There’s a nice town called Ponyville. Maybe you’ve been there. Ponyville is full of pretty colors and wonderful ponies. There was a time those colors turned gray and those ponies got scared. Only a few ponies were brave enough to make things right.
This is a story about those ponies, and also a story about me.
I’m Derpy. I’m a mail carrier in Ponyville, and I like muffins. My mane is blond and my eyes are crossed and my Cutie Mark is a bunch of bubbles. Bubbles are beautiful, but they also make me sad. They go away after just a few seconds. When this story happened, all the life and color and happiness in Ponyville had gone away—poof! Just like bubbles.
Ponyville turned dark and dead, so I went looking for my friend the Doctor. He’s good at fixing things. We met some other nice ponies, too. Colgate was a dentist. Lyra and Octavia and Vinyl were all musical ponies. It turns out an Amulet was making things go wrong, so I suggested we try making them go right again.
We went looking for the Amulet in the terrifying Everfree Forest, which was black and cold and full of wolves. During our search, we realized we were all misfits with big problems. It was okay, though, because we discovered something else. We weren’t just misfits. We were also friends.
At last we reached a crumbly old castle full of echoes and shadows and cobwebs. We crept inside, leaving hoof prints in the dust. Colgate and the Doctor had lights. They flashed them everywhere. A few bats, annoyed by the glare, swooped out into the night. It was quiet.
Then we heard somepony crying.
There ahead of us was a big black throne. A pony was sitting in it. We saw the Amulet glinting around the pony’s neck, but not till we came right up to the throne in the dark did we see who it was.
“Berry?” gasped Vinyl. “Berry Punch? You’re behind all this? Seriously?”
I knew Berry from my delivery route in Ponyville. She was a purple pony with a messy mane. Berry drank too much, but that was usually the second thing I remembered about her. The first thing was that she was always sad.
She slumped on the throne like a big sack of flour, crying and crying and crying.
“I knew you’d come,” she said in a blurry kind of voice. “I took it. I took the Amulet from Zecora’s.”
The Doctor smiled and asked, “What were you doing there, Ms. Punch?” His voice was soft and polite. He’s nice, the Doctor.
Berry scrunched up her face. I guess she wanted to stop crying. “Zecora’s the only bucking pony in Ponyville who doesn’t treat me like trash. She brews a potion for my hangovers. I went for potion and saw the Amulet sitting there and just took it.”
“Why?” asked Colgate in a kind, gentle way. She’s a nice pony, too.
Berry sobbed. “I—I don’t know—ponies think I’m a sick joke—I wanted to show them, to get some respect—I didn’t want to be me anymore. Well, I got my wish. I’m not just a boozy, good-for-nothing floozy now. I’m worse. I’m the bad guy. The second I put on the Amulet, things fell apart. So here I am, the evil queen on her ruined throne, just waiting for the heroes to show up and end it all.”
“Please take off the Amulet,” said the Doctor. “We’ll start there. You can make things right again, Ms. Punch.”
Berry’s head snapped up. There was a red gleam in her eyes that scared me.
“Too late,” she said. “I’ve made my choice. I’m the bad guy now. There’s no making up for it. Go on, do your worst. Put me out of my misery. Be heroes.”
None of my friends said anything. Since they didn’t speak, I did.
“Princess Twilight and her friends are heroes,” I said. “We’re just misfits.”
Vinyl stamped, raising a little cloud of dust, and said, “Derp’s right! Look at us, Berry. Look at us! No Elements of Harmony. No epic friendship rainbow powers. We’re no heroes, and you’re no bad guy.”
“If there is a villain here,” said Octavia, “I am she. I am a wanted criminal, Berry.”
Colgate spoke up. “I’m a malcontent with a failing business.”
“Me?” said Vinyl, shrugging. “Just a reject.”
Lyra grinned. “I’m like, an outcast with weird obsessions, and also a total freak.”
“Since we all seem to be confessing things,” said the Doctor pleasantly, “I’ll admit to being a grouchy old exile.”
“I’m Derpy,” I finished. “Um, I guess that’s it. I’m a fool. You know? I’m okay with it. We all are.”
Berry stared at us. That awful red light in her eyes was fading.
“You’ve made mistakes,” said Colgate. “You’re not perfect. Neither are we. Don’t follow our bad example and sit around moping! We can be better. Let’s try.”
“Please,” I said.
