//------------------------------// // 10. Anomalies // Story: The Mother City // by Quicksear //------------------------------// I’m beginning to think that the universe is having a game with me, seeing how many ways it can possibly weird me out within the first ten seconds of waking up. This for instance. Seriously, how the hell did I wake up with a mouthful of purple feathers?! At least Twilight looked amused with the situation, though it took me a moment to put the pieces together. “Uh...Marc?” I spluttered out the fine down before grinning lopsidedly. “Oh hiya Twi! What’s up?” She gave me a deadpan look. “You do know you’re using me as a blanket?” Now this wasn’t awkward at all. Firstly where was I, aside from under Twilights impressively cozy limb?. “Uh...when did we fall asleep, exactly?” She shook her head with an amused snort. “Not we, YOU. I’ve been lying here for about two hours waiting for you to get up!” I looked up at the moonlit sky and felt the damp on my clothes. Feeling the hard aluminium under me, I realized we were still on the roof of the bus. “Oh jeez, we never went inside? You know, Twi, you coulda just woken me up, or dragged my lazy ass to the house...” I chuckled. I felt nervous for some reason, but I ignored it. Twilight was giving me those eyes again. “Well, you looked happy enough, and I wanted to watch the moonrise. Plus,” She raised the wing that had previously been snuggled warmly over my chest up for my inspection, bearing a damp and slightly ruffled semicircular indentation in its leading edge feathers that looked disturbingly like teeth marks, “I couldn’t exactly pull away and risk my wing being chomped. Your teeth are really sharp by the way.” “Harr harr harr, Twi, “I pantomimed, before amending, “Actually, I’ll take that as a compliment, because omnivore over here. Hey, d’you know if Sarah woke up yet?” I was really looking forward to seeing her face when she saw all of the ponies again for the first time- “Yes, she woke up a few minutes ago.” Oh. Damn. I fell back onto the metal roof, moaning, “Aww, damn, I was really looking forward to that! You should have woken me up after all.” Then Twi did something strange. She winked at me, twisting her neck over till her eyes were a few inches from mine. “Who’s to say I didn’t?” She only chuckled at my gawking for a few seconds before standing and nudging me up too. “Come on, you haven’t missed the best part yet, we can catch it if we hurry.” Can’t say I reacted with much grace. Only so many lights you can shine on “Hubbawhaa...?”, though all pretense to dignity was lost when Twilight pretty much dragged me to the ladder. I salvaged my self-respect by sliding down the ladder to the ground in quite the awesome fashion, but yet again, Twilight trumped me. There is no real way I could top her ethereal, graceful swoop from the roof, down to the ground, her perfect arc trailing a faint magenta aura that shone her majesty across the yard in the faintest of lights, for my eye alone. You know, I didn’t feel outshone, so much as happy I’d been able to watch her. All I could do was stare for a few moments as she glided to a ghostly alightment in the driveway, barely disturbing the leaves upon the ground. She clearly thought nothing of it until she noticed my gaze. Then she blushed. Oh lord, she’s going to kill me by cuteness alone, I thought, but immediately revised merely ‘cute’ to ‘beautiful’. Can I call an otherworldly equine ‘beautiful’? Screw it, If you’d seen her just then, you’d understand. I just grinned at her a moment longer before walking towards her, which conveniently was also towards the front door of the guest house, in which Sarah was probably having a hilarious panic attack that I was missing out on. Two birds with one stone. Ha ha, Brain. Ha ha. Twilight gave me an odd look, reminding me that she was probably privy to that little internal joke, but I tried to brush it off by pointing at the house. “Do we really want to be out here right now, when we could be in there? I don’t want to miss the show.” Twilight was still looking at me piercingly. “You’re blushing.” She stated flatly. I was about to deny this with a manly squeak when a much higher voice was heard. Twilight and I both spun to the guest house as the wail tapered to its end in our ears. One look passed between us, and then we were both through the door as fast as our legs could manage. Twilight took the lead (because overpowered alicorn demigod, of course) and I trailed inches