//------------------------------//
// I'm only mostly insane! 
// Story: Discord Writes a Ship Fic 
// by Phoenix Quill 
//------------------------------//

As Discord finished the last words of his story, he looked up at the wall clock above the doorway and smiled slightly. "Looks like it's time to get to the meeting." He carefully chucked the typewriter as hard as he could at the picture of Princess Cadence that hung over an empty spot on the floor. 

The typewriter's bell chimed loudly as it bounced off the wall, leaving a small crack in its wake before heading to the floor, only for a small black hole to open up and take it to an alternate dimension. There, it would be found by a lanky creature that descended from ape like primates, and always wore outfits, despite how uncomfortable they were in the middle of summer. He then took the machine apart and made custom jewelry that nobody bought, or wanted.

Discord meanwhile, looked at his latest story, and placed it down gently on his desk. "I'll have to work out the bugs later with that idiot I hired." He looked up at the clock, and saw that it was almost noon and grinned wide. "Alrighty then, time for the big company meeting." He clapped his hands, and did a flip through the air before grabbing a microphone off his desk and flipping a switch. After a few moments, Discord struck three chimes on a small xylophone, and spoke into it. "Attention employees, attention employees. This is Discord, your humble boss, reminding you that this will be a sort of working lunch, and you will be paid overtime for this. Staff meeting in the cafeteria, repeat, staff meeting in the cafeteria. That is all."

As soon as he dropped the microphone down, he could hear the entire staff groan loud enough to actually shake the building to the foundation. "My work is done here!" Discord called gleefully as he walked out the door and hopped on the back of the waiting giant chinchilla, and rode it to the cafeteria.





At the same time that Discord had taken the massive rodent ride down the slip n' slide hallways of the Ministry of Practical Chaos, a blue unicorn happily trotted down Silk Street. His saddlebags were full of new clothes from the finest shops, and he could not help but feel sharp in his brand new suit. The suit was a nice deep black with a purple vest, silver buttons, a black shirt and an all silk purple tie. 

As he trotted down the street, he turned onto the Sunrise Strip and had his olfactory nerve assaulted by the delightful aromas of the finest food he never could imagine eating before. "Well, It's almost lunch, perhaps a quick bite."

He made his way down the wide street, keeping to the side as carriages sped past him, the ponies pulling these were clearly without a care in the world, other than to get where they need to be on time. Quickly pausing to check the bit bag, he grinned to see that he had barely put a dent into the coins, and found a restaurant that clearly served the epitome of good taste. Adjusting his collar, the stallion lifted his muzzle into the air, closed his eyes and made sure that his new derby was properly balanced on his head, then stepped inside the building with all the airs of royalty.

"Welcome to Greasy's Chili Burger Palace, if it ain't got the shack, take it back. How can I take your order, m'lord...?" The pony behind the counter asked, unsure of herself about the status of the pony before her. If he is royalty, what's he doing in a place like this? If he isn't why is he acting like such a snoot? She thought to herself quietly.

The blue stallion looked through his sunglasses with a look of disinterest at the menu board for a few moments before speaking. "Hmm, yes. Is this all that you have available? I have a, sophisticated sense of taste."

The mare behind the counter groaned slightly before answering. "No sir, this is Greasy's Chili Burger Palace. We serve vegetarian burgers with a scoop of chili and mustard on the bread and some vegetables. This isn't The Mint, so again I ask, how can I help you, sir?"

The stallion groaned slightly before responding properly. "I suppose I'll have the number one."

"The Greasy's original with chili fries and a cola?" The mare questioned. The stallion nodded and she wrote the order down before taking the pony's bits. She stopped and suddenly narrowed her eyes at him. "Say, don't I know you from somewhere?"

The unicorn began to sweat slightly as he adjusted the collar on his shirt. "I don't know what you mean."

"Yeah, you're that one pony from the airship yards, oh, what's your name... I'm so terrible with names."

"Look Day Shift, I really don't know who you are, but I just want to get my food and go, is that too much to ask?"

