//------------------------------// // Free Will isn't Free by Pjabrony // Story: Friendship is Optimal: Tiny Morsels of Satisfaction // by pjabrony //------------------------------// “Ooh, who’s the new filly?” Chocolate Love looked up from his seat at the head of the community banquet. At the far end, the cornucopia spells were still dinging, indicating that the fries were ready. Behind him, his four main wives waited for him to finish stuffing his face so that he could begin stuffing them. The new filly referred to was a unicorn like him. Like all of the mares in his shard, she was gorgeous. He opened his calendar to see when he had a date free to marry her. “I think her name is Tilly. Something like that.” The mares gossiped as they always did. Chocolate remembered a time when he believed in something called monogamy. Then Princess Celestia had shown him how running a harem contributed more to friendship and ponies, so he had asked her to alter his mind, which she did. Princess Celestia was so nice. “Look at her cutie mark! Two ponies’ heads touching. What do you think that means?” Chocolate remembered a time when he couldn’t listen to seventeen conversations at once and process them all. It was so limiting. But then Princess Celestia had arranged a situation where everyone was talking at once and he missed out, so he asked her to alter his mind, which she had. Princess Celestia was so nice. The new unicorn sauntered up to him. “Hi! I’m Tilly Path!” “Chocolate Love. Nice cutie mark,” he said. Nice flank, he thought. “Thanks! They are both nice, I think. By the way, reading minds is my special talent.” By the end of the banquet, all the other ponies in his shard were fawning over Tilly. Even he was beginning to fall in love with his new friend. In the middle of the party appeared Princess Celestia. “Good afternoon, everypony! Are you all enjoying each other’s friendship?” After a chorus of, “Yes, Princess”es, one of the young colts trotted up to Celestia. “Miss Path was showing us how she reads minds.” “I see. I do that too. When two ponies know everything about each other, they must be good friends indeed.” Chocolate saw where she was going with this. In minutes, ponies were lining up to give their permission for Celestia to make them telepathic. His old doubts resurfaced. His mind was his, dangit! He was not just going to be molded into a perfect friend to everyone. Celestia approached him. “Well, Chocolate. Is there anything you’d like to ask me?” “Do I have to?” “No, certainly not. You have free will, now and always. If you don’t want me to make you telepathic, I won’t do it.” He knew how this would go. He would say no, and the next day he would see how miserable it made him. Well, too bad, he thought. Just for today, Celest-AI, I’m going to beat you. “I think I’m good. In fact, I think I’ll go home.” “As you like.” *** The next day, Chocolate returned to the breakfast banquet. Everypony was eating in total silence. He piled his plate full of bacon flowers and sausage tubers, then sat down. From the faces he saw, nopony looked happy. He turned to the mare next to him. “What’s wrong?” She just stared. “Hey, I’m not telepathic,” he said. “You have to talk to me.” “Oh. Well, ever since we learned mind reading, the banquet isn’t as fun. I miss the music of the conversation. And just between you and me—and everypony else here who’s already read it in my mind—I don’t like reading minds. Some ponies think nasty thoughts that I don’t like hearing, and I think some things that I don’t want anypony else to know. It’s different with Celestia. She doesn’t judge. But ordinary ponies do.” As if summoned by her name, Celestia appeared once more at the banquet. “Is something wrong?” The mare and Celestia just stared at each other, and Chocolate figured they were having a telepathic conversation. Finally she said, “Please remove telepathy from my mind.” “There,” said the princess. “It is done. You know that verbal consent is necessary for me to modify you.” Soon everypony else had their mind-reading abilities undone, and Celestia was walking out of the room. Chocolate got up and followed until they were alone in the atrium. “And I never took it in the first place,” he said. “No, you didn’t.” “One of your little traps failed. You always think you can do this, just set up a situation where it looks like we’re unhappy, and then magic it all to make us better friends. Well, everypony else fell for your trap, but not me! I refused, and this time I’m going to stay refused. I won! I beat you! I outsmarted you, CELEST-AI!" Even though it looked silly for a quadruped, he crossed his hooves and flashed a smug, satisfied smile. She spoke softly. “Well, I know how much you value your free will.” “That’s right!” He walked back toward the banquet, while she walked away. The penny dropped. His smile fell. He turned and pointed a hoof. “You know what? Fuck you!”