behind her flying tail. Twilight wavered slightly in the unfamiliar building, before rushing into what appeared to be a fancily done-up lounge or reception. I couldn’t care less about the decor at the time, though, because my attention was solely occupied by Andrew running about with Pinkie latched firmly around his head, gibbering like an astounded ape. As Andrew spun about, I saw the reason for Pinkie’s behaviour...other than Pinkie being Pinkie, this time. Flopping about, loosely pinned into the skin of her midsection, was a short crossbow bolt. Someone tried to shoot Pinkie Pie. Unforgivable! My eyes scanned the room in righteous fury, noting every pony, Applejack and Rainbow Dash included, glowering from safe positions as far away from the back corner as possible. I saw the empty bracket above the fireplace, meant to hold a decorative piece, and I saw Sarah hunched in a corner, a look of shock plastered across her pretty face, the ornamental crossbow clutched in her hands like her last shred of reality. Maybe forgivable. Maybe. “Sarah, put down the damned crossbow, you’ve already pulled of your one shot,” I grimaced, “At Pinkie Pie.” Twilight was busy trying to extricate Andrew’s head from Pinkie’s crushing grip, but seemed to be having no luck. Taking a page from Applejack’s book, I swept past my dancing loon of a friend and gave Pinkie’s tail a sharp tug. The mare went rigid with an ‘eep’ and fell off of Andrew’s face, leaving the poor guy gasping for air while Twilight took the opportunity to nip in and remove the offending bolt from Pinkie’s skin. Pinkie flinched slightly, rubbing her affected side. The ‘injury’ wasn’t even bleeding. Twilight stood there, looking at the bolt in her mouth curiously, before spitting it onto a table and pulling Pinkie to her hooves. Fluttershy rushed over, nosing Pinkie’s side with a concerned whisper; “Oh my, Pinkie, are you okay?” Pinkie looked at the bolt on the table, then at Sarah and I. She whispered back to Fluttershy, “I’m fine, just got startled is all.” before turning to Sarah. With an agitated bounce, she exclaimed, “What’d you do that for, Sarah? I was just bringing you a bowl of tea, and you threw a wasp at me!” I tried not to smile at that as I moved towards Sarah. She looked distinctly like a deer in the headlights, but at least she didn’t move as I relieved her of her of her weapon and sat her up straight against the wall. I got her full attention with a few snaps of my fingers before her eyes, saying, “Hey, Sarah. Sarah, come on, why the hell you freaking out like this? You know about the ponies, you shouldn’t be trying to shoot them!” Her eyes focussed on me for a second, before darting to Pinkie, who was still ruefully rubbing her side. Sarah gasped, “Oh gosh, Pinkie I'm sorry, I didn’t mean to-” “Yeah yeah,” I cut her off. That could wait til later, “Next time don’t grab a crossbow and wave it about. We’re lucky Pinkie just got ‘stung’ by that little bolt. Lucky that crossbow followed the string so badly. Come on, calm down, I’ll get you some water, and you’ll be fine-” “Water will not explain to my friend’s parents why six mind-bending aliens have broken into their guest house! Or why there’s bloody party bus parked outside! Or why YOU are here, you...” She trailed off as tears seeped from her eyes. I stood back, hands still on her shoulders, as I cast a glance back at Andrew, Twilight and her friends. The ponies all looked very uncomfortable. Andrew looked really confused. Probably still suffering from oxygen deprivation. I turned back to Sarah. “Jeez, girl, what they do to get you so worked up? Trust me, they won’t hurt you-” “Ha!” She barked at me, “As if you would know what they did! And I’m quite sure they’d do it again.” Okay. Explanations needed here. “What did they do to you, Sarah?” I asked quietly. “Would you like to hear the list alphabetically or chronologically?!” She snarked. I frowned. “Chronologically would be nice.” That threw her. “That was rhetorical, you know.” I just shrugged. She sighed and thought for a second before beginning. “Fine. I'm walking through the forest on a gorgeous sunny day when all of a sudden, Rainbow Dash bucks me one, Applejack and Pinkie pin me, Rarity chucks a pine-cone, Fluttershy pokes me on the nose, and Twilight rifled through all of my memories before finally realizing I have an active thought process and deeming me fit to talk to. After that, they hijacked my life and made me run away from home. I then spent