//------------------------------// // The Time Lord // Story: Raggedy Adventures // by CaptainSanchez //------------------------------// "Is it bad that I've really missed this?" - Amelia Jessica Pond Raggedy Adventures Chapter 3: The Time Lord The Lunar Guards surrounding the TARDIS looked about as terrified as could be expected. Which is to say, not scared at all. As I'm well aware, the Lunar Guard prides itself on being prepared for anything and everything conceivable. Still, one could suppose that a TARDIS materializing in the middle of the Grand Hall wouldn't be covered in their training, and it didn't seem to be, given their reaction to the TARDIS. "Why are you stopping, Old Bait?" "Okay, Doctor, two things: one, I keep telling you to call me Colgate, and two, why don't you come out and see for yourself?" The Doc sighed loudly at this. You know, I hadn't really noticed before, but he was a bit curmudgeonly this time around. Can't say he didn't make it work, though. Anyhoof, the old-fart-that-didn't-look-like-an-old-fart trotted out of the TARDIS and into the Grand Hall of Canterlot Castle, muttering something to himself about "foals these days". He didn't even seem to notice the Guards; he just stuck out his tongue and tasted the air. "Okay, Canterlot Castle, Equestria, Equus, 11:34 AM on Tuesday the 23rd of Neighpril, about... 1432 CR. Okay." The Guards seemed annoyed by this. You know, behind their military bearing. "Right then," he said to the soldiers that were holding us at spearpoint, "Which one of you is in charge?" "I'll ask the questions," the Guard directly in front of me said, stepping forward. "Now who are you?" "So you're in charge, then?" the Doctor responded, turning his head to the Guard. "Yes, I am. Who are you?" "Look, I'm really not in the mood for this right now," The Doctor told him, "Can I just see the Princess?" "Absolutely not. You pose a potential threat." "An understandable assumption. Strange ponies in a strange blue barn that couldn't possibly hold the both of them materialize in the middle of the Grand Hall, so naturally the Guards, that's you gents, assume Defensive Containment Position Alpha Seven," the Doctor prattled, almost dumbfounding the Guard-in-Charge. Almost. Still, for anypony other than the Doctor, that'd be fairly impressive. At least he wasn't upset. As I remember, that happens pretty often. Ponies tend to get mad when you trot all over their authority, you know. "How do you know what it's called?" the Guard asked, his irritation almost evident in his voice. "What what's called?" the Doctor replied, a bit to quickly for my liking. "The maneuver. How did you know?" "Are we really talking about that? Look, I don't feel like chatting with you children. I have some friends to visit." "Children?!" Oh, great. He managed to make the soldiers mad. Admittedly, it took him longer than I expected. "Listen here, whoever-you-are, you had better st--" "DOCTOR!" The Guard was interrupted by a shout that could only be attributed to one mare in all the universe. Even after all these centuries, I still haven't encountered anything more memorable than little LuLu's Royal Canterlot Voice. The shout was followed by the sound of a galloping Princess, who was followed by her calmer, less-enthusiastic (but still pretty excited) sister. Of course, the Guards were rather taken aback by the sudden arrival, not to mention the foalish behavior, of the Harmonic Sisters. "Princess, you should stand back. We haven't yet assessed the threat of these intruders," the Guard told Luna. Needless to say, she was mildly upset by the obvious misunderstanding. "CAPTAIN NIGHTFURY, RELEASE THE DOCTOR AND HIS COMPANION AT ONCE, BEFORE I HAVE YOU DISHONORABLY DISCHARGED, THROWN INTO THE DUNGEONS, AND REPEATEDLY SPANKED TO THE TUNE OF THE PONY POKEY!!" See? She barely threatened him at all. Of course, I haven't seen her in about 843 years, so I might have some distorted memories. Oh, how I wish I could describe the look on his face when she said that. It was priceless. I mean, talk about your Kodiak Moments. "Captain, I believe what my sister is trying to say is that these ponies are old friends of hours," Celestia interjected. Of course, the Guards backed off. They probably would have already, but I think they were just too scared of the fabled Wrath of Luna. She can be pretty terrifying. Why, I remember