Jake and the kid

by peter


Ch7 Tea and Conversation [edited]

Jake and the Kid
Chapter seven
Tea and Conversation

Celestia's private office was an oasis of tranquility in a busy castle. Every day around ten in the morning, she would vanish inside with a stack of papers that needed attention, a samovar of tea, and a small mysterious box, the contents of which generated a great deal of idle speculation among the idle nobility. Only the castle confectioner knew what it contained for certain, and she would never tell. The rest of the castle staff utilized this precious downtime to carry out tasks or just take a well-deserved breather. Every member except Princess Luna, that is.

Celestia had methodically worked her way through about a third of the day’s normal correspondence, and about a gallon of tea, when an impatient Luna burst in through her office door.

‟Hast thou no word yet, Sister?” she exclaimed impatiently.

Celestia lowered her teacup in a marelike manner, dabbed her lips with a napkin, and shifted slightly on her office couch. Her expression changed only slightly as the gallon or so of tea made its presence known. With the aid of long practice, she managed to keep up an appearance of serenity. (1)

‟You must be patient, Luna.”

‟We have been most patient, Sister,” Luna said firmly, marching back and forth in front of her sister in an agitated manner. She took in her sister’s calm collected appearance with a certain amount of exasperation. ‟Are thou not concerned?”

‟I trust my student and her friends. Twilight will inform me when there is something to inform me about.” She picked up another sheaf of paperwork and started to peruse it.

‟Thou are most unreasonable, sister. This affects us most directly.”

‟Personal is not the same as important, sister,” Celestia said, levitating a cup of tea to her lips, and then having second thoughts as her shift in position reminded her of a long-ignored pressure in her nether regions which had grown to un-ignorable levels. She lowered the cup back to the table and raised herself up off the couch.

‟If you would excuse me, little sister. I have pressing matters that need to be addressed.” At that moment a sudden flare of green fire spun to life in front of her and resolved into a ribbon tied scroll. A tiny bead of sweat appeared on Celestia’s forehead, right next to her horn. Her pelvis clenched slightly and she darted a look at Luna’s gleeful face. There was no way her little sister was going to allow her to visit the little mare’s room without opening that scroll herself while her sister was gone. Unless.

‟I’ll be right back, sister,” Celestia said, snagging the scroll and slipping through her bathroom door.

For a moment Luna stood there, jaw agape, before rushing forward to pound on the suddenly magically reinforced door. ‟Sister. Thou shalt not dare to read the missive till I am present!” she yelled.

Luna scowled when the only reply she received was a mocking laugh. Her frown turned upside down, however, when she recalled a certain magical spell she had recently discovered, during her side research into ‘fun’, in a most interesting book. ‟1001 Frat Pony Pranks,” by Aitselec. This invaluable tome contained the most perfect response for this occasion. Now how did it go? Luna’s horn glimmered and her expression turned smug as she felt the little mental click that signaled a successfully completed spell.

Inside the bathroom, Celestia smirked a bit. Teasing Luna was such fun, and such good therapy as well. A win-win. She had decided some weeks previously that the worse thing she could do in regards to her sister was to treat her like a glass doll. She had made that mistake a thousand years ago when she had done everything possible to ignore Luna’s jealousy and slowly darkening nature; when what she really should have done was embark on a program of short-sheeting her bed, fiddling with the weights on her scales, surprise water balloon attacks. . . Celestia suddenly felt very damp around the hindquarters.

‟And oh yes. Cellophane under the toilet seat.” She muttered with a grimace. ‟Not funny, Luna,” She yelled at the door, while inside her inner filly brayed like a delighted donkey. The indignity was well worth the muffled laughter coming from the other side of the door.

Fifteen minutes later a much refreshed, and cleaned, Princess emerged from the royal water closet to find her younger sibling smirking at her from her position in front of Celestia’s desk with several of her favorite selections missing from an open box of chocolate. A small vein on her forehead twitched. She’d been saving those. (2)

‟You do know this means war, little sister.”

‟As our subject, Rarity might remark. Bring it, big sis,” Luna remarked through a mouthful of her latest chocolate victim. ‟Now may we peruse your student's missive?"

Celestia removed the ribbon from the scroll, allowing it to unroll. A picture fell out as it did, to be snagged by Luna before it could reach the floor.

