//------------------------------// // Moustache Magic // Story: MLP: FML // by Maniac92 //------------------------------// “I’m not doing this.” said Twilight. “But why?” asked Spike. “It’ll be a challenge for your magic!” “No. It will be stupid, pointless, and a waste of my time.” Twilight turned back to her books. Spike rushed across the room to stand in front of her. “Please Twilight! I never ask you for anything!” Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Oh really? What about last week when you asked me for that video game? The one that kept you up for three days?” “It was a game about Slenderpony!” said Spike. “How could I sleep with him out to get me?!” “Or the week before that when you wanted that so-called time machine?” continued Twilight. “The Time Helmet really works!” said Spike. “You put it on and travel through time one second at a time!” “Or,” continued Twilight, ignoring Spike, “What about yesterday, when you needed bail money?!” “That cop had it out for me!” yelled Spike. “He arrested me just because I’m a dragon!” “The point,” said Twilight, “Is that you ask for a lot of stupid things, Spike, and I’m putting an end to it!” “But Twilight!” whined Spike. “I really really need this! Can’t you do me this one favor? Please? I won’t bother you for the rest of the day, I swear!” Twilight paused as she did some quick mental calculations: Spike + Whatever Idiotic Thing He Wants = No Spike For The Rest Of The Day. Spike - Whatever Idiotic Thing He Wants = Spike Bitching For The Rest Of The Day. Twilight eyed her assistant suspiciously. “You won’t talk to me for the rest of the day? No whining, no complaining, no waxing poetic or erotic about Rarity?” Spike nodded and said, “I promise.” Sighing Twilight pointed her horn at Spike and cast the spell. She opened her eyes to see a large, bushy mustache on her assistant’s face. “Whoo!” cheered Spike, stroking his mustache. “This is awesome!” “Why did you want a moustache anyway?” asked Twilight. “You look like a dragon version of the Monopoly guy.” Spike, admiring himself in a nearby mirror, answered, “Chicks dig guys with facial hair. If I show this bad boy off to Rarity, she’ll be all over me like…like…something all over something.” Spike walked towards the front door. “I’ll be over at Rarity’s. Expect me back tomorrow morning!” “Uh huh.” said Twilight, turning back to her books. “Maybe now I can actually get some reading done.” The front door was thrown open as Pinkie and two colts ran in. “SPIKE! CATCH!” yelled Pinkie as she threw an electric razor at Spike. Spike screamed and fell over as the razor hit him in the face, shaving off his moustache. “Of course…” mumbled Twilight as she shut her book. She looked over at Pinkie and asked, “What do you want, Pinkie?” “TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT-” yelled Pinkie as she bounced up and down. “WHAT?!” screamed Twilight in annoyance. “Hi!” said Pinkie as she waved. Twilight sighed and said, “Hello Pinkie. Was there a reason for this visit, or should I just assume it’s something stupid?” “Yes and yes!” said Pinkie. “Me, Snips, and Snails were walking and saw that someone set up a stage in the middle of town. We thought you and Spike would want to come check it out with us.” “I’m in.” said Spike morosely as he got back up. “I don’t any plans since somebody,” he glared at Pinkie, “Shaved off my moustache.” “Well count me out.” said Twilight. “I’ve got a lot of reading to do and-” “Miss Twilight?” asked Snips. “What?” Snips pointed his hoof behind Twilight and said, “Your books are on fire.” Twilight turned around and noticed the alarmingly large fire behind her. “So they are.” she observed. She turned back to Snips and asked calmly, “Why are my books on fire?” “Sorry Miss Twilight…” said Snails, hanging his head in shame. “I’m not very good at controlling my magic yet…” Twilight sighed as she watched Spike grab a fire extinguisher and rush towards the blaze. “It’s fine. Let’s just go see what the deal is with that stage so I can come back here and cry myself to sleep. Again.” Spike wiped the sweat from his brow as he looked at the smoldering ashes of what used to be Twilight’s books. “At least the fire’s out.” “Twilight?” asked Pinkie. “Why is your bookcase on fire?” “God damn it, Snails!” Sometime after two more fires: Twilight, Spike, Pinkie, Snips, and Snails arrived at the town square to find most of Ponyville eagerly watching the stage. They made their way to the front of the crowd, where Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Rarity were standing. “Rarity, what’s going on?” asked Twilight. “I don’t know.” said Rarity. “I