//------------------------------// // Reasonable Misery // Story: South-Pony Collision // by misterawesome //------------------------------// "This shit is wicked on these mean streets None of my friends speak, we're all tryna win but then again Maybe it's for the best though cause when they're saying too much You know they're trying to get you touched" -Shawn "Jay-Z" Carter from "D'Evils" off of Reasonable Doubt, 1996 When we arrive in town, things look as crazy as they had been when Discord attacked before. Clouds are cotton candy that rain chocolate, trees become candy canes, wild animals are hella tall and skinny, and others are chodes. The buildings were also transformed into the most random foods one can think of, while others were turned upside down. These include some paths and other pony-made things. Everything is affected except for domesticated animals and residents. Some of these attacks had been inspired by Discord, others by Cartman because he had been high still. We all sit on the ground to get a glimpse of the town because all the chairs are electric and all the benches have needles sticking out of the planks. I look around and say, “I must say, this is fucked up a little worse than last time, but it doesn’t look very disastrous. Ponyville just has a little genetic mutation.” “But all these ponies are so affected out by this,” Twilight implies. “Look around, the damage speaks for itself.” So I look around. There are plenty of unusual things going on. I see Lyra and Bon-Bon sit in front of their bench because needles are sticking out of it. DJ-P0N3 puts in Skrillex and Deadmau5 records for an outdoor disaster relief party. But instead of playing dubstep and electro house, they play country music-Garth Brooks and Brad Paisley. It irritates the ponies in attendance and they leave. On another view, Derpy Hooves sets down a stack of papers in front of Miss Cherilee’s front door. Derpy rings the doorbell, and leaves as Cherilee opens the door, waves to her and yells, “Thanks, Derpy!” Then she reads through the papers, and has a big grin on her face. She shouts, “Oh my Gosh! My school is among the top ten in Equestria!” I tell Twilight, “Gotta agree with you, Twi. The town really is hit hard...Now I suggest you guys head over to your own houses to see if everything is alright.” “You’re right,” says Twilight. “Girls, head back to your homes to check on your houses and families. Come on, Spike.” Those two head off to Twilight’s library, as the other ponies split up, heading towards their own homes. I walk around town looking for coffee, knowing that I should be awake and ready to face any shit coming towards me. As Twilight and Spike walk towards their library, Spike asks, “So uh, I’m kinda having a weird day. To cheer ourselves up, you want to play pretend when we get back?” “No,” Twilight answers. “Let’s just remain calm in this crazy time.” “Wow,” says Spike, “I bet it’s because you have to ‘studies’ you ‘need’ to get on to.” They walk through the door. “Yes, I have to know what I can about how magic can completely clean a pony’s body.” She pulls a pony hygiene book off the shelf and starts reading it. “But how is that relevant to Discord? Or the current state of Ponyville? Or Peter and his friends? Twilight, I think you need to calm your busy mind for once.” That gets Twilight thinking. She realizes something, and says to Spike, “You know, you’re actually right. Even with my friends on my back I still cannot think about these studies I’m just so damn curious about. Let’s play a little pretend to ease our minds, shall we?” “Alright! Let’s be cop and criminal this time. I’m the cop and you’re the criminal.” “I’m cool. Just let me look like one first.” She digs through a treasure chest and pulls out an old hat and disguise glasses, then puts them on. Spike gets a police hat and puts it on. Then he proceeds to play by grabbing Twilight by the hooves and says, “Young man, you’re under arrest!” “What did I even do, officer? This is a nice town, why would I fuck with this place?” Kenny walks in front of the library, and notices the two playing pretend cops through the window. Because Twilight is wearing a male human-disguise pair of glasses, and Spike is wearing a cop hat, he interprets the two playing as gay sex role-play. He thinks Twilight’s a male homo. “Yes, you are held under suspicion of drug dealing,” Spike continues. “You think I’m a drug dealer? Ask me what the smell of weed is like!” says Twilight. Kenny turns away from the window and busts the door open, making a sassy pose upon entrance. The pony and dragon stop what they were doing and turn towards Kenny. They look confused. Then Kenny says in a dainty way, “Hey, boys!” Then he walks toward them in a sexy manner. “Uh, hi Kenny,” says Spike. Kenny strips his pants off and moves toward Twilight, saying, “So you’ve been going around town fucking shit