“… Well, am I wrong?”
“No, no. You are completely correct. They should have done that.” She says with a small laugh. “That’s the first time I saw someone from the Royal Guard tremble in fear!”
I think it’s safe to say after I’ve been told that I just flew over the gates of hell, another outburst erupted from me. I knew that Tartarus had an entrance near Ponyville, mind you. It’s a common phrase every Canterlotian knows…
‘To live in Ponyville you have to be either crazy enough to live by the Gates to Tartarus or unable to afford Canterlotian rent.’
I lost it because of the fact that we flew over it and not AROUND it like anyone with a brain would have done. Granted, being above the clouds so the beings of the damned can’t see us was not a bad idea, but I would have preferred an extra 15-minute journey to avoid the fiery hell pit as my rant explained to the bumbling idiots known as guards in a more aggressive tone.
So anyway, we’re here. Ponyville; Homeplace of the Elements of Harmony and their Bearers; Land of the very generic thatched roof cottages; Town with the worst name in the universe. No wait, told a lie. Appleoosa takes that title, but Ponyville’s a very close second.
My new neighbours are staring at me for some reason. I’m willing to assume it’s because I’m a new face in town following their Royal Princess. I see a few of them whispering to each other, noticing I’m watching them, smile nervously and bow, wait till they think the coast is clear and start whispering again.
“Looks like our visit is turning a few heads.” I say to my… well, I think I should call her my teacher by now. She is, after all, teaching me this friendship malarkey.
“Figures,” My teacher smiles. “Usually, Pinkie Pie organizes a public party for practically anything, especially new faces coming into town. However, I made her promise to make your welcome a private affair, only you and the six of us. Maybe she forgot to notify the townsfolk.”
Ah, so the staring and whispering are not really about me, but the confusion on the lack of party. I’ve got to be friends with these assholes.
“Hang on. The six of you? You mean… THE six?”
“Well, yeah.” Twilight says, turning back at me.
“Who else but the Elements of Harmony to teach you how to get friends?”
“Well, yeah I can see that. But… I’ll be the only colt there.”
She looks back at me a tad quizzical. “So? You can have ponies of opposite gender as friends, Wound.”
“I only know one female that I can hold conversations with. That’s a statue… Also, I only do that drunk.”
“Oh… well, you seem to be fine with me.”
Huh. She got me there. I will not let her have the last word, however.
“Maybe it’s out of fear - sorry, ‘respect’.”
She couldn’t help but laugh again, a tad larger than last time, but not by much. She is getting used to me at an unusually quick rate.
“So, this is your new place.” The alicorn points towards a giant tree, decorated with windows, balconies and a red door. It doesn’t look like a library, but it does stick out compared to the other houses.
“All righty, then. Let’s go in and pack before the party ge-”
“SURPRISE!”
“OH FU…
…If you ever do that again!”
As I snap back to reality, there were four ponies in the library. The one closest to me, who appears to be covered in cotton candy, is standing blissfully unaware and for the moment surprisingly still. Unlike the light blue Pegasus, who is shaking in her seat in rage by the table. Contrasting her, in an orange coat, is an earth mare who is frozen in between two sips of her juice box. Finally, I see a couch with a fainted unicorn on top of it.
I have a feeling I did not make a decent first impression. The look on Teacher Twilight agrees.
“Are these things usually twice in one day?”
“Not usually, no.” Nice to see she can now tell the difference between usual me and 'Black-out' me.
“Oh! He’s already here!”
This exclamation came from a yellow mare carrying a bowl of salad out of the kitchen. She slowly puts the bowl down onto the table and flies towards me.
“Hello. My name is Fluttershy, the Element of Kindness…” She looks around towards the other ponies, still unmoved.
“Did I miss anything?”
“Yes.”
“Am I better off not knowing?”
“Yes.”
“Okay.”
Twilight gave a heavy step in the hopes of snapping her friends out of their shell shock.
“Okay girls, let’s introduce ourselves!”
It didn’t work.
“No need. I can take a guess. The one who almost gave me a heart attack when I came in is Pinkie Pie, the Element of Laughter…”
“Hi!”