this one time when she-- I'm getting off-subject, aren't I? Sorry. "My apologies, Doctor and Colgate," Captain Nightfury said, his head lowering a little. "Nothing to be ashamed of, Captain. You were simply doing your duty, even if you did it excessively," the Doctor said as he walked past the Guard, patting him lightly on the shoulder. "Sorry, Captain Nightfury. He's just cranky because he's such a geezer," I said, trying to make up for the Doctor's rudeness. "Hey!" "Well, you are!" "That's not the point, Romana!" From there, it became a whole different argument. I won't bore you with the details, but, needless to say, that stupid top hat of his has quite a few dents now, and he will remember to call me Colgate. As he picked up his stupid hat (and his stupid self) from the floor, I noticed Luna and Celestia looking at me with, well, fairly stunned expressions. Of course, on seeing this, I stopped rolling around with laughter and got back up on my hooves. "So, how have you ladies been recently?" I asked them -- Celestia and Luna, not my hooves --, regaining my composure. "Romana? I didn't realize you were still, shall we say, ticking," Luna said, grinning a little at her wordplay. "Neither did I, kid. I was living as a dentist back in Ponyville," I told her, "And these days, I go by Colgate." "I will remember that, Colgate," Luna said as she resumed walking. "So, Princesses, anything interesting going on tonight?" the Doctor asked, catching up with us. "Well, Doctor, we were just about to have some old friends over for dinner," Celestia said. "Really, now? Who might these 'friends' be?" the Doctor asked, sounding both curious and worried, as he often does. "Doc, don't be so thick, she means us," I told him with a roll of my eyes. "Hm? Oh, yes, right, us," he replied, smacking himself on the head ever so lightly. "That makes a good bit more sense than a changelings posing as Starswirl and Scorpan; so shall we head for the dining hall?" Now, it's gonna seem like I'm skipping to halfway through the meal, but… *** "Omnomnomnomnom…" said the Doctor, gobbling up apples as though he hadn't eaten in months. Seriously, he was eating them whole. WHOLE. Like, cores and all. And don't even get me started on the bananas; there might be an entire peel stuck between his teeth. He is clearly not the neatest eater this time around. I bet his teeth are just awful, too. Ugh. The thought of what his eating habits are doing to his teeth sent a shiver through me. I may have to punch him after we finish eating. "So, Celestia, how are things going nowadays?" I ask, trying to turn my attention to anything other than the Doctor's mouth. Oh, hello, shiver. I was just beginning to miss you. "Well, actually, things are going fairly we-- Do you hear that?" she said, turning her head to the left. Of course I heard it. It was an impossible sound, one that was brought either or fear to those who heard it anywhere in the universe. There was no way we could be hearing it, but there it was: the screeching of a TARIDS's materialization matrix clashing with its brakes. Only one Time Charger would be landing like that, and he was already here. VWORP VWORP VWORP And there it stood, about ten hooves' distance from Celestia's seat, a tall, thin, blue police… box? "What?" we all said, incredulously. Then the door opened, and two ponies stepped out. First out was a grey Pegasus mare, her golden mane and googly eyes catching my eye. She was followed by a brown Earth Pony stallion with a very… pointy brown mane and a Cutie Mark that I didn't even need to look at to know who he had to be. "What?!" we repeated, more incredulously. "So where are we now, Doctor?" the mare asked, clearly not having seen us yet. "Well, I don't know, Derpy," the, Not-Doctor replied, "I'm still new to your universe, so I haven't quite gotten a hold on the different worlds and times yet." "WOT?!" we repeated yet again, still with more incredulity. Real Doctor stood up, cleaned out his teeth, and turned to face the stallion. "Excuse me, Doctor, but who are you?" he asked Not-Doctor. "Oh, sorry, didn't see you there," Not-Doctor said to Real Doctor, "Well, it's nice to meet you, sir. As you said, I am the Doctor, and this is my assistant, Derpy Hooves." "My name's Ditzy Doo, actually," Derpy said. "Well, I like calling her Derpy Hooves. Sounds much better, don't you