//------------------------------// // Chapter 4 - I Have Stallion Bits // Story: Ponified Without Consent // by Daemon of Decay //------------------------------// Chapter 4 - I Have Stallion Bits ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ I needed to stop watching TV so much. Spending every night watching re-runs of Adventure Time until I became too exhausted to stay awake was not a healthy life choice. Last night was such a headache trying to fall asleep with Finn and Jake in the background trying to watch Ice King’s secret tapes. I must have crawled back to bed last night after shutting the TV off without even realizing it. I exhaled and a snort came out. Meh, just ’cause I was a girl didn’t mean I had to be dignified. Did I leave my window open last night? The chirping of birds refused to let me go back to sleep. The light on my eyelids seemed a little too bright for my room. I shifted, but something about me was off. My whole anatomy felt different. It was like my limbs were fighting my brain to stay in their current position. I tried to reach out. I couldn’t feel my fingers. I opened my eyes to a white bedroom covered with Blueblood fanart. What. The. Hay? Okay, I knew I had not been drunk or under the influence of anything last night, so how had I ended up in some obsessive fan’s bedroom? Above me was a larger than life (I was assuming) painting of him stretched out on an opulent white satin sheet. This person was obsessed. I knew I needed to get out as soon as my brain stopped telling me something was wrong. I met eyes with the painting and balked. Something about the expression of the image made me feel dirty just looking at it. I glanced down the length of the portrait. The painter had paid special attention to detail... too much attention. “Oh my...” I said out loud. My mind stopped. That was not my voice. I had somehow gone from a soprano to a tenor. “This room is getting to me—” My breath quickened. I turned my head to look around the room. Why was the hair falling over my eyes blonde? The closest it had ever been to blonde was that time I had experimented with peroxide my freshman year. Yes, I had dyed it from black to red again recently, but this wasn’t even close... I crossed my eyes to stare at my nose which was elongated and covered in white hair. I had a muzzle. A white muzzle. White... white and blonde... and I had a muzzle... and my hair... mane thing was blonde... and I was in Equestria in Blu—No. Please no... what is going on? In front of me, between two marble busts of Blueblood, in different expressions of snobbery, sat an opulent gilded mirror. I threw my body towards the edge of the bed to look into it, but my bed had other plans. My sheets had wrapped me in a cocoon, and I fell, muzzle-first, onto the marble floors. Okay, I might not have been exactly skinny, but I didn’t remember weighing that much when I last stepped on the scale... which might have been before the finals week panic, but that wasn’t important now. Was I wearing clothes now? I felt... fuzzy. I still couldn’t feel my hands or my feet. After some struggling, I finally bent my arms to where I could see I was completely covered in a silky white coat. Oh please no. Any other pony but him. Tell me I’m just an unfortunate mare that stayed in Blueblood’s room for no apparent reason. After wiggling like mad, I finally crawled from the sheets and stumbled towards the mirror. Oh, gag me... I’m Blueblood.  I looked at the flank that my brain was now in control of. Yep, that’s his cutie mark. Of all stallions in Equestria, why put me in the body of Blueblood? Of all ponies, why genderswap me to make me a stallion? Of all animals, why instead of a dragon or gryphon a pony? I was an omnivore. I watched my pupils shrink in the mirror as I realized two very significant things. First of all, I couldn’t eat meat, which meant I no longer could eat bacon. If I was expected to spend the rest of my life eating salads without the occasional courtesy of chicken, I was very likely going to kill somebody—maybe even one of those nice talking cows from that one episode—just so I could enjoy a hamburger! Secondly... I had stallion parts now. My scream almost hurt my own ears as I began to tear around the room in a panic. The painting and statues around the room turned into gold, white and blue streaks as I raced haphazardly around the gigantic bed. A small bell rang somewhere in the room, and I leapt onto the dresser, knocking off a bust that crashed out of sight. Instantly, a fleet of maids in frilly white and black saddles pranced in and cleaned up the mess while I tried to hide behind the bed. The show had never mentioned this. True, Blueblood had only ever been in one episode, but would they really have something so... well like this in a kids’ show? The maids took no notice of me and frolicked out of the room. Glancing at the top of the dresser, I realized there was a small trigger where the bust had stood. Was he seriously scared that someone would steal a bust of him? I sighed and pushed myself up on my hooves, looking down at the fluffy duvet embroidered with “BB” in gold. This... can’t be real. A butler walked in, and I involuntarily tried to dive under the bed. Of course, I was now too large to fit under there and I ended up bruising my shoulders. I had to get out of here. This couldn’t get any more ridiculous. “Master Blueblood. Would you like your lunch now?” “Who are you? Are you his butler?” “Again, Master Blueblood?” he said with a tired roll of his eyes. Is this a normal question for him to ask? “I’m not Blueblood.” “Of course you’re not, sir.” I arched my eyebrow. What the hay was going on? Was this