Epic Rap Battles of MLP

by enigmaMystere


Slice of Life Arc, Pt. 2 & Rap Battle #29

Enigma stood in the basement, frowning slightly. "...Vi, are you sure this will work?"

The mare in question nodded, smiling at him from behind her sheet of safety glass. "Of course it will!" She motioned to the harness on his back. "The power gem responds to the mental commands of the user. It shouldn't be difficult to switch your mindset from 'whip' to 'sword', or even 'club'. Just give it a try!"

The burgundy pegasus sighed, turning to look at the wood-and-stone practice dummy. "If you say so..." He closed his eyes and concentrated, a small scowl on his face. Slowly, the familiar red light of the Bass Drops started to extend, forming a couple of two-foot blades. He looked at them and grinned, only for them to flop down less than a second later. He sighed, shaking his head. "Great job, Vi. Two floppy swords. They're barely even a tenth of the length of my whips..."

Vinyl lifted up her shades, frowning deeply. "...that shouldn't have happened. Maybe if you tried swinging them a bit?"

He rolled his eyes but did as he was told, swinging one of them at the stone middle of the dummy's torso.

They stood there and watched for a while, but nothing happened. Enigma sighed and lowered himself back down onto all fours, turning to look at the unicorn. "It seems as if this is a dud."

She groaned, coming out from behind the barricade. "I thought for sure that would work!"

He raised an eyebrow at this. "Then why hide behind the glass?" A bell rings, causing him to jump in surprise and glance around in confusion.

She waved a hoof dismissively as she ascended the stairs. "Better to be safe than sorry, you know? Now come on, we need to answer the door."

He sighed but followed, slamming the basement door closed behind him.

The force vibrated through the room, and the dummy shook slightly. It stopped soon enough, standing still for a moment. Then the top half fell off, landing on the floor with a full thud.

The couple quickly arrived at the door, opening it to see three ponies standing there. Vinyl nodded at the smallest, smiling brightly. "Hey, Pinchy. Who're your friends?"

"This is Arrell and Yah-Shee!" The filly gestured at each stallion as she introduced them. "They're here on vacation!"

"...wait...Arrell? Yah-Shee?" The mare stared at them, eyes wide in shock. "I know you! You do that...that Death Battle thingy!"

“Yeah, we...do?” Yah raised an eyebrow. “...how do you know about it?”

Vinyl held up her phone, smirking playfully. “Crossing dimensions does wonders for your wi-fi.” She turned it towards her, pressing a few buttons. “I can access a huge number of shows that I couldn’t before.” She shuddered before putting it away. “Some I wish I hadn’t…”

Arrell tilted his head. “Huh...now that I think about it, didn’t you lose one of the battles?”

The white mare narrowed her eyes at him before putting on a small smile. “Yes, I did. I’m not angry, though - you explained it well enough.” She gestured to herself. “You know who I am, and this,” she motioned to the burgundy pegasus next to her, “is Enigma.”

He smiled at the other stallions, holding a metal-clad hoof out to them. “How do you do?”

Yah took the hoof and shook it before Arrell did the same. As he did, the unicorn responded. “We’re both doing rather well, given the circumstances.”

“Oh?” Vinyl tilted her head to one side, curious. “And what circumstances would that be?”

“Well, being in a whole new dimension that we’ve never been in, for one thing,” Arrell replied snarkily.

Enigma quirked an eyebrow at this. “Surely your dimension isn’t that different?”

“Our home dimension isn’t really a...dimension,” Yah tried to explain. “It’s more like a spot where all sorts of dimensions merge. So yeah, it is kind of different.”

The couple stared blankly at him, the gears visibly turning in their heads.

While this happened, the pink filly, who had been quietly watching, beamed and spun to look at the visitors. “Really? You live in a dimensional hub? That’s so cool!”

Yah smiled. “It’s pretty interesting, to say the least. Though it didn’t start out like one...” He rubbed his temple, as if trying to suppress a headache. “Long story.”

“I’d love to hear it!” She glanced at the clock on the wall, eyes widening slightly. “Oh no! I’m going to be late!” She rushed off, waving to the group. “See you later!”

The two hosts waved goodbye to her before turning back to Vinyl and Enigma. “Cute little filly, ain’t she?” Arrell remarked.

They nodded, the mare speaking up. “That she is. Helped us fend off an invasion a while back, too, believe it or not.”

The pegasus blinked. “...what.”

