"Order! Order!" the mayor pleaded to the small group of Ponyvilians gathered in the basement of the library. "I've called you all here today to discuss an urgent matter that I'm sure you're all aware of."
"Eeyup," Big Macintosh confirmed.
"An evil pony has declared war on Equestria, and placed our town under siege!" the mayor went on. "We've attempted to send word of our plight to Princess Celestia, but have yet to receive an answer."
"That's because somepony lost the letter before we could send it," Bon Bon muttered, giving the evil eye to a bluish-gray pony with a group of bubbles as her cutie mark.
"I'm sure it's in here somewhere!" the bubble-cutie-marked pony insisted, digging through her bag.
"Granny Smith," the mayor inquired, "you've been here longer than any other pony - have you ever seen anything like this?"
"Of course!" Granny Smith proclaimed, glancing around the room. "If you've seen one basement, you've seen 'em all."
"No, I mean the...never mind." The mayor facehooved. "What are we going to do?"
"It's hopeless!" Daisy screeched, toppling to the floor. "We're doomed! Doomed, I say!"
Cheerilee stared back up the stairs, listening to the sounds of destruction coming from above. "We'll just have to send a personal envoy to Canterlot!" she declared. "The princess will surely know what to do!"
"An excellent idea, Cheerilee!" the mayor agreed. "Thank you so much for volunteering to embark on this dangerous mission!"
"Wait, I didn't..." Cheerilee looked back at the rest of the ponies, who had backed into the far corner of the room and broke out their best 'please?' faces. "...Fine," Cheerilee decided. "For the future of Ponyville...I will go to see the princess."
"Fantastic!" the mayor exclaimed, ducking underneath a nearby chair. "Let us know how it goes, will you?"
Cheerilee sighed, and headed back upstairs. She wasn't sure how she would accomplish her mission, but she knew she must...or else.
Cheerilee peered out through the library window, watching as roving bands of lions, tigers, and bears roamed the streets. "Come on, girl, think!" she demanded, pounding the side of her head. "How am I going to get to Canterlot fast enough to keep this town from being destroyed?"
Suddenly, a lightbulb went off in her head. "That's it!" she realized, dashing out of the library, darting from building to building to avoid detection, and finally making her way to a rundown shack on the outskirts of town. Pushing open the door, Cheerilee found the structure empty, save for an inebriated pony in a straw hat tipping back a glass jug full of clear liquid. "Well, I'll be!" the pony slurred. "'Ow are ya, Miss *hic* Cheery?"
"Just fine, Ninety Proof," Cheerilee answered, setting a hoofful of bits on a nearby table. "I'm gonna need two barrels of your best stuff. It's for a special occasion."
"Sure thing, *hic* miss!" Ninety Proof gestured to a stack of barrels in the corner of the room. "Take whichever ones ya want - it makes *hic* any occasion a special one!"
"Right...thanks, NP." Cheerilee picked out two barrels and rolled them out of the shack. Taking extra care not to be seen, Cheerilee made her way to the train station, where the engine had been tipped over and was out of commission. Spying a hoof car sitting next to a maintenance shed, Cheerilee pushed her liquor barrels over to it and secured them to the sides of the car with a loose piece of rope. Jamming some small rope fragments into the barrels, she started pushing the car towards the rails.
Suddenly, a loud snort behind her made Cheerilee spin around...just to time to see the slightly-dazed bull she had duped earlier glaring at her and preparing to charge. "Just freaking perfect," she muttered.
With an irritated moo, the bull rushed towards Cheerilee. After taking a moment to think, Cheerilee jumped up onto the hoof car and blew a raspberry at the bull. "Come and get me, big boy!" she shouted. The taunt only made the bull ran faster, but Cheerilee calmly pulled the ropes holding her barrels tight, and hoped Ninety Proof used quality barrels.
WHAM! The force of the bull slamming into the hoof car sent pony, barrels, and car flying through the air. Trying to gauge her landing point, Cheerilee leaned to one side to change her flight path, and ending up executing a perfect four-point landing onto the railroad tracks. "Well, that's one problem solved," she declared, reaching into her bag and pulling out a box of matches. "Now let's hope this rope burns quickly..."
After shaking the stars from his vision, the bull regained his bearings, located his target, and charged again. Striking a match and lighting the strands of rope in the barrels, Cheerilee nibbled nervously on her hooves as the bull closed in. "Come on..." she chanted at her makeshift fuses. "Come on..."
