Everyday trials and tribulations of Princess Celestia were a things of legends. Few dared to ask questions about the kind of hardships an immortal alicorn of sun had to endure to ensure peace and safety to her subjects. Very few knew that it wasn’t all that hard at all, at least not anymore. Day starts, she hides the moon and lifts the sun with simple spell (by simple, we mean “it takes only about a century to learn and master”), then some paperwork which, contrary to some beliefs, wasn’t a mountain of trivial stuff, but rather a small folder with most important reports. The trivial stuff, such as “what kind of forks to use” or “should the statue be imbued with emeralds or topaz” was up to nobles themselves. Princess Celestia learned over years that controlling everything was not only bad because “it limits the freedom of speech and stuff”, but because she’d go bonkers if she kept up with it.
That, and she wouldn’t have time for what’s really important.
Teaching new generation of unicorns the art of magic, for instance, was amongst her top priorities. She secretly regretted that earth ponies and pegasi magic was so innate, instinctive and easy to learn and teach, that she wasn’t needed in education process of two thirds of the population. She had nothing against unicorns, but last several centuries she hardly had any time or chance to meet anypony but unicorns. Rumors has it that she’s been favoring one tribe over another, which was of course a blatant lie. Most unicorns she knew were nobles, like her extended not official but still kinda sorta family and they were not necessarily the best company. And then there were the students of Academy for Young Gifted Unicorns. Said gifted unicorns were mostly nobles as well, but also talented fillies and colts from middle class families that were granted stipend to learn from the best. One such unicorn was now sitting alone in the classroom, uneasily looking over same book page for several minutes already. That worried Princess a little, as she rarely saw anything but enthusiasm over her work.
“Twilight, is something bothering you?” she asked gently, trying not to startle a purple mare. And failing, as Twilight gasped and shoved her book to the ground. She smiled apologetically and picked the book with magic, placing it back on the desk.
“N-no, everything’s fine, Princess Celestia. I was just, umm...” Twilight scratched the back of her head. Celestia sighed. So much time has passed since she became her student. Will she ever get over her anxiety? Hope dies last, they say.
“It’s quite alright, my dear student. If there is anything bothering you, don’t be afraid to talk about it.”
This was Twilight Sparkle in the nutshell- always worried about smallest things, like typos or non-perfect scores on her test. A perfectionist with little tolerance for her own mistakes, probably because she wants to impress her teacher and mentor way too much. Poor filly doesn’t realize that she’s doing more then she needs to, her zealous race for knowledge is in fact slowly burning her out, fatigue making her lose focus and closing her mind on so many possibilities. It’s a wonder she even has friends. Spike aside, how were Moondancer and Sunset Shimmer keeping up with her?
“Umm, Princess, it’s nothing really,” she starter blushing more and more “just... can I ask you something? It's a little embarrassing...”
Oooh, little Twily has a crush? Finally, I swear that filly had her libido swapped with another brain. Now it seems like there might be a stallion she likes, probably one of the students. Or, what if it’s a teacher? The new conjuration teacher, Red Blast, was an eye candy, nice personality, smart, funny and barely older than his students. That can’t be good, but nothing that can’t be fixed with some serious talk.
Or maybe it’s not a stallion, but a mare? Doesn’t matter, so long as she’s happy, so am I. Wait, don’t tell me... it’s me? Not again! Did I overuse the “dear student” too much? Was I showing too much affection, which is easily confused with romantic intentions? It doesn’t get easier no matter how often it happens.
“Could you please spare my brother and not banish him somewhere and throw him into a dungeon in a place where you banish him to?”
Pause. Ok. That was new.
“Did something happen to Shining Armor?”
“Well, no, not really, he’s fine, just... he was suspended today.”
Celestia blinked. Suspended? THAT Shining Armor? Aspiring guard, pride of Blitz Shield, BBBFF?
“Please explain from the beginning.”
“Punch her. In the face,” repeated Twilight Sparkle, right after 'that guy she talked with' just proposed the worst atrocity she could think of, save for eating roasted orphans. With mustard.
Shining Armor, on his part, could only do what he was doing all this day- whimper and scowl like a scum he has become in her eyes.
Twilight Sparkle was a calm pony. Conflict was not something she sought, but something she avoided. Her solution was simple- get up from her chair, leave a few bits to cover for her vanilla shake, then slowly leave. 'That other pony' did the same and walked after deadly silent little sister. He thought before was awkward, now it was downright tense, in the worst way imaginable.
“Twilight?” asked Shining Armor, which made mare before him stop in her walk and slowly turn around, eying 'that guy' with hostility. He continued “Umm, don’t you want to, you know, know the rest?”