The feminine stallion chuckled, shaking his head. “Yeah. We got pinned down by this one changeling drone - Mimic, I think he was called - and she and her friends swooped in, knocking him down in less than two minutes.” He tapped his chin, thinking a bit. “Of course, the Queen used Berry’s weapon against her, and…” He waved a hoof, smiling nervously. “...it’s a long story.”

“Huh...definitely gonna have to tell us that later,” Yah said with a thoughtful nod.

The white mare pats his back, laughing heartily. “Will do, dude.”


“Rhino, you made it!”

The gray pegasus happily hugged him, grinning brightly.

The green stallion smiled, hugging her back. “Hey, I told you I’d show up didn’t I? I even found a present!” He levitated a box-shaped gift with blue and green wrapping paper.

“That’s great! Would you be alright with putting on the gift table with the others?” She pointed to a small table on the far side of the room, the top covered with wrapped boxes. There’s also a spherical gift precariously balanced on the very top. “I have to go check on Pinkie’s cupcakes. If we don’t keep an eye on them, Rumble eats them.”

Rhino chuckled. “I’ll be fine, you go do what you need to do.”

She nodded and left, heading into the Cake’s kitchen.

As he approached the table, a couple of unicorn fillies ran up, both of them beaming. The pink one leaped onto his back, tapping his cheek. “Hey, Rhino! Did you see that new mare in town?”

As soon as those words were said, a hot-pink-and-green blur rushed out the kitchen and out the open door, almost bowling over a sea green pegasus that was entering at the same time.

The filly in front of the stallion giggled, shaking her head. “Bewwy, you know she’s going to be scawed now, wight?”

Rhino turned his head around and raised an eyebrow at the filly on his back. “Did I miss something?”

Pinchy shrugged, smiling brightly. “Pinkie’s going to welcome that new mare...and then throw a huge party for them, I think.” She taps her chin with a hoof, a thoughtful look on her face. “I haven’t seen her, myself, but I hear she’s a white unicorn.”

The filly glanced over to one side, seeing a pair of pegasi in what appears to be a heated argument. “...hey, Dinky, do you know who that is?”

The gray unicorn looked at the green mare, tilting her head slightly. “...mom mentioned hew once...Lightning Dust, I think?” She jumped when the mare in question stomps a hoof on the floor. “...I-I’ll just be hiding by the punch bowl...” She rushed off, clearly scared.

The stallion frowned as he looks at the mares. “It’s definitely rude for grown ponies to have an argument at a foal’s birthday party...” He set his decent sized gift on a spot it would fit on the table. He turned back to Pinchy. “I think I did see the mare you’re talking about though, if she’s who I think she is, she was my waitress at the cafe earlier.”

“...a waitress?” She tilts her head, curious. “...that’s interesting...” She shrugged, looking back at the mares. “...is that Rainbow she’s arguing with?”

The mare with the signature chromatic mane gestures to the door, a frown on her face. The one opposite her growls angrily, despite the pink tint to her cheeks. She pokes the weather pony’s chest, obviously not going to do what Dash said.

“...and, of course, Scootaloo is going to try and back up her idol.” She stands on her hindlegs, her forehooves on his head as she attempts to get a better view. “...what are they even fighting about?”

“Well, I guess we can find out, but we’re being subtle about it.” He meandered his way through the ponies of the party until he got close to the mares, but then he walked right past them. He stopped a short distance away, positioned as if he was looking out the window. He spoke to the filly on his back without turning to her. “Just pretend like you’re doing something else, and keep your ears pointed at them.”

She nods, looking out the window as they listen in on the debate. Light writing appears outside the window, out of view of the ponies they’re listening to. I think we missed something. Scootaloo didn’t look this upset when she was approaching them.

The orange filly scowled, wings flared in anger. “You’re just a bully! And your breath smells really bad!” She pinched her nose, her eyes starting to water from the stench.

“Shut up, you hen. I’m talking to Dasher.” Lightning turns back to Rainbow, hiccuping slightly. “You ruined my dreams. My dad said I had to try my hardest, never give up. I promised him I wouldn’t. You made me break that promise!”

Pinchy tensed at the word ‘dad’. ...that’s upsetting...

The chromatic pegasus rolled her eyes, turning to leave. “Dust, go home. You’re drunk.”

Rhino’s fur bristled at the word ‘drunk’.

“One glass of cider! Non-alcoholic, even!” She turned to the side, huffing. “Not my fault cider gives me the hiccups...and if you tell anypony that, I’ll reveal your secret!”

The pink filly blinked, trying her hardest not to stare from that comment. ...is she using blackmail for something that silly? Really?

