Chapter Sixteen: Herbal Remedees
Equis, Equestria, Ponyville
I was walking down the road in Ponyville with a smile on my face and a spring in my step. It was a nice day, I had money in my pocket, and I was feeling damn good about myself. It had been about three hours since the beginning of my "assignment" that Cheerilee had given me, and I was heading back to the library. I was lost in my music and was not paying much attention to where I was going, so I occasionally bumped into a bush, or a cart, or a... building- hey, that building came out of fucking nowhere man- but other than my knock to my noggin, everything had turned out real nice that day. It is just a shame that a group of punks where about to ruin it.
I was walking down the road, maybe five minutes from the library at my current pace, and I bumped into somebody. "Oh, my bad man."
"Watch where you're goin' idiot!"
I stopped where I was and pulled my headphones off of my head and let them rest around my neck. I looked down to see a light brown coated male earth pony with three blue horseshoes for a Cutie mark. "Hey man, I said I was sorry, lighten up."
"I don't have to do anything monkey boy!" he yelled at me.
I could feel the blood in my head start to heat up, and knew that I should just walk away. But that would not be the "Django" way of handling things, would it now? I put a scowl on my face and talked back to him in the same angry tone. "Listen friend, I don't know what's got you so pissed off, but it stops now."
He shot me a death glare, and I just now noticed two more ponies a ways behind him moving closer. One was a dark blue pegasis with constellations for his Cutie mark, and the other was a blue unicorn with a safety pin for a Cutie mark. I had time enough to get the details from the other two before he started yelling at me again. "If you think you scare me, you're wrong monkey boy!" Him yelling was drawing a crowd around us, and I knew that I was now trapped in a mob of people with an idiot who had a mouth bigger than his brain. The crowd was only going to make him get louder and more determined to do whatever it was that he was planning, so I had to prepare myself for the worst.
"Friend, you don't want to be doin' this, trust me on this one," I said balling my hands into fists. "Just go back home and leave me the fuck alone."
The other two were standing right next to him now, and they did not look like they were happy with me.
"You don't belong here freak!" the unicorn shouted.
"Yeah, go back home you freak!" the pegasis added.
The earth pony in the middle was sneering at me now, and I was almost at the end of my rope. "See freak? Nopony likes you, and nopony wants you to be here. So just get lost!"
"Okay friend," I said warningly, "I'ma count to three, and if you're not gone by two, you're gonna be hurtin'."
"Oh yeah freak? And what happens at three?" the unicorn asked.
"If you're not gone by two, I'll hurt you so bad that you won't be able to walk tomorrow, and if you're still here after that, then I'm gonna kill you," I said smoothly.
The crowd around us gasped when they heard me say that, but I did not care at that moment what the crowd thought. I only wanted to hurt the three little ponies in front of me, and I would use any excuse to do so.
"Is that a threat freak?! Because I can get you thrown in jail for that!" one of them yelled, but I could not see which one of them said it through the red haze in my eyes.
"One."
They did not give me the chance to get to two, because right after I spoke, all three of them rushed me, and I knew that I was smiling like a lunatic.
"TWO!" I yelled as I swung a fist into the unicorn's jaw, knocking him back a few feet. I was not fast enough to get the other two, so I jumped back to allow myself some elbow room.
"You're dead freak!"
I just laughed at him and balled my hands together into fists so hard that my knuckles cracked.
They charged me and I ran forward, colliding with them so that we were a ball of fists, hooves, and blood. I was swinging hard enough to break the skin on their faces, and on my knuckles, so there was blood flying, but I did not know which drops belonged to who. I could hear the crowd yelling in the background, but it just sounded like a static hiss to me.
I hit the pegasis in the jaw and heard a loud cracking sound, but it only stunned him and he did not stop fighting. I actually admired his spirit... Too bad I had to brutally beat it out of him.
I took a hoof to the chest but did not feel anything at all. I turned to my left a little and swung a fist at the earth pony and caught him right on the ear. He backed up screaming for a second, and I ran forward and bulldosed him onto the ground. I was on him the second he fell, hitting him over, and over again in the face. I would have kept going, but a huge bolt of lightning hit me in the side and blasted me away.