Luna glanced at it casually at first, then stiffened, her eyes widening as she took a closer look. It was a picture of a coal black, very large, Alicorn stallion sitting on his haunches. Between his forelegs, nestled under the bulk of his body was Pinkie Pie and a strange creature, unlike anything Luna had ever seen before. ‟Sister, what is this?” Luna said in shock, levitating the picture in front of Celestia’s eyes.

The Sun Princess lifted an eyebrow, a significant reaction for one of her control. ‟Surely you’ve seen a stallion before, sister,” Celestia snarked, unable to resist, but then in a more serious tone added, ‟I was under the impression that the Alicorn you met in the Dreamscape was a young filly, not an over-sized stallion.”

‟So I thought. But the dream world can be deceiving. It is the world of everything from fond dreams to a pony's deepest fears after all,” Luna said, in a distracted tone as she continued to examine the picture. Despite her words, Luna was more than a bit disconcerted about the strange creature. When she met the Alicorn filly in the Dreamscape, she had been so real, as if she could have stepped out of the night sky covered with frost. It seemed almost inconceivable that she was actually an awkward flightless biped. If not for the involvement of the Elements, it would have been much easier to simply dismiss it all as some sort of weird practical joke. Luna had been looking forward to meeting that little mare in person, she realized. And maybe, discussing her mother’s moon worship. She shook off that last thought and turned her attention back to her sister. ‟Of more importance. What is the creature with the stallion and Pinkie Pie?”

‟It seems likely that the answer to some of your questions will be in Twilight’s letter,” said Celestia, floating a pair of reading glasses up onto her nose.(3)

Dear Princess Celestia,

Things have become very complicated. We located the Alicorn you asked us to find, but as you can see in the picture he appears to be a mature stallion. His companion, however, insists that he is only five years old. His speech pattern and mannerisms seem to support this.

‟Only five years?” Luna interjected, looking once more at the picture. We know things are very different from when last I ruled at your side, sister. But is that not a touch, unusual?” She looked at the picture and felt a touch of regret. Only five years of age, that certainly nibbled a large one. Or was that being bitten by a big one? She would have to reference that confusing guide again. (4)

While Nightmare Moon had been many things, a foalacon was not one of them. Luna was not about to change that, but mercy, look at the size of those wings. And everyone knew what that meant.

‟Let us see if Twilight expands on that,” Celestia said, carefully looking at Luna over the top of her own glasses. Her little sister looked greatly disappointed. She made a mental note to have a talk with Luna. There was no need at all for her to suffer from lack of companionship if the matter was handled discreetly. Although, thinking about it, how long had it been since she had... Celestia's eyes widened in dismay. No wonder she’d been feeling stressed lately. It looked like Luna was not the only one who was in need of a nice hard– Celestia cut that thought off before her mind completely derailed and got back to Twilight’s message.

Of more concern, however, is that his companion claims to be a human.”

‟A human? Sister. I fear that Twilight Sparkle may have eaten an unwise mushroom in the Everfree forest.”

Celestia gave Luna a quelling look over the top of her glasses,(5) before reading the next section with a special emphasis.

I know that this might sound like something from the Equestria Enquirer. If I had not encountered so much skepticism in the matter of Nightmare Moon, I might not have been prepared to consider it.

Luna huffed at that and subsided.

I feel, and the others agree, that we should not use the term human in regards to her. The term is too loaded with misconceptions. But I felt you should be aware of her claim.

The truth is, Curry, human or not, is not of Equestria. Rarity assures me that her clothes are made with fabrics and weaves that are indicative of an advanced culture, although somewhat lacking in fashion. No culture this advanced could have remained hidden from us if they existed in Equestria. Furthermore, while some of the materials in her garments could have been produced locally, there are some that Rarity has never seen before. She has no idea where they may have come from. Indeed, and I am only stating a hypothesis here, they do not seem to be organic in nature. Possibly they were created by some magical process, although it would have to be highly efficient due to the nearly-absent level of magical residue in the clothing.

To keep this as short as possible.(6) Curry claims that she and Jake, the Alicorn stallion, fled their home after Curry was orphaned and they had been threatened with separation. I believe that Jake manifested his Alicorn magic during this escape and it drew him and Curry to Equestria. This would correctly correspond with the timing of the magic flare that Princess Luna and I detected.

