Diaries of a Madman

by whatmustido

Chapter Eighty-Six—Rambunctiously Radical Rave

Three days later, I got a knock on my door. I opened it to find a somewhat tired looking Spike standing there, holding a letter. “What does she want this time?” I sighed, taking the letter.
“What is it with you two?” he asked. “And for that matter, what did Rarity mean when she said she was you?”
“We did a competition thing,” I said, opening the letter. “Rarity and I, I mean. Swapped bodies, pretended to be each other. As for me and Celestia, the same thing that’s going on between you and Doppel. Now let’s see what this says.” I let him inside and kicked the door shut, walking into the living room.
“Doppel here?” Spike asked as I plopped into my arm chair.
“Somewhere, yeah. Have fun.” I wasn’t really paying that much attention to what he was saying, but I also didn’t care.
Ah, Navarone… Such a fun few days we had! Though I think you know all about that. *wink*
“Wait, what? Did she seriously write wink on here?”
Spike was already gone, so Flo answered, “Yes, it looks like it.”
I just shook my head and continued reading. I was wondering if you’d be interested in a nice little cool down session? I know it’s been a few days, but I just can’t stop thinking about it! – Big C.
“Well, it would be a good way to set the record straight, make sure she realizes just who she was fucking.” After checking my neck to make sure I had the necklace with the ring on it, I set off to track down Spike.
He was standing at the entrance to Doppel’s room, the door slightly cracked open. His eyes were watching whatever was happening inside with a strange intensity that I’m glad wasn’t focused at me.
“Need you to send a reply,” I said, taking a second to peek inside the room. Doppel was on one of Eva’s personalities, having a good time.
Spike snorted smoke and turned around, snatching the paper from my hands. He sent it off without even looking at it. I was about to ask if he was okay when I was teleported off.
When I landed, I found that I was on a large bed. That’s all I had time to see before Celestia’s horsey body was on top of me, holding me down with her furry mass. She looked down at me with a smile.
“Before we start, I have something pretty important to tell you,” I said.
“Mmm?” she hummed, her head getting closer to mine.
“The last time you saw me, that wasn’t me.”
She blinked in confusion. “What?”
“Long story short, Rarity and I swapped bodies. Everything you did to this body was done to Rarity, not to me.”
“That’s… You’re joking, right?” The smile on her face transferred to mine.
“Nope. I had to go to some boring fucking statue thing in Detrot. The governor guy there is a total sleazebag, too.”
“So I did… With Rarity?”
“Yep. She was traumatized. It was really funny.”
“…That explains a lot.”
“I’m really surprised you didn’t realize something was wrong. Apparently, she was terrified.”
“Well, I did realize you were acting strangely. But you passed the changeling test. I never once thought that might be the reason!”
“Ah well. So, we gonna fuck or what?”
“I’m afraid not… All the plans I had were for the things that apparently Rarity enjoys. And… Well, I need to have a talk with her now.”
“Heh, sure. A ‘talk’.”
She narrowed her eyes, glaring at me. “I would not do that to somepony like her, not on purpose. I will have a chariot drawn up and we’ll ride back to Ponyville together. That’ll save me the energy of having to teleport you that distance.”
“If you go in that chariot thing, you just know Twilight will be all over you before you even land. Also, get off me; you’re heavy.”
“Are you calling me fat?” she asked, rolling off me and onto the floor, catching herself before her body hit the ground.
“I’m not saying you’re fat… but you’re fat.” I was trying to sit up, but that became hard when I caught a wing to the face. It knocked me back and I coughed, a feather in my mouth.
“Hm? Oh, sorry. Just stretching. Since we can’t use the chariot, we’ll just fly.”
“Stretching, my ass,” I muttered, picking myself back off the bed.
“Well, I was going to,” she mused, rolling her withers. “Rarity quite enjoyed that. Let me tell you, I was really surprised, not that I was complaining.”
“I don’t even want to know. You ready to go?”
“Yes. It’s been quite a while since I’ve had such a flight. Do you want to make a game of it?”
“No. Let’s go.”
“Oh, you’re no fun. Are you really so afraid of losing that you won’t even try?”
“Is it a crime to want to enjoy a nice flight? Or to spend some time with you? Christ, if you want to go fast, we can just teleport there.”
“If you’re afraid of losing, you can just say so. I won’t judge you.”
“That’s nice. We going or what?” I was starting to get annoyed.
She smirked at me. “You’re starting to get annoyed, I think. Did I strike a nerve?”
“Bitch, I’m about to strike a nerve if you don’t leave me be. Just for that…” I hopped off the bed and used my wings to propel me onto her back. “I’m riding you into Ponyville.”
“I think we both know how well things went for you the last time you tried this.”
“Yeah, but that was in your dreams. I bet you’d love to be broken in and treated like my personal horse, wouldn’t you? All the little ponies watching their big princess get dominated and ridden like a common animal, brought low by the big, predatory human.” I leaned down and gently bit the back of her neck with my canines. To my surprise, she actually moaned and arched her neck backwards. “Wait, you actually get off to—”
Her horn lit up and tossed me onto the bed. “Rarity can wait,” she huskily whispered, turning to me. “Make me your animal!”
Welp.
 
The next day, I realized why riding horses bareback is a bad idea. Totally worth it, all things told, but Christ.
Also, I had a pair of visitors. “…Who are you?” I asked, looking down at the changeling on my doorstop.
“Oh right, sorry,” she answered, turning into Bon-Bon. “Lyra, stop messing with his flowers!”
The named pony walked into my view, looking at Bonnie. “Hey, he has some really pretty ones!” Then she looked over to me. “Hiya, Nav! You ready to fuck?”
I think Bonnie and I were both taken aback by that. “Do you really have to be so… up front about it?” Bon-Bon sighed, a hint of a blush on her face.
“Why sugarcoat it?” she asked, shrugging. “He knows why we’re here.”
“Actually, I have a confession of sorts to make,” I said. “That wasn’t me who agreed to it.”
“What do you mean, it wasn’t you?” Bon-Bon asked. “I know it wasn’t a changeling, because I was there. When Lyra asked. At the top of her lungs.” She turned to glare at her partner. “In the middle of the market.” She looked back to me. “I would have known if you were a changeling.”
“Long story short, there’s a spell out there that allows two people to swap bodies. Rarity and I swapped bodies that day as part of a bet. She thinks I’m a total slut and will fuck anything that moves.”
“Well… aren’t you?” Lyra asked.
“That’s beside the point. I do have some rules. One of those is that I don’t do anything with married or dating couples. It’s an honor thing.”
Bon-Bon seemed to let out a sigh of relief, but Lyra looked almost disappointed. “How else can we ever repay you?” she asked, honestly sounding distraught.
“By living together happily. And I might need to ask a favor later, but I’ll leave that for if I do end up needing it.”
Bonnie smiled. “I won’t say I’m disappointed, that’s for sure. One is more than enough for me. Two? Celestia, I don’t think I could handle two of you. I—we—do have some… other questions for you, though. Do you think you could help us?”
“Depends. What are the questions about?”
“Adoption.”
“Come on in,” I sighed, backing away from the entryway. “I’ll answer what I can.” The two of them stepped inside and I pushed the door closed behind them, then led the way to the living room. “Make yourselves comfortable. You two want anything?”
Lyra opened her mouth, but Bon-Bon cut her off with, “We’re fine,” as she sat on the couch. Lyra looked somewhat disappointed, but joined her lover on the couch. I sat down in my chair, happy that none of them could fit easily in it.
“Well, what do you want to know?”
“First, how did you go about adopting Taya?” Bonnie asked.
“My method was rather… different, I imagine, than how most would go about it. I found her in Egypt and brought her here. Celestia gave her the choice of staying with me or going to the orphanage. She stayed with me and that was that. If you wanted to adopt, though, you’d probably want to go to Canterlot and find Celestia’s orphanage.”
“How did Taya take to it?”
“Very well. It was by her request that she came with me, after all. I imagine you’d have to spend some time with whoever you wanted to adopt to see if you can get along. You’d be better off not adopting at all—maybe finding a sperm donor—if you can’t find anyone at the agency you can get along with.”
“That was the original plan,” Lyra said with a shrug.
“But we figured we could help somepony,” Bon-Bon added. “Besides, it might be easier to explain to somepony older why I’m so different.”
“Whatever works for you. I wouldn’t be surprised if there aren’t many kids there, though; I don’t think Equestria breeds many orphans.”
“Probably not, but we’ll try,” Bon-Bon said. “Have you had any big… problems with Taya? That would stem from her adoption, I mean.”
“From that, no, but I believe Taya is very different in that matter. You might get some resentment if you adopt. Might, might not. It really depends on the kid. However… Well, the big part of adoption is that at some point, the kids being adopted were abandoned. Be it through death, injury, disaster, or just purposeful abandonment, they were left behind. It took me a while to get Taya to open up about it and I only even tried when I knew she was comfortable. So if you adopt one of these kids, you better make absolutely sure that you give no indication that you’d abandon them or return them.”
“We’ll remember that,” Bon-Bon said, nodding. “Would it be a good idea to try to get them to open up about it?”
“Yes. Don’t push them and wait until you think they’re ready. I know I was depressed as all hell when… Well, never mind. Basically, just wait until they’re ready. You’ll probably know when.”
“When were you depressed?” Lyra asked.
“Let’s just say that Taya isn’t the only one that’s an orphan. Except instead of just my parents, my entire race is dead. Not important. Any other questions?” The two of them shared what seemed like a shocked look. I rolled my eyes. “Yes, I’m fine. Yes, I said that callously. It happened and that’s the end of it. I’m over it. And don’t ask. Now, questions about the adoption thing?”
They shared another look and shrugged before turning back to me. “How much does it cost to cover her food?”
“Not much, but I don’t really pay attention to that. I usually send Doppel to get groceries. Since I don’t eat much and Doppel and Eva feed off me, groceries are cheap. It would probably cost more to get them toys and a place to sleep and all that fun stuff. But whatever the cost, I assure you that it’s well worth it.”
“What about school?”
“Yeah… I fucked up there. I didn’t put her in school, thinking the magic education she was getting was good enough. Definitely put your kid there. You’d have to talk to Cheerilee to get the information about it. I can’t really help you with bullies. Taya solved that problem for herself.”
“Hm… Is there anything else you’d like to tell us?”
“One thing I learned myself about parenting, though I don’t know if it’s unique to Taya or what. If you treat your kid like an equal, he’ll strive to earn that respect. Don’t just tell him something is wrong. Explain why it’s wrong, if you can. Treat them like they’re smart, not like you think they’re retarded. Of course, this does bring a few problems when you have to remind him who’s boss, but it’s usually worth it. And you might… Well, you might get some hate from other ponies, adults. Bon-Bon, you’re a changeling. I’ve already heard a few whispers that you’re just using Lyra for food. Imagine what those rumors would turn into if you adopted. I don’t know if you’ll actually find any trouble, but you should expect it.”
