Dear GJ,
It's been a week since I've made up with my friends. Yay, it's sort of like an anniversary. We're still planning to have that slumber party I told you about. And about them to coming with me to The Cantering Stallion!
It's been hard, letting them see me like that. They haven't said anything but I'll sure they're having a hard time getting their heads around the 'Real Pinkie'. I don't feel like there is a 'real' or 'fake' Pinkie! But I think it's because they still think me too naive and innocent. It was a lot for them to take in and I'm afraid they might be starting to deny all of it.
I've also been trying really hard to change other parts of me. I just wish they were more supportive. I decided the other day to that since me and Rarity made up I should ask her how to be more ladylike. And she laughed! Again! I had to laugh as well and say it was so I could plan fancy parties and soirees better. She seemed pretty open to help me after that. I didn't want to get mad at her. We just got over a fight! I don't know what bothered me more. Her laughing or her saying, 'She just couldn't see me be anything but me.' Whatever that means. She seems to have already forgot that she doesn't yet know 'me'.
On another note, I haven't seen Discord for a while. Fluttershy says she's seen him but he hasn't said anything about me. I kinda wish he would though. I think I really like him.
Dear GJ,
I just haven't been feeling too good lately. I think I might be depressed. I've lost quite a bit of weight but the restrictions on eating is really hurting my business. I can't get myself to taste the cakes and pastries around the shop. I'm also irritated at parties. There's just too much unhealthy food. I hate seeing them gorge themselves on pizza and cake. Did I look like that? Ugh. I feel snappish. I wish everyone would stop trying to tell me what to do. Just let me be! I want to just be free to do what ever I want.
Dear Glitter Journal,
I think I hate Fluttershy. And probably Rarity too. They think they're so pretty and Fluttershy gets to hang out with Dissy like she owns him. Maybe she does thinks she does what with writing to him and him hanging around her house all the time. I wonder if she knows he likes me? Rarity thinks she's just sooo much better than everyone else. She's all high class and proper. It's too hard not to tell her off during our sessions. 'I'm not a child. I know what a fork is for.' So pompous. She grew up in Ponyville, but she'll act like this is just a rest stop on the road to Canterlot. At least it's easy not to eat around her. She expects me to take dainty bites on a tiny serving. I had asked her not to tell anyone about these lessons. I don't want another round of 'let's laugh at Pinkie trying to be someone else'.
Good news! I can fit into my gala dress. In fact, it's little loose. Yay, for Pinkie.
It's too hard now to not act like myself. I'm too short tempered. I don't know what's happening to me sometimes. I'm changing yes, but it's scaring me. I've got to stay happy. Happy happy happy Pinkie. Smile!
Ugh, I'm tired. That's all. I'm tired but it's too easy to fake it. I've been having bad dreams lately. All of my old house. The too cold nights. The hunger. I had to help my sisters. I'm the oldest after my older sister left. I could feel a part of me shattering. It's like there's something inside trying to get out. I don't know what it is. I don't like any of this.
Everypony has got to stop telling me to cheer up. I don't feel like it. I'm tired. I just want to sleep.
I remember how I came to Ponyville. I had met Grey Faerie one day in town. It was a rare day as we didn't often go to Petra. I remember how strange she looked but the chocolate! She was giving out free samples and they were soo good. She asked if I wanted to go back with her to the shop and I said yes. It smelled so good. It was warm and comfy. I had hot chocolate and talked to her about everything. I forgot to tell my parents were I was going. So, they were really mad when they found me.
My father went on about 'running off'. Grey defended me. Saying she didn't know I was with anyone. Then she offered me a job! Can you believe it? It was so strange and quick but she said I had just the attitude she was looking for. I remember walking from home to to town that first day. It was the first time in a long time that I've had something to look forward to.
I used to live in a place called The Grey land. It's official name is Dray Shire. I lived in a subsection called Rock Trot and the town's name was Petra. Pie Rock Farm, Petra, RT, DS is the mailing address I use to write to my family. It goes to the post office in town and they pick it up once a week.
She asked me to write about it. How I felt there. No buddy talked, no buddy smiled. It was like we were all dead. The walking dead in a land of grey. Not even my fleeting smile could bring comfort to my sisters for very long. There was nothing to do and nothing to look forward to.
I remember telling Grey all my secrets. How it was too easy to steal. It was too cold and strange at night for anyone to want to go out. I used to wander around town and look at the doors. I remember thinking, 'What did the dead need locks for?' After that, it was one long walk to Petra and back. It was just too easy. A loaf of bread here, a bottle of milk there. Dad didn't know. Mom pretended not to know. Things weren't very good on the farm. We were having some really bad money problems. It took all we had to even keep the farm. This was all before I could do something really good like throw that concert. I'm so glad things never got as bad as it had been in those days.
I remember one time just leaving during the day. Just left one day during lunch. There wasn't anything to have anyway. I remember thinking, 'The dead aren't very attention to the living'. I snuck into town and took a loaf of bread. I came back and shared it with my sisters. I took them I used my pay from the shop. They didn't know yet that I was saving up to leave.
It wasn't a very sad day when I left. One less mouth to feed and a chance for some extra income. A part of my paycheck still goes to them. The Cakes know why but don't pry. My sister were scared. Would they have to leave the farm like I did? How would they live out there? What would they do? I was always the strongest one. I kept them going in the the greyest of times. It's kinda ironic my savoir was a grey pony.
Grey took me away to Ponyville. She had brought me there a few times before. It was so great! I remember throwing parties and having fun. She went here on business. I remember wondering why I was to live with The Cakes. It turned out, they owed her a favor. She had given them a few of her chocolate recipes. They had no children then. But they were so kind! They loved me and we became such good friends.
