Lavender Unicorn Syndrome

by Sharaloth


Part 4: Everypony Talks Too Much

Applejack threw herself against the door, slamming it shut and throwing the half-dozen guards trying to push it open away. "Does anypony want to tell me just what in Equestria is goin’ on here?" she asked, wide purple eyes scanning the lavender faces around her for any sign of understanding.

"What is happening," the lavender unicorn said, pulling futilely at her hair. "Is that while we have not gained Twilight's prodigious magic, we have gained her unruly mane! She has anxiety attacks like I have fainting spells! How does she keep this straight?"

"Not exactly what I was referrin' to," Applejack said, bouncing a bit as the door was bucked from the other side. "In case you hadn't noticed, we're kinda under siege here!"

"I can see that, Applejack!" the lavender unicorn snapped. "They're just guards, they probably think we're all changelings or something else horrid. Let them in and we'll sort it out in no time at all."

"Surrender!" an authoritarian stallion called from outside. "We have you surrounded!"

"I don't know, Rarity," Pinkie Pie said, frowning at the door. "They looked pretty grumpy."

"Yeah, and they're mighty insistent on gettin' in here," Applejack said, getting bounced again. The door began to splinter under the impact and Applejack glared at the lavender unicorns milling about. "Any time y'all want to give me a helpin' hoof, I'd really appreciate it." A few abashed ponies moved to put their own efforts into holding the door closed against the assault. "Big Mac! You holdin' out at the back door?"

"Eeyup!" the unseen lavender unicorn called from his place.

"We've locked all the upstairs doors and windows!" Rainbow Dash called as she ran down the stairs from the upper levels. "They're not busting the glass in yet, but once they do we're going to have a lot of armored pegasi dropping on us!"

"Has anyone seen my brush? It's a nice dark wood with a three diamonds in the back and I seem to have mislaid it!"

"Bigger problems, Rarity!" Applejack shouted. "Any actual unicorns, if y'all could reinforce the windows, that'd be dandy!"

"How?" a lavender unicorn who was probably also an actual unicorn asked from the crowd.

"Rarity?" Applejack turned to the lavender unicorn, purple eyes wide and pleading.

The lavender unicorn sighed. "Basic telekinesis should do fine, darlings. Just encompass the whole of the window and hold it in place."

"Alright, get to it!" Applejack commanded. Several lavender unicorns leapt into motion, their horns lighting up and filling the air with a rainbow of colors as they worked their magic.

"They're pulling back!" the lavender mayor called from her place watching through the window. "It looks like they're getting ready for something!"

"Okay, anything else we need to know?"

"I found Rarity's hairbrush!" a lavender unicorn called out.

"Mine!" the lavender unicorn cried, leaping towards the pony who had spoken and bodychecking him away from her brush. She snatched up the item and began running it through her frazzled mane before turning to the pony she had shoved. "Thank you dear, I'll give you twenty five percent off your next dress."

"I'm not the dress type, miss," the lavender unicorn with an hourglass cutie mark and a nametag that read 'Dr. T. Turner' said with a stallion's voice. "Not this time around, at least. Where did you learn to hit like that?"

"Hoofball, dear," the lavender unicorn replied, pulling knots out of her mane.

"I hadn't figured you for the kind to play rough sports."

"Oh, I'm not," the lavender unicorn assured him. "My father, though..."

"Focus, Rarity!" Applejack called out.

"I am focused!" the lavender unicorn shot back. "I'm telling you, this is all a misunderstanding and it will be fine if you just relax and let the guards in!

"Somepony's coming to the front!" the mayor called. "It's Twilight Sparkle!"

"What else is new?" a snarky lavender unicorn called out.

"No, I mean it's Princess Twilight!" the mayor clarified. "Wings and everything!"

"Well, thank... uh, who are we supposed to be thankin' now?" Applejack asked, frowning as she thought it over.

"Well, Twilight's a princess, but she's not THE princess, right?" Dash asked, stepping up next to Applejack. "Celestia's still, like, in charge of everything, right?"

"I thought she had split control with Luna," the mayor put in, stepping away from the window and allowing another lavender unicorn to take her place. "At least, that's what the official court documents all say."

"What about Cadance?" Pinkie asked, bouncing to the group at the door. "Isn't she a princess too?"

"Yeah, but she's up in the Crystal Empire with Shinin' Armor and all that," Applejack said. "I thought that was its own kingdom or somethin'."

"I thought it was another part of Equestria," Dash said. "Like, Cloudsdale or Manehattan. I mean, it's not much of an empire with just one city, right?"

