//------------------------------// // Twilight's turn // Story: Cupcakes A$$ Kicking. // by thewaffler //------------------------------// A/N: Twilight will be only slightly out of character and also my apologies to the fine people of Nome, Alaska. There's also an alternate ending. I apologize to the fine people of Turkey, but let's face it you're prisons are fucked up. Pinkie and Rainbow rushed to the Ponyville library to find Twilight's computer on the ground smashed into oblivion and a shattered window. Pinkie knocks on the door of the library and Spike answers the door holding a dust pan and broom. "Hey guys, what's up?" Rainbow looked at Spike and explained their concern. "Yeah, we heard a loud scream and Twilight's computer is outside crushed like a paper ball. We wanted to see if Twilight was okay." "She's in the shower and was saying something about feeling unclean." Spike left the room to clean up the broken glass. Rainbow and Pinkie trotted to the bathroom door and heard the water running and mumbling. Slowly they open the door and when they did they found Twilight on her haunches sitting in super hot water holding a scrub brush with her magic. "Twi?" Pinkie and Rainbow called out to twilight. "Unclean." Twilight mumbled as she scrubbed herself. "Twi?" They tried again. "Very unclean." The purple unicorn mumbled before scrubbing herself harder. "Twilight?" They spoke a little bit louder only to be ignored once again. "Unclean. Can't...get...images out...of...my mind." "TWILIGHT!!" They yelled snapping Twilight out of her trance. "Oh, Pinkie and Rainbow it was horrible. There were so many disgusting and perverse images of me and the Princesses online." Twilight slurped down on to the bathroom tile exhausted from her cleaning fit. The pink and cyan mares left Twilight to compose herself and walked back into the main area of the library. "Don't worry Twilight something like happened to us earlier today. We can go their world and beat em up." Rainbow said as she bucked the air her two front hooves in a fighting stance. "No." Twilight says in a serious and calculating tone. Rainbow looks at Twilight with a confused look on her face. "Huh?" "Don't get me wrong Rainbow, I think the insane perverts that think the Princesses would and I would behave in such a manner need to be punished. It's just that I'm not about physical payback." "What did you have in mind?" "I was thinking of something more indirect, but I may need you and Pinkie's help on this plan." "Okie doki loki." Pinkie chimed in from across the room not really paying attention to Rainbow and Twilight's conversation.. "Anyway I need you two here tomorrow at 9am, so till then good night Rainbow and Pinkie" Her two friends left after saying their good byes. Before leaving the library Pinkie though to herself. 'I wonder how that one guy we beat up is doing?' Meanwhile back on Earth at a San Hedeemas, California mental hospital. A psychiatrist enters a large sterile room where a nurse is finishing preparation on the machine. The smell of alcohol based cleaning solutions linger in the air; The doctor stops when she reaches a table with metal studs protruding slightly from its surface and the buckles of its leather restraining straps glisten under the florescent tubes. The door opens revealing a drugged up, pale and bruised young man being carted into the room. The orderlies lift him from his wheel chair, place him on the table and secure his restraints. The doctor waits for him to come out of his drug induced state. "Mr.**** please tell me what happened to you." The doctor says in a very monotone voice as she expects the same answer again from what she calls an "uncooperative patient." "I'M TELLING YOU, TWO TINY HORSES FROM A CARTOON CAME OUT OF MY COMPUTER AND BEAT ME UP!!!! " The doctor shakes her head and turns to the nurse "Increase the voltage and begin the treatment, nurse." "ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! YOU FASCIST!!!!" He yelled as his mouth started to foam and he could smell burnt toast. Back in Equestria The next morning Twilight meets her friends at the library and from there they went trotted over to the comic book store to speak to Waffles. The door opens are the door chimes letting the owner know he has customers. The stallion from behind the counter greets his guest. "Welcome to Deus Ex Machina Comics, how may I hel-" He turned around to see two familiar mares and a third he only recognized from around town. "Oh, hello Pinkie and Rainbow, did you guys wanna buy something or do you guys need more info on humans." "Nope we don't need anything, but our friend Twilight needs help with her own human problem." "Umm...yes, I need information because yesterday I came across some...unflattering images of me and the princesses." Twilight shivered slightly as she recalled the filthy pics and her mind began to cry out for brain bleach. "So, what do you you wanna do? beat em up? Trust me that seems to be the popular idea for revenge nowadays, I mean this comic store just barely makes enough to break even and yet all types of ponies are coming to me for information since yesterday morning. I will say this that one couple, you know the one with the light teal unicorn and the candy marked earth pony, boy you should heard the mouth on the latter one, she---- " Waffle