The mare stopped wracking her brain and tried her best to smile, but it only came off as a tired look. "I'm sorry, I guess you just have the face of that pony I used to know. He was such a dreamer, right up until he got arrested. He often dressed like nobility too when he wasn't at work." She smiled as she remembered his memory fondly, then turned around and grabbed the order, passed it to him and then froze. "Wait, how do you know my name?!"

The stallion froze. A puff of smoke belched out of his ears from the sudden increase of brain activity before he magically grabbed the food and dashed out the door. "Thanks for your help, keep the change as a tip!"

As he continued to make his getaway from the mare, his mind kept spinning, new memories suddenly flooding his mind. His job, his co-workers, what he did and what the punishment was. What a fool! How could I forget? I just, I need to go somewhere, my neighbor. He might remember me! Wait, who's that pony? The last thought did not seem too important until the pony in question slammed into his side, sending the unicorn into a puddle. "YOU IDIOT! Do you know how hard it is to get these suits clean?!"

The purple earth pony shrugged as she lifted her propeller beaney cap and pulled a piece of calk out from under it. "I'm coming to take you away, ha ha! I'm coming to take you away, to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time!"

"Wait, WHAT?! I'm not mad!"

"Oh but you must be, if you work for Discord. It's time for a mandatory meeting, come along." As she spoke, the mare drew what could loosely be described as a door on the side of a brick wall, and knocked three times. "My name's Screwball, what's yours new guy?"

He began to answer, but stopped short when a name did not come up to the surface of his mind. Instead he simply shook his head and said, "I don't remember."

Screwball frowned slightly as the brick wall swung open where she drew the door. "You don't remember? Well then, lets take a look at you." Faster than he could imagine, the purple earth pony zipped around him, and looked him over from his red and yellow hair, to his blue coat and eyes, then quickly zoned in on his flank.

"Do you mind?" He asked with no small amount of annoyance.

"Not at all." She responded flatly as she continued to stare at his cutie mark. "A feather, I take it you write?"

He dumbly nodded at the question as she backed away and thought about it. Meanwhile, other ponies passing by continued to stare at the spectacle of the impossible door, before stamping away with their muzzles in the air from the behavior of the two ponies before it. Finally she smiled and began to shove him through the doorway. "Congratulations, your new name is Feather Flank."

The unicorn tried to stop her from shoving him in, unsure about the doorway and definitely sure he did not like the name. "That's a dumb name! Come on, can't you think of anything better than Feather Flank?"

Screwball continued to push the stallion as if he didn't weigh a single pound, continuing to talk all the while. "Well I've got to call you something!"

"Well, Discord calls me Author, or You, can't I just continue that trend?"

"He also calls you Idiot, do you really want that one to spread?"

"I suppose not." He noticed that he was almost upon the door, and dug is rear hooves into the bricks on either side. "Come on, there's got to be anything other than that?"

Screwball sighed deeply and finally eased up on the pushing. "You're not going to go with me until we resolve this?"

"Not a snowballs chance in Tartarus."

"Very well then." Screwball said before tossing aside her beany and replacing it with an over the top hat marked, thinking cap. She screwed her face and stared at the pony with her swirling eyes, leaving the stallion in a very uneasy state. Finally, the little light bulb atop the cap began to blink on and off and make a squeaking sound. "I've got it!" Again, everypony that happened to be nearby gave the duo a harsh look before moving on. "I'll call you Wordsmith. Now come on Wordsmith, we're gonna be late! Don't forget your lunch."

At long last, the two entered the door, Wordsmith still wet on his right side, but his belongings nice and dry including his lunch. The door slammed behind them, and he turned around to look only to find a solid wall made of a material he had never seen before. "Hey where are we?"

"Ministry of Practical Chaos, from the looks of it we're just a few halls away from the cafeteria. Come on!" The pair galloped off quickly, only for Wordsmith to get left behind when Screwball began to use her beany to fly. "Hey, do you know how to ride?"

Wordsmith faltered slightly and nearly tripped before answering. "I don't think that's an appropriate thing to ask a coworker!"

Screwball facehooved before answering. "No, that's not what I. Nevermind, hop on a ton-ton and hang tight!" She then landed directly on the back of what almost looked like a giant white kangaroo with spiral horns, wrapped her hooves around it's neck and grabbed onto the reigns attached to a crude bridal, and took off. "Come on! We'll be late!"