behaviour normal? He had been somewhat particular about his tastes in the show, but this was downright eccentric. The proper earth pony butler placed the steaming plate of vegetables on a small gilded table sitting between two hideous rococo style chairs covered in gold leaf and white velvet. “I mean, I’m not even a stallion!” I tried to explain. “Of course you’re not, sir.” “No! Really! I’m a girl! I’m female! This isn’t my voice!” “As you say, sir.” “I mean... stallion? What am I say—I’m not even a horse!” “Of course you’re not, sir.” “Please, stop calling me sir...” I whimpered. “Of course, Master Blueblood.” I wasn’t sure if that was much of an improvement. I’d take what I could. While staring at the plate of veggies, I died a little inside. “I’m not hungry right now. Thank you, though. I need to—” “Master Blueblood, you are ordered to eat under threat of banishment by your Aunt Celestia.” Well, that got rather intense. I sheepishly walked over to the table. “Would she seriously banish me for not eating my veggies?” “She’d banish you for almost anything nowadays, sir,” he said with an exaggerated roll of his eyes. Huh... Four maids appeared out of nowhere and levitated me into the chair. I had no time or will to move as they forced me to sit painfully upright. One then combed my mane and another assaulted me with hairspray. Three more maids rose from out of nowhere, each one filing one of my hooves while a fourth one began brushing my fetlocks. I felt something pull on my tail and saw one of the maids glare at me out of the corner of my eye. A pegasus maid then flew in front of me with a fork full of impaled carrots. I gulped before magic forced my muzzle open and then slammed my jaw closed on the carrots. I would have shanked Princess Celestia just to get a steak. Lunch went like this for what felt like hours but only lasted five minutes or so. I knew it was five minutes or so because the butler sang a German operatic version of the Hearth Warming Carol exactly ten times. I counted it to take my mind off the glaring horde of maids pampering me within my personal space bubble. Their combined magic kept me still so that I couldn’t squirm away from them. After lunch was finished, I sat in my chair, too scared to move even when the magic was finally taken off. I didn’t even turn my head while I tried to examine the whole line of about a dozen servants standing next to the table. Had they multiplied? “Shall I read your fanmail to you, Master Blueblood?” “Eeeee...” I said. I was not entirely sure what sound came out of my mouth... but I knew it had an ‘eeeee’ sound in it somewhere. “Dearest Prince Blueblood. Meet me at the Concert Hall. You remember where. I got the outfit on. Sincerely, Frilly Frou. My Darling Prince Blueblood! I know you love me and I cannot wait to meet you. Please enjoy my newest picture that I drew of us! Our son has your eyes! ~With all my heart that belongs to you, Ruby Keep—See? She drew this...” My eyes darted to the paper and I gulped again. Sweat poured off my forehead and a maid patted me dry. “Please hide that where I can’t see it...” I squeaked before looking straight ahead. “Very good, Master Blueblood,” he said drolly as the picture burst into flames next to my face. The ashes scattered on my right foreleg and a maid dusted it off before returning to the line. “Message from Fleur...” he said, dropping a pile in front of me. “Ten of them since last night.” I finally turned my head and looked up at him. “Throw them in the waste bin as usual?” he asked. I whimpered. They threw themselves at a stuffed wastepaper basket next to my bed. “Ah... one from Miss Rarity—” I instinctively ripped it from his hooves. Prince Blueblood, I still despise you. Regards, Rarity She seriously took the time to send him this? The letter and everything was crafted with the quality suitable for an invitation, not hatemail. Was this something she did often? This paper didn’t look cheap. Neither did the ink, for that matter. Then again, maybe she wrote all her letters in gold calligraphy. Certainly seemed to fit her. The maids all exchanged looks. Was this something Blueblood wouldn’t normally have done? Good. “Shall I assume you want to burn it?” the butler asked, also looking confused. “Burn it?” “Yes... the germs, Master Blueblood?” “What... do you think she sneezed on it or something?” “I thought you...” He looked me in the eye as if trying to ask a rhetorical question. “Remember what I was trying to tell you before about me not being Blueblood?” “Shall I call the physician again?” one of the maids asked the butler while the others began to back away from me as if I might strike. “No need. Everyone, I have something to tell you.” I pushed myself away from the table and carefully moved to stand on my hooves again. “I want to make this very clear: I am not Prince Blueblood. I am not even from Equestria. I am not even male.” “Oh, this again...” a maid groaned. Well... there goes that plan. “This has happened before?” “Well... you’ve claimed not to be a stallion before...” I facehoofed, then made a mental note that facehoofing hurts. I mean, shoving an oversized nail the size of a cantaloupe into your face? Ouch. “Girls, Master Blueblood is obviously tired and in need of care.” The maids groaned. “You know what to do,” he added with a hint of command. One by one, they trotted out with their muzzles in the air as their hooves rhythmically tapped against the marble floors. I turned to face the butler and took a step towards the door. He blocked my way. “May I...” I began. “Don’t worry, sir, it will all be fine sooner or later.” I took a firm step forward and looked him in the eye. “Please