So there I was, bleeding quite profusely, trapped inside my own mind with the dead body of an evil warlock torturer pony lying nearby and a goddess toting a submachine gun standing over me.
Overall, a pretty standard day for me so far.
With her enemy disposed of, Lady Luck finally looked over to me, her expression suddenly going from the cold anger she had directed at Kowelth to one of great concern at seeing the state of me.
“Oh, you poor dear,” She exclaimed in a tone that, had I not just seen her blast a unicorn apart with a Tommy gun made out of her own willpower, could be described as motherly. Tossing her weapon to one side she knelt down beside me and placed one hand upon my chest. “Here, let me help you with that,” She murmured as I felt a strange soothing warmth run through me. After a strange tingling sensation, I felt my body become as good as new, much to my amazement.
“...Where the hell was that when I was laid up in hospital for a week?”
The Lady coughed, “Erm...Gods are not allowed to interfere in the affairs of mortals?”
I raised an eyebrow and looked over to Kowelth’s body, which looked pretty damn interfered with.
“Fine,” She pouted, “I was tired from using my powers to cheat Ares out of some magical arrows. It was exhausting just to manifest myself to you and berate you for being in such a state. Speaking of which...”
I winced back and closed my eyes on reflex in preparation for the verbal beatdown of my relatively short lifetime. Imagine my surprise when, instead of of a tongue lashing, Lady Luck simply grabbed my hand and hauled me up with her surprising strength.
“C’mon, let’s get a drink. You look like you need one.”
Still slightly dazed, I allowed myself to be led over to my mind bar, which thankfully had managed to escape the worst of the devastation. I didn’t have time to fully inspect the drink selection earlier, mostly due to the whole evil psycho unicorn thing, but now that I had the time I noticed something strange about the drinks. Upon the label of each bottle behind the bar, in place of the usual brands of intoxicatingly wonderful drinks, was a date. Below each date was a short description in tasteful flowing text. I squinted at the nearest one and squinted hard:
13/04/2009
Stole a total of five wallets from CEOs of various businesses. Blew the money on whiskey and party poppers. Held impromptu drunken party in mafia den.
The next one along revealed a little more of the tale:
14/04/2009
Woke up surrounded by members of the mafia. Received three broken bones, multiple bruises and a fractured jaw before managing to escape out a window.
“They’re memories,” Lady Luck pointed out, “And some pretty hilarious ones at that.”
“Okay...that’s not creepy at all. Does this bar have any, you know, actual drinks or is it all just terrifying recollections?”
“Oh, I’m sure we can figure something out, we just have to be creative. Just look for any dates where you were particularly drunk.”
That didn’t take too long really. All I had to do was look for any dates around Christmas time and then start reading. Back home, on Earth that is, Christmas was always a sore time for me. Maybe it was something about a time of the year where everyone stayed snug inside with their families that rubbed me the wrong way, considering I never had that...
“Ah, here we go!” Lady Luck cried triumphantly, holding up a bottle for my inspection. The label was surprisingly concise, but exactly what we were looking for in the circumstances.
24/12/2011
Drunk.
Well ain’t that just a tragic little window into my life.
Regardless, I plucked the bottle from the goddess’s fingers and deftly popped the cork out on the edge of the bar. Smelling the liquid inside didn’t do me much good in identifying what exactly it was, even with my rather extensive knowledge of alcohols. Memories don’t smell like any drink I’ve ever encountered. Though they do smell very strong.
As I poured the two of us a drink of pure Memory, I felt the need to ask a question that had been buzzing at the back of my mind for a while.
“If you don’t mind me asking, why do you do all this?” I began, getting a raised eyebrow from Lady Luck, causing me to wave my arm at the destroyed casino, “I mean helping me. Why do you care enough to save me when I do stupid things like getting caught? Aren’t I just a pawn to you?”
For a moment, Lady Luck looked furious at the question and I feared I had overstepped my boundaries by questioning her. Then all her anger disappeared as she sighed into her glass, raising it to her lips and swallowing the whole drink.
“I’ve never viewed you as a pawn, you know that right?” She looked directly at me now, her eyes earnest. “You are many things Ace, more than you currently know, but you are not my pawn.”
“So what am I to you? You chose me to be this ‘Wild Card’, your champion you said. But surely there are much better candidates? Soldiers and fighters. Tacticians and geniuses. Men and women who can command a situation just by being in it. So why me? Why some no-name thief from the streets of London?”
