"Welcome back," Twilight Sparkle greeted the nerd and his Unicorn companion as they fazed into the human realm.
Rarity scanned the hovel in which she stood with a disapproving frown; she noted James's poster-covered walls and plethora of electronic equipment scattered throughout the room. "This decor is so...so..."
"Badass?" James attempted to finish for her.
"Tacky!" The Unicorn corrected him. "Not even I could turn this room into a livable abode."
"Oh, my sincerest apologies, your royal assness!" The nerd bowed his head in a gesture of mock chivalry. "Perhaps it would be better with a pillow fashioned from Egyptian cotton with golden trim for you to lay on, with a monkey butler to feed you grapes as you masturbate."
Rarity's eyes narrowed into a sly smile as she countered the nerds sarcasm with her own. "That would be lovely, actually."
Ignoring her quip, The Nerd made his way across the room to grab a Roll'n Rock from his mini fridge.
"How can you stand it here?" Rarity asked the lavender alicorn, who lay nearly motionless in what she designated to be 'her spot' on the beanbag chair in the corner.
"Oh, it's not that bad," She responded lazily, arching her back, stretching, then yawning as she closed the 3DS in front of her. "And this game is officially done."
"You beat that pretty quick," James said, nodding with a slight hint of praise in his tone.
"I'm good at mysteries," Twilight replied, satisfied with The Nerd's compliment. "Celestia knows I've read enough of them."
James wrenched the cap of the beer bottle open with his bare hand and took a generous gulp as his eyes meticulously examined the room to make sure everything was as he left it before he left with Fluttershy. He approached Twilight Sparkle, who had gotten up to look for another game to conquer on his rack of portable games.
"You didn't touch anything while I was gone, did you?" He asked suspiciously after noting the orange crumbs in Twilight's mane.
"N-no," she replied guiltily.
"Not a fucking thing, huh?" He knelt down so their faces were level.
"Nothing!" she responded defensively.
They beamed at each other for nearly an entire minute in an Eastwood-esque stare down.
"By the way," Twilight added, breaking the awkward silence between them. "You're out of RC Cola and Doritos."
"I knew it!" The Nerd groaned. "All my Doritos, seriously?"
"Hey, you don't have to take that tone with me," Twilight countered. "A girl's gotta eat!"
"You should have told me you were hungry before I left!" The Nerd chided. "I would have..I don't know..taken you outside so you can eat some grass, or something.
"I wanted to try some of your human food!" Twilight countered. "You're already verbally abusive toward me! You want to starve me, too?"
"Christ you're fucking picky!" James complained before he walked back to his couch, sat down, and began to rub his temples.
"RC Cola?" Rarity inquired. "Doritos?"
"Yeah," Twilight answered. "They're probably the best things I've had in my mouth."
"Oh, does that exclude Flash Sentry?"
"When you hens are done clucking," The Nerd interrupted impatiently, "we got some shitty games to play."
"When are you going to stop bringing that up?" Twilight asked with an un-amused scowl on her face.
"Hey," The Nerd interjected. "Shitty games don't play themselves... If you don't count the demo at the start screen..."
Rarity responded to Twilight's question, ignoring The Nerd's impatient ranting. "Probably never."
"You haven't told anypony, have you?" Twilight asked.
"I'm pretty sure everypony in Ponyville knows about it," Rarity responded.
"Hey," The tried to interrupt them again.
"I told you not to tell anypony!" Twilight fumed.
"Hey!" The Nerd barked again.
"I keep getting asked about it," was Rarity's reply.
"That doesn't mean you have to tell them, does it?"
"Gonna throw something!" The Nerd warned.
"What else am I going to gossip about when I'm at the spa?" Rarity countered.
"Anything but that!" Twilight exclaimed.
Their debate was abruptly ended when an empty bottle flew between them and shattered against a nearby wall, scaring the shit out of both of them and instantly grabbing their attention in the process.
"I brought you here to play shitty games, not discuss your sex life!"