"You think you can fight a unicorn, freak?! Well go ahead and try to beat me, but you're gonna end up fried!"
I looked over and saw the unicorn advancing on me. I had to get up quickly, or I would end up looking like that baby who got confused with a turkey in a second. I rolled to my left, avoiding another bolt of lightning, and then jumped to my feet. I ran forward before he could send another bolt my way and landed a solid hit to his face. He stumbled backwards, but managed to conjure up a small puff of fire to singe me as I came after him. I was just about to knock his jaw loose, but I got blindsided by the pegasis and fell to the ground.
"Yuh're gu'uh pay for mah jaw f'eak!" he yelled with a slur. I had clearly broken his jaw, and he was not too happy about it. He was getting good hits on me while I was on the ground, but I kneed him in the stomach and he lost his breath. I was going to beat him with my fists, but I saw a bolt of- you guessed it- lightning coming at me, so instead I grabbed him and used him as a shield.
"Aaaaahhhhhhhh!" he screamed, and then fell limp onto the ground once I released his body. I instantly charged the unicorn, and unfortunately for him, he did not have enough time to cast another spell. I reached him and grabbed his horn, then pulled back as hard as I could, making his neck bend so far back, that it cracked from the strain. He fell to the ground screaming in pain, and I planned on ghetto stomping him, but something had just jumped onto my back and was hitting me on the side of my head.
"I'm gonna kill you freak boy! I'm gonna kill you!" the earth pony yelled into my ear.
"Not if I kill you first you little fucker!" I yelled back at him. I tried to pull him off of me, but I could not get a good grip on him, so I just started elbowing him in his sides. After my third hit I heard a bone crack, and the same thing happened on the fifth and sixth hits. He was barely striking me now, but I was not finished with him yet. I jumped up and leaned on my back so that I would fall right on top of him. When we hit the ground, I heard a few more cracks, and I knew that I had hurt him bad. I rolled off of my back and got to my feet in time to see the pegasis running at me clumsily. He was almost within striking distance, but at the last moment I moved to the side and let him fall forward on his face. While he was down, I grabbed his wings and pulled them up high. Once they were at full extension, I kicked the middles so hard that they nearly got ripped off of his back. I knew for sure that they were broken by the sickening crunching sound that they made when I kicked them, so I let his wings go and turn to face the unicorn that was slowly standing up. "You still wanna fight friend?"
He looked less angry now, and a lot more scared than anything. "I- I don't-" but I cut him off.
"Well I still want to, so you'd better get ready," I said while walking towards him. He tried to move, but just fell back to the ground in a pained heap. I got to him and grabbed him by the throat and pulled his face up towards me. I hit him hard, and then I hit him harder, and then I just rained down blows to his face until my hand was sore. I had broken his nose, busted his lips, blackened his eyes, and basically turned his face into a wet, bloody, reddish pulp.
"Uhgg."
I turned around to see the earth pony trying and failing to stand back up. I walked over to him and gave him an almighty kick in the side, and I thought that I heard another of his ribs break.
"P- please, no more!"
I kicked him again, then again, and again, and again, and again. It was better than sex, and I could not get enough of it. I stopped on his ribs and stomped down as hard as I could on one of his legs and heard a loud "crunch". He was past the point where he could scream now, so it was getting a little boring. I stopped for a second to decide what to break next, and I noticed something that I should have noticed a while ago. The crowd had stopped yelling for the fighting to stop, and were now just staring at me with horrified expressions. I looked all around me at the ponies circling me, and saw nothing but fear and horror on their faces.
I heard something coming from the back of the crowd, and it sounded like it was making its way towards the front. I tried to get a better look at what it was, but could not see past all of the ponies standing in the way. But I was not left wondering what it was for long, because after only a few seconds Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity burst out of the crowd.
"Django, what happened to you?!" Twilight screamed. There were tears in her eyes, but I was not sure why.
"Twilight, what's wrong?" I asked her.