In all humility, Princess, I do not know what to do with them. I can’t help but think the original plan of smuggling a newborn Alicorn foal and its parents into the royal palace is now impossible. Jake would be very difficult to smuggle anywhere. He tends to stand out and has the complete lack of discretion of a young colt. The addition of Curry to the equation further complicates matters. I would greatly appreciate any advice you might have.

Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.

‟My, that must have been difficult for Twilight. She all too often perceives a request for help as a sign of failure. Her friends have been a good influence on her,” Celestia commented.

‟She was not incorrect, however. This a most difficult conundrum, sister. What shall we do.”

Celestia tapped her chin with a polished hoof, thinking. Her inward facing gaze met that of Luna across the table, not registering her sister for a moment. Then her eyes brightened and she gave her sister a smile that sent a decided shiver down Luna’s spine.

‟Twilight has already given us the answer.”

‟She has?”

‟Indeed. There is no such thing as a Human. The mare Curry is, in fact, a Moon Mare,” Celestia said with great satisfaction.

‟Sister. No. Thou can not.”

‟Will the real Moon Mares object?”

‟What? Of course not. There is no such thing.”

‟Well, there you have it then. Perfect.”

‟Putting aside all that is wrong with that statement. The mare, Curry, does not look in the least like a Pony.”

‟Pissh. She’s from the moon. Of course, she’ll look strange. Why. Within a few days, I expect we’ll see the National Equestrian announcing that all the sightings of Humans have really been Moon Mares visiting. I expect that before you know it they’ll be writing all sorts of stories about how Moon Mares have influenced history down through the ages."

Luna was getting a bit frantic. She was the ruler of the night, which included the moon and stars. She just knew that Celestia was going to saddle her with all the chaos this was going to cause.

‟And why has this Moon Mare come at this time? And how do we explain that she is not flying back to the moon once her visit is over?”

‟Again. Twilight has given us the answer. When Jake... hm, we really must find a more suitable name for him. Anyway, when he flared and transformed from a poor little-orphaned colt into a powerful Alicorn Stallion, as is perfectly normal for the male of our species, of course. He opened a road to the moon, and the poor little Moon Mare, who had been pining for her lost friend, Nightmare Moon, came galloping down the path in the hope of being reunited."

‟Sister. Thou are tired. Thou needs to lie down. Take a rest. We shall call the royal medical staff.”

Celestia ignored her sister. ‟Such a tender story. This poor little moon filly. Innocent as only a child can be, stumbled across the prison of the dreaded Nightmare Moon. But she was not struck down. Nightmare Moon, alone in her solitude could not harm this innocent who had brought the first bit of companionship into her thousand-year exile.”

‟Thou knows, Sister, that I was in deep slumber infused into the very substance of the moon itself.”

‟Pish. Don’t spoil a good story, Sister. This filly would come again and again to converse with the imprisoned Nightmare Moon. Sharing her childish treasures. String and sealing wax and other important stuff. She softened Nightmare’s black heart, allowing a glimmer of goodness to slip in. And when at last Nightmare Moon was released, there was a flaw in her perfect darkness. A little ember of goodness planted there by the pure and innocent Moon filly. While the dreaded Nightmare Moon did indeed strive against the Elements of Harmony, she could not bring herself to strike with all the force she could.”

‟Sister,” Luna repeated, this time weakly.

Celestia assumed a posture a little less maniac and smiled at her sister. ‟Do you not think I did not know, sister. That you lacked the will to truly fight against my champions?”

Luna sighed. Partly in exasperation, partly in relief. ‟Thank goodness thou was only teasing, sister.”

‟Oh, I was perfectly serious, little sister,” Celestia said. ‟I can hardly wait to see you reunited with the little filly you met on the moon.”

‟Sister!”

Celestia stifled a giggle with one well-groomed hoof. ‟You are far too easy, sister,” she chided Luna. She leaned across and gave her sister an affectionate nuzzle while enjoying her sister’s look of chagrin for a moment before adopting a more serious expression. She picked up the picture Twilight had sent them and shook her head. ‟You are too divorced from the reality of the court these days, Luna. You have not taken into account the most serious aspect of this strange circumstance. The presence of a mythic human, while intriguing, is, as the earth ponies might say, small potatoes."

Luna floated the picture out of Celestia’s grip and over in front of her eyes. She looked it over, trying to see what she had missed. ‟I don’t understand, Tia.”

‟Think how your Nocturne survived, sister.”