a few days being harried by Twilight with questions about EVERYTHING until she just stopped and took the answers she wanted. And trying to provide for six ponies was difficult, especially with Rarities tastes and Applejack's insistence on apples. So yeah, I’m not exactly a ‘pegasister’ any more, okay? I watched an episode with my friend and had nightmares for three days. Then you turn up. I shouldn’t have returned that bag!” Wow. That sounds...painful. I looked back at the ponies, disbelieving, despite knowing it well possible. One look at the spectrum of shame on their faces, though, they told me all I needed to know. I gave Sarah an awkward side hug, and picked her up, saying, “Come on, lets get you some air. We really need to talk.” I waved at Andrew and Twilight. “Twi, can you find a balcony? Andrew, grab us something to drink will you? Anything’ll do. Meet us outside when you've found something.” Twilight nodded and, as Andrew wandered off in search of a fridge, focused a bit of energy into a spell which pulsed away through the house in an immaterial violet wave. Apparently having achieved her goal, she trotted off down the hall. I barely gave this a second thought: Twi was just learning where everything was in the house with a magical x-ray thingy. Of course, Sarah was not privy to this, being short one mental link, and found the sight of magic pulsing about the place quite unnerving. She gave me a pensive look, asking “When did Twilight start casting spells like that again? I thought she was saving energy.” “Oh, she is,” I replied, “But since she started getting energy from her friends, she’s had some to spare.” As we walked away, I bade the rest of the ponies follow. They did, at a distance, except for Rainbow Dash. The mare actually looked quite contrite as as she flittered up to us. “<-Hey, Marc,->” She started, but I waved her down. She was quite loud. I knelt next to RD as she muttered, “<-I just wanted to make sure Sarah was okay?->” I nodded. “<-She’s fine. She told me about how you all...met, in the forest. Did you really kick her over?->” Dash shrunk back slightly, giving a nervous chuckle. “Heh heh, You don’t suppose you could, uh, apologize for me? I feel kinda bad about that...->” I nodded, but then I got an idea. I grinned widely and asked, “<-Wouldn’t you rather apologize to her yourself?->” “<-Uh, we don’t speak the same language, if you didn’t notice...?->” “<-Inconsequential!->” I exclaimed before leaning in and whispering my instructions into Rainbow’s ear, leaving her looking a little confused, but resolute. Dash returned to her friends as I turned back to a now utterly confuzzled Sarah. “You were speaking their language...” She muttered. “...Yeah,” I replied, “We have a lot of catching up to do ya know.” “You were talking Pony.” She continued muttering, even as I lead her towards the door through which a soft violet light could be seen, shining with a stars. Twilight obviously hadn’t found the balcony light yet. I flicked the switch as I passed outside with Sarah. Twilight had already set up four deckchairs, and was perched on one near the railing, expectantly waiting for us. “Good evening, Sarah. Are you feeling better?” She asked quietly. Considering what we had heard, no surprise she was being careful. Sarah merely sat upon one of the chairs, eyeing Twilight warily as the nervous alicorn plastered a wide fake smile on her features. Great, now she looked like a nutter. Luckily, just then, Andrew shambled out to join us, clinging to a large assortment of drinks. I raised an eyebrow at just how many of the bottles proudly sported an alcohol content. “Dude, I meant like lemonade or something. We need to be sober for this.” “No we don’t.” Sarah growled, grabbing a bottle of whiskey from Andrew’s grasp. “Denied!” I exclaimed relieving her of the bottle before she managed to get the cap off. I held the bottle out of reach as I glared accusingly at Andrew. “Mate, how could you bring out a bottle of whiskey, finest matured no less, and not bring any ice?!” Andrew grinned and pulled out a shaker rattling with the distinct sound of crushed ice. He dashed back inside for a moment before returning with a few tumblers. I nodded my approval as he poured out two measures, one for Sarah, one for himself. I noticed a very glaring error in his math, though. “Uh, dude, where’s mine...?” “Ahah! You underestimate me, my friend,” He proclaimed, reaching behind him and withdrawing what amounted to my holy grail, “As