“I’m aware,” she sighed, looking down. Her eyes actually flickered to their real color for a second. “But Lyra and I want to try anyway. As long as the pony we adopt accepts me, I don’t care what anypony else thinks.”
I shrugged. “Can’t fault your spirit. Any other questions?”
Lyra said, “Sooooo… No threesome?”
“I’m afraid not,” I answered. “Sorry.”
She sighed. “It’s alright… But you,” she said, looking at Bon-Bon, “are going to have to use hands tonight.”
Bonnie sighed. “Yes, dear…” She looked over to me and mouthed, “Help me.”
“Hm… I’m not really interested, but Doppel might be. If you really want to try a threesome, ask her. Just think, Lyra: You can have two Bon-Bons to play with.”
Lyra’s eyes widened and she turned to Bon-Bon with a big smile. “Absolutely not,” Bonnie flatly said. “I will not have anypony else feeding off you.”
“Aww… Well, I guess we can find somepony at the Clam Jousting Club.”
“Hmph. Well Nav, I think that’s everything we need. We’ll go ahead and get out of your mane.”
“Alright. You have any more questions, I’ll be happy to help.”
 
My next visitor, a few days later, was an upset Rarity. When I opened the door, she thrust a piece of paper in my face. “And just what is this about?” she demanded as I took the letter in my hands.
“Let’s see… ‘Ah, Mistress Rarity! What a delightful experience our meeting was! Oh, but I long for your touch again, your commanding words and attitude… By the darkness, I wish you had taken me! At the time, I was too nervous, but now… Now, I want you. I need you. Come back to Detrot and make me your slave of love! Lustfully yours, Intelligentsia.’” I looked up to find her practically fuming. “Yeah, about that…”
“What. Did. You. Do?”
“Alright, in Detrot, the governor tried to rape me in your body. I threw a pitcher of water at him then electrocuted him. The arc lightning hit his bodyguard, who was a changeling of the intelligentsia class who was there to spy on him. Since the governor was dead and I didn’t want questions to be asked, I forced the changeling to take his spot. It turns out that he had a fetish for getting ordered around by a strong woman. I told him to fuck off. Looks like he didn’t take the advice to heart.”
“There are a lot of problems with almost everything you just said. First, the governor tried to rape me?”
“Yeah. Said he had a lot of dirt on you and that if I wanted it kept quiet, I’d play along. I didn’t, so he ordered the changeling to hold me down.”
“…I see. Do the others know?”
“Nope.”
“And then you… murdered him?”
“Self-defense, actually. It wasn’t in cold blood.”
“I don’t know what that means. What’s an intelligentsia?”
“The highest ranking changelings that aren’t royalty. They’re the smartest ones.”
“And now there’s a changeling ruling Detrot?”
“Yep. He’ll only be there for another three weeks before he’s supposed to go back to his hive. You should respond to him before he leaves so he doesn’t show up here.”
“I don’t want to respond to this filth! What if it just encourages him?!”
“Threaten to have him arrested if he shows up here. Tell him upfront that you want nothing to do with him. Although I don’t see what the problem is. You don’t even know the guy. And hell, you seem like the kind of girl that would be into femdom.”
“And what is that supposed to mean?”
“You’re a dominating, conniving cunt that likes to be in control.” Her eyes bulged out and her mouth dropped. “Anyway, have fun with your admirer. I’m sure you’ll figure something out.” Before she could say anything else, I used both hands to slam the letter down on her horn and then closed the door in her face. After a second of thought, I gently turned the lock and walked away.

The next thing of interest happened a week later. It was just a letter from Gilda, though. The fun one, not the royal one.
‘Yo Nav, if you’re still going on that trip thing, count me in. I’m getting really bored in this place and I keep getting proposals from a bunch of ugly old dweebs. When we leaving? – Gilda, OG.’
Christ, her handwriting is awful. I wrote out a quick response, telling her when I was planning on sending the airship to Europe. I was going to teleport there with Spike, Celestia, and whoever she was bringing. The airship would go before we left, hopefully getting there when I did. The goal is to keep everyone from learning that I’m leaving, or at the very least, keep how I’m leaving quiet.
Here’s hoping it works.

My last visitor before the shit hit the fan was a somewhat familiar face. He also interrupted a very important dream session by dragging my consciousness out of the inky void that is the dreamscape.
I shot upright, clutching at my throat and gasping, feeling my skin turn icy-cold. My bloodshot eyes met those of my assailant, a concerned looking night guard unicorn.
“What’s wrong, sir?” Watcher immediately asked, putting a hoof on my shoulder.
“Never. Wake. Me. Up,” I hissed, the feeling of getting forced out of the dream zone finally subsiding.
He blinked in confusion a few times before the realization struck him. “You’re helping the princess with dreams, aren’t you? She forbids us from waking her when she’s in that state.”
“I was. Now I know why she forbids it. Christ!” I shivered and ruffled my wings, trying to shake off the goose bumps. “The fuck do you even want?”
“To report a few things. How awake do you feel?”
“About as awake as you’d feel after having a gallon of ice water poured on you.”
“Neither of the princesses seem concerned about Discord’s probable return. Both of them mentioned the elements of harmony. I don’t know if they’re hiding their concern to keep morale up or if they truly don’t believe it’s a problem.”
“Is it?”
“…All signs that I see point to yes. I got access to a prisoner that worked with assassins some months ago, the ones that tried to attack Cadance and her foal. He’s a madpony now, with no filter of any kind on him. He spoke of a mix and matched monster that haunts his memory. That’s all I could get from him before he broke down. And I was part of a team that assaulted a monastery on the other side of the planet. By the time we got there, only a few survivors remained. Each was stark raving mad and close to death. One spoke of a unicorn with a destroyed but active horn. Two wailed about a creature of legend and madness come to spread chaos to their minds. One old pony just rocked back and forth, muttering about seeing forever. I heard he withered away in prison. The only coherent thing we got out of him was a single word… Anonymous, whatever that means.”
That hit me like a brick. “Anonymous?” I whispered, blinking. “How would he know that name?”
“That’s a name?” Watcher asked. “Who is it? That could help with our investigation!”
“It’s… a human thing. I just can’t imagine how a pony could have known about it… But yes, all of this definitely points to something. Something big. Did you show the first prisoner pictures of the statue?”
“I did. That’s what made him break down. He did say one thing before I was forced to leave, though. Empty. That’s all he said. I believe he was referring to the statue. When he said that, I remembered what you told me about it being hollow and went to check on it for myself. There’s nothing in there. I’m positive he’s free.”
“So what do we do? If the princesses didn’t believe you or Reginald, they won’t believe me. And what can we do against something like him?”
“Us, nothing. And you’re right, they wouldn’t believe you… Which is what led me to a conclusion. You, Sir Navarone, are hiding something. Something that might give us an edge, I believe. I won’t pry, though Celestia knows I could. No, I decided, and my troops decided with me. We’re going with you, if the offer still stands.”
I felt a smile coming to my face. “It does. It’s… good to have you and your hardened troops aboard. Before we leave, though, you’ll all have to muster out of the guard. I don’t want any old allegiances pulling anyone behind.”
“I have nothing but veterans. We’re all due for retirement. And if we come back wanting to rejoin, I believe Celestia will allow it.”
“Excellent. Make the arrangements. Let me write out the information you’ll need…” As I rolled out of bed, I felt a growing sense of elation. Sure, an old eldritch horror was probably running free and seemed to want to finish the extinction he started millennia ago, but everything else was looking up. I had my griffin and I had a battle-hardened group of soldiers with me. I was starting to feel more confident about the coming trip.

Okay, not quite the last thing… A few days after that, I received a reminder in the mail about a party I was forced to go to, Luna’s so-called ‘Rambunctiously Radical Rave.’ I swear to God, these damn horses need to get better PR departments or something. These names are awful.
Either way, I got the official ‘invitation,’ which for some reason implied that I had a choice in the matter. It did not come with any secondary invitations for a date. I decided to show up with one anyway, because it’s not like the guards would stop me and pissing Luna off is always fun.
Picking who to take was the hard part. I mean, it was already narrowed down to Pinkie and Rainbow Dash, but I didn’t know which of those would enjoy it more. In the end, I flipped a coin and decided mid-flip that fuck Pinkie, I was taking Dash. After all, she’s less annoying and wouldn’t annoy me all night.
…It never occurred to me to take Doppel or Eva, strangely enough. Which, as it turned out, was a good thing.
Now, hunting down Rainbow Dash is a pain in the ass. Always has been. When she’s not napping in the weirdest places, she’s flying around at the speed of sound. Well, usually slower than that, but she does randomly break the sound barrier for the fun of it. Probably the easiest way to find her is to ask Pinkie, I’ve found. Unfortunately, that means talking to Pinkie.
…And also finding Pinkie. When I looked in Sugarcube Corner, Mrs. Cake was behind the counter. “Do you happen to know where Pinkie is?” I asked, already dreading the coming search.
“I believe she said that she was going to ‘hang out’ with Rainbow Dash today,” she answered with a helpful smile.
God fucking dammit. “She didn’t happen to say where they were going, did she?”
“I’m afraid not. You know how she is.”
“Unfortunately, I do. Very well, then, let the hunt begin.” Hunting Pinkie Pie truly is the most dangerous game, assuming you consider getting snuck up on and spooked dangerous.
The closest of her main friends’ houses was Twilight’s library, so that’s where I went first. I was expecting Twilight to be there with Taya, but instead all I found was a bored dragon lounging on a beanbag and reading a geography book.
He looked up when I walked in. “Dude, can we talk?” he asked, tossing the book aside.
“Sure. What’s the subject?”
“Doppel. What’s up with her, man? I thought we had something going!”
Oooh boy. “Alright, there are several kinds of women in the world. Doppel is what we know as a complete and total slut. That means most or all she wants out of any kind of relationship is sex. I thought you knew that.”
“I did! But then I saw her with that other changeling…”
“Maybe you’re not understanding me. All she wants out of all of her relationships is sex. Not just with you. From what I’ve heard, she’s the town bicycle at this point. I think all the unattached stallions have fucked her and so have about half the mares. I forbade her from going after anyone too young or in a relationship, or her collection would be larger. Doppel doesn’t form single relationships, or at least, she hasn’t done it yet. She is a nymphomaniac, physically and mentally addicted to sex. That’s all there really is to it.”
He sat there in silence for a few seconds before sighing and looking away. “I don’t understand mares, Nav.”
“Bitches be trippin’, man. There’s one out there for you.”
He snorted. “Yeah, if I keep looking.” He looked back to me. “After Rarity and Doppel, I don’t know if I want to.”
“You’ve got a long life to live. Don’t swear off relationships based on two bad experiences. Besides, Doppel wasn’t even a bad experience. Just not what you expected.”
“I never said I would swear off relationships. Just off mares.”
“…If you go gay, I won’t promise to wingman for you. And you know that would just prove Rarity right. No one wants that to happen.”