She ran up to me and threw her hooves around me- well, my mid-section anyways- and started at me with a barrage of questions. "What happened here Django? Are you okay? Did they hurt you? I think we should get the authorities. Do you need to go to the hospital? Do-"
I put my hand over her mouth to stop the flow of questions. "Twilight, I'm not the one who got hurt. They are." I then jerked my thumb over my shoulder towards the three ponies laying on the ground in agony. "I wouldn't mind something for the pain in my hands, but that's all I'll need."
By now the other five were crowding around me, making sure I was okay. I waved them away from me and said that I was fine. I did not want to stick around and wait for the royal guards to show up, so we all walked to the library. The guards already wanted me dead, and I did not want to give them a reason to come after me... some more.
***
I was standing in the center of the main room in the library, getting stared at by all six of my new girl- er, I mean marefriends. I hated getting stared at, so I just decided that I was going to be the first to speak up. "Why the hell are you all staring at me?" I asked, annoyed.
"Well, Django, you're covered in blood," Twilight said softly.
"Oh don't worry Twi', barely any of it's mine," I said in a reassuring voice.
That did not seem to make her feel better. In fact, it looked to me like it just made things worse.
"Django," Rainbow said, "I've been in fights before, so I can tell you that what you did to those three wasn't okay. You could get in some serious trouble with the guards for doing that to them."
I scoffed at her. "If the guards want to fight me, I welcome the challenge."
All of their eyes widened when I said that.
"Django, I didn't take you for a violent trouble maker!" Rarity exclaimed.
I glared at her with cold eyes. "Well then maybe you should fucking check me again then!" I half growled half yelled at her.
She recoiled at my words, and I immediately regretted saying them. I should not have yelled at her like that; I knew better than to let my emotions get the better of me. "I- I'm sorry Rarity, I didn't mean to yell at you."
"Well, what did you mean to do then?!" she asked, hurt.
"It's my anger problems," I told her in a guilty voice. "They can get out of control sometimes, and I guess the fight was enough to get me heated."
They all looked at me worriedly, and I did not take any offense to them giving me those looks. I was dangerous, even on my planet. And I have hurt people that I never meant to because of my problems.
"Um, Django?" said a quiet voice off to one side. I looked over to see Fluttershy looking at me with a nervous expression. "If you have, um, problems, with anger, I think I might have something at my house that could help you."
I looked at her, filled halfway with relief, and halfway with suspicion. "And what might that be?" I asked, crossing my arms. It is not like I did not trust Futtershy, it is just that I did not trust... well... anybody.
"Oh, um, well, it's an old tea recipe that I use to calm down Angel when he gets into one of his moods. I've only ever used it for him, but it might work for you too Django."
I thought about it for a few seconds before I agreed to let her try out the tea recipe. If it works on that horrible little rabbit, it is sure to do something for me, right?
***
I had come to Fluttershy's cottage with her so I could try out this "special tea" of hers. I had thought that while I was here it would be a good chance to see how my teacher, Ms. Francis is doing. I had not seen much of her since we have arrived here in Equestria, and I was hoping that she was fitting in nicely. "Hey Fluttershy, I've been wondering how ol' teach is doing."
"Oh, she's been very helpful around the house Django," Fluttershy responded from the kitchen.
"Oh, that's good to hear I guess. But how is she fitting in? Is she having any problems?" I asked.
"No, not many at all. She's doing very well accepting all of this, in my opinion," she told me happily.
"Well that's good to hear. But I have to ask, where is she exactly?"
"Oh don't worry Django," Fluttershy called from the kitchen. "She's out getting some groceries for me. It'll only take her about an hour or so, but it'll be harder for her to carry everything back."
"Hmm... Well, it's good to hear that you two are getting along," I said.
I was still sitting on the couch in the living room of Fluttershy's cottage, holding my hands in front of me. Fluttershy had told me it would only take her a minute to make the tea, but it has been nearly half an hour now, and I was getting the feeling that she did not really know what to do.
"Hey Fluttershy, are you alright in there?" I asked loudly.