I have noticed, you much prefer something more... Russian in orientation.” Vodka. Triple distilled, perfectly chilled, clear as crystal. I took the bottle and held it up mock-reverently. “Oh, my second-oldest friend in this life, how I have missed you!” I grinned at Andrew, “Second only to your deliverer! Thanks mate, This is just what I needed!” I poured out a glass-full of the nectar with ice. As I reached for it, though, it flew away from me. my thought of No, sweet alcohol, return to me! got an appreciative chuckle from the alicorn besides whom my erstwhile drink now hovered, being swirled in a violet glow. Twilight raised a brow, daring me to counter her. Instead, I just shrugged and poured myself another. “Okay, down to business, folks.” I said, sitting down and feeling mightily important drink in hand. Andrew sat next to me and drew a pipe from somewhere. Lighting it, he sat back, looking as fancy as humanly possible, much to my amusement and the girl’s confusion. “Just to clear up one or two things. Sarah noticed that I ‘speak Pony’ now. Yeah...Twilight taught me the language the other morning.” Sarah looked at me incredulously. “Twilight taught you a whole language a few days ago? Doesn’t seem the sort of thing you do over breakfast.” “Well,” said Andrew contemplatively, “It was more of a forced upload, with all the usual unforeseen side-effects. Quite interesting, actually, but still, not as pleasant as you might think...” I withheld my desire to thwack him one. Twilight got a hoof in here: “Yes, I may have thrust the language on him, and I feel bad about that. We worked it out eventually.” Sarah clearly put little stock in what Twilight said. I sighed. “Look, Sarah, I understand why you’re uncomfortable with Twi here, but understand, she, and the other ponies, were far more scared than you were on seeing them. They overreacted once or twice, and Twilight pretty much freaked out - no offence - but thats over now. We just need a place for Twilight to build up her magical energies for a bit, then they’ll get themselves home.” Sarah was still skeptical. “Okay, then why are you here, if you were fine where you were at before? Why bother me at all?” While I was trying to come up with a diplomatic answer, Andrew happened. “Oh, Marc’s uncle came back early, saw him and tried to shoot all of us. Then RD kicked the bugger in the face and we came here. Oh, and also, Marc’s uncle seems to be part of the underground around here, so security and the police might be looking for us too.” I thwacked him one. Sarah looked a little shocked, staring at me and noticing for the first time my mild shiner. “So...you got kicked out...and shot at...” “And punched up, and puppeted, and teleported...” Andrew listed off, leaning out of thwack-range. Sarah glared at me for a moment, then burst out laughing. “Oh, good one, you guys, you really had me going there! Ha, teleported? Pfft hahaha!” We all remained silent, nonplussed. Sarah trailed from nervous laughter to a deadpan, “You aren’t joking, are you?” We all shook our heads; Twilight solemn, me grim, Andrew grinning like a goof. “It would have made a pretty awesome movie, I have to say.” He beamed. thunk “Ow!” Andrew jerked to the side, his head assaulted by a tumbler flying through the air. Twilight grinned at him. Andrew looked between the Alicorn and the empty tumbler, now floating about in front of his nose. “Hot damn, girl...” He whispered as he refilled the glass for Twilight. He tossed the filled tumbler into her aura casually, but Twilight’s magic didn't spill a drop. I couldn’t help but smile at him. He was right, it would have indeed made an awesome movie scene, though we did have bigger problems right now. The possibility of a drunk alicorn being one of them. “Right, anyway. Yes, we have had a rough day, and we’re sorry for jumping out on you like this, but we had nowhere else to go. Ironic really.” Sarah huffed and downed her whiskey in one shot. “Fine!” she gasped out, “I’ll see what I can do. But keep the ponies indoors, or at least out back by the bird sanctuary. I’ll talk to Amy, that’s my friend, and see what her parents think, but thats all I can say, okay?” Andrew nodded emphatically and downed the remainder of his own drink in agreement. “Aye aye, fair providence. Any port in a storm. We’ll try not to get the police after you.” Sarah smirked through a yawn. “Yeah, sure. Just don't wreck the place. And you’re paying for the drinks. I’ll go see if I can get some