//------------------------------// // Substitutes // Story: Angels in Equestria // by ArguingPizza //------------------------------// It took nearly a half hour of rolling around on the floor and desperately gasping for air before the four ponies of the Royal Family finally managed to calm themselves. After a few minutes of well-deserved silent treatment on my behalf, the meal continued as if nothing had happened. “So, Shining Armor, my sister and I have a request to make of you,” Luna announced after finishing off the last cupcake, which she had managed to sneak from under Celestia’s nose. Celestia shot her sister a death glare at the theft, which Luna made sure to ignore. “Anything, Your Highness. You need only ask it.” Bit of a tool, that one. “No, Shining Armor. This is not an order. It is a request. And, need I remind you, since your marriage to Cadence you are yourself a Crown Prince? All this ‘Your Highness’ and ‘Princess’ business does get rather old after a while,” Celestia replied with a motherly smile, and for a moment I was struck by the mirror image of Harmonia. Shining Armor hesitated, but nodded. “Very well, P-er….Celestia?” he said, unsurely. Celestia smiled brightly and nodded. It wasn’t often she heard her own name. Very few beings on the planet felt comfortable calling her anything less than Princess. “You see, Uncle Cornelius has requested-“ “Ordered.” “….Ordered, that Luna and I take a short…..leave of absence, until-“ “At least a week, plus however long I feel like extending it.” “Until the business with Discord is resolved.” Shining Armor glanced between Celestia and I. “Alright, but what exactly does this have to do with me?” “It is our wish that Cadence and you would be willing to temporarily take over our duties in Canterlot while we deal with the Discord situation.” Shining Armor’s eyes seemed to glaze over a bit, then with a firm nod he spoke. “I don’t know about Cadence, but I’d be-“ The sound that came next can only be described as ‘Heliscotrio’. The word itself is from one of six languages on a small inhabited moon approximately 1.4 million light years away from Equestria. On this particular world, every nine years an unusual fluctuation in the magnetic field of the gas giant it orbits causes a relatively small slice of the moon’s own field to collapse. A small section, barely a mile across but stopping only thirty miles above the surface, and presents no mortal danger for the natives. Unfortunately, it does allow solar wind, extremely volatile in this particular solar system, to strip away a small piece of atmosphere. After the anomaly ends, usually no more than six to eight seconds later, air rushes in to fill the space. The sonic boom this creates is so indescribably awful, so agonizingly beyond loud, that the natives developed a word for it. Heliscotrio. “Aaah! What the Hell?!” I screamed, which was echoed by everypony else in the room as they were thrown to the ground by the force of the Love Princess’s cry. “OHTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!” Cadence bounced on Celestia’s chest. In one smooth motion she scooped up her aunt in her hooves, enveloped her in a hug tight enough to pop out the Solar Alicorn’s eyes, and repeated the process with Luna. “Cady! What’s the matter with you?” Shining Armor asked. Or, really, shouted. His eardrums were perforated and he didn’t actually realize he was yelling. “Shiny! It’s my dream come true! I’m going to be a Princess!” Cadence squealed again, this time hard enough to drop herself to the floor. For several seconds, we all shared a confused look as Cadence continued to giggle uncontrollably. “…..Cadence. Honey. You’re already a Princess.” Recovering surprisingly quickly, Cadence gave her husband a flat look. “I know that!” she shouted indignantly, “I mean I’m going to be a real Princess! In Canterlot! With my own kingdom and everything!" “Cadence, surely you haven’t forgotten your own kingdom?” Luna added unsurely. Cadence dismissed her with a wave of her hoof. “Well, yes, I love my Crystal Ponies more than anything, but this is….this is Canterlot! This is every little filly’s dream! Including mine! Especially. Mine.” A dark, unsettling cloud settled itself above the youngest Princess. Outside, lightning flashed and thunder boomed. Followed immediately by a series of swears and apologies from a negligent weather pony. It’s hard to have foreboding atmosphere in a place where the weather is controlled by flying horses. “…..Right. Well, I suppose we shall leave you now, to allow you to celebrate in private.” Luna’s hurried excuse was followed by a rapid teleport spell. “As shall I. Luna and I shall make sure to send you our