Of all the people I expected to randomly show up, Daring Do wasn’t terribly high on the list. Of course, I should have seen it coming; all this talk about a powerful artifact being stolen by somebody who more than likely wanted it for their own nefarious purposes and an intrepid adventurer like Daring was bound to show up. Being the genre savvy meta-master I am, I could take a good guess as to where this was going.

“I’m sorry; I wasn’t expecting anyone else at the citadel today. Who might you be?” Cadence politely asked, despite our visitor’s impromptu interruption.

I decided to defuse the situation lest it become some kind of shouting match, something the Princess would win anyway; the Royal caps lock and all.

“I know who she is. She’s Daring Do; famed explorer and purveyor of ancient and abstruse artifacts. I believe she has a book series detailing her adventures” I explained for her uninformed highness.

‘A fictional series inside of a fictional show, oh the irony of my situation’

Before I could ruminate further on the similarities between the Daring series and the itchy and scratchy series story within a story, she spoke in a mollified tone.

“Good to know I still have fans even this far north. And feel free to add extraordinaire to all those titles” Daring somewhat pompously ended her statement as she left her spot by the chamber entrance and stood near me by the foot of the Crystal throne.

“However, I wouldn’t call them adventures so much as complicated expeditions” She clarified, giving me a dismissive passing glance.

The Princess expressed her apologies, “Forgive my ignorance; I hardly have time for much reading at my leisure these days. Although I must ask as to the reasons of your presence here” She stated in a commanding tone.

‘Apologetic one moment and authoritative the next. Gotta hand it to her, this Princess does not frivolously prolong the pleasantries’ I thought with approbation, believing that having a firm hand in matters is best.

“Thought you might ask that, it’s why I brought this” Daring reached into her left chest pocket and took out a palm sized medallion that she casually tossed to the Princess.

“I’m here on the authority of the Concordia Institute of Archaeology tracking a nemesis of mine who managed to reach that codex you mentioned earlier before I did. I figured with that information, this was the next place he would go. Lo and behold, he managed to nab the Chalice too” She concluded by gesturing with her hands in a sweeping motion.

“Just how much of our conversation did you eavesdrop in on?” I asked, feeling perturbed.

“Enough to know confirm my suspicions of my counterpart’s next move” She sighed in minute exasperation while crossing her arms.

The Princess listened attentively while she examined the official seal she caught with her levitation. Seeing telekinesis for the first time was pretty cool, even if the object lifted was encompassed in an overly feminine pink aura. I felt a miniscule pang of jealously of not being able to emulate such a simple yet marvelous feat of magic. I shoved such thoughts to the back of my mind in order to hear what the Princess had to say in response to Daring’s reasons for her appearance in her Kingdom.

“So you’re the agent the C.I.A informed me would assist in this matter” Cadence said as she levitated the seal back to the grizzled explorer.

I did my best to stifle a chuckle at that, seeing the irony of this world’s Indiana Jones working for the C.I.A; this land never ceases to find ways to amuse me.

“Zenith” I snapped out of my little mental soiree just as the Princess directed her focus on me, “Since you so graciously decided to aid in returning the lost Chalice, you will be working alongside Miss Daring Do. Listen to what she says and keep each other safe” She instructed.

“Woah woah woah!” Daring exclaimed, “With respect, I work best alone your highness. He’ll just slow me down” She pointed a thumb in my direction like I was dead weight.

I expressed my disdain automatically, “What am I? Chopped Liver? I just got back from slaying a freakin’ snow dragon! I am not some otaku who’s been sheltered from danger his entire life!

“Otaku?” They both asked in confusion at my outburst, befuddled by the foreign word.

“It’s derogatory slang for a homebody” I seethed through gritted teeth. ‘I am SO much more proactive than that!’

“I’ve been meaning to thank you for that, you managed to lessen my burden and excise a threat to my kingdom and for that I am most grateful” Cadence spoke in a reconciliatory tone whilst holding a hand to her rather fulsome chest. ‘Whoa there champ! Not safe for work!’

The Princess then shifted back to Daring, “I understand that you prefer doing most of your work solo Miss Do…”

“Call me Daring, Miss Do is too formal for my blood” Daring interrupted brusquely, to which Cadence nodded and continued.

“…Very well Daring. But Zenith here has agreed to help retrieve the stolen chalice as a personal favor to me; I therefore believe his chances are best with you. Furthermore, as a Valkyrian I assure you he can keep up the pace” The Princess keenly pointed out.

At that Daring adopted a relatively sheepish look on her face, “He might actually be faster than that your highness. You see… I might have taken a crossbolt to my right shoulder blade on my last journey; the Marabian Sultan doesn’t care for intruders in his private library” She gave us a knowingly false simper while she rubbed at her shoulder; wincing as she hit a tender spot, “So my own wings will be out of commission for a while until that fully heals”

I had read about that, turns out that a Valkyrian’s innate connection to their wings can be physically disrupted by severe injury. Particularly the parts of the body where the wings themselves are projected, such as the shoulder blades. As such, a Valkyrian’s shoulders are rather sensitive to the touch; I knew mine were.

“So I might be able to offset that significant disadvantage. Not so useless now am I?” I gave Daring my best impression of that one iconic SpongeBob face.