I remember how scared I was at first. I was to live there. In a place were I felt stupid and dull. I had to catch up with everypony else in schooling but I still feel like I've missed too much. I remember the guilt. I mean, I was living in a freaking bakery! Surrounded by food. Surrounded my everything I could ever need. For the first few weeks, I sent every cent I made to that house in Rock Trot. I tapered off after a while. I held parties and had fun. I didn't feel like I was a freak with a useless talent. I knew I was welcome and they didn't care how weird or odd I was. I could cheer up the hopeless. Instead of hopelessly trying to cheer up ponies who never want to be happy.
Dear Journal,
I'm feeling better now. I had been feeling really down lately. I guess it was because of all the stress of changing myself. But, there was more to it. I was so tired of being sad. I hated feeling unhappy or depressed. I had made up with my friends. That alone put a bit of spunk back into me. But there were a lot of other things I'm dealing with. The one thing that's made me really happy is the party I'm organizing for a local arcade. Though, I think it's the working part that's making me feel better; more than the party part. Work helps to get my mind off of everything.
I can't help but put a little skip in my step. I've really gone all out. The party is going to be Pirate themed and I even managed to budget in a few actors to play as the scoundrels! I have a plank build over the ball pit for them to walk! The food is all themed as well. I even gets to dress up! This is going to be so much fun.
It's just so stressful! I love party planning. It's what I do, but ugh, sometimes I wish it were easier. I've got so much to do and the decorations were late. Luckily, they came only a half an hour later than they were supposed to. Gosh, I got to take a break. Thanks for letting me vent.
The afternoon sun was warm. A breeze swept over the lake bringing the smell of water. It was a little humid by the lake but the shade was nice. Pinkie's sitting by the lake again, taking a break from reality. It felt good to get away from the town and work. She breathed in the humid air and closed her eyes.
When it started raining. Pinkie snapped open her eyes and her mouth opened to gasp when it dripped in. It smelled and tasted like chocolate. Pinkie's smile broke across her face and she tilted her mouth up.
"Ahhh." Pinkie's tongue flopped out. There was a chuckle and Pinkie opened her eyes to see Discord peeking over the top.
"You looked like you needed some cheering up. On a normal day, this would be the best option." he said morosely.
"Luckily, this happens to a normal day." she grinned, "In fact, so normal that the very grass should be candy and the flowers, licorice!"
He smiled widely. "Now that's the Pinkie I know and love." He snapped his fingers.
"Love? I thought you only liked me. I didn't know you meant you like-liked me." she said playfully. A blush spread across his face. Pinkie smiled at him.
"NO TIME TO LOSE! I want that lake filled with soda and a sea worthy vessel on there ASAP!"
"Aye aye captain." Discord replied saluting.
Dear Glitter J,
It's been so long since I've last had this much fun! I really liked hanging out with Dizzy again. I really do like him and he likes me too! Me, just me. We had fun and laughed and it was all so great. We hugged goodbye and promised to meet up again. It was so great but then I start doubting everything. I get happy and distracted for the moment but once the moments gone, all these unwanted, unhappy thoughts start coming in. Should I continue with this whole thing? Should I go back to the way I was? How different is everything now? It's not even about a diet anymore! I don't know. I really want to talk to Grey but she's visiting her sister. I should talk to the rest of the girls. But I'm nervous.
The party was great, the ponies less so. I don't want to talk about it. I'm just really confused. Ponies don't like you went you're fat, you lose weight, then they tell you to eat a hayburger and make fun of eating salads. I'm not totally thin yet. I still get comments on my weight. I just didn't realize it was the other way around too. What do ponies like? How can I be that pony everyone loves? Thick or thin, maybe I'm just not cut out to be pretty.
Pinkie sits by the window looking bored. She sits unsmiling even as Mrs. Cake puts down a plate of treats and tea. The shop is closed today. Mr. Cake plays with the twins in the dinning room play area. Pinkie sits, lost in thought about nothing.
"Maybe we should do something." Mrs. Cake whispers to her husband.
"Sugar bun, I don't think there is much we can do."
"But just look at her!" she said in a harsh whisper, "She's not herself anymore. She's getting thin and..and..I'm just so worried. I don't know what to do."
"Calm down. I'll go talk to her."
"Okay."
Mr. Cake walked over to Pinkie. He smiled at her tried to think up something to talk about.
"Hey Pinkie! Oh, I see you got some of the new cookie flavors. Which one is your favorite so far?"
"Huh, oh, I haven't tried them just yet."
"Okay, well tell me when you do." He smiles. He looked back at his wife. She frowned and urged him on. "But why the long face? It sure is a nice day outside."
"Yeah. But I guess I'm just tired."
"Tired? Maybe you've just been inside for too long. You should go out and have some fun with your friends. Get some sunshine and fresh air."
"I got some yesterday. I hung out with Discord." Pinkie perked up noticeably.
"Oh really? What'd you do?"
"Went swimming. Had a ship battle. He wanted to turn the lake into a flooded coliseum but I thought that would be too disruptive."
"That's good. I'm so happy to hear you two are friends again! It seems like everything is getting better. You've already made up with your other friends and now with Discord! Maybe you need a cookie or two to celebrate." He nudged her.
"Okay, maybe. But I'm still on a diet." she giggled.
"A few cookies isn't going to suddenly make you gain everything back. And besides, what about when the diet ends? You'll going to have cookies then."
"When the diet...ends?"
Pinkie hadn't thought about that. It ends? What will she do after it ends? There's an end to it? But if she ends it, won't that mean she's going back to how things were before? To the same Pinkie who started this whole thing.
"Yeah, diets are only for so long. Anyway, celebrate small victories and get back to me about flavors, okay?" he smiled and walked back to Mrs. Cake. She looked relieved. Pinkie felt like her world had just crumbled.