//------------------------------// // What Not to Do in Ponyville: Part 2, Trouble on the Farm! // Story: A Schizophrenic's Guide to Equestria // by Soulsilver //------------------------------// We ran as fast as we could towards the farm, hoping to get there before the damage became irreversible. Because of his shorter legs Spike quickly started to fall behind, so Pinkie picked him up and placed him on her back. It looked cute, but we had more important things to worry about. As we got to the farm, we saw several ponies running around with buckets of water on their heads, fighting to put out the fires. I briefly noted that they have amazing balance before looking around for Applejack. I spotted her galloping towards the well to get more water and ran to catch up with her. "Applejack! What happened?!" She stopped and turned her head to me. "JD! Pinkie, Spike! Oh thank Celestia, we need more ponies to help put out the fires!" "What happened?" asked Spike as he hopped down from Pinkie's back. "Ah don't know, fires just started sprouting up all over! It was probably some no good teenage dragons lookin' tah cause trouble! No offence, Spike." "None taken" He ran ahead and grabbed a bucket of water. I turned to Pinkie. "Pinkie, you're a fast runner, right?" She nodded. "I need you to run as quickly as you can and get as many pegasi as you can, and get them to bring some clouds and make it rain on all the fires, okay?" She gave a salute before zooming away with a pink blur. I turned back to Applejack. "I'll help as much as I can util they get back." She nodded and I grabbed five buckets, two on each arm and one in my mouth, before I ran off to put out some fires. I was down to my last bucket when a large herd...flock...formation? A bunch of pegasi flew over the farm with some rain clouds. They flew them over the flames across the farm and started jumping up and down on them like trampolines, causing rain to pour from them. 'Ponies are weird.' 'I agree, but things are certainly easier with them around.' "Ah think that's all of em." Applejack said as she trotted over to me. "That was some quick thinkin', sending Pinkie to fetch the weather team. Ah'm glad ya did, too, otherwise we mighta lost more than half the crop." "It was nothing. Pinkie was the one who went and got them, I just told her what to-" "AAAAAAAGGGHH!" A scream sounded from deeper into the orchard. Applejack's eyes widened. "That sounded like Applebloom!" We ran towards where the scream came from, dodging trees until we came to a clearing that seemed like half a dozen apple trees had been burnt completely to ash. My eyes darted to the centre. 'What.' 'The.' 'Fuck.' In the centre Applebloom was cowering before something that, even in Equestria, the land of magical talking ponies that can literally control the passage of day and night, I never expected to see. It was a Houndoom. No, I don't mean it looked similar to a Houndoom, it was the actual fucking Pokemon Houndoom. And it was staring at Applebloom, looking very hungry. Applejack was about to charge at it, but I held out my arm to stop her. "Don't. If you do that, you'll get the both of you killed." I whispered, as the FUCKING REAL AS SHI- Houndoom hadn't noticed us yet. "I'll go in there and draw it away from her, and while it's distracted you run in and get her out of here." "What about you?" "I'll be fine, just be ready." Not letting her try to argue with me, I grasped my bucket and ran into the clearing. "Hey, dogbreath!" I yelled. It looked at me and growled, just before I trapped the bucket of water around it's snout. "Now Applejack!" Thankfully she didn't hesitate and ran in, picked up her sister and ran back out. The bucket didn't last long, however, and the Pokemon blew it apart with a fireball. It growled at me angrily as smoke rose from it's nostrils. I smiled. 'Well Wrath, you've always said you could take a Pokemon in a fight, now's your chance to prove it.' 'Hahahahahah! FINALLY! And I get to kill it too?' 'Maybe. We'll see how it goes. Just try to knock it out for now.' HAHAHAH! 'This is the best day ever!' 'A Wild Houndoom Appeared! What will Wrath do?' Wrath took control. "I think I'll start with something simple." He ran straight up to it, dodging the fireball it shot at us, and punched it square in the chest. It got knocked back a couple of feet, but it didn't seem to do much damage. "Tough guy, huh?" 'Wrath used Pound! It wasn't very effective...' The Houndoom charged at us, but Wrath jumped, and spun himself in the air as he grabbed it's horns, throwing it into the sky. It actually got fairly high before falling back down and crashing into the ground. I quickly got back up, but it was clearly hurt. 'Wrath used Seismic Toss! It was super-effective!' Wrath attempted to get a punch in, but the Houndoom dodged it, before biting us in the arm, puncturing the skin deeply. 'Wrath used Mach Punch! But it missed! The Houndoom used bite! Critical hit!' 'I'm really glad we can't feel pain when Wrath's in control.' "Would you two shut up?" He threw the Pokemon off of our arm. It landed near the edge of the clearing. "I've got an idea." He grinned evilly. He charged straight at the Houndoom. It blew a large amount of flame at us, but Wrath just ran straight through it like it wasn't there. He picked it up by the front paws and started swinging in circles, going faster until he got near the trees, at which point he slammed it into one of them. It fell to the ground and stayed still, save for the rise and fall of it's chest. 