“No.”
“But, Twiley please...”
“DON’T YOU TWILEY ME!” the usually calm and collected unicorn mare exploded “Y-you... you monster! TRAITOR! I... I don’t even know you. Who are you, strange pony following me for no reason? Get away from me or I’ll call guards!”
“But I am a guard...” answered Shining Armor with little less conviction then ever.
“No. You are a scum! Assassin! A... an idiot!” lashed Twilight. For those less observant, Twilight Sparkle has not yet had the pleasure of reading “Insults and Swearing 101” by Sailing Seas.
“Twilight, please, I’m your brother.”
“I HAVE NO BROTHER!” she screamed loud enough to alert everyone in Canterlot. Or at least, on this street. “I don’t know who you are stranger, stop stalking me. HELP, SOMEPONY, THERE IS A STALKHHHMPPPF!!”
Few ponies can talk with their mouths full of somepony’s hoof, and while miss Sparkle had many talents, that was not one of them.
“Will you PLEASE listen to me? Of all ponies, I hoped at least you would trust me.”
Twilight struggled for a moment, but finally calmed herself down just enough, to make Shining Armor un-strangle her without her calling for police. She fixed her mane and coughed.
“You have two minutes, mister.”
Shining Armor sighed with relief. He started with a question.
“Twiley, you know Princess Celestia better then anypony, right?”
There was no answer, as this question was about as obvious as color of the sky.
“Would Princess Celestia you know, EVER do something bad?”
“... No.” answered Twilight reluctantly
“So, if she would, for some inexplicable reason, do something wrong, like hit somepony without reason, or abuse her power...”
“Princess would never do such a thing!”
“Exactly!” announced her brother happily and continued with that train of thought “So, if for some reason it happened, IN THEORY, what would you think?”
That question was something she never considered in her life. Princess Celestia was the kindest, gentlest pony to ever exist, like a second mother to her, best mentor she could hope for, paragon of all that’s good and just. Since she couldn't answer, Shining Armor continued.
“Would this be the Princess you know and love?”
“Umm...”
"Captain Blitz Shield told me to think about my answer. So I thought, 'why would Princess do something like that?' and here’s what I came up with.
One, this is not The Princess we know, but impostor. A doppelganger, shapeshifter, changeling or whatever, something evil using her image for its own, evil plans!”
“Well, I guess, but how would it...”
“Two,” continued Shining “Princess Celestia is being manipulated by some evil force, like I dunno, Discord or some evil schmooze making her go bad. In that case, we need to take her down before any damage is done!”
“But schmooze doesn’t make you evil, it just is a lot of evil goo. And Discord...”
“And three, it is Princess, but she’s having a bad day and starts acting evil! So if somepony has to beat some sense into her, I’ll take all the responsibility!”
Twilight eyed her brother carefully, her brain gears moving along as she arranged the pieces. It actually made sense, what he said.
“Ok, so you had a reason.”
“Of course I did. Why would anypony just punch Celestia without a reason?” said Shining Armor, treating this statement like an obvious fact “Too bad Captain didn’t let me finish. He just up and screamed “YOU’RE SUSPENDED!” and threw me out. And then we got hayshakes.”
“You’re stupid, you know that?”she said with deadpan expression. After a short pause she smiled though and patted his head “At the very least you could start with something less... wrong.”
She extended her hooves and hugged the poor, silly big stallion, which was exactly what he needed at the moment. He hugged her back, glad that at least one pony is still on his side. Once they un-hugged, she looked at the clock tower nearby.
“Well, my break is over, so I got to go. I’ll talk with Princess Celestia, see if she can un-suspend you back.”
“Y-you’d do that? For me?” his eyed shined for a moment, as he listened to his little sister
“Of course. Anything for my BBBFF.”
“Thanks, LSBFF.”
“...and that’s pretty much it,” ended Twilight “So, please don’t execute him for being silly, please?”
As an initial answer for that, Princess Celestia started laughing. Not the unstoppable force that took your breath away, but still a laugh as if she heard a great joke.
Little known fact- Princess Celestia loves teen drama books. It’s a guilty pleasure of her, so much that few ponies ever discovered her shelf full of them, collected over a century since said genre was first established. Something about commoners and their small problems endeared almighty immortal ruler of all ponies, probably because she never got to experience it herself. Life of her subjects, her students in particular, was ten times more engaging then any book she ever read, due to its randomness and unpredictable nature. And while life of Twilight Sparkle was mostly uneventful, it was at least building up to something big. This moment right now might not be that, but seemed like a pretty good side story in itself.