looks at the three mares that seem to be growing impatient. "Sorry about that I tend to ramble, what kind of information do you need?" "I thought about it last night. I don't want to attack anyone..." she glared at Rainbow and Pinkie. "...but I would like to make them feel unpleasant and very irate as they have done to me, so my question is do you know anypony that is good at identity theft." Waffles looked back and forth and whispered to Twilight. "I don't know who told you that, but rest assured that I haven't done that in years. I'm a legitimate business pony." Twilight flashed him the puppy dog eyes. *sigh* "Oh, dammit. Just give me their names, half an hour and three hundred bits. Come to the back of the store to get your stuff." Twilight gave him a look that said that's a lot of bits. "What? Do you think I'm spending another seven years in the clink for your silly quest if things go sour." Twilight nodded in agreement, gave him a list of names and departed the store with her friends. Half an hour later Twilight trots to the alleyway behind the comic store a trench coated figure steps into view. "Where's the bits?" the stallion asked nervously while looking back and forth. "Right here." Twilight lefts a bag from her saddle bag. "Do you have my information?" "Right here in this manila envelope. On the count of three you slide the bits to me and I'll" slide you the envelope." "1, 2, 3" the two said in unison as the switch went off without a hitch. Twilight teleported out of the alleyway and the stallion went back into his store. (Both Alternative endings take place from this point.) "So, Twilight what's the super special plan you have for making those icky picture makers sorry." Pinkies said while bouncing around Sugar Cube Corner. "Well, Pinkie from the information I have received earlier today I have concluded a great many things. Apparently it's taboo and wrong in human society to feel attraction for the equine form, so I will send their "art" to their places of work, families and friends. The next phase is while they’re humiliated, I will have their utilities like electricity, water and cable cut off and I will end it with having all their mail sent to the middle of nowhere." "Ooh, that sounds neato Twilight, but where's the middle of nowhere?" "Apparently it’s in a place known as Nome, Alaska." On Earth in an office building a man named Meehoff Jackson was giving his proposal for expanding the parking garage. "...and as you can see here the new garage space would allow employees easier access to the main building and lower traffic outside the office. Here we ha-" He pointed to Power Point when instead of the rest his presentation, his Not Safe For Work Pony folder appeared and displayed all of its "contents". Needless to say his fellow co-workers and supervisors were shocked and disgusted by the parade of cartoon smut. He panicked and tried to disarm the situation. "UM...WAIT, THAT'S NOT MINE. Someone's playing some kind of a cruel joke on me." He tried desperately to convince the already judgmental group. He had hoped that they'd buy his excuse, that was until a self insert image of him porking several cartoon horses appeared in what appeared to be some kind of sick wish fulfillment scenario. There were many reactions from the crowd. Some yelled out homophobic slurs and insults against furries, some were dead silent, a great many were confused, a few thought the whole situation was hilarious, and a couple were angered and disgusted. Amongst those who found no humor in the situation was his boss. "Boy, that done there was the most disturbin thing since mah nephew read Sweet Apple Massacre out loud durin Thanks Givin dinner. Ah need ya to get yer shit and get outta this here office, pronto." His boss said his his thick Texan accent. "but...I've been with this company for five years, sir you just can’t fire me for some pictures I posted online. I have r-" He was interrupted by Mr.Tex. "Listen ah normally wouldn't give a rat's ass and not give ya a reasin, but the moment ya personal life mixes with the company, then its mah problem son. That's all, now git." He walked to his car to find all four tires have been slashed and toothpicks have been jammed into the door locks. "This is horse shit" he mutters to himself. He reaches for his cell phone to call for a tow truck only to find that his service has been disconnected. "Fuck, why is this happening to me?!" he yells in the parking garage before deciding to walk to his apartment. He looks up at the sky. "At least is not rai-" a thunder roars as the sky opens up and drenches him in rain. He begrudgingly makes it home he opens the door to see that power is out, he walks through the door when all of a sudden two purple legs of an equine form rear back and collide with his nads at full force sending him back and on to the ground. Thud "aghhh...ahh..fu..ck...It's feels like one of them popped...arhhh...shit" He said wincing in pain and then blacking out. He got up about five hours later and found nothing around his apartment resembling a tiny horse. The next day and seven hundred miles away another secret deviant is having similar issues. He was speaking in front of Congress when a video display behind him showed footage taken from his home began to show his "alone session" with his computer, some