Startled, Twilight Sparkle and Rarity said in unison, "Okay, shit!"
"Pick a game, already!" The Nerd pointed to the shelf of grey cartridges.
"I already told you," Rarity huffed. "I don't respond to such rude demands."
"Alright, then," The Nerd responded as he rose from his couch. "I'll pick one for you!"
"Rarity," Twilight intervened. "I don't think you should let him pick one for you. He did that with Fluttershy, and, well, you saw the condition she was in, didn't you?"
"I don't care," Rarity commented. "I can handle any game this human throws at me. These 'video games' are mere baby toys."
The Nerd cocked an eyebrow, and a smile began to tug at the corners of his lips as an idea came to him. "What did you just say?"
"Baby toys," Rarity reiterated. "That is what these things are. I simply can not understand how these silly little things have turned you into such a sociopath."
"Baby's toy, huh?" The Nerd said to himself as he scanned for a particular cartridge in his library. That particular cartridge with that fucking rainbow by its label. "Do you remember that conversation I had with your princess about methods of torture?" The Nerd asked as his eyes continued to scan for that horrible, iridescent label.
"Vaguely, yes," Rarity responded. "I recall you using the term 'LJN'."
"Yes," said The Nerd. "One of the most horrible pieces of fuck-poop ever shat out by that company is this fucking game." James pulled out the cartridge with that multicolored stamp of death on it, and presented it to the blue-eyed mare, letting her read the title out loud.
"Back to the future?"
"Yep, and you're going to play it from beginning to end!" The Nerd said with a sadistic grimace.
"I'm going to assume the theme is time travel," Rarity mused.
"That's right," The Nerd said with a nod before walking to his classic grey NES, and jamming the cartridge in.
Rarity watched the television as a jumbled cluster fuck of 8-bit pixels danced about the screen. She cocked her head to the side in confusion. "Darling, why is it all scrambled?"
"Ah shit," The Nerd cursed as he powered the NES off and and removed the cartridge. "These older cartridge-based game consoles have an annoying tendency of only working when they want to."
Rarity and Twilight Sparkle watched with curiosity as The Nerd brought the grey cartridge to his mouth and vigorously blew puffs of air into the bottom from side-to-side. He then slid the cartridge back in, pressed down, and once again, pushed the switch on the archaic console to see that the title screen was even more fucked up than last time.
"Well, shit," He said, as he mused over the defective Nintendo console. "Here, let me just..." He turned the power off, then switched it back on. James scowled in frustration as the light on the power button of the NES flickered on and off, the title screen reading "Back to the future" as clear as day every time it went on, almost as if the inanimate machine was mocking him.
"Goddamn fucking son-of-a-bitch!" The two mares jumped with a start as The Nerd roared at the inoperable device. "Fucking 72 pin connector went out again!"
"Nerd?" Twilight sparkle addressed.
"What?"
The lavender alicorn placed her hoof against her chest, breathed deeply, and stretched her foreleg out, as if she had gathered her tension and released it like a bolt of negative energy channeled through her arm.
"Heil Hitler?" The Nerd jeered.
"No!" Twilight barked as she stamped the ground. "Just try it with me."
The lavender alicorn beat her wings and hovered next to the irate human. She closed her eyes, placed her hoof against her chest, then opened one eye to be sure The Nerd was emulating her.
He frowned at her for a moment before sighing in defeat. He placed his hand over his chest, and watched as twilight demonstrated the rest of the therapeutic technique to him.
James took in one deep breath, held his hand out, and exhaled slowly.
"Better?" She asked cheerfully.
"Yeah," replied The Nerd reluctantly.
"Hm?" Twilight hummed quizzically as she placed her hoof to her ear.
"Yeah, alright? I feel better! Radiant sunshine is just illuminating from my asshole, and a happy little daisy just sprouted from my cock!"
Perturbed by his ire, Twilight backed away.
The Nerd ejected Back To The Future from the NES console and inserted it into the top loader. "The top loader never fails," he stated appreciatively before looking up at the screen to see it doing the same shit the grey box was doing earlier.