up, huh?” The two become even more dumbfounded. Kenny stops behind Twilight, who sweats out of nervousness and has no idea what the hell to do. Spike looks at what’s going on awkwardly. Assuming she is continuing her role as a suspect, Kenny puts his hands on her hips and tells her, “So you’re too nervous to talk, buddy. Looks like you’ve robbed a hundred grand or something.” He begins to jump on Twilight’s back, but she kicks him with her right back leg, sending Kenny back three feet. He ends up on the ground with a bloody nose. Twilight takes off her disguise and gets furious with Kenny, angrily saying, “What do you think you’re doing? Spike and I were playing pretend, when out of nowhere you just randomly come in here, take off your pants and assume I’m a gay guy? That’s beyond insane. I’m a motherfucking pony, you’re a human child!” Spike runs up to his little bed because he’s scared from Twilight’s yelling. “Out of my house-I don’t want to see you again! And take your silly pants with you.” Kenny quickly puts his pants back on, rushes outside and slams the door. Twilight out of insecurity gallops up to her bed and tucks herself in, as Spike follows her and does the same. “Spike,” she says, “I don’t wanna be involved in this anymore-I’m done. Discord…he has just taken this to a whole new level. Now go grab me the book I pulled out as we came in.” So he does exactly that and brings it to her. She immediately opens to where she had left off. ******************************************************************************** Meanwhile at the bakery, Mr. and Mrs. Cake have a word with Pinkie Pie. “Pinkie,” says Mrs. Cake, “where have you been all this time? You left without us, and now you seem tired as hell.” “And you seem nervous too,” adds Mr. Cake. “Did you do anything bad?” As crazy as she can get in these situations, she speedily tells the truth without resistance. “Well, I saw my friends walking in the streets, so I hopped on over to them. That one awesome brony Peter LeSay was there and-" “Wait a second,” Mrs. Cake interrupts, “why in your right mind would you be with that guy? You could have gotten a fatal disease!” “No, Mrs. Cake. Me and all my friends are his friends. He also brought some younger human friends with him, and we all went to the park. But we’d later find those other boys arguing in front of Discord's statue at the maze, and-" “They released Discord?” suspiciously asks Mr. Cake. “Yes. And he turned four of the five human boys gray, and took off with the one boy who remained normal.” “Damn Pinkie, it sounds like you got into real danger. Not cool.” Mrs. Cake says, “And as a punishment, Mr. Cake and I will take the kids for a walk, so you can watch over the bakery for us.” The two head upstairs to grab Pound and Pumpkin out of their cribs, dress them, then take them downstairs to put them in a stroller. As the head out the door, Mr. Cake says, “You better take good care of this place, Pinkie. Don’t cause any messes, or else.” The Cake family closes the door, and Pinkie Pie stands at the counter alone and ashamed. Immediately Pinkie starts having some thoughts. She says to herself, “Mr. and Mrs. Cake shouldn’t treat me like this. I’m their employee, not their kid. I know I’m crazy and sometimes do fucked up stuff, but I never get hurt from anything stupid I do, right? It’s not like I eat the food here, I know its theirs. Seriously, I’m not dependent like Pumpkin or Pound. I’m in just fine condition, and nothing crazy I do will kill me!…On the other hand, I do get extra pay for doing this, right? Yeah. So it’s like a reward, just for standing and being bored! Now I enjoy doing this just for that reason. I know it’s weird, but it’s reasonable.” Then she stares out the door and waits for a customer to walk in. A few minutes later, Rarity walks in with Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. Rarity and Pinkie Pie greet each other. “I found these girls playing in my house,” Rarity says, “and they would certainly not be safe alone. So I figured that chilling at your place is the best idea.” “No can play, Rare. Mr. and Mrs. Cake made me work for hanging with Pete and leaving without asking.” “That's terrible. Well, we’ll be upstairs, alright?” “Wait sis,” says Sweetie Belle. “We want some treats from Pinkie.” “Okay Sweetie, here’s some bits for you fillies.” She hands the bits over to Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, and they buy cookies, then the two head up with Rarity to Pumpkin’s and Pound’s room. When they get there, the fillies dig through the toy box. Scootaloo pulls out Guess Who and asks Sweetie, “Wanna play this?” “Nope,” she replies out of boredom. She digs deeper, pulls out Twister and says, “This game is way more fun.” “Are you kidding me? That’s so haaaard! I must find something else.” Sweetie digs deeper and pulls out Yahtzee. She says, “Now this is not so