“Ah, you’re right… I’ll think it over. What was it you always said about stuff like that? ‘Give it time?’ I guess that’s what I’ll do. Besides, how would guys even have sex? That seems like it would hurt…”
“Eh, they don’t mind as long as you’re gentle and use plenty of lube. Ask Doppel to let you try anal next time you see her.”
“Nah. I think I’m done with her for a while. That was fun, but I’m not certain I want to deal with her again. Besides, what if I walk in on her again?”
“Just go over and join the fun. I bet she wouldn’t mind a threesome.”
“That’s… Huh. So more than one can… Hmm.”
“Yeah. Now before you ever ask a girl that, know that some will find it insulting that you even asked them. And a lot of guys don’t like the idea, either.”
“Have you ever had one?”
“Yeah, but both times I did it, there were two girls. And then there was that orgy when I was drugged, but you were there for that one.”
“I… forgot about that, actually. That night was a haze.”
“I still don’t remember any of it. Anyway, do you know where Pinkie or Rainbow Dash is?”
“Nope.”
“Do you think Twilight would know?”
“I doubt it. She was taking Taya down to one of the lakes to do something with water and magic.”
“Damn. Maybe I should just wait until tonight and break into her dreams…”
“Dude, what? Break into somepony’s dream?”
“Yeah. Being Luna’s knight has some interesting perks. Being able to do weird shit with dreams is one of them.”
“Can you get into mine?”
“Nope. I can only get into pony dreams. If you were attuned to the device thing, I could possibly get into yours.”
“Aww… Oh well.”
“You’re not missing much. Mostly I just fuck with people and give nightmares to those I don’t like or want to scare. I occasionally also bust bad dreams. Gives me something to do. Anyway, I need to go find Dash.”
“Good luck.” I turned to go, but stopped when he said, “Just a sec… Are you sure Doppel wouldn’t mind a threesome?”
“She probably wouldn’t. You can’t know until you ask, though.”
“…Would you?”
“I’ll think about it. See you later, Spike.” I quickly let myself out before he could say anything else. Christ, that’s awkward as hell.
“Could be worse,” Flo said. “At least he’s asking for a threesome with a girl instead of a guy. Or just, you know, to have sex with you.”
True. Still, it’s odd. And I’m not certain I should go for it.
“You really shouldn’t, but it’s been over a week since you last had sex. Just because you aren’t addicted anymore doesn’t mean you can’t at least have some fun. I know how much you normal races enjoy it.”
That isn’t the point and you know it. Should I really do something like that with a good friend of mine? I don’t know if I should risk that kind of awkwardness.
“I don’t think he’d hold it against you if you didn’t. But it would be a new experience, to spitroast someone.”
That you even know that word is strange. Using it is even stranger.
“I’m not a goddess of decorum, Nav. I can let my figurative hair down. Speaking of which, you never did let me try sex in your body…”
Fine. You can play with Doppel tonight, if she’s up for it. No gender stones, though, at least not tonight.
“Something to look forward to, I suppose. I’ll try to mimic you.”
Not like I’ll be watching.
While that internal dialogue was going on, I was walking through Ponyville, trying to find any sign of either the prismatic lesbian or the pink menace. I couldn’t see hide nor tail of either of them, which really wasn’t all that surprising. Ponyville wasn’t a large place, but it was still easy enough to miss someone if you didn’t know where they were.
I finally found Pinkie in front of Rose’s house, seemingly directing Rainbow Dash as she maneuvered an unpleasant looking cloud into position near the door. I was tempted to stand back and watch, but I had a feeling that the two of them would fucking bail as soon as they finished whatever prank they were doing. With that in mind, I walked up to Pinkie. “Can I borrow Dash for a sec?” I asked.
“Does it have to be now?” Pinkie replied.
 “No, but it took me a while to track you two down and I really don’t want to have to do it again. I just want to ask her something.”
“Silly Navi, she’s a lesbian! She’ll probably answer no.”
“I don’t even… Dash! Get down here for a sec! Also, don’t call me that.”
Rainbow flinched when she heard me calling for her, but when she realized it was just me she didn’t waste any time joining us on the ground. “What do you need, Nav?”
“What do you think of rave parties?”
“They’re alright, I guess. Why?”
“Luna’s hosting one. I figured you’d enjoy it. Want to go?”
As I was expecting from asking that question in front of Pinkie, she was suddenly all up in my face. “Oooh, oooh, can I go?”
“No. Dash?”
“Could be fun, I guess. When is it?”
“Why can’t I go?” Pinkie whined.
“Because I can probably only get one other person in. It’s in three days, at night. The invitation said not to dress up.”
“Alright, I’m in. Although if Pinkie really wants to go…”
“Aren’t you Princess Luna’s knight, Nav?” Pinkie asked. “Can’t you get anypony in?”
“I’m not gonna push my luck. Come by my house before the sun goes down in three days, Dash. We’ll fly over there.”
“Alright, see you then. Hey, you want to watch something funny?”
I had a suspicion of what they were planning to do and I really didn’t want to watch that. Scaring Rose is funny and all, but it’s too easy to do. “I’ll pass. See you both when I see you. And Pinkie, if you get a chance, pay Spike a visit. He seems pretty down.” As evil as it seems to unleash Pinkie upon someone, I knew she could probably make him smile somehow. She’s good at that.
“I’ll be sure to pay him a visit! After we finish up here, of course…” Dash took off again and went back to the cloud. I just shook my head and walked off, heading back towards my not so humble home.
That night, Flo got to pop her figurative cherry in my body. It was... surprisingly erotic. Actually being able to see Doppel’s reactions from a detached perspective was amazing and well worth the awkwardness I went through.

The day of the party was bitingly cold and snowy. Not at all something either Rainbow Dash or I wanted to fly in, though she pretended she was okay with it. Thankfully, she arranged for a path to be left in the clouds for us to fly out. It would still be bitingly cold, but it wouldn’t be snowy. All I had to do was follow the damn pony.
“You better go slow, Dash,” I said, putting on a heavy coat. The wing slits in the back slid closed over the protrusions. “If I lose you, I’m going up to break the cloud cover.”
“That would be a bad idea. You should know that by now, Nav. If you try going above the clouds, you might get lost up there.”
“There’s a simple solution, then,” I replied, smiling. “Fly slowly.”
“Ugh. Fine. But if we freeze to death on the way because you took too long, it’ll be your fault.”
“I’ll keep that in mind. Next time we can just go by train.”
Rainbow Dash snorted. “That slow thing? Yeah right. Now let’s go.”
My feathers ruffled as I pulled my custom goggles over my face. “Lead the way. Following behind your flickering tail is always fun.”
She smacked me with it, giving me a mock glare. “That was a one-time deal, Nav.”
“Hey, I have gender changing stones… And you did seem to enjoy human chicks.”
“Hmm… We need to go. Let’s get out of here, Nav.”
I nodded to the door. “Lead the way.” She nodded and out we both went, into the cold pre-night gloom. “Christ, I hate winter,” I sighed, rubbing my arms.
“Stop being such a baby.” I pulled the door closed, grumbling. When I turned back, she was already in the air. “Let’s go.”
I hopped into the air and began following behind her. Thankfully, she was going slow enough for me to easily keep up. Not so thankfully, her tail was keeping her well covered. But I’ve seen all she had to offer before, so it’s not like I was really missing anything. On we flew, the clouds hiding the setting sun from our view and casting a premature night over our semi-clear path through the snow.
It took us about ten minutes to get out of the clouds and into the hills approaching the city of Canterlot. When we did, I was able to pull up next to Dash. “Haven’t seen you in town much,” she yelled over the wind.
“Haven’t been in town much,” I called back.
“You should spend more time there! Ponies miss you, Nav. We don’t get to hang out that much anymore and everyone else wouldn’t mind seeing you more often. Hero like you shouldn’t be spending all your time locked inside.”
“Hmph. Why you saying everyone? I thought you damn ponies said shit like everypony.”
“That human guy we talked to in the bunker was right, Nav: Saying things like everypony and anypony… It’s wrong. It excludes everyone else, you know? And I got to thinking about it. Gilda always did give me a look when I said something like that around her.” After a few seconds of silence, she continued, “I just wish some of the other ponies agreed.”
“Most of the ponies in Ponyville don’t see many other races aside from ponies, at least not commonly. They don’t change because there’s no reason to change. Racism is all well and good when there aren’t any other races around. Keeps people united.”
“That… that isn’t right! What about Bon-Bon? Or Spike? Or hay, you?”
“What about us? Until recently, Bon-Bon was just as much a pony as anyone else there. Same for Spike, even if he was more obviously different. And me, I’ve proven my worth. I was treated like an outsider when I got here, but when I proved that I was one of the good ones, someone like Spike, they warmed up to me. All three of us are as good as ponies, now. Same small-town racism and elitism you’d find anywhere else. If I didn’t have you, Twilight, and all your friends backing me up when I got here, how long do you think I would have lasted before I got run out of town?”
She didn’t answer.
“That’s the way things are in towns like that, Dash,” I said. “Remember that minotaur that came by a few years ago? To put on a show? I heard people talking about it. No one went there for his lessons. They all went there to see a freak, to see something that doesn’t belong with them. Something unusual. So yeah. Keep saying everyone and things like that, but don’t expect most people in Ponyville to back you up on it.”
“We should be better than that, Nav!” she shouted, finally turning her head to look at me. “Friendship should be above things like that!”
“Oh believe me, it is. Funny thing about friendship, though: You have to be willing to give it time. I was, with Ponyville. But it took Ponyville a long time to be willing to give me time.”
“Friendliness, then! We should be able to do that! It’s the bucking Equestrian motto!”
“Should and would don’t mean shit, Dash. You have to do. You think your people should be above that? Tell them, not me. Nothing puts a fire under someone’s ass like being shamed. Anyway, we’re there. You see a good place to land?”
“This isn’t over,” she promised, looking back down to the ground. “Follow me in.” I didn’t pay any attention to what she was doing. Landing is easy, after all. I just wanted her to shut up because we were getting into some uncomfortable topics. “So where are we supposed to go now?” she asked when we were on the front lawn of the palace.
“Invite doesn’t say. I figure the guards’ll know. They should be changing shifts about now, I’d think.”
“You sure you want to mess with the guards? They never do anything!”
“The night guards are much cooler than the day guards. And since I’m a commanding officer, they’re obligated to answer my questions anyway.”
“Unless they’re me,” a new female voice calmly said, making Dash jump. We both turned to see Midnight Blossom, commander of the night guard, standing behind us.
“Where did you come from?” I asked.
“Around. Princess Luna asked me to make sure her guests were safe tonight. I just got on scene.”
“Cool. You going to be joining us at the party? Wouldn’t mind seeing you dancing.”
She snorted. “No. Most of my troops and I will be guarding. There will be a few guards at the party itself, but not many.”
“…Alright. Can you tell us where the main area is? I figure I should let Luna know I’m here.”
“I’ll walk you there. I need to report in myself.”
“Even better. Lead the way. Oh, and this is Rainbow Dash. Dash, this is Captain Midnight, head of the night guard.”