Arriving at his destination, the bull decided his previous method of attacking was ineffective, and instead leaped into the air, preparing to execute a massive body slam on his prey. "YAHHH!" Cheerilee screamed.
BOOM! In the nick of time, the burning fuses reached the alcohol in the barrels, setting off a massive explosion that sent Cheerilee and her hoof car rocketing down the rails, while leaving the bull with nothing but a singed face. "YES!" Cheerilee shouted happily, hanging on for dear life as her speed approached the sound barrier. "Next stop, Canterlot!"
As it turned out, Ninety Proof had done an extra-exceptional job of distilling his wares this time, and the force of the blast carried Cheerilee all the way to the Canterlot station. What she found there, however, was worse than she had imagined: Chaos reigned in the city, as ponies and animals clashed in the streets amidst smashed storefront widows and the charred remnants of overturned carts. "Yeah...this whole 'harmony and justice' thing is getting off to a great start," Cheerilee deadpanned.
Cheerilee began making her way to Canterlot Castle, running from house to house to avoid the angry mobs now patrolling the streets. Upon reaching her destination, however, she found the castle completely locked down, with the drawbridge raised and several menacing-looking creatures standing guard at every door. "Blast it all," she muttered. "I'll bet my right hoof that the princess is trapped in there somewhere...but how do I get in?"
Cheerilee looked up at the walls of the castle, then over at a nearby lamp post. "I wonder..." she whispered to herself. "If I got that rope from the cart..." Quickly working through the math in her head, she decided it was worth a shot, and turned back towards the train station...only to find herself face-to-face with four snarling Diamond Dogs.
"Hold it right there!" one of the dogs commanded. "All ponies are to be taken to the disposal site in Canterlot Stadium, by order of Master Monarch!"
"Disposal site?" Cheerilee repeated. "What are you talking about?"
"We're getting rid of all the pretty ponies!" another dog squealed. "From now on, Master Monarch says we get to run Canterlot! ...Er, that is, if we promise to be nice."
"I see...and getting 'rid' of ponies qualifies as nice...how?" Cheerilee inquired.
"Enough!" the first dog dictated. "Less talk, more moving!"
"Lemme think about this for a second...no," Cheerilee decided.
"The we make you move!" the first dog ordered. "Get her!"
As the dogs raced in to attack, Cheerilee sighed. "If I must..." she declared, taking a deep breath...and letting loose a primal scream as she leaped at her attackers.
POW! BAM! ZAP! The fight lasted all of forty-five seconds (and came complete with Batman-style battle graphics), as Cheerilee unleashed a flurry of punches, kicks, and kung fu chops on her unwitting opponents. The dogs found themselves routed in short order, and quickly fled with their tails between their legs.
"Phew!" Cheerilee breathed a sigh of relief and continued on her way. "I'll have to thank Twilight for recommending those books about ancient martial arts," she noted. "They turned out to be both fascinating and practical!"
In no time at all, Cheerilee retraced her steps to the train station, retrieved the rope she had used to tie down the liquor barrels, and hurried back to the castle. Selecting a suitable house near the lamp post she had targeted, she collected whatever loose debris she could find into a large pile next to the house's outer wall, granting her access to the roof.
Once atop the house, Cheerilee fashioned her rope into a makeshift lasso. "Okay, Cheerilee," she told herself, "you can do this. Just remember what Applejack said during that rodeo seminar..." Swinging the lasso over her head, she took aim and flung the loop towards the lamp post...missing by a good ten feet. "This is going to take a while, isn't it?" Cheerilee muttered.
Luckily for Cheerilee, 'a while' turned out to be just five more throws, as the rope finally hit its mark and looped around the top of the post. "Perfect," Cheerilee proclaimed, pulling the loop taught atop the pole. "Now I just have to..." She gulped as she looked down at the ground, then up at the castle wall. "...do my best Daring-Do impression," she moaned.
At this point, the enormity of the situation finally started to hit the schoolteacher. "Good grief, girl," Cheerilee realized, "do you realize what you're trying to do? You're trying to break into Canterlot Castle and stop some mad pony from taking over Equestria!" She shook her head at the thought. "Are you sure you're up for this?" she asked herself.
The raspy sound of a buzzard's call as he glided in to attack told Cheerilee the time for introspection was over. "Yipes!" she shrieked, tightening her grip on the rope and leaping off the roof.