For a moment Luna still did not see, and then her eyes widened, and if it had been possible she might have blanched.

When Celestia had used the Elements of Harmony against Luna’s former incarnation during the War of the Sisters, Nightmare Moon had fought back, drawing on energy stolen from Luna’s earlier creations, the Nocturne ponies. The earth and unicorn nocturne ponies had been exterminated completely. Only fifty-one Nocturne pegasi colts and fillies had survived, and only because they were placed on a cloud and shoved out of range by a brave nocturne pegasus who gave his life in the effort to save his baby brother, and the other colts and fillies.

Celestia had taken those fifty-one foals under her wing after judging the innocent young free of guilt in regards to their parents' revolt and complicity with Nightmare Moon. Celestia, instead of hating them as a reminder of her sister’s fall into darkness, had treasured them as the last remnant of her sister. They were an example of her sister’s ability to create. They had nothing to do with the creature of destruction that had consumed the younger Luna. Celestia had vowed to keep them safe so they, or their descendants, would be present when Luna returned to her sister and Equestria.

Even that protection should not have been enough to preserve a race with so few members. Despite the odds against their survival they had flourished, however. Partial credit for this was due to the attraction felt by many bored aristocratic ‘day’ mares who found the nocturne stallions exotic and exciting. (7) Over the centuries, many foals of such relationships had been born 'on the wrong side of the blankets', and subsequently quietly and lovingly adopted into one or another of the Nocturne Families. That, in turn, had lead to the current situation where the fifty-one original families, descended from the survivors of that battle, had expanded into well over two hundred families spread all over Equestria.

Luna looked again at the picture in front of her. She had thought the young stallion yummy with honey on top when she had first seen him. The information about his true age had removed him from that category, for her. It was highly unlikely others would be so discriminating, and given this precious opportunity, a large number of unscrupulous noble families would go to any lengths to marry an Alicorn stallion into their House by trickery. Many of those would in all likely hood not even concern themselves with an official marriage. Merely bringing his blood into their family would be an attractive prospect.

‟We would needs have to lock him in a tower with dragons guarding his virtue twenty-four hours a day.” She whispered faintly. ‟Nay, a tower would of little use be against Pegasus. A cave, perhaps, with a most heavy and thick door, and strong locks. Such a cold prison for an unsuspecting and innocent colt.”

‟And even that would likely not be enough,” Celestia nodded. ‟Relations between a day-mare and a nocturne stallion are frowned on by society and parents in general. And yet you know how often such happens. In regards to young Jake, there would be active complicity on the parts of many of the great families to enable their wayward daughters a chance to produce a genuine royal foal, by any devious means available.”

Celestia sighed heavily, ‟If Twilight is correct, and she is more often than not these days--” She blushed slightly, remembering her mistake during Cadence’s almost disastrous, wedding," --then despite appearances he is a very young colt. To inflict that sort of life on him--” she shook her head and gave a small shudder. ‟--to be sequestered away from others, or to be abused at such a young age. We cannot allow that kind of risk to be borne by one of our kind. What sort of stallion would he grow up to be?”

‟We could leave him in Ponyville, far from court,” Luna offered tentatively.

‟Only the fact that the Element of Harmony are all mares have kept the cream of society from descending on Ponyville to savor the rustic pleasures of the countryside,” Celestia said sarcastically. ‟As they are all mares, however, and as none of the noble families are inclined to send their sons off to become farmers or dress designers, the issue has never really been raised."(8)

‟Well, that, and the widespread use of birth control spells,” Luna suggested. That was one development she had gladly embraced, eventually, about the new modern world. Though to the best of her sister’s knowledge she had yet to take advantage of that freedom.

Celestia chuckled softly, remembering the adorable initial embarrassment on Luna’s part when Celestia had made sure she was fully up to date on modern medical magic. Her first dental appointment had been quite amusing, but the gynecological appointment afterward had nearly been disastrous. Luna and Twilight had displayed almost identical reactions, in fact as she recalled, remembering her facts of life discussions with her prized student. Those two really did have a great deal in common.

‟Unfortunately there are no such measures for stallions. At least not ones that I will allow under any circumstances.” Celestia grimaced. Gelding excess sons was a custom she was glad had been relegated to the dustbin of history, though there were a few aristocrats and one Prince, in particular, she could not help but think would benefit Equestria on a whole if the procedure were still used.