impossible.” “I don’t want a game that involves stuff we learn in school.” Scootaloo picks up Connect Four and says, “This game gets intense. Everybody at school loves this!” “You know what? Forget games. Let’s try to get our Cutie Marks again. Now what can we get ours in this time? Hm…” Sweetie and Scootaloo think of ways to get their cutie marks. However, the lady in charge knows something would go wrong here, so she thinks of something simple. “Cleaning,” she says. “Cleaning?” the two fillies ask. “Why the hay would we want to get out cutie marks in cleaning?” asks Scoot. “Well first of all, you made this whole room a mess,” says Rarity. “Secondly, if you clean for a while, you could start picking up trash ponies dropped and save Equestria.” “Really?” asks Sweetie Belle. “Cleaning up helps save Equestria?” “Absolutely. Picking up trash is very helpful because leaving it on the ground is frightening for Equestria. And all you have to do is pick up trash, making Equestria a better place, and nopony will get sick. Cause trash can make anypony sick.” “Well,” says Scootaloo, “I guess you’re right. Come on Sweetie Belle, let’s pick these toys up faster than Rainbow Dash.” “Totally!” Sweetie says. So the two fillies put away the toys as fast as they could. Once they finished, they check their flanks to see if they now have gotten their cutie marks. And like always, no cutie marks show up, and the fillies bow their heads in shame. Then Sweetie Belle looks at the toy box. She notices Monopoly and says to Scootaloo, “Hey Scoots, it’s that monopoly game where you got Diamond Tiara bankrupt pretty early in.” “Ahahahaha! Yeah, did you see her rage? It’s a fun game by the way. Let’s play it!” “Now we finally have a game to play.” Sweetie takes out the game and continues to play it with her sister and friend. Back downstairs, the door opens and in comes Butters. He asks Pinkie Pie, “So I guess this is the bakery in town?” “Yes-sir-ey!” replies Pinkie. Butters heads up to the counter, puts his arm on it, and looks at Pinkie with a concentrated expression. He says, “So, what’s the best you’ve got here?” “It’s this strawberry cake, over here.” She points to it, which is a pink cake below the counter behind glass. “It’s been in the Cake family for generations, and it has done amazing things for ponies. It was the only affordable and favorite cake during the Equestrian Great Depression and-” “Fuck history, just give me some chocolate chip cookies.” “Oooookay…” Pinkie grabs some cookies, bags them and puts them on the counter. Butters grabs the bag of them. “That’ll be three bits, sir,” Pinkie says. “I ain’t payin’ no bits. I only have American dollars.” So he takes three bucks from his pocket and puts them on the counter. But Pinkie says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t recognize this money.” Coming up with an excuse, Butters tries to get the cookies and says, “It’s the same as American bits, Goddamit!” “Okayokayokayokayokayokayokayokayokay! Pay with your money, take your food and leave!” Pinkie takes the $3 from Butters and he takes his cookies. Then he says, “This place looks crappy. Can I go upstairs to see if it’s any cooler?” “Ahhh, sure…” Pinkie says, frightened from how Butters had just treated her. He heads upstairs and walks in on Rarity, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo. Rarity smirks and nervously says, “Uh, hello Butters.” “Oh wow, another friend!” Scootaloo says. “Would you like to play Monopoly with us?” Butters replies, “No. Monopoly is for corporate fat cats to pass time and have a little fun. If you play like the fat cats, you live like the fat cats.” “O-kay…” says Rarity, “never heard of that one before. Hehehehehe.” Butters heads back downstairs. While this happens, Sweetie Belle asks her sister, “Oh gosh! Who is he? Please just tell me Discord made him act this way.” “Yes, Sweetie Belle. Discord did just mess around with him. Not a big deal.” “Whew, thank Celestia. If that were his actual self, I’d have nightmares. Anyway, we should get back to our game.” Butters comes up to Pinkie Pie and tells her, “Your place is terrible! It’s all girly and crap, and you just had to be the baby mama of two kids!” Pinkie could not stand Butters’ denials and shots. She feels insulted, anxious, and shocked all at the same time. She gasps and backfires, “I would never have been a baby mama, I’m not a slut! And this place is supposed to be girly. This is a bakery, and the Cake family and I have always wanted to make the place look as sweet and great as our food.” “That explains why I hate this place, oh-and your cookies don’t even have the right starches! Did you learn anything from chemistry class?” “No! You PRICK! Now let me tell you something else. This ain’t chemistry-this is fun. Cooking is fun. And the shit I cook is the bomb, so don’t be telling me.” “The shit you cook is shit. You and the Cake