You were tired, your feet hurt, and you were cranky.
You had just finished yet another ten-hour shift, and you were exhausted. Other than a couple of short breaks and a half-hour for lunch, you had basically worked non-stop running back and forth along the needlessly long aisle of the sorting room. Before starting that job, you would have never imagined you would actually find yourself envying a pony of all creatures. What you wouldn’t give for a horn so you could just send the letters flying to their cubby holes with magic while you put your feet up and sat comfortably, preferably with a mug of coffee in one hand.
“See yah tomorrow!” hollered a friendly voice from behind you.
You turned in time to see Derpy Hooves, one of the mail carriers, waving wildly to you as she left the building through an open window rather than the front door. Not a second later Raindrops, another mail carrier, came through the door staring in Derpy’s direction. She shook her head with a bemused smirk at Derpy’s choice of egress, then looked your way and waved much more subtly. You forced a smile and waved to both of them as they each headed their separate directions. No matter how crabby you felt after a shift, you made a point to be friendly to those two. It’s only thanks to them that you had gotten your job at Ponyville’s Post Office, and even though you hated working there, you wouldn’t have a bit to your name without it. You had made friends with those two the very day you arrived in Ponyville, at the welcome party that insane pink pony had ambushed you with, and they ended up going to great lengths to convince your boss that a human’s hands could sort mail just as well as a unicorn’s magic. It definitely didn’t hurt your chances that they had no unicorns on staff at the moment and were falling behind on mail deliveries, but the fact remains you’d be jobless without them.
By the time you reached your home, your feet were throbbing. You silently cursed at yourself for not thinking to buy new shoes before moving here. Of course you hadn’t considered the difficulty of finding clothing to fit a human in a land inhabited entirely by ponies, and the only set of footwear you had brought was a worn out pair of sneakers. You briefly considered continuing down the street to that boutique shop to ask if she could make shoes to fit human feet, but you shrugged the idea off. You had already shopped there once before and the owner, a unicorn who’s name escaped you at the moment, had done amazing work custom-tailoring an outfit to fit you. She had even been generous enough to give it to you for free as a welcome gift. She could definitely whip you up a good pair of shoes, but you just didn’t have the energy to sit there for what would probably be at least an hour while she measured your feet.
You put off getting new shoes until your day off, unlocked the door, and as you had hoped you were greeted by a darkened uninhabited home. You breathed a sigh of relief; Octavia was working late as usual. You flipped off the light and kicked your shoes off, then slumped down in the couch with a sigh of pure pleasure. You definitely needed some ‘me time’ to relax, which would normally be impossible in such a small house when you had a roommate. You didn’t make near enough money to get a place on your own, and the idea of sharing a home with creatures you really knew nothing about was terrifying. Luckily, you had struck gold with your roommate: Octavia was just about perfect. She was clean, quiet, and she was in a band and spent practically every evening playing gigs or rehearsing while you spend days working at the post office. Other than the occasional meeting around breakfast, you never saw her. You were glad, too, as she definitely seemed like the type you would have trouble getting along with: Overly dignified, overly cultured…
And snooty.
Knowing that Octavia was going to be out until well after you had gone to bed, you decided to make the most of the privacy. You were going to have a good long shower, eat junk food for dinner, and fall asleep listening to your favorite music. You stripped naked right there in the hall, tossed your clothes into your room as you passed the door and headed to the bathroom. All you had for soap was a bottle of ‘Head and Crest’ shampoo, and you hoped it would do.
“Lather, rinse, and repeat for a smooth and silky mane, tail, and coat.” You said, reading the instructions out loud. You hoped it wouldn’t leave your hair that silky and climbed into the shower.
You had been in the shower for so long you had lost track of time, and even then the only thing that made you get out was your nagging hunger. There was a huge cupcake waiting for you in the kitchen, so big that it would suffice for a meal, and you could hear it calling your name. You dried off quickly and carelessly, all the while wishing the shampoo hadn’t left you with such a strong fragrance. It smelled almost sweet, and smelling it had made the cupcake haunt your memories during the entire shower. Now absolutely ravenous, you hurled the wet towel onto your bed as you passed your room and sped for that big fancy cupcake that was just around the corner...