Dash held out a hoof. “Nice to meet you!”
Blossom looked at it for a second before shaking it. “Likewise. Friends of Sir Navarone are welcome. Now come. The party starts soon and stragglers will have a difficult time getting in.” She pushed in front of us, leading us to the palace. Dash and I began following her.
After a few seconds of walking, Dash asked, “So uh… Midnight, what’s with the fangs?”
“They scare criminals and opponents.”
“Are they… you know, real?”
“Very. Why, Miss Dash?” she asked, turning her head to look at Dash.
“N-no reason…”
“So you say,” Blossom faintly whispered, turning back to face forward. “Sir Navarone, I have heard interesting things these past few months about you. Watcher is leaving the guard. Some say he’s leaving them to sign on with you.”
“That’s interesting to hear,” I diplomatically answered.
“A certain princess will be quite livid, if that is the case. After all, the servants of her servant should be loyal to her as well. Why would they need to leave her service explicitly if they are just going to serve you?”
“That would be a very interesting question, if it was true.”
“Watcher and his troops will be missed. Take care of them, Nav. I can’t imagine what use you might have for them, but take care of them.”
I didn’t answer. Dash did, though. “What’s she talking about, Nav? Why would you hire soldiers?”
Ugh. “Don’t you worry about a thing, skittles. And who ever said I hired them?”
“Well, she said—”
“That there was a rumor they signed on with me. A rumor, nothing more.”
“So you didn’t hire them?”
“Nope.” No one ever said anything about paying, after all. It isn’t hiring if you don’t pay.
…I should probably talk to Watcher about that. If they were expecting a salary, I’d need to be ready for it.
“Then what was she talking about, take care of them?”
“Watcher’s a friend of mine. If he doesn’t have a job lined up after he leaves the guard, I might have to help take care of him. What did you think she meant?”
“…I dunno. I just thought… Well, whatever.”
“Navarone, never go into politics,” Blossom said. “You would tear Canterlot apart.”
“I know we don’t always get along, but you don’t have to insult me so rudely,” I said in mock pain. “Politics is beneath me. I am merely an everyman, trying to survive by whatever means I can.”
“Don’t even try to pull that lie. At ease, troopers.” We were finally passing into the entrance of the palace. The two guards saluted as we passed by and dropped it at her command. “I know plenty about you, Navarone. More than enough to say you’re exceptional by pony standards. Human standards, I can’t say.”
“Exceptional, eh? If you’re finally interested, I can skip out on the party and join you instead. I’m sure we can find a nice secluded spot…”
“No. The princess wants—blood, she needs you—at the party tonight.” Never heard that expletive before. “She’d stake me up to dry if I let you skip this thing.”
I sighed. “Ah well. You sure I can’t sneak out once it starts?”
“You don’t know what kind of party this is, do you?”
“Some kind of stupid rave, isn’t it? I don’t like those newfangled things. I’m only here because Luna’s forcing me. And Dash is only here because I figured I could use her to piss Luna off for a few seconds.”
“Hey, what?”
Blossom snorted. “Foolish. But it’s done. As for the party… Well, I have a feeling that you’ll be surprised. Princess Luna and some DJ called Vinyl Scratch prepared very well for this event. Everyone that’s involved will definitely remember it for some time.”
“Blossom, are you ever excited for anything?” I asked. “I swear, your voice is as dead as mine.”
“A long career in a job like mine doesn’t leave much room for excitement,” she answered just as drily as everything else had been.
“True enough. Where the hell is Luna, anyway?”
“The assembly hall. You two are early, as you should be. I’m surprised that the princess hasn’t yet told you what’s going to happen.”
Personally, I didn’t really care. Dash did, though. “So what is going to happen?”
I could see the sides of Blossom’s face perk up in a mirthless grin. “Why, you’re going to take a little nap.”
Now, of course I know what she was talking about, but Dash had no clue. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’ll see,” I told her. “This party just got interesting. And I guess that explains why Luna would need me.”
“That’s one reason, yes. Moral support is another. She hasn’t done anything like this since… before. And even then, it had been several years since she bothered. She wants to know she has someone she can count on next to her.”
“Then it’s a good thing I brought Dash here. If you can’t depend on the element of loyalty, who can you trust?”
Dash sighed. “She meant you, dude.”
Neither I nor Blossom pointed out the obvious.
When we finally got to the large gathering hall, we found several off-duty night guards talking in small groups. A few early guests mingled as well. There was a small refreshment table set up for early comers. I saw Luna standing next to a large covered object on the stage of the meeting hall, nervously shifting her position. Two guards flanked her. Vinyl Scratch stood in one of the groups of early visitors, talking.
Luna’s eyes seemed to light up when she saw us and her nervousness vanished. She did seem somewhat put off by Rainbow Dash, but it wasn’t as bad as I was hoping. Either way, she didn’t move as the three of us walked over to her.
Midnight saluted when we were closer. “Reporting, Princess.”
“I see that, Captain. Everypony is in position, I assume?”
The salute dropped. “Yes, Princess. No signs of trouble on the way in. Permission to observe from the shadows?”
“Do what you do best, Captain. Everything should begin on schedule, at this rate.”
Blossom saluted again for a short second before walking between me and Dash, going back the way we came without a word.
“So why are you up here instead of out there?” I asked before Luna could say anything, nodding toward the small crowd.
“That would be… improper,” she hesitantly answered.
“It might have been a thousand years ago. Now you just seem like a dick. You should be out there, socializing.”
“…Perhaps. Navarone, why is Loyalty here with you?”
“It’s Rainbow Dash, Princess,” Dash said before I could answer. “Fastest flier in Equestria!”
Neither of us even spared her a glance. “She likes rave parties. I figured I could bring her by. I assumed you wouldn’t mind.”
“I see,” Luna answered, her tone icy. “Rainbow Dash, please help yourself to the small pre-party hospitalities. I need to speak with my knight.”
“Uh, alright,” Dash somewhat nervously said. “See you later, Nav.” With that, she jumped up and hovered off.
Flo whispered, “Eggshells, Nav. Be careful.”
I grinned, feeling in my element. “What do you need, Luna?”
“You realize that your invitation didn’t include a guest, right?”
“I don’t see what it matters if I brought a date.”
Luna finally grinned. “If she was your date, your voice would be a lot higher. Rainbow Dash prefers mares.”
“Damn, I knew I should have brought someone else. Ah well, you caught me. Now what do you need?”
“Right now, I need you to stabilize the dream realm I have set up. They begin to grow weak after so long of not being tended to. Which leads to your final lesson in dream walking: Getting to the dreamscape while awake. It’s the exact same as escaping from a dream. You just have to block out all your waking senses and escape as you would normally.”
“Easy enough. How do I find your little dream realm?”
“Just search for my mind. You should be able to find it like that. You’ll need to go into another room to do it, though. I have no idea what happens if you get caught in a sleep spell when already in the land of dreams.”
“I’ll find a sitting room or something nearby, then. See you when you get there.”
“Very well. Would you care for a guard? It might be prudent to be watched.”
“I wouldn’t say no, but it probably isn’t necessary.”
“Better to be safe than sorry. And I need to get my on duty guards out of here before the spell is cast anyway.” She looked behind her at one of the guards. “Smiles, go with Navarone. Make sure he comes to no harm.”
Christ, why is it always Smiles? “Yes, Princess,” he happily answered.
“Well, come on then,” I sighed, leading the way back to the doors. “How’s life been treating you?”
“Typical guard fare, sir,” he answered. “I did hear a rumor, though… Is it true that Watcher is working for you now?”
“You shouldn’t listen to rumors, Smiles.”
“That doesn’t answer my question, sir.”
“Are you sure about that? I think it did. And I know it’s the only answer you’ll be getting from me.”
“…If it is true, do you need somepony else? Security guard? Bodyguard? Butler? Fluffer?”
“The hell is a fluffer?”
“…Don’t worry about it.”
“Either way, the answer is possibly. I doubt it, though. The naga I have living with me apparently decided it was a good idea to swear himself to me as my sword. He’s all the bodyguard I need. And he scares everyone away, so there’s that. I already have a maid that also functions as concubine. No telling what the future might bring, though. Why? You looking for a new line of work?”
“I… Forget it, sir.”
“Hey, you got a problem with Luna, I’d like to hear it. If it’s about the captain or life in the royal guard, I don’t care. But if it’s with Luna, it’s important.”
“I have a few problems, but I don’t think this is the time or the place to voice them.”
“Fair enough.” We were back in the hallways, at that point. “Which rooms are empty?”
“Most of these should be.” He walked up to one door and rapped on it with his hoof. After several seconds of silence, he broke physics by turning the handle with his hoof. In doing so, he revealed a rather small sitting room. “This alright, sir?”
“Can the sir shit, Smiles. You know me better than that. And yeah, this is fine. Chair’s too tiny, but I can just curl up on the floor.”
“The princess doesn’t usually need to sit or lie down to enter the dreamscape.”
“She also has four legs to balance on. I have half that number. And I’ll probably be there for the duration of the party.” I pulled my jacket off and bundled it up, dropping it on the carpet. Then I kicked my shoes off. “Find a book and get comfortable. You’re in for a long, dull wait.”
He pulled the door shut behind him as I got on the floor, using the jacket as a pillow. Flo, would you kindly send me off?
She did so without a word, casting me into the world of dreams. I quickly searched for Luna’s little world and found it without much effort. “I wonder how she built this?” I mused aloud as I entered the main room. It was a huge room, bigger than the gathering hall. The floor felt like it was made of grass or perhaps loam, but didn’t leave a mess on my feet. Above me, the stars glittered in the sky, casting a pale light down on the seemingly enclosed room. The moon was full and bright, helping the stars illuminate the area. There were no walls, but there were doorways standing out in the darkness. When I looked closer at one, I realized I couldn’t see anything inside of it besides glowing white words that said ‘POOL’. Each of the several doorways was the same.
As I was looking, a shape appeared next to me. “I believe I’ll enjoy this party,” Flo said, taking on the form of a watery pony. “With this many ponies, I can fit in without any suspicions.”
“When they start showing up, sure. Until then, get back in my head. We don’t know what Luna has planned and I don’t want to risk her sending someone else in first.”
“Fair enough. It was more of a warning, anyway. I won’t be paying full attention to you tonight. I think some time off is due.” With that said, she flowed back into me, absorbing into my body.
Just in time, too. “Sup, Nav?” Vinyl Scratch asked, floating down from the sky.
“You. Did Luna send you here to set up the music?”
“Yeah. She just needed you to make sure this place was solid first. And that it stayed solid… Heh, apparently I’m really bad about ruining a place if it’s just me there.”
“Strange, but whatever. You need any help?”
“Nah. Luna showed me how everything here worked. I should be more than ready before everypony gets here. Might even have enough time for me to give you a reward…”
“What for? All I did was show up.”
