//------------------------------// // Part 1: First Impressions // Story: The Chronic-le Of Green Leaf // by MrPockets //------------------------------// “Umm, hello out there? Is this thing on? "Okay... Cool. “So yeah, before I get into this whole... whatever it is, I should probably stress that drugs are bad news. I mean it, you may think they’re all fun and games, and you’re not hurting anypony when you get high, but you totally are. “Marijuana is habit a forming drug, that’s just a fact. "Like, science fact. I’m pretty sure it is a fact of science. And it’s definitely a gateway drug. Start smoking weed now and before you know it, you’ll be out roaming Ponyville late at night so desperate for your next hit of skag you won’t think twice about finding a random stallion and getting down and- “...What? "Like, right now Pinkie? I’m kinda in the middle of this thing... Oh. Really? “Fuck it, pass that spliff over here! "...OOooooh.... “...Damn, that ain’t bad! You get this from Vinyl? I gotta hit that bitch up sometime. Thanks! “Uhhhh, so where was I again? “Oh right. public service thingy. So, weed is like, bad and stuff. And so is every other drug. And if you do drugs, then you... you really need to... Wow, I never realized how weird hooves are! I mean, my fur just becomes this hard hoof thing, but it’s all the same colour and... just, wow...” “Oh. there you are... Green Leaf? Uhh, what are you doing? ” “Heya Berry! What up, my main mare?” “...You’ve been staring at that wall and talking to nopony. For like... way too long. It’s weird. Even for you. This is supposed to be you’re big party!” “I know, I know, I’m just warning the ponies who’re gonna hear my tale about, like, drugs and stuff and how bad they are. Also, do you remember where Vinyl lives? Cause I don’t.” “You’re warning other ponies about using drugs? You’re smoking a joint right now...” “Yeah, so? That just means I know what I’m talking about.” “Can’t argue with that logic. So how’s it going then?” “Honestly? I’d give myself a 6.5 outta 10. All these ponies are distracting me with their well wishing and free drugs... And I could really go for some snacks right about now.” “Well... I suppose you could be doing worse?” “You’re right! Thanks Berry! Okay, so now that all that bullshit is outta the way, without further a due-” “You mean ado?” “Right, whatever. Without anymore of that, let’s get on with my story; ‘The Chronic-le Of Green Leaf’!” “Wow, did you come up with that yourself?” “Shut up Berry. Ah-hem..." The dirt road crunched pleasantly under our heroine, Green Leaf’s weary hooves. A cool breeze blew through her messy blonde mane, offsetting the unseasonably warm air. It was that weird time of year when the weather ponies can’t make up their minds and decide if it’s Summertime or Fall. Still, stereotypically lazy pegasi aside, it was nice weather for a stroll. The former big-city mare stopped for a moment to rest and admire the beautiful scenery with her deep, green eyes. She let out a long, refreshing sigh, wondering if anything could possibly make this moment more perfect than it already was. “Dude, I should totally smoke up,” she realized suddenly, a tiny alarm bell going off in her head, “it’s been almost twenty whole minutes!” In the surrounding trees, birds sang merrily as Green slid off her saddlebags and dug into the pouch on the right with both hooves. After a few minutes of increasingly frantic fishing around, she managed to find one of the two things she’d been seeking. “Lighter! Check. Now where the hay did I put that damn joint?” Though Green had enough weed to make at least 50 more, rolling with hooves is as time consuming as it is frustrating, and not ideal for a pony jonesing for a pick-me-up. “I know I had six on me when I left Canterlot... There’s no way I smoked ‘em all! Or... did I? Come on, think!” Raising her hooves to her head to manually kickstart her lagging brain cells, Green felt something squishing against her ear. Something wonderful. “Oh, duh! I put it behind my ear so I wouldn’t lose it!” She recalled upon regaining hoof-to-joint contact with the paper doobie. With a practiced flick of her head, the joint flew out from behind her ear, flipping in the air three times before she caught it in her mouth and sparked it up. Not a whole lot of ponies could activate the complicated lighting mechanism, but Green was a pony of many talents. Most of which involving marijuana consumption. As demonstration of these talents, Green took a mighty toke that would have left a lesser pony twitching on the floor; drool on their lips, and piss in their pants. Assuming they were wearing pants, that is. If not, well, the metaphorical lesser pony would be pissing on themselves as opposed to their metaphorical pants. It’s a metaphor. You get the idea. Green Leaf released another refreshing sigh, this one carrying with it a huge cloud so dark, a pegasus could probably jump on it and make lightning. Assuming they weren’t too busy trying to figure out when Autumn started, that is. A familiar feeling swept over her body, and even though Green was an earth pony, at that moment she felt she could float. Grinning like a moron, she opened her eyes, now pink and puffy. In the glow of her high, the peaceful beauty of the morning was now overwhelmingly sublime. “Aaaaaw yeah, much better!” The stoned mare proclaimed to the cheerfully chirping birds around her. “I feel good enough to sing! Listen up, featherheads, this is how it’s done!” Green cleared her throat and prepared to dazzle mother nature with her angelic singing voice.  