Wordsmith watched as the ton-ton began to bound down the hallway, carrying the laughing Screwball with it. He looked and saw another hanging by the wall. He swallowed down some of the excess saliva that gathered in his mouth, grabbed the reigns and hopped on. "I've got a bad feeling about this." Soon enough he caught up with the laughing Screwball, screaming all the way.





Discord drummed his fingers against the surface of the raised table at the far end of the cafeteria. Impatient as always, he looked at the clock on the wall, then a watch on his wrist, then the sundial outside the window that should not exist in the first place. "Where's Screwball and the new guy, can't start without them." He mumbled to himself as he tugged on his beard.

The door burst open suddenly as two ton-tons bounded into the room with a pair of familiar ponies riding atop them, one whooping and hollering while waiving a hat in the air, the other clutched for dear life. "Sorry we're late boss! But this guy just can't seem to find food, he brought a lunch though!" She pointed at her charge with a hoof smiling wide, just the ton-ton bucked him off and sent the stallion flying across the room, reeking of mildew and ton-ton whatsit.

A few ponies quickly galloped over to him, offering him napkins, and solutions to clean him up, and one even asked if he needed help getting up, or if he was okay. "I'm fine, just... back off." He spoke politely, but curt all at once as he rose and quickly cast a cleaning spell on himself and his clothes, once again looking like the peak of high society. "Wordsmith, reporting for work, sir."

Discord flicked his fang in an amused manner. "Wordsmith? I take it you remember who you are now?"

"Actually sir, I named him! Can I get a bonus now? Huh, huh? Can I? Please?" Screwball asked Discord as she bounced around him like a puppy.

"Oh, very well." He replied with a smile as he passed her a Bonus™ candy bar. 

"YAY!" Screwball said with a squiel before running off to enjoy the munchy crunchy chocolaty goodness of a Bonus™ with her working lunch.

"Right, now that you are all here, I would like to have a short round of introductions for the new guy. Everyone, this is Wordsmith." Everyone in the room said hi Wordsmith with the exact same of non-enthusiasm before Discord continued. "Now, Wordsmith, I would like to introduce you to a slew of ponies that I can remember the names of, and if I forget you, don't feel bad, just work harder and I'll notice you. Now, there's Flim and Flam, they are the heads of R and D. Random Thought, he's the pony that keeps the business running smooth because I need a reminder. Screwball is in charge of security and does double time work by assisting in the labs. Labcoat is that fine unicorn over there, she runs the chem lab. Then we have the group of Smiths, there's Tunesmith, Blacksmith, Poopsmith, and John Smith."

At the mention of each of the ponies names called out thus far, they would give a smile or wave at Wordsmith, up until John Smith was called. The tan earthpony was busy playing with what looked like a metal wand with a blue light on the end. After a few moments, Discord harrumphed at him. Immediately, John Smith looked up and saw what was going on, and smiled abashedly before hiding the device under his collar, and adjusting his tie. "You can call me Doctor."

Discord rolled his eyes at the statement before moving on. "Now let's get back to it, there in the back, that's Dark Star and his wife Essence, they are doing intern work to reduce their sentence, some sort of music related mob crime, I don't know. Fluttershy here is in charge of Animal Care, and only works once in a while to help out with the gophers, who you will be working with often." She gave off a small squeak before hiding under the table as best as she could before Wordsmith could zone in on her. 

"There's also, Beaker, Bunsen Burner, Burnt Toast, Pyro, Engineer, Spy, and Heavy. Gordon Freemane, the Ink Brothers, Red, Blue and Black, then there's the Great and Powerful Trixie, and Gilda, who are a pair of our test subjects. Lastly we have, Tom Neigher, Reality Shift, Deep Thought, Shallow Thought, High Brow, Low Brow, our lawyer Silver Tongue, our accountant Pay Cut, our gryphons in charge of marketing Hans and Francine. And, most important of all, Scruffy. The janitor."