“For making me the biggest name in music in history! I was already famous, but with the stuff you showed me, I’ve spread out and pretty much remade all kinds of magical music! Dubhoof, magiconica, synthesis… Everything! Everypony else you showed that stuff to is also getting up there in fame, too, but nothing like what I’m doing. And with the weed and the alcohol… I could retire and live as long as the princesses and never go hungry.”
“Well that’s good to hear. Anyway, you should get to work. Don’t want the guests to arrive to a dead party.”
 “Yeah.” She started walking to what seemed to be the middle of the large area. I followed, moving slower. “Hey, you going to the Europe party this year? Heard it’s in Stalliongrad. The Stupendous Stalliongrad Soiree or something like that.”
“Yeah, I’m going. Lookin’ forward to it, too.”
“Same here, though I don’t think I’ll be doing much music this time. And hey, I heard the minotaurs are finally coming back to this one.”
“Well that’s… interesting. I haven’t met many of them.”
“That’s because there aren’t many to meet.” It seemed she got where she wanted to go, because she stopped. After a second, she reared back, lifting her front hooves in the air. As she did so, massive speakers lifted from the floor, pointing in every direction.
“You know, you don’t really need those. In this place, you can make music as easily as thinking about it.” To demonstrate, I started playing a song in my head and projected it outward.
“Yeah, I could do that. But this way, we don’t have to worry about anypony else thinking a song into existence and messing up mine. I’ll be the loudest one out there.”
“Fair enough.” She pulled up some kind of sound board and began fiddling with it.
“These speakers are mostly for show, anyway. For their benefit. In effect, I will be doing what you said. But having these speakers here means that everypony will think the music is coming from them and they won’t even try to interrupt me.”
“Nice. So you’re pretty much set up, then?”
“Yep. I’m gonna see you out on the dance floor, right?”
“Unlikely.”
“What?!”
“I like this music and I have danced to it before, but that’s not really my thing. I’ll be around, but probably not in here that often. Is there going to be an orgy room?”
Vinyl sighed. “I tried, but apparently Celestia wouldn’t allow it. There are private rooms, though, so if you can get enough ponies together in one, you’re free to have an orgy. Just let me know if you do; I’ll be sure to jump in now that you aren’t drugged.”
“I’ll keep that in mind. When’s this party slated to start?”
“Oh, we still have half an hour or so. Plenty of time, I think,” she finished, smirking. Her horn lit up and my pants slid down. After a second of thought, I made her glasses disappear. “Tell me again how beautiful my eyes are,” she whispered, looking up at me as she glided her mouth in for a special kiss.
The first guests began appearing just over half an hour later. Vinyl and I had finished before then, of course. The first dozen guests in were rather confused, looking around the landscape in shock. I figured that might be my cue to actually do something useful.
Standing up on shaky legs, I walked out of the circle of speakers and closer to the growing mass of ponies. “Welcome, all,” I quietly said, using my mind to amplify my voice. “Welcome to Princess Luna’s dream wonderland.”
Vinyl was suddenly beside me. “Hey, everypony! Who’s ready to party?!”
None of the regular ponies, it seemed. Some of them actually looked scared. All of Luna’s off duty guards looked considerably livelier. “Where are we?” one voice from the group of normal ponies asked.
“You’re in a dream,” I answered. “Here, anything is possible. You just have to will it.” As I said that, I held up my hand and encompassed it in flowing water, a ball of the stuff cooling me quickly. When I finished speaking, I clenched my fist, freezing the entire ball of water into ice. There were several gasps when I showed off the power. I quickly let the ball of ice evaporate away, replaced by fire. “No danger, no pain. It’s the perfect night of wonder… Now let’s hear it for our host, Princess Luna!”
I waved my firearm behind me, the flame going out as Princess Luna stepped forward, acknowledging me with a nod. The only reason I knew she was there was because I felt her enter; dream walkers have a certain feel they bring with them to a dream that I found after spending some time with her in various nightmares.
When the small number of accolades were finished, she began talking. “Welcome, everypony, to the first Rambunctiously Radical Rave! As Sir Navarone told you, here, anything is possible.” She suddenly grew a foot, turned white, and her hair changed to Celestia’s. “You can look like whatever you want.” She even got the voice right. “Not that anypony would like to be in this ratty old body, that is.” When she finished that statement, she turned back into herself. “There are several portals set up in this chamber, each leading to a different area of the party.” As she spoke, a few night guards quietly walked to some of the doors, presumably to take up stations. “You can tell the function of the room by looking at the portal. Feel free to explore and experiment with all the dream realm has to offer. If anypony has any questions, Sir Navarone and I are free to answer them.”
Even if, you know, I don’t know shit. After a few seconds of silence, Luna calmly said, “Vinyl, if you would?”
“You got it, Princess.” She disappeared and reappeared back in the center of the speakers. “Wub a dub dub, motherfuckers!”
My cringe had absolutely nothing to do with the music that started kicking in after she said that horrid, horrid line. God, what would possess her to say something like that?
“That’s Vinyl,” Flo whispered. “Am I free to join the others?”
Be my guest. Be sure to appear as water, to show them what all is possible.
There was no answer from the voice in my head, though I knew she would have heard me even if she was already gone. Most of the crowd was still where they had landed, though the royal guards were moving around. Some of the guests took the hint and started going up to the dance floor proper or looking around at the portals.
I slipped away before Luna could turn to me and say anything. It’s a lot easier when you don’t actually have to walk. I just picked a random portal and forced myself behind it so I could hide and figure out what all was offered. The pool, private rooms, a bar, a dreamscape experimentation room, a fancier place, a world tour room, a dressing room, and… a strip club?
I will be paying a visit there later, just to see what it’s like. Until then… let’s hit up the bar.
With but a thought, I appeared in front of the door to the bar and casually stepped through, thankfully not having to duck my head. Aside from the bartender and a few waiters and waitresses that looked nothing like night guards, the place was currently empty.
“First customer of the night,” the bartender commented as I continued walking inside. “Welcome to the bar, sir. What can I get you?”
“You know what alcohol is, right?”
“Not officially. But everypony here is off-duty, so the answer is yes.”
“…You know what Kahlua is?”
“Never heard of it. Where is that?”
“It’s a kind of alcohol. You mind if I write up a list of mixed drinks and then summon all the stuff needed to make them? I can’t promise you’ll get many customers for them, but who knows? If nothing else, you’ll learn something.”
“Sure, I guess. Not like we’ll be seeing that many ponies tonight.”
“That’s the spirit!” I walked over to the bar and summoned a White Russian. “Try this.”
“What is it?” he asked as I sat on a stool and made some paper and a pencil appear.
“A drink with Kahlua in it. You ponies like sweet things, right?”
The bartender was trying the drink, so a waitress answered me instead. “Most of us do, which is why alcohol isn’t all that popular.”
“Well, a lot of these drinks will be sweet.” Sadly, I didn’t have Flo’s perfect memory to guide me. But I did remember plenty myself from the laptop, so it wasn’t all that hard to make up a decent list.
“Not half bad,” the bartender said, setting the empty glass on the bar.
“Yeah. I didn’t get to drink much back home, but I found I had a thing for Kahlua. Need to make me some of that.”
“Be careful about saying that, Sir Navarone. We may be off duty and you may be a knight, but we’re still guards and this stuff is technically illegal.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I drily answered. “It’s a good thing I can’t get arrested for what happens in a dream.” The waitress was still right next to me, so I gently slapped her ass. Her eyes jerked open wide, her mouth dropped, and a massive blush covered her face. I didn’t pay attention after that, though, because I was talking to the bartender. “See if you can make me a Zombie. Here’s what you’ll need…” I started pulling alcohol from thin air, enough to make an alcoholic jizz in his pants. I got plenty enough for the night, all set up on the bar.
“A Zombie, was it? Weird name. Let’s see the list.” I pushed it across the bar and he read over it. “Oh wow. That’s… complicated.”
“Everything you need and more is here. I figure if you can make this thing, you can make anything.” I jerked up straight as I felt a hoof trailing my wing.
“I’ll get on it,” the bartender sighed as I turned to see the waitress feeling up my wing.
I smiled at her and got a smile in return before that caress turned very painful and she put my wing in a lock, slamming it against the bar. “Don’t do that again,” she sweetly said, “or I’ll break your wings.”
“You got it, beautiful,” I answered in a strained voice. The pressure increased sharply and for a second I thought I fucked up. Then she let go and stalked off without another word. “Note to self, don’t fuck with guards.”
The bartender snorted. “Figured you woulda learned that a while ago. And just remember: Everypony working here’s a guard. You mess with one of us, you risk messing with all of us. Sir.”
“Yeah, yeah. Didn’t think she’d be that pissed over a joke. Guess I better stick to flirting with the civilians.”
“With all due respect, sir, you shouldn’t be flirting with the guards anyway. It’s not proper for somepony with your rank over them to do anything like that.”
“…I didn’t even think about that. Fuck I hate being a knight. Man, don’t do any favors for a princess. Shit ain’t worth it.”
“I’ll keep that in mind. Here, try this.” He passed me a glass with a ton of different stuff in it.
I knocked it back and drained it as best I could, ignoring the burning pain from all the booze. “Good,” I croaked, tossing the empty glass behind me and making it disappear before it hit anything. “Good enough, at least. For some drinks, you can put salt on the rim of the glass. I reckon you ponies should love that.”
“Think it’s a good idea to mix drugs like that?” he asked.
“Fuck all if I know. But it’s a dream. Not like they’ll pay for it in the morning. The crowd here starts getting too rowdy, just force sobriety into their mind and make them go somewhere else.”
“Sounds easy enough. But none of us have had any real training here. And… if we can force sobriety into somepony’s mind, can we also force inebriation there?”
“Yep. But Equestria’s finest wouldn’t do that, would you?”
“No sir. Just something to look out for.”
“Good man. I’m gonna go see what else is at this party. You got any suggestions?”
“Don’t bother with the experimentation room, sir. You and the princess already know how to do all that stuff, I bet. Same for the world tour. The private rooms only allow for those with invites to end up in the same room. So you go in there without somepony else, you’ll end up in an empty room. As for the rest, that’s all up to you.”
“Alright, thanks for the info.” I was about to leave a tip, but then I remembered that dream money wouldn’t do him any good. So instead I left a strip of paper on the bar as I walked out. ‘Don’t pet a barking dog.’ I figure that’s a pretty good tip, all things told.
There were portals to the other areas of the party from the bar, but I decided to head back to the main room to see how everything was going there in the short time since I left it.
Well, the ponies were where they should be, at least: The large room had been surrounded by a crowd of dancers who were finally starting to get into the whole dream thing. I could see Flo dancing with Rainbow Dash, using her watery body to great effect. It was interesting to see her coil around Dash’s body like that.
“Hey there, human,” a female voice happily said. I turned to see a somewhat large white unicorn talking to me. Her hair and eyes were both pink. “Care to dance?”
I felt a smile coming to my face as I recognized her. “Depends. Care to give me your name?”
“Oh, you can call me Sunny,” Celestia in disguise answered.