"Oh yes Django, I'm almost finished with your tea," she answered pleasantly.
I was getting bored and angry. A very bad combination for me. I was ready to leave and find other ways to satisfy my blood lust. Those idiots in town woke up a monster that was inside of me, and it needed to be fed.
"Hey Fluttershy, if you can't make the tea, I'll leave. I don't want to take up too much of your time." That was not why I wanted to leave at all, but why should I hurt her feelings just because I am an asshole?
She zoomed to the doorway of the kitchen as soon as I said that. "No! I'm almost done, I swear!"
I just blinked.
"Uhm, I mean, I'm almost done with your tea, I just have to pour it," she said sheepishly. She then hovered back into the kitchen and emerged a few seconds later with two cups of steaming blue liquid.
"Huh, I've never seen blue tea before," I said.
"It's a very special recipe Django, I'm sure you'll love it," she said happily.
She passed me one of the cups, and I swear, it was way more full than the other one. It was a small cup, even by pony standards, so I decided that I would just have to sip it really slowly. I raised the cup up to my lips and started to slowly sip it.
"No! Not like that!"
I was so startled by her outburst that I nearly dropped the cup on the ground, and I did manage to spill some on me, scolding my skin. "Ow, fuck!"
"Oh no, I'm sorry!"
"God damn it, my fucking face is melting!"
"Django, I'm so, so sorry! I didn't mean to scare you!"
"It hurts like hell Fluttershy! Why in fuck's name did you do that?!"
"I- I'm sorry Django, it's just that, well, you're not supposed to sip it. You have to drink it all at once because it's not a very good tasting recipe."
I touched my fingers to my scolded face and winced when I could feel it sting like a wasp had attacked me. "Well, you could have told me that without making me burn my face off."
She hid behind her mane and mumbled an apology to me, and I instantly felt bad for yelling at her. "Damn it Fluttershy, I didn't mean to yell, I'm sorry."
She looked at me and smiled a little bit. "That's okay Django, I know that you're a little edgy right now."
I nodded to her and held up my little cup. "Well, to forgiveness then." I then drained the cup in a single gulp, and I thought I felt something small and round go down my throat. "Um, was there a pill in my tea?"
"No, it was a small clump of some herbs that grow in my garden."
I smacked my lips at a faintly familiar taste. "This tastes familiar; what kind of plant did you use?"
She motioned for me to follow her. "C'mon Django, I'm don't know if you'll know it by name, so I'll just show you what I used."
I followed her out into her backyard and over to her garden. She showed me an assortment of plants, but none of them I knew. A few looked like some plants I had seen in the West Side Market, but I had no clue as to what their names might be. I did not know any of the plants... except one of them. We had gotten down to the very last few plants, and I instantly recognized them. They were impossible to mistake. With their rough texture, and the seven spikey shards on their leaves, and the beautiful aroma that I lived for. "Oh my god, that's a fucking tree!"
She looked at me oddly. "Um, no, it's not a tree Django. It a medicinal plant called Ponyjuana."
I could not believe my eyes. There was a weed tree almost up to my chest right in front of me! I reached out and ran my fingers over the leaves and felt the wonderful feeling of me about to get as high as a cloud. "Hey Fluttershy?"
"Yes Django?" she answered.
"You want to help me feel better, right?"
"Well of course I do Django. I can't have you feeling bad all day."
"Well if you want to make me feel better, you can start by letting me take this plant back to the library."
"Well, why do you need the whole plant?" she asked curiously.
I looked at her with crazy eyes. "'Cause I'm gonna get myself feelin' as good as I can."
She looked at me like I was crazy, and right then, I felt like I was. "Um, well okay then, you can have the plant."
I ripped it out of the ground as soon as she said that. "Thanks Fluttershy, and if you feel like setting me up with any of the other plants, don't hesitate to ask me for a few favors."
She cocked her head to the side in confusion. "What kind of stuff can you do?"
I walked over to her and crouched down in front of her. "I can do anything you want baby," I said in a silky voice. She blushed brightly and I leaned forward and kissed her lightly on the tip of her nose, then stood up and sprinted back to the library, waving goodbye to Fluttershy as I went.