agree, mister, uh… I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name," Not-Doctor said to Real Doctor. "I am the Doctor," Real Doctor replied, straightening his stupid hat, "And I have never been you. Then again, as impostors go, you are fairly impressive. I mean, you have a companion, a TARDIS, even got the Identification Symbol correct. One major flaw, though: Police Box? Really?" "What's wrong with a Police Box?!" Not-Doctor replied, clearly kinda riled, "What does yours look like, a Police Ball?" "What? Of course not. My TARDIS is disguised as a Police Barn, thank you very much," Real Doctor replied, haughtily. Can't resist feeling superior… same old Doctor. "Police… Barn?" Not Doctor asked, blinking once in confusion, "Police… Barn. Police Barn." "Yes, you tieless impostor, a Police Barn!" Real Doctor shouted at Not-Doctor. For some reason, this made the faker burst out in laughter. I'm talking a full-on fit of uproarious giggling and guffawing. No joke. I think this might have offended Real Doctor, but that's just a guess based on the face he made. "Sorry for interrupting, Doctor, but I guess I was bound to run into you eventually," Not-Doctor said, wiping a tear from his eye. "Oh?" Real Doctor asked, raising an eyebrow, "What do you mean?" "Well, I crashed into your universe from mine a few weeks back. Well, relatively speaking," Not-Doctor said, rubbing the back of his head with a forehoof. "Sounds unlikely, but I'll play along. Do go on, Doctor," Real Doctor said, raising an eyebrow. "Well, as I told Miss Hooves here, I was going past the Medusa Cascade when I… well, I may have gotten bored and decided to screw around with the controls," Not-Doctor said, clearly a bit embarrassed at telling this to another Time Charger, "Which resulted in me crashing in Ponyville, around… uh, Derpy, what year are you from, again?" he asked his wall-eyed companion. "I'm from 1002, Doctor," Derpy said, chuckling a little at her pseudo-Doctor's question. "Right, that," Not-Doctor said, "Sorry, I haven't really had a chance to get a firm grasp on your calendar system just yet." "Really" Real Doctor asked, softening his glare only a little bit, "Then what's my name?" The question brought a gasp from everypony. Well, everypony except Real Doctor and Derpy. Real Doctor because he was the one who asked it, and Derpy just looked confused. But then, that might have just been her eyes. "Doctor, what does he mean?" she asked Not-Doctor, "You told me your name was 'The Doctor', why would he ask what your name was?" Of course, that was just strange. There's not a pony who meets the Doctor and doesn't what his name is. The thought that she simply believed his name was The Doctor was amazing. It seems she lived up to her name. "Well, Derpy, that's kind of a long story, so I'd rather not explain," Not-Doctor said, looking both exasperated and amused at his assistant's question, "Doctor, you know as well as I that I can't go around telling people my name, so unless we're getting married..." "Well, you're almost certainly a Time Charger, I'll give you that," Real Doctor said, looking contemplative. "Wait, wait, Time Charger?" Not-Doctor interrupted, "That's what we're called here? Time Chargers?! Makes us sound like something that slowly powers up telephones. You guys definitely got the raw end of that deal." "Oh? And what are you, then, Doctor?" Real Doctor asked with a raised eyebrow. "I, Doctor, am a Time Lord. Bit of a pretentious name, I know, but it fits," Not-Doctor replied. "Doesn't sound like it did much for your egos," Real Doctor said with a grin. "Well, Doctors, this is all very interesting," Celestia said, causing the intruding time-travelers to take note of her for the first time, "But now that we're all clear on who is what, could we get back to dinner? I'm sure our new guests are simply famished." "Why, thank you, Miss Tall Pony," Not-Doctor said with a goofy grin, "I'm glad to see that somebody around here has some manners." Clearly, this was his first time meeting Celestia. His so-called "assistant" seemed to be having trouble picking her jaw back up. I guess these guys were for real, after all. That kinda sucked, since now I'd have to come up with a new name for him. Maybe "The Brown One"? Nah. "Hourglass Butt"? Nope. Buck it, I'll just stick to "Not-Doctor". "Wait," Real Doctor said, looking around the room, "Where's Luna?"