clean sheets for the beds and such, I’ll be back in a minute.” Andrew nodded. and stood to help her. “I’ll put the booze away and get supper going, there are a few things in the freezer that may be vegan.” He gathered the alcohol, but Twilight interjected. “Leave that one, please” She grabbed the vodka bottle telekinetically. Am I the only one who would just like to appreciate a good drink around here? Suddenly I remembered my little chat with Rainbow earlier. I waved Twilight over with wild abandon, dragging her away from her drink, much to her displeasure. “This will be totally worth it, trust me.” I whispered to her, grinning as we reached the doorway. Sarah was standing just in front of Andrew, and arrayed before them were five ponies. Rainbow Dash lead the group, that immensely cute gatsby cap on her head, making her look like an Oliver Twist character. Her mouth struggled to form the words, but she managed admirably. “Sarah, sawwy fo buckin ya in da hed...” She leant around the two humans and looked up at me. “<-D’I say that right?->” I nodded emphatically. She smiled and returned her gaze to Sarah. She raised a hoof uncertainly, trying again. “Sawwy?” A chorus of ‘sawwys’ echoed from the rest of the ponies as Sarah took the hoof and choked up a smile. She soon found herself enveloped in a multi-hued hug, nearly buried in ponies. Twilight brushed passed me and joined the group. She embraced Sarah as well, saying, “We’re sorry...I’m sorry for what we put you through. We may not get the chance to make it up to you, but I hope you forgive our mistakes?” I very nearly broke out in ‘aawwww’s as Sarah nodded. Andrew wavered, stuck between squeezing past into the kitchen or retreating back outside. Both would have been preferable to being within the cute-zone. He did neither, though, for at that moment, a knock sounded at the door. Applejack heard it first. She popped her head out of the pony ball and stared down the hall, ears perked. The knock sounded again. “Seriously? Now?” AJ asked herself. By now the hug-sphere was disbanding, the ponies looking about uncertainly. Their eyes settled on Twilight, and hers on me. I looked at Sarah. Sarah looked terrified. Seems like a safe chain of command. Andrew started bustling the ponies in a random direction, hopefully a sequestered room somewhere, as I got Sarah moving. I patted her shoulder, saying “Hey, c’mon, who could it be?” She grinned at me, like a scared chimp, “Yeah, you’re right, can’t be anything serious.” “No,” I frowned, “Who would actually be knocking here right now?” She didn’t answer as another knock sounded out, followed by a voice. “Hey, Sarah, you in there? I noticed the key missing. And who’s crappy old bus is this?!” “Its a classic!” Andrews voice echoed out faintly. Sarah sagged with relief. “Oh thank god, it’s Amy. Its just Amy...” I walked up to her, giving her shoulder a fortifying squeeze. “Amy. Thats your friend, right? She cool?” Sarah nodded. “Yeah, she won’t mind much who stays here, but her parents might. I’ll talk to her, you just get the ponies hidden, I’l try and tell her it’s just you two on a road trip or something.” While Sarah handled the door and her doubtless very confused friend, I retreated back down the way Andrew had bustled the ponies. The guest house was arranged in a sprawling, rather random assortment of rooms, the lounge and dining room in the front, and a mash of four bedrooms and two bathrooms at the back. I checked every room, and found not a trace of my company. Just as I was getting worried, or at least very confused, I heard a scuffle in a hall closet. Really? I opened the door, expressionlessly pouring light onto the scene. Andrew and six ponies, squashed rather annoyedly into the small space. “I think one of the bedrooms would have been fine.” I commented dryly. “I told you...” Twilight grumbled, wiggling free. I smiled and stood aside, letting the group spill out, and into the nearest bedroom. I shut the door behind me and viewed ponies scattered about. “<-It’s okay, guys, Sarah will handle that, but Twi, I need to know how long, roughly, it will take for you to, uh, recharge your magic? You know, just an estimate? This little arrangement won't last long, and considering that my credit card may be cut off any time now, we need to prepare.->” Twilight nodded “<-Of course, I understand. I’ll need a minute to centre myself and test the leyline structure, so just...watch some TV or something. I’ll just go in the bathroom for a moment. Rarity, would you care to help me?