Chapter Three: Front Page
*BAM*
Princess Celestia was suddenly awoken by a clamour at her door. She rubbed her eyes of sleep and opened them to a flash of pink coming directly at her. The unidentified pink object tackled Celestia into her pillows and seated itself directly on top of her chest.
"Auntie!"
Winded, Celestia took some deep breathes while staring up at the face of her room's perpetrator, and niece, Cadence.
"Cadence?" she wheezed. "What could possibly prompt you to jump on me this early in the morning?"
"Oh, I think you know why." Cadence seemed absolutely giddy with excitement. "It's front page news! I'm so happy for you, Auntie!" Cadence crushed the confused Princess in a tight bear hug, winding the already-winded Celestia. Prying herself away from her ecstatic niece for a moment, Celestia quickly racked her brain for information on what Cadence could be talking about, but couldn't come up with a solid answer.
"I'm sorry, Cadence," she said uneasily. "I'm not sure I'm following what you're talking about. Did Herbal Green finally release that type of tea they've been talking about? I have been looking forward to that."
Cadence dead panned. "That's just like you, Auntie. Trying to give a bland answer like that to cover up the exciting truth, even though the whole population of Canterlot knows you've begun dating again."
"Oh, that's what it-WHAT?!" Seeing Cadence shrink back from her outburst, Celestia calmed herself and decided to ask again in a lower register. "My apologies, Cadence. C-Could you repeat what you just said perhaps?"
Cadence's happy attitude returned. "All of Canterlot knows you've begun dating again." Cadence opened up the newspaper she'd been holding. "See, it's front page. 'Shot Down! Stallion's Rejection Signals Princess Celestia's Return To Dating!'
Celestia's eye twitched. Swiping the paper from Cadence, she began reading the article in a panic.
Cadence put a hoof on Celestia's leg. "Auntie, I'm so happy you started dating again. You told me when I was a little filly that you couldn't date because of your responsibilities, but I always knew there was somepony out there for you. Congratulations on getting back out there!"
Celestia put the article down shakily. She remembered back to the time when Cadence was a filly who had just gotten her cutie mark. Love being her special talent, Cadence had always wanted to know why the Princess of Equestria didn't have a special somepony. Rather than go into the politics of it with a filly, she told her that a Ruler's responsibilities came before her love, and that she was simply too busy for a special somepony. This wasn't necessarily a lie, but not the entire truth so to speak. Unfortunately, this article was about fifteen different shades of wrong, so she was going to have to let Cadence down on this one.
"Sorry to disappoint you, but this article is wrong. There isn't a single part they got right. Not only am I not dating again, but I never actually rejected that poor stallion on the front cover."
Cadence gasped. "Does...does this mean...you..."
Celestia gave a comforting smile. "Yes Cadence, I-"
"YOU'RE GOING OUT WITH THE STALLION ON THE FRONT PAGE?!"
Celestia blushed, caught off guard by the question. "W-Wait, that isn't what I said-"
"Oh, I can't wait to meet him! What's he like? Oh, and what does he do? For that matter, what's his name?"
Finally finding time to talk, Celestia cleared her throat. "Cadence, please don't jump to conclusions. This stallion just asked me out right out of the blue during Day Court. I never rejected him, but neither did I accept his offer. He was too busy being chased out of the castle for me to respond to him. To be honest, I don't even know his name."
Celestia watched as Cadence's excitement seemed to melt away. "So...false alarm?"
"False alarm. I'm really sorry, Cadence. I know you've wanted to play matchmaker with me for a while now, but it simply can't be. As a princess yourself, you must know the dangers of relationships with ponies of lower status. There's always a great possibility that they only wish to gain royal status. To be honest, you're extremely lucky to have married Shining Armor, a stallion who couldn't care less about a royal title."
Cadence sighed. "Yeah, that's Shiny for you alright. Despite being a prince, he still stayed as Captain of the Guard. He doesn't even like the title. I hear if any of the guards refer to him as prince, he makes them do sit-ups until they pee themselves."
Celestia laughed. "Oh yeah, I remember a few instances of that. I even have pictures."