lotion and his Deviant Art account. The Senator shocked, left in a very undignified manner as the video was showing his old wrinkly self moaning Fluttershy's name. He rushed past the news crews and concerned citizens and managed to get into his limousine. "Frank take me home." "Okay sir." His driver said with a lisp and then laughed manically, locked the doors and punched the throttle. "HEY, YOU'RE NOT FRANK!!! You're -" The driver turned his head and revealed a familiar face tattoo. "Mike Tyson, Kid Dynamite at ya service and these pony creatures said you did some disgraceful things. Know I ain't one ta talk, but a nice yellow one offered to help my poor pigeons and a purple one paid me to kidnap ya and force ya to listen to the poetry I write for my birds for the next eight hours." "You're not going to punch me? You’re just gonna make me listen to you read for eight hours?" "I'm a man of peace now." Tyson said as he cooed to his favorite pigeon named Freckles in the passenger seat. The senator cringed at the idea of listening to his voice for more than two hours let alone eight and let out a high pitched wail as they drove off down he road. "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!" Ten hours later Two cops stand over the body of the senator from the previous scene. "Briggs, that's the strangest thing I've ever seen in my life. I have never seen anyone chew their own ears off in all my 29 years on the force." He sighed. "I'm getting too old for this shit." "Eyup, I wonder what wonder what would make a man do that?" "Whatever Just call it in." Across the Earth clop pic and fic makers were being punished in various passive aggressive to mildly violent ways. The one thing they all had in common was all their mail and postage was rerouted to a Nome, Alaska Waffle-House. The owner named Jim Waffleson went behind his restaurant secretly to burn more mail and keep any money and credit cards and to meet with his Equestrian counterpart. "This is great, dude. I mean look at all this shit. This calls for a Broofhoof" Jim said while extending his arm for a fist bump to which the stallion accepted. "Yeah, I know we can buy gold with your human credit cards and cash and split the profits 50-50." The orange maned pony said as his human doppelganger counted the profits. "This works well for both of us. You can afford to close that crumby comic book store and I can afford to leave this stinkin frozen hell hole town and move to Columbia and clone Mila Kunis." "Care to join me for some evil laughter?" Remarked Waffles. "Don't mind if I do." The man and the stallion let loose the same exact maniacal laugh. "Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!!" Back on Equestria Twilight smiled at a job well done as she was finishing a letter to the princess. "Um, Twilight are you sure you don't want me to write the letter?" "No, Spike. Plus I'm just about...done." She said as she signed the parchment. "Here you go, say why don't you and I go for a picnic?" Twilight asked in a motherly tone. Spike sent the letter. "That'd be great. We haven't had a day off together in weeks." In the Castle in Canterlot, Celestia received Twilight’s newest report. Dear Princess Celestia I learned that sometimes love and tolerance isn't always the answer and sometimes you need to use tough love in order to save peop..err ponies from themselves. Oh, and that there are somethings just need to burn. ~ Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle. The End Alternate ending number 1 This is to be read right after Twilight gets her information about humans from Waffles. On Earth a private Lear jet was boarding its passengers. There were thirty bronies and pegasisters on the plane. There was a banner attached to the ceiling that read "Welcome to Equestria Daily's Best of Pics and Fics Competition." The contest winners were making idle conversation before takeoff. "This is exciting, man. I can't believe my fan art of Celestia *censored* Twilight with a *censored* while Luna * heavy censored* in a bouncy castle." "I'm just as surprised that my fan fic about Celstia *extreme heavy censored* the cmc's while a *censored* Twilight and Trixie *censored*." "Hey I wrote a clop too." "Me, three." As more of the passengers start to announce their single common thread they all shared, a lone pegasister started to put the pieces together and made a realization. "I think it's weird that we all seem to be clop fic and clop art writers and artist. The other thing is that we all write with the princesses and Twilight as the characters." "Maybe it's coincidence." One of them called out. "Do you guys remember entering any type of contest?" she asked only to receive replies of no from the crowd. All of a sudden the metal retraining bands clapped down on their arms and, legs and heads. "Hiya, this your captain speaking and-" "No, Pinkie I wanna be the captain and let go of my wheel you have your own.