“I didn’t know you were Skyborn!” Daring said defensively, “What self-respecting Valkyrian keeps his perfectly good wings dispelled anyway?” She asked with some frustration evident in her voice.

Another thing about the Valkyrian people is that they tend to be very proud of displaying their wings. So social wise, a Valkyrian keeping their wings hidden is often seen as being ashamed of their gift by other Valkyrians. A bit of foolish pride I know, perhaps it’s one of the reasons the Skyborn clan historically had such good ties with the Griffin Kingdom overseas. I liked my wings just fine, but I had my reasons for keeping them concealed. I decided to make them known to the hotheaded trailblazer.

“I keep my wings dispelled because I don’t like the attention they attract in an almost entirely agrarian kingdom; it makes me feel like some kind of novelty” ‘That and I prefer anonymity’ I thought on the side.

“I understand that sentiment completely” The Princess added her two cents (or is it bits?) “I also feel as if my wings distance me from my subjects. I want to be seen as one of them and not just as their ruler. If that means keeping myself visually indistinct from them, then so be it”

“I guess I can understand that when you put it that way, but I don’t mind the limelight myself” Daring sighed and folded her arms once more, “Fine, you can tag along. Just don’t expect me to pull your ass out of the fire if this thing goes to hell in a hand basket, which it usually does” She grumbled the last two parts.

‘That makes one of us I guess’ I mentally groaned, ‘When did life get so contentious?’

“Then it’s settled! I suggest conducting your search in the vault where the chalice was stolen” The Princess rose and descended the steps from her throne.

We complied and side strafed a few steps while Cadence stood facing the foot of the throne and concentrated. As she did so, I saw purple ghost like wisps protrude from her eyes and the light around her face darken considerably. She elevated a finger and pointed it at the main crystal jutting out of the stalagmite constituting the base of the throne chair. A surge of bona fide dark magic sprang forth from her index, zapping the crystal and turning it from lavender purple into a shady black. A shadow then proceeded to cast itself over the floor in front of the throne, revealing a hidden staircase which spiraled into the depths beneath the citadel.

Once Cadence had finished casting the spell, she wobbled to a degree and put a hand to her forehead. As if casting the spell gave her a headache, which I didn’t doubt.

“Ugh, I abhor having to use that dreadful spell. But alas, it’s the only way to gain direct entry to the lower levels of Sombra’s underground keep” She lamented.

“It only costs one momentary migraine as a toll. I’ve contemplated having the Concordian gateway mages look into solutions for fixing the arcane mechanism tethered to the throne’s cornerstone, but I seldom have need for anyone besides some of my guards to be stationed there. And the Concordian gateway mages are surprisingly encumbered with demand for their delicate and precise work”

The Princess must have become aware of my analyzing stare, “Is something wrong Zenith?” She asked.

“Should I be concerned that even the fabled Princess of Love has the darkness in her heart necessary to cast such a spell?”

The look she gave me was one of slight melancholy, “Everyone has a little darkness in them Zenith, even us Princesses” She then took on a resolute tone, “But it’s the resistance of that darkness on a daily basis that helps us grow as people and shows that we have the strength of character and moral integrity to do what’s right”

“There’s beauty in the broken” I whispered to myself, my respect for Cadence increased tenfold.

“Thanks for imparting that sappy piece of wisdom on us, but I’d like to get down there already. Don’t stray behind new guy” Without further adieu, Daring began trekking down the spiraling stairs. I was about to follow her when the Princess stopped me with a raised hand.

“One last thing Zenith, in case any of my guards impede you the clearance words are falling stars. And beware any questionable doorways you might encounter down in the depths, most are insidious trapdoors commissioned by Sombra to ensnare intruders and force them to face their worst fears” She ominously concluded her monologue.

I nodded to her, “Trapdoors, got it. Will we be the only ones looking for your lost chalice?”

“I’m afraid I can’t spare you any aid if that’s what you’re asking. With the Arcanian Athletic events coming up, most of my personnel are tied up with providing supervision over the preparations. My beloved husband Shining Armor is training the Crystal Kingdom’s athletic team himself. I apologize, but the most I can do is forewarn you of the dangers you might face” She articulated pensively.

“That’s quite alright, danger only makes things more fun” I gave her a roguish grin and spun around before she could formulate a response to my cocky remark.

I approached the edge of the stairs and peered down the chasm, spotting Daring rapidly increasing the distance between us. The column of space surrounded by the steps looked wide enough for me to drop down and avoid having to play catch up with the audacious adventurer. ‘A bit gutsy, but quick’ Summoning my wings, I promptly pencil dived into the breach; falling a few good floors before using my wings to slow my swift descent. I was silently grateful that my wings were intangible as they brushed through the stony steps on my way down, causing a buzzing feeling to permeate my shoulders. I landed on a set of steps several meters below Daring, so I waited patiently for her leaning on the edge of the wall looking smug. When she finally came round, I couldn’t help but call her out on her earlier comment.

“What was it you said before? Something about me slowing you down?” I said in my best troll worthy voice. She just scowled in annoyance.

“Shaddup, I already admitted that you could keep up” She brushed past me impatiently.

“Fair enough” I shrugged and shimmied down after her. ‘You jelly slowpoke?’

I was curious about her previous journey comment, “You mentioned getting nailed in the back by a crossbolt after trespassing in some Sultan’s private library, mind elaborating on that?”

