//------------------------------// // 9. The Good, the Brad, and the Ugly // Story: The Mixed-Up Life of Brad // by D G D Davidson //------------------------------// The Mixed-Up Life of Brad by D. G. D. Davidson IX. The Good, the Brad, and the Ugly The school gymnasium was a smoking ruin. The stage was a wreckage of splintered wood, and burning streamers of crepe paper hung from the rafters or smoldered on the floor. The merely human students, overwhelmed by pony magic, had fainted senseless and now lay strewn about the room like toppled wax dolls. Susan Shelby, also called Sunset Shimmer, had been distorted by rage and hatred into a towering, slavering beast. From her hands, she hurled fire that the Equestria Girls, partially transformed into ponies by the Element of Magic, deftly dodged. Shocked by the newfound agility of her magically enhanced humanoid body, Twilight Sparkle, trying to find cover, backflipped through the air and agilely landed behind the DJ booth where Vicky Scranton lay unconscious. “Give it up, Sunset!” Twilight shouted. “The power of friendship has restored my magic! You can’t win!” “You think I’ll come quietly?” Sunset Shimmer roared. “You think I’ll just bow my neck and let you lock me in stone like you did to Discord? You took everything from me, Twilight Sparkle! You took Celestia, you took my princesshood, you took my popularity in this world, and now you’ve even taken my boyfriend! You can burn in Tartarus!” “Give me my crown!” Twilight shouted. “Never!” screamed Sunset. “It should have been mine to begin with!” Her fists burst into flame, and she threw another pair of fireballs. Twilight grabbed Vicky and, shielding her as best she could, rolled out of the way before the DJ booth exploded. Roxy Dodgers, now equipped with a pair of wings, zipped around Sunset and yelled, “Hey, tough guy! Why don’t you pick on someone your own size?” “Pathetic human!” Sunset snarled. She snatched at Roxy with a clawed hand, but Roxy flitted back and forth like a hummingbird and blew a raspberry. Ducking low, Twilight sprinted across the room to where the other Equestria Girls huddled. Although most of her was still human, Twilight’s ears had reverted to pony form: since they were no longer mere inert lumps of flesh, she could rotate their pinnae toward sounds, capture noises unnoticeable to a mere human, and use them to gauge the distance of objects. Even without looking at her, and even though she moved quickly, Twilight could correctly estimate Roxy’s location and predict her movements from the sound of her flapping wings—but Roxy apparently didn’t realize that Sunset could do the same thing. “Roxy, don’t get so close!” Twilight shouted. “Look out for—” “Ack!” Roxy cried. One of Sunset’s claws ripped across the midsection of her dress and sent her tumbling to the floor. Twilight changed her course, leapt sideways like a shying horse, and then went into a barrel roll, grabbing up Roxy in the process. Flapping her own wings, she dragged Roxy out of the way just before Sunset brought down a massive foot to crush her. “Are you okay?” asked Twilight, cradling Roxy in her arms. “Ugh.” Roxy clutched her side, and blood seeped from under her fingers. “Guess I’m not used to this pony thing yet—” Twilight cast a spell. Her right hand sparkled with a violet aura, just as her horn had formerly done. She touched Roxy’s wound, and the skin closed. Roxy winced. “I don’t know if we can do this without the Elements,” Twilight said, “but we have to try.” “We can do it,” said Roxy with a weak grin. “Lead the way, Twilight. I know we can do it.” “There’s no hope for you, Equestria Girls!” Sunset boomed, pointing to the jeweled crown on her brow. “Do you think a little unicorn magic can possibly defeat the Element of Magic?” Twilight helped Roxy stand. Raising a defiant fist, Twilight said, “That’s not the only magic we have, Sunset Shimmer! We have the magic of friendship!” “Friendship!” Sunset scoffed. “What is friendship? In the face of power like mine, it is nothing!” “We’ll see about that!” said Roxy. The other Equestria Girls leapt to their feet and gathered close to Twilight. “Friendship is dreadfully important, darling,” said Rowellina as she flipped her hair. “Durn tootin’,” said Amelia. “Yeah!” shouted Paulina. “If you had friends, maybe you wouldn’t be such a big, mean, grouchy-mean-mean-meanie-pants!” “Um . . . yay?” whispered Faith. Together, the Equestria Girls leapt into the air. Faith, Roxy, and Twilight, flapping their wings, supported the others as, all together, they linked their arms in the form of the ancient emblem once worn by the One Judge. “By the power of love and friendship!” they shouted. To Twilight’s mingled shock and relief, a bright beam, colored like a rainbow, burst from their bodies and enveloped Sunset Shimmer in a whirlwind of light. From the midst of it, Sunset screamed. The pressure of the spell’s back blast hit the Equestria Girls like a solid wall. They lost their grip on each other and tumbled to the floor in a heap. Twilight had the misfortune to land on the bottom of the pile; her wind was knocked away, and sparks flashed in her eyes. After a