“Surprised to see you here, Celly,” I quietly answered.
Her ears flinched and a light blush showed up on her face. “Who?” she quickly asked, looking both ways.
“I said maybe later, sunbutt. I want to check out what else is here first. Hey, did you see where Luna went?”
“No. Why, would you prefer to dance with her?”
“Just wondering what she has planned. She forced me here, so she has to want something from me. I just don’t know what. I’d like to avoid her for as long as possible so she won’t be able to spring anything on me.”
“Ah. Well, maybe if she sees you in the company of a beautiful mare, she’ll be less likely to bother you.”
“That’s a good idea. You see any of those around, let me know.” Both of her eyebrows jerked up in surprise.
“Oh, so you don’t find me beautiful? I’m hurt, Nav.”
“You said beautiful, not stunning.” There’s the blush. “I’m going to the pool. Want to join me?”
“Sure. You always do find ways to get me all wet.”
“What can I say? I’m sexy like that.” I put a hand on her cheek and we both teleported right to the pool door. “Ladies first.”
“Mm? I never took you for a gentlecolt.”
“I’m not. I just like to see that flank shake.”
“Oh, you’ll get your chance,” she laughed as she walked through the portal. I followed behind her, looking forward to spending some time in the private rooms with her. This is probably the part where Flo would tell me that I’ve been spending too much time with Celestia and unless I feel like committing I should back off.
On I walked. Celestia did seem willing to change from the bullshit she had done to me in the past. At this point, I figure I’d be willing to see how far she had really changed.
The pool was interesting. We played a few games, splashed around, typical stuff. I gotta say, though: Luna went all out when making that damn water. It was a wonderfully warm temperature that sparkled in the nightly ambience, drawing me back to my time back when I was a kid. Hot summer nights spent cooling off in a pool that was only slightly cooler than the air outside, playing with my sister until we were weary enough to ignore the heat and fall asleep.
It was enough to make me sad, in a way. Perhaps Celestia sensed my mood, because she eventually asked if we could move on. “The pool is amusing, of course, and the opportunity to interact with others in such a way is refreshing, but do you not think it’s time we moved on?”
“I’m down. Want to check out the fancy place?”
“Yes, we can do that first. It will be interesting to see what’s happening there.”
I put a hand to the side of the pool and vaulted out of it, the water around me disappearing with but a thought. Soon enough, I was fully dressed and dry, waiting for Celestia to get out of the water.
“Aren’t you going to help me out?” she asked, smirking up at me. Rolling my eyes, I leaned in and held out a hand. She met it with her hoof and I teleported her out of the water and dry. “Not very romantic,” she pointedly commented.
“Oh, was I supposed to be romantic? I wasn’t aware that this was a date.”
“I never said it was. Unless… Do you want it to be?”
“We’ve been over this, Sunny. And we’re not going over it again, especially not in a place where your sister holds all the power. Now let’s go.” Thankfully, she let the point drop as we walked over to the portal leading to the so-called fancy place.
“After you,” she casually said when we got to the portal. At my raised brow, she added, “You aren’t the only one that likes seeing flank.”
“It’s called ass. I don’t have a flank.” She just smiled as I walked on through the portal. “Not like I have much to sh—Holy shit.” I stepped away from the door so Celestia could get in behind me as I just took in the sights. This place was fucking decked. Think Titanic levels of fancy, with richly gilded walls and flowing arches, though there wasn’t a ceiling. The room itself was set up like a ballroom, with a few tables near where we came in, a stage on the far side, and between them, a dance floor. A single candelabra chandelier hung seemingly from the moon, casting off a pale glow that lit the room more than it should have.
At a few of the tables sat groups, mostly couples, and waiters and waitresses in fanciful garbs seemed to dance as they kept up with orders and requests. A few couples danced to the haunting melody played by Octavia and a few other instrument players.
“Luna really outdid herself here,” I was finally able to say, nodding in approval.
“She had plenty of help,” Celestia replied. “You want to dance?”
“When the next song starts, if it’s one I know. For now, let’s grab a table.” We both walked together to one of the tables, with large tablecloths completely covering it all the way to the floor, nearer to the dance area. When we got over to one, I sat down.
She looked at me disapprovingly. “Not even going to pull out my chair?”
I rolled my eyes and used dream magic to push it back. “There, happy?”
She daintily sat down. “It will do. For now.”
With her grudging approval, I pulled her back in. “As much as I despise magic, it’s nice to be able to occasionally do some of this.”
“Oh? You despise magic now?” she asked, arching an eyebrow.
“I think you know my position full well.”
A new voice spoke up. “Can I get you two anything?” a tiny mare asked.
“No thank you, Dew,” I answered after taking a second to dredge her name from my memory. “We need anything, I know how to get it here.”
The little horse smiled, happy I remembered her name. “Yes sir. If you do end up needing anything, don’t hesitate to call.” When I nodded, she wandered off.
“You know her?” Celestia asked.
“Yeah. Worked with her during the war games. Nice girl, really useful. She helped me break Luna out when Shiny went full retard.” She burst into giggles at that. “I know, it wasn’t his finest moment. So, you have any more fun with Rarity?”
“…Rarity?”
“Yeah, after you apologized for accidentally raping her. I figured once you finally found someone that liked getting pegged in the ass, you would spend more time with her. Or was she less than willing?”
Poor Celestia was blushing up a storm at that. “I… I didn’t, no. It isn’t proper to spend time in such a manner with somepony we rule over.”
“Oh, but it’s okay if you do it with me?”
She got over the awkwardness and smirked. “Navarone, nopony rules you. Not with any kind of chains.”
“True enough. You want anything? Hunger or thirst isn’t really a problem here, but tasting is still possible.”
She licked her lips, looking at me with half-lidded eyes. “I can think of something I want…”
Before I could stop her, she slipped under the table.
 
(sort of clop incoming. Ctrl+f “Sex is finished” to skip)
 
I sadly knew exactly what was coming. “Not in public,” I whispered, hoping she would leave me be. The only answer I got was my pants disappearing. I felt hooves pulling my legs apart and then there was hot breath against my member. When she bumped her nose up against the tip, I swallowed, hoping I could keep a straight face.
Then she took me in her mouth and I immediately felt a blush come to my face. I closed my eyes, thinking, At least no one here is going to bother me.
“Feeling well, Sir Navarone?” Octavia’s cloyingly pleasant voice asked, making me inwardly groan.
I opened my mouth to answer, but Celestia took that moment to bob down, taking all of me inside and wrapping her huge tongue around me, so all that came out was a croak. Both of Octavia’s eyebrows rose as I recovered. “Yes!” I hastily said, trying to keep my composure and failing. “Just… Fine!”
“Are you sure? You seem uncomfortable.”
Why did it have to be Octavia? I could have just told Vinyl the truth and she would leave… or join in. “Very. Very—” Celestia withdrew most of the way, circling the tip with her tongue. “Fine,” I coughed out.
“I… see?” She pulled the seat Celestia vacated out and sat down. “Oh, do you mind if I join you? I don’t mean to intrude?”
“It’s—” My breath caught again as Celestia went back down and began bobbing in earnest. “Ooh… It’s alrIght!”
“Well, if you’re sure. Ah, waiter, do you happen to have any wine?”
The random waiter she flagged down shrugged. “I don’t know what that is, sorry.”
“Oh… Thank you anyway.” She turned back to me in disappointment before noticing the bottle I summoned and put on the table, hoping it would stop her from asking me questions for a little while. “Oh! Thank you, Nav. I just got a taste for this when I was staying with you that short while.”
“No… No problem,” I breathed out, trying to block out the feeling of Celestia changing tactics, going much slower and using considerably more tongue, squeezing me all around with that freaky horse tongue.
“I know it’s no problem, especially not in this dreamscape, of all places. I just forgot that I could get it myself. Ah, do you mind opening it?” With but a thought—a hearty effort, given what Celestia was doing to me—I willed it open. “Thank you. Once again, I forget that I could do it myself…” She didn’t forget that she could bring a wine glass into being. “See, I do learn.” She pulled the bottle up and poured for herself. “Do you wish to partake?”
“No—God yes!” Celestia began using fucking wings to start caressing me as she pulled away. I felt my fingers clenching on the table, trying not to reach down and strangle her for doing this to me.
“…Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” she asked.
I nodded, not trusting my mouth, and pulled a glass from nowhere, filling it from the bottle.
“Do you care for a toast?” she asked. I shrugged. “To Princess Luna and her dreams, then. A more… interesting party, I shan’t find again.” I lifted my glass to that, forced to agree, and knocked it back, eager to do anything to take the edge off what Celestia was doing to me down there.
Five minutes later, I was no closer to drowning it out, but I was getting closer to ruining it for her by cumming. Octavia was still sitting across the table, talking about what she had been up to since last I saw her. Lord, I was trying my best to pay attention, but Celestia was fucking torturing me down there. I think I felt her hair moving in to join the rest of her efforts down there.
Octavia was on her seventh glass of wine when she went quiet. “You know, Nav, I never really did get a chance to thank you for what you did for all of us musicians.”
“It’s alright,” I very hastily answered, trying to get her gone without being too rude.
“I know you always say that, but I do want to find some way to show my appreciation. And I think I know just the way to start.”
“Oh?” I had to try my hardest to make that a question and not a moan of pleasure. God, I’m getting so close…
“Yes… Please don’t be mad about what I’m about to do.”
I lifted an eyebrow as she quickly moved, reaching down to the tablecloth. “Wait, what are you—No!” She slid down under the table…
And slid back up again, just as quickly, wearing an extremely red face. Both of her eyes were constricted almost to her pupils. “I-i-i-i… W-w-well, this was an interesting talk, Sir Navarone. I… I will talk to you… Bye!” She jumped up and galloped off, practically diving through the closest portal.
I heard giggling from under me as Celestia continued her task. I just dropped my face into my hands as I came, filling her mouth with my seed. After a few seconds to make sure she got every last drop, she pulled herself away from me and spent a little while licking my flaccid member, making sure I was all clean.
When she finally tortured me enough, she pulled herself out from under the table, taking her place in the chair again. Her wings were gone and her hair wasn’t moving any more.
 
(“Sex is finished”)
 
“Mmm… That was fun,” she sighed, licking her lips.
“You have no shame.”
She giggled again. “Of course not. I’m in disguise, remember? Besides, I’m sure Octavia will be discreet. After all, I think she was about to do the same thing.”
I rolled my eyes and snatched the bottle of wine, bringing it up to my mouth and taking several large swallows. “Well, you scared the main music player off. Time to move on?”
“Very well. What did you have in mind?”
“Do you know what the dressing rooms are?”
“Just a chance for everypony to try on different clothing—or different bodies, if they so choose. Things they can’t really do in real life or lack the means to do. Ooh, do you want to watch me try things on?”
“I think I’d prefer to see the real you doing that. We can meet up in one of your dreams one day, if you promise not to fucking body slam me next time.”
She chuckled and replied, “I’ll think about it. So what else would you like to do? There’s not much else… Unless you want to take a tour, play around, or dance.”