'Wrath used Vital Throw! It was super-effective! The wild Houndoom fainted! Wrath gained 2000 experience points!' "What, no level up? What a rip off." We turned around to leave back the way we came, but five more Houndoom jumped into the clearing and advanced on us. "Hey, that isn't fair! Pokemon X and Y don't come out for two and a half months! Horde battles aren't a thing yet!" They didn't take notice of his complaints, and all charged at once. Fortunately, a large rain cloud appeared overhead and drenched the five Pokemon, stopping their assault. Twilight and Applejack ran into the clearing, and Rainbow Dash flew in from above. I took control back from Wrath as the hoard of Houndoom backed up a bit, liking their odds less. "Hey girls, these things are dangerous. Make sure to hit hard and then quickly get out of their way, otherwise you'll end up as a spit-roast." They grimaced at the imagery, and were about to charge the Pokemon, when all of their heads looked behind them in response to something we couldn't hear. Before we could do anything, all five of them glowed an ominous dark purple before disappearing. Twilight turned to me. "James, what were those-oh my Celestia, James what happened to you?!" She yelled as her eyes widened. I wondered why she was using my full name for a moment before looking down at myself. As I examined the bite wound and large burn mark on my chest, I realised that I could feel pain again. "Oh Jesus, that hurts like hell!" 'You wuss.' "And I only got these clothes from Rarity just earlier! Good going you idiot, running straight into it's flame-thrower." I said as I hit my head with my good arm. I felt a hoof at my side and looked down to see Twilight looking at me, worried. "Come on, James. We need to get those wounds looked at." She leaned herself against my leg. I was confused as to why, but I realised that Wrath had snapped one of our ankles during the fight, and the pain was just mingling with the rest of my body's agony. "Damn it." I supported myself against her and we all made our way back, Twilight levitating the unconscious Houndoom behind us. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I can't believe you fought that thing all by yourself! And did it really breath fire?" "No, Rainbow Dash, I saw a tree on fire and decided to hug it to make it feel better." After we got back to the front of the farm we all rested in the barn. Everypony was trying to ask me questions, but Rainbow Dash kept butting in. She was about to ask another question, but thankfully Twilight cast a spell and made a zipper appear over her mouth. "Thank you." I sighed. "So what were those things?" She asked as she pulled the brash pegasus out of the way. "They are called Houndoom. They hunt in packs, eats smaller creatures for food, and yes, breath fire." "Are they common in your world?" "Nope. They don't even exist. They're fictional." Twilight turned to look at the unconscious Pokemon trapped inside a transparent purple cube. "That doesn't look very fictional to me." I nodded. "I can only assume that when I was sucked into this world, things from other worlds were also sucked in. In this case, a pack of Houndoom." "I don't think we should keep it locked up." Fluttershy said, and even though she said it softly, everybody's heads shot straight to her. "It was probably just scared and didn't mean it." Rainbow spoke up as she managed to unzip her mouth somehow. "Uh, no offence Flutters, but they almost burnt down Sweet Apple Acres, and THIS one actually tried to eat Applebloom. That doesn't seem like they were afraid." "Actually," I said. "You're both right. They probably didn't choose to attack the orchard by themselves, which means that it isn't really their fault. It's their trainer's fault." They just looked at each other an shrugged their shoulders at the same time. "Okay, look, in the world where they came from, Houndoom are a species of Pokemon, of which there are a wide variety of, some amazing and powerful, others small and cute. But almost none of them are inherently evil, they only attack when threatened. "A trainer is a human who raises Pokemon. They catch them in devices called Pokeballs, which allows for a bond to grow between them. Some people keep them as pets, but others like to pit their Pokemon against other trainers Pokemon in battles in order to strengthen their bond and Jesus Christ when did I turn into Professor Oak?" I shook my head. "Okay, long story short, they wouldn't have done what they did unless they were told to by their trainer." "Which means that we've got to find this guy and kick his flank before he can strike again!" Rainbow Dash declared. "Yeah, pretty much. Unfortunately, we have no idea where he could be, and if he can teleport his Pokemon, then they can strike anywhere. Twilight, will you contact the princess and tell her that Equestria should be put into alert?" "On it!" Called Spike from Twilight's back. He pulled some parchment and a quill from the saddlebags at Twilight's sides and started writing. "Make sure she knows how dangerous these things are. If their flames burn you, they hurt forever." I rubbed my bandaged chest. "Usually." Fluttershy insisted that she wrap me in some special healing bandages, but all of my wounds had already completely healed by the time we got to the barn. Even my broken ankle. Have you ever felt a bone break? Now imagine it doing that in reverse. It feels just as painful. 