Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
Equestria Girls
Dear Princess Celestia,
You sure know how to put on a Princess Summit. First, make everyone come up north instead of going to the center of the country. Then, have a grand entrance for me, complete with a trumpet fanfare, and then proceed to tell everypony to go to bed thirty seconds later. What was this summit for anyway? Am I finally going to get a proper place to rule over instead of the Kingdom of Suck?
Also, thank you so much for putting Rainbow Dash and Applejack together in the same room. Thank you for making it right next to mine. All they did was rail each other all night. I couldn't get to sleep because I couldn't control my wingboner. I knew I was out of luck because Fax Machine wouldn't be able to get me off either. Useless dragon.
I've also got to hand it to Cadance on the fabulous security she has here. I mean, we've got every single ruler of Equestria sleeping under one roof, and there's only one guard patrolling the halls. I'd hate to see what would happen if somepony snuck in under a cardboard box or something.
So after I finally get to sleep, somepony sneaks in and takes my crown right off the night stand, replacing it with one of those cardboard ones from the Hay King filly meals. They probably would've gotten away with it if Fax Machine didn't sprawl out over the edges of his bed. So we give chase, and I manage to tackle her at ta dead end. Except it's not a dead end. The crown goes through the mirror, and the thief promptly goes after it. Instead of following her and solving this thing right away, I had to first go get you and find out what the hell was going on.
So hold on a minute. Let's back the fuck up here. This thief, Sunset Shimmer, was your student right before me? I'm...I'm just sloppy seconds? And instead of running off to some backwater town of hicks when she finally gets sick of your shit, she crosses over into an alternate plane of existence?
Why didn't I think of that?
So now I have to go after her, because nopony had the foresight to make a useless replica of my crown stictly for ceremonial purposes. And I have to go alone, of course. I can't force my friends along in case I need a meat shield or two. Nope, we have to be careful not to “upset the balance” of this other world. Doesn't anypony want to screw up the balance of another realm just once? Just to see what happens? No?
That's what's wrong with all of you. You have no sense of fun when it comes to inter-dimensional crises.
So I go through the mirror portal, and because my slave conditioning worked so well that he has no purpose without his mistress, Spike follows me shortly after. When I come to, I discover that Spike has turned into a dog, and I...have transformed into a hornless, wingless, magicless, purple-skinned, bi-pedal, anorexic marketing ploy. What. The. Fuck.
After testing the integrity of the doors with my face, I head inside, and discover that the portal has dropped me off at a school. It doesn't take long to discern that this Canterlot High is an alternate plane of Equestria. There's even been a dictator running this school for over a millennium, no doubt after wrestling control away from the Marching Band director and turning him to stone.
The first of my anthropomorphized friends I run into is Fluttershy, who managed to take the crown and give it to Principal Celestia before Sunset Shimmer returned. After visiting with the principal, I realized I would need to compete for the title of Princess of the Fall Formal, and who is in charge of signing people up? Why Pinkie Pie of course. Yeah, their names are exactly the same. So either this world is a direct parallel of Equestria, or humans are as screwed up at naming as we ponies are. Pinkie gave me a clipboard to fill out for the competition. Did you know she has pens stashed all over the school in case of pen emergencies? Then Applejack and her brother come in with the cider for the formal. If it is anything like her cider in Equestria, then this school has a serious problem.
From talking with some of them, I begin to realize that there is some obvious tension between these versions of my friends. But in order to secure votes for Princess, I can't worry about them. So in order to blend in better, I head to the library to find out more about their society. That was an adventure all its own. The books were alright, and tasted pretty good too, but once I found this place called the Internet...just...there are very few words to describe the horrors I discovered. For example, did you know in this world, there are adults who watch cartoons for little girls? How twisted is that? I bet there are even some freaks out there that sexualize it or their pleasure. And don't even get me started on these pages called “social networking sites.” It enables even the stupidest, most uninformed people to spread their worthless, meaningless opinions. I even gave Spike's mechanical counterpart in this world a try. Sure, it was a little bright, not to mention considerably bigger, but at least it didn't talk back. I don't have to keep it fed either. I'm totally taking this thing back through the portal.
So I'm at that all day, and then I realized that I didn't have a place to stay for the night. But for once, it seemed that Fax machine actually managed to accomplish something, perhaps because he feared for his single purpose in life. Since there were no security cameras, and the physical security was even more terrible than Cadance's, he constructed a bed made entirely of books. I then delve into a yearbook, and realize that when they first came to school here, that my five friends were at one point friends with each other. What could have driven them apart, and more importantly, could I also emulate those conditions back in Equestria?
But that's not the best part. That night, laying there alone, I discovered the best part of being a human. The things that I could do with these fingers! They were SO much better than hooves. When I get back home, I'm going to try to create a spell that gives me these babies every night. I will never need anypony ever again.
So the next morning, I get up determined to pass as a popular human in high school. I figured it would be easy; just put out. Spike seemed surprised that I made a list, that it was so unlike me. You're right Spike. It is unlike me, because I usually make you do it! But as I walked the halls, all they did was laugh at me. I was clueless until Rarity dragged me into a classroom and attempted to disguise me to no avail. My other friends came in and recognized me instantly, much to Rarity's annoyance. Pinkie showed me an online video showing Sunset narrating my admittedly humorous attempts at adapting to this new body. I could not believe she was starting to use political attack ads on me! Then as they started arguing with each other again, I was able to break it up and determine that Sunset Shimmer had split my friends up, and separated the student body into easily-controlled cliques, which is how she remained intimidating and relatively unopposed.
In short, that bitch is fucking brilliant. If she didn't steal from me we'd probably be best friends. I wonder if she's any good in bed. But first I'd have to find out if she's a fillyfooler, or whatever they're called in this world. There was certainly no shortage of them on the Internet, I'll tell you that much.
So we had to restore my image. But first I had a great idea for some potentially hilarious fun. Since we determined that Sunset Shimmer was behind all the feuds, Applejack and Rainbow included, I convinced AJ to make up. I figure this could end in one of two ways; one good , one bad, and both end up with the two of them rolling around on the field.
So as they talked, I was honestly expecting Bad Outcome: Catfight on the Soccer Field. But then they hugged, so I figured were were headed towards Good Outcome: Make Up and Make Out. But then I realized this place was a perfect mirror of Equestria because they weren't romantically involved at all. Sucks. I was hoping for a show. But they just hugged and that was it. So before she agrees to help, Rainbow challenges me to a soccer game. I wish I had my magic, because I would have totally kicked her ass. But it turns out she just wanted to test my determination. So then we go to some place called Starbucks. We didn't have to go far, seriously, they're on every corner. After spilling my drink on that cutie Flash, Rarity reveals that he was Sunset's ex, and had broken up with her several weeks prior. So I'm guessing she's not that great in bed. Oh come on, like it could be anything else? Guys only have their minds on one thing in this world. It's the exact same thing they have their minds on back home. Still, if he wanted to get in bed with me, I probably wouldn't object. He does resemble Shining Armor, after all.
So we begin to debate on how to win the students over. Rarity sees this as a perfect opportunity to hock some of her merchandise. She must make a killing at conventions. So overnight, we planned, wrote, and choreographed the catchiest song ever. The next day, the cafeteria crowd absolutely ate it up. That damn song is going to be stuck in my head for hours.
So Sunset's next move was to show off her amazing Photoshop skills, trying to make it look like I trashed the gym. Seriously. Security cameras. They do wonders. Luckily Flash was still looking to get in my skirt, because he gathered evidence from the library trash, clearing my name. Unfortunately, because of the vandalism, the Formal was bumped up to the night after the portal closed. So I panicked, making Flash think I rejected him. I go to my friends, revealing that I'm a namby pamby pony princess. Well, actually, Pinkie said all that. They were surprisingly cool with it. Honestly it wasn't the way I would have revealed my true form. If I had it my way, I would have gotten Flash in bed, things would get hot and heavy, then when everything was said and done, I'd lean in close and whisper in his ear, “You just fucked a pony.”