…And came around the corner to almost collide with Octavia, who had just finished pouring a huge glass of soy milk for herself. She glanced your way and her whole face turned bright red, reminding you that you were completely naked.
“Oh holy hell!” you yelped as you leaped back around the corner and practically ran for your room to throw some clothes on.
Great, just great! I’ll never be able to face her again!
“Oh man I’m so sorry!” you yelled down the hallway.
There was a moment of silence, followed by a confused “About what?”
You stood dumbfounded for a moment with your pants pulled only halfway up before it hit you. Ponies march around naked all the time. Of course it’s not a big deal at all if she, or anyone else for that matter, sees you naked. You fell onto your bed and sighed a deep breath. You were still thoroughly embarrassed, even though she didn’t seem to care even in the least. After a moment to collect your thoughts, you felt relieved enough to get dressed and make another attempt at your dinner. You had almost made it to the kitchen when a thought hit you.
Why did she blush?
You stood for a moment and groped with various thought about the subject, but in the end you could come up with only one explanation: these creatures make no sense at all.
Again you entered the kitchen. Octavia was at the table gulping her drink down in a very unrefined manner, and looked your way the instant you entered the room. You gave a sheepish smirk her way and she returned a demure smile. You headed for the cupboard where you had stashed the cupcake, but you just couldn’t help but feel embarrassed. Even though you lived with ponies now, who only wore clothing as either a fashion statement or a status symbol, you’d never be able to parade around naked in public. Finally tucking into your sugary reward, you turned to go to the table and couldn’t help but notice that Octavia was still watching you. You felt a slight surge of discomfort; she had been staring at you the entire time you had been in the kitchen. Something wasn’t right about her. Her mane was slightly frazzled, and she had a dopey, almost sleepy expression on her face.
Oh no, she’s not high, is she? Wait, do ponies even do drugs?
Whatever the reason, it was making you feel a bit uncomfortable. The only thing that kept you from leaving right now as you had both agreed to keep food in the kitchen to keep pests out. Taking a seat at the table, you continued eating while she continued watching you. She almost looked like she was daydreaming; she didn’t seem to really be paying any attention, but at the same time her eyes were practically riveted to you. You wondered what was wrong with her; she never acted this way.
“So,” you began, hoping to end the awkward silence, “how’d your rehearsal go?”
She flinched when you spoke, blinking twice before once again settling her gaze onto you. She blushed slightly, raising a hoof to her muzzle to try and hide it before speaking. “Badly,” she chuckled uncomfortably, still trying to hide her blush, “I couldn’t even focus enough to play my cello.”
“What happened?”
“I left rehearsal early because of, well, you know.” She said awkwardly as she gestured at herself.
You had absolutely no idea what she meant, but nodded anyway with a fake smirk. You really didn’t want to pry into her personal life. You wondered briefly if she had the flu or something, a thought which made you want to go and hide in your room to avoid catching it. However you knew that, living in such close quarters, you’d no doubt catch it anyways. On the other hand, perhaps this was just what she was like. Admittedly, you had never actually had a full conversation with her. The closest you had come was that one time you tied her bow-tie for her, and even then the most she said was a shy ‘thank you’ when you were done.
Ponies in bow-ties.
The thought of it suddenly reminded you of all those stupid ‘animal in funny costumes’ videos and images you used to enjoy looking up online. Thoughts of particularly funny ones came to mind, and you couldn’t help but burst out laughing.
“Stop it! It’s not funny, it’s torture!” Octavia said giggling fiercely as her entire face turned red.
Did she honestly just giggle at me?
That caught you completely off-guard and silenced your laughter almost instantly. Octavia’s odd friendliness was a definite change of pace from her usual introverted manner. You had lived with her for nearly a month now, and yet you’ve probably said less than a handful of words to her. Busy thinking about it, you ate the final bite of your cupcake and loudly licked the frosting from your fingers and a sudden whimper of discomfort caught your attention. Octavia was biting the tip of her hoof and very deliberately avoiding eye contact with you now. Her eyes kept looking your way, only to immediately flit away when she saw that you were still watching.
The hell…?