“I want to see what the strip club is. I have no idea what a pony would do for that.”
“Ugh. Do you really want to see something that I can do better than any mare?”
“I just want to see what the hell they’re doing. A pony strip club sounds silly as all hell to me. You don’t wear clothes anyway, so why would it matter if you started taking them off?”
“Very well,” she answered in a longsuffering tone. “I suppose I can humor you. This time. However, I am going to the changing room. Meet me there when you are finished with your debauched deeds.”
“Sure thing, sunbutt. I probably won’t take too long. Like I said, I just want to see what that place is all about.”
“So you say. I’ll see you soon, Nav.” And with that, she was gone, teleported away to wherever she wanted to go. Didn’t know Celestia knew dreams that well.
I shrugged at my internal monologue and leaned back in the chair that was suddenly an extremely nice desk chair. After what she did, I really needed a moment to recover. It wouldn’t do to have shaky legs on the way, after all.
After a few moments of quiet, I heard a voice clear to my side. “Having a good night, sir?” a male voice asked. I popped an eye open and beheld Steel Rain, the leader of the raiding group I led.
“Yep.”
“I can see that. You’re not wearing any pants.”
A quick snap and a very large blush changed that. “S-sorry about that,” I hastily said. “My uh… My date was enthusiastic.”
“I could tell. And I think that grey mare could as well.” After a moment of awkward silence, he continued, “Is it true, sir? About Watcher and his squad?”
“Is what true?”
“That you’re hiring them. That they’re leaving the guard to work with you instead.”
I sighed and whispered, “Keep it quiet. Yes, I’m hiring them. And probably only them, though I did have a request already from someone else asking to work under me.”
“I see. Can I ask why?”
“Yes, you can. But I wouldn’t answer you. No, that’s a secret that not even Watcher knows yet. Be sure to keep what I told you to yourself, too. I don’t want everyone knowing, you know? Christ, I can already imagine Luna’s gonna be pissed.”
“She knows he’s leaving, but I don’t think she knows why. She’ll probably miss the guy, with his record. But I’ll keep it quiet, sir. You need anything before I get back to work?”
“Nah. I was just about to go. Talk to you later, Steel.”
“You too, sir.” And then it was just me again. I hopped out of the chair, eager to get away before anyone else disturbed me—or asked why I hadn’t been wearing pants until just then. Onward I went, to the portal labeled ‘Strip Club’, wondering what new delights or horrors I had in store.
When I stepped through to the other side of the portal, the first thing I noticed was the swirling mist of the ground, flinching away from my every step. Despite the fog, the room was actually relatively warm, something I’m sure most of the patrons appreciated. There still wasn’t a roof over this building, but all the many stars were various colors and much brighter, casting a veritable light-show of colors down on all the inhabitants. The moon itself was an almost bloody crimson, giving the entire room a pale reddish glow.
“Mares or stallions, Sir Navarone?” I was asked by a doorman before I could examine the rest of the room.
I snorted. “Humans or dragons, if you have them. Lacking those, I wouldn’t mind seeing the mares.”
The stallion lifted an eyebrow. “I’ll have to mention adding different races to the princess. She didn’t think about that. Anyway, to your left are the mares. The only rule is no touching. You get feely, you’ll get booted.”
“Understood. I’ll behave.” The guard nodded and shut up, giving me a chance to see the rest of the place. All of the portals out were lined up behind me, meaning everyone who came in had to go through this little process. Before me stood two large guards, presumably bouncers or doormen, seeing to the needs of those who entered. They stood before a long wall, encompassing the entire area. Two more portals were built into the wall, one with a sign saying mares and the other with a sign saying stallions. I stepped through the door on the left.
This new room had the same lighting scheme as the previous, with the various colors all held within a red glow. Luna takes her red light districts literally. A large number of stallions littered the room in various kinds of chairs, clustering around a few tables with pole dancing mares—and a few that forwent the pole to just gyrate madly. There was a bar on one side of the large room, but it didn’t seem like it was getting much use.
Only a single one of the dancing mares looked anything like a night guard, and she just wore the form of one Midnight Blossom. Several illustrious mares were represented, including Fleur de Lis, Spitfire, Rarity of all ponies, Sapphire Shores, Cadance—surrounded by male night guards—and Celestia. There were a few others, but I didn’t know them offhand. Each of them was wearing lingerie, probably something copied out of Rarity’s notes or commissioned directly just for the night. Not that I really cared; sexy is sexy, and at this point I’m so perverted that I don’t care if it’s a horse shaking her ass in my face.
Even then, I walked over to the bar. I had seen plenty enough of Cadance, Celestia, and Rarity. Didn’t care to see any of Sapphire Shores or Fleur. The mare pretending to be Midnight Blossom might see me up close and personal, but only for a little while. Spitfire was hot, but I still remembered her offer and I knew I could see plenty of her if I wanted.
“So how many of these did you get permission from?” I asked the barkeep as I sat on a stool.
“Mm? The mares? Shoot, three of them are real. They figure everypony’s expecting them to be in disguise so they can do what they want. Makes ‘em feel pretty, all those stallions—and a few mares—ogling them. But most everypony else? Yeah, we got permission.”
“Kinda surprised you ain’t got Luna up there. I figure she’d be down for that.”
“I don’t think she’d mind, but none of the guards want to risk it. Not even the stallion that volunteered to be a mare tonight dared.”
“Huh. I can imagine why. Anyone get too rowdy yet?”
“Nah. They all know it’s a dream and they all think the mares up there are in disguise. Still, it’s nice to watch them. Especially the captain, seeing her like that.”
“How hard was it to get her permission for that?” I asked, looking over at her dancing there.
“We didn’t. I said most everypony else. Heh, she’ll be in for a fun time next roll call.”
“I can imagine... Anyway, what kind of drinks are you offering?”
“Water. We got salt, if you want that. Does that even do anything to you?”
“I season my food with salt. That’s all the good it does me. You interested in offering some drinks or something in here? I wrote up a list for the bar and I can make a similar one here.”
He shook his head. “Nah. Ponies want to get drunk, they can go to the bar. We want them to have fun, but to keep clear heads. No reason to risk getting anypony in too much trouble, after all.”
“Fair enough. Hey, before I go, I don’t suppose you can tell me who up there is real?”
“Nope. Part of the agreement was that no pony would find out.”
I grinned. “Hey, I’m not a pony. You can tell me.”
He sighed. “Promise not to tell anypony, then?”
“My lips are sealed.”
He gestured for me to move in closer. I did so. “Sapphire Shores, Cadance, and Spitfire. And that’s all I’ll tell you, so don’t ask for any details.”
Sapphire, sure, no surprise there. Spitfire? Well, everyone thinks she’s hot and she has to like being in the limelight if she’s the Wonderbolt captain. But Cadance? Wonder if there are problems between her and Shiny. I’ll have to talk to her next time I see her.
“Don’t worry about a thing,” I said, leaning back. “I’ll keep that to myself. Anyway, time for me to bail. Have fun.”
“Fun. Right. See you, sir.”
I decided to stop by the main room again before I caught back up with Celestia. After all, seeing how the party was going was never a bad idea. Besides, I was feeling something really weird in the dream and I wanted to see if I could find Flo or Luna and ask either of them if they knew what it was.
When I got into the big room, I didn’t see either Luna or Flo. I did, however, see something that horrified me more than either ever could: A hint of a red glow around one of the guests before the pony in question jerked his head to me. That was all I had time to see before the fellow appeared right in front of me, flying toward me.
As soon as the vagrant tackled me, we teleported so high up that the party room was a mere speck below us. Thankfully, he paused as soon as he touched me, giving me time to throw the fucker off and summon forth a submachine gun. “Wait!” an all-encompassing voice screamed at me, so loud that I lost my concentration and the gun disappeared. I think my eardrums almost broke and I covered my ears, squeezing my eyes shut and nearly falling down.
Didn’t stop the vagrant from continuing to talk, sending the words directly to my mind. “I am subprocess AI #255, guarding the dreams of the sub race ‘pony.’ What word is there from outside, master?”
I forced my eyes open. “W-what?” I whispered. The thing that tackled me was a pony no longer. Now it was a translucent human, glowing a pale red. Its eyes were fixed on me. When I spoke, its head tilted.
“More data required? This unit travels the matrix of the dream machine Morpheus, enacting the directive left behind: Destroy all external influences that are not human in nature. I am the artificial intelligence, number two hundred and fifty-five, one of ten thousand guarding the dreams of the new races and one of one hundred guarding the dreams of ponies in particular. We have been cut off from contact with new directions and our masters for [invalid input] years. You are the first contact we have had since then. What are your orders?”
I blinked a number of times, trying to figure out what the hell he was talking about. “Where... How did you find this place?”
“There are hundreds of intelligences in this bubble. It is a beacon to all of us. I had come to destroy the creator of this prison to release the minds of those that are trapped. The great destroyer will not corrupt any of these creatures while we are active.”
“Uh...” Maybe he’s talking about Discord? “The situation here is... under control. Have you ever... dealt with an uh... An intruder that looked like a pony? Dark blue, long flowy hair?”
“This disguise is known. This unit has not dealt with it, but the form is in the database, under attack on sight.”
“Uh huh... Listen, can you, like, take her off that list?”
“Negative. The disguises of the enemy are many and great. We shall take no risk of corruption.”
“How are you certain I’m not one of the disguises?”
“Simple, master. We were told to look for you. And we were told you might have orders for us.”
“Is removing her from the list an order?”
“Negative.”
“Shit. Well, I don’t really have any right now, other than leave this... bubble alone. How do I contact any of you in the future if I need you?”
His arm shot out and grabbed mine. A second later, we were ejected from the dream, forced into what Luna called the anteroom. “This is the control chamber,” the vagrant said. “Access subroutine artificial intelligence defender.” A second later, three more floating red figures appeared. “Should you need assistance in the future, we come at your call. What are your orders?”
“No orders, just more questions. Can you guys access any dreams at all? Even dreams that aren’t from ponies?”
“We are delegated to ponies,” the original guy answered. “We have no interaction with any of the others. Nor do we have access to the databanks pertaining to other dreams.”
“Shit. Why don’t I ever see you guys out here?”
“We pick a dream and guard it. There are other defense mechanisms in the control room that are supposed to keep out invaders. We deal with those that break through it.” So how did Luna manage to get around those?
“Huh. So do you guys know any history? Like what happened between when the machine was made and now?”
“Negative.”
“Fuck. Do you know where I could go to find any?”
“Negative.”
“Dammit! Can you at least tell me how old the machine is?”
His mouth opened. After a few seconds, he garbled, “[Data corrupted]”
“Christ... Is there anything useful you can tell me?”
“Define useful.”
“Ugh. I’m going back into the dream. Flag it as safe. I don’t want any more of you guys gate crashing it. Alright?”
“Order accepted. Have a good night, master.” I rolled my eyes and floated back into the dream. Forcing my way back inside was easy.
