I scowled at the tome. "That's ridiculous. You expect me to believe you just poofed me up whole cloth, as is?"
Whether or not you believe it is immaterial. It is the truth.
"Yeah, sure." I decided to investigate. Work at it long enough and contradictions would crop up. "So how long have I really been alive?"
I see no reason to tell you that. Just because you get to know why this is happening to you doesn't mean you're exempt from the requisite existential crisis. Really, dear, there's doing favors for one's child, and then there's blatant nepotism.
"Uh huh. How convenient. You're not going to be at all helpful, are you?"
Well, that all depends on how you define "helpful." If you would just turn to page 11π, we can begin the tutorial with
I rolled my eyes, slammed Chaos and You shut, and stuffed it into the laptop case. I didn't trust it, and that was precisely why I wanted it nearby. Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and those who could be either closest of all. Vito Corleone I wasn't, but there was clearly someone out to get me. Might as well exercise a little healthy paranoia.
I turned my attention to my laptop, turning it on and booting up Skype. My creator had a big information advantage on me and had no intention of surrendering it. However, I knew exactly how to even the playing field a little. More importantly, I knew exactly who.
His name was Greg. It still is Greg, but hey, narrative past tense. He was awake and online, as was usually the case. Guy barely ever seemed to sleep. We met through one of the on-campus clubs a few years ago and clicked almost immediately.
At least, I thought that was how we met. Our memories could've been fabricated. We might not have ever spoken to one another.
Of course, the entire universe could be the product of a Boltzmann Brain. One that had recently been exposed to LSD, judging by my recent experiences. Existential worries weren't getting me any closer to better understanding my situation.
A familiar bloop signaled that Greg had noticed me and had left a message during my woolgathering.
NaturalCauses523
YoStanbax Abnats
Greg, you've got your thumb on the pulse of popular culture, right?NaturalCauses523
YupStanbax Abnats
So, you're familiar with the newest iteration of My Little Pony?NaturalCauses523
If by "newest" you mean "ten years old," then yesNaturalCauses523
Why?Stanbax Abnats
I need a pony identified.NaturalCauses523
Again, why?NaturalCauses523
Link?Stanbax Abnats
No link. RL situation.NaturalCauses523
lolwutStanbax Abnats
Hang on...Stanbax Abnats
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lpc18vymg71qgg1i3o1_500.jpgStanbax Abnats
Is there a pony with the symbol on the flag?NaturalCauses523
Oh, that's where they got itNaturalCauses523
Just a secondStanbax Abnats
Duh. It's a classic.Stanbax Abnats
kNaturalCauses523
Here ya go:NaturalCauses523
http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120831180138/mlpfanart/images/3/34/Screwball_by_Heart-Of-Stitches.png
I took in the image. This. This is what I once was, and would be again. Some gut feeling told me it was completely, totally, one hundred percent accurate. And yet, the first coherent thought that came to mind had nothing to do with that assuredness.
Stanbax Abnats
I have no idea where I'm going to find a propeller beanie.
Heat rushed to my cheeks as I lunged for the right edge of the message. Before I could click "Delete Message," Greg responded.
NaturalCauses523
Crossplay? Did you lose a bet?Stanbax Abnats
Not exactly.NaturalCauses523
What is it, then?Stanbax Abnats
It's a personal matter.NaturalCauses523
Dude, if it was that personal, you could've just Googled itNaturalCauses523 still can't believe "Google" is a verb according to the OED.
Stanbax Abnats
I know, right?Stanbax Abnats
Look, you wouldn't believe me if I told you.NaturalCauses523
Try meStanbax Abnats
Well…NaturalCauses523
Come oooooooonStanbax Abnats
What can you tell me about that pony?NaturalCauses523
Screwball?Stanbax Abnats
If that's her name.NaturalCauses523
It isNaturalCauses523
She showed up for like five seconds in S2E2NaturalCauses523
Hang onNaturalCauses523
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhR-h8X1zDMNaturalCauses523
From about 0:11 to the end
I watched the whole snippet. It was probably intended as a gag montage, but as it played out, my heart ached with longing. With homesickness. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up as I realized how thoroughly creepy that was.