“Your brother is indeed a weird pony,” said Princess once she regained her breath “I can’t help but admire his bravery.”
“Bravery?” asked Twilight
“In all my life, I have rarely met ponies brave enough to doubt me.”
She walked towards windows, passing her really puzzled student by. She looked at the courtyard- students all across the academy walking around, professor Silver Scroll being followed by a pleading colt, a group of older students talking about nothing or something.
“I lived for centuries. Saw many things, many of which are stuff but legends. Discord. Tirek. Nightmare Moon. Schmooze. Crystal Empire. Legion of Myrmidons.”
“Who?” asked confused Twilight, wondering which book she forgot to read
“Exactly. I was faced with many trials, learned a lot about myself, ponies, all the world. I am many things ponies say I am, but of all this, there is one thing they are all wrong. I am not, and never will be, perfect.
I’ve done many things I regret. Sometimes it’s not a big deal. Sometimes, it can be fixed. Other times...”
Princess Celestia went silent, a unique occurance. Not often did the almighty alicorn show some sort of weakness, like admitting to past mistakes. It was in rare feat altogether, especially among the royalty.
“I did a lot of bad things, that while ponies might not remember, I do.” she continued, her eyes looking deep into her from her students “Damage was done, and some injuries would never heal. Many times during those moments, after all was said and done, I wished there was somepony, some silly stallion who would come to me, punch me in the face and tell me to 'get a hold of myself'. I don’t know if I’d listen or what I’d do to him in response, but regardless...”
She sighed once again, looking at startled Twilight Sparkle with a face of seriousness, but also a small smile on the corner of her lips.
“Twilight Sparkle, your brother is a pony I wish to have by my side for as long as possible and, provided he can make a proper explanation for assaulting the crowned Princess, he may punch me when he sees it necessary.”
Twilight Sparkle. Confused. And yet, this was the second time the most nonsense thing she ever heard made sense, in a very strange way.
“So, will he go back to his work?” asked shyly
“That is up to Captain Blitz Shield to decide. But rest easy, I will be meeting with him later today and I’ll speak about it.”
“Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!” In a spur of the moment, Twilight jumped at Celestia and hugged her hard. Only seconds after the fact, she realized what she’s done and tried to get away, but a giant, white wing over her back and gentle smile forced her to stay like that a little while longer.
Prince Blueblood hated life. He hated wine. He hated parties. He hated filly scouts. Mud. Stains. Being Punched. But most of all, he hated the fact that despite having the best doctors in entire Canterlot, years of magical school, potions and enchantments of various kinds and no less than three painkillers, his nose still hurt like hell. He was walking through the castle corridors leading to Celestia’s study, naked all the way, since his new suit was, well, dead. Short life, but at least it was fabulous. Also, he hated those band aids on his nose, which were making him look and sound funny. Not the best way to present yourself to nobles he passed by, no doubt already plotting against him, spreading rumors and whatnot. If Aunt Celestia didn’t wait for him right now, he would just give up on life and hang himself on the front gate, just in spite to everypony. Or go sleep in his room, that worked too.
As he entered the office, she was already waiting inside, reading some book on a stand, probably to kill time before his arrival. He didn’t catch the title, but it seemed a little too modern for somepony as old as Celestia. Not like he cared about her personal life anyway. She closed the book and walked towards him slowly, greeting him with a nod. If she noticed the band aid, she didn’t show it.
“Good to see you, my dear nephew. Are you well?” she asked in a formal, but cheerful tone
“Ordinary day, Aunt. Why did you want to meet?”
Of all ponies to talk about his day, Celestia was probably the last one he wanted to inform of his adventures today. Probably because she would start by listing why he’s wrong, how it was somehow his fault and that he needs to change his ways. Worst part- he could never find a good enough counterargument.
“Please, sit down. There is something I would like you to do.” she showed him a few pillow by the table, as she telekinetically grabbed a few documents and continued ”I need somepony I can trust to run a few errands for me tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?” asked Prince, his voice slightly muffled by band aid “Is this about Summer Sun Celebration?”
“Bright as always. This year’s celebration will be held, as you probably already know, in a small town near Canterlot. In Ponyville.” answered Princess, as she unrolled a map of Canterlot and its nearby areas, small village of Ponyville visible just under the mountain.
“Ponyville? Not that I doubt you Aunt, but... seriously?“
Celestia raised an eyebrow.
“Is there something wrong with Ponyville?”