was in my shop, thinking about my dream stallion when I heard that there was a stage here.” Rarity looked down at Spike and said, “You know what I love in a man, Spike? Facial hair. I would love a man with a thick moustache.” “Really?” said a depressed Spike. “Well, that…doesn’t make me feel like killing myself at all…” “That reminds me.” said Twilight. She turned towards Pinkie and asked, “Why did you throw an electric razor at Spike’s moustache?” Pinkie laughed and patted Twilight on the head. “Oh Twilight, you can’t always expect my usual brand of randomness. I gotta keep you little fuckers on your toes.” “…Pinkie, I don’t have toes.” said Twilight, lifting her hoof. “That,” answered Pinkie, “is why you fail.” “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!” Shouted a voice from the speakers on the stage. “Prepare yourselves for the amazing feats of magic that you are about to see! You marveled at her in Manehatten. You cheered for her in Canterlot! She blew your mind in Las Pegasus and made you shit your pants in Trottingham! Introducing the great! The powerful! TRIXIE!” Smoke flooded the stage and a mare wearing a purple hat and cloak suddenly appeared with a bright flash. She smiled as the crowd ooh’d and awe’d. The mare shouted, “I am the great and powerful Trixie! I have graced your town with my presence and out of the goodness of my heart, I have decided to show you amazing magical feats absolutely free!” “Free?” yelled someone in the crowd. “I paid 60 bits to be here!” “I paid a hundred!” yelled someone else. Trixie quickly kicked a bag of bits behind the stage curtain. “Let’s not get hung up on the details.” She cleared her throat and continued, “Trixie has spent years traveling across Equestria, honing her magic! Now, prepare your simple minds as I show you the results of my studies!” She posed as fireworks went off behind her. The crowd cheered wildly. “Wow! Real magic!” said someone. “I know, right?” said someone else. “It’s not like 1/3 of our race can do it, or anything!” “Wow.” said Rarity. “And here I thought Rainbow Dash had an ego.” “Oh yeah, Rarity?!” said Rainbow Dash, swaying slightly. “Well…your ego has…you…fuck you.” She laughed as she put an arm around Applejack. “Got her there, the stupid biznitch!” She grabbed a bottle next to her and drank from it. “Dash…are you drunk?” asked Applejack. “…If I said yes, will you be disappointed in me?” “Yes.” “Then no!” said Rainbow as she took another swig from her bottle. Applejack shrugged Rainbow Dash off of her. Rainbow stumbled and fell over. “Oh god, the world is spinning again…” mumbled Rainbow as she curled up in the fetal position. “She’s been like this since Gilda’s party.” explained Fluttershy. “She hasn’t got her angry sex yet.” “Oh yeah?” challenged Rainbow from the ground. “I bet you haven’t got your forgiveness sex yet.” Fluttershy blushed and mumbled, “I wouldn’t say that…” Applejack rolled her eyes before turning back to Twilight and the others. “Ignorin’ Rainbow for now, Ah’d have to say that Ah agree with Rarity.” She looked up on stage where Trixie was desperately trying to put out a curtain that had gotten ignited by one of the fireworks. “This gal seems like she loves to show off.” “Just because she’s good at something doesn’t mean she’s better than everyone else.” explained Rarity. “…But Rainbow Dash does that all the time.” pointed out Twilight. “True…” said Rainbow as she clumsily got back up. “But unlike her, I am better than everyone else. I’ll prove it too!” Rainbow Dash pulled herself on to the stage and pointed a wobbly hoof at Trixie. “Alright you! Let’s do this shit!” Trixie paused in trying to beat out the flames of the curtain with her hat. “Can Trixie help you?” Rainbow Dash paused. “Why am I up here again?!” she yelled at the others. “I think you were going to challenge her to something stupid.” supplied Spike. “Right, right!” Rainbow turned back to Trixie. “I challenge you to something stupid!” Trixie stared at her for a moment. “…Such as?” she asked. “Oh shit, son.” said Dash. She turned back to the others and asked, “What should I challenge her to?” “Challenge her to flying, ya dumbass!” yelled Applejack. “Got it!” Rainbow turned to Trixie again. “I challenge you to flying, ya dumbass!” “…You are aware that Trixie doesn’t have wings, right?” asked Trixie. “That sounds like a personal problem!” said Dash. She grabbed another bottle and took a drink from it. “One for the road!” said Dash as she tossed the bottle away. “Are you sure you’re alright to fly?” asked Twilight, nervously watching her friend from the crowd. “Don’t worry nerd!” said Rainbow as she