"Urrgh..." I groaned as I regained consciousness. My body felt like it had been run over by a bus that was filled with concrete while on fire. I cracked my eyes open and glanced around. I was lying on a table in what looked like some kind of laboratory. At first I assumed I was being experimented on, but started doubting that when I looked at myself and saw I covered in a blanket with a pillow underneath my head.
"Please, lie back down," pleaded a sweet voice. "You need your rest."
I shifted my gaze to look at my accommodator, expecting to see a small girl. What I saw was...well it was shorter than me I guess. And female. I think. It seemed feminine enough. It was a small purple unicorn. Well, small for a horse at least. She had dark blueish purple mane with a streak of pink down it on one side and large amethyst eyes. Naturally, my first thought came from Ataxia.
'Cool, our broken psyche has descended into hallucinations. When d'you think I can manifest myself in a physical form?
I didn't even want to try thinking about what he might look like, so I tried to compose myself and converse as calmly and rationally as possible.
"What the hell." Well I did say tried.
"I know I probably look a little strange to you," the unicorn tried to calm me. "Don't worry, I don't want to hurt you. I just want to ask some questions."
I suddenly realised something, and spoke up before she got started. "Me first."
"...okay." She seemed a bit disappointed. I don't blame her, I'd want to know who I am and how I crashed into the inside of my house as well.
"Thank you. Now, why am I naked?" It seemed that underneath the blanket I was completely nude. Don't ask how I didn't notice, I was in pain.
"Well, when Spike came and told me something crashed into the library I brought Fluttershy along because you might have been hurt. You were. Very badly. We stripped you of your clothes and were about to do some emergency healing spells when your wounds just...started healing by themselves. We even heard you bones crunch back into place."
My brow furrowed. There were many things about that explanation I didn't understand. Instead of trying to use my sore brain to worry about that I just asked another question. "Were my clothes bloody?" She nodded. "Then you must be washing them. I'd like then back when they're done."
"They're done now. I'll get them for you." She walked to the stairs that led to a doorway before yelling out. "SPIIIIIKE! COULD YOU BRING DOWN OUR GUESTS CLOTHING?"
"Sure thing Twilight!" came a voice from outside the door.
"Who's that?" I asked.
"That's Spike, my assistant," she said as she walked back towards the table. "He's a baby dragon." I just stared blankly at her for a moment.
"Sure why not. There are talking unicorns, why not dragons." I was resigned to the strange reality I seemed to be in.
She looked a little shocked. "You know what unicorns and dragons are? Do you have them where you come from?"
Well she tried to save my life apparently. Might as well let her play 20 Questions. "Yes I know what dragons and unicorns are, but no, there aren't any where I come from. They're actually just myths that most people thought were never true, just stories. Guess that was wrong. Where are we, anyways?"
"Oh, we're in Ponyville." Blank stare. "Equestria?" Another blank stare. "The middle of the world's largest continent, the most peaceful nation in the world?"
"Okay that proves it. I'm not from the same reality as you." She gave me a taste of my own medicine and just stared at me.
"How do you know that, exactly?" She finally asked.
"Because where I'm from, there are no peaceful nations. Particularly not in the largest continent." She looked stunned at that. "Before I got knocked out I was sucked into what looked like a tear in the space time continuum. Wait, do you know what that is?" She nodded, looking like I insulted her. "Good. Anyways, I think I was brought into an alternate dimension, or a parallel dimension, or an alternate reality. One of them. Not sure how, but unless this is a dream I can't think of anything else."
She contemplated this for a moment before nodding. "I guess that makes sense."
Suddenly a basket of laundry and a small green and purple lizard walked through the door and fell down the stairs.
"You okay?" I asked the small dragon that was mostly buried under a pile of clothes.. Despite his twitching leg he didn't look all that worse for ware.
"Yeah, I'm fine." He lifted himself out of my clothes. "So you're alive huh? You hit the bookshelf pretty hard. Actually left a dent it it. I'm just glad all the books were out of it. Looks like you never putting books back in their shelves actually saved them, hey Twilight?" The mare in question blushed and shushed him.
"So my wounds just...healed?" I asked. "That doesn't usually happen."
"It doesn't?" Twilight perked up, happy to hear some information about what I was. "I just figured that that's how your species works."
I shook my head. "Nope. We're basically just big, smart, hairless monkeys. And we're called humans. Homo-sapiens."
Her eyes widened. "You're...a human?!"
"Yeah...why? Is that a big deal?"
"Kind of...maybe. It's just that humans went extinct. Long before Equestria was formed. Before the princess was born, even. The only thing I've been able to read about them was that they were very violent. They wanted to enslave all other races." She seemed to be holding a more defensive stance now.
"Yeah, that sounds like humanity." We have always had the desire to control everything.
"But you've changed, right?" Spike asked with poorly hidden hesitation.
