Rainbow Dash opened one eye, then the other, only to find herself in... prison? That's what it certainly seemed like at the very least. She was in what seemed like a cell, chained up to the wall, behind big thick metal bars, wearing nothing but a skimpy little pair of underwear.
Wait, Dash thought, how the hell did I end up in prison? I didn't do anything wrong? Well, okay, I did beat up that one prick, but don't you have to have a trial before getting indicted? I don't ever even remember being arrested. And why am I wearing-
And then the realization dawned on her.
Oh, this is one of those freaky dreams, isn't it? Well shit, the last time I had one of these, Fluttershy walked into the cell wearing a Nazi outfit. As if things weren't awkward enough between us already. Hey... who is my captor this time around anyway?
Much to Rainbow's chagrin, the figure who opened the cell and walked through was not Fluttershy or any other pony, rather it was a much taller and leaner figure in it's place. Who was still wearing a Nazi outfit.
"Heather?" Dash asked, "Why are you here? What did you do with Fluttershy?"
Heather simply sneered, "Oh, Dashie," she said, "I only mean to ask, do you known anything about arithmetic?"
Dash did a double take: "Well, that's a weird fucking question." But before she was able to continue, Heather moved her finger to the Rainbow Pony's lips.
"Because tonight, I want to add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and, well, y'know."
Seriously, subconscious, Dash thought, that's honestly the best you could come up with? Thankfully you caught yourself on that last one or else you'd end up looking stupid on a level of epic proportions. As it stands now, you just look lazy.
Oh yeah, and that still doesn't answer the more important question- WHY THE FUCK AM I DREAMING ABOUT FUCKING A HUMAN?
"Well, why wouldn't you dream about fucking this human," Heather said, "I'm sexy."
"You can read minds?"
"No, I'm part of your subconscious, idiot. Now stop talking, because I have other plans for that pretty little mouth of yours."
"Better, but still not great," Dash said.
"I said shut up!" Heather yelled, and slapped Dash in the face. Now, if you're done yapping, I want you to put your face between my-"
Rainbow Dash awoke with a start, sweating and noticing that her cloud bed was slowly turning into a rain cloud. And not from the sweat.
"God, I really need to lay off the E before going to bed," Dash said, "I think I'm going to go take a shower... make myself feel less dirty."
Heather was miserable. Applejack had at least attempted to make Heather feel like she was at home, but it wasn't working. Going from being the glitzy Queen Bee in high school, to the star of a reality TV show, to... working on a farm in order to eat and have a place to stay... yeah, that wasn't exactly Heather's style. And furthermore, her company wasn't exactly the kind of people she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.
Bridgette was, of course, the other human sentenced to Sweet Apple Acres, and while it was't as annoying as being stuck with Gwen, Courtney, Leshawna, or, god forbid, Beth, Bridgette was still the kind of person who got on your nerves after a while. She was a little bit air-headed, very clumsy, and probably smoked a little too much weed for her own good. Not that Heather was opposed to smoking weed, I mean hell, she did it herself, but high Bridgette was significantly less likable than normal Bridgette. All of her air-headed qualities were significantly enhanced and she also became a bit of a jerk.
Still though, Heather found the closest thing she had to an ally in Bridgette. Like Heather, Bridgette was taken out of her natural habitat and placed into a situation where she had no clue what she was doing. Sure, Bridgette liked the outdoors, but she loved surfing, or at the very least just hanging on the beach with friends, not doing grunt work on a farm for food, shelter, and a little bit of spending money. Bridgette may not have been Heather's soul mate or anything but at least she was relatable. Actually, one of the few good things to come out of this whole Equestria situation was that she did, at the very least, get a little closer to the rest of the TDI cast that was stuck here. I mean, you do need someone to talk to, and when your alternatives are talking horses, you'll take what you can get. But all things considered, Bridgette was the least of Heather's problems.
The work itself was an issue for one thing. The Apple Family mainly relied on bucking apples but neither Heather nor Bridgette had the physical strength to do that, meaning that their jobs were mostly limited to moving or fixing shit, which got old really quickly. Not to mention there was the fact that, even in her limited role, Heather often found herself sore and in pain. Also it wasn't exactly great for her tan either. But that wasn't the main issue either, hard work, even hard physical labor, was something that Heather didn't necessarily like but was smart enough to understand that there are times when it's necessary, and this is one of those times. No, the much bigger problem was the rest of the Sweet Apple residents.
Well, not all of them. Big Macintosh mostly hung to himself. His words to the human girls generally consisted of 'good morning,' and 'here's what you have to do today, X, Y, and Z.' He wasn't really a nuisance or an asset, he was barely there at all. Which, considering Heather's opinion on the rest of the ponies, was probably a good thing. She did have to admit though, that despite how much she wanted to kill herself for thinking this, she did find him kinda cute. She admitted to herself that, if she was a pony, then she would probably be a little bit into him. But she wasn't, so it wasn't happening. Uh-huh, no way.