Discord smiled as Wordsmith tried to memorize all the names just fed to him, and seemed to have failed ever so slightly as his eyes were swirling as bad as Screwballs. "Well, I think that's everypony important enough to mention, ponies you'll be working with every day. Did I miss anyone?"

A few hooves shot into the air, and Discord was about to ask for names, when suddenly a voice came in from the hall. "You forgot about me, Discord." He looked to the opposite end of the room, and saw Princess Celestia and Luna standing in the doorway. "You always seem to forget about me." Celestia said with a tone of disdain in her voice before heading in, her sister in tow.

"What do you two want?"

"We heard that you were having a company meeting during lunch today," Luna said with a smile. "And as Celestia and I own a controlling share in the business of your ministry, we have decided to see what is going on."

Discord stood dumbly as the two princesses sat down among the rest of the ponies as if they belonged there. Once seated the two princesses pulled out a set of sandwiches to eat, and Luna felt a tap on her wing. "Pardon me princess, but would you care to swap lunches with me? I've got P-B and J."

Luna smiled at the mare and quickly traded. "Deal, I never liked alfalfa sprouts anyway." The two swapped to the delight of both Luna, and Labcoat, and Celestia's annoyance.

Discord coughed into his paw before he sat down at the table, and opened his lunch, a simple burrito, and took a giant bite out of it. Celestia stood up from her seat and looked across at Discord. "Excuse me, but do you think you can tell us what's so important that you had to call a meeting?"

Discord gave off a sigh, then pulled a sheet of paper out from the thin air to read it from behind a pair of cat eye style glasses. "Leave it to old buzz kill to bring down the party. Alright, first real announcement, due to our latest venture with the military, the minister of war may have declared a small war on us. But rest assured, Celestia will not allow this to continue, right?"

"Naturally," Celestia said with a smile. "If he actually tries to do something, I'll releave him of command, or send him on a hunt for Cthulhu. Nopony ever returns from that one." As she finished her sentance, the lighting went dark around her eyes, and a quartet of violins began to screech, only to come to a dead stop as Celestia smiled innocently, letting everything return to normal. "Carry on."

Everyone in the room stared at Celestia in silence for a few moments, and Discord could not help but drop his glass of melon berry twist punch to the ground, shattering it. All at once everyone in the room scooted away from the princess, causing the room to reverbarate with the sound of chairs scooting. 

Discord cleared his throat and carried on. "Right, the next order of business, what's new from the labs? Flim, Flam?"

The two ponies stood up and gave their best smiles before taking off their hats and making way to the front. "Your honor Discord, and your majesties Princess Celestia and Luna."

"My brother Flim and I have something marvelous to tell you."

"Imagine, a razor blade that could be used by earthponies, without having to ask a unicorn or other pony for help!" The room burst with a small smattering of approval of the idea, while Flim smiled, then continued. "Well forget about that idea."

"Blew up in our faces."

"But from the blast, we found that we had accidentally discovered this! We call it,"

"The super electron!" The duo spoke at the same time, and with their magic held up what appeared to be exactly what they said it was, an electron that had somehow managed to inflate several million times too large. 

"Now, we aren't sure what we can do with it."

"But I think it's a pretty snazzy device, what say you Princess Luna?"

Luna stood, and made her way to the front of the room. "I'm not sure what I think of it, sister, would you come and look at this?"

"I can think of only one thing to do with such a big electron myself." Celestia said with a smile. "Send it to the moon!"

On the side of the room, a gryphon with a keyboard began to smash the keys and sang loudly, "Giant useless electron, send it to the moon!" As he finished the song, Celestia did just that, and it disappeared forever.

"Thank you Flim Flam brothers." Discord said with a bored tone. "And now we have here a note from Screwball, about dress codes." Discord read the sheet of paper a few times, then laughed slightly. "Yeah, that's interesting ideas you have there. But I got a better one. Anyone want to hear it?" The room filled with bursts of applause. "Well then, I wanna tell you a true story."

The gryphon with the keyboard was suddenly joined by a violinist, a drummer, a guitarist, and an accordian player. They all nodded to each other and began to play a very distinct gypsy style song. Discord let the beat go for a few seconds then began to sing.