“What about it?” She snapped irritably, if she was going to be testy then I could snark right back.

She huffed in aggravation before giving in, “Fine, remember the codex earlier that my nemesis got to before I did? Ages ago, the wicked King Sombra had it sent away on a caravan heading to sandier regions where he thought no one else could discover the secret to his power and threaten his rule. After exchanging many hands throughout time, the Sultan of the Marabian province managed to acquire it himself and had it stashed in his private collection. I was going to ‘retrieve’ it for the institute but my nemesis tipped the Sultan off and guards burst in before I could get my hands on it. He used the commotion to nab it for himself and I got an arrow in the back for my trouble” She ended bitterly.

“Tough break, at least you didn’t take it to the knee; otherwise your adventuring days would be over” I just couldn’t resist; she left me an opening for that shameless reference.

She stopped suddenly and whipped around with a disbelieving face and a flat, “What?”

She gave me a venomous look in response, “You think what happened to me was funny? A codex of dangerous secrets that leads to an unimaginable source of power that can give its benefactor immortal life in the hands of an already powerful megalomaniacal bastard is a joke to you?” She was glaring daggers at me by that point.

I held my hands up in a placating manner, “I meant no offense! Can you blame a guy for trying to lighten the mood?”

I could have sworn that she growled in agitation before rolling her eyes and continuing downwards, a rather awkward silence ensuing shortly thereafter. Not wanting to provoke Daring any further, I kept to myself for the rest of our flight down the constant stairs.

‘Geez, Daring is grouchier than I thought she’d be’ I internally groused.

Once we reached the bottom of the stairs (finally!) we happened across a set of three visually indiscernible wooden doors with circular iron ring latches. I would’ve started fretting over which was a trapdoor, if not for the duo of guards standing statically at the first and foremost door demanding my immediate attention. Once they spotted us, they tensed visibly before the one on the left announced in the usual authoritative tone I’ve come to expect from them.

“Clearance? What clearance? Don’t you know who I am?” Daring stated with disgruntlement, a dismayed scowl plastered on her face, “I’m Daring Do! Famous Archeologist and adventurer the world over! I’ve catalogued hundreds of unknown historical and magical pieces from long since passed civilizations, not to mention flora and fauna, architecture, even exotic liquors! I even have my own book series! I’ve got more swag in my left middle finger than you have in your whole bodies!” She finished with gratuitous amounts of pride and gave them the one finger salute.

‘Not the greatest verbal tirade I’ve ever heard, but pretty good’ I thought, recalling the infamous lemon rant by Cave Johnson.

The guards for their part looked unimpressed and even slightly miffed at Daring’s defiant gesture. Bristling in anger and aggression, the guard spoke again.

“I wouldn’t care if you were the Sun Monarch herself, no one passes by us without clearance. Now speak the words or prepare to face the wrath of the Royal Guard!”

As he ended that sentence, they both lowered themselves and their spears antagonistically towards us. Daring looked like she was about to say something else perilously arrogant but I cut her off before she could do any more damage.

“Cease and desist! It’s Falling Stars, that good enough for you?” I said in my most conciliatory voice.

The guards immediately relaxed their postures and raised their spears back into a standing position. Though they still kept their piercing gaze trained on us both.

“Hey, how’d you know the passwords?” Daring asked in a peeved tone. I gave her a deadpan look in return.

“The Princess told me, maybe if you were a little less foolhardy and a little more patient instead of just rushing headlong into things you’d have heard it too” I chided the headstrong woman.

She just adopted that usual scowl and muttered something very impolite under her breath. Focusing on the task at hand, I concentrated back on the guards who were still eyeing us warily.

“So… we’re here about a stolen powerful and enigmatic artifact? My ‘partner’ here works for the C.I.A” I still had to stifle a guffaw at that, “And Princess Cadence has me assisting her in its return, so if you nice gentlemen could point us to the repository where the glorified antique was taken, that’d be great” I gave my tone a mix of sarcasm and sincerity, I have to say that I pulled it off pretty well too.

They stepped aside and the one on the right opened the door up for us, “Through here, and don’t touch anything!” He irately amended.

“Many thanks, you gents have a nice day” I tipped my imaginary yet no less awesome hat to them and proceeded past the threshold.

What greeted my eyes was quite the sight, glistening gold, gems and other shinies’ everywhere. Countless remnants and heirlooms from a Kingdom a thousand years removed from the timeline were piled somewhat haphazardly atop one another in a way more reminiscent of a treasury than a historical repository. I heard a rather girly squeak of excitement behind me as Daring just about flew past me to examine everything she could get her hands on. I expected the guards to admonish us severely any second, but apparently they decided to stick to their jobs of being door decorations.

“You must get quite the lady boner off history huh?” I dryly remarked at Daring's borderline nerdish antics.

Either Daring hadn’t heard me or was ignoring me, too busy geeking out over some garish looking platinum crown to give little ol’ me any love. Instead she was pretty much talking to herself about how incredible some of the pieces were and how she was waiting for a chance to see Krystal Era jewelry forever.

“I can’t believe I’m actually holding the late Princess Platinum’s crown! This relic has so many stories told about it! Wearing it to the diplomatic summit of the three clans was supposed to be a showcase of the Stellar Magi’s amassed wealth to cow the other clans into submission, only it caused the other two clan’s leaders to become angered at the Princess’s haughty attitude and further alienated the clans to each other. So much Arcanian history and I’m holding it in the palms of my hands! I wonder if they kept her cape in here too…”

‘I thought that crown sorta looked familiar’ I mentally shrugged at my oversight.