Granny Smith was easily ignorable. She was the matriarch of the Apple Family but she was so senile that she barely knew what was happening in the Farm's day-to-day operations let alone anything on a larger scale. Whenever she tried to talk to Heather, she would respond as quickly and bluntly as possible and then leave before she could ask anything else. Those two weren't really much of an issue, it was the other two that had Heather wanting to punch a kitten in the face.
Apple Bloom was a nightmare. She was pretty much the amalgamation of every annoying little kid Heather had ever seen in bad sitcoms, yet even worse because she was dealing with her in person rather then just watching her asshattery from behind the tube. Heather couldn't entirely pinpoint what about Apple Bloom infuriated her so much, but she could make a few educated guesses. Maybe it was the never ending happiness. Maybe it was the voice; Apple Bloom's southern drawl mixed with her prepubescent whine made for a very aggravating listening experience. Maybe it was the fact that she had, on numerous occasions, asked Heather for advice on finding her cutie mark, which was a subject that Heather, being a non-pony, had absolutely zero interest in. Maybe it was the fact that she just seemed so goddamn close to her siblings, whereas Heather could scarcely be in the same room as her brother Damien without trying to tear his larynx out.
Maybe it was the fact that she never shut up. It always seemed like Apple Bloom had something to say, had some nonsensical piece of shit passed of as an idea to contribute. Now, Heather didn't really care when she was communicating those ideas to her family or friends but the instant she started trying to talk to Heather (or, to a lesser extent, Bridgette,) was the instant that the teenage girl's blood started boiling. And again, she didn't really have a real reason why a child (or "filly" as they're called in Equestria,) provoked this harsh a reaction from her, she just did.
Or maybe it was her friends. Yeah, if one Apple Bloom wasn't enough, she often brought her friends with her, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle or whatever their names were, who were just as desperate to find that elusive cutie mark as Apple Bloom was, but were much dumber than AB, who at least had a little bit of intelligence in her. Heather tried to do everything in her power to get away from the so-called Cutie Mark Crusaders, as putting the three of them in the same place at the same time would inevitably lead to something breaking, but it was often unavoidable, as they were seemingly omnipresent at times.
And then there was Applejack.
Heather had to admit, there was a tiny part of her that was happy she had met Applejack, mainly because she couldn't remember how long it had been since she had despised someone this much. Literally, everything about Applejack seemed specifically designed for the sole purpose of pissing her off. The most immediate problem Heather had was, of course, the micromanaging. See, while Big Macintosh was content to tell Heather and Bridgette what they needed to do for the day and then let them do it, occasionally checking on them to make sure they were actually doing work but for the most part leaving them to their own devices, Applejack would leave what she was doing and show up every fifteen minutes to not only make sure they were doing what needed to be done, but make sure they were doing in the "proper way." And most of the time, it really didn't seem to matter result-wise what "way" you did tasks like sorting fucking apples, it was that there was seemingly a specific way that AJ was taught growing up, and nothing else was even remotely acceptable.
And she would always have quasi-motivational phrases or slogans to go along with it. Where as Chris McLean was content to let the world know he was a douchebag, Applejack kept trying to present herself as this salt-of-the-earth, kind-hearted, hard-working mare. which is kind of rendered pointless when a) you're famous, and b) you harass your employees, specifically ones that have nowhere else to go. And wherever Heather tried to approach her about loosening the reigns, she would reply with some bullshit answer like "well, I know I'm being hard on ya, but it's just cuz I care about ya and I want to toughen y'all up." Yeah, well fuck you too, Applejack.
It was beginning to get to a point where it seemed that was all Heather could talk about: how much she hated Applejack. Bridgette said she didn't like her all that much either but was starting to get a little sick and tired of Heather's bitching. After all, they had just dealt with Chris McLean, she said, and Applejack wasn't even close to as bad as he was. The other girls, having not spent nearly as much time with the orange earth pony, didn't seem to understand what Heather was going on about at all. So Heather was once again completely alone in her misery. Figures.
"So," Lindsay asked her new housemate, "Meet any cute guys?"
"No, not really," Twilight said, "Why do you ask?"
"Oh, c'mon," Lindsay said, "Surely you have to have seen at least one guy you like."
"Well, there is this one guard, Flash Sentry," Twilight said, "He's alright I guess, but I'm not really looking for a relationship at the moment. But what about you? I mean, if you're going to bring up this topic, you have to be able to answer the question.
Lindsay was disappointed with Twilight's non-answer but realized it would be hypocritical if she didn't respond herself, "Well, I can't say there's anyone here. Y'know, the whole different species thing is kind of a problem, but I can tell you all about the boys back on the island. There's this one guy I'm going out with... Taylor I think, or maybe it was Tristan... but anyway he's really cute, and he's big into sports even though he's not very good, he is really good at fantasy football though... and then there's-"
"Wait," Twilight said, "You were dating him and you can't even remember his name?"
"Well, name's aren't exactly my fort."
"Your what?"
