//------------------------------// // Through the Looking Glass (And What Shining Saw There) // Story: The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted // by defender2222 //------------------------------// ~Meanwhile, in the human world...~ The man known as defender2222 sat at the computer in his company's conference room, a peanut butter sandwich within reach as he typed away at the keyboard. He wasn't on a working lunch, the conference room just happened to be the coolest place at the store and even though the weather had cooled slightly from its 90 degree inferno that had baked Southern Michigan the last few days, it was still rather hot and any relief was welcomed. The added bonus was that none of his employees could see him hiding in there during his lunch, allowing him a few minutes of peace to work on the next chapter of his Harry Potter/Pokemon crossover story. 'Alright, so I already know that what the first obstacle is... what should I do in place of the Devil's Snare?' he thought to himself as he took a drink of Pepsi. ‘Tangla is a bit on the nose, I think-‘ "defender2222..." The writer turned, looking up in confusion as clouds suddenly began forming overhead (which was weird because he was friggin’ inside), taking the shape of a regal looking lion. "Mufasa?" "defender... you've forgotten me." "Uh.... maybe? I don't know, I mean it has been a while since I watched The Lion King-" "You've forgotten who you are and so forgotten me." defender2222 frowned. "What are you talking about? I know exactly who I am! I am a manager and a writer and I do a webcomic on the side. I also think I might be insane… but then there is that whole Catch 22 thing that if I think I am insane then I can’t be insane-" "Look inside yourself... you are more than what you have become!" Glaring at the lion, defender2222 waved his index finger at the mystical clouds. "How about you try telling me something useful instead of this cryptic bullshit!" "You have abandoned The God Squad... you must return to your story. It is your destiny." "My destiny is to write about Cadence being a nympho?" "Yes." "(censored)." "Sorry." defender2222 scratched his chin. "But Mufasa... geez, this is strange... I am working on other things! My Harry Potter, Pokémon Master series is getting a lot of attention-" "Does it have a TVtrope page?" "Er... not yet, but I am sure-" "You must take your place in the Circle of Life!" defender2222 raised an eyebrow. "Really? Are you trying to tell me that the Circle of Life has Parody Writers?" "Of course," Mufasa stated dryly. "Life's a laugh and Death's a joke, it’s true." "... you stole that from Monty Python!" "Who were parody writers, please keep up." "Sorry." Mufasa nodded. "By all means, continue writing your Harry Potter story... but return to The God Squad, defender2222. It is where you truly belong." "What about The Doctor of Oz?" "...I have no idea what that is." "Ouch." Mufasa began to dissipate, his words echoing in the conference room. "You are defender2222... the One True King of Parody... remember who you are... remember..." defender2222 sighed. "I hate author insertion chapters... why do I write so many of them?" "Hell if I know," the Evil Muffin proclaimed. “defender2222…” the ghost of Obi Wan Kenobi intoned, “you must go to the Dagabah system… there you can write the next chapter of The God Squad-“ “OK, OK, I GET IT!” The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted Episode 14:Through the Looking Glass (And What Shining Saw There) In a small Beavarian village north of Prance, ponies, beavers and all other manner of wildlife were enjoying a nice, warm day while dressed in their white shirts and green lederhosen. The sun was out, the birds were singing, chocolate and beer flowed freely, and the little hamlet was making tons of money off of stupid tourists that were willing to pay 3x markup on junk just because it was made in a 'quaint' little cottage. There was absolutely nothing that could spoil the tranquil, peaceful mood... "AAAAAAAAAA!!!! …son of a bitch. Celestia flew out of the local candy shop, though not under her own wingpower. Landing in a heap in the middle of the dirt lane in front of the establishment, the solar princess blew a strand of hair out of her eyes as Luna and Chrysalis were booted next to her, slamming down with a thud. "Well, that went well!" Celestia complained, rolling her neck and making sure she hadn’t broken anything. "I think they were overreacting," Chrysalis stated, taking out a compact and checking her hair. Tydal let out a roar as he was flung down beside her. The sea god turned and, taking a deep breath, let off a string of expletives that would make a rapper blush. "I simply don’t see what all the fuss was about! I personally thought my cookies looked lovely." "Of course you did," Tydal snapped, pausing in the middle of rant to glare at his baby sister, rolling his shoulders in an effort to work the kinks out. "But to the candy shop it was a little offensive that you ripped open a box of Fig Newtons, plopped them on a tray, and proclaimed them better than the crap they serve!" "They were just testy," Chrysalis said happily, glad her makeup hadn't been smudged in her flight. “And do you deny that Fig Netwons aren’t tasty?” “Of course not, but you didn’t have to rub it in their faces!” "Someone sexy get in my way!" Cadence screamed as she was tossed out. "I'm sexy!" Luna said happily. "What do you-AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGG!" Cadence screamed in pain when she fell on Luna, her wings beating as she tried to get up. Luna, meanwhile, was too busy silently crying in agony as he organs were forced into her head; her eyes bulged out and all the veins were throbbing (and considering that 90% of her head was made up of her eyes, one understood just how much pressure we being applied). “And stay out, Das Ponies!” The owner declared waving his little hand at them before hurrying back inside to eat some wood or whatever the heck beavers do. The love goddess turned back towards the candy shop, shaking her hoof in anger (though she still hadn’t gotten off of Luna). "You’re just mean! I didn't want to work at your stupid candy shop anyway! I’ll show