->” “<-Oh, of course, darling, a pleasure.->” Rarity stood a strutted over to the bathroom behind Twilight. I watched them curiously until it became a little creepy, then wrenched myself back to the room, clapping my hands and exclaiming, “<-So while they do crazy unicorn magic in there, and Sarah negotiates our tenuous refuge...TV, anypony?->” I gestured for the remote and Andrew happily obliged with a chuckle. “The best of distractions for all species! And it’s about seven, too, wonder if we made the news, eh?” The room stopped dead as his jest sucked the air from our lungs. I fumbled with the damn remote and flicked on the TV, cycling through the channels in search of the evening news. When the blue screen finally resolved in the image of a generic news anchor, Andrew and I clustered about the TV. Pinkie bounced on the bed behind us, trying to see, as RD tried to push her way between us. “<-Hey, c’mon, let us see, too, you oafs!->” I shushed her, but stepped back nonetheless, sighing in relief. On the screen, the anchor droned on about stock markets and business deals. “The new multi-national arms deal within the BRICS group has finally reached South Africa, with the ANC offering up to 2% of the national GDP for weapons purchases from the Russian Federation...” Blah blah blah, stopped caring. “In other news, the Western Cape and the city of Cape Town have set a warrant for the immediate arrest of two men...” ­Fuck “...who have been implicated in a human smuggling and weapons dealing ring. The two men were last seen at the Julietta Apartment Complex near the waterfront, where they assaulted a respected businessman and incapacitated a member of the private security force. Both suspects are considered extremely dangerous, possibly armed. Here is some footage of them fleeing the scene in a stolen vehicle...” As the video of our bus driving off with me hanging out the window waving like a psychopath (which the country now thinks I bloody well am), I saw our options shrinking to pinpricks, just like my pupils, probably. I sank back onto the bed, staring blankly as the weather started to roll on the screen. Rain forecast for tomorrow. Just bloody perfect. I felt a soft but firm, fuzzy pressure against my neck. I looked around to see Pinkie worriedly nuzzling me. “<-Why were we on TV? What did the old guy say, Marcy? What’s wrong?->” Rainbow Dash looked between Andrew’s blanched features and my own, the pieces clicking in her head. Her eyes widened as she gasped. “<-Oh, horsefeathers...->” I circled an arm about Pinkie in a hug. She immediately returned it, still asking what was wrong innocently. I stared at the screen as I began trying to factor our situation. “<-Pinkie, we may be in a bit of trouble...->” She looked at me with big questioning, adorable eyes .”<-Would you like a glass of water?->” She pulled a glass bottle off the bed and held it up for me to see. I nearly choked on a chuckle. Twilight had brought the vodka. “<-That’s not water, Pinkie,->” I giggled, “<-but its good enough. I just need to think for a minute->” I probably would have jumped at the chance to chug myself into oblivion right then, but hugging a pony is actually a great stress-reliever. Poor AJ was doing her part, somewhat against her will, as Andrew rocked her back and forth in the corner. I would have thought Fluttershy would have had better qualifications, but the dear looked absolutely terrified as was. It is upon this scene that Twilight burst. “<-Friends we may have a problem...uh, are we interrupting something?->” I got my nose out of Pinkie’s mane long enough to mumble “<-Stress relief->” before returning to it. I was surprised Pinkie wasn’t squirming yet. AJ, though, wanted out. “<- Okay, ‘nuff now,->” She muttered as she bounced free, leaving Andrew hugless and sad. I sighed. “<-Pinks, give Andrew a hug for me while I talk to Twi, okay?