//------------------------------// // 10. Crusader's Chapter // Story: The Secret Story of Big Mac // by Kaidan //------------------------------// Mac and Dash slumped into the booth in the bar just after midnight. Mac poured a few shots of vodka, and they began to drink them. “Celestia have mercy, that was one hell of a night,” Dash said. “Eeyup.” Mr. Cake put down his appletini and Braeburn finished off his long island iced tea as they walked over to their booth. “What was one hell of a night?” Mr. Cake asked. Pinkie Pie bounced up and put an arm over her uncle and her lover. “Yeah! It was the third date. Did you get to home base? I mean, if you did I probably would have felt in on account of Dash’s orgasms exploding lik—” “Pinkie!” everypony shouted in unison. “Seriously, has that mare ever heard of manners?” a familiar voice chimed. “Shh, Rare, they’ll know we’re here!” an equally familiar voice whispered.” Pinkie’s nose twitched and she jumped in the air gasping. “Oh my gosh! Rarity and Applejack are finally on a date! Yes! Yes!” Rarity revealed herself from the booth in the corner. “Really, Pinkie, I believe Dash and Mac have a story to tell. Maybe you could keep it down a bit so we can listen?” Further in the corner, Applejack was hiding her face under her wide brimmed stetson. “Eeyup. We just had our third official date, and on account o’ the crusaders beggin’ to help, things went south,” Mac said. “You could have said no,” Dash stated. Mac raised an eyebrow. “Ya don’t say? Ya saw that look on Scootaloo’s face, could ya have told her no? Besides, they just wanted to make up for the love poison.” The ponies pulled up chairs and got comfortable to hear about Mac and Dash’s third date. . . “So, girls, you’re working on a school project?” Twilight asked. “Yeah! We need a cookbook, a reference guide on potion making, and a mortar and pestle.” Sweetie jumped up and grabbed a cookbook on a nearby shelf, causing several books to topple onto the floor. Twilight laughed. “Calm down, that sounds perfectly normal to me. Here you go, one book on Potions and You, a cookbook, and some supplies.” “Thanks, Twilight.” Scootaloo smiled and hugged her foreleg. “Aww, that’s the magic of friendship! Run along now and have fun writing that essay!” Once outside, they threw the supplies in the wagon and got ready to take off. “Cutie Mark Crusader Love Makers Take Two! YAY!” “I didn’t know there was a gazebo in the park,” Dash said. “Eeyup.” The couple walked into the gazebo and took a seat. There were several covered dishes, and three innocent, wide-eyed crusaders in miniature tuxedos. “Whoa,” Dash stated. “When you said the crusaders wanted to apologize for the whole love potion thing, you weren’t kidding. But are you sure this is a good idea?” Mac chuckled. “All they did was cook food, no potions or anything right girls?” The crusaders leaned in together, smiling. “Nope!” Dash lifted up the cover over her dish. Underneath was a fresh garden salad, with every vegetable from asparagus to zucchini on it. “Thanks, it looks uh. . . nice.” Mac lifted up the cover on his dish, finding a large tofu steak, deep fried onion rings, and extra crispy hay fries. He took one whiff and smiled. “Eeyup.” “No way! Why’d I get stuck with the stup—uh—stupendous salad? Here, Mac, I’ll trade!” “But I—” Dash swapped their plates and licked her lips, eying the deep fried food with envy. “—love tofu,” Mac finished. “I’ll make it up to you later.” Dash winked, and Mac happily began to eat his salad. “Cutie Mark Crusader Chefs yay!” the fillies shouted. Dash gobbled up the onion rings and drank some of the apple cider. They were drinking it from bottles made at Sweet Apple Acre. She rarely got any cider during cider season, but Mac was in charge of the Apple Family’s private reserve. Mac, on the other hoof, munched on the many exotic vegetables in his salad. There was the green one, the dark green one, the light green one, and who could forget the red vegetable? At least they were high in fiber. The crusaders were whispering to each other as they enjoyed their meals. Eventually Dash relinquished some of her hay fries to Mac. For dessert the two shared some fresh apple pie. “Whew, it’s getting hot out here,” Dash observed. She leaned back as a giant flying rainbow snake flew by in the air. Her pupils widened until they hid her irises completely. “Radical! Mac, there’s a flying rainbow lady!” Mac tilted his head to the side, noticing the crusaders gasping, and whispering frantically. “Girls, what did ya do?” “Nothing! I mean something! I mean it was only supposed to be an aphrodisiac!” Sweetie explained. “Ah’m gonna count ta three and I want ya—I want—” Mac felt his jaws tighten and his head ache. His normally flat canine teeth lengthened out, turning into