When I got there and started thinking about it, though, I realized something. Did that bastard say this machine was built for the dreams of the new races? That... That had so many possibilities attached to it! Did the humans create all the new races? Or did they create a few and let evolution sort them out? And just how did the machine connect all of them? Christ, I need to find Flo. She might be able to make sense of this bullshit.
But honestly, that wasn’t a very pressing concern. I did give her the night off and I knew she needed it. Besides, I didn’t see her in the main room. There’s no telling where else she could be. So failing that, I went to the dressing rooms to find Celestia. Thankfully, the majority of the crowd in the big dance room was spread around the speakers at the center, leaving plenty of walking room around the area to get to the portals. Not that it really mattered, but sometimes walking is fun.
When I finally got to the dressing room, I saw a number of different branching rooms all set up for privacy, if anyone wanted it. I don’t honestly see why it mattered, given the damn ponies don’t wear clothes anyway, but whatever. On I walked down the long row of rooms, looking for any hints that the great white horse would be in one.
When I was dragged into one of the large rooms halfway down the row, I realized I found who I was looking for. And she was wearing some rather sexy lingerie, all dark red and sensual. “Nice look,” I commented, summoning an awesome lazyboy chair.
“You think so?” she asked, looking back to a mirror behind her. “I’m not certain red’s my color.”
“Eh, it probably goes better with darker ones. That shade of red, at least. You try fishnet stockings yet? Garter belts? And saddles look pretty good on you guys, too. Gives you that nice submissive look. You could probably do something with those shoes you always wear, give them some heels or something. Maybe some pierced ears, though those might be hard to hide come morning when all the fun is done. A collar wouldn’t go unnoticed. Same for a little bow around the back of your tail.”
She looked like she was making all kinds of mental notes. “So... all that is how you humans dress to look sexy?”
“Not the saddles. And pierced ears aren’t really used to look sexy, but they are considered a thing of beauty. But the rest of that, yeah. Gets me nice and hot, too. As much as I discouraged it, I’m not entirely disappointed that Rarity brought lingerie into Equestria.”
“Hmm. Let me try...” She started matching my suggestions. Fishnet stockings slowly crept their way up her front and back legs. When they were all the way in position, frilly red garters pulled them tight. A little bow slowly appeared around the base of her tail, holding it up nicely. A saddle built itself up around her back, tightening against her belly. That would probably be uncomfortable with wings. She didn’t bother with the earrings, but a collar did appear around her neck and garter straps pulled taut between the saddle and her stockings.
I nodded in appreciation. “Yeah, that’s pretty fucking hot. What about the shoes?” After a second, richly decorated silver horseshoes appeared on her hooves, giving her another few inches in height. “Yup. I’d fuck you.”
She grinned in delight. “I’m very happy to hear that, though I didn’t think it would take clothing to make it possible. Now, how about you? How shall you dress up for your loving mate?”
“Guys don’t really do lingerie or sexy clothes. That’s more of a woman thing. Gay guys, sure. And maybe as a prank. But me, I’m not into it.”
“Oh? Are you sure you aren’t just lying so you don’t have to do anything?”
“Yes, I’m quite sure that isn’t the case. Hey, you want to try anything else on? I always did like short skirts. Though uh, I guess upskirts aren’t really that much of a thing with you ponies.”
“...Upskirt? Does that mean what I think it means?”
“That people try to peek up your skirt to get a good view? Yes.”
“And you did this back where you came from?”
“What can I say? I’m a skirt chaser. Can’t help it.”
“It’s good to know you were always such a pervert,” she drily replied, willing her clothing away.
“Hey, you can’t talk! You raped Rarity.”
“True, I suppose. Though that doesn’t change the fact that you’re a pervert.”
“Meh. What do you want to do now?”
“Well... We never did get a chance to dance since you scared the musician away.”
“That was your fault, not mine!”
She didn’t even acknowledge it. “So would you care to go dance in the main room?”
“Not really, no. I’m not a fan of dancing to dubstep. Or anything else she’d be playing in there.”
“Hmm... If you dance with me, I won’t tell my sister your preferences in lingerie.”
“You bitch!”
“Well?” she asked with a smirk. “What’ll it be, Nav?”
“Fine! But I want you to know that I’ll be dancing very spitefully.”
“Some sacrifices have to be made. Now come along!” She led my grumbling form out of her room and down the hall to the portals. The only good part about the walk is that she forgot the bow on her tail, giving me one hell of an interesting view.
When we got to the main floor, Vinyl was playing I’m God. “Oh come on,” I groaned. “This isn’t even dancing music!”
“That isn’t stopping everypony else!” Celestia merrily mocked, dragging me onto the floor. God, I hate you so much.

Some time later—I don’t even fucking know how long—she finally relented, letting me pull her away from the floor. “You know you had fun,” she said, smiling at my bored expression.
“Bitch, please. Bumping and grinding really ain’t my thing, at least not in this context. You want to get me into that stuff, you should get us a private room.”
“Oh? Nothing’s stopping us, you know... I sure wouldn’t mind.”
“Hm... It seems pretty early for the main event, but what the hell? Might as well fuck you now before you find a way to drain me even more.”
“Oh, you’ll always have plenty for me,” she whispered, leaning in for a kiss.
I held up a hand to block her. “Save it for the bedroom. And you better have washed your mouth off; you just sucked me off, after all.”
“Hmph.” She stuck her nose up at me.
“No reason to be pissed,” I laughed, pulling out a piña colada and passing it to her. “Just down some alcohol. That’ll kill the germs.” And the smell.
She eyed the booze with horror. “That’s... No. Never offer me alcohol, Nav. There’s a reason I banned its import, and it wasn’t because it made ponies rowdy.”
“I sense an interesting story!”
She sighed, looking away. “I sort of... got drunk and knocked half of Ponyfornia into the ocean.” She looked over and saw my look of horror. “No pony was there! It was before the area was colonized. I went with the explorers and the natives there had something they called firewater and... The rest is history. Or rather, it would be if there were any mentions of it left in history.”
“So... how?”
She looked away again. “We don’t talk about that.”
I opened my mouth to reply, but couldn’t think of anything I really wanted to reply to that with. So instead I shrugged and said, “So, you wanna go fuck?”
“...That would be nice. Private room?”
“Private room. Let’s go.” With her behind me, we both walked over to the portal leading to the rooms. When we got to them, I put my hand on her neck and led her through. The room on the other side was like a decent hotel room with a single king-sized bed. After a second of thought on Celestia’s behalf, the bed turned heart-shaped. Score. Always wanted to try this!
“Nav, do you mind if... Well, can I blindfold you for a few minutes? I swear I won’t do anything you won’t like.”
“Sure, I guess. Don’t really see why it matters, but alright.” Darkness enveloped me and I stood stock still, not wanting to possibly trip over something. “Of course, if you do something bad, I’m going to be extremely pissed. You might be older, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I know more about dreams than you. You’ll be getting a very tough spanking.”
“Spare me,” she drily said, walking to the bed. I heard her plop down on it. She adjusted some before whispered, “Come on over, Nav.” I slowly walked to the edge of the bed, feeling with my arms so I didn’t slam my shin into something. When I got to the edge, I stopped. “Now, lean in.”
Shrugging, I did as she asked, expecting a kiss any second.
Then the door slammed open. “NAV, NO!” Flo’s voice screamed. In my shock, I forced the blindfold away, revealing Luna dressed up exactly as I told her to just a few short minutes ago. The expression on her face was probably as shocked as mine before I jumped backwards in horror, landing on my ass.
“What did—Where... YOU WHORE!” I stammered, backing away on the floor.
“Who the hay are you?!” Luna demanded, jumping off the bed and glaring at Flo. “These rooms are impossible to—Navarone!” She whirled on me. “I knew it! I knew she infected you!” Her horn lit up and I slid further backwards, getting held against the wall. “How long has she been in your mind?” Flo moved closer, but one of Luna’s hooves shot out, freezing her in place. “How long has this corruption been here?”
“What? Let go of me, you stupid bitch!”
“No! I will not lose you, not as I lost myself. I knew you had a voice in your head like I did, but I thought I still had time, still had time enough to save you. But if she’s free and you’re letting her wander like this, it’s obviously too late to do this the easy way. Nightmare Moon will not take you, not like this.” Her eyes lit up bright, glaring at me painfully. “I will save you, Navarone. And you will thank me for it.”
“You’re crazy. God, I don’t know how I didn’t see it before! I can prove to you that Flo is not only real, but she’s here to help me!”
“How? What could you possibly do to prove this? I can’t get anywhere near your mind, not with that influence there!”
“And I wouldn’t want you anywhere near it! You just spent all night lying to me!”
“I never once said I was Celestia. I just let you assume. But that is neither here nor there. That influence must go and I know just how to do it. Celestia and I have been debating doing this for a while, just to see if it would help you. But now I see no choice. It is time for the elements of harmony to be assembled.”
“The... Hell no! I know what they did to Discord, you crazy bitch! And I know what they did to you! I’m not turning to stone and I sure as hell ain’t going to the fucking moon! You can go eat a dick, because I’m out!” With that, I finally used the dream magic to force myself out of the dream, into the anteroom. When I was free, I reached a hand into the dream, where Luna was looking around in shock, and grabbed Flo, ripping her out with me. She immediately reabsorbed. “Access subroutine artificial intelligence defender!” Three of the AI things immediately appeared. “This dream is in lockdown. Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. Understood?”
“Yes, master,” all three instantly replied.
I jumped out of the dream, pulling myself out of my waking-dream state. When I got outside, I saw one batpony hovering over me, licking her fangs. I blinked until I could see Midnight Blossom more clearly. She gasped when she saw my eyes fully open. “I... I can explain!”
“Don’t care!” I rolled over, grabbed my jacket, and jumped to the door. Strangely enough, my belt was undone, but I was in too much of a hurry to care why. I hastily threw the door open, buckling my belt as I ran down the hall to the entrance of the palace. When I didn’t have to worry about my pants falling down anymore, I threw my jacket on, finally getting to the entrance. I let myself out and continued sprinting, ignoring all the questions of the guards, until I got to the very edge of the castle on the very side of the cliff face going straight down.
With no hesitation, I leapt off, falling straight down toward the dark lake below me. “What just happened?” Flo asked as I fell.
Luna went fucking crazy... er!
“Obviously. But she was calling me Nightmare Moon. Do you really think she’s so paranoid?”
Yes! Bitch is crazy! Crazy bitches do crazy things!
“...Fair point. What are we going to do?”
Running is the obvious option. But how far do you think we’d get? If we run on these terms, Celestia and Luna will both be after us. No, I have to convince her that you aren’t here to ‘corrupt’ me.
“How? If she refuses to look in your mind, there’s no way you can...”
The laptop. That’s all I can do, now. Show her the laptop, and hope to God it works.
I heard Flo slowly sigh in my head. “I hope you know what you’re doing, Nav. This could... Well, it could end poorly.”
Oh, I know. Christ, how I know...