Celestia felt frustrated. This was not some Equestria threatening crisis, not in the short term anyway. No matter what the various families might think, breeding true for an Alicorn was far more than simple biology. The chances that their genealogical machinations would pay off and bring an Alicorn into their family by birth was almost nonexistent. At least that was one positive note to this whole mess. If Jake had possessed the ability to pass on his attributes simply by breeding with a willing mare. . . Celestia shuddered to think of the choices she might have to make.

That elimination of that dire situation could almost make her happy that all that was truly at risk here was the happiness of one colt and his chance of a nurturing upbringing. If she were not the ethical pony she was, that is. As she was that sort of pony, she felt genuine regret and frustration that she could think of no way to give Jake the childhood he should have. If only his body matched his mind, he would be safe from predatory mares, at least for a while. Maybe a long while. Alicorn’s did not grow and age like normal ponies. If Jake had been a colt in truth, he might have retained that apparent age and mindset for dozens, if not hundreds of years, until he decided he was tired of being a child and wanted to grow up, something she was not sure Luna had ever really done at times.

‟Sister?” Luna said to get Celestia’s attention. She was sitting with a thoughtful look on her face as she tapped her teeth with one well-manicured hoof. At least she wasn’t gnawing on it, Celestia thought, it had taken ages to break her of that habit back when she had been a child of a mere few centuries.

Seeing she had her sister’s attention, Luna spoke in a considered tone, feeling out her idea even as she explained it to Celestia. ‟I recalled some information that appeared in one of Twilight’s latest scrolls, the one dealing with the mountebank who acquired the Alicorn Amulet.”

‟No! Absolutely not! Under no circumstances!” Celestia said, steel in her eye and voice. ‟Not even we can safely use one of Discord’s artifacts. I thank all the powers that he grew bored with the process after having only made three of the cursed things. It is bad enough that the Unicorn amulet has surfaced. I can only hope the earth pony and pegasus amulets remain lost forever.”

‟You misunderstand, Tia,” Luna said, shaking her head. "Twas not the loathsome amulet upon my mind. I thought some of the spells this 'Trixy' used might be of use in this situation. She may have needed Discord's foul little trinket to cast them, but between the two of us, we certainly have the power."

It was Celestia’s turn to shake her head. ‟I see where you are going with this, little sister. You are thinking of reverting Jake to a colt. You forget the downside of that spell. Not just the body regresses to an earlier age, but the mind . . .” Celestia trailed off, her eyes widening. ‟You are thinking that Jake’s mind is already that of a colt. Turning him into a one would merely match the body with the mind.”

‟Exactly, Tia.”

‟But, what if his mind was regressed an equivalent amount. You would have to reduce his age by twelve years to match his apparent age. He has not been alive so long. He might end up mindless.”

‟The spell most certainly would need to be studied. I think it is well worth the effort. What other choices do we have, Tia?”

‟There is that. I think maybe we can buy you some time to research the possibility. If Jake, and his friend, Curry, stay in Ponyville, it will take a little while for news of their presence to reach Canterlot. Most especially if they do their best to fly under the clouds for as long as possible.”

‟I will begin researching the problem at once. I seem to remember that Starswirl the Bearded did a treatise on the subject. I will start in his section of the library,” Luna declared.

Celestia looked at the clock on the wall and grimaced. ‟Sorry to lay all this on you, little sister, but morning court is about to start. The last thing we wish to do is interrupt the normal routine and raise speculation as to why." She gathered up a few folders and headed for the door. ‟As soon as I get a moment I’ll send a letter off to Twilight suggesting that she and her friends look after our problem children, possibly at Sweet Apple Acres. We will reimburse Applejack and her family, of course. Jake’s royal stipend should cover the cost easily.”

Luna was barely listening, she was deep in thought, planning her assault on the problem. Transformation magic had always been her specialty and she already had a few ideas to investigate. She gave her sister a hoof wave as she exited the room, her eyes running over the bookshelves in the room. There were some ancient grimoire present, hidden in plain sight, as it were. She could start here. After all, there were still a few interesting looking chocolates left in the box on her sister’s desk. She could call for some tea, and maybe some cake as well.

Just before the door closed, Celestia stuck her head back in and said, ‟Very clever trick with the bathroom, little sis.” As the door closed, the cloud cake that appeared out of thin air over Luna’s head dropped.