"She's saying something!" the lavender unicorn who had taken the mayor’s place called out. "I can almost make it out, but there's too much noise in here!"

"That's nice, dear," the lavender unicorn said, also walking to the door and still running the brush through her mane. "Are you arguing over what Twilight's political position is?"

"I thought it was more a religious thing," Applejack replied.

"They're essentially one and the same," the lavender unicorn said. "Not officially, mind you, but all the manuals on noble etiquette indicate that a princess of Equestria is divinity first and royalty second, but always both."

"Yeah, but how much can we trust a book on etiquette?" Dash asked.

“Not terribly much, I’m afraid,” the lavender unicorn admitted. “That kind of thinking went out of style some time ago, but it is the only place I know of that actually addresses the issue.”

“She’s gesturing with this really, really big sword!” the lavender lookout called. “I really think we should be listening to what she’s saying!”

“In a moment, darling!” the lavender unicorn called back, still vigorously brushing at her mane. “It’s not just us, you know. Everypony’s been a little confused since Luna’s return.”

“Shouldn’t they have figured it out earlier?” Dash asked. “Shouldn’t we, like, have an official list or something? I mean, Cadance has been around for a while, but I’d never even heard of her until the wedding. Now she’s all over the place! What’s up with that?”

“Look, all I want to know is if I should be thankin’ Celestia for Twilight showing up, or thankin’ Twilight herself,” Applejack interjected. “It ain’t that hard.”

“Maybe Celestia sent Twilight,” Pinkie provided. “Then you could thank them both!”

“Unless it was Luna that sent her,” Dash pointed out.

“Oooh, yeah,” Pinkie said, sitting down and tapping a hoof on her chin. “I hadn’t thought of that.”

“Does it really matter who sent who?” Applejack asked, exasperated. “I just want to know who to give my thanks to!”

“Then it does matter, dear,” the lavender unicorn said, trying vainly to get one last strand of mane to lay flat. “Perhaps we should forgo using the names of any Princess in a religious capacity until we have it sorted out.”

“Fair ‘nough,” Applejack said. “Still, I feel like I got to say somethin’.”

“Well, is there any other quasi-religious exclamation that might be appropriate?” the lavender unicorn asked.

“Holy horseapples!” the lavender lookout screamed, diving for cover.

“Not quite what I was talking abou–” The lavender unicorn was cut off as a huge sword etched with brilliantly glowing runes was rammed through the door. The blade missed her head by inches, impaling her hairbrush and shattering the expensive wood. The wind from the blade’s passage blew her hair out of its careful arrangement, and the static from the magical runes ensured that it stayed that way.

The sword drew back, sliding out of the door with a grinding screech and leaving a hole wide enough to fit a lavender hoof through. “Did I get anypony?” Twilight called from outside the town hall. “Hello? Some feedback would be nice!”

“Applejack,” the lavender unicorn said, her voice the tightly controlled calm of someone about to do something excessive. “Open the door.”

“Whoa there, nelly,” Applejack said. “No need to get all –”

“If you do not open this door, Applejack, I will go through you before I go through it,” the lavender unicorn said, smiling the pleasant smile of a pony who means exactly what she says.

“Clear the door!” Applejack shouted, prompting the lavender mob to draw as a far back from the town hall’s entrance as they could.

The lavender unicorn trotted back a ways and turned to face the door squarely, crouching down in a runner’s pose.

“Uh, Rarity, do you know what you’re doing?” Dash asked stepping up next to her.

“Of course, dear,” the lavender unicorn said. “Though I could use a good wingpony.”

“You got one,” Dash said, grinning widely and taking up a spot next to the lavender unicorn.

“You’ve got two!” Pinkie said, bouncing up to the other side and dropping into a menacing crouch of her own, growling like an angered dog.

“Welp, this ain’t gonna end well,” Applejack quipped, then grabbed the doors and pulled them open, diving to the side as soon as she could.

“Oh! You’re coming out!” Twilight said. She stood surrounded by guard ponies, blinking in the sunlight as she tried to focus on the relatively darker interior of the town hall. “That was, um, well, easier than I expected. Okay, come on out! I don’t want to hurt you, I just want to hit you with my giant, glowing sword!”

“Dr. Turner!” the lavender unicorn called out. “You were asking about my hoofball interests? Let me show you how to properly sack somepony!”

“That’s my girl!” the lavender unicorn’s equally lavender father whooped.

“This is so awesome,” Dash said. Pinkie interspersed her growls with giggles.

