//------------------------------// // 4. Very Naughty Indeed // Story: HUMAN in Equestria: A Conversion Bureau Story // by Chatoyance //------------------------------// The Conversion Bureau HUMAN in Equestria By Chatoyance 4. Very Naughty Indeed It was the Golden Age of Mankind. Nineteen billion human beings lived upon the earth, every single last one of them fed, every single last one of them watered and sheltered. Never before in history had there been such a population, never before in history had even the majority of humanity gone to bed with a full belly - much less the whole of humankind. War was a thing of the past. No armies marched and no nations clashed, for there were no more countries, and no more flags. There was only the Worldgovernment, arisen from the merger of the most powerful of the multinational corporations owned by the oldest, most powerful families. They had, in truth, always ruled - if from the shadows - but now they ruled openly with the fall of the planetary economy. When the Great Collapse had come, the world had not descended long into barbarism - instead, the Good Families had stepped in, and brought order and peace back. There had been a price to reach the Golden Age. The constant struggles for power and wealth and politics and ego had left the earth a dying planet. The oil was gone, the radium was gone, the precious metals wasted, the common metals spent. Much of the planet was a desert, and some of it had become poison zones of death. Almost all of the plants and animals were vanished now, and the oceans had died and turned gray. It was too late to try to leave the Earth for the stars. But Mankind, ever inventive, always clever, had put total planetary extinction in temporary check. Nanotechnology, machines the size of viruses and smaller, pushed molecules around like toy blocks, converting matter into whatever form was desired. Organic waste was converted back into food, lost metals were slowly regained from useless dispersion into the environment. The deadly water was purified and made potable on a scale that served the vast population. The Golden Age had arrived, but it came with a dying planet and the majority of mankind living in squalor - as they always had - but fed and watered and, for the most part, well. Yet it could not last. The damage done had been mortal, and the best scientists of the age had worked out that only three generations remained to the human species. After that, there would be no more. Then, one warm - it was always warm now, even in the refuge of the powerful, Antarctica - April day, a ten meter wide pearl appeared in the north Pacific. It was the beginning of the collision of two universes - Mundis and Equestria. The pearl was a hyperdimensional sphere, passing through the terrestrial plane of existence. As greater and greater cross-sections of the colliding cosmos became visible, the pearl grew in size, an expanding orb half in, and half out of the ocean. After the equinoid alien princess appeared in the sky, over every city, over the favelas and the fallen arcologies, after she had explained the magnitude of the multiversal collision, and offered the peoples of the doomed earth refuge within her own realm, the last of the retired generals came to the Good Families and presented their own take on the situation. It was an invasion, they said. It was green aliens attacking, it was the red commies again. It was the final judgement and the antichrist and the yellow peril and the hoards of Khan and the red injuns, and it was time to circle the wagons and play cowboy once more. And the Good Families were divided. Half saw the compassion and the generosity of the offer of salvation, and half saw deceit, because there was only deceit, all of history was deceit, and it was all there could ever be. Stefan Albrecht Bettencourt had won the position of being the chief executive officer of corporate mankind. It was his call, and he made it based on the whole of human history. The oceans soon boiled, and the skies burned above the pearl in the sea. But Equestra was not earth, and its history was not human. Bettencourt's decision was made from the wrong set of data. Everywhere he walked, now, Stefan Bettencourt had company. He had company when he slept, and company when he did his business on the toilet. Everywhere he went, she was there. Celestia. The princess of Equestria, the diarch of the sun. He could see her, but not touch her. She passed through wall and table and chair like a shade from beyond. He could hear her, and she him, and she had a lot to say. Every single member of the Good Families had a Celestia of their own. Only they could see the projections of the princess, and when they gathered, the room was filled with pony ghosts - all eight feet tall, all luminous, all Celestia. One for every baby, every child, every adult. For the children, Celestia