“The one looking like she’s about to kick my teeth in is Rainbow Dash, the Element of Loyalty…”
“… Yeah, it is.”
“The one frozen with a juice box in her mouth is Applejack, the Element of Honesty…”
“Howdy”
“Which leaves the one passed out on the sofa to be Rarity, the Element of Generosity.”
Her head rises up.
“A pleasure to meet you, Mister Woundsalt.”
“Likewise.”
As I sit myself down at the table, I figure I should stay quiet unless spoken to from now on. A fairly good strategy, as the friends talk to Twilight on what she missed during her week of absence. Idle chitchat should calm them down before any of them dare attempt to talk to me again.
As I look around, I discover that this library is humongous compared to how it looked outside. All I see so far is this round room with books on shelves and floral patterns on every surface, and it makes me wonder if the princess has some dimension altering spell on this place. I can’t help but notice three large boxes hidden under red cloth on the other side of the room, one of which is on it’s side as the other two stand by the sides of it. A bit large for housewarming party gifts perhaps, but hey what do I know. They are the friend professionals here, not me.
“So Woundsalt,” Rarity says with a relaxed tone as she pours the content of an apple juice box into a cocktail glass.
“Are you by any chance the same Woundsalt of The Canterlot Horn Poetry Corner?”
Fuck. I got found out.
“The one and the same.”
“The Canterlot Horn?” Twilight asks. “What is that, some magazine?”
Huh. The bookworm doesn’t read magazines. Who knew?
“It… was. I’ll tell you the full story.
When I was eight, The Canterlot Horn was just a monthly magazine for musicians. Then some genius from up top thought it was best to expand towards other art forms. To celebrate this change, they organized a child prodigy competition. The winner gets to have the front cover and a deal to excel their career. Brainstorm, without my permission, entered some poems I written during time out sessions. I didn’t win, but the girl who did felt sorry for me or some shit like that. She told the magazine she just wanted to be on the front cover and persuaded the producers to make a deal with me instead. This deal became the Poetry Corner, which I was a permanent writer for until the magazine got bankrupt and got cancelled; On my twenty-first birthday too. That was a fun night at the bar.”
I look around and see exactly what I expected. All six mares looking incredibly bummed by my sad story. Maybe I should start a new topic before they start hugging me.
“So… Rarity, how did you know about the Horn? I don’t exactly remember it being distributed outside of Canterlot.”
“Hmm? Oh just socialising with new residents. A lot of Canterlot artists live in Ponyville, Darling. They call themselves ‘Canterlot Renters’ after ‘The Common Phrase.’” Rarity explains.
“Do you have any idea what that means? Every time I ask them they just giggle.”
I giggle and look towards her alicorn friend.
“Do you want to tell them? I feel like you’d do a better job explaining this.”
“Yeah…” Twilight starts uneasy.
“Well, Canterlotians have a saying that there are only two reasons to live Ponyville. You are crazy enough to live by The Gates of Tartarus or you can’t afford Cantelrot rent.”
“Crazy? Aw now c’mon!” Applejack exclaims,
“Nothing comes out of that thing!”
“What about that time Cerberus, the dog of Hades came into town?” Rarity asks her country bumpkin of a friend.
“Okay, sure. But he didn’t even injure anybody and was taken care of pretty easily!”
“Some ponies are just afraid of a giant fiery hole in the ground, Applejack.” Fluttershy says in her whimpy manner.
“Quite personally, I’m surprised they don’t talk about what comes out of Everfree Forest...”
I fade out of the conversation to examine the library surrounding me a bit more. Hopefully, I can find that book Twilight was talking about, and mark it in my mind to find it later. Ah, there it is, last book on the shelf by the power cord! Wait… that power cord’s coming out of the boxes. In fact, a lot of wires and chords are around those boxes. I have a feeling they’re not presents for me anymore.
“Hey, Woundsalt.” Says a now calm Rainbow Dash.
“What did you say to Twilight to make her think you have a magical connection to books?”
I look at teacher Sparkle.
“Am I allowed to tell them this? The fact I somehow know about was enough to make Celestia go MI6 on my ass.”
