//------------------------------//
// Let's Chase Them: Brony Motivation 101 
// Story: South-Pony Collision 
// by misterawesome 
//------------------------------//




"Anything you put ya mind to put ya grind to
Forgetful ass nigga, must I remind you
Men do what they want, boys do what they can
And it ain't no secret, I'm a grown ass man"
-Jay "Young Jeezy" Jenkins
from "Sky's the Limit" off of Let's Get It: Thug Motivation 101, 2005







After I pull into the garage and turn the SUV off, I turn into my pony self again.  Cartman notices me sitting in the driver’s seat and wonders if unicorns could drive.  As we get out, he asks me, “Dude, it would be cool if you drove a car using your little horn.  Can you?”
“Nope,” I reply, “cars are designed for humans, not ponies so…”
“Actually,” Rarity says, “Applejack has a tractor on her fields.”
“Well Cartman, I guess I can drive looking like this.”
“Awesome.  Let me see you do it.  Are you any good?”
“Nah, I’m not in the mood.  I just walked in the house, man.  Besides, Rarity and I need some alone time, okay?”
“Are you two gonna make some loooooove?”
“NO Eric, we’re not having sex.  We just want to chill in my bed.  Now just go sit down in the living room and watch TV or something.”
Cartman sighs.  “Okay, I’ll calm down,” he says.  He goes to lie down on the couch in the living room and turns it to HBO, while Rarity and I walk into my bedroom.
Now in my room, it’s just us.  Me and Rarity.  But things didn’t start out so calm, because she asks me, “Petey, why did you tell Cartman we’re not-”
“Shhhhh…” I whisper.  “Just wait here a second.”  I turn the lights on and pull the window blinds down.  “Of course we will,” I continue to whisper.  “But he should not know about this because I know he might somehow catch us doing this.  He is a very clever prick.”
Rarity smiles, closes her eyes halfway, and slowly approaches toward me.  She says, “Do you know who else is a clever prick?”
“Who?” I reply.
“You, babe!” she answers with a little more enthusiasm.  Then she sticks her face closer to me.  “You are sooooo clever,” at this point she puts her front legs around my neck, “and suuuuch a prick, but you fox cannot escape me, huh?" 
I start noticing her seductive moves, and start acting similarly.  “I am a clever prick,” I say as my put my front legs around her.  “And you're more of a fox than I am-don't fool me!”
I slowly lift her into my bed, then I trot to the side of my bed and stop right next to her.  She looks at me and says, “I’m waiting for your tricks, boy.”  So the first thing I do is take off all my clothes from hat to shoes, while she takes off her earmuffs.  Then I hop on and lay right next to her.  I put her lips against hers, and we proceed to French kiss.  While we do so, I reach for my iPod and play Make Me Proud by Drake and Nicki Minaj over my stereo.  It gets her in the mood and she feels me between the legs until I do.  She quickly gets me ready.
“Alright,” says Rarity, “get your rubber on, sexy.”  So I reach through my pillowcase, which is where I like to keep them.  After I put it on, I say, “Now let me show you my final trick, girl.”
Meanwhile in the living room, Cartman’s still resting on the couch watching HBO.  While he doesn’t hear us talking or Make Me Proud, he does hear us when we moan.  That immediately catches his attention.  He opens his eyes wide out of shock, and laughs for the next half minute.  Then he pulls out his phone and opens the Voice Memos tool.  He hits record, and says into the mic, “Yep.  It’s Rarity of the Mane Six, and that beautiful pony Peter LeShay having sex.”  He giggles, then lays the smartphone down on a round table so he can record the sounds we’re making while watching TV.  Then he goes back to watching HBO.
A couple minutes later, somebody knocks on the front door.  Rarity and I don’t hear it, but Cartman does.  He gets up and opens the door to see who's there.  Well, it’s Princess Celestia.  Cartman, not knowing who she is, just causally says to her, “Yes?” rather than bowing down to her and calling her “majesty” or something.  He also does not pause his recording.
“Hello little human,” says Celestia.  “Is Peter in this house?  He must report to Canterlot immediately.”
She and Cartman hear Rarity moan more often and louder, then scream.  He smiles and says, "Uh...heheheh."
Celestia makes an awkward gesture and says, “Well.  Shit.”
Cartman laughs hysterically.  He says, “Hell yeah!  That was the funniest thing ever!  Wasn’t it?”
“I suppose,” says Celestia.  “But I have never been involved in such situations.  I’m pretty hurt by this.”
“Aw, get out of here!  You know you’ve gotta get a laugh from this stuff.  There’s no need to be like a scary little bitch.”
Two of Celestia’s guards rush into the house and point spears in front of him.  They and Celestia give Cartman angry looks.  “You puny fool!” says the princess, “Do you know who I am?”