Celestia smiled evilly as she heard Luna’s shriek echo down the halls. ‟Tamper with the Royal bathroom will she?” she cackled. ‟Watch your plot, dear sister of mine. Because it belongs to me.”

*********************************************

Private Sweets of the night guard was currently doing a turn of duty on the day shift as a fill in for a guard who had just become a father. There were few on the night shift who could have replaced the new parent, as Sweets’ Nocturne friends could not work in the day without the need of special sunglasses, and in some cases sunblock. As a result, when the Officer on Duty had asked if he would mind working a swing shift, in that special way officers have of ‘asking’, he had agreed, especially when he found out that the duty would involve guarding Princess Celestia’s office. There was a strong chance that he would actually get to see Princess Celestia up close. That was more than worth a few missed hours of sleep. She always had a smile for the guards on duty, like the sun breaking through the clouds after a dreary shower.

Sweets was a large Pegasus pony, which was one of the things that had gotten him recruited into the guard in the first place. He had a pink lollipop cutie mark that looked incongruous on his large flank. He was not muscle heavy like his recently acquired friend Pumpernickel, who was a wall. His build was lighter, his legs longer, but he was a hand taller than the next largest pony in the guard, which was why he’d been drafted a month before to go to Ponyville to get measured for the new royal uniforms. He shuddered at the memory of Pumpernickel’s sisters, not to mention Princess’s Luna’s hoofmaiden, and that white unicorn fashion designer, the way they had measured every inch of his body, with no respect for personal boundaries at all. And the things they had said. His ears still flattened on occasion in a futile effort to silence those voices in his memory.

It had been Pumpernickel’s efforts to console him afterward which had struck up the friendship between them.

Sweets had recognized in Pumpernickel another powerful pony who did not see his size and strength as a license to run roughshod over others. He himself was the mildest of ponies unless somepony pushed him too far. He had been near the top of his class in all of the physical training and had been division champion in unarmed combat for his training year. The combined experience had given him the self-confidence to smile and walk away from somepony trying to start a fight, usually by making disparaging remarks about his cutie mark. It had been years since he had gotten into a fight for his own sake. That did not mean he was a floor mat; abuse a mare or foal in front of him, and you were asking for trouble.

A country boy, he had not joined the Guard with dreams of glory. He had simply wanted to get out of a life track that would have seen him spending his life as a long-haul carrier like his father, uncles, and brothers. Spending half his life looking at the sweaty flanks of some other stallion was not a life he aspired to. He had enjoyed his training and his continued life in the guard. They pushed his limits, made him do things he never dreamed he could have done. He had friends, and the mares really did love a stallion in uniform, though up till now he had not had much or a chance to take advantage of that.

As a fairly young guard, Sweets did not have a great deal of free time. But, he was going places. His current duty was proof of that. You didn’t get selected to guard Princess’s Celestia’s office if you were a screwup. His phlegmatic nature might have frustrated the hell out of some of his drill sergeants, but clearly, his superior officers felt it an advantage. Though he had been given a severe talking-to in regards of ‘do not” the primary one of which was 'Thou Shalt Not Check Out The Royal Plot', and that was the one that was currently giving him the most trouble.

Sweets was currently concentrating very hard on keeping his eyes front and center as the Diarch of the Sun skipped down the hallway like a giddy little filly. The job would have been a lot easier if she hadn’t just left the room talking about her little sister’s plot, and owning it. Sweets had nothing but admiration for Princess Luna, and the way she had stallioned up and faced the hoards of doubters when she returned from her exile. But, really, there was no comparison at all when it came to plots. Celestia won hooves down and horns up. Which was why he was currently fighting the urge to shift his head just slightly to the side in order to watch his princess’s retreating form for just a few moments longer.

That was why he felt a quite unusual feeling of gratitude to the stout greying Unicorn who was puffing down the hallway from the opposite direction. He was not running, a Stallion of his dignity would never run. But he was pacing very rapidly in counterpoint to a certain amount of bouncing bulk around his middle.

‟A moment of your time, Princess!” Counselpony Storm Warning called out in what he likely considered a bombastic tone, but which contained more than a hint of a wheeze.

‟Sorry, no time to be condescended to, today, Counselor,” Celestia called back over her shoulder before disappearing around the corner.