fangs. “Apple Bloom! You mixed up the formulas! We need to get Twilight quick!” Scootaloo shouted. “Ah didn’t mix ‘em up, ah made mine perfect, see? Dash is gettin’ sweaty just like in the pictures,” Apple Bloom retorted. “Girls,” Mac said. “Yes?” Sweetie answered. “I vant to suck your vlood,” he replied. “Heh, funny,” Sweetie said. Mac lurched forward and grabbed Sweetie Belle. He bit into her neck, and began drinking her blood. She flailed wildly in his grasp. “Get off her, meanie!” Scootaloo got a running start and bucked Mac in the nose. He dropped Sweetie, and the three crusaders ran for their lives. This left a very confused Dash examining her hooves. They were covered in spiders that had the heads of her best friends on them. “Fun fun fun!” the pink spider said. It was spinning a web around her hoof, causing a tickling feeling. “This isn’t scientifically possible!” the purple spider said. “Haha, egghead!” Dash replied. A giant komodo dragon lurched forward, fangs bared, and grabbed Dash. “Oh no you don’t!” she shouted. Dash punched the komodo dragon in the nose, causing him to explode into a wave of confetti. She turned and flew off into the nearest cloud of whipped cream. Dash landed on it, only to discover it was sauerkraut. She looked for the nearest gingerbread house to hide in from the scary komodo dragon. Mac looked up at the delicious cyan pegasus. He wanted to confess his undying love for her, to marry her, and make her his vampire wife. Unfortunately, he couldn’t catch her. Then it hit him. Vinyl Scratch was always drinking Red Bull™. That energy drink would give Mac the wings he needed to catch, rape, and then marry Dash! Since Vinyl drank a dozen cans a day, he just needed to drink her blood and he’d grow wings. It was such a brutally stupid plan it just had to work! Mac charged off towards town, passing right by the bush the scared crusaders were hiding in. “Oh, we really did it this time, guys!” Sweetie said. She was reading from the potion book to see where they went wrong. “Instead of Love Everlasting, we brewed Lysergic Acid! And instead of the Vitality Doubler we brewed the Vampire Cursed Elixir!” “We’ve got to get Twilight to help fix this! I bet we’ll get a cutie mark for admitting our mistake,” Scootaloo said. “No! We got ta fix it ourselves, so we can get our vampire huntin’ cutie marks,” Applebloom replied. Sweetie face hoofed. “But Apple Bloom, you have to kill the vampire with a wooden stake to get a cutie mark! Every pony knows that.” “Well, ah got grounded for a month last time and ah ain’t gettin’ caught again! My fur still smells like manure from sloughing the pig shed!” “Then there’s only one option left: Fluttershy,” Scootaloo said. The other fillies gasped. “You don’t mean. . . the stare?” Sweetie asked. “Yes. The stare.” Dash giggled as she watched the talking cauliflower, orange, and chicken below. “Silly chicken, every poultry knows that vegetables and fruits don’t talk!” She kicked off the cloud and flew towards the nearby building made out of candy canes. There were classic red and white, red and green, and even rainbow colored. Dash flew to the nearest rainbow candy cane and began licking it. “Hurry girls, Dash is licking that building.” Sweetie lead the charge as they ran over to stop Dash. She was clinging to the side of a half-constructed house, licking a large four by four of wood. When the fillies reached her and tried to pull her down by her tail, she curled up even tighter around the four by four. “Get back! This is my candy cane!” Dash shouted. “No it’s not! It’s a piece of wood. Sweetie, does the book say how to cure this?” Scootaloo asked. “Yeah, we need to make a wolfsbane potion,” Sweetie asked. Apple Bloom put her hooves on the book and flipped the page. “What about ma brother?” “Well, we’ll need garlic, and lots of it.” “You go get that stuff ready, we’ll keep an eye on Dash,” Scootaloo stated. Sweetie ran off to get the antidotes. Apple Bloom turned her head towards the source of some nearby screaming. Vinyl was running down the road, flinging anything she could get her magic on behind her. From her neck were two small wounds where Mac had bit her. Twenty feet behind her, and gaining, was Big Mac. His eyes had turned red and his skin was becoming pale. Just as he was about to get Vinyl, Octavia jumped out from behind a corner with her cello. “Oh no you don’t!” Octavia shouted. She swung the cello, hitting Big Mac in the face and shattering the instrument. “Thank Celestia!” Vinyl tackled Octavia in a hug and began kissing her. “Thank you! Thank you thank you thank you!” Mac stood up and smiled, revealing his fangs. The two ponies ran for their lives from him. Before he could chase them, Derpy trotted around the corner and bumped into him. “Oh, hi Big Mac. How are you