Shaking myself from my ruminations I decided to let Daring lose herself in her own monologue and have a look around myself. Beyond the priceless bits of local history stored here, the rest of the room wasn’t all that attention grabbing or worth describing, the walls and floor were the same ugly coal black as the stairwell coming down. There was however a portion of the room where things were overturned and what looked like the visual remnants of a scuffle that took place. I advanced towards it cautiously, staying mentally alert to any important details that might present themselves. All the while channeling my inner crime scene detective; Phelps or Sherlock, take your pick.

‘Okay, so disregarding the bloodstains since I don’t have any access to DNA analyzing equipment and these people are probably behind in that particular field of criminal science; this seems to be a blunt smash and grab job. Things have been tossed aside, whether from the preliminary struggle or subsequent search is irrelevant. The Chalice must have been held in this shattered cast iron lockbox with the goblet sized indention in the black satin material… and what’s this?’

Noticing a mottled and obviously old piece of parchment lying on the floor next to the broken lockbox, I stooped down to pick it up. It looked like it was hastily torn from a book; I hypothesized and quickly ascertained that it was from the stolen codex. ‘Well that was simple; whoever did this must have dropped it in a hurry’

If eternal life is what you seek; then prove your mettle to be more than meek

If your fears you cannot greet; then death you shall never cheat

Pass through the darkened doors to enlightenment; or else abandon your dreams of eternal entitlement

Those with pure intentions will succeed; those with greed should pay heed

This task can make the strongest break; the one from beyond, the very earth shake

‘I’m not sure I like where this is going…’ I gloomily thought, foreseeing the implications.

“Whatcha got there?” Daring suddenly appeared and snatched the foreboding paper out of my hands.

“Hmm… looks like we gotta pass through some subliminal doorways to reach where we have to be next” Daring deftly deduced.

“Thanks Co-Captain obvious” I snidely remarked, totally impressed with her ability to draw simple conclusions after I had already done so.

“You’re welcome! C’mon, let’s get a move on” Daring completely subverted my sarcasm by acting cavalier. It’s possible that she’s already getting used to my mannerisms.

“Do you actually know what it is we’re looking for?” I doubtfully asked as we walked to the exit leading back to the stairway vestibule.

“Besides the Chalice and the jackhole who stole it? I don’t know, some kinda doorway?” She guessed with a shrug.

“Not just any doorway, Sombra’s mental trapdoors. The kind the Princess informed me forces people to face their worst fears, another tidbit of information you missed with your disregarding gung ho nature” I exasperatedly corrected.

“Guess that’s why I have you. You can copy down the trivial details for me while I kick ass and look damn good doing it” She immodestly boasted.

‘She’s starting to remind me of a certain rainbow haired girl every minute I’m stuck with her. I wonder if they’re distantly related?’ I inquisitively pondered.

“Almost? I’m most definitely the best at being good and looking good!” She shot back with no small amount of pride.

“Don’t forget the best at being modest” I added with an alleviated sigh, this exchange did a little bit to take my mind away from the upcoming event I knew I was going to despise.

We soon were back in the rotunda and curiously, the guards from before were no longer there. I just brushed it off as the time interval between the changing of the guard. ‘Less nagging either way, I like to lollygag’ I mentally chuckled at my repeated Skyrim references. There were still two doors we still haven’t opened as of yet, and I was debating internally which could be the one that would lead us to where we had to go next. As I made note of before, the doors were visually indistinguishable from each other.

“You know what? Screw it… let’s just each try a door and see where it leads. If it’s the one we want, great. If it ain’t… then no harm no foul right?” Somehow I knew I was going to regret saying that.

“Sounds good to me. Whenever I work with mystery doors I just pick whatever till’ I find the right one” She replied with a noncommittal shrug. ‘Wow… a true professional’

She then proceeded to select the one on the left facing the repository door. Leaving me with the one on the right, my mind was already working overtime trying to process just what lay on the other side. Things from the downright sinister to the unexpectedly mundane raged through my mind like a pack of angry ferrets. ‘You know what? I’m stressing this WAY too much, just open the damn door’

And so I did, I could not decide if what met my vision was a disappointment or something to lure me into a false sense of security. It was pitch black nothingness… kind of eerie in a way. But I hate jump scares more than Markiplier loves reviewing them, so it was a welcome relief to me. I walked a few paces forward before I heard the door slam shut behind me and the light pouring in from the rotunda’s torches go out. ‘Yep, should have seen that coming’ Digging into my pocket I fished out my IPod, intent on using the fluorescence from the screen to light my way. Before I could turn it on though, I heard a brisk scuttling sound seemingly come from all directions around me. Muttering a brusque invective to myself, I hastily switched it on and held it in front of myself. Needless to say I wasn’t at all happy with what awaited me.