“Twilight!” the lavender unicorn yelled out the open door. “You ruined my mane!”

There was a pause outside. “Wait, Rarity?”

“Hut hut!”

***

“Ugh, Rarity, did you have to hit me in the horn?” Twilight moaned, dangling upside down from the roof by the rope wrapped securely around her. “I won’t be able to use magic properly for an hour now. I don’t understand how this even happened, I was surrounded by royal guards.”

“Your defensive line had too many gaps, they couldn’t protect the pocket,” the lavender unicorn said, lounging back on her fainting couch with a damp cloth over her eyes.

“They... what?”

“She means the guards weren’t set up to stop her,” Applejack clarified.

Twilight absorbed this for a long moment. “I still have no idea how this happened. These are highly trained royal guardsponies. A surprise attack getting to me, that I can understand, we’re all very tired. But the three of you taking out my entire unit? How did this happen?” She gestured with her horn at the rows of tied up ponies who looked back at her with abashed expressions.

“Hey, Twilight, remember the wedding?” Dash said, poking at the massive sword leaning up against the wall and watching it spark. “And how the six of us beat up, like, fifty changelings each?"

“Closer to a dozen, but yes, of course.”

“How about how the guards got taken out with way better odds than that?”

“I... fine.” Twilight shook her head, which made her swing like a pendulum. “We kick more flank than the royal guard. Woo hoo, go us, why are you all purple?!”

“Lavender, dear,” the lavender unicorn corrected, though she couldn’t put any energy into it. “Most of Ponyville has transformed into doubles of you, I’m afraid. We have no idea why.”

“But that’s... I mean...” Twilight sputtered

“What I want to know is why you were attacking us with a sword?” Dash demanded.

“I thought you were alternate-universe versions of me!” Twilight shouted back.

There was a moment of silence before Applejack responded. “What the hay would make you think that?”

“Maybe the fact that I’ve spent the last two days fighting alternate universe versions of me!” Twilight replied, huffing in exasperation.

“Twilight, darling,” the lavender unicorn began, sitting up. “Are you absolutely sure they were, ah, what you say they were? This all started for us yesterday morning, and if it began in Canterlot...”

“Oh! No. No no no,” Twilight said, eyes going wide. “Whatever’s going on here is not what happened in Canterlot.”

“I’ll say!” Spike said, looking down at them from his right-side-up place next to Twilight. “That was because of this ancient magic mirror, and there was a lot more screaming and spell battles.”

“Spell battles?” Applejack asked.

“It turns out most alternate versions of me are dangerously insane,” Twilight admitted. “Who knew?”

“I’d believe it,” Dash said.

“So you decide to skewer everypony that looks like you?” Applejack asked, frowning.

“What? No!” Twilight said, aghast. “Why would you think that?” Dash just tapped a hoof on the giant sword, sending arcane sparks flaring from its surface. “Okay, so the whole sword thing looks bad.”

“You think?”

“It’s not what it looks like,” Twilight said.

“It looks like a sword!” Pinkie Pie said, bouncing over to the blade. “Is it supposed to be a knife? Or a surfboard? Because if it is you’ve got the design really wrong.”

“It’s a sword, Pinkie,” Twilight said. “But it doesn’t hurt ponies. It’s a dispelling blade, made to end ongoing magical effects. It cuts magic, not flesh.”

“Oh, I see,” the lavender unicorn said. “So if you hit one of your alternates with it they would be returned to wherever they came from.”

“Precisely,” Twilight confirmed. “It would also cut through whatever protections they had put up. Celestia lent it to me, along with a number of lesser versions, to deal with my clone problem. I was coming to Ponyville to make sure none of them escaped to here, and when I saw all of you, well, I just made an assumption.”

“I guess that’s forgivable,” Applejack said. “Any one of us woulda come to the same conclusion.”

“Yeah, we can’t stay mad at you, Twilight!” Pinkie squeaked, grinning up at the bound princess.

“Quite so,” the lavender unicorn joined in. “However, you still owe me for my brush and messing up my mane!”

“Next spa visit is on me?” Twilight offered. “And I’ll buy you a new brush.”

“All is forgiven!” the lavender unicorn declared. “Though we could use your help in deciphering what has happened to us. Could your alternate universe problem be responsible?”

“I don’t see how,” Twilight said. “But this is still obviously magical in nature. The dispelling blades should be a solution here as well.”

“How do you use this thing?” Dash asked, grasping the sword hilt in her mouth and hefting up the blade.