"Start wearing purple, wearing purple.
Start wearing purple for me now.
All your sanity and wits, they will all vanish,
I promise, it's just a matter of time.
As he stopped, the music picked up slightly, and he jumped in again standing up with his missmatched hands in the air.

So yeah, ha,
Start wearing purple, wearing purple!" The other ponies in the room, all except Celestia all stood at the end of this line and sang, "LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!"

"Start wearing purple for me now,
All your sanity and wits, they will all vanish,
I promise, it's just a matter of time!"

"I know you since you were a twenty, I was twenty,
and thought that some years from now,
a purple little little lady will be perfect,
for dirty old and useless clown."

"HOLD IT HOLD IT HOLD IT!" Celestia yelled suddenly, bringing the music to a standstill. "Did you get a license for this music?"

Discord stood there dumbstruck for a few seconds before answering dumbly. "Er, well that is to say, I had meant to file for a musical moment today."

"No excuses. Meetings over. Come Luna." With that said, she made her way out the door, taking her sister with her pleading to let her stay for another song.

The rest of the room waited in silence, until the tell tale flash of a pony teleporting away lit the hallway. "So, where was I? Ah yes." The music started up once again as Luna ran back to join in the sing along.

"So yeah, ha,
Start wearing purple, wearing purple! A-LA-LA-LA-LA!
Start wearing purple for me now!
All your sanity and wits, they will all vanish!
I promise, it's just a matter of time!





A little over two hours later, Wordsmith was reclining in his new office chair and smiling to himself wide as Discord walked around the desk. "Rather nice isn't it? I try to make sure that everypony has there own space to work."

He nodded in reply as he pulled a quill out of a small pot that held them. "Incredible, if such a job existed a year ago, I would have been here instead of at the docks." He sat up straight and looked over the large desk, taking in the small monitor for the computer to his left, the classic type writer to his right, and the stack of papers ready to be used. "So what am I supposed to do here anyway?"

"Oh, whatever Random Thought, Screwball or I bring in here for you to do. Mostly paperwork. But for now, it's time for you to give out that lesson on how to write better stories."

Wordsmith nodded at the statement and quickly slid the typewriter to his boss. "There are a few simple rules I'm going to give you right now, write them down and you can try them out next time and see if you become more popular." Discord nodded and fed the paper into the machine, and magically let it type, The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. Satisfied that it was working properly he nodded and let him continue. "First, try to make references to something you have already written in the past."

As the typewriter hammered out what Wordsmith said, Discord raised an eagle claw into the air. "Excuse me, but no one read any of my past stories, why would I do that?"

"It gives the world you create a sense of unity, so if somepony did not read one of your older works, they would have to backtrack, therefore, boosting your numbers in the ratings."

Discord nodded as the typewriter continued to hammer out the words. He then waved a paw to let him know to continue. "Secondly, always write what you feel you have to write. If you wouldn't read it, don't write it. Next, stay on top of the papers to see what's trending in the media and in pop culture. Ponies love it if you reference something they know about! Last, and certainly most important, always check your story before you send it in. Make sure that it has proper grammar, punctuation, and spelling, and meets at least two thousand words if it's the first chapter, and two thousand five hundred if it's a one shot."

"Why two thousand?"

"Because, the minimum for Equestria Daily is two thousand five hundred for a one shot, and three thousand if it's two chapters or more. You want to get on E-Q-D, that's where the real fame is at."

The typewriter continued to punch out the words spoken by Wordsmith, until it finally dinged and spat out the rest of the paper. "Now that you know, take this paper home with you and use it to your advantage."

Discord gave off a smile as he read the paper, and sent it to his room in the castle. "Very well, I've aranged a room for you close to mine in the palace, I hope to see you after work." He turned and quickly left Wordsmith alone in the office.

"Easiest work I've ever done." He muttered to himself as he placed his rear hooves on the desk. That's when Screwball came in.

"Hey, I got a huge pile of paperwork for you to go through and make sure is all legal, and retype if needed and then send to the departments where they belong." She then brought a small cart through the door, filled to the brim with so much paper it almost scraped the top of the doorway.

"I spoke too soon."