So we go back to the gym, where Pinkie laments about her lack of a party cannon. In hindsight, I probably could have gone back through the portal, gotten pony Pinkie's cannon and brought it to the gym. So after hitting Fluttershy in the head with a broom, we set to work. Pretty soon, we had half of the school helping. Once we're all set up, Principal Celestia applauds us on saving the school's budget from cleanup costs. So on their way out, everyone casts their votes, and we all go to slut ourselves up.
So the dance begins, and on my way in, Flash asks me again for a dance. He must really want some. I'll lead him on a bit, but I'm already in a relationship. With my fingers.
Everything goes smoothly up until I am given the crown and title of Fall Formal Princess. Snips and Snails proceed to snatch Spike and run outside, where Sunset is waiting by the portal with a sledgehammer. She demands the crown, or threatens to smash the portal. I don't really see how that would have been possible. I think all she would have accomplished is cracking somepony's skull on the other side. Which, honestly, would be hilarious.
So I figure I have two options: 1. Track down my human counterpart in this world, kill her, and hide the body. I proceed to forget about Equestria and live life as a human. 2. Rush Sunset and go through the portal, shattering the mirror on the other side.
Ah, but then there's the hidden third option: be a fucking hero, recklessly toss the crown around and accidentally throw it right to Sunset. She puts it on and transforms into a demon. Personally, I loved that part. “I'm not a monster, Twilight,” she said. Two minutes later, monster. She brainwashes the student body and reveals her true plan: to invade Equestria with her teenage army.
Really...? Because I'd love to watch her do that. She seriously thinks that 50 teenagers can help her conquer Equestria? I'm sure you and Luna have never encountered the unstoppable power of acne and body odor. So go ahead. I'll go get popcorn. If I were a true human I'd be insulted. She wants to conquer another world instead of the human one. Guess what bipeds? That means your world sucks pretty bad.
But then again, why should I let her carry out what would probably be remembered as the most hilarious attack on Equestria? Why not kick her bitch ass right now? Sure, you have teens and fireballs. But now behold the power of pony ears, horns, wings, and hair extensions! Wait...wait, what? No horns? Ah fuck that shit.
I'd actually love to know what the Elements of Harmony actually do. Because that's the second time in my memory where someone got blasted with it then emerged in remorseful tears. Also, how do you control what they do? When you used them, they turned Sombra to shadow, encased Discord in stone, and shot your sister to the moon. When we've used them, two times out of three we've only managed to perform exorcisms. Is there a switch on this thing I'm not seeing? Do the Elements do the judging themselves? Do they see if they can remove someone's bitterness and jealousy, and if not, THEN decides to unleash the rainbow buttsex laser? Anyways, I figured since the human counterparts to my friends were pretty much the same, that the greatest punishment would be to leave Sunset with them.
So now that we have six pony human hybrids, and a demolished entrance to the school, guess what we do next? Fuck yeah, time to go back inside and finish the fucking dance! Let's boogey the night away and forget all about the fate of the world hanging in the balance there five minutes ago. When you get set to leave the dance, please watch your step, as there is a crater where the front walk used to be.
After I say my goodbyes, I make my way back through the portal. Sunset, you are in for a world of hurt. When their government finds out what happened, they're going to abduct you and experiment to see if they can harness your demon powers for their military. All in the name of freedom and all that shit.
So all in all, thanks for that little departure, Princess. It was nice to see a version of you where you didn't fool everyone into thinking you control night and day. Although I did some research on the Internet when I was there. Did you know there's something called religion? I'm gonna start making religions here in Equestria, because it's pretty much the easiest way to start hilarious fights where absolutely nothing is accomplished.
Your soon-to-be Jesus Pony former student,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
P.S. Derpy