She was seriously starting to weird you out. As the only human around you were a fish out of water, and admittedly you knew practically nothing about what was and wasn’t normal for them. You had only gotten to know a couple of them, though none of them well enough to actually forge an intimate relationship with. In fact, the only close contact you had ever truly had with one of them was the incident after that accursed get-together at Sweet Apple Acres. Point being, you didn’t know what was or wasn’t normal behavior for ponies, but you didn’t need to. Anyone could tell that Octavia was acting incredibly strange.
Octavia once again looked like she was daydreaming, and wasn’t even trying to hide that she was watching you anymore. She was slumped at the table, supporting her head on her hoof, not moving an inch, and just staring with an almost silly half-smile. She almost looked like—
Oh God no.
She looked like a kid with a serious crush on someone. That thought hadn’t even come to mind until now, but now that you thought of it, she was acting like she was fantasizing about you. You immediately kicked that thought out of your head as fast as possible; you did stupid things from time to time, but you were not stupid. You were still paying for the last time you had jumped to conclusions: Lyra was still calling you ‘Loverboy’ at every available opportunity, and telling that blasted story to just about anyone who would listen. Even her grumpy friend Bon Bon had scored a few jokes on you for it. It was going to haunt you until the day you died, and you were not going to let that happen twice. You were not going to run with an assumption again; you were going to bluntly ask her what was wrong.
“Hey Octavia, What—“
She twitched again. “I need another drink!!!” she hurriedly said, and practically knocked the table over as she ran for the fridge and fumbled with the carton of soy milk. She muttered and protested under her breath as she struggled with the folded crease at the top. She was having way too much trouble wrestling it open with her hooves, which struck you as odd. She wasn’t clumsy, and one thing you had noticed about ponies almost instantly after moving here is they have freakishly dexterous hooves.
You couldn’t watch this any longer. “Here, I got it.” You said as you reached for the carton.
“It’s fine I’ll get it!” she said in frustration.
You popped the top open just as she wrenched it away from you, and most of the milk sloshed all over your upper body.
“Aw dammit…” you said quietly, shaking milk from your hands with a flick of your wrist.
Octavia’s eyes widened as she watched the milk drip from your body and she blushed furiously. She whimpered quietly and looked away cringing.
You chuckled awkwardly. “It’s not that big a deal. It’s just milk, it’ll wash out.”
With the dish towel in her hoof, she reared up and rested her other foreleg around your shoulders to try and clean you off. She was heavier than you expected, and you buckled under her weight just enough to slip on the wet tile. On impulse she hung on, and the two of you fell to the floor with her landing on top of you. Your head flung back and struck the hard tile.
“AAAAAGGGHHH!!!” you hissed through gritted teeth with your eyes clenched shut in pain. You breathed as deeply as you could with Octavia still lying on top of you and held your hand to the back of your head, obsessively patting through your hair until you were satisfied you weren’t bleeding. “Octavia, are you alright?” you said, realizing she wasn’t getting off of you.
She didn’t move, which made you worry that she might have knocked herself out. She was sprawled on top of you, with her head laying on your left shoulder and her muzzle barely an inch from your ear. You could hear her breathing deeply though her mouth at first, then you heard her sniff your hair quietly. She murmured pleasantly and started gently stroking your chest. She slowly lifted her head and stared at you. Passionate purple eyes met your shocked gaze, and she blushed lightly. You tried to coax her off of you, but her foreleg was still around your shoulders and holding tight. The pain from hitting your head was gone, and replaced by a stunned realization of what your roommate was doing.
“Octavia…?” you said in disbelief, “What are you doing?!”
She didn’t answer. You could feel her heart trying to beat its way out of her chest against your own, and she slowly leaned closer. Beads of sweat formed on your forehead. She leaned so close that you could feel each of her hot breaths billow against your face. You turned your head trying to lean away, and she gently held your cheeks in her hooves, turning it to line up with hers. Slowly she closed her eyes and puckered her lips…
…and without warning, she stopped and her eyes fluttered. Her expression turned from blissful to shock, and she stared at you with a brilliant blush. She leaned away and abruptly slapped you across the mouth.
“Agh!” you yelled in pain and protest, “T’hell was that all about?!”
“We almost kissed!” she hollered as she pushed herself off of you.
Utterly dumbfounded, you staggered onto your feet and stared while clutching your throbbing jaw. “YOU almost kissed ME! I was just lying there!”