With her joint still hanging out the side of her muzzle, she burst into the most enchanting song she knew. “I. Like Big. Blunts and I cannot lie! You other ponies won’t decline!” She sang as loud as she could, scarring off most of the birds she was trying to impress. Unperturbed, (or even aware of their absence, really) Green packed up her bags and continued to sing her way down the road. “When I pass that spliff and you take a sniff, light it up we’ll get ripped, we get BLITZED! And don’t forget the chips! Munchin’ hard, I need some dip!” Several rabbits nearby raised eyebrows and wore looks of fear mixed with confusion on their tiny, furry faces. It may have been the pot, but as Green happily skipped along, the high pony had no doubt that things were gonna work out for her this time. She had been travelling for so many years now, bouncing from one city to another, but the old routine was finally coming to an end. After the disaster that made her leave Canterlot, she was going to settle down, and be happy somewhere. There was no doubt in her swimming mind. “Don’t. Want. None. Unless it’s French. On-ion!” Puffing out another cloud of dank smoke, Green was about to start the next line when a small something collided with the back of her head. “Wuzzat?” Green glanced down at the dirt trail and found an acorn sitting at her hooves. Turning around, she spotted a particularly upset-looking squirrel, glaring daggers at her from the underbrush. “What’s the deal, little dude? Not a fan of the classics?” The indignant rodent stuck out its tiny tongue and blew a tiny, mocking raspberry. “Oh, so that’s how it is then? Well, you can just kiss my flank then yah little buzzkill!” For emphasis, she jabbed her rump in the critter’s direction and gave it a taunting slap. Green Leaf turned away, laughing and shaking her green flank and pot-leaf cutie marks at the varmint. This apparently made it mad, because after two steps, she felt another acorn peg her from behind. “Dude!” She stopped again and rounded on the pissy thing. “You need to chill out bro-tato! I ain't got no beef with you." The squirrel crossed its arms dismissively and looked away with eyes pointedly closed. The pose was almost identical to the one used by those uppity Canterlot ponies Green Leaf had only recently left behind, only smaller and with a bushy tail. A devilish grin appeared on Green’s face. She had a way of dealing with those snobs. Taking another long drag, Green immediately exhaled right into the squirrel scrunched up face. To her utmost amusement, it began coughing like crazy while trying to dispel the thick smoke. “Fight the ocean and you’ll drown, little dude. Just sit back and ride it out now!” The squirrel took the mare’s advice (or maybe it just couldn’t stand anymore), and fell back on the grass, swaying slightly with the breeze. Though its jet black eyes gave nothing away, Green knew stoned when she saw it and couldn’t help but laugh. “There ya go little buddy, bet you're feeling pretty mellow now! Here, have a snack.” In an act of unfathomable kindness, Green Leaf gave back the very acorns it had thrown at her, which the high squirrel contently tore into. “Much better, right? Maybe next time a pony trots by, you won’t be such a little A-hole.” Once the last of the acorns disappeared, the squirrel looked up and smiled at the green pony, its cheeks full almost to bursting. If you’ve never seen a stoned squirrel smile, let me tell you, it’s adorable. Like, kittens playing with yarn adorable. Times five. “D’awwww,” Green Leaf returned the smile, then removed her saddlebags again and opened the pouch on the left. “Tell ya what, why don’t you take some of this and share it with your friends?” She pulled out a massive bag that filled the whole pouch. It was almost completely full with chunks of a dried, green plant. It was the best pot Canterlot had to offer, aptly named 'Celestia's Finest'. Green opened it and tore off a small nugget, then hoofed it to the squirrel. Cause she keeps it real like that. It sniffed it once, then smiled at the mare again and nodded before scampering off unsteadily into the forest with the nugget in its mouth. “So long, my friend!” Green waved goodbye to the bush, then looked at her giant bag full of weed and the tiny space removing the chunk had left. “Wow, I’m starting to run low... Note to self, find a new dealer ASAP! Also, get more papers. And a sandwich." Loading up her bags, she continued on her way, finishing off the last of her joint in a single toke; just like Supermare