She even sounds like a school filly, Sweets thought, while inwardly chuckling. His last duty had involved guarding the council chambers during late night sessions, and it was there that he had become more familiar with the honorable Councilcolt than he cared for.

‟Mares!” Storm Warning, snarled, making the word an epithet.

Sweets was not surprised to hear Old Blustery use that tone. As a high ranking member of the Organization for Stallion Liberation his attitude toward mares in general, and Celestia, in particular, were well known. In a past age, he would have gotten himself gelded by his own family before he ever reached a position of authority in Government.

Sweets, as the third son of a fairly well-connected pegasus family, usually felt nothing but gratitude for the fact the practice had died out so long ago. But in the case of Old Blustery, he had to wonder if maybe the practice hadn’t had some redeeming features. As a well trained Royal Guard, he let none of that show on his face.

He also let nothing show in his expression when the door he was guarding shot open and Princess Luna stuck her head out into the hallway, looking up and down it for a moment before turning her attention on Sweets, who attempted to stand even more at attention than he already was, and nearly sprained something as a result.

‟Guard. Please send for our Hoofmaiden at once,” she ordered and started to withdraw back into the room.

‟Ah, begging your pardon, Princess,” Sweets exclaimed before he could control himself.

‟Yes?” Luna asked, directing a frosty gaze toward the stiff guard.

Oh, lord, How in Celestia does Lumpy do it, Sweets thought. He coughed, covering his mouth with a hoof in an effort to gain a few moments to gather his courage, and in the faint hope that Luna would go away. Neither event happened and he was forced to explain himself in a voice that sounded several octaves higher than his normally base tone.

‟Your hoofmaiden and Lum-- Optio Pumpernickel will have retired some time ago, Princess,” Sweets saying, wishing he could bend his knees so his eyes would drop to the point where he was not looking down at the princess. Celestia was the only pony he had ever seen, for all of thirty seconds, who he had to look up to.

‟We are aware,” Luna said, her voice cooling toward zero kelvin at a rapid rate. ‟We hardly think our Hoofmaiden or the Optio are so frail that the lack of a few hours of sleep will cause them any great discomfort.”

Where is a heart attack when you need one, Sweets thought, his face rapidly turning red through his bleached white coloration? ‟It’s just that technically, they’re still, ah, newlyweds,” he got out in a strangled voice.

Oh, sweet heavens. Just let me die now before I have to explain what newlyweds are like to Princess Luna.

‟So?” Luna asked, and the guard stallion was sure he could see frost condensing out of the air in front of her eyes. Before he was forced to elaborate, however, Luna’s eyes widened from their narrowed icy glare, and a faint, slightly cute, blush colored her muzzle. ‟Ohhh,” she exclaimed in a voice that on anyone else Sweets would have described as flustered.

Luna appeared to be trying to regain the proper countenance, her blush retreated and she drew herself up slightly. Her eyes shifted slightly to the left and fell on Councilor Storm Warning, who had been watching the entire sequence with an expression of smug superiority. ‟You there! Pony. Your princess has need of thy services.”

‟Me?” the chubby counselor blinked in surprise, before collecting himself. ‟Of course, Princess. How may I be of service?”

‟We request and require you to run across to the establishment known as Pony Joe’s Doughnuts, and pick up a large container of my Sister’s special blend.” Luna retreated into the room leaving Old Blustery starting to puff up like an angry bullfrog. He deflated like a pricked balloon when Luna stuck her head back out the door and added to her order. ‟And a dozen of those apple spice pastries. They were most tasty.”

Sweets wasn’t sure if it was possible for a pony to actually explode from indignation, but if it were, it looked like it might happen to Old Blustery. Sweets fought against the urge to place himself between Princess Luna and the outraged Councilpony. After all, while he might not actually explode, from the look in his eyes, he might try something incredibly dangerous, to himself. In the end, however, the old windbag deflated and sullenly said, ‟As my Princess commands,” before turning around and marching down the hallway, his every trot radiating his feelings over being told to go fetch coffee.

Sweets managed to keep his mouth shut till Storm Warning turned at the end of the hallway and vanished from sight. This took some time. The old pony did not move any too quickly. ‟I don’t think he’s going to be able to get your coffee, Princess Luna.”