“Uh… Sure! Celestia can trust us to keep this a secret, right girls?”
“Right!” the girls shout in unison.
“Okay… Apparently, I seemed to mention a scroll that stated the fall of some old Pegasi civilisation, which Celestia kept secret from everyone but Twilight and other princesses for… some reason.”
“Wait… Old Pegasi civilisation? That sounds familiar…” Dash ponders. “Hey Flutteshy, wasn’t there a… Fluttershy?”
The one known as Fluttershy is currently hyperventilating on the floor in a fetal position.
“No. No. It can’t be. It’s not true. Impossible. Ironsight isn’t real. Ironsight isn’t real.” She says during deep breaths.
Twilight can only stare at her friend freak the fuck out for a few seconds, before she asks,
“Wait a minute. Fluttershy, how did you know about Ironsight?”
“Oh… THAT Old Pegasi civilisation.” Rainbow Dash says unhappily. “Twilight, you better stay in your seat. We got some mind blowing stuff to tell you.”
Ugh. I really don’t want to get hear anymore about this Chariotoran bullshit right now. Perhaps the Non-flying ponies might give me a conversation. Pinkie Pie seems to be not involved with what Rainbow Dash is talking about. Maybe I should ask her about the boxes, see if she knows what they are. She’s the one who organized this thing, after all.
“Hey, Pinkie? What’s with those boxes over there?”
“Hmm?” Pinkie asks she snaps back to reality from the blank oblivion she was staring into.
“Oh those! They’re the DJ’s equipment from when I was organising your ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ party! But then Twilight told me to cancel her for a more quiet party… It’s … fine. I guess.”
Ah, so it’s a couple of speakers and a turntable that some disc jockey left behind by mistake. Okay, I can see that.
“Yeah… I know it was for my benefit why she wanted it like this, but I wouldn’t mind a DJ.”
“Right?” Pinkie squealed in a very highly-strung manner that makes me question the sugar content in the juice. “And with all the changes in your life in the last twenty-four hours you deserve more than one party! At least four! At once!”
“Four at once? No way is that physically poss-”
“WITH A CAKE FOR EACH PARTY!” She shouts as she takes drawings from… actually I don’t know where. Nor do I care; because these pictures showed the most extravagant cakes I’ve ever fucking seen. It’s almost as if they’re trying to out-fantastic each other to earn a place in my heart. All decorated with different designs and lettering.
The first is in the shape of a bunch of suitcases and bags with ‘WELCOME TO PONYVILLE!’ written on the top one in large friendly letters. The second cake looks like a large broken whiskey bottle made out of broken glass with ‘WELCOME TO REALITY!’ written around it. That's rich coming from what I heard about Pinkie Pie. The third cake was a standard cake decorated with candy moulded in the shape of magnifying glasses, deerstalkers and pipes. Judging by the inscription of ‘THE HUNT IS ON!’ on top of it, I can safely say this was to be used to celebrate the beginning the search of my parents. How did she know th…
Hold the fucking phone. What the fuck is this?
The last cake is a Sky blue 3-foot tall tower with two words I thought I never see in my entire life in this combination.
YOU’RE ADOPTED!
“Uh… Pinkie? Sorry to critique your fine work and all, but I’m not adopted.”
“Yeah, you are, silly! Twilight adopted you!”
“Ah no see, I understand the confusion but Twilight just sent me here. There is no need to adopt me. Why should she adopt me?”
“I don’t know but I have the certificate right here, see?” Pinkie smiles as she grabs another sheet of paper from… fucked if I know. Or again, care. For what that she had is a legitimate adoption certificate from Saint Diamond Heart’s.
This Certificate is to signify that I,
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
am now the legal guardian of
WOUNDSALT SPARKLE
Under the eyes of Princess Celestia and Saint Diamond Heart Orphanage.
“…TO ALL WHO NEED IT MOST”
“Spa… Spaahaha… Woun… Woundsalt… Sparkle?”
“Wound?” Twilight asks quietly, even though she’s at the other end of the table.
“Do you need some time to yourself?”
“Yes Please.”
“Bedroom’s upstairs to the right.”
“Thank you.”