would. If Supermare smoked weed. And was, like, real. The sun continued to rise as Green skipped along, humming to herself, when she emerged from the sparse forest and her face lit up with joy. She stood at the outskirts of a quaint town, sprawling out before her from around a domed building in it’s center. “This must be it! I’ve finally made it to Ponyville!” The green mare shouted, jumping into the air and pumping a hoof triumphantly. From her vantage point, Green Leaf eagerly took in the thatched roofs and little bridges that filled the town. It was much smaller than the cities she had lived in over the years, but that’s what made it so appealing. It looked like the perfect place to finally settle down in, find steady work, and get a place of her own. Maybe even make some friends! “Ponyville, my new home.” With confidence blooming behind her puffy eyes, Green trotted towards her soon-to-be home town. She was brimming with excitement; the prospect of meeting a whole town of new ponies and making real friends was enthralling. All she had to do was make a good impression this time... “I. Like. Big. Blunts and I cannot lie!” She began singing, from the top. It may have been the weed lingering in her system, but for some reason, Green Leaf couldn’t stop smiling. There was something about Ponyville she couldn’t quite put her hoof on, but deep down she knew she’d finally found the perfect place to settle down in. Unlike the cities of Equestria, the air here smelled so clean, and the streets weren't crowded with hipsters or yuppies. It was a paradise! Leisurely trotting through the streets, several strangers waved or wished her good morning as they went about their business. There were many earth ponies like her around, but also the odd unicorn, and even a few pegasi flying around above, gliding through the air with not a care in the world... Lucky bastards. For a while, all Green did was explore, adamantly ignoring the more privileged races. In passing, she caught little bits of a dozen friendly conversations and other pleasant, exchanges. Everyone sounded so nice, and friendly! Still wearing a borderline-creepy smile, Green suddenly came across something truly perplexing, and she had to stop and stare. “I might be high but... is that a life-size gingerbread house?” Green exclaimed aloud. Unlike the golden straw atop nearly every other building, the house in question clearly had a roof made of chocolate. Candy canes supported an alcove above the door and frosting gutters ran around the whole thing. Sitting on top was a giant cupcake, complete with pink frosting and three lit candles. “This must be the International House of Diabetes!”  Green joked to herself. Though she was laughing on the outside, on the inside, Green was furiously resisting the urge to scale the candy house and chew on its shingles. She knew it was (probably) not really chocolate, but it was still a difficult urge to resist. “What are you, new in town or something?” A voice asked, pulling Green attention (and her drooling mouth) away from the high-glucose home. Excited at the chance to talk to a future neighbor, Green Leaf looked around for the voice’s owner... but found only a small owl perched on a nearby fence.... and wearing a red bow-tie covered in gems. Ummm, what? Green cautiously confronted the strange (yet admittedly dapper-looking) owl. "Did you just, did you say something bird dude?” “Who?” It replied. “You. Did you just say something to me a moment ago?” “Who?” “What do you mean ‘who’? Me! I’m the one talking to-” Green stopped yelling at the bird when she heard the voice again. It was laughing hard, somewhere from above. The infuriating owl flew off with a last ‘who’, passing by a fluffy cloud with a blue pegasus sitting on top. The eavesdropping suck-face was struggling to keep her sides from splitting open. “Th-that never gets old!” She managed to say between gasping cackles. Green was about to explode on the prankster, but only just managed to reign in her flaring temper. It would be right, ans she was usually more mellow, but that damn bird... Anyway, getting mad was no way to make a good impression. “Hardy harr, good one you fu-uuuunny. That was... funny. Ya got really me good.” "You can say that again!" The pegasus said, her laughter now under control, then she lept off her cloud and glided down to the ground. Green Leaf’s eyes went wide in wonder at the sight; this pegasus had a mane and tail with every colour there is! It streaked behind her as she flew; like she was farting out a continuous rainbow. But, you know, in an elegant way. “And technically, Owlicious got you, I was just able to enjoy it, so thanks for that I guess.” She said as she landed, wiping away a residual tear. “The name’s Rainbow Dash by the way. You know, the greatest flyer in all of Equestria? And bearer of the Element of Loyalty. And awesome! Maybe you’ve heard of me?” She finished boasting, casually wiping a hoof on her proudly extended chest. “Uh, nope.” Green sullenly replied. In truth, she’d only actually heard half of what Django Dash had said; she was far too busy staring at her prismatic mane and thinking about how much it looked like her favourite Pony Floyd album cover. “What!” Mash cried out in disbelief. “How- how is that even- You can’t just... Wait! Didn't you said you were new here or something?” “I haven’t really said anything. Also my name is Green Leaf.” She extended a hoof to shanke, hoping inwardly that not all the ponies here were so... in-your-face. “Your mane is so cooooooool.” Nash waved a hoof dismissively, ignoring Green's friendly gesture completely. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. But look here; I gotta reputation as the most awesome pony in Ponyville, if not in all of Equestria!” With a few controlled flaps, she lifted off the ground and circled Green Leaf from above. Damn showpony, with her wings and butt rainbow. “Everypony knows it! And if you don’t know how awesome I am... Hey! Cut that out!” Unable to resist, Green Leaf pawed one last time at Sash’s colourful, flowing tail as she drifted by. “Oh, sorry, couldn’t help myself. Go on Sash.” “It’s Dash! Rainbow Dash! You see the problem here?” Rainbow Dash was clearly freaking out or something. Her bright colours made it hard for Green to focus. “...Not really?” The floating mare sighed in exasperation. “GaahhHHH! Fine, look. What can I do to convince you of my pure, raw awesome-ness? How about a crazy arial stunt? Or I can smash up some clouds? Well?” Green Leaf pondered that for a moment, when a familiar alarm going off in her head came up with an answer. “Oh! You know any good hemp shops in town? Or even better, any cheap dealers? I’m running low on grass, if you know what I mean.” While she did have enough pot to get every pony in the entire town higher than the tallest tower in Canterlot, it would probably be gone in a week or less. She does have pot leaves as a cutie mark, after all. Apparently it was Rainbow’s turn to be confused, because the look on her face was similar to walking into a haunted house and seeing a ghost enthusiastically fucking a light bulb. “How can you be low on grass? You’re standing on it...” Green applied a hoof to her forehead. Despite her cool looks and attitude, this pegasus was really square. “Uh, that's not what I meant. I’m looking for some... pot.” Maybe a little simplifying would do the trick? No dice. “Oh! I could take you to the market place! There’s a bunch of shops with different pots and stuff. That would be... awesome, I guess?” This time Green face-hoofed with both front hooves, which meant she fell to the ground in frustration. That’s just how quadrupeds work, y’know. “Not pots, pot! Like, marijuana?” Dash reverted to the confused, ghost-on-lightbulb face, obviously lost. “How about weed? Or dope? Cannabis? Hash? Chronic? Ganja? Bud? Dank? Sticky? Skank?” “I... don’t follow,” the hovering pegasus admitted. “Did you just call me a skank?” “Uuuuuugh!” Green moaned, covering her face on the ground. Maybe this town wasn’t going to work out after all. And she had been so sure earlier. “All I want is somewhere I can get my special crop!” “Wait, did you say... special?” Rainbow landed again and lifted a hoof from Green’s face, “cause... I actually have a friend who sells the best crop in town.” Ding! Looks like that ghost finally got it’s bulb to light up. “Really? You mean, like, special special?” “Oh, yeah. Trust me, it’s the best in town! I can even point you in her direction. Guess that would make me pretty... awesome, huh?” Rainbow pulled away, striking another overdramatic pose. Green smiled and got back to her hooves. Sure, this pegasus was a little out there, but everypony has their quirks. She should know. “I suppose it would, Dash.” To the side of an open town square, an orange earth pony stood behind her small, wooden cart. A large cutout of an apple sat on a green and white awning above her, shielding what looked like several bushels of apples from the late summer sun. To be honest, it wasn’t what Green Leaf was expecting. Drug dealers are usually a little less... wholesome. There was no way it was the wrong place. Rainbow Dash’s over-the-top need to be seen as awesome meant she wouldn’t leave until positive Green could find the place blindfolded. And find it she seemingly had; it just... wasn’t what she’d expected. “Maybe it’s a front or something? Like, hiding in plain sight?” Green said to herself. Unsure how to proceed, the alarms in her head were getting louder, and before she knew it, Green Leaf was walking over. acting as nonchalant as possible, she did a quick scan for cops, and spotting none, calmed down a bit. “Howdy, stranger!” The mare called out as Green neared. She wore an old cow-pony hat, like something from Appleoopsa out on the Equestrian Frontier. Most city ponies would have laughed at it, but Green happened to rather like Clint Easthoof, and the hat by extension. “Ah can tell, ya must be new here. Might Ah be able tah interest you in some of the finest apples this side of the Foal Mountains?” ...Apples? For a moment, Green