was a fairytale come true, and the children pressured their parents to trust the Equestrian monarch. But for the adults, Celestia was brutal truth and harsh reality. She granted them the most terrible of curses - the power to see what she saw, and it was horrible. Bettencourt looked at his hands, as he washed them in the sink. They were hollow, and empty. Through Celestia's curse, he could see, if he chose, through the eyes of a god. He could focus with supernal vision down into the molecules that made him up, down to the very level of protons and neutrons, down to quarks and strings. The new vision of the Good Families had been tested and studied relentlessly over the months. What they saw was true, and could be proven and documented. The adults could see the molecular machinery that made up the living cell, watch their own clockwork run in real time, see what scientists could only dream of. The ruling class of earth had been given the power to see reality truly as it was, indeed they could not stop seeing it. And wherever they looked, they saw only molecules and atoms and emptiness. The universe was truly a material one, devoid of spirit, or soul, or god. It was just as science had always clearly stated - a mechanical, material, purposeless temporary arrangement of order within a larger, uncaring chaos. But they could see more. They could now see beyond the cosmos in which they lived, and there, beyond Mundis, were countless other universes. Most were dark and empty, but some few were alive. These universes were bursting with life, real life, and real life was magic. Real life had soul and spirit and purpose and meaning. Closest of all was the universe of Equestria, looming like a truck, inevitably approaching on a collision course with the earth. When Equestria had passed, the earth would be gone, and with it every last human and every last remaining creature of materialistic nature. It was horrible. To know, to see, for certain and without question that death was forever, that only oblivion awaited. That all the mundane universe truly was an accident. That all around were countless other universes where life - real life- lived and loved and played forever and ever. Stefan Bettencourt had spent his life acquiring. All the Good Families lived to acquire. Acquisition of material wealth and social power was their purpose, their religion, and their meaning. And now they knew that in the cosmic scheme of things, they were all the lowest of paupers. The realization stung. It burned. It made them rage. But still, they could not comprehend the princess. It was not within their understanding to give without expectation of repayment. The world was a business, and no business could run at a loss. There was never enough of anything, and only he who controlled resources, controlled life. Celestia's offer of sanctuary must be a trick. So they got together and created a trick of their own, in return. The Covenant was written by their best and most devious artists of law and logic. If they must escape to Equestria as begging refugees, then they would be damned to settle for common lives. The Good Families were the true worth of humanity, and they deserved better. They would have a fortress of their own, and palaces and mansions, all arranged according to rank and class. They would have no end of wealth, and no end of resources. They would keep their thumbs and their precious human shapes. They would remain cunning primates and not end up as mooing beasts of the field. In a universe of mere ponies, they would remain the only true humans. And, from that, they knew they would one day rise again. And rule. And on that day, the princess would, like so many kings and queens of earth before her, become theirs to command. What had been on earth, would be again in Equestria. The princess had balked, as they knew she would, and so they held the common rabble for hostage. There would be no ponification unless their demands were met. The Covenant was changed and altered on an hourly basis, passed between princess and humanity until, finally, the clever, clever artists of law signaled that the Families had the advantage. And so they had signed, and the groundwork for the first Conversion Bureau had been laid. At the time, Stefan Bettencourt had chortled. They had beaten the pony princess at her own game. They had been so very, very clever indeed. "It's real. Just like you said!" Asher Brin stared at the chestnut filly with the yellow mane. "I reckoned that you just had a stuffed one made. Does it do tricks?" Seraphina, Milo, Isla and Oliver just stood with disbelieving looks on their faces. Seraphina was smiling but uncertain, Isla looked puzzled, Milo had his back pressed to the wall, and Oliver looked like he might cry, though from what emotion it was impossible to tell. "Her name is Plantain, and she isn't an 'it', she's a person. A