'Still need to figure out why I heal so fast.' 'Why do you care? All we need is someone to turn our bones into adamantium and we're practically Wolverine!' 'Yeah, I don't really mind being unable to die. It allows me to end the lives of more things.' "Ah reckon we aughta figure out what made ya'll come to Equestria in th' first place. The way Ah see it, whatever caused it is responsible for what happened...and what almost happened..." I nodded. "There's no human technology that I'm aware of that's capable of creating rifts in space-time that are capable of traversing alternate realities, but the laws of physics are different here. Not to mention that two different creatures coming from two different universes into the same universe at roughly the same time makes it seem like it's something that is centred here. You girls wouldn't happen to know any bad-guys with god-like reality controlling powers with a penchant for causing mischief and creating chaos would you?" I joked. They all just looked awkwardly at each other. I pointed at them accusingly. "Oh no you don't! I know what you're doing! I refuse to believe that! You don't get to have magic, wings, dragons AND a Q, that just isn't fair!" I leaned back on the hay I was resting against. "Should I ask Celestia to send over Discord?" Spike asked. "Did somebody call my name?" asked an echoing voice that seemed to come from everywhere. Before we could say anything a blinding white flash filled the room, and when it disappeared a tall...something was standing in the centre of the barn. It seemed to be composed of several different creatures. It's head somewhat resembled a horse, but atop it laid two mismatched horns, one seemed to be from a stag, and the other from some kind of Chinese dragon. It had a- "Yes yes, enough exposition, they all know what I look like! You, on the other hand...." It looked me up and down. "You are something I haven't seen in a good long while, even for something like me." I ignored that and focused on the much more pressing matter. "Oh come on! You have a Q, AND it sounds EXACTLY like John De Lancie? Why the hell does my universe suck so damn much?!" He chuckled. "Well that explains it. You're from another universe. I was wondering why a human was here, considering you all fought your way into extinction. Oh, they truly knew how to cause trouble! I've always missed them, to be honest." "Enough o' this jibber-jabber!" Yelled Applejack as she stepped between us, before pointing at Discord. "You! Ah want to know why you're causin' all this here trouble!" He blinked, seemingly confused. "Me? I don't know what you're talking about." Applejack stomped her hoof down. "Enough o' your lies! I can barely stand you on a good day, but ah ain't toleratin' it today! Not if one of your thoughtless shenanigans was the reason mah little sister almost got eaten by a monster!" Discord glared at her. "One of the things I have never done, and will never do, my dear Applejack, is kill. Not even indirectly. Despite what Celestia might have you believe, I am not that cruel. And in answer to your accusations, no, I have no idea where those things are now, and nor am I the reason they are here. As amazing as I know you think I am, I don't have power over everything. Your new friend here is one of those things." He gestured to me. As usual, I was a part of two separate conversations. I've gotten used to keeping them that way, but I get no help from the other two. All they do is talk over everyone. This time was no different. 'So let me get this straight. We are currently in the same room as a reality controlling god like figure, who makes a habit of screwing with lessor creatures, and sounds exactly like John De Lancie.' 'Yeah it's pretty cool. Your point?' 'Why aren't we giving him sexual favours? I mean, he is everything I aspire to be! Move over Pinkie Pie, I'm in love with Discord!' 'You fell in love with a squirrel last week because it shat in some guys sandwich while he wasn't looking. And I mean actual romantic, "I want to marry and have sex with that" love.' 'I fail to see your point.' I shushed them both as I noticed Discord studying me intently, with his hand on his chin. "Uhhhh....what?" He snapped out of his concentration. "Huh? Oh, nothing. You just have an awful lot of voices in there." My eyes widened and my jaw slackened as I tried to form a coherent response, but he just shrugged. "Oh well, I'm sure it isn't important. But oh my, look at the time! I had best be off!" He floated off the ground for a short distance before stopping. "Oh, before I forget." He snapped his talons somehow. The letter in Spike's hands flashed in a white light, and was suddenly a bird made out of paper. And there were over a hundred of them. Another flash and they were gone. "What did you do?!" Twilight yelled at him. "That was an urgent letter to the Princess!" Discord just rolled his eyes. "I know that, genius. I sent it to her. Now it's just in the form of a hundred paper birds. One for each word in the letter. And they will all be flying around her study, screaming their word over and over until she can catch them all and put them into order. Toodles!" He disappeared in a flash of light before Twilight could protest further. Instead she just groaned. I felt a breeze and looked down at myself. "Damn it, when did I get naked?!" 'I love that guy so much.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- NEXT TIME: A TRIP TO CANTERLOT!