Eyes… clusters and clusters of them reflected my image with their black soulless gleam. But that wasn’t the worst part no; the worst part was that those eyes were attached to FRIGGIN GINORMOUS SPIDERS! Did I mention that I was slightly arachnophobic? Well actually I’m terrified of them, especially the freakishly huge ones! To that day I have never done quite the impression of the goofy holler as I did then. I took off faster than greased lightning in the opposite direction, praying that the door would still be there. Turns out it wasn’t, I was going to face this fear whether I wanted to or not. So I kept running like all hell was chasing me; which was not far from the truth to me. All the while a string of rather creative curses were flowing through my mind, ‘…Sweet jumping Jesus on a pogo stick! Holy crap on a cracker! Cockalorum snollygoster lickspittle!… ’ You get the point.

I didn’t know where I was running to, but anywhere was better than sticking around with those spindly leg sacks of pure evil! Unfortunately there appeared to be a boundary to this horrific happenstance and I was backed into a corner. I held my IPod in a death grip, the flashlight app casting the cursed eight legged freaks in a looming light. My undesired company slowly and menacingly closing in, their fangs clicking and dripping with venom as they shifted them hungrily. Even more were rappelling in from above, shimmying down from their nasty web globules. ‘Oh what I wouldn’t give to have a giant can of Raid right now!’ Oddly enough, a bottle of what appeared to be insecticide literally poofed into existence and fell into my open hand.

I quickly glanced at the label, which read: Nuclear Strength Arachnid Annihilator, now with fresh floral scent!

Shrugging off my suspension of disbelief, I shook the can and took aim. Squeezing the nozzle trigger with all I had, a cloud of absolutely vicious looking gas tore into the ranks of the eight legged horde. Causing them to shriek in what I hoped was sheer agony and doing what I could only describe as Riverdance without the shoes before dissolving into gross looking puddles of goop on the floor. As the can of gaseous death emptied itself, it dematerialized in a vaguely Tron like fashion. I took a deep breath through my nostrils, mollified that this particular tribulation was over. ‘Ahhh… I love the smell of jasmine in the morning, it smells like victory’ I thought in my best Kilgore voice. Hearing the creaking sound of a door opening, I peered behind me to spot an entryway that wasn’t there previously. Mentally high fiving myself, I scooted myself through the near blinding light only for it to disperse and reveal…

Another door….I won’t mention what I hollered at the top of my lungs but I’ll give you a clue, it rhymes with a drawn out duck. After about ten seconds of complete RAGE, I had cooled down enough to tempestuously see what horrors lay behind door number two as I gently pulled at the latch. A large meadow of grass and flowers awaited me this time; I nervously walked inside and… of course the door immediately shut and disappeared behind me. ‘What’s going to go wrong this time?’ I exhaustively bemoaned. Taking in my new surroundings I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by a strong sense of nostalgia. ‘I’ve… seen this place before’

Bulbous looking trees just shy of fully shrouding from view a castle made of white stones and red brick tiles. A stained glass mural depicting a familiar Princess positively glimmering in the sunlight adorned the forefront of the castle. Feeling a little more confident in such a comforting setting, I cautiously drew closer. Hearing the joyous racket of laughter as I approached…and came across a duo whom I instantly recognized. It was that plumber man Mario and his number one damsel Peach having a picnic! I was about to get their attention by politely greeting them when I abruptly stopped myself. Giving the situation some serious thought, ‘No matter what I say I’m probably just going to end up sticking my foot in my mouth and setting off the horror fantasy, so why not enjoy it a little? It’s not like a chance like this will ever present itself again. Let’s get Ornery!’ I grinned maniacally and rubbed my palms together as I prepared to give the two the roasting of a lifetime.

‘Systems check, all systems go. Running wisecrack diagnostics… wisecracking computation module online. Smart ass mode engaged’

“Hey you! With the overdone dirty sanchez on your lip!” That got his attention.

“How is that your bimbo of a girlfriend puts up with you? I hear that she secretly thinks that your fun times together are like holding down the B button the whole way! Then again, I can’t really blame you. If I was high on mushrooms every day of the week and wearing that creepy ass furry costume, I’d be pretty unfocused myself!”

“And you!” I concentrated my burning ire on a bewildered Peach, “What is with you and getting constantly kidnapped by that pathetic excuse of an overgrown turtle? Do you get off on Stockholm syndrome or something? He’s like a single father of eight! Don’t you know he only wants you for your ludicrous amounts of money? Sounds like a gold digger to me! Don’t even get me started on the blonde jokes specifically about you! And where was that cake I was promised in the nineties? You made my childhood an absolute lie you lying, manipulative, bombshell of a floozy skank!”

I finished my rant and was heaving and puffing like an overweight man on a step mill with a juicy steak held in front of him on a candy string. ‘Cripes that’s such good stress therapy! I really needed to let out all that pressure I’ve accumulated lately’

“Well…” Began the demure voice of Peach, “We didn’t bring any cake with us, so how about we bake you one?”

“B̩̹ͬ̄ļ̰͉̖̗̭̰̻̫͉̍óͦ͏͏҉̭͔͇o͇͖̞̩̦̤̺̱̘̿͗̈́͛̚͢͝d͍̮̈̍͡ ̵̡͎̗ͫ̐ͭ̒͜F͖͕̩̩͉̟̳̋̊́͞ͅl̛̼͚̫̦̘̳̊̈̑͂́̓͊ͪ͆͠a̜̘͉͎̼̠͚̓̒͋ͣͣ̋̌̕͜v̱͕͈̺̆̆ͨ͊̊͑ͥo̘̜͔͊̑̑r̨͍̰̘͇̾͐͐ͨ͜è̪̦̯̥͔͔̄ͫͣ̈̔͋̿́ͅd̺̼̖̻͍ͪ̅́̓!̧͚̼̟ͦ̓̈́́ͭ̔̐̒” She screeched.

Peaches voice pitch became demonic as her pupils shrunk to the size of pinpricks and took on a crimson shade with her eyes turning jet black. Her teeth became tiny and razor sharp like that of a piranha. The same thing happened to Mario who suddenly held a knife in his hands as he and Peach sauntered closer to me. They looked utterly wicked, and not in the cool way either.

“L͍̣̙̬̫̖ͭͯ̓̑͋ͭeͥ̅ͩ̏̋ͥ҉̝̜̣̕ẗ̢̧̡̪ͫ͗̓̽̌̎'̻̞̖͚ͯͮ̉ͥͭ̽͐̑͐́͡š̪̘͂ͧ̾͟ȁ͗͐ͬ̉͑҉̪̥̩͖͜ ̼̬̪̹̯͓̮̬ͬ̌ͅg͇̺̭ͫ̃̐ͨ͌ȅ͎̤̤̺͚̹͎ͤ͋ͨ̿͋ͩ̚t͕̙͚̽̌ͤͩͣ̑̚͘ ̸̨̮̈́͆̃͑ͥ̓̽̐b̘͓̮̜͇̦ͪͫͩ̕͝a̵̡̱͔̦̲̬̝͇̣ͥ̾̽̿̀k̩̺̰̮͚͌́ͬ͌̏̒̔ͨ̏̀ȉ̷̳̬̘̖͖͔ͬ̔̑̋̏ͥ́ͫn̳̯͆̐͢͞ĝ̡̢͔̜̤̤͙ͭͤ̋̾ͨ͆͗́!̷͉̘̺ͨͨ̋̎́” He said in an Italian accented demon’s voice.

So they were reasonably confused when I started cackling like a madman with a hotshot grin on his face. I must have looked like I had either totally lost it or had a trump card to play. I’ll give you a hint, it’s the latter! I wiped a tear from my eye and flicked it with my pinky finger.

“Oh… aren’t you guys a riot, thinking you have me right where you want me like total tools”

“W̦̰̝̱̭͔̰̯̾ḥ̡͇̙̹̫͕̞̏ͤ͐̽ͣͦ͠à̷́ͪ̓͑͛ͣ͏̦̳̬̮t̢͕̭͆̓ͦ̇͛̒͑̈́ͧ ̣̳͇̫̹͓͛ͭ̕a̶̤̳̦͉̣̱̥̠̹͂̆ͫͪ̎̾̅ͨr̨̪͙̝̘̟̭̝̂͛̑͡e̾ͤͮͯ̚͝͏̧͖̱͔̞̟̞̠͓ ̔ͧ̄͑ͥ̈́͏̸͇̣̳̲̱͙̯y̼̫̬̙̹̫͓̺͖ͩ̄̓̓̑͟͠ǒ̷̶̼̩̫̖̳̳̜́̋̒ͧ͛ͩ̌ủ̢̼͙̝ͭ̇̎̏̾͂ ̹̱̮͖͈̯̃̔́t͌̿̊҉̝̯̬̹̼̲̫̝a̷̹̘̤̪̰͑̂͌̐ͨ̃̉l̢̰͙̳̤͖̤̻͇ͧ̾̄͌̂̔͛͘k̢̮̮͎ͬ̓͊̇į̷͂̾̅̍ͩͦ͏̩̥̻͙̭ͅn̸͖̿̿̈̔g̡̻͖̪̯̺͓͍ͥ́ͤ̓́ ̤̭͖ͯ̋̄̕a̠̳̟͔̳͇̗̠ͧ̈́͘͠b̶͓̞̝̘͛͑̿̾͋̔̕o̡̧̪̪̞͎̓̇ͩ̈̍̚u̵̵͎̳̦̹̥̖̇̍̂ͤ̈ͅt̢̩̹̦̻ͣͫ?̨͉͙͉̰̤́͢W̹̩̙̃ͨ̏̐͒e̐̍̈̋͏̱'̏͐̇̔̽̈́́ͩ҉͖̜̱̻͖͚r̡̬̭͔̘̹ͯ͊͡e͑ͧͥ͋͏̟̪̰̙ ̺̻͌̾̈́ͅḁ̢͍̮͂̀b̰̩͍̭̻̻̯͑̋̆ͧͩ̾̚̕͟ơ̏ͤ̇ͨ̔͂ͧ̋͏̸͙̹͚͇͈ͅư̧̲̜̩̫̊̐́t̸̨͓̲̺͂͗̍ͧ̚͡ ̗̱́̒̂ͦͦt̼̟̺͚̠̮͚ͫ͊̕͢͢ō̦͇̮ͧ̐̌ͪ͟ͅ ̙̫̻͎̗̈́ͭͫ̑ͤ̿̈̔ͧḑ̙͍̯͎̪̜͈̘ͯͤ͐͆ͬͪ͛e̫̬͌ͣv̹̘̲̼̰͉̭͕̯̔ͯỏ͍̹̗̬̬̮͂́ͮͣ͆ͅư̠̰̬̇̽̚͟r̟̤̬̻̳̈ͫͨ̈́͊ͨ͜ ̢̲̙̯͉ͤ͛̎ͧ͐̋̽ͦ̕̕y̹͓̞ͮ͊̔̆o̭̝͈̳͛̍ư̦͙͈̿͐͐ͮͪ̀r̴͉͋̉̃͒ͨ̆ͩ̚͜ ̧͚̩̹͈̟̼̆̔ͫ͊ͭ̈ͧ͑͝͞ͅs̠̹͂ͥ̎̍͟o̸ͪ͗̑̌̀̋͠҉̮̰͇͍u͓̥̮̙̥͌ͨ̚l̺̳̜ͧ̿ͥͣͯ̃ͪ͂̚͞!͂̒͐̈́̾̍ͪ̎͘͏̩̞̭̮̜̙̭