Slowly, very slowly, Berry Punch unclasped the Amulet. It slipped from her hooves and clattered onto the floor.
Instantly the air felt clean, like it does after rain. A starry sky blazed through the dusty, broken windows. Colors were crisp and sharp again.
The nightmare was over.
Berry covered her face and sobbed. The others gathered around her with words of comfort, except for the Doctor. He scooped up the Amulet and tucked it away somewhere.
“I believe you owe Ms. Zecora an apology,” he said. “Shall we go together?”
Berry followed us outside. The grass was green again, and the stars above us were brighter and prettier than any I’d ever seen.
“Thence we came forth to see again the stars,” said the Doctor. “Dante put it so well. Dante? Anybody? Dash it, that’s right. You wouldn’t know him. Never mind.”
We left the ruins, and this time the Forest wasn’t scary. It seemed happy to be green again. Above us, the stars disappeared as the sky turned pink and gold. At last we reached Zecora’s house. Zecora met us at the door and hugged Berry before she could say one word to apologize.
“I suggest getting rid of this,” said the Doctor, holding out the Amulet.
Zecora took it solemnly. “I promise you, this thing I will destroy! Its evil curse shall never mar our joy.”
We all wondered later why the Amulet had sucked the life out of Ponyville. Lyra finally did some research in the library and explained everything.
“The Alicorn Amulet draws its power from the magic of its wearer,” she read. “If its wearer does not possess magic, the Amulet tries vainly to compensate by draining vitality and color from its surroundings. Only the magic of a unicorn or alicorn can satiate the relic; thus, for as long as the Amulet is worn by a non-magical creature, its deadly effects spread in an endless and ever-increasing radius. Capable of reducing all Equestria to an ashen waste, the Alicorn Amulet is unquestionably the most dangerous known magical relic.”
Lyra put down her book. “That’s what Professor Tomes had to say about the Amulet, anyway. I guess it’s like, a good thing Berry took it off.”
We didn’t know any of this when we gave Zecora the Amulet on the morning of the Summer Sun Celebration. I was just happy it was back in good hooves.
The sun was rising as we left Zecora’s. By the time we reached Ponyville, which gleamed like bubbles in the sunshine, I was pretty hungry. We’d had a snack in the Forest, but that seemed like a long time before.
Then I smelled something familiar, something delicious. Only one thing in the whole universe smelled that good.
Pinkie Pie was baking muffins.
This made me guess Princess Twilight and her friends were back from the Crystal Empire, and I was right. They’d arrived just in time to see life and color flood back into Ponyville. Pinkie told me afterward that she’d immediately rushed to Sugarcube Corner and begun baking—to celebrate, she said.
A crowd had gathered in town square: all the ponies of Ponyville, from Princess Twilight and her friends (except Pinkie) to Mayor Mare and Princess Celestia, all talking in loud, excited voices.
My friends and I were walking along a cobblestone street lined with market stalls. The instant we saw the crowd gathered round town hall, my friends stopped.
“What’s wrong, guys?” I asked.
“This is usually when I slip away quietly,” said the Doctor.
“But the Princesses will want to thank you!” I said.
“Exactly,” he replied, glancing around anxiously. I guess he was looking for a quick escape. “I can’t stand sentiment,” he added. “Gratitude is absolutely the worst sort of wibbly-wobbly, feely-weely stuff.”
Octavia hung her head. “A criminal has no right to consort with Princesses. I should go as well.”
“I’m pretty tired,” said Vinyl, pretending to yawn. “I’d better head home and get some sleep.”
Lyra and Colgate made excuses of their own, but I don’t remember what they were. I was distracted by Berry Punch. She looked ten times as scared on that sunny Ponyville street as I ever felt in the darkest parts of the Everfree Forest.
“I—I can’t do it,” she whispered. “It was all my fault. Zecora was one thing, but—but—I can’t face all those ponies. I can’t.”
“Don’t worry, Berry,” I said. “We’ll all go with you. Right, guys?”
The others glared at me.
“You win,” grumbled the Doctor at last. “Lead the way, Derpy.”
Everypony stopped talking as we trotted slowly into town square. We stood awkwardly, saying nothing, shuffling our hooves and not looking anywhere in particular.
“Hello there,” said a warm, kind voice.
I looked up. Princess Celestia was gazing down at me—and smiling.
“I think you have something to tell us,” she said.