pony person." Petra felt insulted for her friend, and for herself. She was regretting including Asher now. "And of course she is real. I do not tell lies." "Excuse me, miss pony..." Oliver was overweight and his hair was too long. His mother was the lowest member of all of the ruling families of earth. Petra had never met him before today, but she had deliberately sought him out first. If she was going to be very, very naughty, she intended to break every rule she possibly could. "Plantain. Just call me Plantain!" The pony smiled, then bent her head and nuzzled her lapine best friend. "And this is Crème!" Oliver went down onto his knees, his bulk slamming them into the floor of Petra's bedroom. Outside, the moon was high in the midnight sky. "I got to meet another pony before!" Oliver seemed as if he were in a trance. "Her name was Jewel Star and she told my mom where to go to catch up with the others when we got off the boat!" Plantain smiled. "That's very interesting. Now you've met another!" Plantain did a little bow with one leg on the floor and the other raised close to her body. "My name is Oliver. Oliver Sachs and I think you are very nice." Oliver wiped the hair out of his eyes with a pudgy hand and sat down the rest of the way on the floor, beaming. "Are you a boy pony or a girl pony?" Asher had frowned at Oliver. Oliver shouldn't even be here. This was the Bettencourt mansion. Oliver was practically a lesser, and he acted like it too. Plantain seemed surprised. "I'm a filly!" Asher didn't seem to understand. "A girl pony. You really can't tell?" "You all look the same to me." Asher stepped back and leaned against a beam with his arms crossed. He didn't seem particularly happy about meeting an ordinary pony for the first time. "I remember Celestia. She told me that the whole world here is filled with ponies. She said they were all nice and would be my friend." Isla was mid-tier, she kept to herself. The other children thought she was slow. "Would... would you be my friend?" Plantain giggled and swished her tail. "I'd be happy to be your friend... um...." "Isla. My name is Isla." Isla Draghi twisted a lock of her short, raven hair around a finger and looked embarrassed. "I hope... I hope I end up as pretty as you when I'm a pony." "Are you sure we can make it?" Milo Cameron was staring straight at Petra. "I don't even want to think what my father will do if we get caught." "If you are too afraid, you need not come. No one is forcing you." Petra was annoyed. Boys were such cowards. "But this is probably your only chance to be a pony, ever, so I wouldn't miss it if I were you!" "I am definitely going, Milo." Seraphina Hollande was fifteen, which made her the oldest. But she was also very short for her age, which sometimes made it hard for the other children to take her seriously. "I have never forgotten Celestia, or her promise. I don't know about you, but I've just been waiting for a chance!" Asher glared at Plantain. "Hey, pony. You certain there's a way out through the wall?" Plantain glared right back. "How do you think I got in here?" Asher chuckled bitterly. "Maybe you were let in. Maybe you're here to help them figure out who the losers are." Plantain's fierceness collapsed. "W-what?" "Don't you think it's weird?" Asher looked from child to child. "One of the adults kicks the bucket, they call Celestia here, and now we have a pony who says there's a hole in the wall and we can all leave, just like that." "Celestia... the princess was here?" Petra hadn't explained all the things she had seen to Isla yet. It had taken the first half of the night just to find anyone she could get to, whom she knew truly wanted to be a pony. "What? You didn't know?" Asher smirked. "Celestia was here, right here, at the Muleskinner. They summoned her and everything." "But... the princess was here?" Isla seemed shocked, sad, puzzled and amazed all at once. Petra found her shifting and complex expressions fascinating. "Yea. I said somebody croaked. It was a big deal." Asher sat down on Petra's bed. It may be the high-and-mighty Bettencourt mansion, but it wasn't like little Petra was acting the part. Asher did a little bounce, just for the fun of it. Stupid Bettencourts. Oliver leaned close to Plantain. "I want to be just like you." He whispered. "Please take us to Celestia." Plantain blinked and nodded, unsure how to respond. "I'll do my best. I need to see Celestia too." "Why do you need to see the princess?" Asher's suggestion that the pony might be some kind of agent provocateur had bothered Seraphina. There were more things to worry about than just parents. Seraphina's father believed that Celestia had deliberately destroyed the earth and that she secretly ate human children. It sounded utterly stupid, but he was an adult. "My mom doesn't want me to be an entertainer. She wants me to be some fancy pony in