They protested in a whiny tone, a strange sound coming from a demon’s voice. I pulled out a pair of shades from the null space or wherever this random crap comes from and put them on.

I coiled up before pouncing on Mario first, eliciting the iconic jump sound before trouncing his partner in evil. Flattening them both in a hilariously cartoony fashion and causing them to effervesce out of existence. I casually walked away before stopping and brazenly uttering the necessary one liner.

I could have sworn I heard the achievement unlocked sound come from somewhere but I ignored it, as the door out of this lame paradox of my childhood once again decided to pop up (literally) in front of me. Ready to put this bizarre event behind me, I grabbed the latch and swung the door open. I won’t tell you what twisted scenario I saw in there but when I left I was in a considerably foul mood, I pretty much ripped the next door off its hinges to unequivocally put the ill-favored exposure behind me.

The only thing of notice here this time around was a well illuminated cylindrical chamber containing a set of spiraling stairs leading up the crystalline column where the door opened. I shook my head with incredulity; did Sombra’s trapdoors really think I was afraid of staircases? I had more of a hatred for them actually, why use stairs when they have escalators?

Great, now I was depressed. My brief stint with depression was about to be cut short however, as another door slowly materialized out of the crystalline column next to mine. It all but burst open and out egressed none other than my temporary partner Daring Do! She expeditiously (see what I did there?) slammed the door shut behind her and took up a position against it, gasping for air like she ran a few marathons herself. When she noticed me staring at her with an amused expression she chuckled nervously before readjusting her seasoned looking helmet and extricating herself from the door. Acting casually while trying to appear all nonchalant about her no doubt equally nerve racking experience.

“Scary as balls, but I didn’t let it faze me too much. How bout’ you?” I grinned like the Cheshire cat on catnip.

“It went great! Discovered a lot about myself in there” She narrowed her eyes, “Too much… I think”

“So I guess both doors were the trapdoors, who would have thought huh?” I chuckled as we began clambering up the monolithic stairwell.

“Probably so we’d have to face our fears by ourselves. Wish I could smack the inglorious bastard who made them upside the head” Daring muttered angrily.

“I can certainly share that sentiment… I’d also sock him in the goodies” I jokingly jested.

That got a good snicker from my companion. We carried on in silence; the urge to needle Daring about what she saw was undoubtedly at the forefront on my mind, but since I respected other people’s personal privacy enough not to intrude on them I didn’t ask. As it was, Daring did not feel the same way.

“So what nightmares did you experience running the gauntlet? Betcha they weren’t as scary as mine if you managed to get here first” She spoke with the utmost brashness as she pointed a thumb at herself.

“Pfft, Spiders? Pshaw… of course not. I encounter them all the time in my line of work! Nothing I couldn’t handle.” She proudly said, probably feeling like her previous statement was already justified.

“You would be if you went through what I did” That shut her up nice and good, it helps that I can be quite the actor if I should so choose. Although Spiders are legitimately scary (shudders).

“What about after? I know the doors don’t make you face only one fear” Daring inquired.

“Just a couple of demons that wanted to carve out my heart and bake it into blood cakes” I dispassionately summarized.

“Oh..” Daring vocalized, clearly confused at my casual carefree description, “You make it sound like it’s a common thing for you”

“Common? Naw, I’m just not intimidated by something I know I can just Goomba stomp into oblivion” (Video game logic you know?)

“Goomba stomp? What is it with you and all these weird allusions?” She asked,

“Trust me, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you” I sidestepped her somewhat risky question.

She made that small growling sound women can sometimes make when they’re frustrated and jabbed a finger in my chest. Stopping our ascendance up the seemingly endless flight of stairs as she bore her eyes into mine, despite the fact that she was a good deal shorter than me.

“Listen bub, you better not be keeping any treacherous secrets from me or I’ll drop you like a bad habit. Is that clear?” She warned. Her tone was low and dangerous, as though she made threats like this before. Given her lifestyle, that wasn’t entirely out of the question.

“Excellent!” She cheerfully chirped and bounded up the stairs with a near imperceptible skip in her step. The sudden change in attitude almost had me staggering off the edge. Not that it would’ve mattered since I had my wings, but still.

‘Women, they can emulate bipolar symptoms like the real deal. Except there’s no regimen for them, it’s either the cold shoulder treatment or hell’s fury as far as they’re concerned’ I mused with oodles of cynicism. I kept a respectable distance behind Daring, mostly for two reasons; her last actions put me off just a tad… and because she had a shapely posterior.