considered trotting right on by, but then she remembered the whole front business thing and approached the wooden counter. “Why yes, I am new here. And, I was actually interested in buying some of your...” she scanned side to side for cops again, then lowered her voice to a whisper, “special crop. Rainbow Dash recommended you. Said you had the best there is. You... catch my drift?” The other mare must have picked up on what Green was putting down, because she cast a shifty eyed glance around as well, then leaned in and returned the whisper. “You betcha, pardner. I got what yer lookin’ for right here...” she vanished into her cart, leaving her potential new best customer alone, trying not to bounce on her hooves. Green Leaf was positively giddy with excitement. After a somewhat shaky start, things were looking up already. Even the alarm bells were slightly dulled by the prospect of smoking the best dope town. It had been nearly a half hour since her last toke, and she really didn’t like pushing things like this. Not smoking for so long made her all antsy about it. “Here ya go stranger, the special stuff!” The dealer said as she popped back up with... another bushel of damn apples. Green’s face drooped. “Ah normally save these for mah close friends and family, but a friend of Rainbow’s is a friend of mine! Name’s Applejack, it's a pleasure tah meet ya!” She held out a hoof to shake but Green could only stare at the unsmokable fruit with contempt. “Uh, you okay in there?” The alarms were going off like crazy now. “Applejack. Cause you sell apples, right?” The dirty farmer nodded and opened her mouth to speak, but was cut off by a wave from Green. She needed to smoke. Now. “Would you excuse me for just a sec?” Without waiting for a reply, Green dropped her bags and began the dubious task of rolling a joint. Screw the ponies walking around, all that mattered was getting sweet TCH into her lungs, pronto. “Uh, Ah never caught yer name...” Applejack said, peeking over the cart to see what the strange green mare was doing. “It’s Green Leaf.” She replied quickly. Not to intentionally sound so blunt (no pun intended), but even with years of practice, rolling a joint with hooves sucks hard. Trying not to think about how easy it with be if she had a horn, Green tore a nice little nugget and decided to strike up some conversation while grinding it down. Good impressions and all that shit. “So... uh, Dash is a friend of yours? She seemed... pretty nice.” Dumping the powdered pot into a paper, she began the actual rolling, allotting a small fragment of focus on Applejack’s drawling voice. Damn unicorns... “She can be, though she usually prefers to be a pain in the doody.” Applejack laughed to herself, earning a half-hearted courtesy giggle from Green as she worked intently. Heh, doody. This drew the farmer’s curiosity. “Say, whatcha got there? One of them... mini tobacco cigars they smoke out West?” “Sorta...” Green sealed the paper with a lick and popped the finished joint in her lips, igniting it with the lighter she hadn’t realized she was holding. A second later, the smoke filled her lungs and sent a soothing jolt through her whooooole body. Say what you will about the prudes in Canterlot, their drug standards are unopposed. Still inhaling, she stood up and the bells in her head vanished. “This is way better though.” As a courtesy, she exhaled away from Applejack’s face. Just because she wasn’t a drug dealer didn’t mean they couldn’t still be friends! May they could get together with Rainbow Dash and hang out or something sometime! “Uggh, smells funny to me.” Applejack confessed before Green got the chance to ask. “In fact, that don’t smell like tobacco at all.” The farmer added, using her hat to fan it away. “That’s cause it’s pot.” Green replied, taking another drag. “Like I said, better.” “Pot? Wait a minute, you don't mean...” The pistons seemed to struggle to fire in Applejack’s mind as she tried to place the name, like trying to start an old tractor with a flooded engine on some sort of metaphor farm. ”You mean Mmrijuana! Y-you’re smoking marijuana!” “Darn tootin'! Heehee, sorry couldn't resist. You want some?” Green held out the spliff, her high back in full swing. This could be the start of a beautiful friendshi- “No I don’t want some!” Applejack scoffed, and probably would have knocked it away, if she wasn’t so utterly shocked. “How can you just- Out in the open and- Isn’t that illegal!?” “Relax dude! Pot is decriminalized in Equestria, it’s only illegal to sell it!” Green took another toke and blew it over her shoulder, then leaned in close again, “So. Are you selling any pot?” “AH MOST CERTAINLY AM NOT!” Everypony was now looking over at Applejack stall. Some were already asking about the strange green mare and her smelly cigarette. They started with evident disapproval. A mother covered her foal's eyes and quickly lead him away. A stallion popped out af an oversized jar of jam and just shook his head. Wait... what? “You should probably go now.” Applejack growled. Green blinked in