"Humanity as a whole tends to be a violent race. As our technology advanced the only thing that changed was how we fought. There has always been good humans and bad humans. It's just that the bad ones aren't afraid to do bad things, so they're usually the ones in control. Most countries I can think of have either had conflicts with another or are corrupt. Or both."
'And you wouldn't let me kill all humans.'
'Oh hey, I was wondering where you went. And I never said no to that, I said you could if we couldn't change humanity. Too late now I guess. Now shush, Twilight's talking.'
"That's horrible...did they....kill...all the other creatures?" I guess their society is more detached from killing. Makes sense, if most people were herbivorous ponies.
"No. We almost did, but as humans got smarter we developed agriculture and, more recently, started making efforts to restore forests and protect endangered species. Besides, humans are omnivores. If we killed all the animals most of us would have descended into cannibalism."
"Gross." Spike stuck out his fork-tongue.
"Quite."
"Wait," Twilight held up a hoof. "You're an omnivore? As in you eat plants AND meat?"
"Yeah. Don't worry, I don't need meat to survive, I just need some iron in my diet. I haven't even been able to afford meat for four months. Humans tend to be gluttonous. I am too, really. Just not for meat."
"Phew." She wiped some sweat off her brow.
"Except for lamb. I really like lamb." She gave me a look. "I won't eat any lambs, don't worry." I blinked. "Wait, are lambs even sentient here?"
"Yeah. Aren't they where you're from?"
"God no. I'd never eat a sentient creature. That's only a step away from cannibalism in my book. No, humans are the only sentient creatures on Earth. Except maybe dolphins. And cats. You look at them and they don't seem smart, but you know they're planning something."
'Damn it Ataxia get your paranoid ass back in here. No one wants to hear about your cat phobia.'
'Fine.'
As I took back over I saw Twilight nodding. "I guess it makes sense that humans didn't go extinct in your world if you were the only sentient ones."
"The lack of dragons made it simpler too. I don't particularly fancy meeting one of Spike's larger relatives, even if they're as nice as him."
"She keeps me placated with gems. Give me gems or I'll eat you." That earned him a glare from Twilight and a chuckle from me.
"Sorry, little buddy. I have to spend most of my money on food. I'd have to save for years to afford the smallest of gemstones."
"Aww."
I yawned. "How long was I out for, anyways?"
"About five hours."
"And no nightmares. I guess my mind was focussed on the pain. Anyway, I suppose I should get up. I don't hurt as much anymore, so I'll get dressed and come upstairs."
"Okay." Twilight said. And then didn't move. And continued to look at me.
I looked to Spike. "She always this oblivious?"
"You mean does she forget that she's supposed to give people personal space? All the time."
Luckily that caused realisation to sink into her, and she had manners enough to blush. "Oh! Sorry! We'll just wait upstairs for you! Okay bye!" She levitated Spike up to her back and promptly left the basement.
"Huh. So people can use telekinesis here. That's interesting."
'She's hot. D'you think she'd wanna-'
"NO."
'Aww, you never let me have any fun.
'That's because you'd get us thrown in jail, dipshit.'
"You're no better. Anyways, shut up so I can get dressed. It's freaking freezing."
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I got dressed quickly and made myself upstairs. I found Twilight and Spike sitting at a table, along with another pony, as I guessed they must have been. This one was canary yellow, with light pink hair. And wings. A pegasus.
'Is everything in this world some kind of mythological being?'
'You know that simply by asking that the world has changed to be exactly that just to spite you.'
'Wouldn't surprise me.'
"Hello." I said, making my way over to the table. The pegasi mare's head snapped to me quickly.
"Oh dear, are you all right? I was so worried, there was so much blood, I was afraid you wouldn't make it, and it would have been my faultandI'msososorryIwantedtomakeyoumorecomfortablebutwedidn'twantotmoveyouandTwilightsaidyouwokeupandIwantedtocomeseeyoubutshesaidyouweregettingdressedsoI-" I stut the faucet of words that was her muzzle with my hand, whith what I'm sure was an exasperated look on my face.
"It's fine, really. You did everything you could, and it turned out all right in the end. So don't worry." I took my hand off her mouth. "So, what's your name?"
"Fluttershy." she all but whispered. Well it seems more fitting now than it would have a moment ago.
"Hello Fluttershy. I'm JD." I was about to join the others at the table when the front door burst open, almost literally. The thing that came through was very pink, very loud, and very bouncy.
"Hey Twilight I heard Fluttershy was over here, are you guys having a slumber party, it's not very nice to only invite one of your friends unless maybe you're having a special two-pony slumber part or *GASP* maybe Spike was hurt and she has to spend the night here or-" She stopped in mid...paragraph...and mid-air. She was just standing in mid-air staring at me.
*GAAAAAASP* Zoom. She zoomed out of the door. Complete with sound effects. While still in mid-air. I turned to look at Twilight.
"Are you sure there are laws of physics here?"
"Not for Pinkie there aren't." She answered. I looked back at the door. She seems to have made confetti burst out of nowhere when she entered.
'I think I'm in love.'