->” She nodded, and I reluctantly released the far-too-awesome pony. Look at how good a friend I am here next time I inadvertently get my mates mixed up with aliens, slave-rings and the police. “Twi,” I said, turning to the nonplussed alicorn, “You are fugitives, and Andrew and I are are criminals until further notice, and warrants for our arrest are publicly known. So, please, tell me you can teleport you and your friends home within the next two days, or we may seriously have a mess here.” She shuffled awkwardly. “...I can’t.” I frowned. “Okay, four days max, here, Twi, then we need to get this sorted out.” “I can’t-” “Well, you’re going to have to, or else the whole of the Cape Town Constabulary will be on our heads-” “I CAN”T!” Okay, reset.. “What exactly do you mean, by ‘you can’t’, Twilight?” She let out a shuddering breath, “I cannot teleport us home from this particular location to the location I would need to.” Just Fucking Perfect! Twilight noticed my rising angst, and I felt her pressing in on me, her mind melding just slightly with mine to calm me down. As invasive as it felt, I REALLY needed it right then. I blew out a breath, forcing myself to think straight. “Thanks Twi, sorry about that. I...It’s just a lot, you know? Now, could you please try to explain why on earth you can’t teleport yourselves home from ‘this particular location’?” “Sure,” she chirped. I blinked, the wave of information filling me. Well, I sure never would get used to that. Oh, wow, look, I think I may throw up. I managed not to. Twilight rushed to me the moment I twisted up, but luckily I was fine. “Oh, I’m sorry!,” She muttered, “I should have realized the magical senses would have been unsettling.” “It’s okay so long as you stop doing that without asking me first...” I deadpanned, before going over what I now knew, but understanding nothing of the strange concepts my brain couldn’t process. Most of our company, though, not being connected Twilight’s brain-WiFi, still had no idea what was going on, even Rarity, who had helped with Twilight’s little magic recon. “<-Um, Twilight dear, would you mind explaining to me and the rest of us what is going on here?->” The alabaster unicorn asked pensively, clearly not wanting the same treatment I had received. Twilight, though, seemed to have learned from that. “<-Um, its rather complicated, but basically, there are no familiar leylines for me to channel. I can’t cast anything without their structure, so I can’t find our way back at all.->” Leylines. Crazy magic mumbo jumbo. Stuff it. I butted in, “<-Wait, then how are you going to get back without these ‘leylines’? What are they anyway->” Twilight thought for a second before answering. “<-Okay, leylines basically connect all matter in perception, through perception. Anything that can be linked to anything else in any way, can be manipulated by a mage who has a bond with that type of skill. It’s as if everything in the universe is connected to everything else similar, or is perceived to be similar, to it by a string reverberating with a musical note. And ponies specialize in playing those chords. Does that make sense?->” I shook my head. “<-Not in the slightest. Simplify to the core of our particular issue, please->” With a snort, Twilight tried again. “<-How about this. Life. Life is magic. the source of and director of all magical forces. Everything that Life, and its perception of the physical world, decides is similar, ethereally bonded to its brethren. Now, the problem we have is hopefully a simple one. I can feel your leylines, the ones of the particular breed of matter that make up your world, but I need older ones, ones that tie across space, and life. I need a...a bunch of really old and really strong leylines that I can channel dry to get us home.->” I blinked again. My brain hurt. “<-Two speeches and I still feel confused. You’re saying we need to go somewhere really old and drab, where everything is the same?->” Twil shook her head. “Ugh, no, we need to go somewhere where life has been in sync for a long time, and where the leylines haven’t been scattered by whatever it is that’s warping your leylines around here. Somewhere where the oldest connections have been preserved without being altered by the perception difference between our world and yours.->” Woah. “<-Would pristine wilderness be good?->” I asked. Twilight brightened. “<-Yes! Perfect, in fact!->” I nodded understandingly for a moment. Then I held an arm up, saying, “<-I need a pony hug, please.->” Surprisingly, it was Rarity who slid under my arm, settling into my embrace. “<-Watch the mane, would you, dear...->” She cooed, but I didn’t listen. Instead I looked at Twilight standing uncertainly in the middle of the room as I showed her my thoughts. Here we were, in the largest metropolitan area this side of the country, hundreds of miles from anywhere untouched by man, and surrounded by people only too happy to stop us getting where we need to be Finally, she understood, and our eyes locked as we shared a thought: We are so fucked.