Lady Luck sighed again, something that she was doing with alarming frequency recently. “Have you ever heard of Hercules?” She asked suddenly.
“I think I watched a Disney movie about him once, why?” I asked, confused by the sudden change of subject.
“Well, just so you know, I blame him for all this,” She waved one hand to indicate both the general area and myself, “Not just him of course, Theseus and Jason and all the others played their parts as well. Here, Drink up.” And she reached over and poured some more Memory into my glass.
“Can we even get drunk here?”
The Lady frowned, “I’m actually not sure. But then, considering what I’m about to tell you, it’s worth trying. Where was I?”
“You were ranting about Hercules or something.”
“Oh right. Basically, back in the day, gods such as myself used to do some really stupid things. I’m talking really stupid here. A bit like those people in America who celebrate their liberty by shoving fireworks up their asses. That level of stupidity. Naturally, all this messing about ended up with something no one wants on their hands.”
“A lawsuit?” I guessed.
“No, worse. Children. We had to keep messing around with mortals, which led to demigods,” She took a deep gulp of her drink, “We gods were young back then. We had no idea how to raise children so we did what any young parent does. We alternated wildly between spoiling them rotten and practically abusing them with our demands. This led to entire generations of self-entitled, emotionally-damaged superheroes running around killing stuff for fun.”
“I’m still not seeing where this is going.”
“Hold on, I’m getting there. Anyways, the demigods. Eventually, the Big Man realised just what terrible parents we all are and chose to do something decisive. Of course, the thunderbolt throwing jarhead was was never the brightest star in the sky so his decision was marred slightly by his usual brand of incompetence. Instead of forbidding us from sexing up mortals whenever we feel like, he instead chose to ban us from raising our children. Said that they had a better chance of growing up normal if we just left them with mortals. Bastard.” She spat with a level of venom that I had never seen from her before.
“So you’re not allowed to raise your children?”
“Oh it gets worse. Not only are we not allowed to raise them but we have to give them over to the Big Man for ‘relocation’. That’s right, we don’t even get to chose where our kids go!” All of a sudden, the glass in Lady Luck’s hand shattered, her death grip upon it evidently proving to be too much. She stared blankly at the glass that had lodged in her hand and the blood that slowly trickled downwards.
I was a little scared to be honest. I’d never seen the Lady like this before. She was usually so...calm. The sort of ethereal calm that only a god could project. Even when she had been angry at me after the whole White Tail Incident she still hadn’t been as bad as this. That anger was born out of concern for me, either as her valuable puppet or however else she viewed our relationship. This wrath wasn’t directed at me, but instead was aimed at herself. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that this anger was born out of...
Guilt.
“Wait...what exactly are you trying to tell me here?” Worry tinged my voice as I spoke, threatening to break it as I began to get an inkling of what she was talking about.
“Ace...those years of your life that you spent alone. Growing up without anyone to hold you, to care for you. Surviving on your wits and your speed...” She looked up at me now, holding my eyes with her own tear filled ones, “Ace, I’m so sorry.”
I was silent as I stared back at her. No words seemed appropriate at the moment as I tried to process what she was telling me. “Are...are you saying...?”
“Yes Ace, I am your mother.”
I looked away from her, unable to stare into her pearly orbs any longer as they begged me for forgiveness. I idly noted that I had drained my drink and was unconsciously pouring another. A thousand times I had gone over what I would do if I ever found my parents. These little fantasies ranged from revenge daydreams to accepting and tearful hugs all round. Needless to say, I had not expected this to be the reunion that I had dreamed of for so long.
More than a few of these little fantasies in my head ended with me telling my true parents that I didn’t need them. That I had survived without them under my own power. Now I couldn’t even do that. As confident as I was with my skills, a damningly insistent part of my mind told me that my luck had saved me more than a few times. This luck wasn’t a part of me, just a gift from an estranged mother apparently.
“So where does this leave us?” I finally managed to say after three glasses of Memory.
Lady Luck turned back to the bar and grabbed another glass, quickly filling it and taking a sip. “I’m not sure. It’s up to you I guess...” Her tone, almost pleading as it was, clearly stated what she wanted.
“Who’s my father?” I asked suddenly.
“What?” Lady Luck’s head snapped up to look at me.