As luck would have it, both Cheerilee's rope and math held fast, and the pony swung down past the lamp post, brushing her tail on the ground as she went by, and launched herself towards the castle wall. "Here we go!" she shouted, letting go of the rope and flying through the air, then executing a perfect pole-vaulter flip over the top of the wall and landing hard in the courtyard on the other side.
Cheerilee quickly rolled into a bush and hid, waiting as the buzzard circled overhead trying to locate her. Finally, he gave up and flew away, freeing Cheerilee to race over to the courtyard door. "I guess it doesn't matter whether I'm up to this or not," she declared. "I'm here, and I'm going to teach this Monarch pony a lesson in manners, government, or maybe both."
"Uhhhh..." Twilight groaned, as she finally regained consciousness. Reaching up to rub her eyes, she discovered that she was tied down on top of a table, with what looked like a jumper cable attached to her horn. "What's going on here?" she called out. "Where am I?"
"You are awake at last." Twilight picked her head up to see the Monarch looking down at her from a nearby stairwell. "I suppose I should apologize," the Monarch offered. "The scent of the skunk was much stronger than I had anticipated."
"Who are you?" Twilight demanded. "Where are my friends?"
"Well, one of them is over there," the Monarch explained, gesturing to the next table over, where a still-unconscious Rarity was bound in a similar setup. "And I believe you know our former ruler, Princess Celestia," the Monarch added, pointing to the far corner of the room.
Twilight gasped as the sight of the unconscious princess locked within an iron cage. She looked back at the Monarch with an angry glare. "Where are the others?" she shouted.
"They have been...dealt with," the Monarch announced. "I do not require the services of mere earth ponies, or pegasi, or baby dragons. Unicorns, on the other hoof, have a special place in my plan."
"What do you mean, 'plan'?" Twilight probed, starting to break out in a cold sweat. "What do you want from us?"
"Behold!" the Monarch dictated, pointing to a large cannon-like structure hanging above the ponies. "Say hello to the Super-Duper-Fantastically-Awesome Harmony Laser 3000!"
"Harmony...laser?" Twilight repeated. "Pardon me for asking, your nastiness..."
"That's right! I never did your first question, did I?" The Monarch unleashed an evil laugh that made Twilight's blood run cold. "You, my dear academic, are in the presence of Queen Monarch I, new ruler of Equestria! Or should I say...Equtopia!"
"Equ-what?" Twilight sputtered. "What are you talking about?"
The Monarch pointed back to her laser. "Isn't it lovely?" she asked rhetorically. "With this laser, I have the power to remake the very fabric of Equestria itself, and create a whole new world of peace and goodwill!"
"You're gonna destroy Equestria?" Twilight exclaimed. "Not on my watch, pal!" She tried to activate her magic, but instead her powers were sucked up by the cable on her horn, which transferred it to a machine idling in another corner of the room.
"Isn't this thing a gas?" the Monarch laughed, as Twilight looked on helplessly. "I haven't had a chance to go through the classified works of the Equestrian Defense Department fully, but let me just say that this beauty is a keeper! All it takes is a little unicorn magic to activate its power source, and presto - instant weapon of mass destruction! Of course, when your power sources are the famed Elements of Harmony...suddenly reshaping the entire world is as easy as redecorating a living room!"
"But why?" Twilight probed. "Why are you doing this?"
"Because this world has existed long past its expiration date," the Monarch proclaimed. "Can't you smell the stench of the decay? This place is rotten to the core!" The Monarch looked longingly up to the sky. "But a new world..." she continued. "Think of it, Twilight! A world where no one starves or suffers...a world without hate or arrogance or greed! A world without needless bureaucracy or sue-crazed lunatics or over-critical nitpickers! A world...where everypony...is happy..."
"You're wrong!" Twilight insisted. "This world is not rotten! There's a lot of beauty and magic still to be discovered...and the real tragedy is that people like you want to destroy it!"
"You say that like I'm not going to use your magic to do my evil bidding," the Monarch remarked.
"Well...you're not!" Twilight countered. "I'll never help you with your nefarious plan!"
"Silly little foal," the Monarch chided. "I just said I needed your magic - I didn't say I needed it given willingly." She pulled out a remote control. "Allow me to demonstrate," she offered, pressing a button on the remote.