I was sprinting past startled ponies all the way down the street and to the library. On the way there I had knocked a few to the ground, but I was in a hurry and could not be bothered to stop and watch where I was going. I had almost ran straight into a cart full of carrots, but I skillfully jumped over it, leaving more than a few locals staring after me in awe. I did not even bother to think about how much I hated that while I was running. Mostly because I was busy thinking about all of the awesome things that were about to happen. I was running for what felt like forever since I was in a hurry, but I eventually made it to the library. I burst through the doors and bolted down the basement steps and strode to the center of the little space the juniors called home. Lewis and T-boy were on the small couch eating bread smeared with something that looked like chocolate mixed with peanut butter, and Tyrence was sitting on his bed rapping to himself. I walked over to the small chair that was next to the couch and sat down on it with the plant in my hands. T-boy sniffed the air, then instantly turned to face me with wide eyes. "Oh my god, is that weed?"
I nodded slowly. "Eeyup, it sure as fuck is man." I then looked over to where Tyrence was sitting. "Yo, Tyrence, get over here! I got somethin' to show ya!"
"I'm busy!" he shouted back.
"you're not too busy for this, so get over here!" I yelled back.
"Man..." He got up and came over to where we were and saw what I was holding. "Is that a weed plant?"
I nodded again. "If it looks like weed, and it smells like weed, then it's probably weed."
T-boy and Tyrence both came over to where I was sitting and got a closer look at it. After a short time they decided that it was a good tree, and T-boy opened up his pack and pulled out a small box containing his stash of papers.
I handed the tree to Tyrence so he could work with T-boy on making the weed smokable, then I went over to the door to the main room and locked it. I did not want anybody coming in and interrupting us having a good time with the most amazing plant in the world. I walked back over to the couch and saw that T-boy already had two joints rolled up and ready to go. I picked one up and put it to my nose so that I could get a better smell of it, and let me tell you, it smelled great.
"Man, hold up until I get the other ones ready."
I realized that I had taken out my Zippo lighter and was about to light up without even thinking about it. "Oh shit, my bad man." I then put down the joint and waited for T-boy and Tyrence to finish making the others. I was a heavy user of weed, but I did not know anything about making the stuff ready to smoke.
"Django man, are you really gonna smoke that?" a voice asked from my side.
I turned and saw Lewis giving me a disapproving stare. He did not smoke weed, and he was always saying that we should stop smoking it. I do not think I could see myself without weed in my life, and the same could be said about T-boy and Tyrence. "Lewis, I'm not gonna stop smoking just because you say so. If anything, you should join us man. I know you'll like it."
He did not answer me. Instead he just got up and walked over to the door, opened it, and walked out of the room and up the stairs.
I shrugged my shoulders. "More for me."
"The weed's ready man," T-boy said from my side.
I looked over to him and reached my hand out. "Gimme some of that weed man, I need it bad." He put a joint in my hand and I then put one end of it on my lips and lit the other end with my silver Zippo. I gave it a second to catch, and then I took a few small puffs to get it going. My friends- or at least the ones who liked weed- were all doing the same thing. With it burning nicely, I inhaled deeply, and my mind was assaulted by a high that I have never felt before. It was like all of the weed I had ever smoked before had come back and gave me their highs all over again, but all at once. I felt so good that I mentally swore to myself that I would never smoke any other weed than this ever again. It was like nothing I had ever experienced before. I felt like I was moving in slow motion, and it was totally awesome. But I also felt like I had super powers or something from the weed, and I was going to try them out. I could see all of the colors in the room brighten so much that they looked like neon lights. The room was spinning slightly, and I felt a little off balance. I could hear sounds that I could not hear before, like the heartbeats of T-boy and Tyrence. I could hear the hoofsteps of Twilight from upstairs. I could hear the door leading to the basement open and close. And I could hear Twilight muttering to herself about something. I tried to stand up from my chair to meet Twilight at the stairway so that she would not see the joints stacked up in a little pile. I made it half-way out of my chair, then I fell to the floor and the world starting spinning around like I was on that ride in the carnival that spun so fast that you could crawl around on the ceiling.