“Why didn’t you stop me, you swine?!”
“WHAT?!” you yelled with confusion and anger getting the better than you. “Why didn’t you slap yourself if you have so much trouble controlling yourself?! What the hell is your problem?!”
She huffed with offense. “Oh, I get it! You’re one of those guys, aren’t you?! The mare was asking for it, wasn’t she?! And just when I thought it was all right living with a human, it turns out a male is a male, no matter the species!”
Alright, she’s not high or sick. She’s insane.
You were absolutely furious; madder than you could remember yourself ever being. “What the hell are you going on about?! You’ve been staring at me and acting all weird ever since I got home! Then you soak me with milk, fall on me, molest me, try to kiss me, and THEN you hit me and act like it was all somehow my fault! I am too damned tired from work to put up with this crap!”
“I don’t know why I’m getting all the blame!” She yelled, so angry that her face had turned red, “You’re the one who came prancing out of the shower glistening with water, wet mane and all, and… and…” she stopped just long enough to sniff the air, “And wearing COLOGNE!!! How could you do this to me?!”
“I’m not wearing cologne; it’s that stupid soap I used!” You yelled back, “Besides, how was I supposed to know you’d be all crazed and horny?!”
“Crazed and--?! So this is how you treat mares when they’re in heat! I always thought you were kind of weird, but I never once doubted that you were a decent guy! I was wrong! You’re a perverted, swayback ass!”
“A perverted what?!” You were blinded with anger; you were not going to take this. “You listen here you—“You stopped abruptly. “Wait, what?! You’re in heat?! As in, that kind of heat?”
“Um, yes! Of course I am! How could you not tell, I mean, look at me right now!” She gestured wildly at her frazzled appearance.
“You mean ponies go into heat? Are you serious?!”
Her scowl waivered. “You mean you honestly didn’t know?!”
You only shook your head stupidly to respond.
All the anger vanished from her face in an instant, and she held a hoof to her flushed cheek. “Oh! I… uh… well…”
Your shoulders sagged. “This is… really uncomfortable, isn’t it?”
“Yeah… it is.” She said in her usual shy tone, avoiding eye contact once more.
You fell into your chair at the table and hid your ashamed face in your hands. “So… all of that before? That was all…”
She sat down on her pillow and looked at you remorsefully. She chuckled uncomfortably, “Yeah… about that… look, I… I’m really sorry. For the next week or so, it’s all I can think about. I should have said something, but… but I didn’t think a human would… you know, ‘set me off.’” She looked so embarrassed that she seemed ready to cry.
“You…” you said, trailing off into an uncomfortable laugh as you rubbed your sore cheek, “You know, you didn’t have to slap me.”
She looked away. “I kind of thought you were going to… you know…”
“I think I get it.” You said. You knew exactly what she was going to say: it suddenly dawned on you that some of the pony guys in town probably tried to take advantage of them when they were in heat. In fact, the way she had hollered at you earlier, it almost sounded like it was the pony equivalent of date rape. Even though she had snapped at you, and even though she had hit you, it was all a big stupid understanding. You weren’t angry anymore. In fact, you actually found yourself pitying her.
She sighed heavily. “I shouldn’t have doubted you. I mean, you didn’t even know what was going on, and… I’m sorry.”
“Hey.” You said with an understanding smile, “I’m sorry too. For all the yelling, and stuff. I didn’t even realize what you were going through.”
“Can we… can we just pretend none of this ever happened?” she said with a quiet laugh.
“Yes. Definitely.” You sighed with relief that she wasn’t going to make a thing out of this like Lyra had about… that.
“Thanks.” She said, laying her hoof on your hand, “And I meant what I said before. You really are a good guy.” She trailed off and began stroking your hand, staring dreamily once more. You gave her a light nudge and she snapped out of it. “Agh!” she yelled with a shake of her head, “This is torture! I’m taking a cold shower and going to bed!!!”
She stomped around the corner and slammed the bathroom door behind her, leaving you alone in the kitchen alone with your thoughts and your throbbing skull. You were definitely thankful that she wasn’t ‘in’ to you, but you still somehow felt as though you had been insulted. However, you had learned two things today: One, that ponies go into heat, and two, you were going to hide indoors until the end of the week.