Cadence giggled and looked down at the newspaper quizzically. "This stallion though...he looks vaguely familiar. Speaking of him, can the guards even arrest him legally just for asking you out?"
"Surprisingly, yes," she replied, getting out of bed to stretch. "Unless a meeting is agreed on to discuss the relationship, it is illegal to form a non-platonic relationship with a member of royalty. Didn't you have to do that with Shining Armor? I can only hope you did; your marriage would be nullified if not."
Cadence laughed nervously. "Yeah...we did that...totally did that..." Suddenly, something clicked in Cadence's mind. "Wait a minute...Auntie! I know who this is!"
"You do?"
"Yes! His name is-"
"ESCAPE!"
Escape was awoken to the lovely sound of his name being shouted by his one and only sister.
"ESCAPE! GET YOUR FLANK DOWN HERE!
He rubbed his eyes groggily. What's got her panties in a knot? he thought. "Wait a minute, ponies don't even wear panties normally-OH GOD, DON'T PICTURE YOUR LITTLE SISTER IN PANTIES! Yeah, what am I thinking? Ponies are usually naked so-OH GOD, DON'T PICTURE YOUR LITTLE SISTER NAKED!"
Severely repressing his thoughts, Escape hopped out of bed and headed downstairs into a well-decorated kitchen he could proudly call his, to find Roseluck angrily skimming through a newspaper. He had to admit, there was a certain amount of fear that shot through him when she put down the newspaper and turned her glare towards him, but he managed to keep his bladder in check before he wet himself. He was a real stallion after all.
"I knew it!" she yelled, throwing her hooves up in the air. "I totally knew this was going to happen! Some photographer just had to be there and he got a perfect shot of what you did yesterday! Just look at the paper and see for yourself!"
Escape scanned the newspaper and tried to pick his jaw off the floor. "No! How could this happen?!"
Roseluck scowled. "I know! With that picture, your reputation is going to be ruined, and mine will too by association."
He turned to Roseluck gloomily. "I don't give an armadillo's ass about that part! It's the 'signals her return to dating' part that concerns me! I didn't think that the media would see it that way. With this, every stallion under the sun is going to get the confidence to ask the Princess out! My chances are lowered!"
She shook her head. "Well, that does suck, but you should be a little concerned about that part. You'll be the laughing-stock of Canterlot now if you don't actually start dating the Prin-"
Roseluck was interrupted by a knock at the door. "Who could be knocking at your door this early?" she asked quizzically.
Escape shrugged. "No idea. I'll check."
Coming to his front door, Escape opened it to see a tall, cloaked pony standing at his doorsteps. The pony kept their face completely shrouded by their hood.
"We know..." the mysterious pony said eerily.
Escape raised an eyebrow at the pony. "...Umm, am I about to be assassinated or something? The whole silent thing you've got going along with the cloak is really ominous."
"Oh...sorry...may I come in?"
Escape eyed the pony for a moment. "Well...alright, but my house is a killing-free zone, okay?"
The cloaked pony merely nodded. The two stepped inside and the cloaked pony threw back their hood to reveal a dark blue mare with an ethereal mane of the same colour, similar to that of Celestia.
"W-Wait a minute," Escape stammered. "Y-You're Princess Luna, aren't you?"
Her turquoise eyes scanned the house suspiciously. "The very same. I've been told your name is Escape, better know as The Earth Pony Magician or The Magicless Magician. Is this correct?
Escape bowed his head. "Yes it is, your Highness."
"Tell me," she continued. "How can one perform magic without a horn?"
Escape smiled slyly. "Well, your Highness, a magician never reveals his secre-"
"They're mostly just optical illusions," interrupted Roseluck who'd been watching from afar. "But he's become so good at them that ponies simply assume what he's doing is magic. Also, it's an honour to meet you, your Highness."
While Escape pouted over lost mysticism, Luna looked between the two of them and glared daggers into Escape.
"Escape, who is this...this hussy?" Luna asked harshly. "You dare bear love for my sister and have the nerve to keep another mare on the side?!"