Instantly, a bolt of energy came shooting down the cable attached to Rarity's horn. "EEEYYYAAAHHH!" Rarity screamed, coming to life with a start as her horn began to glow uncontrollably.
"See?" the Monarch pointed out, as her evil machine came to life and began collecting Rarity's magical energy. "A good thirty minutes of that action, and I'm all set to start making my new world! And since I'm behind schedule already..." The Monarch pressed a few more buttons, activating her machine to drain the powers of both Twilight and Celestia.
"AAAHHH!" Twilight screamed, as the machine began sucking up her powers.
"One day, Twilight Sparkle," the Monarch muttered, as she walked back up the stairs to tend to her laser, "you'll see that I'm right. One day..."
Peeking out from the doorway, Cheerilee found the castle's main hall completely empty. "Okay, I'm in," she told herself. "Now, according to every spy novel and sci-fi thriller I've ever read, the villain is either at the very top of the castle, or in the deepest, dankest part of the dungeon...so do I go up or down?"
Suddenly, a faint sound hit Cheerilee's ear. "Wait a minute," she realized, "is that...screaming?" Determining that it was coming from farther down the hall, Cheerilee settled on a greedy algorithm for her path selection: follow the noise. "Hang on, girls!" she shouted. "I'm coming!"
Suddenly, a large Diamond Dog wearing a Spartan helmet blocked Cheerilee's path. "Halt!" the dog shouted. "No ponies are allowed..."
"Outta my way, lunkhead!" Cheerilee shouted, launching herself headfirst into the dog's gut and sending him sprawling to the floor. "I've got work to do!" she explained, leaping over the dog's fallen body.
Another dog approached from Cheerilee's left, leaping to tackle the schoolteacher. Spotting her pursuer, Cheerilee stuck out a hoof and executed a textbook stiff-arm, smashing the dog's face into the carpet. "You dogs don't listen any better than my students do!" Cheerilee quipped.
Finally, Cheerilee reached the castle's main foyer, where twelve more dogs stood ready for battle. "This is as far as you go, pony!" one dog snarled. "It's time to put you down!"
Cheerilee's eyes narrowed. "Fine - you wanna do this the hard way?" she inquired, flashing a 'bring it on' gesture with her hoof. "We'll do this the hard way."
Up in the main tower, the Monarch paced back and forth impatiently as her machine worked its magic. "Ugh!" she muttered. "I'd have brought my 'Pound Ponies' DVD up here with me if I knew it was going to take this long." She looked up at a nearby grandfather's clock. "7 more minutes," she whispered, staring intently at the clock hands. "6:59...6:58...6:57..."
Suddenly, the machine began making an odd sound, as if it were slowing down. "Good gravy, what now?" the Monarch groaned, walking over to the stairs to see if something was wrong with her machine. "I swear, if I have to call that stupid repairpony one more time, I'll...YOU!" The Monarch's eyes nearly bulged out of her head as she saw Cheerilee carefully removing the cable clamp from Twilight's horn. "What are you doing?" the Monarch cried. "Get away from there!"
Cheerilee spit the cable clamp onto the floor. "Dr. Monarch, I presume?" she asked. "Well, the jig is up - I don't know what you want or what you think you're doing, but if you think you can just waltz in here and take over Equestria, you've got another thing coming!"
"You know, I'm a little busy to have to explain my evil plan again," the Monarch muttered, reaching around and drawing a sword from her costume with her mouth. "Ahm juff gona haff teh kih yu insteh!" she declared, her speech muffled by her weapon.
"Yikes!" Cheerilee shouted, as the Monarch leaped from the stairs fully intending to cut the teacher to pieces. "Didn't your mother ever tell you not to speak with your mouth full?" she inquired, diving out of the way of the Monarch's sword.
"Shuh uh an dih!" the Monarch retorted, preparing to strike again.
Cheerilee jumped back to avoid the Monarch's wild hacks, looking around frantically for a weapon to defend herself with. Her luck finally ran out, however, and Cheerilee quickly found herself backed up against Celestia's cage with nowhere else to run.
"Ahm sorreh abah thih, ah realleh am," the Monarch apologized, raising her sword for a coup de grace.
Cheerilee gulped and closed her eyes, waiting for the end. After ten seconds of waiting, however, she heard the clang of a sword falling to the floor, and opened her eyes to see the Monarch being strangled by a set of jumper cables.
"Hit her!" Twilight shouted, using her freed horn to tighten the cables around the Monarch's neck. "Hurry up and hit her!"