minute, struggling to breathe, she climbed her way out from beneath the others and rose shakily to her feet, only to find that the whirlwind of light had been replaced by a column of black smoke. The smoke spread through the room and formed a thick haze. Twilight squinted through it as she cautiously stepped forward and saw, in the middle of the gym floor, a crater lined with blackened earth that had been fused to glass. Lying in the crater’s center, with steam rising from her body, was Sunset Shimmer, who had transformed back into a pony. At the edge of the crater lay the Element of Magic, Twilight’s rightful crown. Twilight stooped, took up the crown, and placed it on her own head. Her friends gathered around her again and gazed down into the pit. “So that’s a magic pony,” Amelia muttered. Faith whispered, “Is that really, um, what you look like in the other world?” “Yes,” said Twilight. “Well, more or less.” Sunset lifted her head and shakily raised a hoof. “Twilight—” “It’s over,” Twilight said. Tears poured down Sunset’s face. “Don’t be a fool, Twilight. Look at the power we have! Think of what we could do here! Don’t give it all up!” She crawled slowly toward the crater’s edge, one hoof still imploringly stretched out. “Imagine it, Twilight! The humans have no princess, nopony to lead them! You and I can be their princesses—no, more than that! We can be their queens—!” Clenching her fists and raising her chin, Twilight recited the words she had been taught to repeat since she was a little foal: “There is only One Queen,” she said. “There is only One Judge.” Sunset stopped crawling and lowered her hoof. She sneered. “Do you still believe those old legends of the Geldings, Twilight Sparkle? Of the unicorn Queen who created the ponies in the Valley of Dreams? Of Magog the Mighty, who descended on a rainbow and wrote the ponies’ laws? Do you still believe the Ponycalypse of Starswirl, which says Magog will come back someday?” “I don’t know,” Twilight answered, “but it doesn’t matter. Maybe the humans don’t have a queen or a princess of their own, but you’re not their princess, Sunset Shimmer, and neither am I. My kingdom is not of this world.” She raised her hand, and it again glowed purple. Under Sunset appeared a disc of bright light, into which she began to sink. “No!” Sunset screeched as she struggled to grasp solid ground and prevent herself from being pulled into the vortex. “No! You don’t know what you’re doing! I’ll give you anything! I’ll give you power!” “I don’t want power,” said Twilight. “I never wanted it.” Sunset sank quickly, and now only her face showed above the disc. “Then why?” she moaned, her tears running thick and fast. “Why are you the new princess instead of me?” “Because I didn’t want it. Nopony who grasps at power deserves to have it.” Twilight closed her hand into a fist, and the disc of light evaporated, taking Sunset Shimmer with it. The magic faded from the room. The crater in the floor disappeared as smoke and ash flecks coagulated into unburnt wooden boards and flew into place. The fires went out. Streamers, falling upward like a reversed rain, hung themselves anew from the rafters. The wreckages of both the stage and the DJ booth reassembled, leaping into place like marionettes pulled by puppeteers. The ears of the Equestria Girls shrank and changed shape, turning into human ears again. The girls’ long hair, which made them appear almost to have tails, returned to its former length. Twilight, Roxy, and Faith’s wings slipped into their backs. Slowly, with many groans, the students lying around the gym sat up, rubbed their heads, and looked around in confusion. Kneading a fist against his eyes and staggering slightly as if he’d just awoken from a deep sleep, Brad walked to Twilight’s side and grinned at her. She sighed, scrunched her eyebrows, and offered him a sad, lopsided smile. “It’s finished,” she said. “What happened?” he asked, his eyes turning up to the crown on her head. “I got my magic back. We fought Sunset Shimmer. And we won.” “You don’t sound happy about it.” He put his hands in his pockets and twisted his mouth. He didn’t sound happy either. With a twinge of jealously, Twilight remembered that Brad had courted Sunset before courting her. She looked down. “I hope that, someday, Sunset will learn to accept friendship. But at least now, well . . .” “You can go home,” he said. A lump formed in her throat. Without saying anything more, she nodded. Rubbing the back of his neck, Brad said, “Twilight, I know this is probably a really awkward time to say this, but, you know . . . I’d still really like that dance.” Her cheeks warmed. Nervous, she twisted a strand of her hair around her fingers and whispered, “I’d be honored.” With a grin, Roxy threw an arm over Brad’s shoulders and said, “Hey, how come you never ask me to dance?” Brad playfully punched her in the shoulder. “Yeah, right, Roxy.” Roxy laughed, but Twilight thought her face betrayed a trace of disappointment—or perhaps Twilight imagined it. Vicky Scranton, instead of putting on more house music, went to the concession table. Olivia, carrying her cello and sporting a bowtie, walked onto the