“Nothing if you want to set up a farm, open a factory or stop for supplies when traveling through trade routes to Canterlot, but for a Grand Annual Ceremony? That’s not exactly...” He stopped, looking for a good word, one that would signify how much he didn’t like the idea, but not to sound like he wanted to burn down a village full of productive workers. Which he didn't care about at all anyway.
“I understand your concerns, Nephew. You’re probably wondering why I chose a small rural town instead of a bigger metropolis, like Manehattan, or even Seaddle.”
“The question crossed my mind, yes.”
“I guess I could explain to you how it’s to establish a good relationship with common ponies, show them that even though I ruled for over milennia I still show appreciation for small societies, how I hope this event would be a landmark for next generations to come and all those other valid reasons, but...” she stopped for a moment, looking for a proper sentence. Blueblood rolled his eyes and continued for her.
“You want this day to be over with without fanfares and not travel half the globe?”
“Yes!” bursted Celestia, glad that her nephew knew that much about her.
“So, what am I supposed to do, then?”
“Ponyville has been going through preparations for an entire week already. I need somepony for a routine inspection, for formalities sake.”
Prince raised his eyebrow.
“And you chose me? Why?” Instantly after asking he wished he could turn back time five seconds and bite his tongue of. Why indeed, he was going to find out and he didn’t like what he was about to hear.
“Because quite frankly my dear nephew,” answered Celestia, her tone dramatically changing from cheerful aunt to stern teacher/mother “you are the only pony with time to spare on such a short notice.”
Please don’t say it.
“Since you have left the school, you have not found a productive job for yourself, spending all the time on, what exactly?”
Prince tried to word it right, find some explanation. Excuse. Something. But nothing came out, just like every time they talked. Celestia continued, even more stern this time.
“Oh, I remember now- nothing!” she answered herself dryly “You did nothing, other than partying, socializing and reading books. This has been going for too long.”
“Okay, fine, I get it, I’m a lazy good for nothing freeloader!” shouted Prince, crossing his arms and turning sideways “There, I said it, happy?”
And that is why he hated life, family and Canterlot in general. Each and every day just hearing about it made his blood boil and wish he was never born.
“No, I’m not happy,” answered Princess sadly, as she got up and walked around the table to meet face to face with her nephew “If you think that finishing the school was impossible or futile, so be it. But I can’t stand seeing you waste your life and time like that. If it’s time or help you need, I’ll give you all I can. But you must do something by yourself as well, even if it’s something as small as a little errand to a small town nearby.”
As always, he couldn’t argue with her. She was right and he felt pathetic even thinking that he can outsmart or outtalk a Princess. He finally resigned and answered shortly.
“Fine, I’ll go.”
Not like he had a choice in that matter. Princess Celestia cared a lot for him, but wasn’t above issuing an order, even to a family. And that’s what this was- an order, just worded in a way to sound harmless and convincing enough to not make anypony question her. At least, not openly. He was about to leave and forget this conversation (at least until tomorrow) and leave the room before it gets even worse. But just as he was about to open the door...
“By the way nephew, what happened to your nose?”
Well, buck. He sighed deeply and turned around to face her close enough so she could see it up close.
“What happened, my dear auntie, was one of your guards,” started Blueblood “To be precise, his hoof. Straight into my nose, in bright daylight, right there in the middle of the street for no reason at all!”
Princess Celestia took about half a second to widely open her eyes and gasp. So he was the unlucky noble that had the pleasure to meet Shining Armor on his worst day. Canterlot is way smaller then she thought.
“Oh my, a royal guard?” asked Princess, feigning ignorance and stifling a giggle “Why would he ever do that?”
“Well my dear auntie, maybe you should raise the requirements for ponies joining the royal guard. Maybe, I don’t know, give them a brain inspection. To see if they have any. Apparently, not all ponies are equipped with one, contrary to what they taught me in class.”
Princess Celestia was seriously fighting an urge to giggle.
“Here I was, walking the street in my new suit, minding my own business,” continued Prince, oblivious to the fact that Princess was covering her mouth not out of shock, but to hide her grin “when a little rascal splashed it with mud. MUD! And when I was trying to talk to her, some guy walks and punches me, no questions asked, no warnings! Can you believe that?”
“Hardly, nephew, hardly.”
“How can you allow such... such BRUTES to even walk among the streets?! What’s next? A killing spree in orphanage? Next thing you know, he’ll walk into throne room and punch you!”
“BWAHAHA!”
Just as soon as she exploded with laughter, she held her hoof at her mouth. She looked around, trying to find and excuse.
“Oh my, so much, erm, dust around. Makes me sneeze all the time,” she smiled innocently “Achoo.”