Canterlot, but I want to stay with the Happy Pony Show." Plantain sighed. "I'm going to ask the princesses for emancipation. That's why I hid out here - it's on the way, and my mom would never ever dare to come near this place." Seraphina nodded. "That, I understand. I guess, in a way, that's what we're all doing." "What's... emanci... pation?" Isla looked up from where she had sat down on the floor near Crème Bûnnée. Crème had seemed to take a liking to her, and was sitting in her lap, letting her scratch behind the little bunny's ears. "It's a divorce. From your parents." Milo put a hand through his midnight hair. "This isn't just running away, is it? This is forever. If we become ponies, they won't ever want us back." The realization was just now truly hitting the boy. "Screw my dad." Asher's hands were down now at his sides on the bed, making fists. "Screw all of our dads." Plantain jerked at the emotional impact. Isla's mouth dropped open. Milo looked worried. Oliver shrank slightly. Petra started to giggle nervously, then caught herself. "I wasn't sure you were actually with us." Seraphina seemed impressed. Asher leaned back on his arms. "Oh I want to be a pony. It's all I've wanted since..." Asher's voice caught for a moment. He stared at the comforter. "I just don't want to get caught. I also... I don't want to be changed by Celestia. I want Luna." Petra turned to face the boy. "What... why don't you want Celestia to change you? She's... she's Celestia!" There was anger in Asher's eyes. "Yeah, and she left. She just left. When our parents signed that thing? She... left." "It was in the Covenant. She had to. She didn't want to. Didn't she tell you that before she went?" Saraphina shook her head. Asher tried to burn a hole through the comforter with his eyes. "She left." "Alright, everyone. If we're all going to do this, there are things that need doing." Petra was worried about the time. They had to escape before morning, before the adults got up. "And I need your help, because there are lives that need saving and if we're going to be ponies, we need to start acting like ponies now." Grunthas slept in the Dog House with his seven brothers. Grunthas took care of the hunt and the slaughtering, so he was considered the Alpha. He got the top bunk in the best room. Grunthas was the sous chef under Snivelina, so he got second bunk. Grunthas, Grunthas, and Grunthas, because they were the human master's carriage team, got the next best beds, while Grunthas and Grunthas - who did the pantry and the yard work respectively, got the next room to themselves. Grunthas, however, was the runt of the litter, and his job was toiletries and the Bettencourt dung cart. He slept out in the special barn, away from the mansion and the Dog House, at the far end of the Bettencourt grounds. The Bettencourts, being First Family, naturally claimed control of the very limited and highly secret meat supply within the Human Masada. The humans weren't supposed to keep animals for food. Celestia had included elements from the Pax Equestria within the Covenant. The Pax Equestria was the ancient treaty between the dragons, the griffons, and later, the diamond dogs, that determined the boundaries of the lands given to them and especially what - or more precisely who - they could and could not eat. Under the Pax, only those creatures deemed violent, evil, or destructive could be legally hunted by the three species. Thus the underworld of Tartarus, the monsters of the Everfree, and the twisted interdimensional creatures that skulked at the boundaries of Equestrian space were allowed, but ponies and all their gentle kin were not. There had been exceptions made for distant and hostile regions - the diamond dogs and griffons could raise rabbits in the barren deserts, and also in the frozen, desolate north. But within the green and lush center of Equestria, the slaughter of any animal was forbidden. Bettencourt was not alone in finding this prohibition unacceptable. Although they had many meat alternatives available, the human leaders were not about to have a mere pony - even if she was a princess - arbitrarily dictate whether or not they could enjoy bacon. "It's a man's right to eat bacon, dammit!" was the consensus, and the humans had already determined the exact limits of the princesses abilities. Within their cosmos, the two princesses were gods. They had nearly absolute power - but that power was defined in intriguing ways. The princesses could will continents to move, mountains to form, oceans to come into being - but such massive force could easily wipe out all life that might exist in such areas. As far as the humans were able to learn, the princesses used their true powers only once, in the beginning, when they had wrestled their lands from some terrible chaotic state. They had brought life into being, and the similarities to terrestrial