“My father. Who is he? I mean, unless gods can just do it by themselves I guess.”
“No, no, nothing like that. He was a gambler by the name of Peter Wilding. He was one of the best players in the circuit for a while and then, one day, I decided to go against him in a game of high-stakes poker.” She smiled in nostalgia, “Oh what a game that was. I was so confident that I would win I even put my heart on the line, no small move for a goddess. And then he managed to pull a royal flush out of nowhere. I’m pretty sure he was cheating...but I didn’t mind.”
“What happened to him?”
“After I gave birth to you, the Big Man found out and banned me from interfering with Peter’s life. It meant I could do little more than watch as Peter eventually cheated the wrong man at cards...and payed the price for it.”
I winced at that and took another gulp of my drink. I had seen what happened when a card shark wasn’t careful with their prey and couldn’t imagine what it was like to be forced to watch as a loved one went through that.
“Sorry,” I murmured, getting a silent nod from her in response, “So...you’re my mum eh?” She nodded again, “I’m having more than a bit of trouble believing that to be honest.”
“Well it’s true.”
“If so then what happe-Oh sweet merciful gods!” I spat out my drink as I realised something.
Lady Luck turned around in surprise, looking half ready to blast some new threat, “What? What’s wrong?”
“I just realised. When we first met and you sent me to Equestria...I thought you were sexy! That is so wrong!” I stuck my tongue out in disgust as though I had tasted something sickening.
Lady Luck stared at me for a moment as she comprehended the situation. Then she began to giggle, a light tone that tinkled in the air. Before long her giggling had gone to full blown laughter as she rocked about in her bar stool, looking danger of falling on the floor from laughter. Surprisingly, I found myself chuckling as well, before joining her in raucous laughter.
“Looks like your old mum has still got it.” Lady Luck managed to say through her snickering, which prompted a fresh wave of merriment from the two of us. Maybe this Memory drink was actually managing to affect us after all.
I wiped a tear of laughter from my eye as I slowly managed to calm down, “Wow, we are one fucked up family aren’t we?”
“Yeah I guess so,” Lady Luck responded, managing to cease her rocking by holding onto the bar, “Not exactly the hugs-and-kisses, be in bed by eight sharp and stay in school type are we?”
“Definitely not. By the way, what do I call you? Lady Luck just seems so,” I frowned before managing to spit the word that neither of us was fond of, “formal.”
“How about Fortuna? Or maybe Tyche? Those are some of my original names after all.” She paused as if struggling with what to say next, “Or maybe Mum? If you want to that is.” She asked hopefully.
I froze before letting out a sad smile, “Maybe one day but this is all still so...new. I think I’ll stick with Fortuna for now.”
Fortuna responded with a sad smile of her own, “I understand.” She said sincerely, not quite managing to keep the hurt out of her voice. “Anyway, we should see about getting you back to the real world. Events are progressing quickly now and it would be a shame if you were to miss them.” She stood up and I joined her so that we were facing each other in front of the bar.
“Before you send me back, I just want to say...” I struggled with my words on this point as I gazed at her, deeply aware that my own eyes were shimmering with barely restrained tears, “Thanks for helping me out all these years. I understand that you couldn’t interfere directly but...thank you anyway, for the luck you know.”
I suddenly found myself swept up into an embrace as Fortuna buried her head into my shoulder. Surprised, I wasn’t sure how to react for a moment before eventually allowing the embrace, wrapping my arms around her as well.
“Ace, I am so very proud of you.” She said, her voice breaking slightly as she whispered into my ear. “My son...”
We stood like that for a while, simply enjoying the embrace of a relative we both thought we’d never be able to interact with. Fortuna was clearly unwilling to break her hold and, to my surprise, I found that I shared the sentiment.
Imagine what the gangs back home would think. The great thief Ace, a feared foe to all who possessed valuables, desperately hugging his mother and crying like a baby. I couldn’t care less about my image though. For the first time in my life, I didn’t need to be the suave thief or the plucky survivor. At the moment I felt like a little boy. A little boy who missed his mother. Tears happily streamed down my face and around my wide smile, slowly dripping off to dampen Fortuna’s suit. I could feel a similar situation developing on the shoulder of my own coat as a goddesses’ - no, a mother’s - tears began to pool there.