"Oh...right." Cheerilee reared back and drilled the Monarch with a savage right hoof, turning out the evil pony's lights in a single blow.
"Finally!" Twilight remarked. "Now hurry up and get us out of here!"
"My pleasure," Cheerilee agreed, and in short order the evil machine was powered down, and Twilight, Rarity, and Princess Celestia were unhooked and unbound.
"Thank goodness!" Princess Celestia gushed. "It appears that Equestria is safe once again thanks to you and your friends, Twilight."
"Actually, princess," Twilight explained, "it was Cheerilee here who saved us. Without her, there's no way we could have stopped the Monarch."
"Well then," Princess Celestia decided, "it seems we owe you our thanks most of all, Cheerilee."
"It was nothing, really," Cheerilee commented. "I was just in the right place at the right time. Anypony in my hooves..." A concerning thought flashed through Cheerilee's mind. "Where are the others?" she asked nervously. "Oh gosh...were they...disposed of?"
"They're fine," Celestia assured the ponies. "The Monarch had them stowed away in the castle dungeon. I'll go down and get them - why don't you three deal with her?" Celestia gestured towards the fallen Monarch, who was starting to stir.
"With pleasure," Twilight agreed, as Celestia exited the room. "It's time to see who's really hiding behind that mask," she declared.
"I concur," Rarity added, "but I must admit, her wardrobe was rather stylish...as far as megalomaniacs go."
"Drumroll, please," Twilight requested, as she used her magic to unmask the villain before them.
Everypony's jaw hit the floor as the evil pony's identity was revealed. "F...F...Fluttershy?" Twilight finally managed to say. "You? You were the bad guy this whole time?"
"Oh...no!" Fluttershy insisted. "I...I'm not Fluttershy! I'm the...the evil Monarch! I'm big, and...and scary, and mean, and nasty, and..." Her emotions finally overwhelmed her, and she broke down and started sobbing.
"I don't understand, darling," Rarity remarked. "Of all the ponies in Equestria...why would you want to destroy the world?"
"B...B...Because this world is horrible, that's why!" Fluttershy proclaimed. "All those ponies out there, calling you names, and taking advantage of you, and making you jump through all these dumb hoops...they're all rotten, every last one of them!...That's why I wanted to do it."
"That's what this is about?" Cheerilee asked. "Look, Fluttershy, I know there are some awful ponies out there who do mean things to people, but most ponies out there are just like you and I! They're good, honest folks who genuinely want to do the right thing."
"Besides," Twilight chimed in, "these were our own problems, not something you should have had to worry about for us."
Fluttershy looked down at the ground and said nothing. "Oh dear," Rarity realized. "What happened to you?"
"I...I kinda got...evicted," Fluttershy finally revealed.
"Evicted?" Twilight's jaw hit the ground once more. "Why would you get evicted? Who would ever want to evict you?"
"S...Somepony complained that I had too many animals," Fluttershy explained, "and when I got back from the library that day, the...the health inspectors said my tree wasn't sanitary enough to live in!" Fluttershy teared up again at the memory. "They...they threw me out, and they took away all my animals, and..."
"And that's where the Monarch came from?" Cheerilee surmised.
Fluttershy hung her head. "I just got so...so frustrated with everything and everypony, that...that I just snapped, I guess. I...I made up the story about the vacation sweepstakes to set you up to be captured, and..."
"That's enough," Cheerilee declared, putting her hoof on Fluttershy's shoulder. "We understand."
"We most certainly do!" Twilight proclaimed."I think we should talk to the princess about these 'inspector' folks - I'm sure she can figure out a way to get you back in your tree!"
"Don't bother," Fluttershy moaned. "After all this, the princess will probably want to banish me, or throw me in a dungeon, or throw me in a dungeon in the place she banishes me too."
"Nonsense," Cheerilee disagreed. "The princess is a kind, understanding soul - I'm sure she'll forgive you."
"...unless you let Princess Luna see her while she was tied up," Twilight warned. "If you did that...all bets are off."
"Meh," Cheerilee commented. "I'm sure we could just tie up Luna as payback, right?"
This drew a laugh from the other ponies, and with that, they exited the tower and made their way down to the main foyer. Through the tower window as they left, the skies began to clear, and one could almost hear Pinkie Pie's voice drifting on the wind: "And that's how Equestria was saved!"