stage and sat down. Others soon followed: Fred sat at the piano, Betty took up her sousaphone, and Elias went to his harp. Together, they began to play a slow waltz. Twilight had no idea how humans danced. She sucked in her breath when Brad took her hand in his and slipped his other hand to the small of her back. Gently but confidently, he led her through the movements. A couple of times, she stepped on his feet, but he didn’t seem to mind. When she had first entered this world, she had found her new body ungainly and impractical, but now she realized that it had a beauty and grace of its own. She had been horrified, too, at the thinness, vulnerability, and sensitivity of this body’s skin, but, trembling in Brad’s arms, she was suddenly grateful for it. Becoming human had deadened her hearing and sense of smell, but had heightened other senses to an almost painful pitch; the feel of him so close, and the touch of his hands, almost overwhelmed her. She stopped stumbling and stopped treading on his toes when she finally relaxed and allowed him to lead. He spun her once, and she gasped when he moved her into a dip, but he made these unfamiliar movements feel natural. When the song ended, he stepped back, bowed, and brushed his lips against her fingers, sending an electric shock up her arm. She swallowed, found her voice, and murmured, “You’re a good dancer . . .” He shrugged. “A lot of us in the theater club took lessons at the community center.” He released her hand, gave her a wink, and added, “But this music’s a little slow, don’t you think?” He ran to the base of the stage where his guitar case sat. He threw the case open, pulled out his Stratocaster, jumped up beside Olivia, and plugged the lead into an amp. Olivia gave him a glance that appeared disdainful, but a slight smile graced her lips. She carefully placed her acoustic cello on a stand, walked behind the stage, and returned with an electric cello. The students erupted into cheers. Brad played the opening riff from “Having Trouble with the Technology” by Tracer Vex. Vicky returned to her booth and added a backbeat, and then Olivia joined in. Soon, they were having an all-out guitar-cello duel while the students jumped around and cheered. Twilight merely laughed and shook her head. Amelia swung by the concession table and returned with six bottles of apple soda. The Equestria Girls opened the bottles, clicked them together, and drank thirstily. Amelia gestured toward the stage. “Ain’t really my style o’ music, but they are somethin’, ain’t they?” “Somethin’ awesome,” Roxy said. Twilight glanced at her and was both surprised and a little disconcerted to see how eagerly Roxy watched the performance, her wide eyes never leaving Brad. At Brad’s request, the Cosmic Council took yet another five-minute recess, and he couldn’t help but notice how Rainbow Dash, hovering a few feet above Twilight’s throne with her forelegs crossed in disapproval, watched him with narrowed eyes as he made his way out of the chamber. In the washroom, as Brad crouched awkwardly over a pony toilet and struggled to keep his balance, he considered that he had probably wasted Celestia’s offer of a boon. Still, he could think of nothing he wanted to ask of her that she would grant. All he cared about right now was getting Twilight out of trouble. Using the equine facilities was a chore. He still hadn’t mastered the bidet, so he ended up pouring a quart of water into his pants while trying to wash himself. He cursed under his breath, but could see no obvious solution to that problem, so he spent the next several minutes fumbling with the buttons on the front of his trousers. After that, he checked himself in the mirror to survey the damage: it looked as if he’d run off to the bathroom but hadn’t quite made it. He tapped his cane rhythmically on the floor while considering what to do. He could wait until his pants dried, which would probably take a while, or he could walk back to the chamber just the way he was. If Celestia had stood in front of him now and offered him a boon, even up to half her kingdom, he would have asked her to dry his pants. His indecision lasted only a moment: he pulled his top hat low over his ears, screwed up his courage, and decided to pile yet another buffoonish action onto the many he’d committed recently. He would march into the Council Chamber and announce to all and sundry that he couldn’t figure out how to use a pony bidet. No doubt the entire country would get a good laugh at his expense, but he considered that preferable to letting their minds go where they would when they saw what condition he was in. Just as he turned to the bathroom door, he heard a knock and a voice. “Brad?” The voice was Twilight’s. “Twilight Sparkle,” he answered, “just the pony I wanted to hear and not see. We have to stop holding conversations through doors. Hurry and blow it up.” He expected Twilight to laugh, but she didn’t. “What’s taking you so long?” she asked. “Did you fall in?” “No, but, considering how ponies make toilets, it’s only a matter of time. I did have sort of a problem with the washy-thingy—” “Is anypony else in there?” “No.” “Are you