Cartman's really scared and shocked.  He gulps afraid he might be speared and says, “No.”
“I am Princess Celestia.  Supreme ruler of all Equestria!  How dare you refer to me as such?”
He yells in agony, “I am terribly sorry, your majesty!  I didn’t know who you were!” and almost cries.
Celestia rolls her eyes and tells her guards, “Fine.  I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.  Boys, leave him alone.”  The guards retreat to Celestia’s carriage in my front lawn.  Cartman sighs out of relief.
Rarity and I come out of my room in cheetah-print robes, and we still have tears in our eyes from the sex.  We lie down in front of Celestia and pay respect to her.  Celestia says, “Hello, guys.  Please dress up.  You two are report to my castle A.S.A.P.”
“Yes your highness,” says Rarity.
“And Peter,” continues the princess, “please shows up as a pony.”
“Yes ma’am,” I say.  Then Celestia leaves.  “Wait here,” I tell Rarity as I head back to my bedroom.
Then she turns to Cartman and asks, “So, why did Celestia get mad at you?”
“Oh, for no fucking reason,” he snares.  “She freaked out all because I called her a bitch.”
“Well Cartman,” Rarity says, “she is the supreme ruler of all Equestria.  You could have been hauled to the royal jail for that kind of stuff.”
“Damn.  You just made it more intense than I thought it would be.”
I come out of my room in a tailored tuxedo and pink bowtie.  Rarity looks at me in my outfit and squees. She says, “Hello, Mr. Handsome.  Now if you could escort me to my house that would be twice as lovely.  I gotta look that good too, ya know.”
“Of course Rari,” I say.  “Okay, everyone get in the Bimmer.”  Cartman stops the recording while the two of us head to the car, so we don't see him doing that.  Then we hop in and I drive Rarity up to her house.  She heads in it, and comes out in red heels, black pants, a white fur coat, a big black belt, and a brown Louis Vuitton handbag.  When she gets back in the car I say, “Awesome choice.  You’re dazzling.”
“Oh dear, it isn’t anything,” she says.  “Now take us to Canterlot.  The princess is waiting.”  So I drive the over to Canterlot.
********************************************************************************
When Rarity, Cartman, and I arrive at the castle doors, three colts in suits approach us; one for the each of us.  They take us to different parts of the castle, which is filled with Equestrian citizens from all over: Ponyville, Manehattan, Fillydelphia, Bronyapolis, etc.  In the middle is a walkway leading from the doors to Celestia and her throne.
Rarity is brought to the front row, meeting up with with the Mane Six, Spike, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. They’re all also dressed up, but not like her and closer to their gala dresses.
Cartman is taken to the far end of the fifth closest row to the doors on the left.  To his left are Kyle, Stan, Kenny, and Butters in a cage.  They all stare at Cartman in surprise, and walk up closely to see him.  The four are still gray from Discord’s spells.  Stan says, “Cartman, where the hell have you been?”
Cartman asks, “Why do all of you guys look gray?  The fuck happened to you?”
“Nothing happened to us,” says Butters.  “This is how we’ve always been.”
Kyle turns to Butters and says, “Dude, you’ve been acting weird all day.  Can you please be quiet?  Because I want to pray in peace.”
Butters gives Kyle an angry look and says, “I have not been acting weird.  You’re just trying to brainwash everyone about how the Bible stories took place in America!”
“I am not!” Kyle angrily says.  “Joseph Smith’s all truth.  He’s in no way evil!”
“You tell fucking lies!” backfires Butters, as he starts hitting Kyle.  Kenny gets in between the two and wards Butters off from Kyle.  Since Kenny’s still gay, he gets an erection from the male bodies.
Cartman sees everything his friends are doing.  At some points he giggles, but other times he gets greatly shocked.  He seriously wonders what had happened to them and why they’re acting so opposite to their personalities.
When my usher recognizes me, he smiles and says, “Ah, you’re the man of the hour!”  I appear confused.  The usher rushes to Celestia and tells her, “Your highness, the hero is here!”
“Very well then,” Celestia says.  She turns to the trumpet band and tells them, “He’s here.  Start playing.”
The ponies blow their trumpets as the usher heads back toward me.  Everypony and everybrony in the stands shuts up.  When the usher comes to me, he says, “Follow the guards, if you will.”  Two guards, one to my left and another to my right, walk up the aisle.  I follow them at their pace, while the crowd looks at and gives me a round of applause, cheers, etc.  I know that they’re cheering on me, but I don’t know what for.  So I just smile awkwardly and look at the crowd as I walk up the aisle.