family will not make garbage. You will produce a chemically pure and stable product that performs as advertised. No adulterants. No baby formula. No pumpkin powder.” “No, no, pumpkin P is my signature!” “Well...fuck that shit! Not anymore.” Butters finishes those words retreats from the bakery, slamming the door on his way out. Pinkie Pie stares at the door with tears hanging in her eyes. A few seconds later, she cries so hard her tears come out of her eyes like streams from a water fountain. Rarity hears Pinkie cry and she rushes down to her to see what the problem is. “What’s wrong, dear?” she asks. Pinkie Pie stops crying and says, “Butters is so mean! He accused this place of being girly, said that my ways of baking are shit, and I should change the-e-em!” She goes back to crying a fountain. “Dear Celestia,” Rarity says in a frustrated manner. “It seems as if Discord really crossed the line this time.” ******************************************************************************** Around this time, Applejack knocks on her house door. Granny Smith is there to open it. “Oh, Applejack,” she says. “Hi, Granny.” “Come right in, we have a big change to our family.” Applejack walks into the room and Granny Smith shuts the door before heading back to her rocking chair. To the left of Applejack, Applebloom and Big Macintosh sit on the couch between Kyle. He’s reading out of The Book of Mormon to the Apple family. “Now Applejack,” says Granny Smith, “a couple hours ago, this young human came to our door and started telling us about this wonderful book called ‘The Book of Mormon.’” “The one he’s reading out of right now?” Applejack asks in a nervous manner, knowing that Kyle is grey from Discord, and that she believes he cast a spell on Kyle to read the holy book to her family. “Indeed. Now, Elder Broflovski told us that there are many great teachings out of The Book of Mormon. He’s sharing some more stories and lessons with your siblings right now.” “Hm, I got a feeling about this…” Applejack says suspiciously. “What specifically is this ‘Book of Mormon’ about, Granny Smith?” AJ’s question gets Kyle’s attention. He says to her, “Oh hello, Applejack. The Book of Mormon is an amazing book. Probably the best in the world. It’s about the stories and teachings of an American prophet long ago named Joseph Smith. In the long past year of 1832, two angels come down from heaven and brought the original Book of Mormon to him.” “Wait-let me get this straight here. So Fluttershy’s bunny and twin-” “No, sis!” Applebloom interrupts. “He’s not talking about Fluttershy’s pet. He’s talking about a human who lives in Heaven, has wings and a big gold ring above his head. They are the servants of God and heaven.” “Hold on there, sugar cube,” implies AJ. “What is this ‘heaven’ place?” “Heaven,” Kyle explains, “is up in the clouds. It is the place where people go when they die, and they live there forever.” “What? Heaven isn't the place up in the coulds-that's Cloudsdale. I've been there before, and everybody I saw was well alive. This is weird already. I sure cannot wait to find out who ‘God’ is.” “God, He is the father of all people and living things. He lives in heaven. He is our love, our supernatural ruler, the creator of the world. He is also our ultimate savior, and the light of the world.” “Granny Smith, do you believe all the bullshit this kid is telling us?” “Of course I do,” Granny responds in a rather angry manner. “And it isn’t ‘bullshit,’ you rotten barrel! Elder Broflovski speaks the truth!” “It is true Applejack,” says Applebloom. “If you were here when Elder Broflovski walked in, you would understand everything.” “But that’s impossible,” Applejack continues, “Princess Celestia is the creator and ruler along with Princess Luna, and everypony knows that. In fact, everypony should know that!” “I know,” Applebloom goes on, “but God is the overall creator and ruler. Besides, He cares for us. Would Celestia take us all to a perfect world someday? Nope. She’s just the ruler of Equestria, while God is the ruler of the whole world. Ain’t that right, Big Macintosh?” “Eeyup,” Mac replies. “Besides,” Kyle says, “Your religion has Princess Luna in addition to Celestia. That’s two supernatural beings. There is only one true supernatural being, that is God-our loving, powerful savior.” Applejack growls. She exclaims, “Alright, Apple family! Your brains have been mushed into applesauce. Not only do you spontaneously deny our princesses' powers, but the consequences of a pony switching to another religion are even worse!” “Don’t worry Applejack,” Kyle says, trying to calm her down. “As long as they have the Book of Mormon in their house, your family is A-Okay.” Someone knocks on the door three times. Granny Smith says, “Hey AJ, would you mind getting the door while us Mormons pray?” “Uh, sure Granny.” She walks towards the door and opens it. In