life had convinced the human scientists during the Bureau years that the princesses must have been studying the earth and that they had based their creations on what they saw there. But life is fragile, and once fashioned, the princesses were stuck with the world they had created, lest they destroy countless of their own children. Away from Equestria, scientists noted that the princesses became weaker with each kilometer from the Barrier - they drew their awesome might from their home, and lost their power with distance from it. There had been plans to try to use that fact to human advantage, but the plot had never come to fruition. The princesses were powerful too on the most microscopic of scales. It had been theorized that they relied on magical programs - spells - that used logical structures to perform repetitive tasks. This, it had been decided, was how the princesses had converted the flesh of the Good Families atom by atom into Dweonic matter. The one scale the princesses appeared to be limited on was the scale of everyday things. Creatures who could move the sun and moon, who could paint the very stars, or manipulate the cores of atoms were simply too powerful to be in full control at the level of people and ponies. They were over-muscled and lacked flexibility. They were too powerful, and thus dared not express their power dramatically, like the Greek gods of mythology. In this way, they had limits, boundaries created by their own morality and compassion towards mortal creatures. They had areas of vulnerability. Any limitation is an avenue for exploitation. The princesses dare not use their powers fully, and the humans soon realized that the princesses did not know everything. They could make an entire universe, but they saw not where every sparrow fell. They could be fooled, and things could be hidden from them. And many things were hidden from the princesses. Opening the pen was easy, keeping the pigs and chickens quiet was not. "Please, Beaktrice, Shhhh!" The pigs had introduced everyone, which had taken entirely too long, and once the notion of freedom and escape had been understood, all the animals had become terribly excited. The pigs could talk, of course, but the chickens could not, and they were terribly emotional. Petra finally put her fingers around the chicken's beak until she got the idea. "I'm sorry. It's hard for us. We never expected..." Hamton was sobbing again, which was threatening to make Cutler and Tourt Pière choke up with emotion once more. Rescuing intelligent animals was much more difficult than the cartoons made it out to be. In real life, it wasn't an adventure, it was rescue from a horrific death. The pigs and chickens weren't so much funny animals as concentration camp prisoners. They were very aware of their situation, and this was making things difficult for the children. "Good pigs! Dear chickens! Listen to me!" Petra had entirely enough at this point, the night was passing far too quickly, and they had yet to even leave the Masada. "If you wish to live, you need to be strong now! There must be no more fussing and carrying on!" Petra felt like her mother was inside her somehow. "I need you to be completely quiet and think only of following me out of here. Not a peep now, out of any of you. Especially you, Beaktrice. Wattlesworth? Watch your hen! Now come on!" With Beaktrice whimpering and Hamton sniffling, Petra led the four pigs and three chickens carefully to the barn doors. Milo and Oliver stood ready to use Petra's comforter and a rope to bundle up and tie down Grunthas the runt if he should wake up. Milo had originally thought of beating the diamond dog with a baseball bat, but it had been pointed out to him that such a thing was impossible now. The capacity to kill or cause serious harm had been taken from humans during their transmogrification into Equestrian matter. It was in the Covenant, and it had been the one thing that Celestia had been absolutely unwilling to negotiate. This, of course, was why their parents used only diamond dog servants, and didn't ever allow ponies in their homes. The dogs, for their part, were refugees just like the humans, and they felt comfortable in the company of other apex predators. The diamond dogs could kill, and they could slaughter, and - much to the joy of the human adults - they were utterly loyal to their masters, and were fantastic cooks besides. Petra stepped carefully through the hay until she was out into the night air. She waited by the narrowly open barn door for the last of the animals to leave. Penderloin snorted as the fresh night air assaulted his piggy nose, but the diamond dog did not wake. All the pigs, chickens and children were out into the Bettencourt grounds, under Luna's shining moon and glittering stars. The pigs wanted to cry, for they had thought they would never see the stars again, but they were