As I approach the steps in front of Celestia’s throne, the guards hold their spears in front of me, and I stop.  Then Celestia yells out to the whole crowd, “Silence!”  The crowd shuts up.  She continues to say, “Today, we honor a young colt who has saved all of Equestria from complete destruction.  He did something no pony ever had the courage nor skills to do: he assassinated Discord!”  The crowd cheers again.  “So now, on behalf of me, my sister, and the citizens of Equestria, we would like to honor the brony Peter LeShay with one of the highest awards we can give to an Equestrian citizen: the Royal Medal of Heroism!”
A guard gives Celestia the medal.  It’s ribbon is red and it’s a gold star with a sapphire sword engraved on it.  Then Celestia puts the medal around my neck.  I shake hooves with her, then turn around and face the audience with my front legs up.  The trumpets play again, while the audience does another round of cheering.  Some of the female ponies scream and say such things as, “I love you, Pete!”  The press takes photographs of me for the newspapers.  I shed tears all this time until Celestia speaks again in two minutes.  “Silence!” she yells again, quieting the crowd again.
The princess gives another speech: “This is a huge moment in Equestrian history: the death of Discord.  The last time he reappeared, I thought for sure he was done.  But now, his death is legit.”
Then with her magic, she changes the stain-glass window of the Mane Six turning Discord back into stone into me as my mare shooting him to death.  Twilight Sparkle is not impressed by her clique taken down from the window.  She raises her hoof and says loud enough for the princess to hear, “Excuse me, majesty!”
She turns to her and says, “Yes, Twilight?”
“I’m just saying, me and my friends deserve a spot on that window.  I know that Pete is dreamy and all, but to take off one of your most faithful student’s greatest works is an abomination!”  The crowd gasps.
“Okay, okay.  I know what you ponies can do.  Guards, please bring me the Elements of Harmony.”  Then the crowd cheers once again.
“The Elements were in the castle all along?  What?” exclaims Rarity.
“Oh crap!” says Twilight.  “It just hit me-girls,” she says to Rarity and the remainder of the Mane Six, “After we used them to stop Discord, they were locked up in a safe deep inside this castle.  Its location has been kept a secret to everypony except those who live here.”
Soon after Twilight speaks, the guards come back with the Elements in their chest and give them to Celestia.  “Alright Twilight,” she says, “Have you and your friends come up here.”  The Mane Six heads up to Celestia, and bow down in front of her as she gives the ponies their Elements.  “Girls, use the power of the Elements of Harmony to fix all the destruction that has been caused by Discord.”
“Okay ponies,” says Twilight, “you heard her.  Do that thing and make Equestria the perfect place again.”
So in front of the whole audience and the princess, they form their sphere with the Elements, and release a purple beam that travels to the ends of Equestria.  It rebuilds the destroyed buildings in Ponyville, regrows the burnt tress in Apple Acres, frees the Apple family, brings Fluttershy’s pets back to life, makes things and animals back to the way they were before, and turns Stan, Kyle, Butters, and Kenny back to their normal selves and egos.
A guard walks to their cage and lets the boys go.  They happily jump out the cage towards Cartman and look at each other.  “Holy shit!” says Stan.  “I’m back.”
“So is everyone else!” says Kyle.  “It’s great to be ourselves again.”
“Fellas!  We’re alive!” says Butters.  “Group hug!”  They all get into a circle together and group hug.  Cartman, when he realizes he’s hugging Kyle, backs off and says, “Oh, nonono!  There is no way I’m hugging you, Kyle!”
Stan says unimpressed, “And Cartman, you’re back too.”  Cartman smiles.
When the Mane Six comes down, Celestia congratulates them by saying, “Very good job, girls.  Just look at the window!”  She points to the stain-glass window showing me killing Discord, and it also shows the Mane Six using the Elements of Harmony to put back together Ponyville, being displayed as partially destroyed.
“Now that’s more like it, princess,” says Twilight, pleased with the new design.  The crowd cheers once more in response to her.
“I’d say,” says Pinkie Pie, “If we were off there for good, I’d be all like,” she rolls her eyes, sticks out her tongue, shakes her head, and screams all simultaneously.  The Mane Six and Celestia laugh.  Then she says, “Now ponies, please head back to Peter’s house.  I would like to talk to you all there.  As for you Peter, take home those boys you brought along with you.  They are in this crowd somewhere.”
“As you wish, Princess,” I say.
********************************************************************************
Back at my house, I, the Mane Six, Spike, Celestia, and the boys all stand in my front lawn.  Celestia says to us all, “Now as most of you know, I usually ask Twilight or one of her friends to give me a lesson they learned at the end of the day, but since you all got involved in and resolved one huge mess, it seems as if you all need to tell something you learned.  So what do you have to say, ponies and boys?”
