Awesome Sky Carriage of Awesomeness™!  Yes, there it was, descending from on high with Silverheart as its humble driver.  Its sheen was like something really impressive on a midsummer’s eve... whatever the hell that means.  And the majesty... the majesty alone would have killed mortal men and mares alike.

Luckily, I’m a stallion, so I survived.  Twilight was not so fortunate.  A moment of silence for death by awesome. … … …

Anyway, we all went to board the craft with Twilight (... of course she didn’t actually die; that would be stupid...) continuing to lag behind.  I glanced back at her from my incredibly awesome perch and frowned.  Now, don’t get me wrong, Twilight’s cool and all, but whenever Celestia is involved, she gets all shy and intimidated.  So naturally, me being the loudmouth that I am, spoke up without considering what I was saying.

“Twi!  This carriage isn’t going to wait around forever!” I barked, “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure Celestia doesn’t bite you!”

She went from purple to magenta in a real quick hurry but otherwise didn’t respond.  But I still held up my end of the deal.

“Princess, may I request that you not bite Twilight Sparkle?” I politely requested.

Although Celestia seemed initially distracted, she blinked and turned my way after I finished my sentence.  A quick mental rundown of what was going on gave her all the clues she needed before realizing what I was asking.

She neglected to answer the original question in favor of answering the genuine one that had been sitting in the subtext.  The question, that is... I said the... … … You’ll figure it out.

“I’m sorry, Twilight, but I can’t allow you to come with us,” she firmly stated.

Twilight and I did a double-take before turning back to the Princess.

“Princess, but I...”

Celestia shook her head and gave her protege an apologetic frown. “I’m sorry, but I cannot risk taking you.”

“Woah, woah, woah!  Twilight, are you in trouble!?” I suddenly demanded, whipping my head back to Twilight.

Everypony paused as I gave the purple unicorn the most suspicious glare I could muster.

“I... What?” Twilight tilted her head, unsure of what I was doing.

“What did you do!?” I snapped, scrunching my face up.

She started to answer, but I cut her off.

“Did you steal something!?”

“What!?” she gasped, her jaw dropping for a half-second as the shock took its time wearing off. “No!”

“Then you must have used your magic for evil!” I accused.

“I... I have done no such th-...”

“Was it treason, then!?”

“No!  I h-...”

“ARSON?!”

“No!”

“BRIBERY OF A DIGNITARY?!”

“WOULD YOU STOP!?”

“Well, you must have done something!”

She met my glare with an indignant glower of her own. “And why is that?!”

“Duh!” I threw my hooves up in the air. “Because Celestia has a reason to think she can’t trust you!  And since your responsible nature isn’t in question, nor is your level of competence, then you must have betrayed that trust!  CONFESS, TWILIGHT!  CONFESS AND BE FREE!  LET GO OF THE DISHARMONIC BURDEN ON YOUR MAGICAL, CANDY-COLORED SOUL!”

I heard a couple of gossipy-faced horseflies (aka pegasi) commenting on my magnificence.

“Sometimes I’m just floored by the realization that he is legitimately always like this.  One-hundred percent of the time.  It’s not an act.  He’s really like that.”

“Well... Not all the time.  You should see him when he’s serious.  Like night and day.”

“CONFESS, TWI-...”

And then a magical muzzle appeared around my... muzzle.  … I didn’t think that sentence through.  Still, you get what I’m saying.  Now, you’d blame that on Twilight and 9/10 times, you’d be betting on the right horse.  Yeah, you see what I did there.  But not that time.  No, you’d have lost that bet and would have watched all your hard earned bits pushed on over to the... Celestia... … Look, this betting pun has only lasted two sentences and it’s already messing with the flow, so let’s start over.

Celestia muzzled me with the magic of friendship.

Not as fun to say, honestly, but I suppose it gets the job done.

Regardless!  I’d accomplished my objective.

“That’s enough, Stephen,” the Sun Princess pointed out. “I... understand your meaning.”

FINALLY!  SOMEPONY WHO UNDERSTANDS ME! … … … She was totally lying, by the way.  Nopony can understand the complex critter that is Firewall McStephen Ponycorn.  That lie only the way to madness.

“Stephen?” Twilight’s confused visage only worsened.

“That’s his human name,” Storm Wing pointed out, happy to be a part of the conversation once again. “But he seems to like Firewall just fine.  Which is good.  Stephen’s a dumb-sounding name anyway.”

I tried to flick Storm the bird, but just the idea of flipping the bird to a pegapony was so funny that the moment I thought of it I started snickering from behind my muzzle.  Also, I lacked the digitry.  During my own chuckle-fest, though, Celestia shot a wistful look Twilight’s way.

“Twilight Sparkle?” she called out.

Twilight cantered forward as timidly as she could, looking up to the princess with all the reverence a purple equine could possibly muster.

“You will stay near me,” she ordered.

Twilight nodded.

“You will stay as safe as you possibly can?”

The faithful student nodded again.

“And you will do exactly as I say, no matter what happens.  That isn’t a question.”

“Of course, y-your majesty,” she murmured.

After a long silence, she nodded. “Then let us leave at once.”

AND THEN SHE WAS ALL LIKE, “FIREWALL GRAB MY TAIL!”  AND SO I DID AND THINGS WERE LIKE...

AD-FRIEND-TURE~!