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No more than five minutes later Pinkie came back, this time followed by three other mares.
"See, Dashie? I told you Twilight had an alien in her house!" She exclaimed while pointing at me.
"Oh cool!" The cyan pegasus with a rainbow coloured mane flew up to my face, grinning. "Where did you come from? Are you here to take over Equestria? How big is your ship? How fast can it go?"
I blinked. Guess she like aliens. "Five hundred and ninety nine million, five hundred and eighty four thousand, nine hundred and sixteen metres per second." She grinned wider for a second before scrunching up her face in confusion.
"Girls, just because you don't recognise what species someone is, that doesn't make them an alien," said a mare with a pure white coat and a purple mane. She had a horn like Twilight. "If he's visiting Twilight without notice then it's obvious that he's an important dignitary from a far-away country." She trotted up to me and held out her left forehoof. "Isn't that right, Mr...?"
I shook her hoof. It felt softer than I thought a hoof would be. "JD. And actually, they're right. I'm technically an alien."
Her eyes widened, then softened again. "Ah, then you must be an important ambassador for your people, introducing yourself to the star-student of the Princess." I could feel Twilight shifting in embarrassment behind me.
"Nope. Actually, I'm barely a step above homeless. Just got fired from my job this morning." She looked rather crestfallen at that, so I decided to play nice. "But for what it's worth, it's an honor to be the first human to meet you, Miss...?"
She smiled warmly. "Rarity." I smiled back and nodded at her before she was pushed to the side by an orange pony. Whose yellow mane was tied up in a ponytail. As was her actual tail. She was also wearing a Stetson hat. I heard the Southern accent before she even talked.
"Howdy, partner. Name's Applejack." She held out her hoof. Naturally I went to shake it. My shoulder still hasn't forgiven me. Before she let me recover from her death-shake she continued. "Ah run the apple farm just northa town. Feel free ta come by if you're ever feeling peckish. Or ya'll feel like providing some free labour." She chuckled as she elbowed me....wait, are they elbows or knees?
I smiled. "I think I'll pass. My last job was practically free labour as it was."
"Hehe, well don't be shy iffn ya change your mind." And then the pink oddity popped up from underneath Applejack, flipping her out of the way.
"Ooh, ooh, say something funny to me!"
And then Ataxia kicked me out of control. 'Don't mind if I do.'
"Well, for one you're just about the cutest singularity I've ever met."
She giggled. "Yay, he said something funny!"
He was about to continue before me and Wrath punched his proverbial face in.
"Hey, what's up with your eye?" Dash asked as I regained control.
"My eye?" I reached up to my right eye, but there was nothing wrong with it. "I don't know. Probably had an eyelash in it."
'Did you guys know about that? The eye twitching when we switch?'
'No.' Wrath said, bored.
'Yes.' Ataxia lied.
'Hmm.'
My contemplations were interrupted by the rainbow pegasus, who seemed to get over her brain braking and realised that she failed to introduce herself. "I'm Rainbow Dash! Future Wonderbolt and all round best and fastest flyer in Equestria!"
I raised an eyebrow. "Okay. Nice to meet you." She was obviously annoyed that I hadn't taken more interest in her. Which I found hilarious.
"So how'd you even get here, if you didn't come in a spaceship?" She asked, narrowing her eyes at me.
"Basically? A space portal." I said shrugging.
"Why d'you think I need a basic explanation, huh?"
"Because I don't know what happened exactly myslef."
Pinkie popped up again. Need to get a new blocker. "Never mind about that, Dashie! What's important is hat we've made a new friend!" My eyes widened. "And what's more, he's a new resident of Ponyville! And you know what that means! SO I've gotta get going! See ya, JD!" She zoomed out again.
"Anyone mind telling me what that was about?" I asked, pretty much used to the confusion at this point.
"I wish I could, Darling," said Rarity as she walked past me towards the door. "but she made us all Pinkie Promise not to warn- I mean spoil the surprise. Ta now. I was looking after Sweetie Belle before Pinkie dragged me off."
"....I'm not even going to ask."
"I've found that that's the best method to deal with Pinkie's antics." said Twilight from the table.
"Ah've gotta go too, sugarcube. If ah don't I'll be late for supper."
"It's only like four in the afternoon."
"Tell that ta mah Granny Smith. See ya'll later." I waved after her, not sure if she was talking about her granny or some apples.
"I'll be watching you." Said Rainbow Dash as she flew backwards towards the door, looking pretty cool until she hit her head on the doorframe.
"And, um, I need to go look after my animals. I'll be back tomorrow, okay?"
"Yeah, okay. See you then." She left, and then it was just Twilight and me. Spike was there too, but it looks like he had somehow fallen asleep. My shoulders slumped as I sighed.
"Crap."
"What?" Twilight looked over at me. "Is something wrong?"
"I just made friends, didn't I?"
"Um, I think so. Why?"
"Nothing. I can just tell this is gonna end badly. My friendships always do."
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NEXT TIME: THE PARTY PONY PARADOX!