"As I was saying," Lindsay continued, "There's this other guy, Trevor I think. He's a super cool guy, and also a really good guitar player, but he and Gwen got together pretty quickly and I didn't want to try and steal him from her. Then they broke up, but me and Tyson were still together. And then there's this other guy, Douggie, who's been in jail and stuff and I know I'm not supposed to like him but he's still really hot."
"I- I don't think I'd ever want to go out with anypony who's been in prison," Twilight said.
"You say that now, but the sexy bad boy definitely has his appeal," Lindsay replied, "And all this talk about the island is making me miss my makeup kit, which at times was the only thing that got me through the insanity... oh my god, I could make you look so pretty if I had it."
"Are you saying I'm not pretty?" Twilight teased.
"No... I never said that," Lindsay stammered, "But I could make you look even better. You might say you're not looking for anyone right now, but I could make every stallion in Equestria interested in you if I had the proper materials."
Twilight blushed a little. While attracting a stallion was never her primary focus in life, she couldn't help but feel intrigued by what Lindsay was saying.
Lindsay was about to continue, when she heard the door open, and heard Spike walking up the stairs. She didn't really want the young dragon to ruin their girl talk, and if he was around that's what would inevitably happen, so Lindsay resorted to her full-proof line.
"So, when dealing with your menstrual cycle-"
"And I'm out," Spike yelled, "See you girls later, I'm going to go... I dunno, bother Rarity I guess."
"Works every single time," Lindsay said after Spike left the house again.
Twilight smirked in a mix of disbelief and admiration, "You know what Lindsay, I thought you were kind of an idiot when I first met you, but maybe I misjudged you a little."
"Well, you know what they say, don't judge a book by it's pictures," Lindsay responded.
Twilight sighed, and put her hooves in her face.
"Applejack, I think you've been mistreating me since..." Heather sighed, "Too diplomatic." She concluded.
She was practicing in front of a mirror about what she'd tell Applejack. She had no idea how any of this would shape up, but she couldn't go on living the way she was.
"Applejack, you're a bitch.... no, too aggressive."
"Applejack, your reign of tyranny has ended... no, too Dragon Ball."
"Heather, what are you doing?" Bridgette asked as she walked into their shared bedroom (that was another gripe that Heather had with Sweet Apple Acres.)
"I'm practicing the best way to tell Applejack that she needs to either change things dramatically, or I'm leaving."
"Why don't you just make up some passive aggressive scheme like you did back on the island?" Bridgette asked.
"Because there's no way I could do anything without them instantly assuming it was one of us, and considering who's been the bigger nuisance so far, I'd get blamed just about instantly. No, unfortunately, I'm going to have to do this at least semi-directly."
"Well, why don't you just tell her then."
"You think I haven't tried?" Heather said, but before Bridgette had a chance to respond, Big Macintosh knocked on the door, telling Heather that Applejack wanted to talk to her. Heather grumbled, but complied, and made her way down to AJ's room.
"Hey, Heather," Applejack said, "Why don't you sit down. We need to chat."
Well, know was pretty much Heather's golden opportunity to tell Applejack what she thought of her. Unfortunately, Applejack spoke first.
"I don't think you're doing enough, Heather," Applejack said, "And everything you are doing, you basically have to be forced into it. Look, I know this isn't your dream job or anything, but we're doing our best to accommodate two extra bodies staying here, and if you're not pulling your weight, then that becomes a major burden on our finances."
"Well, it's not like I'm here by choice. Why don't you find someone else to work here?"
"We tried, but the only pony who's willing to trade humans with us is Rarity, and we're not too enthusiastic about Izzy working on the farm."
Trade humans, Heather thought, it makes us sound like we're fucking cattle.
"Bottom line is this, Heather," Applejack said, "I don't want to be the bad guy or anything, but you have to shape up around here, or else we'll have to resort to more drastic measures."
"Shape up? How about, don't tell me what to do, you stupid fucking hillbilly!" Heather yelled, "I didn't ask to get stuck here, and you didn't ask for me to get stuck here either, so why don't you just leave me alone, let me do my thing and I'll let you do yours."
"You apparently think you're too good for a little hard work, and yet I'm the stupid hillbilly," Applejack responded,angrily "No wonder no one likes you."
And that was it. Applejack was, as bitchy as she could be, usually pretty calm and not quick to anger, but she was pissed off today, and god did she manage to aggravate Heather, who by this point was so enraged that she did something previously unthinkable.
She punched Applejack in the face.
For a moment, the world stopped spinning. Heather was petrified, not sure whether she should be satisfied or terrified. Applejack laid on the ground, seemingly motionless for about thirty seconds, which was weird, as Heather didn't think she hit her that hard. Maybe these little ponies are just soft? Heather briefly thought. Wrong thought process.
Applejack got up and looked the human girl dead in the eye. All of the warmness that usually adorned Applejack's face wasn't present, replaced by a look of sheer hate and anger. Finally, after what felt like eons, the pony opened her mouth, and, in a shaky yet vibrant whisper, gave the answer to Heather's internal question about what she needed to feel at this moment; fear. And she did it with three very simple words.
"You're fucking dead."