Blueblood just stood there, with puzzled look on his face. She smiled widely. They looked each other in the eyes, him not buying it, her knowing that but still smiling innocently.
“I’ll just go back to my room now.” said Prince, as he slowly moved towards the door and opened it with small telekinetic push. She nodded and said nothing in response.
And then he left, allowing Princess to take a breather and calm herself down. This kind of development in real life was just too good. Coincidences like that don’t happen for no reason and there was no way Princess Celestia was going to waste this one. And a plan was already forming in her head.
Even later that day, in throne room, after getting through all her duties, Princess Celestia was facing one last point in her daily schedule. Normally it was a boring formality, but this time she was really looking forward to meeting with Captain of the Royal Guard. Blitz Shield himself was, as always, stating the daily report, which usually consisted of “nothing, nothing interesting, not much and nothing”, in that order.
“And that concludes my today’s report. Permission to leave?” saluted Blitz Shield, awaiting approval to leave the room. No word about Prince Blueblood or Shining Armor. He probably wanted to avoid spreading the news even further.
“Before you leave, Captain.” she stopped him
“Yes, your highness?”
“There is a matter of Private Shining Armor and my nephew.”
Blitz Shield opened widely his only eye, then sighed, gulped and braced for impact.
“Your highness, I take all take all the responsibility for...”
“Captain,” she interrupted him with a hoofwave “I need you to clarify something for me first.” he looked at princess with frightened expression, as she continued “Is it true, that when asked about the incident, Shining Armor used the words, let me paraphrase “punch Princess Celestia in the face”. Is that correct?”
Captain Blitz Shield was old, especially for a soldier. He awaited his retirement eagerly, being able to spend more time with his wife and daughter he barely ever saw due to his tight schedule. Hopefully he wont spent rest of his days in prison.
Princess noticed his tension.
“At ease, Captain. I assure you, there will be no further punishment for either of you.”
Blitz Shield sighed with relief.
“I do have to ask you, Captain, what is your opinion of Private?”
Blitz Shield took moment to think. Last week was Shining Armor's worst time of the service, but he couldn't judge him based on that alone. So he answered.
“He is a hot blooded, stupid excuse for a royal guard who causes troubles when not thinking and disasters when actually thinking.”
Celestia raised an eyebrow and waited for more. There had to be more.
"That said, he is a prime example of what a royal guard should be otherwise. He excels at physical activities, has a strong sense of justice, doesn’t go for compromise when executing the law, has a strong heart, leadership skills which he demonstrated during training course, along with loyalty to crown and his comrades.” finished Captain proudly.
“You make it sound like he’s your best stallion.” asked Celestia with curious tone.
“He is. From the moment he entered the academy, I saw the limitless potential inside him. But... “ he paused for a moment “If it was just the Blueblood incident, I’d let him off with token punishment. If the whole “punching princess” thing had been between him and I, alone in my office, I would send him for one hundred laps around Canterlot and forget about it,” announced Blitz Shield, fully aware of what he was saying and who he was talking with “But,” he continued, but this time with much more serious tone “in the eyes and ears of forty other guards, I could not let him go like that. What kind of example would I be giving to my men? That it’s okay to bend the law? That there won’t be any consequences for assaulting the crown?“
“I believe he had his reasons, Captain. Did you even hear him out?”
“That is irrelevant, princess. If there ever was a drastic moment like that and it proved to be a correct action, then it’d be forgiven in special instances. But that is a one to milion chance, not something I wish to implant to all my recruits. “Buck the system” is a great slogan for a t-shirt, but not something to live by, especially for law enforcement.”
“I don’t know, I would probably buy the “Punch the sun” shirt if there ever was one.”
For a moment there was a pause. Princess Celestia stood there, smiling from her great joke, while Blitz Shield just stood there, confused. Seconds passed and Celestia started doubting her humor and was about to apologize, when he burst out with laughter, Celestia joining him as well. After a good few seconds their laughter slowly faded away and they caught their breaths once again. Captain coughed twice and regained his seriousness.
“Princess, I will not undo the suspension, especially not after the word spread around the castle. Once Private Shining Armor learns his lesson, he’s welcome to resume his duties.”
He really did cared, thought Celestia. She knew he had a soft spot, especially for promising recruits, but this big, muscled one eyed pegasi was a big softie inside.
“I never told you to undo the suspension," she said calmly. Blitz Shield raised an eyebrow “I trust your judgement in this matter, Captain” answered Princess Celestia, as she walked toward her Captain and put a wing over his hoof.
“I would like to borrow Private Shining Armor for a certain... errand. If that’s fine with you.”