Ah, the Shady Trough. The hottest hotspot in Canterlot’s dark side. A place so great that Luna’s entire guard hangs out there. More importantly, it was the favorite bar of Canterlot’s premiere DJ and Equestria’s fastest flyer. Of course, the court was still out on whether or not the bass player and diva that were accompanying the DJ and flyer would like the place. The bar was mostly empty that night. There were a few groups of night guards, but that was it. So, Dash, Vinyl, Rarity, and Octavia walked up to the bar to order.
“Hey girls, long time no see.” The mauve bartender said as she trotted up to the table.
“Hey Berry. And you’re right, Dash really needs to come up here more often.” Vinyl said.
“I come up here often enough.” Dash said.
“Yeah sure. Anyway Vinyl, I’ll go get the karaoke stage set up for you.” Berry replied.
“Oh great, you get to show off some more.”
“Glad I’m not the only one who has to put up with it this time.” Octavia said.
“Oh quiet you two. You could both join me if you wanted.”
“Sing? Oh, no, that’s good. I’m good.”
“Aw, is Wainbow Dash scawed of a wittle singing?”
“Hey, I’m not afraid of anything!”
“Prove it.”
“As a friend of mine once said, is that a challenge?”
“As I wish friends of mine would say, it’s rap battle time.”
With that, Vinyl Scratch walked off to help Berry Punch set up her stage. Rainbow Dash sat silently for a full five minutes before going over to the bar to get a beer. Apparently, she prefers to drown her sorrows preemptively. After a round or eight of ciders, Vinyl Scratch came back and told the mares the stage was ready.
“Ladies and gentlecolts, we have a special treat for you tonight. In this corner, coming all the way from down the street, the mistress of music, the princess of pop, the radio host with the most, Vinyl Scratch! And in this corner, the Cloudsdale queen, the weather pony winner, the Element of freakin’ Loyalty, Rainbow Dash!” Both ponies were met with a bit of applause, but the small crowd didn’t generate much.
“Alright, everypony knows the rules right?”
“Yeah yeah, keep it PG. Buzzkill.”
“That’s right. Now, get ready! Get set! Rap!”
“You know Dashie, you’re still brand new.
Considering that, I’ll go easy on you.”
“Imma let you finish, but it might take a while.
Just gimme a minute to rid you of that cocky smile.
See, I’m the best there is, yeah the top class pony.
Let’s cut it right here, just give the win to me.”
“You say I’m cocky? Look who’s talking!
The mare who always flies cause she’s too dumb to be walking.
You think you’re top class? I’m the pop culture elite!
Compared to me, Celestia is just ‘pretty neat.’
I got the job, the skills, the bits in the bank.
Only green back you got is the one on Tank.”
“You don’t scare me DJ, to me you’re just a zero.
Don’t forget which one of us is Equestria’s hero.
I saved the world more times than I should have to.
And I know for sure it’s been more times than you.”
“No, you’re right, I haven’t saved the world.
I only drop the sickest beats anypony’s ever heard.
I get paid to run my mouth and mess around with dear old Octy.”
“Scratch, you know these rhymes have been getting kind of sloppy.
Looks like the princess of pop is losing her touch.
Then again, we all know you didn’t start with very much.
I’m a champion of the world, you’re just a wannabe with a music room.
You’re not worth the effort of a Sonic Rainboom!”
“See, there you go, I told you you’re just new.
You finished too early, don’t deny it. It’s true.
With all the setup and the hype, you’ve gotta be stopping.
That means all I gotta do is take your rhymes and top ‘em.
You say you’re champion the world but your special talent is a fluke.
You’re no Wonderbolt material, and really not a Rain-nuke.
Face it Dash, everything about you is just silly.
Your entire fandom is just one little filly!”
A low applause came out from the audience as Vinyl grinned proudly. Berry Punch walked onstage next to them.
“Well, that was interesting. So folks, who won? Rainbow Dash?” Rarity and another two or three ponies clapped, “or Vinyl Scratch?” The entire rest of the bar applauded.
“Sorry Dash, looks like Vinyl is still the musical one.” Berry said.
“What a shock, the mare with a music note for a cutie mark beat the stunt flyer. I didn’t see that coming at all.” Vinyl said in an overly sarcastic manner. She noticed Dash was looking at something. Turning her head, Vinyl saw that Octavia and Rarity were walking onto the stage. Vinyl and Dash sat down.
“Whether this is great or goes down in fiery failure, it should be pretty cool to watch.” Dash concluded.
“Alright everypony, it seems two more challengers have come to the stand. Over here, we have the fantastic fashionista, the Element of Generosity, the crazy awesome cat lady, Rarity! And over here we have… um… sorry Octy, you really don’t have anything I can work with. I mean, cello, really?” Berry Punch said.
“Oh give me that. Ahem, good evening everypony, we hope we don’t bore.
Though I’m sure my opponent’s rhymes will make you want to snore.
We thought we’d join the fun now that Vinyl’s the winner.
Of course, with all her talk, I still paid for dinner.”
“Did you forget who you’re battling? Cut poor Vinyl some slack.
Not many mares can handle your way of driving from the back.
You’re manipulative and cold, and your art style is dull.
The reason you’re here with us is your dating chances are null.”
“And you call me cold? Well that’s a shock.
And my art form isn’t nearly as dull as your frocks.
I make music that soothes the mind and heightens romance.