Stanbax Abnats
That's it?NaturalCauses523
That's itNaturalCauses523
Officially, anywayStanbax Abnats
?NaturalCauses523
Bronies have done more with lessNaturalCauses523
Remind me to tell you about Derpy Hooves sometimeNaturalCauses523
But for Screwy...NaturalCauses523
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xA9dFZJtQWcStanbax Abnats
What's this?NaturalCauses523
Just watch it. I'll wait.
I watched. He waited. This one wasn't as familiar. Not until the two-minute mark, at least. Then "Discord" laughed, a low, sinister chuckle, and my heart leapt into my throat, joy and terror mixing in a head-splitting melange. Tears were in my eyes by the time the video ended, though I could not name the emotion that made me shed them.
At first, I typed, "That didn't happen." I hastily deleted it. Of course it didn't happen. As far as Greg was concerned, this was all just fiction. Fiction piled upon fiction, in a great, imaginary ziggurat. I took a few deep breaths, collecting myself and letting my emotions cool off.
Stanbax Abnats
What's a PMV?NaturalCauses523
Pony Music Video. Like an AMV, but with ponies.NaturalCauses523
Did you watch it?NaturalCauses523
Hello?Stanbax Abants
Yeah. Sorry.NaturalCauses523
Seriously, Stan, you know I'm here for you, right?Stanbax Abnats
Yeah, I do. Thanks.Stanbax Abnats
g2g. Work and stuff.NaturalCauses523
If you need to talk, call meStanbax Abnats
I will. Bye.NaturalCauses523
Later
I didn't like lying to my friend, but he didn't need to get involved in this. He was a bystander. If he hadn't been, if he was one of the others that my cre— the others that Discord had changed, he surely would've guessed at the truth.
Discord. It felt good to have a name to put to the entity. Not to have to acknowledge my artificiality every time I thought of him.
I took a deep breath. This was clearly going to require a change in today's plans. I shot off an e-mail to my advisor, informing him of a family emergency that would keep me from showing up today. That done, I hefted my book bag and considered the chaotic text within. It would be troublesome to keep pulling the thing out.
A moment's thought pointed out an alternative. "Hey, headvoice, you still there?"
I am quite positive there has never been another voice in my head, and never will be. Frankly, the notion strikes me as silly and frivolous.
"Good. Can I assume you're the same entity that's writing the book?"
I'm being silly. And frivolous. I already established that the only voice in my head is my own internal monologue.
I rolled my eyes as I gathered my essentials. Phone, wallet, watch, keys, magical codex of anarchic lore, pretty sure I had everything. "It's glaringly obvious that it isn't."
Sigh. Fine. Honestly, you're no fun at all.
"I just want to be able to hold a conversation without opening the book." I stepped out my door, into the shared corridor of the apartment building.
But the book is there for your own benefit.
"Yeah, and I don't trust it any further than I could throw it. Less, in fact." I emerged into early morning sunshine. It was not yet seven o'clock.
Do you trust me?
"Do you trust me?" I countered. I began to walk to the conveniently nearby strip mall. I'd need caffeine and fresh air to get into the proper chaos-spirit-fighting mindset.
Let's put it this way: in theory, I'm in full favor of rebellion, but not against me.
"Screw you, Demon Dad, you're not my real dad." Immature? Yes, but it got my point across quite nicely.
No. I'm not. I'm something much more. And were it not for that disintegrating shell of yours, I would demonstrate precisely what. If you still have these pretensions of free will when you have returned to your true state, you will pay the cost for your impertinence.
"Ooh, I'm real scared. Did you try to sound as clichéd as possible, or did it just come out that way?" I knew this was an incredibly bad idea, but really, that was cheesier than Lambeau Field in October. I simply couldn't let it go unmocked.
Keep mocking me, my child. I'll just keep adding it to your tab.