-" "But, Dashie my wheel is sticky" "You did that with your bucket of cheap candy." "Anyway this is your captain and I'd like to thank you for choosing to fly Equestria Air." Rainbow said as she flicks a switch on the instrument panel that released sleeping gas into the passenger cabin. The jet then taxied down the runway and took off. 15 hours later The plane landed in Turkey and there Dash and Pinkie paid off some Turkish cargo inspectors and police officers who just happen to be fans of the show (just go with it). The Jet's passengers woke up dazed and confused over what had just happened, when all of a sudden a troop of heavily armed police officers busted into the little plane. They were rounded up outside and then the head of cargo investigation team stood forward. "You People are here by sentenced to 20 years in prison for trafficking heroin across our borders." "What heroin?" asked one of the bronies who only received a quick jab in he gut with the butt of a riffle. "Ahhrg..." he moaned as he rolled over in pain. The head of security revealed thirty oil drums "This heroin!" He opened the lid of one of the containers. They were marched to a large police truck and they spent the next 20 years in a wide awake nightmare as they soon found out that in Turkey prisons don't fuck around. Back in Equestria Twilight smiled at a job well done as she was finishing a letter to the princess. "Um, Twilight are you sure you don't want me to write the letter?" "No, Spike. Plus I'm just about...done." She said as she signed the parchment. "Here you go, say why don't you and I go get crunk?" Twilight asked in a chipper mood.. Spike sent the letter. "That'd be great. We haven't had a day off together in weeks and booze is great for my flame glands." In the Castle in Canterlot, Celestia received Twilight’s newest report. Dear Princess Celestia I learned that you should never go to a Turkish prison and that people are stupid enough to believe anything. ~ Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle. Celestia looked at the report with mild confusion before joining Luna for another coop session of Battlefield 3. The End Alternate ending number 2 This is to be read right after Twilight gets her information about humans from Waffles. On Earth fifty bronies and pegasisters woke up what appeared to be a space ship. "Aeg...what happened? I mean one moment I was *censored* to my clop pics and next moment I'm here. Wherever here is." One mutters aloud "Where am I?" "My head hurts" "What's gonna happen to us?" The prisoners one by one become awake and wonder about their surroundings. When all of a sudden the video monitor flicked on revealing a middle aged man with an American flag baseball cap sitting on a throne of money. He stares down the camera and speaks or rather yells. "PRAY, TO YOUR LORD AND MASTER, THE GREAT AND POWERFUL MICHEAL BAY!!!!" A lightning strike booms behind him. "You are all a rocket with a set destination, but first I, The Great and Powerful Michael Bay wishes to amuse myself. I, The Great and Powerful Michael Bay will randomly pick one of you to be strapped to a speed boat load with 200 pounds of TNT and crash through an oil tanker and land in a cemetery all while the national anthem plays. So, let's begin. Eeny, meeny, miny mo, I wonder which of you my speed boat you will go." He said in a sing song voice as he flicked hi finger through the rocket's hostages. His finger ended up pointing at a really skinny and weak looking creep. "Looks like lady luck smile upon ye." Bay said as he had a guard remove him from the rocket. 20 minutes later at a large fishing dock. The weakling known as Todd was strapped into the harness of the boat. Michael Bay flicked the toggle switch of the remote that controlled the boat to the on position. The boat's engine came to life and let loose a low pitch rumble from the back on it. Our gun ho director gunned the throttle and away the watercraft went, bouncing off waves and up a head the oil tanker was visible as well as the ramp leading towards it. VROOOOOOOOOMMMM The engine howled as it jumped the ramp and scrapped along the sides of the tanker and the sparks igniting the petroleum vapor. BOOOOOMMM The shock wave made the glass on the buildings closest to the shore rattle and break. The flaming wreckage sank under the water as the black smoke cloud whipped in the wind. The stunt was going better than Michael Bay had hoped and with the home stretch in sight he made the boat speakers play the American national anthem as the small craft hit the cemetery Bay detonated the TNT within its hull. KABOOM!!!!!!!!!! The boat and its contents were sent outward in a mangled mess of metal, fiberglass and flaming limbs as well as a large chunk of the holy ground from which the explosion took place. Now back on the space ship. Bay was done with his fun and launched the damn thing...into the sun. Back in his mansion in Hollywood Bay was talking to the pony who hired him over his payment. "I held up my side of the bargain, now I want my payment." "Fine, Mr. Bay here is your 80 gas tankers, 50 circus midgets and 3000 kilos of coke." Twilight said as she conjured them all out of thin air. "Good, now I need my daily hooker to snort coke off of, now. Gorgo demands it." Twilight tilted her head. "Gorgo?" "The demon that lives in my dick that demands I feed it nickels." Twilight leaves this bit of insanity and go back home to send a letter to the princess. Dear, Princess Celestia I learned Michael Bay is excuse my language bucking weird and that maybe I overreacted and condemned fifty people to live on the sun. People can live on the sun, right? ~ Your faithful student Twilight Sparkle I thought this meme comic was relevant: