Judge Luna
Case #7 -- Dancers
Princess Luna sat at a massive mahogany desk, wrapped in a thick blanket. On her head was a hot water bottle, in her mouth was a thermometer, and on her left hoof was a nurse taking her pulse. She shivered a bit, as though cold, despite all of her coverings. Her disheveled mane made her look truly pathetic, and a wild sneeze startled papers across her desk. “Bluhhh…” she managed, reaching and blowing her nose.
“Well your pulse seems okay, Princess.” The nurse said, setting the royal hoof down gently. “I don’t know what to tell you. You seem to have a common cold but… just… alicorn sized,” she offered, feeling lame as she said it.
“That would not explain my tattered mane and physique, hoofservant,” Luna honked bitterly, scrubbing at her eyes a little. A few flecks of crusty muck fell from her lashes. “I feel worse and worse each day.”
“Well you’re not pregnant--!”
“Of course I’m not!” Luna snapped, red-faced.
“I was joking, your highness!” the nurse said, smiling embarrassedly. “But we do have a lot to take into consideration. If we eliminate whatever impossibility, whatever’s left must be true, right?” she turned and picked up a tongue stick. Luna opened her mouth obediently, reading an important document as her private nurse checked her mouth and nostrils. “No discoloration, no labored breathing… you have normal cold symptoms, weakness…. How’s your appetite?” she asked, leaning into Luna’s view.
“Less than normal, but not absent,” Luna said, still studying her papers.
Growing just a little bit frustrated, the nurse pushed the paper down to the desk. “Your Majesty,” she said with measured patience, “You’ve halved in size and weight in less than a few months, and your mane no longer has stars in it. Could we pay a bit more attention to our medical needs so we don’t drop dead in the middle of the midnight court?”
Luna snorted a little, but obeyed. She had many responsibilities, but if she did drop dead that probably wouldn’t help. “Very well,” she finally sighed. “We shalt submit to a full physical. Will that make thee happy?” she smirked a little, teasing her.
“Yes,” said the nurse.
“We’ve known her symptoms for weeks, Nurse Tenderheart,” said Steel Wing from where he stood in the corner of the office. “What more can we learn from a standard physical?” the Lunar Stallion cocked his head at her, a tense frown on his face.
“Well we’ve already learned it’s not cutie-pox, hot flashes or a flesh-eating virus,” said the nurse ever-so-sweetly to him. “Why don’t you stick to hurting ponies and I’ll stick to healing them, soldier?” Luna’s brow rose and she fought down a cackle of laughter. Steel Wing looked thoroughly cowed, and closed his mouth. The balls on this mare!
“Heheh, don’t be too hard on Steel Wing,” Luna finally came to his rescue. “He is my most loyal guard, and is fretful as a mother hen in my time of illness.” She heaved herself onto her hooves. “But very well then. I will go to the medicine wing.” She nodded to Nurse Tenderheart, who looked delighted at the admonition. “Perhaps thorough scrutiny will reveal what is ailing me, now that it has become s-- *COUGH COUGH COUGHHH!?*…. So bad,” she rasped the last bit out. Nodding to herself, she pulled her comforter around her shivering body. Nurse Tenderheart took the thermometer and hot water bottle, putting them away in her medical bag. “Remain, Steel Wing, I shan’t be assassinated walking across the palace I live in.”
Steel Wing nodded obediently, saluting. The Princess and the nurse took their leave. When the room had quieted, the Lunar Stallion sighed aloud, staring at the spot of silver on the ground. It hadn't been there until Luna had coughed so badly. Was that... blood? Silver blood? This was getting intense. Looking around like he might be caught doing something bad, he checked that the door was closed. Slipping across the room, he leaned over the piles of papers on Luna’s desk. What was she doing that she refused herself rest? Surely it didn’t have to do with the Judge Luna show? She’d taken this past week off to rest and recover. The TV station had shown reruns, promising her return very soon. The dark alicorn felt very responsible, and didn’t like to see her work pile up.
The Lunar Stallion took off his helm, rubbing the knot that he’d gotten from tackling Celestia a while ago. Sweeping his bangs out of his eyes, he clambered up into Luna’s desk chair. Ooh, comfy! Chuckling a little, he looked around the room to see it from the royal perspective. Very nice. Coughing and remembering his place, he hunched over the papers all over the desk. It was covered with scribblings and scrawlings, but whatever she’d been doing, she’d organized into a grocery list:
-60659 (Quick Buck, hah! What a name!) Time? 6:06:59? I would be going to bed!
-086753 (Triage and Splint, I must remember to recruit Splint.) Location. Latitude, Longitude. Yes!
-1017754 (Heirloom Cart, what honest stallions--) 10-1-7-7-5-4 JAGGED. Jagged what?
-11019 (Wedding Cake, prissy baker, I shall strike him from the Gala listings!) 1-1-0-1-9 ????
-451208 (Neck, must remember to commission Time Turner sometime) 4-5-1-20-8 DEATH!!!
-00495 (Ball-Filly) 0-0-4-9-5 nil-nil-DIE!!!
6:06:59/Location/Jagged/Death/Die
11019 = ???
Steel Wing blanched, then his brow wrinkled upward. He could not let the other Lunar Stallions see this. Not anypony. It would cause panic. Carefully, he took the page from among all the rest, and stuffed it in the cup of his helm before putting it back on her head. Princess Luna was starting to see patterns, to become paranoid and delusional. Her sickness had reached her mind. He’d been handing her case files since the beginning of the Judge Luna show, and he would tell her any day that there were no such hidden messages in them. Why, according to all this somepony wished her a jagged death!
Poor Princess Luna was a mathematical genius, so it was no small wonder that she’d gone looking for things in the numbers around her. She’d designed the night sky with numbers, now she was divining messages out of case files? Pfft! Steel Wing knew that real court case file numbers were determined not only by their nature, but by their date, number of participants, and many other factors. They didn’t spell out death threats to her Majesty. Besides, there had been dozens of episodes of Judge Luna, why had she pulled this particular half a dozen?
The Lunar Stallion would not be telling his fellow soldiers, nor Celestia, nor anypony else, that Princess Luna’s mind was growing ill. Not just her body. Sticking his head out of the private office, he looked both ways. The coast was clear. He’d need to find some hidden place to burn all these mad writings. He had no doubt that Luna’s thorough medical exam would spot mental fatigue, but he’d be damned if all this was brought to light. Tucking his wings using one hoof and then the other, he galloped down the empty corridor with purpose.
=-=-=-=
Dun dun dun duhhhhhn!
Real cases.
Real ponies.
This—is Judge Luna.
Princess Luna seated herself on the throne, wearily taking the folder from a worried-looking Steel Wing. The stallion cocked his head, looking over his shoulder while she scanned through its contents. He found Nurse Tenderheart in the crowd. She nodded once, at the ready in case her Majesty collapsed in the middle of the Midnight Court. Coughing a bit, the dark alicorn directed her bodyguard to his usual standing spot.
“These are the parties in the matter of Trixie versus Heartstrings, parties have been sworn in you may proceed when ready your Majesty,” Steel Wing bowed and hurried away so he would be out of the sight of the cameras. He didn’t wanna be in front of them anymore than he had to.
When all was quiet and the audience ponies silent, Luna finally looked up from the papers in front of herself. “Names and vocations, please,” she bade the two mares in front of her.
“The great and powerful Trixie!” A mare with a pointed hat and a billowing cape announced in a stage-voice. She reared up, flailing her hooves as sparkles of magic fell out of her cape, popping on the floor all around her. “Stage magician, entertainer, and the most talented pony in all of Equestria!” she beamed, taking off her hat. She fished into it for a moment, pulled out a bouquet of flowers, and tossed them to Luna.
Steel Wing’s hair trigger pulled and he tackled the flowers to the floor, crashed into Trixie and bent one of her arms around her back. “You never, EVER throw anything at a Princess!”
“Steel Wing!” Luna stamped a hoof. “Twas merely flowers, be calm.”
The Lunar Stallion craned his neck, looking guiltily at Luna. “I-It could’ve just as easily been a throwing star, your highness!” he said, the bouquet smooshed under his great barrel chest along with the mare.
“Unhoof Trixie this instant, lest Trixie banish you to the nether where she keeps all her magic show props! There’s no air there, you know!” Trixie threatened. “AUUGH?!” Steel Wing shifted his weight harder at the threat.
“Threatening a soldier of the crown, that’s two weeks in prison if her majesty wills it!” Steel Wing snarled. Trixie howled and squirmed, belting swear words that justified the show’s late air time.
The armored stallion was suddenly lifted bodily by magic from Trixie and placed none-too-gently back at his post. “We do not will such imprisonment, my guardian. But we appreciate thy enthusiasm.” Luna said, looking at him warily. She coughed a bit more loudly as the magic around her horn sputtered out. “Flowers need not thy diving, but I shalt certainly breathe easier should a pony with a crossbow ever enter our presence.” There was a ripple of nervous laughter in the throne room. When one of Steel Wing’s wings hung loosely, he fixed it quickly with a hoof.
“Maybe the great and powerful Trixie should sue you instead!” Trixie barked, holding her bruised shoulder. “I have hundreds of witnesses for your assault.”
“Neigh,” Luna snapped at her when she was sure her bodyguard was back at his post. “He is technically in the right, O great and powerful Trixie,” she said a little acidly. “Tossing any item at a judge is considered a hostile action and can be punished by prison time.”
“Wh… really? They were just flowers!” Trixie flushed red.
“A pony once pelted my sister with a banana in the middle of his own case, to prove a point,” Luna confirmed. “Needless to say, this was precisely the wrong item to hit her with, and he spent a month in jail with nothing to eat except bananas,” she watched the stage magician go a little pale. “Now, if we may continue?” she waited for Trixie to nod humbly before turning to the plaintiff of the case.
“My name is Lyra Heartstrings. I’m a musician.” She bore her flank to show what she meant. Then she shut her mouth. Luna waited for more, but there was no more. The sick alicorn decided she liked her right then. Short and to the point. She wished she had more ponies like that in the courtroom.
“Very well then, Trixie and Lyra Heartstrings,” Luna paused to check her paperwork. “I understand that you hired Trixie for a bachelorette party, Miss Heartstrings? As entertainment?”
There was male murmuring in the audience as all eyes went right to Trixie’s flank. “Not THAT kind of entertainment!” the blue mare barked angrily over her shoulder. There was laughter and she blushed.
“We will have you thrown out for such disorder!” Luna said angrily.
“Sorry!” Trixie wilted.
“Not thou, them!” Luna gestured widely at the audience. “Not another peep, or I shall empty this courtroom until the case’s end.” There was hush over the throne room then, though many stallions were sharing smirks and gesturing a little. Sighing angrily, Luna closed her eyes and counted for a time. “As I said, thou were hired for entertainment.”
“Yes. The great and powerful Trixie was paid rather well for her magic show, props, food, and anything she asked for,” the powder blue mare said, cocking her head and taking her hat off. This made her look smaller and more humble, which was probably a good idea by that point.
“Why dost thou speak in the third person?” Luna cocked her head.
“Why dost thou speak in the majestic plural?” Trixie blurted before she could stop herself.
“We ART majestic!” Luna said angrily, leaning forward. The Lunar Stallions that dotted the room fidgeted nervously. “My mother and father are divine beings, thusly we art the same! Now, we shalt ask the questions henceforth, or I shalt award Miss Heartstrings the bits she wants and hear none of your arguments!”
“Sorry!” Trixie whispered, her eyes and pointed hat the only thing that could be seen from behind her little podium. “Trixie is sorry!”
“Good,” Luna sighed, holding the bridge of her muzzle to fight an oncoming migraine. “Perhaps short yes and no answers would be best.” She thought for a time, then spoke again, “Miss Heartstrings hired you to perform at a bachelorette party, yes?”
“Yes,” Trixie said.
“And she paid you?”
“Yes.”
“And you came and performed?”
“Yes.”
“And the show was satisfactory to said party-goers?”
“Yes.”
“No!” blurted Lyra. “No it wasn’t!”
“Sh-sh-shh!” Luna shushed Lyra, still examining Trixie. “What did you do during the show?”
“Magic.” Trixie stuck to short answers, as not to anger her Majesty any further. “Magic, music, and other tricks. On a little stage.”
“Very well,” Luna said patiently, “Then why, Miss Heartstrings, are you suing Trixie?” the dark alicorn wanted to know.
“Well, it was a bachelorette part,” Lyra explained, “And I wanted to hire some… w-well…”
“Attractive entertainment?” Luna put in for her, smirking a little.
“Yes, that’s right.” Lyra nodded. “I was getting ready to get married in a month or so, so I invited all my friends that would appreciate… eh, stuff like that,” she chuckled nervously. “But, I forgot to make reservations with the company beforehand.”
“Before-what?” Luna said, looking up from the papers she was studying while Lyra spoke.
“Er! Before-hoof,” Lyra corrected quickly. “So, after Trixie’s magic show, I sent her out to find a few… entertainers, and gave her some money for it.”
“Mhm?” Luna said, nodding that she was following.
“She came back with stallions, dressed as mares!” Lyra said angrily.
“Thou did not want male dancers for thy before-wedding party?” Luna asked.
“No! I’m getting married to another mare! I wanted female dancers, and I told her so!” Lyra pointed accusingly at Trixie. Trixie’s cheeks puffed out as her nose wrinkled while she stared very carefully at the ceiling. Luna snorted.
“Alright,” the Princess said carefully. “So you sent Trixie out, after her show, to find some female dancers for your party and she came back with stallions instead—wasting your monies. And you want said monies back.”
“I want all my money back, that was friggin’ embarrassing! In front of all my friends, too!” Lyra said, red-faced. Ponies in the audience were trying not to laugh. “It’s like I sent her out to buy peaches and she came back with bananas!”
That did it. Every single pony in the room, Luna included, burst into wild and uncontrollable laughter. Even the mighty alicorn herself was not immune, for she’d thrown her head back in a fantastic belly-laugh. Steel Wing was wiping tears from his eyes, leaning on the column next to him. Members of the audience had fallen out of their seats, leaning on each other and holding their sides. Lyra stood there, red as a cherry.
“A… ahahah… A most effective metaphor!” Luna confessed, stamping her hoof to try and gain order again. “A good metaphor indeed! *ahem*!” she coughed a few times, feeling worlds better than she had earlier in the day. “S-so as you were saying, they were dressed as mares?”
“Yes,” Lyra nodded. “I gave her my monies, and instead of coming back with mares she came back with stallions dressed as mares!”
“That’s… hard to do,” Luna observed. She turned to look at Trixie. “What does thou have to say about this?”
“Trixie was bribed on the way to the door,” Trixie admitted at last, snickering. “One of Miss Heartstring’s friends thought it would be funny to bring stallions dressed as mares to dance for us. She gave Trixie extra-extra monies, and told me to make it so. So, I did,” the stage magician cackled. “It took Lyra hours to notice!”
“It did not!” Lyra squawked.
“Trixie saw you receiving a lap dance, and you didn’t even bother to look down!”
“S-s-shut up!” Lyra said, red-faced. “I paid you to get mares!”
Luna shook her head, unable to stop smiling. Clearly there was no malice to be had here, and Trixie had basically just confessed. “So how did things pan out, Miss Heartstrings?”
“W-well I was enjoying myself, dancing, having a good time with my friends and all the music and stuff,” Lyra said, cocking her head as she recalled the memory. “Then I started spotting… well… bananas.”
“Ah,” Luna said gently. “And the proof was on the dance floor, yes?”
“No, just shaking around me,” Lyra shuddered. “I went to find Trixie and yell at her, but she’d already made her exit.”
“It seems like thou were the victim of a relatively harmless prank, my little pony,” Luna chuckled. “Though I cannot imagine a stallion slender enough to fit into a dancer’s dress, I suppose there is a calling for every sort of entertainment!” she grinned, but quickly gathered herself. “But, with bits changing hooves I’m sure the great and powerful Trixie will give thy monies back,” she looked over at Trixie as she spoke. “How much money did Miss Heartstrings give you to bring female dancers to the party?”
“One hundred and eighty bits,” Trixie said after checking the papers in front of her.
“And how much money did the prankster give you to bring stallions instead?” Luna smirked.
“Three hundred bits, and fifty more when I got back,” Trixie said.
“Judgement for the plaintiff in the amount of one hundred and eighty bits.” Luna stamped her hoof. “That is all.”
“W-wait! She embarrassed me in front of all my friends!” Lyra said. “She won’t even tell me who paid her off. I want the money back from her show!”
“Did she perform her magic show at your party?” Luna stopped halfway between the door and the throne.
“Yes.”
“Then thou art not getting her monies. Tell thy future wife this story when you are safely married. It will be a good one.” Luna smiled, “Perhaps thou would do well to not have such… entertainers, at your gatherings from now on, huhm? Judgement stands.” With that she swept out of the room.
“Poop,” mumbled Lyra, standing on her hind legs and folding her arms. Trixie was chuckling wildly, and made sure to pass out business cards on the way to the door. Hidden in the audience, Bon Bon was all smiles, leaning comfortably back in her seat.
End of Case 7