Luna has been leaning against the doorway, her eyes closed, snoring in a very ladylike tone. Rather cute actually, though the snot bubble not so much. She snapped awake at the guard’s words. "Huh? What was it thou said? Why would the coffee blend my sister prefers be forbidden to me?" Her indignation would have been a lot more impressive if Sweets was not looking at the thin strand of drool that had managed to escape the Royal Mouth during her brief snooze and had almost touched the ground.

‟No, no, I did not mean it that way, princess,” Sweets hastily said, while once again cursing his demon mouth. What the Tartarus had come over him? Normally only Lumpy was this big an idiot. Unfortunately, he knew that he was not going to be able to stop now. He’d already jumped off the cliff, it was fly or splat time. ‟All I meant was that your sister’s coffee is strong enough to eat through the container long before it could reach here. That’s why she always drinks it in the shop.”

‟Ah, we see,” Luna said with a yawn that suddenly turned into a sniff.

"There is coffee around here somewhere, of a most delightful aroma." She leaned closer to Sweets, who fought the urge to lean away from the Royal Nose as it began to sniff up and down his armor rather too close for comfort until she stopped at his armor's flank pocket. "What manner of coffee dost thou have that fits into a pocket yet still smells so good?" A shiver ran down his back leg as Luna stuck her nose into the armor pocket and breathed in.

"My--" he squeaked and took a quick breath to grab hold of his wits. "Maybe," he continued in a calmer tone, "you would like to try some?" Inside his little voice had given up trying to talk sense to him and was busy putting on a set of bomb disposal armor.

‟These might help, Princess,” he said, while nervously extracting a crumpled paper bag from inside his armor. "My cousin works as a hauler for BKC, and he says they’re marvelous pick-me-ups.”

Luna perked up a bit at hearing BKC. She’d thoroughly grazed Tia's selection of fine chocolates down to the well-licked container and would not mind in the least a few more tidbits. But she didn’t see how they would help with her current situation. ‟We are not sure a sweet will do us much good,” she said, stifling a yawn yet again.

‟Well, these are a bit special. My cousin says a batch of them were sent in from somewhere out in the sticks by a journeymare as a masterpiece application. The panel gave them a thumbs down, but he swears they’d bring the dead back to life.” Sweets threw in the kicker. ‟He visits Pony Joe’s on a regular basis, and he swears they’re just as good for getting him through a long haul as the best take-out Joe has. Of course, he’s never tried your sister’s blend. Joe won’t sell that to anyone else for liability reasons.”

‟I see,” Luna said thoughtfully, floating the small rumpled bag out of Sweets’ hoof. ‟We will try them. Thank you.” She retreated back into Celestia’s office and closed the door.

Sweets nearly collapsed in relief. ‟You are insane,” his temporary partner hissed from his side of the entrance.

‟You don’t have to tell me,” the normally stalwart pegasus said with feeling. He held up a hoof and watched with wide eyes as it visibly vibrated. ‟I don’t know what the heck came over me. Lumpy is the insane one. I’m usually smarter than that. . .” Sweets trailed off as an awful, terrible, thought occurred to him. Those candies? Could they have been what was responsible for his current suicidal behavior?

From inside the room came a loud. ‟Whoohoooooo! That’s the stuff!”

His partner smirked and put on a tone of mock sympathy. ‟I’ll send flowers. Do you have any last words you want passed on?”




*********************************************



(1)Never let them see you sweat, could easily have been Celestia’s personal motto.

(2) Celestia demonstrated daily the restraint and emotional control that had made her a great ruler by restricting herself to only one, okay, maybe two, never more than three, of the decadent sinful, orgasmically good, ok, sometimes four or five, chocolates that were custom crafted for her by a family of expert craftponies who had been in the business for nearly five hundred years.

(3)Celestia didn’t actually need reading glasses, but everyone knows that reading glasses are cool, or so a very old acquaintance had assured her.

(4)Luna was endeavoring to familiarize herself with modern speech conventions and slang. For the present, she did her best to keep her experimentation internal.

(5)Really, they were the most wonderful props.

(6)Spike barely resisted adding 'too late', here.

(7)There is a thriving genre of romance novels devoted to lurid tales of the Ponies of the Night. The nocturne Royal Guards consider them hilarious and often read them aloud in their quarters while off duty. Well out of earshot of any easily offended royalty, of course.

(8) Bloodlines run through the maternal line in Equestria. While there could be some question as to a foal’s father, even in a land of magic there could be little doubt as to who the mother is.