Eventually, we were forced to break the embrace and look at each other. Years of earnest longing, of loneliness and pain, of guilt and anger and negligent showing for all the world to see. My eyelids began to feel heavy and slowly started to close of their own volition, though I managed to keep a smile on my face as they did so.
I would probably never have a proper parental relationship. But this...this was a good start.
I woke up with the bonds that held me mysteriously gone. A little help from above I guess. Kowelth was standing exactly where he had been when our mind battle had begun, except now he was staring blankly ahead and drooling slightly out the side of his mouth. So that’s what the result of losing a mind battle is. Now I am extremely grateful for Fortuna’s assistance.
I gingerly stepped around the unmoving unicorn and picked up my gear from the table nearby, slipping each instrument and tool back into its proper place. I was more than a bit amazed that they hadn’t bothered to take my stuff more than a few feet away from me. This is the second time they’ve managed to capture me and they keep making the same stupid mistakes. Maybe they’re just really firm believers in the phrase ‘third time’s the charm’?
Regardless of their faith in stock phrases, I had no intention of getting captured again. Not when I now knew I had a mother figure who would greatly disapprove of that. What if she frowned at me? Or if she told me off?
What if she was...disappointed in me?
I’ve heard that a mother’s disappointment is a terrible thing to have to face, even more so than anger. I still remember the tale of Antonio Musumeci, who had been an Italian gangster of some fame, running home with his tail between his legs when he heard his mother’s disapproving tone. I can only hope it won’t be that bad for me. Poor Antonio could never show his face in the underworld again without being called a ‘momma’s boy’. Of course, Antonio was also a violent psychopath so it wasn’t like his presence was really missed.
All these thoughts flitted through my head as I left the torture room and crept through the lower bowels of the ship, which meant that I wasn’t paying the greatest amount of attention to my surroundings. I’d just had an earth-shattering bombshell dropped on me, I think I can be forgiven for being a little lax.
Although, as the crossbow bolt flew past my head, nicking my ear and causing a thin stream of blood to flow out, I kind of wish I had been paying more attention.
Being snapped quite forcefully out of my reverie, I looked up to notice the lone pony stood in front of me. He was a perfectly white pegasus with a long, almost feminine looking mane. His wings were fully outstretched, revealing the twin automatic crossbows he had strapped beneath them. An infuriatingly smug smirk adorned his muzzle, revealing surprisingly perfect teeth for a pirate.
“Ha! I knew that fool Kowelth wouldn’t be able to hold you for long.” Oh dear gods even his voice was infuriating. It was like someone had tried to grab every accent that could be even slightly described as ‘posh’ and meld them all together into one eldritch vocal abomination. “But as for moi, I am Lieutenant Hunter, Thought Hunter, and I am much better than that. I’ve analysed you. I know you. At heart, you’re a coward who avoids a direct confrontation in favour of tricks and silly rouses. In a straight up fight, I think I alone should be able to-”
It was at about this point in his self-important monologue that my knife slammed into the meaty part of his right foreleg. For a few moments, he just looked at it in complete silence, seemingly amazed that someone would interrupt him.
Of course, then he started screaming.
“OH SWEET CELESTIA! You stabbed me! Who does that? This really hurts you know!” He continued to blubber incoherently for a moment before he seemed to remember that he had freakin’ crossbows attached to his wings. “You’ll pay for th-huh?”
I was, of course, not stupid enough to give him a chance to aim. In the time he spent whining about being stabbed, I had already stepped forward, crossing the short distance between the two of us. My right hoof swept up into a snap kick, sending his head shooting upwards to look at the ceiling and his eyes spinning. Planting my right leg firmly on the floor I spun my entire body around, my left leg swinging around into a vicious spinning reverse roundhouse kick that slammed into the side of the stallion’s head. The force of the blow sent the pony flying to one side, his hooves actually leaving the floor for a moment before he landed in a heap, his breathing deep and his body not moving.
“Huh, that was the easiest boss fight I’ve ever had. If that was their lieutenant than the rest of the crew should be a cakewalk.” I murmured as I retrieved my knife from the good lieutenant's leg.
As I moved towards the ladder, ready to face an entire shipful of bloodthirsty pirates, I let out a sigh. I really need a safer hobby than this. Maybe I should take up origami or something.
I pondered that for a moment.
Nah, that sounds boring. Fuck that noise, let’s go poke a hornet’s nest.