All you do is make mares insecure about their pants.
Your shop is destined to fail, along with the other ‘Big and Talls.’
Not even you ever wear any clothes at all.”
“Unlike you, my physique is worth showing off.
And I’ve seen your clothes, you’re better off nude than wearing that old dish cloth.
Your fashion is appalling and your bowtie is just droll.
Your music form is less appealing than a model with a mole.”
“Yes, moles, because Ms. Maneroe’s career is in the trash bin.
Is that what you believe in that fantasy world you live in?
I heard designers were out there, but I didn’t realize it went this far.
On top of that, your rhymes are about as slow as tar.”
“Tar, is it? I’m sure that’s what you think.
But face it I can have this crowd, all I have to do is wink.
I’m a gorgeous mare singing right before their eyes.
Everything I ever do is only made to tantalize.
You, however, are staunch and stuffy and weak.
No wonder you went off to play with the other band geeks.
I think this battle’s done, you’ve been properly schooled.
I don’t have much more patience for dealing with you, you fool.”
A buzz of applause rang through the bar as Berry Punch once again took the stage.
“Wasn’t that… Chief! Chief of cello. I should’ve said that. Yeah… Anyway, wasn’t that great everypony? Now, who won? Octavia?” Vinyl Scratch made a ridiculous ruckus, and a few other ponies clapped, “or Rarity?” Rainbow Dash, this time, made a lot of noise as other ponies clapped. Unfortunately for a certain Earth Pony musician, more clapped with Dash than with Vinyl.
“Well done Rarity. A commendable performance.” Octavia said.
“Oh, you flatter me. It was all you, truly. I’m surprised I won. I suppose aggressiveness is the key to victory.” Rarity said.
“Well, your next opponent is Vinyl, so it sounds like you need to step it up to match her on aggressiveness.” Berry Punch said as the second white unicorn took the stage. Octavia went to the table to join Dash in deciding whether or not Rarity and Vinyl were twins separated at birth.
“So, it comes down to this. Are you two ready?” Berry Punch asked. Rarity and Vinyl nodded, “Well then, begin!”
“Yo everypony! Vinyl Scratch represent!
Kicking Ms. Fashionista’s tail is like an early birthday present.
I know you’re high class, so I don’t wanna sound rude,
but everypony else agrees that you’ve got a major tude.
And while you beat Octavia, your rhymes still stank.
Then again, what’d I expect from the mare with a rod up her flank?”
“Yes, thank you Scratch, that made it wonderfully clear.
I’m the obvious winner of the battle here.
In your first lines, you’ve already sunk fairly low.
The only thing lower is your record sales, you know.
You insult my personality, and say I have an attitude.
However, your insults are only immature and crude.
If I wanted to hear basic slurs, I’d go to my sister’s school.
At least I wouldn’t see you there, you dropout little fool.”
“Congratulations Rares. Really, way to go.
Now I’m not the only one hitting the low blows.
You want to look elite and proper and prim,
but now you’re on my level, and your chances look dim.
What would those Canterlot snobs even think of you up here?
You better get off the stage while you still have some dignity, dear.
Cause once I’m through with you everypony will know:
You might look the part, but you don’t fit in the show.”
“That’s all it is to you then, just a big old show?
You live in the city that every filly dreams to go.
You have a perfect life that got served to you on a plate.
Yet all you do with it is live life second rate.
I’ve worked my whole life just to get to this point.
Don’t think I’ll back down now, I’ll kick you out of this joint.”
“Like I said, what would those snobs think?
If you keep threatening violence, you’ll just end up in the clink.”
“The clink? What century are you in?
Though, that would explain why most of your songs are in my trash bin.
You’re outdated, rash, and incredibly dull.
I’ve heard better beats from Dash almost cracking her skull.”
“Let up would you? You’re way too in-your-face.
You’re acting so desperate, you’re assured second place.
Take this as a lesson from the priestess of pop:
When I only get two sentences in, it’s time for you to stop.”
The crowd applauded, and Vinyl Scratch bowed. Berry Punch trotted back onstage.
“So, before we decide the winner, do you two have any thoughts?” Berry asked.
“Yes, but I’m not supposed to say them in public.” Scratch said with a grin.
“Honestly? This is what I lost to?” Rarity asked.
“Lost? We don’t know for sure.” Berry Punch said.
“I’m reasonably sure even Dash applauded Vinyl there.” Rarity pointed out.
“So you’re just letting me win? That’s not nearly as fun as straight-up owning you.” Vinyl said.
“My apologies. Next time I see an obvious situation, I’ll behave irrationally.” Rarity said, rolling her eyes.
“You’d better.” Vinyl said.
“Well, I think we’ve heard enough. In a victory that I’m sure none of you saw coming, the winner of the rap battle is: the only mare with any previous experience with rap!” Berry Punch said, handing Vinyl a medal that may or may not have been made of a cookie.
“I’d give a speech, but I’m going to be too busy getting drunk.” Vinyl said as she cantered to the bar.
With that, both Dash and Rarity’s brief musical careers ended. After another hour or so of Dash and Vinyl drinking, the two pairs of ponies left for the night. Had Vinyl been at least partially sober, she would have noticed one or two of the night guard asking for her autograph/phone number. Of course, Dash and Rarity still had their first night together in the castle mostly ahead of them. Then, and possibly even worse, they had their second morning together in Canterlot ahead of them.