I could feel myself turning red. “I—we—I mean—we did it,” I stammered.
One of us, I think Colgate, told the full story of our adventure. (She left out the bit about Octavia’s crimes, since we didn’t want to get our friend in trouble.) The Princesses thanked us, and everypony cheered.
Then Pinkie Pie appeared out of nowhere—she does that—fired off her party cannon and began passing out muffins. A celebration broke out with balloons and music, and a few ponies burst out singing, which happens a lot in Ponyville.
That’s pretty much all I remember. The whole morning is kind of a bright, happy blur in my memory—except for one thing. One thing stands out clear as crystal.
After hearing about our adventure, Princess Celestia trotted over to Berry and lifted up her tearstained face.
“You did the right thing,” said the Princess. “Thank you, Berry. You’re my hero today.”
Things pretty much went back to normal after that. The Princesses went back to their palaces, except for Princess Twilight. She’s living in the library. I’m not sure why, but I’m glad she’s still with us.
Since Mayor Mare was back, Time Turner, her replacement, returned to his usual job after a long vacation. He really needed one, he said, and muttered something I didn’t understand about hating vegetables.
The Alicorn Amulet is gone forever. Zecora traveled deep into the Everfree Forest and threw it into a volcano. I guess volcanoes are a good way to destroy things.
The day after the celebration, Princess Twilight asked me and my friends to write out the story of our adventure. We decided each to write one chapter. This is mine, in case you hadn’t guessed.
The Doctor disappeared soon afterward, and his chapter of our story reached Princess Twilight through the mail. I haven’t seen the Doctor since our adventure. We all miss him. Lyra gets letters from him, though. I deliver them myself! There’s also a box of muffins waiting for me at the post office every week. I’m sure they’re from him—each box comes with a stick of butter.
Octavia and Vinyl took a train recently to Canterlot, where Vinyl met a famous musician called Mando-something. They even made some music together. Their album, The V-Scratch Records, is a huge hit. Vinyl has finally earned her break.
Octavia made up her mind to turn herself in to the Canterlot police and confess her crimes. She expected to go on trial, but when the police pulled her record they found only a note and a little bag of money.
The note read, To the Canterlot Police Department: I’ve borrowed Ms. Octavia’s criminal files. (I hope you don’t mind.) In the meantime, there’s a shop called Donut Joe’s down the street. Take the enclosed coins and treat yourselves to a well-earned snack. Doctor’s orders!
Hours later, Princess Celestia herself arrived at the police station with an official pardon for Octavia.
“A friend of yours in a stylish hat gave me your record and asked me to consider pardoning you,” said the Princess. “You’ve earned it, Octavia. You’re forgiven. All you had to do was ask, you know!”
Lyra is still fascinated by humans. For the first time since her adventure in the world of human beans, Princess Twilight had time to sit down and tell Lyra all about it. They recently started a book club together at the library. Much to the Princess’s satisfaction, it’s given Lyra the chance to make friends.
Colgate went back to work as a dentist. I recommended her clinic to Pinkie Pie, who immediately recommended it to every single pony in Ponyville. Colgate’s clinic is doing great. A few stubborn ponies still mutter about her decision to ignore her Cutie Mark, but Colgate doesn’t seem to mind anymore.
The best story belongs to Berry Punch. She quit getting drunk and gave up her job at the bar. Applejack, who owns a farm, offered Berry a job as a hired worker. A month later, Applejack gave Berry a few acres of farmland as a gift. Berry Punch now has a little farm of her own with a vineyard and fruit orchards.
While she was working for Applejack, Vinyl and I visited Berry every week for coffee and muffins. I guess Berry realized she likes coffee. It’s pretty much all she drinks now. She has a glass of wine or cider sometimes, but she never gets drunk.
Berry smiles a lot now. I guess that’s what makes me happiest.
As for me, I’m still working at the post office. The mail won’t deliver itself, you know!
Since our adventure, a few new problems came up. Princess Twilight and her friends solved them all. It’s nice to have our heroes back! All the same, if Ponyville needs its misfits, we’ll be waiting in the background. We may not always be able to help, but we’ll always be ready to try.
That’s our story, I guess, the story of six brave ponies and Derpy. We’re still misfits, and that’s okay. Everypony has problems. We can still choose to be friends, and to help each other, and to enjoy muffins.
Those are the things that matter!