you! I'll... I'll make my own candy shop and it will be a billion times better than yours! It will have flashing lights and music and poles and mares dancing for cash-" "Cadence, that's a strip club," Celestia stated, using her magic to lift Cadence up and set her to the side. The pink alicorn blinked. "Oh... can we go to a strip club?" "Maybe later," Celestia said, using her magic to peal up the whimpering form of Luna. "Are you ok?" "Hello Samantha, did you dump Durwood yet?" Luna said in a daze. “Huh… I kinda like her better this way,” Chrysalis said. "What the hell is going on here?!?!" Shining shouted, rushing up to the group. "Hello Shining," Chrysalis purred, rubbing up against him. "What is that charming fragrance I smell?" "Skunk. I got sprayed by one," Shining stated drily. "What are you five doing out here? You were supposed to be getting the train tickets!" “Well, we were going to,” Celestia admitted, rubbing the back of her head awkwardly. “But then Luna saw something shining and darted into the candy shop-“ “WE ARE GOING TO MISS OUR TRAIN!” the stallion screamed. "We have plenty of time, Shining!" Cadence said happily. "The train doesn't leave until-" OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! They all flinched at the train's screeching whistle, turning in time to see the locomotive leaving the station. "-5 minutes ago." Cadence stuck out her tongue in annoyance. "Poo. Well, nothing to do about it now, let's go hit that strip club." “Works for me,” Tydal said, turning to follow Cadence. "ARE YOU ALL INSANE?!?!" Shining screamed. "Well, we aren't the ones yelling in the middle of the street," Tydal stated. "You don't get to talk!" Shining snapped. "It’s you and your stupid 'Doomsday Scenario' that are forcing us to try and get back to Equestria!" "You act like that's such a big deal." "You're subjects...are going to murder... everything in existence." Tydal rolled his eyes. "You know, Shining, you've become a real wet blanket since you became the god of bacon." "I am the god of the dawn, first off, and second-OOOWWWW!" Tydal grinned as he yanked on Shining's tail, the pain causing the stallion's magic to flare out and create a plate of bacon. "I stand by my statement." "Perhaps Shining Armor is right," Celestia said, deciding to act as the peacekeeper. "Maybe it would be wise for us, just this once, to focus on-" "Is that an antique store?" Luna said in delight. "Antiques?" Celestia exclaimed, eyes lighting up in glee. "Oh, let's go walk around! I so need to redecorate the throneroom!" "No, wait, we need to-" Shining looked down at Cadence, who was shoving him towards the store. "Why are you so excited?" "Antique means Strip Club, right?" Cadence asked. "Yes!" Tydal called out, earning a moan from Shining as his wife continued pushing him towards the store. Once inside the ponies, capricorn and changeling looked around in delight. All around the store were different objects dating back anywhere from a few years to a couple centuries. Of course, to all but Shining these were new items (since they had been alive long before the builders of these fine items had been born). The gods were quite surprised that while there were the standard antique tables and chairs one might find in such a store, the main attraction was a wall covered in all sorts of mirrors. "Excuse me, sir," Luna said, walking up to the beaver that ran the store. "Ah, hello there! No need to call me 'sir'... everyone calls me Harry." The owner shook Luna's hoof. "Now, what can I do for you?" "We were interested in your collection of mirrors over there." "You six have a good eye!" Harry said, hopping off his stool and walking over to the wall of mirrors. "These are my pride and joy... magic mirrors, each one of them." "Mirror mirror on the wall," Chrysalis chanted to one mirror, "who is the fairest of them all?" "Y-you are," the mirror said. "Ha, knew it!" the changeling queen declared. "You do realize he is only saying that because you are pressing a hammer to his face, right?" Celestia gestured towards the hammer Chrysalis had nabbed and was threateningly waving at the mirror. "Meh, you're just jealous you aren't the fairest of the all." "What's this one?" Cadence asked. "The Mirror of Erised," Harry stated. "They claim it can show you your heart's desire." Shining frowned. "That explains why I see Cadence and I hugging each other... but why is Twiley grinding my leg like that?" "Ha!" Tydal laughed. Celestia pointed at a strange mirror in the corner. "While we can deal with Shining and his need for a psychologist later…what is that one there?" The beaver rubbed his chin. "I just got it in... can't rightly say what it does. Some say it leads to a magical land full of satyrs and lions-" "Doesn't look like any wardrobe I've ever seen," Luna said. “I hate allegories,” Chrysalis stated. “Or is it allergies?” "Others claim it will release Pinhead, the lord of hell who enjoys nothing more than inflicting pains of the flesh upon his victims." "That leads to Pinny's house?" Cadence asked. "He's in my bookclub!" She rushed over and shook the mirror. "Pinny, helloooooooooooo!" The miror trembled before shooting off bright blue beams of light. “What did you think of ’50 Shades of Gray’? I thought it was really boring and the characters-“ "Cadence!" Shining Armor cried out, pushing his wife out of the way... ...only to get sucked into the mirror himself. "...well, that was different," Tydal said. "Anyone-" The mirror fired off a second blast that grabbed Tydal and sucked him in. "Well this is just a dick move!" he cried out before he too disappeared. ~MC~MC~MC~ "Ow..." Shining moaned, reaching up and rubbing his head. "That hurt." "Tell me about it," Tydal complained, slowly rising up from where he fell. He shut his eyes, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Remind me to declare a blood feud against mirrors, alright Shining? I'd do it now but my head hurts too much." "Yeah," Shining said, running his fingers through his hair. He blinked, slowly brining his hand down, staring at it. He wiggled his fingers. He turned his hand over and looked at his knuckles. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the now humanized pony screamed.