"Hm, looks like the top loader just failed," Rarity commented.
"First time for everything, I suppose," Twilight Sparkle added.
"But, the top loader never fails!" The Nerd complained. "This fucking beast is able to play even PAL formatted games!"
"PAL format?" Rarity asked.
"Yeah, you know. The PAL format?"
"No, darling. I'm afraid I don't know."
"Phase Alternating Line," The Nerd explained. "PAL is the acronym of the coding system that is utilized for European manufactured NES consoles, when in North America, we utilize the NTSC coding line. The Top loader is able to play any game from any region, excluding Japanese manufactured Famicom games.
The two mares stared dumbly at The Nerd, as if he had just told them to go fuck Mr Ed in the exhaust port of the Deathstar.
The Nerd let out an exasperated sigh. "It specifies the region lock of the game," James disambiguated.
"OOOHHH!" The two mares said as they shared a shrug, feigning comprehension of The Nerd's autistic tech-lingo.
The Nerd pensively stroked his chin as he thought of his next coarse of action. "I could order a new pin connector from Amazon, but that would take about a week." He looked at his computer in the corner of the room. "I could boot up the Jnes emulator, but these games just don't have the same feel to them as the genuine product." The Nerd looked at the WWJD bracelet on his wrist. "What would Indiana Jones do?" He asked himself.
"I got it!" James said enthusiastically, scaring the hell out of the two mares who sat on his couch. James quickly drew open the blinds on his window to let the sunlight into his game room, he then crouched and reached under his couch, withdrawing the mystical staff of Ra from it's hiding place.
"Oh, Celestia, no!" Rarity grimaced. "He's going to bludgeon us. I knew this was going to happen! His rage has finally seethed into murderous intent"
Twilight Sparkle reached over and shook her neurotic friend violently. "Calm down!" She demanded. "He may be an asshole, but he's not a monster!"
Rarity took a cleansing breath and relaxed. "If you say so, Twilight. As one of my best friends, I trust yo—
Twilight Sparkle slapped her across the face, insisting once again that she calm down, until she felt a tap on her shoulder. Twilight looked behind her to see the Nerd's guitar guy standing over her.
"Hey, James needs a hand." He explained. "I'll take it from here."
"Alright, then," Twilight Sparkle hovered off the couch to go join the Nerd, as the guitar guy drew his Gibson Les Paul back and struck Rarity over the head with it. "Everything is going to be fine! Just calm yourself!" He roared before striking her again, sending her flying into the arm on the side of the couch.
The guitar guy then felt a tap on his shoulder. He looked back and beheld the Joker from The Nerd's batman video. "Hey, James just realized that twilight sparkle doesn't have a set of hands, you think you can go help him? I can take it from here."
"Alright." The guitar guy released the battered mare and slung his guitar over his shoulder before he set off to assist The Nerd.
"Calm down!" The Clown Prince of Crime demanded, grabbed rarity around her neck, forehanded her across the muzzle, then backhanded her. "Everything is going to be fine, I promise!"
The joker felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around to behold Jason Vorhees standing over him.
"Let me guess: the nerd needs another set of hands?"
Jason slowly nodded in response.
"Just like old bats himself" The Joker sighed. "He'd be nothing without me." The Joker turned around and gave Rarity one more parting slap before he released her and set off to join Twilight Sparkle, The guitar guy, and James, who accompanied each other to drag a large, heavy treasure chest from the upper tier of his home. "Take over for me, would you? The lady is in quite the frenzy," The compassionate clown requested before laughing hysterically and skipping joyously out of the room.
Jason slowly turned his head and set his cold, lifeless gaze upon the bruised and bloodied Rarity, as Mike Matei, Freddy Krugar, Leather Face, Spider-Man, The lion from the wizard of Oz, and the Ninja from the Ninja Gaiden video all lined up behind The hockey masked serial killer-zombie, ready to offer their assistance in soothing the frantic mare.