come two Equestrian soldiers. The one on the right asks AJ, “Is this the Apple residence?” “Yes sir,” she answers. “Now which members of this residence believe in the Mormon religion?” Applejack points to her family members as she says their names in remorse: “Ahh, Granny Smith, Big Macintosh, and Applebloom.” “Brock,” says the soldier, “let’s take them away.” The four break from prayer and scream. The soldiers tie together the front legs of the three ponies with a rope. Applebloom and Granny Smith cry, Macintosh repeatedly says “Nope,” Kyle drops his jaw, and Applejack sheds tears as she watches the scene. Then the soldiers take the ponies outside and throw them in a steel carriage with two small windows. Applebloom asks one of the soldiers, “Why are you monsters doing this to us?” The other soldier replies, “You three are under arrest. It is part of the Royal Equestrian Code for all natural-born ponies to believe in the Celestial religion. Which means belief in any other religion is forbidden.” Granny Smith yells at the soldier, “You cannot arrest me! I own a strong business that dates back-” “Silence!” the soldier interrupts, as he points a spear toward Granny. “If you don’t shut up, we’ll make you!” “Okay okay, whatever you say.” AJ and Kyle walk onto the scene and reach the soldier. Applejack asks him, “Are you seriously taking my family to the royal jail?” “Applejack,” says the soldier, “your family members are criminals. You can to nothing about them at this time. We leave that for justice.” Then he calls out to the other soldier, “How’s the fire coming along, Henry?” Applejack turns around in the direction the soldier is facing. She gasps heavily and says, “What in tarnation! Why the hay are you burning Apple Acres?” “It’s coming along fine,” the other soldier yells back over at Apple Acres, whom has now set fire to a dozen trees at Apple Acres. Applejack is in complete shock now, and she falls to the ground from feeling strong, harsh emotions. “That’s cool,” yells the other soldier, “that’ll spread to where I desire.” He turns back to Applejack and tells her, “I told you, kid. Justice would take care of your family, and part of that justice is setting fire to a third of your farmland.” He again yells back to the other soldier, “OK man, let’s take these guys to the slammer.” So the other soldier heads back over to the carriage. As he does this, Applejack releases an emotion part sad and part angry onto Kyle. She tells him, “This is all YOUR FAULT! If you didn’t convince my family that Celestia was fake, none of this shit would’ve happened. But now, you got me traumatized!” Kyle says apologetically, “I am so very sorry, Miss Applejack. Us Mormons are just doing our job.” “Well your ‘job’ might get my historic family business shut down for good! Leave Apple property! NOW!” Kyle walks away in shame with his head looking down at the ground, while Applejack watches the soldiers fly her family away. She bows her head in sadness, sighs, and says to herself, “How can this be? My future is in so much danger, thanks to that fucker Discord. I think hanging with Pete would be the best thing to do. He’s the only pony I know rich and smart enough to get rid of that hoe.” She walks into Ponyville looking for me. ******************************************************************************** As Fluttershy opens the door to her house, she says out loud, “Hello, everybody! I’m ho-ome!” to her animals. But she looks around and finds none of her pets. She gets nervous and says, “Uh, where is everybody? They all might as well be upstairs sleeping. Hopefully, I didn’t wake anybody up.” So she heads upstairs. As she walks into her room, she smells something terrible, making her say, “Ew! I bet they pulled pranks on me-turning this fresh tree into a junkyard!” She turns on the lights and sees all the beds with lumps underneath the covers. She says, “I knew it. They’re all just asleep.” She turns around and notices an empty birdcage. “Oh no! One of my parakeets is gone. I suppose it’s resting with Angel.” Fluttershy heads toward Angel’s crib and unveils the cover. The bird isn’t there, but Angel is. However, he was not even breathing and has blood leaking out of his stomach. Fluttershy screams so loud that it can be heard throughout most of Ponyville and into the clouds. In the clouds, Rainbow Dash is sleeping peacefully, until she awakes form Fluttershy’s scream. She says, “Oh, crap. I can tell something’s wrong with Fluttershy.” So she stands up, lifts off from her could/bed, and quickly flies to Fluttershy’s cottage. She rushes up to Fluttershy, who is lying down and crying in front of Angel’s bed. Rainbow asks her, “What’s the matter, Fluttershy?” Fluttershy sniffs a tear, turns to RD and says, “Angel’s dead, man.” She goes back to crying. Rainbow gets very shocked really quick. "Oh no!" he exclaims. Then she gets angry and says, “Who