today?” she asked. “No, Derpy, run you fool!” Scootaloo shouted. Mac grabbed her and bit into her neck, and began drinking Derpy’s blood. “We need ta get Fluttershy to use the stare and fast!” Apple Bloom observed. “There’s no time.” Scootaloo began buzzing her wings. “We’ve got to distract him ourselves!” “But ah don’t want ta get bit!” “What are ya? Chicken?” Scootaloo ran right at Mac. This time he saw her coming, and released Derpy. Just as Scootaloo spun to kick him in the muzzle, he grabbed her and bit her flank. “Ahh! Oh Celestia! Is this how it all ends?!” “Get your hands off my friend, mister!” Apple Bloom shouted. Mac tilted his head. “Sis?” He dropped Scootaloo to the ground. “You look tasty.” “Think again, pal!” She spun around and bucked him in the nose, causing him fall to the ground dizzy. Dash laughed as she watched the rabbit and stalk of corn fight each other. Eventually the rabbit and the chicken ran away, leaving the ear of corn rolling around on the floor. She decided she needed a drink and looked around. Across the street was a giant pool of sunshine. Butterflies floated around it while the surface of the water sparkled. Sweetie returned just in time to see Dash drinking out of a muddy pit in Cheerilee’s garden. She tiptoed over with the potion in her mouth. Dash turned and saw a miniature Luna standing before her. In her mouth was was a can of Dr. Pony. “Oh, Woona, you’re so cute! Yes you are!” Sweetie gulped and closed her eyes as Dash lunged at her. “And you brought me a Dr. Pony! How did you know?” Dash drank the potion in one gulp. “Bleh! It’s warm! Wha—How—Hooooooooowwwwwllll,” Dash howled. “Uh oh,” Sweetie said. She held up the clove of garlic she had found. “Suddenly I don’t think this plan is going to work.” Dash began scratching behind her ear, and then sprinted off towards a nearby empty field. When Big Mac caught a scent of her, he sprinted off after her. The two reached the clearing where they had some privacy. Weredash smiled, and began grooming her shaggy brown coat. As the first werewolf in known history, she had to look her best. Vampire Mac trotted over casually, licking his lips clean of blood. “Hooooow are you, handsome” Dash asked. “Vonderful. I have never seen such veauty,” Mac answered. She glanced back at her tail which had turned grey. Dash turned around and waved her tail out of the way, letting Mac see her plot. “I know they will say our love is not meant to be. . . but I want you to put the stallion who mounts the world inside me!” “Then, I shall suck your vlood and ve vill live together forever!” Mac said. Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, and Sweetie Belle crept up on the duo to see what was going on. “Hey, Sweetie, did the cure work?” Scootaloo asked. She shook her head. “Nope, I think it turned Dash into a werewolf.” “And Mac is still a vampire?” Apple Bloom asked. “Yep. Hey, what’s he doing?” Sweetie asked. The girls gasped. “Are vampires supposed to have five legs?” Scootaloo asked. “I don’t think that’s his le—” Scootaloo hid her eyes under her hooves. “The horror! The horror!” Apple Bloom managed to peel her eyes away. “Why would he tackle her with that?!” Sweetie vomited and pulled the girls in close. They huddled in the bush together, horrified at what they had just witnessed. “What is seen can’t be unseen,” Scootaloo muttered. “Girls, we are never going to mention this again,” Sweetie said. “Agreed,” they answered in unison. “Hold on a second,” Derpy said. “Even I’m not dumb enough to loan the crusaders books on making potions. You expect me to believe Twilight would?” A nervous laughter broke out from the back of the room. Everypony turned around and saw Twilight slinking towards the exit. “What?” she said. “I was uh—they gave me the puppy dog eyes!” “So, you mean it really did happen?” Lyra asked. Dash looked around, noticing that the bar was now packed with towns ponies who had wanted to hear their story. “It sure is.” Vinyl pulled off her scarf. “I got the bite marks to prove it. Though, if Dash is okay with it, you can drop by me and Octavia’s bedroom tonight for round two.” Mac blushed and buried his head in his hooves. “But if you two did the horizontal holky polky wouldn’t there have been a rainbow explosion? Like KABOOM! BANG BASH AHHHH RUN FOR YOUR LIVES?!” Pinkie asked. Dash smirked. “Have you seen Applejack’s east orchard? It was in range of the blast waves. Werewolves and Vampires are supernatural after all.” The ponies began murmuring. “Y’all are makin’ this up, aren’t ya?” Applejack said. “Yeah! Vinyl must be in on it. How did the crusaders cure you?” Lyra asked. Cheerilee stepped forward. “She’s right, you’re making this all up.” Dash chuckled. “Hey, who in their right mind would want to make up stories about Mac and me?”