"...Hussy?" exclaimed Roseluck.
Although surprised, Escape was quick to respond to the situation. "Don't worry, your Highness," he said confidently. "That hussy is just my little sister."
"Hey! Why am I still a hussy?!"
Rather than fix the situation, Luna instead crinkled her face in disgust. "Why, that's even worse! You wish to pursue my sister Tia while keeping your sister on the side?! I thought that type of thing was illegal in Eq-...you're implying you don't love your sister romantically, aren't you?"
"Yep," he replied. "If I was going to keep a mare on the side, there's no way it would be Roseluck."
"Yeah," Roseluck agreed. "...Wait a minute, and just why not?"
"Uhh-"
"If I may," piped up Luna. "I shouldn't even be here, so now that your sister thing is cleared up, I'd like to discuss my sister thing."
The two siblings nodded respectfully. "Go ahead," they said in unison.
"I come to you today to plead that you not give up on your pursuit of my sister. I know you are probably still crestfallen from yesterday's rejection, but-"
"I haven't given up on Celestia," interrupted Escape. "And I'm not really 'crestfallen' either. Just wanted to throw that out there. Continue, please."
Luna looked shocked. "I...you aren't?"
"Yeah, she never really rejected me, she just never gave me an answer. Now I know that kind of counts as a 'no', but it's a no with hope. I'm just going to try again in a little while."
"Oh...well that's admirable of you. I suppose this is good then, because I also came here today to give my support for your pursuit of my sister, as well as give you a bit of an edge."
"Edge?"
Luna reached into her cloak and remove a neatly wrapped scroll. "Here," she said, giving the scroll to Escape. "This is a copy of my sister's day planner. It will show where she is going to be at what time. I've even circled the best times to approach her."
Escape fumbled the scroll. "Oi oi," he exclaimed. "I'm all for easy meetings with the Princess, but I think this constitutes as stalking, don't you?"
"W-Well," she stammered. "There really isn't any other option."
"Actually, I was meeting her pretty easily just by random encounter. No offence, your Highness, but while I appreciate your support, I would rather not have this."
Luna's jaw hung wide for a moment before forcibly shutting it. "V-Very well then, Escape, but allow me to at least give you some help. At 5:30 today, Tia will be sitting on a wooden bench outside in a secluded part of the Royal Garden. She will be alone, as she has requested she would like to be unguarded for some time during the day."
"Hmm," murmured Escape in thought. "I could make use of that one. Thank you, your Highness."
She smiled. "If all goes well, then you shouldn't need to address me as such. After all, members of the royal family need not be so formal with each other."
Blood rushed to Escape's cheeks as he tried to prevent his smile from overtaking anymore of his face.
Luna threw her hood back over her head and opened Escape's door. "I wish you the best of luck, Escape. Before I leave, I must leave you with one warning: Be as quick as possible with showing your love to Tia. With today's front page, I'm positive you won't be the only pony after her affections."
With that, Luna was off onto the streets of Canterlot. After fully absorbing what had just occurred, Escape turned to Roseluck with a grin. "I'm going to need some more flowers, stat."
Inside the barracks of the Royal Guard, a group of trained guards stood at the ready, waiting for orders from the captain. The captain, Shining Armor, glanced over his men.
"Salute!" he shouted.
"SIR YES SIR!" they responded in turn.
"Good," he said, walking down the line of guards. "I'm sure by now, all of you have found out about that publicity scandal that happened yesterday with her Highness in Day Court. Because of him, we're going to have to deal with an increasing amount of ponies trying the same thing 'Romeo' tried yesterday. We must be vigilant! We can't let what happened ever happen again. I want any pony who tries such an act arrested, especially our stallion from yesterday. Be on the lookout for him. Remember, this is for the purity of our ruler, Princess Celestia!"
"YEAH!" came a chorus of agreeing guards.
"Now," continued Shining Armor. "Don't forget about the bake sale the guards are having for charity this Friday. I expect you all to be there."
"Oh, oh, can I bring lemonade?"
"Yes you may. Now, dismissed!"
"SIR YES SIR!"