“Just strike your target soundly,” Twilight said. “But, uh, not too soundly, okay? It doesn’t cut, but it will still hit them. The runes will do the rest, you should see a reaction immediately.”

“Oh! Oh! Me first! Me first!” Pinkie bounced, grinning from ear to ear.

“All right,” Dash mumbled from around the hilt. “Here goes!” She strained against the weight of the sword, lifting it into the air and swinging it at Pinkie. She missed, the awkward weight of the blade making her lose her balance. She cried out, her hooves clattering in an uncoordinated rhythm on the floor as she tried to keep control of the sword. She spun in a complete circle once, twice, three times before the blade slammed with brutal force into Pinkie.

“Wheeee!” Pinkie cried as she was launched across the town hall and through one of the high windows. Every pony stared at Dash, who dropped the sword from her open mouth, eyes wide. A moment later Pinkie bounced through the front door. “That was fun!” she said, giggling. “Am I pink yet?”

“No, dear,” the lavender unicorn said. “Still quite lavender, I’m afraid.”

“Aw, darn. Well, better try again!”

“No!” Twilight cried. “No, the sword clearly didn’t work, and somepony could get hurt.”

“Eyup,” Applejack agreed. “That thing’s too dangerous to go swingin’ around willy-nilly.”

“Awww,” a dejected Pinkie moaned.

“Twilight, why didn’t your sword work?” the lavender unicorn asked.

“I... I have no idea,” Twilight admitted. “This is clearly a magical effect, it should have been dispelled immediately. The fact that it wasn’t could mean... anything! I need to get to my library!”

“Of course, dear,” the lavender unicorn said. She reached for Twilight with her magic, but was interrupted by a burst of fire from Spike. “Spike! Are you okay?”

“Oh, wow, that doesn’t feel good,” Spike said, eyes wide and pained.

“Spike? What’s wrong? Is it a letter from the Princess?” Twilight asked, twisting until she was facing the young dragon.

“I don’t think it’s a letter,” Spike said, his face twisting up as licks of fire curled out from between his teeth. “Oh, man, this is gonna be a big one!” With a grunt of pain Spike’s mouth opened wide, letting loose a gout of green fire. The fire launched nearly six feet from his mouth before curling back, twisting around itself in a spiral of emerald magic before striking the baby dragon.

Ponies gasped, ponies fainted. “Spike!” Twilight cried out.

The fire faded, Spike coughed a few puffs of smoke out. “I’m alright, I’m okay,” he assured them. Everypony stared at him. “What happened? What is it?” Everypony continued to stare at him. “Come on, guys! What’s wrong?”

“Now, that ain’t right,” Applejack said.

“Guys! Don’t leave me hanging here!” Spike said without a trace of irony. “What happened?” Dash, not one to leave a friend hanging, metaphorically at least, pointed at the dragon’s forehead. Spike’s eyes crossed as he looked up to see the long, lavender horn that now protruded from his brow. Then, with the skill and deliberate intention of someone who has spent years assisting Twilight Sparkle in the most disaster-prone region of Equestria, he proceeded to scream.

“Spike! It’s okay! It’s okay!” Twilight assured him, though she didn’t look confident herself. “I’ll find a way to fix it!”

“Hit me with the sword!” Spike cried to Rainbow Dash.

“What?” Dash asked, still too shocked to process what was being asked of her.

“The sword doesn’t work!” Twilight said.

“Twilight, I love you, but I don’t want to be you!” Spike replied. “The transformation’s just begun, maybe it’ll work on me. It’s a chance I’m willing to take! Now hit me with that sword!”

“I don’t know if I can!” Dash said. “That thing’s really hard to steer!”

“Allow me!” The lavender unicorn rose from her couch, tossing her still-frizzy mane. “If my Spikey-wikey needs to be hit with a sword.” She encompassed the weapon with her magic, lifting it to a ready position beside her. “Then I, Rarity, will not let him down!” She pulled the sword up, ready to swing it, but hesitated. “Oh, but I do hate to see Spike hurt.”

“Got you covered!” Pinkie said. The lavender unicorn looked over to find her friend wearing a large sombrero and holding a blindfold. The record player from the hidden party stash was next to her, the sound of trumpets and guitars playing an upbeat tune floated out of it.

“Thank you, Pinkie,” the lavender unicorn said, holding still as the blindfold was placed over her eyes. “Yes, this will do. Are you ready, Spike?”

“As I’ll ever be! Thank you, Rarity!”

“Any time, darling! Here we go!” the lavender unicorn swung the sword.

“Ow!”

“Sorry, Twilight.”