‘Dude… dat ass. I bet that’s not the only shapely thing about her with her level of fitness. *Wink wink nudge nudge!*’

‘Dammit Brain! We’re in hot enough water with her right now as it is! Although I do have to agree with that assessment. Bow Chicka Wow Wow!’

“So what else did you see?” Daring asked, as if the whole prior death threat thing never happened.

To be honest I expected no less, women are complicated creatures that have baffled men for millennia and we are still no closer to truly understanding them. Trying to comprehend them would be like defusing an atom bomb, except women can explode more than once upon screwing up. As far as Daring’s question went, by no means was I willing to answer directly.

“Nothing worth mentioning” I was glad Daring couldn’t see my rapidly darkening expression.

“What about you? You’ve grilled me for answers so it’s only fair you told me your own worst fears” I retorted irritably.

By this point, we had traversed dozens and dozens of steps… and it didn’t seem like it was about to end either. I contemplated just using my wings and flying to the top and just wait for my incredibly irksome partner to catch up, but something told me that she wouldn’t take kindly to being reminded of her disability. That… and I am a gentleman, I don’t leave a lady behind simply because I was too lazy to lift my fat ass up some stairs. Even if a lady wasn’t currently present in my company… Zing!

“Jeez… does drinking from the Crystal Chalice give somebody Bathmomania on top of power mad psychosis?” I groaned in exhaust.

“Certainly seems like it” Daring agreed, breathing in as hard as I was. I was somewhat impressed that she knew the word Bathmomania to begin with.

“Yeah I could, but then who would keep you company? We’ll suffer these lousy stairs together” I obstinately insisted.

“You know something Zenith? You’re not a half bad guy” Daring complimented with her first real smile towards me since our little trip began.

‘She has a wonderful smile, so full of life, courage, and just a hint of playful mischief’ I blissfully observed, I was about to simply dismiss her flattery with my usual passivity but she continued.

“I also wanted to apologize about earlier, the not so thinly masked threat I mean? It’s just that it isn’t the first time I had a partner with hidden intentions almost stab me in the back…” She trailed off at the end.

‘Great… now I feel bad about zinging her earlier. She’s frustrating even when she’s sincere!’ I mentally sighed before deciding on cheering her up.

“Hey” I tenderly spoke, “I’m not the kind of guy who would do that to you, and you’re too awesome to break trust with. Besides…my ‘secret’ isn’t something that concerns you or your work in any way shape or form, I’m just a from a very far off land that’s in some ways, even more unbelievable than this place”

“I believe you” She said in a warmhearted voice, before an expression of intrigue flashed across her features, “I don’t think you’ve ever told me where a Valkyrian like you hailed from”

“That’s because you never asked” I sarcastically said, receiving a slug in the arm from Daring for my efforts. Despite being a girl, she still hit pretty hard. Causing me to rub the soon to be sore spot with an imperceptible grimace of discomfort.

“Okay wise guy, cough it up. Where’s home for you and what brought you here to this city?” She asked with genuine inquisitiveness.

“Foreign born, the reason I’m in this Kingdom is a little more complex. But simply put, I’m getting Arcanian citizenship granted to me by the Princess if I did her a favor” I explained.

“Did it involve chasing down relics of unspeakable power along with a dynamic and charismatic adventurer? Or a different kind of favor?” She gave me a lecherous grin while elbowing me provocatively.

“You’re incorrigible” I replied with a shake of my head, “Besides… I’m pretty sure that she’s married”

“Me? Oh, I’m a Las Valkryas girl” She said with a hint of home pride in her voice.

“Really? I would’ve thought someone like you would have been born someplace more…”

“Tropic?” She finished for me, “Yeah that’s what most people would think, but to be honest I’m just as much at home in the city as I am in the jungles”

“You certainly are a fascinating individual Daring Do” I venerated, intrigued by this new information.

“Yup! And I’m all woman” She winked at me before laughing at my befuddled look.

‘Not sure if she’s screwing with me, or actually being a wanton flirt. I’d be lying to myself if I said that I wasn’t the slightest bit interested’

“Without a doubt” I said inattentively, feigning disinterest anyway. Daring didn’t look like she bought the act, but didn’t press any further since we were drawing close to the top.

The staircase ended in a rotunda that offered a spectacular view of the surrounding kingdom through flat gem studded columns that lined the room.

I realized that this must have been the very top of the main Crystal Spire extending out of the citadel. A floating crystal heart greatly resembling the one downstairs except for its oscillating nature hovered calmly over the ever present emblem of the Krystal Kingdom. My partner and I advanced toward the heart, intent on making heads or tails of our still unknown next step. Thankfully, we didn’t have to do much as the heart suddenly twinkled brilliantly with lights of all colors of the spectrum before coalescing into a bright white light that pierced the halcyon veil of the climate barrier and pointed in the direction of a portion of the mountain ranges enveloping the kingdom.

Coincidentally, I noted that it was exactly opposite of where I helped put an end to the feral snow dragon. The most intriguing part was that the train tracks leading out of the kingdom meandered in that very same direction. The shrill sound of a train whistle about to depart was blaring in the windy breeze and echoed in our ears. I turned to my accomplice in action affairs and sarcastically stated.

Destiny's Call: The tales of a foreigner in a familiar land

by Zenith Starwalker

Chapter 7: Stairs, Traps and Trains