in Celestia’s name would do such bullshit?” “I would,” says Stan’s voice. He comes out of a cabinet drawer for the two to see. Rainbow and Fluttershy, who is still crying, turn towards Stan. They gasp, and Rainbow only grows more angry. She says, “It’s YOU?! What are you doing here? Killing the pet of such a calm, innocent pony?” “I’m hunting,” Stan replies. “There is not much I could find in this forest back here. But then I came to this house, and I could not believe what I saw: tons of different animals, all of which could make something useful. So I killed all the animals that lived here with a spear. So now, I can put these raw materials to work.” Both Rainbow and Fluttershy get even more shocked, and scream out loud, “NOOOOOOOOO!” Rainbow Dash continues her mocking toward Stan and tells him, “AURGH! Go fuck yourself, kid! Next time you kill an animal make sure it’s not a damn pet. Now get out of this house!” “Okay I’m sorry,” says Stan, who walks down the stairs and out the door with a sad face on. Then Fluttershy turns to Rainbow and says, “Please, stay at my house for as long as I need you.” She sniffs. “I cannot deal with this alone.” “Of course I will help you cope with this thing,” says Rainbow. “That’s what good, long-time friends are for.” She pats Fluttershy on her back. “And please, buy me new pets!” “Yeah, I don’t have the money for that. Pete does though, we can ask him.” “Alright. Gee, I don’t know where to turn if he turns that down.” She continues sobbing as the two walk downstairs and go find me. My location, though? While the Mane Six suffer from what the boys bring them, I am walking around town with a frozen coffee. Walking in the opposite direction is Octavia, who spots me and is in shock. But then she smiles, blushes, and walks over towards me. She says, “Oh, look who we have here: the most handsome guy any pony has seen.” I stop in shock and look at Octavia. I say, “Ah, hello Octavia. You’re one of the cutest ponies I’ve seen.” “You really think I’m that attractive?” “Yes, you have one of my favorite voices I’ve heard from a pony. And I know you have one of the best manes, too.” “Ah, you make me feel as beautiful as my music.” “You know why? That’s cause you really are.” “Oh, stop it you! Now just take me to your bedroom. I want to see your beautiful mare body.” “Well, I’m already busy tonight. I’ll set you up for tomorrow night.” “Tomorrow night? Shit, I got a concert.” “Then I’ll be your groupie for the night.” “Peter, you are a wonderful man. My concert starts at eight in the park and lasts for 2.5 hours.” “That’s awesome. I’ll see you then.” “Later boy…I hope your body’s as beautiful as it looks.” She kisses me on the cheek and walks away. On the same stretch of dirt road Octavia walks away from me on, Cartman runs toward me panting. When he gets to me, he says, “Peter! You’ve got to listen to me!” I knew it’s been quite a while since Cartman had last smoked weed, so I decide to take him seriously this time and ask, “Whatsup, little bro?” “Discord is suck a fucking idiot!” he yells. “I know. Everypony and every brony knows.” “His destruction to the town is gay. He really never destroyed any buildings or kill any people. What he did was make the town look like it’s on acid. The only real violence I did was use my taser on a couple ponies, but even then he told me it wasn't "real evil" and I was being distracting. Is that not fucked?” “Yeah, he thinks he’s a badass villain but his tactics are weird and suck. And he's just a huge asshole. By the way, why are you so hyped up about this?” “Because I only went around town with him destroying it when I was high, and I thought it was funny. But when I sobered up, I realized he was making me his bitch: he summoned the grossest couch and made me clean it up, so he could sit and enjoy the weird so called destruction he had done to Ponyville. It took me over an hour! When I finally finished that shit, he sat down and summoned popcorn in his hands, and purposely ate them like a four year old so that there would be all these popcorn pieces lying on the cushions! Who is he making pick them up? Me! I didn’t want to do it, so I ran from the couch as quickly as possible to find you. Because you’re the only person I believe is cool here, and I don't know where else to go.” He calms down and starts breathing heavily again. “So, what should we do?” “It's simple, we uh kill the Discord.” "Hahaha. Just up and kill him? Why so serious?" "Because of something important I've learned from Discord. Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn." I stop for a moment and think that through. “You're right" I say. "Okay Eric, I'm up for it. That is-if he doesn’t know what guns are.” “Well...I never told him about guns, and he never spoke about them. So we should be good.” “That’s perfect! Bring him to me now.” So Cartman leads me to where Discord is chillin' at.