got ready to take off. “I drunk better when I’m fly!” And with that, Rainbow Dash took off from the stage and flew up in the air… …And promptly crashed back onto the stage. The others watched as Rainbow’s face turned an unpleasant shade of green. “Oh god…” she muttered as she put a hoof to her mouth. “Oh god…oh god…OH MY GO-” The crowd cringed as Dash lost her lunch all over the side of the stage. “Ew…” said Spike. “She even barfs in rainbow colors…” “Um…” said Trixie, nervously looking at Rainbow Dash. She cleared her throat, smiled triumphantly, and said, “You see? The great and powerful Trixie has used her magic to make this Pegasus sick!” “Wow!” said Snails. “That’s amazing!” said Snips. “Um…I’m pretty sure the beer had something to do with it…” yelled someone from the crowd. “Don’t believe me?” asked Trixie. “Then someone else come forward with a challenge! I’ll prove to you that Trixie is the most powerful pony in Equestria!” “Alright,” said Applejack as she got up on stage, “Ah’ll give it a shot!” Applejack turned back to the crowd and shouted, “APPLE BLOOM! GET MAH ROPE!” Apple Bloom walked towards the stage, dragging a rope. She threw the rope up into the air and yelled, “Catch!” Applejack tried to spot the rope, but the sun was in her eyes. “Ah can’t see it!” she yelled, covering her eyes. The rope landed on her and she panicked, flailing around wildly. In a few moments, Applejack was tied up in her own rope. “Damn it, Apple Bloom!” said Applejack as she struggled to get free. “…” Trixie stared at Applejack for a few seconds before turning to the crowd and laughing victoriously. “You see? Trixie has moved the sun in order to make this pony fail! Trixie’s magic rivals even Princess Celestia’s!” “Her magic is so strong!” said Snips. “She should rule Equestria!” said Snails. “The sun didn’t move any…” said someone in crowd. “That does it!” said Rarity. She got up on stage and said, “No one makes my friends look like idiots unless I can look better by comparison! I challenge you to…a dress-off!” “We have to take off dresses?” asked Trixie. “Trixie only did that to pay for her college tuition…” Rarity muttered something that sounded like “Fucking idiot” under her breath and said to Trixie, “No darling, we must create dresses.” Rarity’s horn started to glow as she activated her magic. “Like so…” Everyone watched as Rarity took one of the curtains from the stage and made herself an elegant dress from it. “Well Trixie?” asked Rarity, modeling her dress. “What do you say to that?” “…You picked the curtain that was on fire.” said Trixie. Rarity looked at the back of her dress, which was currently on fire. “So I did.” she said calmly. “Please excuse me.” Rarity walked off stage and walked away. The crowd watched as she disappeared behind a nearby building. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! SOMEBODY HELP ME GET THIS DRESS OFF!” Spike and several others in the audience ran off, each saying, “I’m on it!” Trixie laughed uproariously. “Trixie knew that she would get challenged to a dress-making competition! She purposely ignited her own curtain just in case!” Trixie continued to lie to the crowd, “Trixie has a plan for everything! Even if you brought an Ursa Major to confront her, she would still find a way to beat it!” “We love you Trixie!” yelled Snips. “You’re the best!” agreed Snails. “Yeah right.” said someone in the crowd. “This is stupid.” “There’s no way she could beat an Ursa Major!” said another heckler. “I took off Rarity’s dress!” said Spike cheerfully as he walked back to the crowd. “Spike,” began Fluttershy, “We don’t normally wear clothes anyway.” “I know!” said Spike. “It’s awesome!” “Is there anyone else that wants to challenge me?!” asked Trixie. “I’ll be more than happy to humiliate someone else.” “We’ve got someone to challenge you alright!” said Spike. “And she’ll beat you too! And her name is Twilight-” Spike turned around and noticed that Twilight was no longer there. “Sparkle?” “Um…she left awhile ago.” said Pinkie. “She said she had some reading to do.” “What!?” asked Spike. He ran off towards the library. With no other challengers, the crowd began to disperse. Trixie heard several passing ponies mutter insults at her. “Fools.” said Trixie. “They’ll see soon enough! Trixie is the most powerful pony in Equestria!” She huffed and left the stage. Snails watched as Trixie disappeared behind the curtain. “Snips,” he began slowly, “No one believes that Trixie is good at magic. We should help her prove that she’s the best in Equestria!” “Yeah!” agreed Snips. “…How?” “Hmm…” said Snails as he thought for a moment. “I think I have an idea…”