confusion, looking back to the angry farmer with hurt in her puffy eyes. "B-but I though, well I was kinda hoping we could-" "Didn't ya'll hear me?" Applejack interrupted, stepping out from behind her stall. "Yer bad fer business. Now go on, git!" With a hard shove, she forced Green away and chased her off, shouting about how Green should 'be ashamed' and 'what would her mother think?' Feeling crushed, Green could only gallop away as fast as she could into the unfamiliar town. So much for making friends. Sitting alone behind a thick bush in a secluded park, Green Leaf decided it was time to break out the big guns. The depressing encounter with the apple farmer had left a bad taste in her mouth, and fleeing from said farmer had left her joint-less, which could mean only one thing. It was bong time. In the shelter of the hedge, Green dropped her bags and pulled out her tall, purple bong. Even for a veteran pot-head like her, this thing was serious business. It had a much bigger kick than its relatively small size would suggest, hence its name; Ass-Pirate. If you weren’t careful, it would sneak up on you and take your booty, with no remorse or mercy. Yarrrr. But, rape jokes aside, it was the closest thing she had to a companion. She’d picked it up during her brief time in Vanhoover, and it had been her travel buddy ever since. Filling the fine glass piece with some of her drinking water, Green wisely packed Ass-Pirate’s bowl only a third full. She wanted to calm her mind, not banish it to the moon for a thousand years. Brushed her blonde mane out of her eyes, Green mentally prepared herself, then brought up the lighter and began inhaling. Ass-Pirate bubbled away as it filled with dense smoke, tinted purple by the glass containing it. When it looked full she pulled out the stem, and with a sharp inhale drew out the smoke. Oooooh yeah, that was the good stuff! Like a champ, she took it all and held it in... for about five seconds. Her lungs screamed and her eyes watered as they turned beat red, then she huffed out a cloud thick enough to make a dragon blush. Green broke into a fit of coughing, sending more smoke forth from deep within her chest. Slowly, she began leaning back until the vague feeling of grass on her back stopped her. And then there were only clouds. Pure and white, they floated by high above, past her big black one. The feeling of ground beneath her disappeared entirely as she joined them, soaring like a pegasus. They really are lucky bastards. The world slowed down and melted away, and for a moment, Green Leaf was utterly content. All the anxiety and apprehension from earlier dissipated, taking with it the memories of dick-head owls, self-absorbed pegasi and straight-edged farmers. Green Leaf was left alone with her hazy thoughts, high as absolute fuck. Like, higher than Cloudsdale. Higher than the Moon! Higher than- “Girls look! That bush's on fire!” Somepony said off in the distance. How was that possible? That would mean somepony else was just as high as she was.... “And Ah think Ah heard somepony coughin’ too!” Oh no! It sounded like the pony from before, that angry farmer Applejack. Only... her voice was slightly different. Meh, Green Leaf chalked it up to the lower air pressure and continued to float around, glad that Applejack wasn’t such a puritan after all. Maybe there was still a chance they'd be friends, if she was willing to get this high. “Well, what are we waiting for?” Another voice said, high-pitched and squeaky. Things sure were getting crowded in the upper stratosphere... “Cutie Mark Crusaders: Firepony Rescue Team!” All three voices shouted in sync. Before she could properly reflect on that odd statement, Green Leaf was ambushed from behind... it was the freaking bush!  The very bush she was using as cover, the traitorous swine! It pinned her down, pushing against her barrel so she couldn’t breathe. The bush was going to kill her! Struggling in vain, she tried to pry off its constricting tendrils, but it was not use. The bush was too strong! And Green was too high! It wouldn’t be long now. This was it, Green was about to... No wait, it was only a group of little fillies. Though to be fair, there were three of them, so they clearly had the numbers advantage. Also the bush wasn't homicidal. Can you imagine a bush trying to kill somepony on it’s own? That was absurd. “So, you three and the bush are working together to destroy me?” Green Leaf cried out, quickly piecing together the only logical reasoning behind the unprovoked attack. “We’re saving you from the fire, miss!” A white unicorn sitting on her chest stated while pumping up and down. “This will get us out cutie marks for sure!” Another filly said; an orange pegasus who was tugging at Green’s hind legs, to little effect. “Yer gonna make it through this, ma’am!” Said Applejack as she hoisted Green’s head up off the grass and pushed on her back. Looking back, the farmer appeared as different as she sounded, but with the same accent. Somehow in the last ten minutes, she’d dyed her coat yellow and her mane red. She’d also shrunk by a considerable degree. ...Maybe those really were special apples? The three continued with their inept rescue attempt, pulling on Green Leaf to get her away from a non-existent fire. “Uh.. Thanks?” She managed to croak out. It was the best her foggy mind could come up with, before asking the really important question, “How’d you get so small Applejack?” The miniaturized farmer stopped pushing, letting Green's torso fall back to the ground with a thud. “What? Ah’m Applebloom. Applejack’s mah sister.” “...Oooooh. That makes way more sense.” Green Leaf admitted, scraping her original idea as the trash it was. Applebloom doesn’t wear a hat, so she couldn’t be Applejack. Obvious, really. “Wait, I don’t see any fires back here...” the pegasus said once she’d actually taken a look around. “You’re right Scootaloo,” the unicorn replied, “there’s just this weird purple... what is that?” She jumped off Green and walked over to Ass-Pirate, prodding him with a hoof. “Hey! You be careful with him!” Green Leaf cried out, diving with all the coordination of a headless Hydra, and snatching the fragile bong from the filly's unworthy clutches. “Yeesh, it’s just a stupid vase...” The ignorant little shi- Uhh, nice little unicorn said. “And it stinks like garbage.” That little cun- “Woah, hold up there Missy, “ Green Leaf said, cradling her purple friend, “this here is way more that some dumb vase. This, little one, is a bong!” “A bomb?” The one called Scoot-a-dude asked, backing away fearfully. Wow, children can be really dumb. “No, BONG, for smoking weed? Geez, aren't there any cool kids in your school?” “Ya’ll smoke weeds?” Not-Applejack asked skeptically. “What the hay for?” “Because it’s... good?” Green wasn’t sure what to say. Most responsible adults in her situation would have ended the conversation long ago with a standard, ‘drugs are bad, don’t do them ever’. Green Leaf, however, is about the furthest thing from a responsible anything, so instead, she said, “You want to try some?” Yes, she offered drugs to children. But she felt really bad about it once she sobered up! And somepony explained to her why is was wrong. More than a few times. Maybe she's still a little foggy on the reasoning... The three fillies swapped hesitant glances amongst themselves, then turned back to the green stranger. “Can we get cutie marks for... weed smoking?” “Well, that’s sorta what mine’s for, see?” Green replied, showing her marked flanks to the foals in a way that most would call inappropriate. The kids still seemed a little unsure of the stranger shoving her rear in their faces, then the pegasus jumped into the air, attempting to fly by fluttering her little wings uselessly. “Let's DO IT!” The most-likely disabled filly cried. Her friends were quick to join her enthusiasm. Bless her disabled little heart. Five minutes later and Ass-Pirate was all loaded up and ready to unleash his uncompromising fury upon three underage fil- okay, probably shouldn’t finish that sentence. “Now, this thing can be a little... rough, so take it slow, got it?” Green sagely cautioned, filling only half a bowl for the three to share. Giving them more would have been just plain reckless. “Got it!” They chimed in unison, “Cutie Mark Crusaders: Weed Smokers!” Green Leaf smiled at the thought of helping the fillies with their crusade-thingy. If they actually got their cutie marks because of her, she’d basically be a hero in town! Plus, the one with the bow was Applejack’s younger sister. If anything could fix how their first meeting went, this was it. There was still hope for their friendship after all! It was with these thoughts in mind, not the apparently ‘blatant act of child abuse’ she was committing, that Green operated the lighter and gave each Crusader a little hit off her trusty bong. “Now, I’m told you don’t get high the first time you smoke,” Green said as the unicorn, Sweetie Belle finished off the bowl and exploded a coughing fit. “I personally don’t remember my first time, so... how are you girls doing?” There was no immediate answer. The little light-weights fell one-by-one, until they all laid sprawled out on the park grass, their mouths agape and eyes wide. “I feel... funny.” Applebloom said slowly, clicking her dry tongue. “Does that... I think it’s workin’!” “Yeah... Me too.” Scootaloo agreed, lifting a foreleg and letting it drop back onto the grass with a giggle. “Did we... Did we... Did we get our cutie marks?” Without warning, Sweetie Belle started laughing uncontrollably, kicking her legs and rolling in the grass. “D-did you just say...hahahah! Did you just say, doodie marks?” There was a slight pause, then the other two clued in and joined their baked friend in her unstoppable laughter. Green couldn't help but laugh as well, despite how awful the joke was. “Well, I guess my question’s been answered.” she said, packing a fresh bowl for herself. This is what she really needed, some good company she could be herself around. Even if that company happened to be children, Green Leaf was