closest advisors to help the transition.” Most of Celestia’s excuse was actually spoken from the hallway outside the Dining Room as the elder sister made her own frightened withdrawal. The doors slammed shut, sealing me inside with the adorable, terrifying Princess of Love and Regent-to-be, and her totally-not-cowering husband. The two shifted their eyes to me. I stared at them. They stared back. …. “That was creepy as fuck. I’m out.” A snap of my fingers later and I was gone. I popped into existence in the middle of an empty hallway. I exhaled the breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding in and wiped some small beads of sweat from by brow. “By the Light, that girl needs counseling.” “Hey, did you girls hear something?” A voice came from around a corner in the hallway. A moment later the six Element Bearers came into view. “Oh my, hello there,” Rarity spoke. I made a point to congratulate myself on remembering her name while she continued. “I’m afraid we never got the chance to-“ “Alright, look, let me stop you right there.” The unicorn closed her mouth, unsure of my intent. “We’re not doing this.” The six mares looked to each other in confusion. “Not doing what, exactly?” Applejack asked. Another pat on the back for ol’ Cornelius. I motioned between the Elements and myself. “This. The whole introduction thing. It’s not happening.” Offence flashed across five faces, and disappointment across the sixth. I’ll let you guess who was whom. Rainbow Dash flapped her wings and came to a hover in front of me. “Hey! What’s your problem! We’re just-“ “Trying to be friendly, I know. I’m not going for it, because I’ve done it a thousand times and I am beyond done with it. I already know exactly what all of you are going to say and do, so I think I’ll skip the whole song and dance.” Sparkle stepped forward in defense of her friends. “And how, exactly, do you know that? Princess Celestia already told me you aren’t omnipotent.” The smug look on her face was adorable, but I wasn’t fazed. “You,” I said, pointing at Rarity, “are going to fawn over my admittedly bitchin’ armor and ask me for permission for you to base a new line of fashion on it. You,” I pointed at Fluttershy next, “are going to be too shy to talk at an audible volume for about twenty minutes before I let something slip about slaughtering Hell-Beasts, at which point you will lead the charge in trying to scold me.” The butter-yellow Pegasus squeaked and hid behind her mane. Pinkie Pie was next. “You are going to invite me to a Welcome-to-Equestria Party, which will become a Welcome-Back-to-Equestria Party a half second later when you remember I was here before any of your ancestors were even born.” Pinkie Pie raised her hooves in surrender and nodded, sheepishly pulling out a half-finished banner from nowhere that read ‘WelcomeWelcome-Bac’” I moved my finger to Rainbow Dash. “You’re going to challenge me to a race to see how fast these wings go, I’m going to Feather to the finish line, you’re going to get all huffy, and then Applejack here is going to keep your temper in check by tugging on your tail. Kinda weird, by the way, but hey, not gonna judge what ponies like to do behind closed doors.” At that, both Applejack and Rainbow Dash went red. Interestingly, both seemed to be from an equal mix of anger and blushing. I turned my attention to Twilight Sparkle. “And then there’s you.” Twilight shrank a bit under my gaze, then steeled herself and stood tall. “You’re going to beg me to teach you the secrets of the universe, then freak the hell out when I tell you one of the basic tenants of magic is based on a falsehood. That, or when I break something stupid.” “I would not ‘freak out’!” Twilight stomped, incensed. She was not a fan of my tirade against her closest friends. Unfortunately for her, I was not a fan of fucks, and as such had never acquired any to give. Without breaking eye contact, I reached out and lightly tapped a vase that stood on a nearby pedestal. It fell to the floor and burst apart with a crash. Twilight looked away from me to the vase, then back to me in horror. “That was a seven hundred year old gift from the Fourth Lord of the Minotaurian Principalities!” Loose hairs sprang from her mane and her eyes lost a bit of their coherence. “It was created from Birch’s Clay! It can’t be repaired with magic! It’s destroyed fo-“ I snapped my fingers and sealed her mouth shut. “Destroyed forever, yes, I know. That’s why I did it. Celly’s always been a bit of a packrat, so I’d say I did her a favor, not to mention proved my point.” Before any of them could respond, I Feathered out again. This time, I made sure to go where I knew nopony would be.