silent with reverent awe as the ungainly troupe made their way to where Plantain, Crème, and the other children waited. "Hello!" Hamton stepped forward towards Asher. "I'm Hamton, and this is Cutler - he's the one with the floppy ear - and Penderloin - bit of a berk but he's alright..." Hamton gestured with a trotter "and Tourt Pière, who..." "Mother fu... you can really talk!" Hamton felt flustered. "Of course? Ponies can talk, so why wouldn't..." "I think I ate your mother last week!" Asher knew he shouldn't have made the joke the minute he said it, but it was too late. It was only a joke. That's all he'd meant by it. But now the pigs were crying and the pig who had been talking to him was wailing loudly and Petra was not succeeding in hushing the creature up. "What going on?" the scratchy, shrill voice of a diamond dog somehow managed to reach from the Dog House across the grounds. Of course, Petra thought, the dogs had incredible ears. They slept hard, but enough noise would wake them even from their deep sleep. The strangest things would startle Cruddles the maid - Petra could stomp to the bathroom late at night and the dog wouldn't wake. But if Petra was moaning in her sleep from a bad dream, she would wake to find Cruddles stroking her head. Yowling pigs would have to be one of the things that could wake diamond dogs. "What now? They'll find us for sure!" Milo was very nervous as the sound of something metal and buckety could be heard crashing in the Dog House. Doubtless the Grunthas brothers were all awake now. "I'm scared!" Isla was holding Crème, who seemed to enjoy her attentions. Crème jumped from her grasp and climbed the poor girl to stand on her shoulder, riding the child as if she were a Giant Robo. The little bunny began fiercely waving a paw at the wall. "We simply must get our provisions! Food and water and..." Petra turned towards the pile they had hidden in the bushes near the front of the mansion. "No." Asher no longer looked bitter or tough. Now he looked like a very little child, frightened to the very core. "Pony! Get us through the wall!" The very blond boy stared with wide eyes at Plantain. "Get us through the wall. Now. Please. Please." Not one of the children had ever seen Asher look frightened before. Angry, mean, rude... but never frightened. That made them feel fear too. "I agree. We need to leave now. Right now." Seraphina also turned to Plantain. "Get us out of here, please." Plantain's ears jerked and her nostrils flared. "Yes... come on, this way." "But our supplies!" Back on earth, in Antarctica, there was nothing beyond the domes except the last of the snow and barren ground. She had been told to never stray, and had heard stories of children who had died out in the bare rock and gravel. "Come on, Petra." Plantain took the girl's sleeve in her mouth and gave it a brief tug. "It'll be okay. We need to go now." Petra took one last look at the bushes and followed. By the time they had gotten to the far front corner of the Masada wall, the pigs had finally quieted down. Asher spent the walk to the wall first belittling the pigs for failing to take a joke properly, and then, when that had not worked, he had resorted to apologizing profusely. Eventually, Hamton was convinced Asher truly was sorry, and by then even Asher was convinced he was truly sorry. The pigs, chickens, humans, bunny and pony made their way through the trees that bordered the wall. The trees were tall and fully grown, a testament it seemed, to earthpony magic. The wall had been breached. The stones that made up that part had been neatly kicked in from the outside. Petra looked at the hole in astonishment. The stones were huge, and very heavy. Plantain grinned. "Earthpony. We're strong!" It was morning as the human children and the Equestrians made their way over the rolling hills that surrounded the Canterlot Range. There was no way to simply cut directly around the mountains themselves. Equestria had very different physics than the universe in which the earth had floated, and the angle of repose was very high. Mountains could be nearly vertical, like cones, and utterly unclimbable by legs alone. The Canterlot Range was unassailable to anything without wings, and so they would need to go the long way around. Plantain had an idea of the path to take, one that would avoid her mother's plantation, and the most obvious path to Canterlot itself. "When your parents realize you are missing, where do you think they'll figure you went?" Isla, Seraphina and Petra all lowered their heads. Petra sighed. "Canterlot. It's the only place. Mother knows that I want to be a pony, Father too. Now that I know they have lied to me, I can be sure that they will expect me to run to Celestia." "Or Luna." Asher grumbled. "I want Luna." "Or Luna." Petra agreed. It simply wouldn't do to have Asher moody again. He might upset the pigs.