feeling much better about her prospects in Ponyville. As long as there were no more horrible fuck-ups, thing might just find a way to- “Sweetie Belle? Darling, are you still out here?” A mare’s voice called out over the empty park. "Oooh, oh no." “Applebloom? Lunch is on the table, where are you?” Another mare called out. It was unquestionably Applejack. Or possibly another sister. Or maybe, though highly unlikely, a clone of Applejack. "Noooo, no nonono.." Green thought, unable to stand and gallop away just yet. “Heeeey, can I have lunch with you Applebloom?” Sweetie Belle flopped onto her side, triggering another round of giggles. “I’m really, really hungry!” “I wish I had somepony to eat lunch with...” Scootaloo said. Though devastatingly sad, the statement was kinda spoiled by the huge grin on her face. “There you three are, I've been looking all over!” Another white unicorn cantered up, her gorgeous purple mane flowing behind her as she cantered majestically. She was the prettiest mare Green had ever seen, even more so than the most dolled-up, trophy wives Canterlot had to offer. “Umm, who is your... smelly friend?” “Hey, who you calling smelly, gorgeous?” Green shot right back, still grasping her reeking bong. The nerve of some ponies! “Rarity!” The smaller, less bitchy unicorn said. She tried to stand, but fell over before she’d moved an inch. “Help! I forgot how to stand up! And my middle name!” “What in Equestria is going on here?” Applejack said as she reached the group and spotted the mare she’d chased away from her apple cart. “You! What’re you doing with mah sister?” Okay, definately not a clone... Before Green Leaf could calmly defuse the situation, Applebloom spoke up and ruined everything. “Applejack! Did you know you can smoke weeds? And to think, we’ve been throwing ‘em away like suckers!” This is all in the past now, and there aren’t any hard feelings, but seriously, fuck that stupid kid. “APPLEBLOOM, get yer sorry flank over here NOW!” Applejack roared with the ferocity of a Manticore in heat. “We need to have a serious talk about taking things from strangers when we get home, lil’ lady!” Rarity, apparently a little late to the party, finally found the connection between her bumbling sister and the mare with a bong in her hooves. “You gave my sister and her friends marijuana!” She shrieked, pointing out what everypony already knew. “Woah, everypony just calm down. I was just trying to help them get their cutie marks!” Green said in her defense. She didn’t understand; they should be thanking her, or offering her some of that lunch, or something! “Oy, what’s going on back there?” A gruff voice asked, adding itself to the quickly-spiraling-totally-out-of-control situation. As luck would have it, a stern-looking police officer rounded the the bush. Ever have one of those days where everything goes right down the shitter? “Officer! Arrest this mare!” Rarity cried in an annoyingly high voice. “She’s one of those ‘dopers’ you hear about in Manehattan!” “Dope you say? Not in my town!” Removing a pair of hoof-cuffs from his belt, the cop advanced slowly. “Come along quietly now, ma’am. No need to scare the foals.” “AH DON’T KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING AND EVERYTHING TASTES LIKE YELLOW!” Applebloom stopped licking herself to shout. “Hold on, this is all just a big misunderstanding!” Green tried to reason with the encroaching ponies. “I'm not a monster, I just gave them a little bit each!” “Get 'er 'fore she corrupts more children!” Applejack shouted, spurring the cop to jump in with a flying tackle. Unfortunately for him, he was not a pegasus, so it wasn’t a very good flying tackle. What possessed him to even try one in the first place? Bravado and stupidity, most likely. Quick as a cat on cocaine, Green dived around the cop’s sloppy attack and broke into a three-legged sprint, Ass-Pirate held snugly to her beating chest. She pivoted around Rarity like a professional Hoof-ball player and made a break for it. “Ah don’t think so, doper!” It was that damn farmer again! She snagged Green’s tail in her mouth and yanked, tripping up the fleeing mare and sending her precious travel partner flying through the air with more finesse than the fat police officer could ever hope to achieve. “Ass Pirate! Noooooooo!” Green cried back as the purple bong fell... and smashed into a million purple shards on Applejack’s thick skull. Glass and bong water washed over the cowpony’s face and she released her grip on Green to scream some profanity about her mother’s fancy for an inbred goat. Ignoring the slight and her overpowering grief, Green’s instincts took over. Moving in any direction the cop wasn't in, she scrambled to her hooves and took off into the park. The police officer quickly recovered and followed after her, blowing on his whistle like it was his special talent. As she sprinted into the back alleys of Ponyville, local law enforcement hot on her hooves, friendless and now, even bong-less, Green Leaf couldn’t help but think the day could have gone better.