move. I am not spending one more minute in this place.” “Very good, sir.” He didn’t budge. I reached my hoof up and sent my hair askew out of frustration. “Will you please move?” “Very good, Master Blueblood.” I took a step around him and he backed up to step between me and the door again. I could tell he was scared... Excellent... “You have three seconds to get out of my way...” I growled. He raised his eyebrow. “If you’re really not Blueblood, you would easily get lost and get into trouble.” “At least I won’t be here.” I pushed against him, throwing him off balance, and burst through the doors where the maids approached, dressed as nurses. They backed up when I stormed from the room. I stopped to stare at them, completely dumbfounded. I tried to figure out why they were dressed as nurses when they had obviously never been trained for the medical profession. When I figured it out, my cheeks grew red as I felt myself sympathizing with the feminist movement. For crying out loud! This was a kids’ show! “Stop him!” the butler shouted from within the room. They started prancing towards me after rolling their eyes. Seriously? They’re... prancing? “Why couldn’t I have gotten stuck in Ooo?” I groaned as I began to gallop in the opposite direction. Ahead of me, two guards came from around the corner and slid into place to block my escape. “Prince Blueblood! Return to your room immediately!” one of them barked. I backed up and then charged through them. I think my weight was the only reason they weren’t able to stop me. Prince Blueblood probably had been hitting the bon bons a bit too much recently. I slid on the marble floors but soon found my footing. “Not that way!” a guard shouted in panic. The doors in front of me glowed white and flung themselves open. I ran into the corridor while glancing behind me... and slammed right into Princess Celestia, knocking her off her feet and leaving a very confused gryphon staring into a now empty space. I lost my breath when I realized what pony I had knocked to the floor. I had just assaulted the monarch who raised the sun. This was the pony who singlehandedly banished her own sister to the moon for a millenium. And I had just sent her sprawling haphazardly in front of some sort of gryphon delegate. “Princess Celestia!” I squeaked. “I’m so sorry! I wasn’t looking! Let me—” A golden yellow aura silenced me as I rose in the air, floating in a fetal position. Even through the aura, I could see the hairs on her back bristle. “Chancellor, I will finalize the details at a later date. If you will excuse me...” The gryphon gave me a curious glance, then folded her glasses and tucked them away into her crest feathers. As soon as her tail disappeared through closed doors, I was dropped on my flank and Celestia rose above me, her eyes sending daggers. “How many times have I told you not to speak to me unless I have sent for you?” “Princess Celestia, you must understand! I’m not Prince...” I stopped when I saw her wince in pain. Did his voice seriously cause her to have headaches? “Your Majesty! We apologize!” Oh goody, the guards caught up with me. “Take him back to his room. I will compensate you both later.” “Princess Celestia! I’m not Blueblood! I’m a girl! My name is—” Once again, I was silenced by the aura. She began to levitate me towards the guards, her forehead wrinkling under the strain. I struggled and flailed about. I did not want to deal with those maids again. Maybe with my weight and with only her lifting me, the magic wasn’t as powerful? I could see pain on her face. If she would just set me down, I wouldn’t be making this so difficult for her! If I could just convince her I wasn’t worth the trouble of being magically levitated everywhere, I might have a chance to explain myself. Unfortunately, I convinced her I wasn’t worth the trouble when I kicked and flailed too vehemently, striking Princess Celestia in the jaw. At least I could run now. My magic threw open the pristine doors at the opposite end of the corridor, and I galloped towards them. “Prince Blueblood! Halt!” With a toss of my neck that left me dizzy, the doors slammed shut behind me. I didn’t know how many seconds I had and chose the first door to my right to enter. The peanut brittle ceiling rushed to meet me, and I raised my head to see Discord reclining as his couch revolved slowly. He was reading a book, eating each page that he finished while reading from back to front. He glanced at me and arched one of his white eyebrows. Of course... he can change me to another pony... or maybe a ficus plant but still, at least not Blueblood! “Discord! Discord, please help me! I just got away from my servants and I need you to change me into something else! Preferably a human!” He blinked at me multiple times. “Is asking me to do something for you going to become a habit of yours?” he said, snapping his fingers—or whatever they were called—to make his book disappear. Gravity finally made up its mind and dropped everything in the ridiculously tall room to the floor. I landed on my stomach and nearly lost the miserable lunch I had been given. Discord gave me a somewhat irritated look. “Please, Discord!” I stood up and stumbled to the heap of rugs in the center of the room, “I’m not Prince Blueblood! I have to get out of here! Please turn me into something else. I don’t care; just get me a different body! Preferably something that eats meat...” He continued to give me a blank stare with his “hands” behind his head. “Discord, please! I have to get out of here now! The guards are chasing me and I kicked Princess Celestia in the face!” Before I could think, he rose into the air and slammed a table down on my head.