decent?” “Never.” She pushed open the door, looked him over, and giggled a little. “Well, this will probably hurt.” She pointed her horn at his crotch. “Whoa!” he cried, crossing his hands over himself. “There are places I don’t want you—gyaah!” He staggered back and moved his hands up to clutch his head. His ears rang for a few seconds, but after the unpleasant sensations of the magic spell had ended, he realized his trousers were dry—dry and very warm. “Quick-dry spell,” she said. “It’s simple. They teach it in kindergarten.” A faint hint of pink appeared in her cheeks. “And, by the way, I, um, like your new outfit.” She turned swiftly and galloped away. Brad thrust out his chin, puffed out his chest, and cocked his hat. “She likes my outfit,” he murmured, and then he walked back toward the Council Chamber with head held high. On the way, he shook his cane at the hall ceiling and said aloud to no one in particular, “How do you know when love is true? When you’re okay with her seeing you after you’ve wet your pants.” “I couldn’t have said it better myself.” Brad dropped his cane and spun around to find Princess Cadance standing about twenty feet behind, just outside the distance at which she affected him. “Cadance,” he said, “we have to stop running into each other like this. No, really, I mean it.” “When you didn’t return, Brad, Princess Twilight left her throne to find you.” “I was on my own throne at the time.” Cadance cocked an eyebrow, and a quizzical expression passed over her features. “Anyway, I thought it would be best if I followed.” “You think we need a chaperone?” She gave him a wide smile. “It so happens that I ardently recommend the chaperoning of youths, but no: I thought it would look better if you reentered the Council Chamber with me instead of with her.” Brad’s annoyance evaporated. “Oh—” “I don’t like it, Brad, but even I have to admit that the life of the court is not all about sincerity and openness. Appearances are also important. We have an expression here, ‘saving muzzle.’ Do you know what it means?” “I can guess.” “Twilight very much needs to save muzzle right now. So, then, will you do me the honor of escorting me back to the Council, Mister Brad?” “Fine. Just keep your distance.” “Of course.” He snatched up his cane, and the two of them continued down the hallway, Brad occasionally looking over his shoulder to be sure Cadance wasn’t getting too close. “You really recommend chaperones?” he asked. “Yes.” “For someone who makes such a big deal of love, you seem awfully straitlaced.” “Romance is all about rules, Brad.” “That’s news to me. Seems like it’s about breaking rules—” “Of course it is. But if there are no rules to break, what will romantics do then? How can lovers meet in secret by moonlight if they have no reason to keep secrets and nopony from whom to keep them? You cannot be a true romantic unless you have first learned how to be—how did you put it?—straitlaced.” “That makes no sense.” “Perhaps you will understand it in time.” They turned a corner, and Brad halted when he found a pony’s blue-furred muzzle hovering in front of his face. Surprised, he involuntarily released a small yelp and staggered backwards. “Where were you?” Rainbow Dash demanded. She was steadily flapping her wings, keeping herself aloft. She still had her forelegs crossed and a look of grumpy disapproval on her face, just as she had when he’d seen her last. He sucked in his breath and felt sweat break out on his forehead as Cadance pushed past him. “Hurry up,” Cadance said as she continued down the hall toward a pair of double doors. Brad clenched his teeth, leaned around Rainbow, and shook his cane at Cadance’s back. Rainbow took that as an opportunity to wrap a fetlock around his outstretched arm. “C’mon, weirdo. Everypony in Equestria is waiting.” “Does it really take three ponies, including two princesses, to find me?” Brad demanded as she dragged him down the hall. “Yes. You were taking forever.” He tried to extricate himself from her grip, but found he couldn’t. He stopped walking, but she barely noticed, continuing to drag him while his feet slid across the floor. Brad glanced around to see if any other ponies were present. Cadance appeared to be out of earshot, so he whispered, “What are you doing here, Roxy? How did you and the others find a portal?” Rainbow Dash paused, let go of his arm, and spun around. “What? What are you talking about?” He tapped his cane on the floor and leaned on it. “C’mon, don’t play dumb. You didn’t seriously think I wouldn’t recognize you, did you?” Rainbow’s eyes narrowed and she peered close into his face. “Have we met?” Brad backed up a step. “I know who you are, Roxy. We’ve known each other since we were kids. This pony thing isn’t even a good disguise. Why are you pretending? What are you up to?” Rainbow flew up almost to the ceiling and said, “That’s it, I’m outta here. Get back in here, or you’re gonna make this thing take all week.” She spun and zipped up the hall, disappearing through the doors. Shaking his head, Brad rejoined Cadance and entered the Council Chamber. “I am going to get to the bottom of this,” he muttered to himself.