We all think about this crazy situation for one minute.  I’m the first to stop thinking and start talking and say, “I think our lack of respect caused all this to happen.  All of us took action against somebody else, and all these encounters led to something worse.”
“I agree,” says Stan.  “When disrespect is brought up, it not only leads to some chaos.  But the person disrespecting is being ignorant of the fact that there may be something he or she thinks is awesome about that person.”
“Yes,” continues Kyle.  “Ignorance can be bliss, but it can also be used as the wrong kind of strength.  Strength that burdens people into isolation they never want nor deserve.”
“I also want to say something about these kids when I first met them,” I say.  “I am lucky as hell to be the person I am, while loving something society says thy shall not.  Other bronies can become productive and famous like me.  They just have to figure out their real interests and talents, then set up some life priorities so they can go switch their style up, after that work hard in their field, which pays off.  They'll earn great success, and watch the money pile up.”
“Wow gentlemen,” Celestia says, “that is amazing of you to learn lessons like that.  I must say, this is one of my favorite lessons I’ve been told, especially that it’s not Twilight telling me these things.”
“Oh dear Princess,” Twilight whines, “Can you please give me a free pass on this week where I don’t have to tell you a lesson?”  The animals and I stare at her.
Celestia sighs and rolls her eyes.  “Yes, Twilight,” she says.  “You’re fine.  You clearly won’t be cast away from Equestria.  Now just enjoy the moment.”  
“Sorry,” Twilight says while calming herself down.  I and the other ponies laugh.
“By the way,” the princess continues, “does anybody or anypony else have something to confess?”
Kyle is the first to respond.  He says to me, “Pete.  I am very sorry for tasing your neighbors.  I wouldn’t think a gang full of pussy nerds would include a young James Bond who’s hard-working and listens to rap all day.”
“Hey man,” I say, “it’s all cool.  Cause now you know the potential anyone can have without being famous from ways like Justin Bieber or Paris Hilton.”
“Oh man,” says Stan somberly.  “Fluttershy, I must greatly regret killing your pets so much.  I don’t know how to pay you back.”  He leans on her and starts crying.
Fluttershy walks over to Stan and says, “Now, now, little human.”  She puts her front leg around him.  “Me and my pony friends brought them back to life.”
When Rainbow Dash recognizes these moments, she says, “Hey Peter, now I cannot believe I forced you into doing S&M.  You see, I just think too much for myself sometimes and it gets out of hand.  I owe you and Rarity one huge ass apology.  I was just so stupid-I knew you didn’t like it.”
“Hey Rainbow,” I say.
“What?”
“You and me.  Two nights from now.  Whatchya say?”
Rainbow approaches and hugs me.  She emotionally answers “Yes!” and it’s muffled because her mouth’s on my shoulder.
“Well, I better leave you guys for your emotional moments,” Celestia says.  She gets in her carriage and flies away.  Twilight notices her take off first and yells, “Bye Princess!”  The rest of us wave at her with Twilight.  After that, we group hug.
“Congratulations, Petey!” says Rarity.  “All of Equestria will remember you for good.  Not just as an elite brony, but also a hero to our land!”  We hug and kiss.
A couple seconds later, Cartman says, “So, is this all over?  I just want to head back home, eat Taco Bell and play video games."
“But what about the Fellowship of the Ring project, Eric?” Butters asks.
“Oh shit, that too.  But how are we supposed to get home when we have no fucking transportation?”  Eric breaks up the group hug, and we all stare at him for a moment.  Then I say, “I mean, there's an Amtrak station a few miles down highway 39.  I can buy you guys tickets.
“Dude,” says Cartman, “Thanks so much!”
“It's good, Eric.  Where do yall live, by the way?”
“South Park, Colorado,” the boys say altogether.
“WOW.  I always hear about crazy shit happening there.  Anyway, you guys want to go back now?”
The five respond with things such as, “Yes, please!  Get me out of here!”  I roll my eyes and say, “Okay.  You kids follow me to my SUV.”  I lead the kids to the Escalade, and the ponies, boys, Spike, and I all exchange goodbyes while I’m doing so.
"Wait-Peter," says Celestia, "you will come to the after-gala at my castle at eight, right?"
"Of course your highness," I say.  "Sure I'll be there in time."
Then I take the boys on one last ride in the Cadillac out to the station.  While we were on the highway, the radio announcer says, “Also on TMZ.com, a very interesting audio that unveils Peter Leritz and his GF having sex; leading to a strange confrontation with a...princess?”  I growl as soon as I hear that, and yell out to Eric, “CARTMAN!  I TOLD YOU RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE-NOT TO RECORD ME AND MY BOO!  Of course you had to be full of shit again!”  All the boys, especially Cartman, laugh their asses off while I, all pissed off, drive them into the sunset.



THE END