The stallion mutters his response. “Silly or not, I worry what this might escalate to if something doesn’t distract them.”

“In fact, you and your admirer can go-”

“Hey!”

They all turned to the brown filly, surprised by her outburst.

She stepped forward, blowing a lock of her pink mane out of her face. She glared at Lightning, pointing a hoof accusingly. “If ya got a problem with Scoots, ya got a problem with me. So leave her alone!”

The green pony scoffed, waving a hoof at the filly. “This doesn’t concern you. Any of you.” She turns to the duo by the window, scowling. “That includes you two eavesdroppers. This is between Dash and I. She ruined my life!”

“Don’t care ‘bout yer pity story. ‘Sides, everypony’s got a different point a’ view.” The newcomer strode forward, stopping right in front of the pony. “Still, I don’ like yer attitude, and ya definitely scared Dinky, so do us all a favor and leave!”

Dust growled, narrowing her eyes. “Not until Dash pays.”

A hoof lifted off Rhino’s head. “If I may make a suggestion?” The pink filly’s horn lit up, a moving light line drawing appearing in the air above her. The picture showed a familiar DJ, bobbing her head to an unheard song. “Miss Scratch might be able to help you! Right, Rhino?” She looked down at him, smiling brightly.

He nodded. “She is quite good at this from what I hear. I was actually hoping I’d see what she’s probably going to do to help you girls.”

Rainbow slowly began to grin, looking up at the filly on his head. “Rap battle?”

Pinchy nodded, giggling. “Rap battle!”

Lightning stared at them quietly, confused. “...what are you two talking about?” When they opt to leave to check on Dinky instead, she turned to Rhino, hoping he would explain.

He shrugged. “Don’t look at me for an explanation, I’ve only heard about these. They are renowned for getting things settled though.”

She shook her head, sighing quietly. “...whatever. I’m going to get my revenge, though.”

“Not if I have any say in it.” The brown filly turned to leave, smirking darkly over her shoulder. “You’re about to get your flank served, Dust.” She trotted off, leaving behind a shaken green pegasus.

Rhino watched as the filly left. “Wow, she’s got some spunk.” He patted Lightning Dust on the back. “Good luck to you though.”

She looked at him, unsure. “...thanks?”


Vinyl soon found herself onstage in town square once more, actually a little confused by today's matchup. She glanced at the stallion next to her, an eyebrow quirked. "You have any idea what's going on here?"

He shrugged helplessly. "Not a clue." He turned his attention back to the green pegasus onstage, who was wearing a headset and glaring daggers at the filly across from her. Oddly enough, said filly kept an even stare at the mare.

The white mare sighed, making a few last-minute adjustments as she muttered under her breath. "Well, at least it'll be interesting...and it's been too long for the readers..." She cleared her throat and shouted out over the crowd, pointedly ignoring the stare the feminine stallion gave her.

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF MLP!

VS.

BEGIN!

You really want a challenge? Don't test me, Seed.
You're just a flabby little filly who can't match my speed.
Look at me! I'm an up-and-coming Wonderbolt!
I'll crush you; plant this Seed ten feet under, dolt!
You’re playing Hardball with the Icemare -
I do those wild stunts that’ll make you scared.
Turn ‘round and bow out ‘fore you take my clout
Or else I’ll be forced to swiftly knock you out!

You think you're so tough just 'cause you're "fast as lightning"?
But when it comes to brainpower, I'm clearly the fastest, Lightning!
Look at me! I can terrify a full-grown pony,
And look at me; I’m not even full grown, pony!
You’re bucking insane, just like your wolfkin.
I’ll tear you apart, just like a wolf can!
If it's ashes to ashes and dust to dust,
Then that's what I'll be beatin' you into, Dust!

What, you think you're some lyrical brain?
You can't just make every line the same!
I have wolfkin, yes, but, like me, he’s fearless.
That's more than you can say for yourself - you hear this?
I'm blasting my rhymes at a Lightning-fast pace
To teach this blank flank filly to stay out of my face!
Just give all your stupid whining a rest.
I’ll win! After all, I’m the best of the best!

What’s the matter? Was that too smart for a clown?
Here, let me take the time, for you, to dumb it down.
Just stop for a moment -yeah, sit right there
And listen to the filly who's the envy of a mare.
That's right, I've friends, I'm content - what you got?
No one 'cause you shunned 'em on your way to the "top".
You can keep flinging insults like a cad at me
Doesn't change the chance you blew at the Academy!


WHO WON? WHO’S NEXT? YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF MLP!