The door opened to reveal Twilight, but I only saw her for a split second before the room kept spinning. She looked a little scared from what little I saw of her, and I could not help but wonder why. But my thoughts were interrupted by two hooves gripping the sides of my face, and the world stopped spinning. I now had a clear view of Twilight's face right in front of mine. I was right when I said she looked scared, because that is exactly what she looked like. "Django. Django! Django, are you okay?!"
She was so loud that I felt like my ears were going to rupture. But the weird thing was that even though it was loud as hell, it sounded so muffled that I almost could not understand her. "What?"
She got an even more scared look on her face and lit up her horn. Nothing happened at first, but then she put more power into her spell and an overglow appeared on her horn. She was still holding my face so she was close enough to touch her horn to my head, and that is exactly what she did after another overglow showed up as the power of the spell increased. I was blinded for a short moment, but then everything got so clear that it hurt. All at once the beautiful colors faded back to normal, the sounds returned to their normal volume, and time returned to its normal speed.
"Django, are you okay?" Twilight asked me, a worried expression on her face.
I looked her straight in the eye. "I'd be better if you weren't crushing my face."
"Oh, right, sorry," she said sheepishly releasing her grip on my face.
I pushed myself up from the floor and looked around the room. I saw that the basement was completely trashed, and T-boy and Tyrence were both on the floor. But what was most shocking was that all of the joints were gone. I looked back to Twilight. "Twi', there was a stack of paper rolls with green stuff in them down here. Where did they go?"
She looked confused, but also relieved to see that I was okay. "I don't know Django, the only people who've been down here all day are you three and a few of your friends from Applejack's farm," she said, her voice a little scratchy from the smoke floating around the room. "Django, I saw the smoke from down here and thought there was a fire. But since there's not, where did it come from?"
I scratched the back of my neck. "Well, um, that there is a really good question. Why don't we discuss it over dinner; I'm starving."
She looked at me oddly. "Django, it's only one o' clock in the afternoon."
"What are you talking about? It was, like, six when I got back," I told her.
"Yes Django, it was six o' clock when you got back yesterday," she said in a voice like I should have known this information.
My eyes widened when I realized that I had been on my high for all of yesterday, and most of today. "Oh god, I must've been even more fucked up than I thought..."
"What?" she asked.
I looked at her. "Uh, nothing Twi'. But listen, what day is it?"
"It's Friday Django," she said. "Don't you remember?"
I gasped when I heard her. I remember something alright. Something that I absolutely can not afford to miss. "Uh-oh. I need to get ready Twilight, but thanks a million for reminding me what day it is." I ran past her into the bathroom and started up the shower.
"Why? What's so important?" she asked from the other room.
"Uh, I told the CMC that I'd help them get their Cutie marks today, and I almost forgot the meeting time," I said.
She pushed the door open with a hoof and stood in the doorway. "But Django, I was sort of hoping that we could go somewhere this evening."
I clenched my teeth together. "I'm sorry Twi', but from four to... I don't know, six or sevenish, I swore to help them." I then kneeled down so that I was close to eye level with Twilight. "But after that, I'm all yours," I said in a suggestive voice.
She smiled at me happily. "What did I do to deserve you Django?"
I put on an over exaggerated thinking face for a second. "Hmm, you probably pissed off the gods or something else equally bad," I said in a completely serious voice.
We both shared a laugh, then she let me take my shower. I brushed my teeth, combed my hair, then messed up my hair, then I did all of the other things I do when I want to look good. It took me about an hour to do everything and to get dressed for my little outing. Everything was set, and I was ready. I felt kind of bad for lying to Twilight, but it needed to be done if I wanted to do this. I told her that I was helping the CMC, but in truth, I was going out to meet somebody. Somebody special, somebody amazing, somebody... beautiful. I was going out to meet the one and only, Derpy Hooves. And I was going to buy her a drink.
End Chapter: Chapter Sixteen: Herbal Remadees